Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Website: schmergo.tumblr.com
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.

A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS

Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!

ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!

TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!

EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Oh No, Nott Again! by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 39]

Summary: Our boy Theodore Nott thinks hes signed up for a position in the Department of Mysteries. Little does he know that hes been roped into something a bit more deathly.

Rollicking fun, dry commentary, suspense, and heavy doses of surrealism with the Grim Reaper and company, including a surprise guest at the end. Written for the Gauntlet challenge by Schmerg_The_Impaler of the grand house of Hufflepuff.

Technically a companion piece to To Be Or Nott To Be, but whos counting? It also stands on its own just as well.


Looks like the judges got drunk again, because they were insane enough to give this story Second Place in the gauntlet. Somewhere, all the famous dead writers are rolling over in their graves, but I, for one, am feeling very squeeful at this undeserved reward! Thanks, judges!



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 8741 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/28/07 Updated: 05/29/07


Summary: It's the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog," guys! (And girls... and, I don't know, gender-neutral people and centaurs and walruses and parameciums and shrubs and stuff.)

Several months have passed since Filch came into possession of Voldemort's magical powers, and he has taken over Hogwarts.

With Filch serving as The Dark Lord Snoogerblossom, the position of Hogwarts caretaker/janitor is open. Seeing as Voldemort wants his magical powers back, he and his extremely attractive new sidekick, Mungo Phelps, go undercover at Hogwarts, with Mungo posing as a transfer student and Voldemort posing as the new janitor. Wacky high-jinks ensue.

Join Voldemort as he tries to get back his magic, kill Harry Potter, steal Gryffindor's sword to make a shiny new Horcrux, romance Minerva McGonagall, discover Sirius's secret to becoming a chick magnet, and swallow a teaspoon of his pride to mop up spills the Muggle way and wear an unflattering uniform! WARNING: Extremely silly and very out-of-character.

If you haven't read "The Dark Lord's Blog," well, what are you doing? GO READ IT NOW! Just click on my author name and you'll be directed to my chaotic author page, which lists all my wacky stories.

This is on hiatus, dudes. Ooh! But it was twice nominated by nice (and insane) people for the Best Humour Fic award in the Quicksilver Quills thingy!

Also, some wonderful loony nominated Mungo Phelps for Best Male OC, making him if possible even more conceited! (No one had the heart to tell Mungo that he was designed as an example of a terrible OC.)


EXCITING NEWS! "The E-Journal of an Evil Janitor" is now continued as a Twitter blog! Go to Twitter dot com and find thedarklord666. Voldy's waiting!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 4020 Chapters: 2 Completed: No
Published:
03/25/07 Updated: 04/30/07


Summary: Well... it's high time that I did something so completely insane that the wizards in white robes dragged me off to the closed ward in St. Mungo's.



So, I spoofed the entire album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by the Beatles, to be performed by your favourite Dark Lord and choice Death Eaters in the style of a rock opera. Eat your lonely hearts out!

I don't recommend this fic to those who are not at all familiar with the Beatles.


Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3322 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/11/07 Updated: 03/16/07


Summary: Lord Voldemort made a deal with someone who even he considers superior, and if he doesn't fulfill his side of it, then he'll be mortal again!

I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff house, and this is my submission for the Deathly Hallows prompt in the New Year's Challenge.

Although this story's a one-shot for the challenge, I may add more chapters after the contest is over.

EDIT: Dude! This story came in second in the "Deathly Hallows" prompt of the New Years' Challenge! So, let's do the "2nd Place Dance!" (It's a lot like the Cha-Cha slide.)


Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1407 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/21/07 Updated: 02/23/07


Summary: Lucius Malfoy is most infamous for being excessively proud of his ancestry and for his disdain for Muggle-borns. But what if he received a letter that changed everything? Takes place during OotP, and it's AU.

Contains snippets of humour.

For the "Dreams" challenge in the fanfiction beta boards... I am Schmerg_The_Impaler of Hufflepuff House.

Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 3623 Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/23/07 Updated: 02/16/07


Summary: The Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters are locked in battle over a highly important magical artifact known to most as Voldy's Deathpants, in bold letters like that. However, they go about battle in a, er, highly unusual way-- a Quidditch match!

Probably the silliest thing that's ever appeared on this site, featuring highly OOC behaviour.

Deathpants is a team of writers consisting of Mind_Over_Matter, cmwinters, wendelin the wierd, and Schmerg_The_Impaler. Our story was written in Round Robin format. This (and our deranged minds) explains its randomness. Enjoy!

The insanity of the Deathpants has gotten to the mods! This ridiculous story WON the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Humour Story!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6640 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/02/07 Updated: 01/03/07


Summary: For Lord Voldemort, life is going swell, and everything is juuust peachy... until a ghostly visitor arrives. EXTRAORDINARILY silly.

EDIT: For some bizarre reason that I can't fully comprehend, this story WON the "Things that Go Bump In The Night" challenge in the Winter's Tale Challenge.


Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 1224 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/28/06 Updated: 12/07/06


Summary: Past Featured StoryWhat does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.


WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.


RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!



Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 12002 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/23/06 Updated: 12/04/06


To Be Or Nott To Be by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 57]

Summary: Theodore Nott has never had much respect for anyone but himself. But after being summoned by Lord Voldemort to join the Death Eaters, his world turns upside down, and he finds himself questioning everything, including his own values and beliefs. Darkish, but with surprisingly light and fluffy bits, kind of like my Dad's pancakes or a truly hideous dress that my Mum once bought for me.

Written by Schmerg_The_Impaler from Hufflepuff House for the Gauntlet's 3rd run. Whoot!

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6599 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/13/06 Updated: 11/16/06


Summary: Lucius Malfoy's appealing to the Wizengamot after being caught in the Department of Mysteries, trying to convince them that he's not evil.

Quite silly, really.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 157 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/03/06 Updated: 11/06/06


Summary: Three-year-old Draco goes trick-or-treating for the first time. His mother takes the opportunity to teach him some lessons and Malfoy family values that she believes will be important to her son later in life. This depiction of Draco is VASTLY different from the version of him that I write in "The Dark Lord's Blog."

Ridiculously short one-shot.



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 983 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/26/06 Updated: 10/29/06


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