Hey! My name's Phia, I'm 15 and Australian, and that's all the data you really need to know. I love writing and love the supportive fandom I've found on this site, but I love reviews the most - so indulge me! Of course praise is awesome, but constructive criticism's best... let rip!
:) Hope you enjoy what I've written.
Someone posted an excerpt from this fic in the "Quotes in Fanfiction" thread on the forums, and it looked so interesting I had to come and see. What can I say? There's no way I'd be able to resist a fic on chess.
I really like the metaphors you've built up here. The pawn, the King, the black and white pieces, crossing the board, the scars on the chessboard. I agree, you obviously have put in a lot of work. Well done.
I like how there's not a word of dialogue, and absolutely no action, but it's still so attention-keeping. The repitition really does work, and the way Ron is concentrating so entirely on the chess game, doggedly going on right until the end is very in character.
The way you've sort of got two stories (Ron's musings on his life and friends, and his personal battles as well as the chess game) going on at once is great.
The only things that confused me were: when and where is it set, and what does this line
"He must do this, so the boy who plays Exploding Snap on the floor will be able to play it a century from now."
mean? Surely Harry's not going to live, let alone keep playing Explodinng Snap, until he's one hundred and around fifteen?
I'm being called to dinner now. Congrats on a great fic!
Fantastic. Great portrayal of her grief.
But I think that one of the verses of My Immortal might have done better, since we don't know of any time that she cared for him like that, and you didn't give us any reason to believe any differently.
Perhaps the first verse
"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"
might have done better, since she seems to be mourning for him pretty heavily, and it seems to basically sum up her present feelings well. In the second verse, the line "your voice has chased away all the sanity in me" fits perfectly, because of how she seems to have let herself go and is haunted by his last words to her, but the rest of the verse didn't because she wasn't aware of her feelings for him when he was still alive.
The weird thing is, I was just reading your HG/DM fic and I was thinking "If she made this ship so good, I wonder how she'd do with Ginny/Draco?" Ask and thou shalt be answered.
Superbly written. Are you a beta?
Author's Response: Yup! I\'m a beta! Thanks for this fantabulous review, it made my day! --Hanni
I like this too! It's actually the first one from Fuddge's POV that I've read. The humour's good, and I like the way he both blames his misfortunes on others and accepts that they were his fault too.
Just a couple of things: continual use of the word "bloody". I don't think it's the type of word Fudge would use. He's more of a jolly English man, if that makes any sense. I know, English people use bloody, but not Fudge. He's the Minister, and since he doesn't ever say it it makes more sense that he wouldn't think it either.
And the use in one of the last paragraphs of "I guess". I don't think he'd say that either. "i suppose", maybe, but not "I guess".
Overall, great characterisation and Briticisms!
Author's Response: since he doesn\'t ever say it it makes more sense that he wouldn\'t think it either
I disagree. I think Fudge refrains from using the word in public, around other people, because he is the Minister. That doesn\'t mean it\'s not a part of his private vocabulary. Fudge is a politician. He knows which words are appropriate and which aren\'t.
I\'ll consider changing that \"I guess\" to \"I suppose\", though. You may be right about that bit.
Thanks for reviewing, I\'m glad you enjoyed the story none the less! :)
Very funny. I loved your characterisation of Molly especially, and the way you incorporated the words she used on the boys in that CoS chapter (the book's in my room and I can't be bothered going and getting it).
Just one thing: the way he constantly called her "Mollywobbles". The first couple of times it was OK, but I think you should've alternated it with "Molly dear" or something, cos in the books we never actually hear him calling her Molywobbles even once. But that doesn't really matter.
Oh yeah, and when he called it "muggle technical speak". It just seemed to stick out for me, I think it may be a tad American. Perhaps "Technical Muggle terms"? But then again, maybe that was just me.
It's a shame it was so short! I was really enjoying it! Ah well, you've written plenty more!
Author's Response: *squeeeee!* Hi, Phia! *waves* Thanks for coming to read my stories!
In retrospect I can see what you mean about the \"Mollywobbles\" bit, and about the \"muggle technical speak\"... I\'ll probably go change it a little later. But as for how we never hear him call her that, that\'s because we never see them alone, and it\'s his nickname for her when they\'re by themselves.
I\'m really glad you liked it! Thanks a whole bunch for reviewing! :)
Yes, I am definitely glad that you weren't able to make a H/R fic. That would have been horrible. But this one was very, not so much fluffy, but warm, and it made me smile. Rather than cry. I liked the softer side of Harry that you showed, and the way Ron was so completely in character. Again, no complaints. Gee, I'm making a day of it, aren't I?
Author's Response: Thanks! Good thing I didn\'t make it slash, then. :P Then again, I dislike H/R for the same reason I dislike H/Hr. It\'s the best friend-thing. They\'re like siblings. It\'s just... no. To me, romance is romance, regardless of gender. Read Thirty-Nine, and you\'ll see what I mean. No sex there, I promise.
I\'m very happy you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for a lovely review, once again!
Yes, 'tis lovely.
I loved your descriptive language! Remus was nicely in character, well, as well as he can be when he's in a slash fic, and I didn't actually mind the slash that much! I was glad you kept it to such a minimum, though.
Looking over it, I realise now that he spent a lot of time talking to himself/the Veil/Sirius (well, duh, that was virtually the whole fic!) but at the time I didn't realise it. Usually when I'm reading something like that, I start yawning, thinking "monologue!" and begging for another character to come in and join the conversation. That I didn't do that here is a mark of how well written it was!
And, I also liked the "communication from beyond the Veil". It was artfully done, and you managed to pull it off without cliches. Unlike me.
Speaking of cliches, I thought the letter could have been substituted by a flash-back, perhaps to their last encounter? Maybe Sirius told Remus he loved him, Remus got uncomfortable because it was the first time he'd referred to it since he got out of Azkaban, and managed to close the conversation without telling Sirius he loved him?
I still think you could have done it without the slash, though. I was thinking that especially at the beginning.
All in all, a very nice fic, sad, contemplative, and left me thinking!
Love Phia the Labrat
Author's Response: Yay! Thanks for being my test subject. The reason for this experiment is to begin to realise my dream of a perfect attitude to sexuality and love. You see, I dream of a genderless society. One where you can dress or act however you want without gender roles standing in the way and, first and foremost, where you can love whomever you want without anyone saying anything. I want people to love people, not their genders. Love is never wrong.
I know this sounds extremely overly idealistic. Anyway, I think that every time I get someone to accept homosexuality as love humanity gets one step closer to that. Silly, huh?
I am thouroughly enjoying this so far...
But one thing- a few of the things the characters say (eg, Dumby "How are you doing?") are decidedly American. In that instance, I cannot imagine Dumbledore saying that- something more like "How have you been?" would have been more British. And McGonagall seems to be having a similar problem with her dialogue. You've got her manner right, but some of the words just jar- "Why don’t you just go see Albus, Selena," technically doesn't make sense, and I feel she would be impeccably correct in her grammar- something like "Perhaps it would be best if you just went and saw Albus, Selena" would be better. The "Go see" ought to be "Go and see" at any rate. But that's just me, I'm sure you know better than I do what you're doing.
I love the correspondence between the Snapes- he is perfectly in character, and I don't know how you think of such funny things for all your characters to say!
On to the next chapter!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, Phia. I definitely see what you\'re saying about the dialogue. On one level, I absolutely love this story because it was the first fic longer that a few thousand words that I ever finished, but on the other hand I really have come to hate it because I feel like I\'ve improved a lot since writing it (I started this two years ago come October :o). But I\'m glad you\'re enjoying despite this, and thanks for reading. :D
I agree with Adrastos, write more on Hermes! Now!
Well well, perhaps I should read some Oscar Wilde too, if he is responsible for such a hilarious story
Author's Response: Aww, thanks! I\'m glad you enjoyed this so thoroughly! And, goodness, yes, if you actually liked this (certainly not my favorite story I\'ve written!), then you\'d love Oscar Wilde!
I never really saw the point of leaving a review that's completely unhelpful, but I'll do it now.
This fic is so lovely. Perhaps he's not perfectly in character, but his words still just about brought tears to my eyes. It's... poignant. Just the right balance of love and tragedy. Well done.
Author's Response: Simple oppinions are good too, not all reviews have to contain concrit. Just so long as they\'re not, you know, \"OMG, i luv this!!!1!!1!eleven\" ;)
Thanks a lot for reviewing. I\'m really glad you enjoyed it!
Oh! I will kill her! How could she have the heart to recommend me this series when YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET?? *headdesk*
I'm sorry. I just cannot stand to wait! If I like a story, I want to read it all at once, and this is so good I don't want to stop reading!
I love your plot, very original and interesting. Your humour is fantastic too! I was laughing out loud a few times.
Your characterisation of Hermione and Ron is great, and you have the best characterisation of Harry that I've ever seen! he's just the most impossible character to characterise. I love the personalities you've built up for Sirius and James, very true to the characteristics we're shown in JKR's works, but also original. Lily is also very likeable.
My only criticism is your characterisation of Dumbledore- he just seems a bit disjointed, not quite enough flowery speech in his dialogue. However, I feel really bad saying that, because in one of my fics my characterisation of him was that bad that I had to scrap him from the story!
All in all, this story has definitely earned a favouriting. Well done!
AND UPDATE SOON!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Sorry it\'s not finsiedh. I\'m wroking on that. And thank you for your concrit. I will keep my Dumbeldore in mind!
Usuall I HATE D/Hr fics, but this one actually seemed more... realistic than most. Tear-jerkingly tragic, of course, but I really liked it. The flashbacks were very nicely done, unlike a lot of flashbacks.
Language was great, too.
What's the Evanescence song? It sounds quite depressing. Most of their songs are like that.
Do you really think Draco will end up in Azkaban? I don't. I reckon he'll come round.
Author's Response: I do too, but you know how it is...for angst\'s sake...LOL. The song is Your Star by Evanescence, and I\'ll have your banner soon! --Hanni
For all the poem format is completely out, I'd have to give this a thumbs out. James's part was good, except the bit about "she hates my guts", which didn't seem to fit with the romantic form of the rest of his "verse". I loved how in the course of the poem, Lily changed her mind, and how she stated things that she knew weren't true (I can't remember what that's called... intentional irony or something?) to give the reader the idea that she's fighting a losing battle with herself. Very much like she'd in love but doesn't know it! You're very good at JP/LE, you know! I'll be looking forward to more!
That is hilarious!
I'm sorry. I can't quite breathe at the moment. My dad thinks I'm crazy, sitting here at the computer laughing my head off. Give me a moment.
OK. That was lovely, a light, amusing fic with some great word usage! Your characterisation was great, especially of Sirius, though I think Wormtail was a tad outspoken. I liked the idea about Remus being almost Sorted into Ravenclaw, that's probably going to crop up in my fic now, but I didn't like the bagging of Claws from Sirius. Where's your Prideranclaw??? XD
Lily was lovelily (word?) characerised too, I liked how she finally couldnt' stand Siruis's continued stupidity. The bouncing of clues and retorts between Padfoot and Prongs was hilarious. And the bit at the end where you cut to Dumbledore and Minerva was perfect too.
Your Briticisms were great. One of the few fics that didn't have the Marauders acting American. Don't get me wrong, acting like Americans is fine, just not in the HP world. But you did brilliantly.
Oh, just one thing- you say James is a Chaser. He was actually a Seeker. But that doesn't matter.
On a similar note, Emmeline was beautiful. Some lovely comedy there. I just got this hilarious picture of Sirius swinging his Beater's Bar around the place, and cradling it moodily whenever his mates told him to stop.
I have used the word "hilarious" way too much in this review. BUT IT WAS!
PS: It's a shame you couldn't've entered this into some competeition. You'd have won.
Author's Response: Thanks so much, what a great review! Some points: #1 I am FULL of Prideranclaw, thanks very much, (;P) but Sirius may not be ... he\'s in Gryffindor, after all. #2 I should hope my briticisms are great! It would be worrying if they weren\'t ... I live in this soggy little country, after all. =D #3 James was not a Seeker, the films made him a Seeker. He was a Chaser. JK said so. He was playing with a Snitch to show off - he couldn\'t exactly carry a Quaffle around, could he? #4 I don\'t know any competitions besides the QSQ (where you have to be nominated) so that would be difficult ... but I\'m flattered you think I would win. Thanks! #5 I <3 Robin Hood!
I'm sorry, I forgot to say: I love the game too! Of course, I'd guessed what the rule was by about the second clue, but that's just because I play it way too much.
Excuse my spammy post. Mods, delete it if you wish.
Author's Response: Oops! Hit the submit button accidentally ... I think it\'s because my fingers are still numb from the cold. *gives cold evils* I love the game! Go game! *high five for mutual game and RH love*
Well there are some pretty awesome reviews there that I can't compete with, but I think that this is pretty much perfect. I can usually find a couple of criticisms, but none here. I've read quite a few "tragic" HP fanfics on this sight, but this well and truly takes the cake. I have a lump in my throat and my eyes feel terribly watery- oops, I'd better go, I need to find a tissue!
Author's Response: Aww, here you go! *hands tissue* I\'m glad you think so highly of my story. <3 And thanks for leaving such a kind review!
Sorry about double-posting, but after thinking long and hard and consulting Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: the mermaid depicted in the Prefect's bathroom was a siren, a beautiful mermaid that dwells in warm waters. The merpeople in Hogwarts's lake are selkies, and are not beautiful. They are two different species. So, your mermaid cannot be the one in the portrait in the Prefect's bathroom, unless it changed species as Mark painted. But that's just canon nitpicking, the story is still superb!
Author's Response: *sigh* Alas, I realised this as I was researching paintings for the story prompt, but I just couldn\'t make it work with selkies. And to think that I had hoped that no one would notice! Harry Potter fans are sharp and obviously know their canon! :D
WOW! Very good- I wasn't suspecting that in the least. I was half expecting him to be Ron, til I realised Ron wasn't that smart, but my ears really pricked up at his seeming fascination with blood. I also loved the language leading up to the almost-kiss.
Problem with the whole unusual pairings thing is that it's so easy to slip into OoCness, which you avoided very neatly with the whole masquerade ball thing. I can't think of many other ways, short of love potion, that you could pull that particular pair off!
Definitely the only Hermione/Snape story I've found that's worth reading- yet I would expect no less of my wonderful Beta!
Author's Response: Aw, you\'re so sweet, thank you so much! I did have entirely too much fun with this story. And you\'re a delight to beta for, hun. Thanks again! :)
The Weasley twins + MNFF: I don't like to think about it!!!
I doubt Ron would have won. Hey, you should set up a poll like that somewhere! Just to see!
A very funny story. All your characterisations were spot-on: except that I doubt Fleur would volunteer so eagerly to help in the kitchen. She's think it was beneath her.
A couple of tense changes, but that's OK. Don't make the story any less funny.
My favourite line was the one about "who's the most attractive?" "We're identical, you prat!" That sounds an awful lot like the bit in DH "Wow, we're identical!"
A very funny fic Joselle, well done. I shall now go and check out your other one.
Author's Response: I completely forgot about this! I am so busy at school! But thank you anyway for the review. I just thought the Fleur in the kitchen thing would irritate Mrs. Weasley Thanks Phia
This. Is. So. Good! Are you really 13-15? (I'm assuming that's what the 3rd-5th year thing means???) I love some of your descriptive words, the spirals of smoke in the potions room, and unusual word usage such as slather. Just the kind of thing you don't hear all that often. You've really explored Malfoy's character and there's some great depth to him. You can almost believe that he's the good guy and Potter's the antagonist. Also, very exact linkage to the real story- the only thing is you made his encounter with Myrtle sound like a one-off, whereas she explains later to Harry that he regularly confided in her. But with the understanding of the story that you've conveyed, I'm sure you already knew that.
And even though your portrayal of Malfoy was perfect down to the words used, I don't think Harry was all that true to the books. This bit-
"No." Potter at Malfoy with a stony look. "Besides everything else that I suspect of you, Malfoy, you know school rules. What do you think Slughorn would say if I told him you'd been drinking something you made in class?"
Was quite unlike the dialogue Harry has in the books. It was too measured and I doubt Harry would be quite so civil, so polite or use such intelligent wording. He's a much more simple, angry and outright character in the sixth book. But he wasn't the main character, Malfoy was, and as I said before, he was perfect, so that's a very minor point!
All in all, a rave review! I am wondering how long it took you to write this and I am hoping that it took awhile, otherwise I might have to lower my opinion of my own writing! Well done! If I acn figure out how, I'm gonna add you to my favourite authors list...
Author's Response: Thank you so much for such an excellent and critical review!! I am so glad that you liked my portrayal of Malfoy because I was incredibly worried about whether he would seem too pathetic. And thank you very much for criticising my writing of Harry - I find him very difficult to write and so avoid including him in my stories; consequently, I am always grateful for critique, and yours was very helpful indeed. I understand he seemed a little OC, and I suppose it was just that I was so focused on Malfoy that I saw Harry through his eyes - if that makes sense! I also needed the encounter to be brief, so everything was a bit rushed. But thank you very much for pointing it out, I\'ll watch out for that next time. The 3rd-5th year rating is more for who the story is aimed at, I am actually a bit older than that. And it did take me a while to write - about two weeks, in fact, so don\'t feel too bad about your own writing! Once again, thank you so much ;o)
This is the fourth time I've tried to write this review... my cpmuter keeps crashing before I can submit it!!
I think this is a very nice little romance fic, but isn't Luna very out of character? She doesn't seem to display any of the weirdness that defines her in the books! I suppose a few years have passed, but when I thnk of Luna I think of a stange, out there, peculiar girl. but it is very difficult to write from her point of view, since it's hard to tell what goes on in her brain!
And didn't she say at some point that she thought Ron was funny but cruel? I wouldn't have picked her as one to fall in love with him!
One more thing: to justify the lyrics (I think) you had Luna saying that she didn't know if he was even alive. Would he be in the hospital wing if he was dead???
As I was reading her little confession, I thought I recognised it! I used to love that song when i was little!
All up, I had (for once) a couple of picky criticisms, but for a light little romance fic it did very nicely!
Author's Response: Ah, don\'t worry, I\'ve had a lot of nutty computers too. ;)
Yes, Luna might be a bit too \"normal\". I\'ve never written her before. However, she\'s had many years to mature and let go of some of her more \"out there\" ways. In addition to that, she has just woken up in the hospital, and is still a bit light-headed. Those are the ways I justified it to myself, at least. :D
I have nothing to defend why Ron would still be in the hospital if he\'s dead. Teehee. But, if you\'re referring to where Luna says, \"Or if you\'re even there,\", she means that in very loose terms. She doesn\'t know if Ron\'s dead, or in a coma, or has just fallen asleep. And since she just woke up herself, she might not be thinking totally logically.
*giggles* I still love that song. Anyway, thanks so much for the nice review, sorry for babbling in my response. :)