I'm just your average male fourteen year old Bostonian who loves to read Harry Potter and relish in baseball. The Sox are my team (no more 1918) but I do enjoy the Patriots. I love board games, my favorite is Monopoly but I also enjoy Chess, Stratego, and Mastermind. I love to write, whether its poetry, editorials, stories or fan fiction. "That's all folks!"
Excellent! There are just two mistakes I noticed though. One, why do you use single quotes ('...') instead of double quotes ("...")? It's grammatically correct to use double quotes when someone speaks, etc. while single quotes are used with quotes within quotes and thoughts. Secondly, Ginny didn't take O.W.L.s yet. You take them in fifth year, and while Harry, Hermione, and Ron are fifth years Ginny is in fourth. Thus, she wouldn't have gotten her results yet. Other than that, the story was excellent, but I... want... too... read... that... LETTER!
Author's Response: I'm using British punctuation. All the British versions use that system. I never said she took her O.W.L.s, I only said what her exam results were like. Exams are taken at the end of every year. Perhaps that should have been clearer.
I still find this fic absolutely superb. Your title really hooked me in, and now I can't wait to find out what the heck this
"Fortress" is. My one critique is that I believe "you-know-who" is capitalized. You-Know-Who. This is because it is standing for a name. But that leads me to think that pronouns aren't capitalized, and they stand for a name. But then again, when used as a title, words like "Mom" and "Dad" are. Okay, now I'm confused. Just a suggestion, I'd look it up if you're not positive.
Author's Response: Good. I promise the Fortress is a lot more interesting than you get to find out in ch 3. With the You-Know-Who, I think you're right. You may notice I've been rather cavalier with this issue. I'll probably fix it up when I submint ch 4 some time this week.
Like my prior reviewers, I too don't find free verse as my cup of tea, but this wasn't bad. I'd work with the formatting a little bit, everything is rather choppy (especially where you'd put one small word on a line of its own) and loses the flow of the poem. Your descriptions were good, but I'd work with the sentence structure a little to keep it interesting. Other than that, not bad. Good job. And I hope the other poem gets out of the queue.
Author's Response: I'll re-read my poem and keep an eye out for things that I might change. Thanks, I enjoy receiving constructive critism. I hope also that my poem will come out of the queue; I'l' re-review your poem to let you know when it has. Thanks for reviewing!
This story truly is superb, and deserves being feautured as much as any story. I read this about a week ago, but as usually happens, I get side-tracked and don't review. Well, I'm glad to be able to review for such a story.
Anywho, I really don't find your characters to be TOO one-dimensional, I will admit that Ninette does seem to mope a little too much even someone in her predicament would... but I digress. The strength of this fic is the characters, and they are very well-written.
I like how you make Charlie the type that reaches out to people, just don't go to overboard with that. Charlie is a good guy, yes, but I don't think he'd be over-friendly. I don't know if I'm really getting my point across, but I guess what I'm trying to say is show a couple of weaknesses. He borders slightly on being too good.
Plot-wise, you're developing well. Throwing in this little bit with the passages really varies it up well. Glad to know we're past the exposition stages. I'd like to get a little more on Ninette, though. She doesn't seem to "in" on the plot yet. She's there all right, she's got a great background, yet a nice juicy conflict isn't quite there. I hope you can throw one in.
All-in-all, you're doing a superb job, I'm just in a nit-picking mood. Despite knowing absolutely nothing about dance, you've kept me well informed. Keep it up!
Author's Response: Thanks for the well thought out review! I agree with what you said about both characters. Ninette does tend to hang out on the fringe of the plot and mope, and Charlie is rather 'too good.' I think the first is more of a problem than the second; I have been thinking about Charlie, and his goodness has more to do with the fact that he is being seen through the perspectives of Tonks and Ninette, both of whom have a tendency to idealize people, than that he is actually all that good. I'm still working on adding flesh to Charlie's character, so I'm hoping it will come through better in later chapters. As for Ninette, the reason she mopes a lot is that she is shy and she therefore has nothing else to do. I started posting the story too early, before I had quite figured out how Ninette was going to fit in. She does have a place in the main plot, but unfortunately it doesn't appear for a while. Bad author!! Let this be a lesson: always think ahead. So yes, she has been hanging out on the fringes; I'm looking forward to the chapters in which she gets more pulled in. Thanks for taking the time to leave a thought out review!
This was a very good fic, very good. I noticed nill in the way of grammatical and spelling errors, you kept Hermione in character, and your writing was great. Good job.
Now, into detail. I loved the explanations you gave for third year. I never truly realized it, Hermione was a bit off, wasn't she? Relating that to the death of a relative, a relative she was very close too, was a great idea. Hermione's letter, was beautifully written, apparently straight from the heart.
I do think she wouldn't have kept ALL of the secrets to herself though. She may not have told Harry or Ron (for good reasons, which you mentioned), but a professor perhaps? McGonnagall? She is always nagging Harry to tell Dumbledore, and I'm sure Dumbledore would have realized something was wrong... he seems a good option.
Still, you wrote this beautifully, plausibly, and seemingly straight from the heart. I'm not much into fics lacking action, but this one was superb!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading and reviewing! For grammar and spelling, thank my beta. She's fantastic.
While it was really beyond the scope of this story, I do believe Hermione has an unusually close relationship with Professor McGonagall. Hermione is, however, very secretive at times. I get the feeling that there's a lot she doesn't tell anyone. I can see her confiding in Professor McGonagall more as she gets older. In her first couple years at Hogwarts Hermione is too young and too awed to see Minerva as a real person or friend. By Fifth or Sixth year she has probably grown up enough in her perspective to be able to see McGonagall in that light. I don't think Hermione would speak about something so personal to any of her teachers as teachers; she would have to have more of a relationship before she felt comfortable.Obviously, Hermione and McGonagall are two of my favorite characters, and I've spent a lot of time thinking about their relationship. And if a plot bunny strikes, I'll write a story.
lol, jolly good! Jolly good! I was never really a true 'shipper, I really could care less, and I was always drawn both ways (Harry/Ginny; Harry/Hermione). I personally thought Ron/Hermione would occur and then Ron would croak. Ah well. Harry/Ginny is fine with me.
Enough of my story, I loved yours! Great job, it was all very fluent. Great rhymes, it all simply seemed very natural. Not much more to say...
Author's Response: Thanks! Constructive criticism is always appreciated. P.S.- By the way, you have infected me! 'Jolly Good' is now my most unintentionally used adjective!
To my fans I would like to say that I am back to writing, and I have now updated many of the chapters! Some changes are just grammer edits, but there are many adds and changes to chapters. Some based on your reviews or small things I felt needed to be added. Please take a look at the changes and let me know what you think. I am looking forward to hearing what you have to say about the changes and up comeing chapters.
First off, I will tell you that this is the first time I have strayed into the romance section. And might I add, with a start like this, I just may not leave!
You have a good grasp of your characters, it's nice to see that. Ginny seems very much in character, I liked the detail you gave to her previous relationship life. You made her seem very much assertive, which is how she needs to be written, keep that up. As for Harry, he is pretty well-written. A wee-bit too take-charge, in my opinion. Not by much, just a little bit. I do like the Dursley note, I just feel a little more agressiveness might be useful (I like the "call me if you need me thing" though, that's good), I think he would have a little more angst toward the people that made the first eleven-plus years of his life terrible.
I do hope, though, that in future chapters you won't go as meticulously into what happened in the past. That may be needed in the actual series, but I think you can safely assume that we are all pretty well-caught up on the series. Just a slight pet-peeve I was having.
Overall, I found this a very good plot with room for improvement. You're doing a fine job though, I'll be back!
Author's Response: Well thank you for the review, and welcome to Romance section. In the Dursley note I wanted to show that Harry has moved past them and that he was bigger then them. At this point it is time for Harry to get proactive, for far to long he has sat back and let life dictate to him. That time is over. The back-story I provided was put up front so I don't have to provide it later. I am glad you enjoyed the story and will be back. If you like this one then I would recommend Harry Potter and the Girl Who lived by mrsgeorgeweasley. Again thank you for reading and reviewing.
Not bad! I'm not a big romance buff, but this was a nice, pleasant little story that makes you feel like you just drank a Butterbeer. You clearly have quite the handle on Ginny's feelings, I really felt like she was talking to me. Everything seemed so realistic, it really was amazing to see such a good portrayal of an older Ginny. Because she is so energetic it's odd to think of her aged and reserved, but you did a wonderful job.
My suggestion for your fic is to have it flow a little better. You can't waste words, but you need to have some nice adjectives to paint the picture to the reader. My imagination was able to take over for the most part, but as a writer you want to give your audience's imagination a path on which to think. It starts out rather choppy, perhaps you could have combined a couple of paragraphs at the beginning?
Anywho, I still think you did a lovely job. Your characterization and story-telling was great, and left a good feeling of catharsis. You just need to establish a better flow, but that comes only with more practice.
Awesome job, and stick with it!
Author's Response: Rob, thank you so much for that review. It\'s the nicest review I\'ve ever had. I\'ll be sure to take you comments on board and hopfully improve my writing.