Hello my darling visitors :) Yes, this is the same QueenHal who was crazy enough to take on the job of redesigning MuggleNet Fan Fiction for MNFF-2. I'm also the same QueenHal who runs the Bannermakers Association at the forums.
But as much as I love to design and make pretty pictures... I also love to write. Here you will find the cozy little corner of Haley. Er, I mean - here are the stories I've authored. I'm rather proud of everything I've posted here--but I know that they wouldn't even be here if it weren't for my darling SPEWers. How I love those crazy kids.
Lanette and her Grandmother
Spirits of the Storm - Ch. 4
This was a very.... soothing chapter. With “Confrontation..” being so entirely traumatic and heated, this was a lovely footbridge to whatever you have coming next. But believe me, I cannot wait for whatever that is. Yum.
Your characters are so incredibly developed now. I mean, they have been for a while now... but it's finally hit me at how much I seem to know these characters – how I can predict their actions and feelings. But don't take that the wrong way, as at the same time, they never cease to surprise me. For example, Lucius's proposal came totally unexpected (and thrilling) to me, as it did to Siobhan. But looking back in hindsight, I realize how much a part of his character the whole thing was.
Her simple plan brought a smirk of satisfaction to her freckled face. - “smirk of satisfaction” and “freckled face”. Yum. Just teeming with alliteration here... loves it.
“Say it.” ... “I want you to use me.” Well, of course I'd love this... but I did have to address it. I love your little short, conviction filled lines like this. They always make me wriggle.
Okay. Next chapter time!
Oh Jenne this is even more exquisitely captivating than I imagined it would be. Siobhan is easily a favorite in BD because of her wit and mystery, but this one... oh this one is fun. From the first line, I was completely drawn in. I love seeing from behind her eyes. Seeing the other characters (not just the group of six, but the Malfoys as well) through different but extremely perceptive eyes was a treat. Your story is darker, more dangerous... I can feel it already. It's got me very very excited. Write on, my dear! (Oh and, I am inspired now. I shall make your Siobhan image, but I think I will now make it for this story rather than BD.)
Author's Response: Siobhan is a favorite in BD? Yay! I love getting to write a story through her eyes instead of Harry's, it's a nice change and a lot of fun. Dark and Dangerous - yes. And thank you SO much for the images, again :)
What a chapter!!! You've certainly built things up again. The tension between Siobhan and Potter's gang at school is just priceless. I relished it all. I've also noticed that you're extremely good with callbacks. References to past lines and past chapters always manage to add even more to your incredible story... they make the reader feel very “in” with the story and characters. Wheeeee! And... Siobhan was at her best in this chapter. How do you manage to make me love her even when I should be annoyed with her? Hmmm? Also... your combination of humour, drama, and suspense has always been good, but it's very impressive in this chapter (well not so much suspense.. but you know what I mean). You make such a seamless transition... very JKRish, but you definitely have your own style. Definitely.
But that was what he had provided, and Siobhan was pleased that her friendship with him was proving to be so beneficial. - *snorts* That line is so totally Siobhan. I heart it completely.
“Maybe you can get an affiliation with ‘spew’…” Ron chimed in with a snigger. - OH yes! Any “spew” reference gets me giggling every time. And this was just so perfect.
“Eh,” Ginny said with a shrug. “I never considered him, owing to the fact he’s a cruel and arrogant bastard. Not to mention his son is a swotty, whingy, pointy-nosed git.” - I love your Ginny. She makes me happy. Lines like this just make me snort.
Friday lessons seemed to drag onward with all the speed of a dying Flobberworm. - You know what I love? When fanfic writers can use analogies that fit into the wizarding world. This is a perfect example. Witty, fitting, and just... snickerworthy.
“My, my, you are a clever woman,” Lucius said silkily - Something I can just picture and hear... and melt to. Yum.
I love you Jenna. You make me happy every time.
What a fun story you have going here! Just different enough from Hogwarts to give it its own flavor, but similar enough to stay true to the HP universe. I love all the political intrigue - definitely adds American flavor.
I'd like to see you add a couple classes in there that aren't at Hogwarts - something different to sink your teeth into and spark the readers' interest.
Also, where is your school located? It seems very east-coastish... I think it would be fun if you included some kind of magical musical program... like choir or instrumental. I've always wanted to see how wizards approached the musical arts. You could include things like other languages (latin for spellwork??), magical art/photography, "magemathics" (a precursor to arithmancy), magical theory (sorta like history... but more about the why's then the when's), and maybe even a magical healing class in their curriculum.... not all schools specialize in the same arts as we found in GoF. I think it would be interesting to learn more... and I think you're just the person to do this :)
Author's Response: I'm glad you like it. Firstly, yes Wentwater is in the east coast. As you saw they leave from South Station in Boston, MA so that should give you an idea of where it is (I can't tell you specifically for obvious reasons.) I really like music (Music Performance major) and I had planned to include a Magimusic class, but it didn't serve the plot and that's what's important. There will be several references to music in the story, though. I'm fairly certain that the spells used are from latin origin so that's already in there. Any precursors to arithmancy will be discussed in Arithmancy class, that is, when they take the class in my third story. Magical theory is something that will be delved into during the 6th and 7th years, assuming Patrick takes those course, and since Native Americans do have their own brand of magic a course dealing with Shamanic and healing will also be available later on for study. It's not use having them learn it now. I had to decide whether I wanted to keep the classes the way they were or whether I should add things or take some away. Like I mentioned, some of the ideas you brought up will be seen, but others won't. I couldn't add classes just for the sake of being different. Seeing as Wentwater was founded by a wizard whose parent's were Hogwarts educated wizards, it is only natural that Wentwater reflect the culture it came from. After all, the American colonies, for a time, were a reflection of English culture. You'll see in the next chapter a bit more about Wentwater's past.
Author's Response: Also, I have this story planned out already so there's not much room for variation, at least not in the areas of adding classes and teachers.
My dear, this piece of yours is exceptional. What wonderful insights on the characters, and the wand-making business itself. I especially enjoyed the severus piece where we learned so much about the process. Interesting and I'm sure very close to what JK herself had in mind. I wouldn't be suprised if you even looked more into it than she did. I also loved the Neville story. It was terribly heartwarming and inspiring. I really adore your characterization of Mr. Ollivander through the different eyes of all the children. Thank you for sharing this with us, this was truely a treat.
Author's Response: Such high praise from you, Queen Hal! Thank you! (sniff...tears welling up...) I did do a lot of research and I thought about the wand making process for ages. Neville deserves a boost and a wonderful wand...I think JKR will give Neville the right wand this time and it will make a difference in his confidence, as will his recent experience at the Department of Mysteries. I thought Severus would want to know more about wand making than the average boy wizard and I also thought Mr. Ollivander would jump at the chance to share his knowledge. I'm so happy you enjoyed this story! Thank you again, for reading and reviewing!
One of the better post-HBP fics I've read. A few minor errors here and there, but nothing terribly significant. One thing I'd like to point out though, is your reference to muggle things where they could be replaced by wizarding references. Such as, Ron's snores sounding like chain saws - Mrs. Weasley probably doesn't even know what one of these things is - I would make an allusion to something from her world instead. Arthur also says he's going to "call" Moody and the others, instead I would say something like "floo" or "owl".
All in all though, very nice start... I look forward to seeing where you are going.
Author's Response: Sorry...being a Muggle myself, I suppose sometimes it leaks into my writing. I couldn't think of any sort of magical thing that is the equivalent of a chainsaw, most wizards would probably just use their wand to blast down trees. As far as using "call" instead of "floo" or "owl", it's really referring more to the Order's way of communicating with each other via Patronus. They wouldn't be likely to say, "I'll send a Patronus to Moody".
And the plot thickens! You've got yourself a good story here. It's a nice change, and a fun read. Your characters are pretty well rounded and for the most part are IC. I had a slight raized eyebrow at Lupin's reaction when he answered the door... In any case, I am quite impressed with your current tale and will keep my eyes out for new chapters.
Author's Response: Yes, my beta also said that Lupin was a bit on the angry side, but considering his reaction near the end of HBP, when he sorta...freaked out a bit, I think his anger towards Snape is justified.
Well darn! Such a stunning little gem you have here, and yet there is no continuation to be found! But alas, I shall review, because it's too good to go unreviewed—even if you do never plan to finish it.
Your inclusion of small, but wonderful trinkets of details is what really makes your writing so compelling to read. You use these simple and flowing descriptions, but you don't limit yourself to just pretty, flowering sentences. Lines such as, But no. Ronald Weasley was sitting in the Headmistress' office, picking at a scab on his face and waiting to be updated on the situation and He was daydreaming of his mother's mash when he was bumped into are just priceless. They add so much character to your descriptions.
The idea itself is completely intriguing, and at the same time, something that is very plausible. I enjoy every bit of the backstory, and only wish I could learn more. Who are these Lost Ones, really? What can they do for the Wizarding World? I want to know, I want to know! And this Copper girl... mmmmm I really would like to know more about her. You have this character, who has gone through her entire growing-up years as a hardened, self-sufficient Muggle, only to find herself thrust into the role of damsel-in-distress whose new home is a castle. For most of your readers, I'm sure they would kill to be in her position... but something tells me Copper isn't going to be loving this like we would.
"So what's these kids and the books have to do with me, and indirectly with the war?" asked Ron tiredly, trying to be polite. McGonagall smiled at his slightly.
The above line hits me as slightly off... I tried saying it out loud just now, and I found it rather difficult—it just doesn't seem like something anyone, least of all Ron, would say. Maybe, “So what do these kids and books have to do with the war? Or with me?” might work just a bit better. Also, I think you meant to have a word after “McGonagall smiled at his...”.
But this is just a nitpick... and you truly are a wonderful story-weaver. I never cease to be impressed by your work.
What a powerful… intense… interesting… completely original one-shot. Nice job, ladies. I thoroughly enjoyed it!
Though the things that must have been going through Harry’s head! We don’t see many of his reactions while reading the letter, but it’s better that way – it would be an insult to the reader’s intelligence and understanding of Harry. Just imagining his reactions is painful enough – in a completely delicious way. Is that wrong? ;)
This Holly character - it’s hard to put my feelings about her into words. At times I want to kick her, and at others I feel almost sorry for her (with lines like I will admit it, broke my heart at last. Their marriage was beautiful, but I was crying inside.). I do, though, have the distinct impression that she is not a very nice person at all. I know for a fact that if I met her, it would not be a very pleasant experience (though more for her or me, I’m still not sure). She’s clearly quite snobbish and rather exhausting. If I were Harry, I would stay far, far away.
I find it amazing how you’ve made a character in a letter as real as Harry, his friends, and Dumbledore. Despite my dislike, I was fascinated. Though we don’t really even have a clear visual of her, she’s terribly real, and almost frightening. Her words are biting and rather obnoxious. It doesn’t really even seem like she cares how Harry must be taking this. It seems as if she’s only writing this to get the weight off her shoulders.
There was one line that confused me a little in the letter: We all got involved with the Order of the Phoenix (those misguided young people perhaps more so) and did some really outstanding work for it. Who are the misguided young people, Lily and James? But that wouldn’t make sense, as she’s only a year older…
I’m also really wondering about the “cannon” characters now. Holly made Lily out to be naïve and almost a simpleton – not the fiery woman spoken of by James’ friends. Could Holly really have been James’ lover? And if she had been, what was James really like, himself? *shudders* If this letter was really true, maybe it was a good thing Harry didn’t live with his true parents growing up…
Wow. You're good; you're really good. You've managed to take the same beginning that so many authors are using – Harry at the Burrow after the B/F wedding – and have turned it into something new and wondrous.
You have beautiful, beautiful imagery. Every description flows and ebbs perfectly, lending a complete and colourful image to the reader. Also, the wide range emotions you manage to convey in this single chapter is incredible – fear, panic, love, devotion, rage, emptiness, sadness, and so many, many more.
This, coupled with the fact that you can characterise each character perfectly, makes this, in my humble opinion, one of the best Year-Seven fictions I have read. To elaborate on the latter, I just have to say that you have a wonderful sense of each character – Harry, Hermione, Ron, Bellatrix – they are all completely IC and believable. Not only that, but you add an extra something to each of them. You've let them grow, evolve, and this shows the true mark of mastership.
There are no major errors to point out, but I do have a few nit-picks.
Hermione’s smile broadened. “Ok.” -- “Ok” should be “OK” or “Okay”. I recommend the latter as you don't want her words to look like she's shouting.
Harry stared him cold in the eyes, searching Ron’s face. “She mine as well be,”... -- “mine as well” should be “might as well”.
Again, these are only nit-picks. You are a fantastic writer, with nearly impeccable grammar, and should not be discouraged by something nearly all of us do.
Also: great dialogue. I noted earlier your great characterisation, and the dialogue only adds to this. For instance:
“Ron,” he started, “She was crying. It wasn’t some deep, significant discussion on the meaning of life,” he finished, failing to sound casual and interested. -- GREAT! This made me laugh, in the midst of such somberness and angstyness. You're good at that – switching emotions on us to keep us engulfed.
I sincerely look forward to reading more from you... I will be adding this to my favorites. Thank you for a wonderful read!
Author's Response: *Gapes* Oh... oh my word! Thank you!! Please excuse my sputtering... I'm just so overwhelmed by your review. Such wonderful compliments! Wow. I am beyond thrilled that you enjoyed the first chapter. And thanks very much for pointing out those errors as well! They were both very helpful. I'm glad you mentioned the dialogue, too... I was a little worried about that. Your assurances have definitely boosted my confidence in that area, so I'll continue to use my current methods. Actually, your entire review left me bubbling with happiness, and inspired me to work on chapter three. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to leave your thoughts. I hope you enjoy chapter 2 just as much. <3
You've done an incredible job here. What a way to start Book 7! We have the intriguing history of Godric's Hollow, cameos from both Salizar and Godric himself, and the tale of the fateful Halloween night from a Muggle's eyes. Brilliant. Here you have a very, very strong introduction to your story—one that is reminicient of JKR's own way of opening her tales.
Not only do you have a strong structure, but you have a wonderful way of writing. I see that you are trying to imitate Jo's style, but I also think you have a strong voice of your own. I'm very interested in seeing what you can do for later chapters.
I'm just curious about one thing. Gryffindor and Slytherin lived about 1000 years ago, yet certain things about the way you describe their town hit me as more modern. For instance, pubs were usually “Inns” that doubled as taverns, and I don't believe that medieval towns had mayors... I might be wrong, though :)
I just have a couple nitpicks: He presented a very fierce look upon his face at times, and was rumored to carry a stick in his right hand at times, about eleven inches in length. you say “at times” twice in this sentence. I suggest just deleting the second, or inserting “often” in there.
A weird since on calmness and coldness filled the room, only to be replaced by more screams. I'm guessing you meant, “A weird sense of...”
“Now young Potter. You look extraordinarily like Prongs. Except, you have your mother’s eyes. But, alas, I have no more time for you. AVADA KEDAVRA!!!” For some reason, this doesn't sound like Voldemort to me. I'm just being very picky here, but I think that your story is so wonderful in almost every way, so Voldemort's characterisation here just kind of jarred me. I imagine him saying something a bit more evil and toying... for example: “Now young Potter,” he hissed, “your sneaky little parents are dead, and there's no one here who can save you. See, you existing is a bit of a problem, a problem that I plan on disposing of very soon.”
But truly, even with the nitpicks, you've got a truly wonderful beginning here. I'm definitely adding this to my favorites, and will be looking for more from you in the near future!
Author's Response: Thanks! I'll fix the grammatical problem right now... I was surprised to get any reviews today as this story has been up for weeks, I just submitted chapter 2, and it must be far down on the list! I had a heck of a time getting Voldy to do what I wanted to do... A hard characted to write about. This chapter has everything to do with the rest of the story, and I have written up to chapter 7 already. Once again - thanks!!!
Author's Response: Sorry, typo, character, not characted.
"Would you like to submit a review?"
Ummm YES, yes I would. Anna, dear, you are brilliant. I wish it had not taken you so long to post this, but I am so incredibly glad you did. Something this wonderful deserves to be seen, not hidden in a wittle LJ post to be viewed by only a select chosen few.
This is beautifully, beautifully written, wrought with wonderful imagery and descriptions. You're exceptionally good at this angsty suspence. The first time I read this, I was so wrapped up in your plot that I hardly noticed any of these so-called swedish-to-english errors. I'm serious, doll – you write so much better than most Americans I know.
You have this knack with words... you combine them in ways that are truly wonderful. You're good weaving sentences and finding interesting ways to convey what you're trying to say. I commend you for this.
Like I said before, your plot is flawless. Anna, you've got some really good ideas here. I've seen so many versions of Voldemort's hidaway – but what you have here strikes me as one of the most believable. The idea of how the darkest and lowest dungeons are reserved for the highest of Voldemort's command is so intriguing. I could truly see this being so.
Oh Anna, I have so much more to say... and for that reason, I may review again. But I needed to get this out now, and I needed also to tell you how proud I am of you for getting this up! You're a wonderful reviewer, a wonderful friend, and now we see that you are a wonderful writer as well. Go Anna!
Author's Response: So, here I am, finally sitting down and responding to reviews. And this, *looks at review from Haley*, is my first "real" one, ever. I'm smiling like a lunatic when reading it again (as I have done every time I've come back to look at it), from the very beginning to the end. But Haley, I don't just want to thank you for this lovely, spurring and thoughtful review, but also for your help getting this little story to the highly comfortable place it's in now. The time you devoted really made me realise what I already should have known was true - great advice from a great friend is one of the best ways one can improve. *huggles* So, thank you. For everything. :)
This is absolutely fantastic. In fact, it's the first fiction I've read recently reminded me why I used to love canon-based fictions. Although, judging from this incredible first installment, I have no doubt that this will be a far cry from a Jo-carbon copy. What you have done here, is what true fanfiction is all about.
It was the title that first caught my eye—something that could easily be passed off as cliché, but on second glance, is the farthest cry from it. It's gritty, it's exciting, and it points to a story with the promise of a fabulous tale. Then I read the summary, and almost jumped six feet in the air. What an awesome premise! What excites me more, is that you're attempting it. Too many authors are trying to convince themselves that the gang is returning to Hogwarts, and too few are taking on the complex task of sending them on a perilous journey.
Then, you go and blow me away with your writing style. From the start, you don't pretend that this is a children's story. Lines like, “...his former girlfriend who he desperately wanted to slam against the door and kiss senseless. set the theme of this story from just this first chapter—it's an adult tale of courage and passion. You're raising the stakes, you're beginning the end with a bang.
I loved your inclusion of Luna and Neville. The line, “Each was special to Harry in a way his respect for Neville and Luna wasn’t, in that he loved them all dearly and would happily give his life to save theirs,” was truly perfect. It's the type of line that really draws the reader into the story, giving them a sense of omniscient knowledge, giving them a connection to the characters. I commend you for this.
I don't know how you'll be able to follow up such a fabulous chapter with something even more pungent, but something tells me you're going to be doing just that. I have high hopes for this story, and I will definitely be staying with it. Thank you for this inspiring read... I think I'll go write now. :)
This is wonderful! You've certainly captured the essence of the Goblet, not to mention the underlying dark feeling of Gof as a whole. I'm not an expert on poetry, so I cannot give you any critique in that fashion. I can say, though, that your word choices are excellent, and your imagery is good.
There are a couple places where I might insert a word or change a word to make the rhythm a little smoother. For instance:
I warn you, be cautious might sound even better as I warn you, do be cautious.
At the top of the sky. seems week compared to the rest of your lovely poem. Soaring through the sky maybe?
Overall, nice job! Well worth the read. But to get more reads, I suggest that you tighten up your summary. Capitalize “Goblet of Fire”. And I suggest taking out “PLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE read it and submit rewies!”.... No one's going to want to read it if you beg. Especially since “reviews” is spelled wrong ;)
Author's Response: Thanks for your reply. I will certainly work on the summary! -Marvolo
Author's Response: Thanks a millions for your reply. I will surely see to it that the changes you suggested are made. I would also like you to tell me more topics for poems and stories related to HP which fans would enjoy. As this is my first submission to mugglenet, this means a lot to me. Thanks again and look out for my next poem. -Marvolo
Stacey – How impressed I am! This is the first chance I've gotten to actually read your story since I created your banner, and was pleasantly surprised. I very much enjoyed this first chapter, especially your descriptions. You have a way with words that is quite pleasing to the eye, and if they were spoken aloud, they would roll off the tongue with eloquence.
I also adore the way you move the plot along, leaving very little down time where nothing happens. This is an issue I often have, keeping up the pace of the plot while still leaving room for description and dialogue.
I'm really liking your characterization of Snape, especially since you present him as an extremely multifaceted character yet don't force a label on him yet as good or evil. You've got me bouncing in anticipation for more of this character! Everything from your descriptions of him to Snape's dialogue you have down to a T. Great job!
Some of your other characters' dialogue, however, I found a tad stilted—especially compared to your very fluid descriptions. Draco's, for example, presented him as a very one-sided character, which I admit, he may often be. However, you're so talented at offering many facets of a personality in a characterization, I'd like to see you attack some of your other characters with this. Voldemort's dialogue, also, seemed a bit odd. I found it strange every time he called Severus “friend”. This just doesn't seem a very Voldyish thing to do. Feel free to correct me on this, but I just don't believe that he would ever call one of his servants “my friend”.
Otherwise, Im very impressed! I'm adding this to my favourites and looking forward to reading the next chapter.
Author's Response: Mmm.. Voldemort may have his reasons for acting that way. And he did call Lucius his \"slippery friend\" in book four, and not in the same reference as the movie (don\'t get me started on WBs version...) As for Draco, don\'t worry, I have plans for him :) I\'m so happy you reviewed me! Thank you
Hello radcliffegrl4evr :) As a fellow writer of an American OC of Salem, I was curious enough to check out your story. And while you do have much potential, there quite a few things I'd like to point out to help you become even stronger in your writing.
Let's begin with your opening paragraph. It has potential to be strong... but as it stands, I'm overcome with the feeling of reading a terribly cliché description. “Her eyes like dark, melted chocolate” is particularly dangerous. Why don't you describe what's behind her eyes? “Her eyes, the color of chocolate, seemed to hum with intensity. They never left his own, and he felt as if he could read her very soul by looking at them.” Something, anything would help that one...
She told Harry about a wizard exchange program between the schools and the possibility of her signing up to spend a year at Hogwarts, shadowing Harry and learning the ins and outs of Hogwarts life. It was the perfect opportunity.
The perfect opportunity for what? How is this going to help him fight Voldemort? Will learning about the lifestyles of different wizarding societies aid him in understanding the strange society under Voldemort? If so, it is important for you to specify. As it stands, this just seems like you're grappling around, trying to find a thread from canon that you can twist to suit your purposes in forwarding your plot. I'm just not sure it's working...
The only other thing Harry did that summer was write to Angela. Mostly he wrote to her about what Hogwarts was like, what she would need, and went into as much detail as he could about the teachers and classes. He also frequently wrote about himself, his friends, and how eager he was to see her again.
I'm so confused. This just does NOT seem like Harry to me. After all he's been through, I just cannot see him suddenly falling for a girl and pouring his heart (not to mention deepest secrets) out to her on paper. Besides, if this is following canon, I have reason to believe that Harry would have much more important things on his mind—perchance, finding the Horcruxes?--that he would spend all summer doing. Spending every waking moment writing to a girl he has met only once just does not seem to fit into this parameter.
And, what Harry found most amazing about her, she was a Seeker on her school’s Quidditch team. However, to Harry’s great bewilderment, she also frequently pointed out her flaws, such as her tendency to sleep-talk, be obnoxiously loud, self-conscious, and get very angry at people for peculiar reasons, such as sniffling, mumbling inaudibly when they spoke to her, or moving their lips while they read. Harry wondered why she told him all of this but didn’t care, as long as she didn’t mind his tendency to skive off his Divination homework.
There are quite a few things I'd like to point out about this paragraph. For one, American schools tend to play Quadpot rather than Quidditch. For another, I'm not sure I like how you're telling us her flaws. For that's exactly it-- you're telling us. There's nothing here that's “showing” me anything about her... in fact, everything here is pointing directly to Mary Sue. And this is not a place you want to be hovering at all...
“No, Ron, I can’t say it does,” Harry replied hastily, pulling on his trainers and tying them hastily.
You've got two “hastily”s here.
“Why’re you so keen about being on ti… Harry, you great bastard!” A smile spread across Ron’s face as comprehension finally dawned on him.
Eeek... again, we have a bit of OOCness here. In the paragraph before, you have Ron saying “Bloody hell!” and in this one, you have him calling Harry a bastard. I realize they are boys and boys like to swear, but Ron's character is not one to randomly swear with every line he says. I'd check this... you could easily make his dialogue even stronger by not having him swear.
But realize that while I have many constructive criticisms, your ideas do have potential. Just keep at it!
Author's Response: Umm..okay. I think it\'s great that you took the time to try to help this story, but one of the awrnings on here is Alternate Universe. And Angela is not that Mary Sue, she\'s normal. You\'ll see later on why she had to warn Harry of her imperfections. You haven\'t read the whole story!
Author's Response: Pardon me. \'Warnings\' was spelled incorrectly on the second line.
This is such a little slice of goodness. Or badness. But the good kind of badness. What I mean is, I love it down to the last striking exchange between such an unthinkable pair of characters. One-- young, quick witted, and righteous, the other-- dark, devious, and plotting. And the moment they come together, it's just like candy.
I really admire how you turn Minerva's character around. When we first see her, she seems meek and naïve, a mere child who could hold no power over someone like Tom Riddle. But when she delivers that last biting line to him at the end, I feel like swooping her up and kissing her on the forehead—though can you imagine how she would love that!? Hah! In many ways, she reminds me of Hermione. Lines like “I am not prowling,” Minerva proclaimed in her defence. “I was restless, I thought I’d go for a small stroll…” are very reminiscent of something Hermione would say. However, there's something new, something more, [is dangerous the right word?] about her. I adore it.
You have me a little confused, though, with your italicized sentences, because they all seem to be italicized for different reasons. The first, [- are you doing up at this hour?”] seems to be a sentence she's finishing in her head. And while I like this, I don't think it's necessary. However, if you really want it in there, I suggest you do something like:
--are you doing up at this hour? The words never reached her lips as she blinked at the dark haired boy...
The second italicized bit looks as if she's having a bit of deja vu. Why is this familiar? Is this what she feels when she's with Dumbledore....?
Then, the third: He plays games with people’s minds and hearts, and he wins. I can't decide whether this is something she's thinking, or whether this is something she remembers Dumbledore saying about him. I want you to connect this, because I have a feeling if it's clarified it will make this story even more powerful than it already is.
Love, love, love. Wonderful one-shot, Jen.
Mask! How perfectly enchanting! I've read your writing before... but this... this was just something really special. You have this light humor paired with a flowing, serene narrative, and the dark undertones of prejudice and injustice. And then you have... this new, unique, but at the same time, rational storyline. It's a balance that works wonderfully, and I enjoyed every word.
Now, I want you to write more. And, consider for a second that you were to write more....
I'm intrigued by Jon... especially when you reveal what his “evil” inheritance is. It's something I've never considered, but certainly could lead to an incredible story... I do hope that's what you would do with this. Jon's story. It's so easy for “next-generation” fics (*cringes* I hate that term) to become cliché. But if there is anyone to write it.... it's you. A brilliant writer coupled with fantastic ideas? YES please!
But perhaps that isn't your intention at all for this story... perhaps you're focusing on Miss Sarah Grey. She's a character that I already can tell has a much deeper story to tell. I'd love to see how her soft demeanor affects the Potter family. How her presence in Jon's life influences him in the future... oh yes, so much potential here.
So, here's the thing. Next time I'm in a position to request something from you, I'm 100% sure that it will be something about one of the above two characters. Fantastic, Miss Mask... you really have me pining for more.
I really liked this, Mar. It was so sad—but at the same time, so hopeful. You have a lovely way of describing things and moving the scene through words. I noticed that you use a lot of repetitiveness in your paragraphs to build up a certain tone. I like this style a lot—in fact, I use it. However, if you do it too much, it loses its effectiveness. Just a heads up :) Otherwise, I really found your writing quite lovely to read.
But there was someone out there in the garden on the moonlit September. Charlie was too curious not to go down and find out who it was.
I'm not sure “Moonlit September” quite works... maybe you meant “moonlt September night”? I'm sensing you want a bit of atmosphere here. How about: “But the moonlit garden was not empty as he expected it to be—there was someone down there, embracing the cold September night air as if it were summer again. Charlie could not make the figure out, but he found his curiosity take hold of him, willing him to discover who the lonesome figure could be.” Okay, well, I got a little carried away there, but I hope you see what I mean. I really adore the implications here—I just think you could do more to build up the mood.
Out here, the memories always seemed to encompass more people as well. I'm not sure what you mean here.... clarify? Are you leading up to Charlie's approach? In that case, I'd do something like, “Out here, the memories found their home among the stars, and she felt so small against them—so lonely.” This way, you can build up to why she wouldn't mind Charlie coming to comfort her.
I really like her reply to him about “escaping the house”. You're personifying the house here; it's as if the walls themselves are soaked with memories and pain. It's a rather chilling image—and a good one for the two of them to fall silent to.
And... I adore this: She told him about Fred and George’s Christmas present to their father: a set of something called 'Pokemon Cards' which had no actual use... much like the other things Mr. Weasley collected. But they were snappy colors. -- just the kind of thing the twins would do! Even in the midst of such a sad situation, this brings a smile to my lips. It's wonderful to have a balance of comedy.
And your last line.... “Just one kiss. Then he held her through the sunrise.” Mmmmmm that is just perfect! I wish I had a collection of favourite last lines ever—because then I would steal this and add it.
Over all, it is a lovely little tale—filled with tears, but also with a flickering of smiles. Thank you so much for sharing it with us :)
Ooohhhhh Kal.... *breathes long and hard* This was nothing short of exceptional. Every line, every word was chosen to perfection; every paragraph held a treasure, every sentence something to ponder over. You are good, Miss Kal. You are really, really, really good.
Your strongest point (though it is hard to pick just one) is your perfection in characterization. Not just in the way Ginny thinks, though that is, as she would say, brilliant—but also in the way she describes her siblings, her parents, Ron, Harry, Hermione. It's just all too good. And I also must commend you on your Brit-speak. Not one word out of place.
The flying... the reflection on Tom Riddle's possesion... the thoughts about her relationship with Ron, and later with Harry... it's just all so much GOOD. It's nearly impossible for me to find anything to critique. Usually, I would say that the extra space between paragraphs bothers me—but in reality, it doesn't, because your paragraphs are long and the separation is actually a nice thing. However, I might make it just one space between the dialogue, if that makes sense.
*holds up palms* I'm sorry. I have nothing else to offer you. I just skimmed it over again, looking for something—anything—that would lead to Concrit, but I'm drawing up blank. Instead, I'm finding myself reading over favourite passages and smiling.
You've been keeping this exceptional talent of yours hidden, Miss Kal! I might have to go make an announcement in the BA about what an incredible little one-shot you have here ;)
But, really... I cannot wait to see more from you. You're an extraordinary girl, a talented designer, and now, I see that you are a gifted writer as well. You're going to go far, girl.
Author's Response: Oh,Haley! *smothers with huggles*
Thank you for such a profoundly squee-ish review! Your compliments completely blew me away; I am so amazed and honored that such a fantastic person as you could leave a review like this. I love it, and I shall treasure it forever.
Thanks most of all for the comment on characterization. I'm glad to see that goal of mine reached - it was, admittedly, the one I was most worried out. And the Brit-speak, well, I have no idea about that. I guess it helps to have parents educated in British English and to say "h" funnily.
I shall have to go check that formatting out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for such wonderful praise in your exquisite writing style! I wish I could say more but...SQUEEEE was the only response fit enough for my happiness. Inexpressable thanks again =)
Mucho love, Kal