"What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?"
"I... am an enchanter."
"By what name are you known?"
"There are some who call me... Tim."
"Greetings, Tim the Enchanter."
~ Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Welcome, reader of my appalling autobiography! By using your amazing powers of deduction, you can safely assume that I like Monty Python... which I do! I can pretty much recite the entire movie (as well as most of Life of Brian and several sketches from Flying Circus). For your own good, please don't get me started... but it doesn't matter since you can't hear me anyway.
Obviously, I am also an avid Harry Potter fan, and I presume that you are one likewise. You probably wouldn’t be looking at my profile page if you weren’t. Anyway, I’ve been reading the Harry Potter books since they came out, but I only started reading and writing fanfiction after Deathly Hallows came out. As for why it took me so long, I don’t know, but who really cares, so let’s move on to some of the things I like about the series.
My favourite HP book(s): For all of its faults, I quite like Deathly Hallows, though Deathly Plotholes would be a more appropriate title. Some things like the allegiance of the Elder Wand and Ron speaking Parseltongue were quite ridiculous and stupid, I think, but the tension and suspense in the book was what made Deathly Hallows a great read. The book succeeded in making me swear aloud and profusely at crucial parts, a reaction that none of the other books were able to provoke. However, for literary merit, I think Prisoner of Azkaban is the best of the series. It doesn’t have any gaping plot holes, has a sane and different plot from all the other books, and it introduces some great characters.
My favourite HP characters: I cannot pin down a single favourite, but I happen to like the Weasley twins, Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, and Luna Lovegood. The Weasley twins are great for the obvious reason that they never fail to amuse me, and their complete disregard for all rules and authority is something that I myself could never manage, and is part of what makes them interesting. Remus and Tonks I liked separately as individual characters when they were each introduced, and I was quite surprised by the end of HBP, since together, they are quite an interesting mix of opposites. And with Luna Lovegood… well, what can I say? She’s totally eccentric, and I wish she had a bigger role in the series.
My most hated HP character: Dobby; he’s almost as annoying as Jar Jar Binks. I couldn’t stand him from the beginning of Chamber of Secrets, and I was frankly overjoyed when Bellatrix stabbed him.
So, that’s just a short overview of my thoughts about the Harry Potter series. Here’s a complete breakdown of all the fics I’ve written for this fandom. Note that I also post stories on harrypotterfanfiction.com with the same name, and fanfiction.net under the name Pseudonym Sam.
Out of the Darkness: This is the first multi-chapter story that I actually managed to finish. It’s my first absurdist writing here, with the premise of the story coming from a very strange dream I had.
Banner by me
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2008, Best Humour
The Absurd Fanfic Revolution: This is a pretty weird story in which a bunch of fanfiction characters, tired of bad characterisation and a nonexistent plot, decide to revolt against their author – that’s me! Like most story ideas of mine, it came from another really strange dream.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Humour
As The Clock Strikes Twelve: This is my first and only venture into the Dark/Angst genre. The premise is not entirely original (being based off Ambrose Bierce's An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge), but I am reasonably happy with the result.
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Dark/Angst
The Butterfly Factor: This is a rather strange story about the effect that butterflies have on the outcome of Quidditch games. Yeah, it’s kind of random, but inspired by a real life incident.
Drachen: This was my entry for the Third Task of the 2009 Triwizard Tournament on the Mugglenet Fanfiction forums. I sort of wrote this thing the night before it was due, and I was quite surprised that it somehow tied for first place.
THIS IS HOGWARTS! – A Stupid Crossover Parody: I hate crossovers, so I have decided to make fun of them by writing a ridiculous one of my own! This fic is a crossover of Harry Potter, 300, and Ratatouille - basically the most random things I could think of. However, this story isn’t allowed on this site, (it is a crossover, after all) so if you want to read it, please check my account on fanfiction.net. I have also drawn a full-length comic strip illustrating the story, so you can check it out in my art thread on the forums if you have an account.
Works in Progress
Für Das Größere Wohl: Here’s my fic featuring the infamous little Nazi boy, Dieter Heydrich. I can’t really remember why I decided to write this Grindelwald-era story, but I’m glad I did. I admit that I’ve actually grown rather attached to my slightly disturbing protagonist, as he is quite fun to write.
Banner by Minnabird, MNFF forums
Nominated for Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best History/Mystery
WINNER of Quicksilver Quill Awards 2009, Best Male Original Character
“Obliviate!”: For my very first Harry Potter fanfic, it hasn’t received much love. I got four chapters into it before get distracted by another project, and before I knew it, I sort of forgot about it entirely.
Yelling Yourself Yellow With Yetis: This story was spawned from a very stupid bit of alliteration (see title), which ended up becoming this fic. Like my first fanfic, I sort of forgot about this one and it’s been sitting around without being updated for about a year, I think.
The Drawing Board
The Hidden Revolution: After writing a fanfic set in Nazi Germany, it was only a matter of time until I thought about a story set in the Soviet Union. This fic will be written for my original character creation class in the forums, and I’m still working out the details. But for a basic synopsis, it is about a Muggle-born wizard’s efforts to bring socialism to the wizarding world, with the help of a certain Josef Stalin…
THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HARRY POTTER
Favourite subject: History, particularly that of World War II. Ancient Greece and Rome are interesting too.
Favourite random plot device: Cement mixer
Favourite catchphrase: “Get hammered and sickled!”
Favourite bodily organ: Pancreas
Favourite main battle tank: Merkava IV
Favourite WWII tank: T-34/85
“Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way!” - George S. Patton
“In the absence of orders, go find something and kill it.” - Erwin Rommel
“Death is the solution to all problems. No man, no problem.” - Josef Stalin
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” - Winston Churchill
“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.” - Napoleon Bonaparte
Some favourite songs/artists:
Der heimliche Aufmarsch - Ernst Busch
Lugovaya trava - Lyube
300 - This is Sparta! Remix - no idea who did this…
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Animal Farm - George Orwell
Ender’s Game - Orson Scott Card
Island in the Sea of Time series - S. M. Stirling
Starship Troopers - Robert A. Heinlein
Candide - Voltaire
Our Dumb World and Our Dumb Century - The Onion
Well, I hope you found that useless information enlightening.
Cheerio, gib gib blubber bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!
~ Tim the Enchanter
Summary: Dieter Heydrich is a model German boy. He has perfect Aryan complexion, is an exemplary member of the Hitler Youth, and is fanatically loyal to his beloved Führer.
But on his eleventh birthday, Dieter discovers a hidden magical world led by an extraordinary wizard named Gellert Grindelwald…
Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best History/Mystery.
WINNER of QSQ 2009, Best Male Original Character.
Note: As you might have guessed, Für Das Größere Wohl is German, meaning: “For the Greater Good.” Yes, this story is from the perspective of the bad guys.
Yuri Krum, a high-ranking officer of the Second Zaubererreich, has every reason to be proud of the facility he is creating. But instead of satisfaction, there is doubt, and Chancellor Gellert Grindelwald is the man to answer Yuri’s questions.
The name of the facility is Nurmengard...
This is Tim the Enchanter of Ravenclaw House, writing for The Untold Story Challenge in the Great Hall on the Beta Forums.
Seventeen year old Gellert Grindelwald, a researcher at a dragon preservation, learns a few things about the greater good with the help of a few dragons and his friend Albus Dumbledore.
This is Tim the Enchanter of Ravenclaw writing for the Third Task of the Triwizard Tournament.
HEY! Hey you! Psssstttt! You have to help us!
It’s Tim the Enchanter, our fanfiction writer – HE’S GONE MAD! We’re just trying to live normal lives at Hogwarts, but CRAZY things keep happening to us because he’s bored!
Please! Read our story and hear our plight! We need to bludgeon some sanity into our author – Oh no! HE’S AT HIS COMPUTER NOW!
NO! NOOO-aaahhhh! Must resist! Resist… Gibber narg turnip turnip wibble antidisestablishmentarianism blubber gibber wop wop bbluubbaaarrrggghhh!
Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Humour.
Summary: What happens when you mix the Chinese military, Magizoologists, militant animal rights activists, Tibetan nationalists, wizarding bureaucrats, and a mad escaped yeti (besides chaos)?
You yell yourself yellow of course! Whatever that means…
But seriously, this is the alternately sober and stupid story of a yeti’s bid for freedom and the madness that ensues. Rated 6-7th Years for substance abuse (Magic Pixie Dust, anyone?), colourful swearing in four different languages (English, German, Spanish, and Mandarin!), and MAD YETI VIOLENCE!
Summary: The war against Voldemort is not going well. The Ministry of Magic has fallen and the Order of the Phoenix is scattered. Harry Potter and his friends are ruthlessly hunted by Voldemort and his Death Eaters. There is no end in sight for our heroes…
BUT SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE DARKNESS, ABSURDITY INTERVENES!
Nominated for QSQ 2008 Best Humour Story!
Quidditch games are won and lost by combinations of the aforementioned factors.
But what about butterflies?
Summary: "That was no hurricane," said Fudge miserably.
"Excuse me!" barked the Prime Minister, now positively stamping up and down. "Trees uprooted, roofs ripped off, lampposts bent, horrible injuries-"
"It was the Death Eaters," said Fudge. "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's followers. And... and we suspect giant involvement."
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Chapter One: The Other Minister
Sergeant Archer Price lives a rather humdrum existence at his Army base in Somerset, in the West Country. However, all of that changes when he and his unit are summoned to respond to a very strange and violent… hurricane?
But freak hurricanes are only the beginning of Archer’s problems, for soon his life gets very complicated…
Summary: The Ministry has fallen.
Under the new regime, there is a chamber in the depths of the Ministry of Magic that the condemned enter, but do not leave. This is the story of a man about to die.
Or is he? Fate is a fickle thing…
Nominated for QSQ 2009, Best Dark/Angst.