A Black Rose and a White Lily
Update on August 9, '12- I have yet to start writing the fifth chapter. So that'll take some time. Okay, so, let's just admit this fic has been abandoned for now.
A Silent Change
Update on August 9 '12 - Chapter 4 was apparently with my betas. Chapters 5 and 6 were all written but I don't have any of these now. So, again, fic has been abandoned for now.
Update on August 9, '12- A sequel to my other James/Lily one shot: Beneath the Shell. A follow up one shot will be coming whenever. Okay, probably never.
I haven't written Harry Potter fanfiction in an age. I highly doubt I'll be writing any more any time soon and continuing these which I wrote forever ago? Don't think that's happening. Enjoy the one shots though. :)
Summary: There were three things Lily Potter and Rose Weasley knew they had in common. They both shared their names with rather popular flowers, they had both inherited the Weasley red hair and freckles gene, and they both had fairly famous fathers.
But there was still one unfortunate similarity that Rose and Lily were ignorant to: they had both grown a strong interest in the enemy. And the fact that both Rose and Lily shared a common ‘enemy’ only increased the undesirability of the circumstance. Oh, and by ‘enemy’ they meant Scorpius Malfoy.
‘I don’t understand you, Malfoy.’
He smirked. ‘You don’t have to.’
Okay, so I figured I’d review the next two chapters too, for my SPEW requirements. Lol.
The opening of this chapter made me laugh. Sirius-ly. Rose barely gave any details of Scorpius... like the physical details, and here Lily is starting the chapter with his hair. :D And, then, of course, later she mentions about him having the girls at his feet. Lily also describes Rose afterwards, which we didn’t know before, as obviously Rose didn’t go on about her figure.
Also, Rose being the one bringing the butterbeer. I like how you didn’t go for the guy acting all gentlemanly and getting the drinks. No. It’s the other way round. The girl’s getting them whilst the guy sits. I am glad you didn’t go with the cliché even though I like those manners in a guy. But once in a while they should be given slack, wouldn’t you say so?
Who cared if Scorpius should be spending the day with Rose? I wasn’t about to complain that he’d decided to spend it with me.
I don’t know if you were aiming for this, but this passage made me think that Lily would be willing to be the ‘second woman’ as long as she was with who she liked, which kind of makes her seem desperate. And the fact that she kissed him despite knowing that he all ready had a girlfriend adds to that.
I am truly in awe of your characterization skills. Lily is so not like Harry when it comes to friends. She’s ignoring them for a guy who doesn’t even know that she likes him that way. She doesn’t tell them that she’ll be back in a few minutes, she just... leaves. But then, they don’t buy a drink for her, so maybe they don’t exactly deserve a completely loyal friend. Other than that, she’s jealous of Rose which is an automatic reaction even though Rose is her cousin. She’s angry and blaming Rose and knows that that’s wrong of her but she can’t help it. She’s just acting human.
Ending is definitely a cliff. *goes to read the next chapter*
Author's Response: I agree that my characterisation of Lily in this makes her seem extremely desperate. I remember thinking this as I wrote it too. If I was to re-write this fic, I don't think I'd write her again as I have. I think I was trying too hard to stay away from cliches instead of thinking about what she might actually be like. Thanks for this review and your close attention to detail. Your comments really help! xox
Summary: James would do anything to get inside Lily’s head. Lily would do anything to get away from James. Lily was brewing a banned potion. James went to find her. Lily made a mistake and the potion exploded. James got his wish, but is it much more than he bargained for?
After a year the Epilouge is now up! Come read for a bit of fun!!
Runner up QSQ - Best Chaptered Canon Romance
Reason for Nomination:
This is the most unique take on how James and Lily really got to know each other. The story is hilarious and keeps you laughing throughout, but it never lets you forget the serious stuff. Plus, she somehow manages to end each chapter with a nice cliffhanger.
Congratulations on getting this validated, Helen! =]
Nice chapter, but then, I've already told you that before. =p
Summary: In the beginning, my childhood, the path was clear. Follow the seven rules, go to school, graduate and get married. It was my duty as well as my destiny.
Yet, starting on my seventeenth birthday, a series of events caused everything I had ever known to change. A single boy broke through into my sheltered existence and made me rethink everything I had ever thought. Suddenly I was faced with a new future, an alternative destiny. One that was entirely unknown.
In the end I had to choose.
Abuse is only verbal and Sexual Situations are mild.
*adds fic to favourites*
Enough said. =D
Summary: Assigned to work on a project together, James Potter and Lily Evans find themselves getting to know one another through a silly game James has devised. A light, fluffy, slightly cliche one-shot. "Don’t look at me like that! I’m going to behave today." *one-shot*
Hey! You've got a new one shot up! Yay! :D
Perfectly written other than one mistake:
What are you other two for today?
It should be 'your' and not 'you'.
Now, on with my comments. =D
“Lily, ma’am, nothing, whoever you are, I have an idea.”
Second, my favorite color is green, because you have green eyes, obviously. And third, I have a dog named Whimsy who I
only get to see during the Summer and Christmas break, but I adore her more than anyone in the world, with the exception of
my mother, myself, and you, naturally.”
Aw... that's so sweet.
“I can make homemade mashed potatoes, you know.”
Really? Am I invited over for dinner? =p
“Really, really,” she affirmed. He rummaged around his bag for a moment and finally presented her with a small black ink
bottle, the seal not yet broken.
“Only for you, pretty girl.”
What a gift. =] Not romantic but really sweet. =]
“Try and deny it, but you and I both know there’s chemistry between them — stop laughing; I’m completely serious!”
Lol. It seems as if he's telling me to stop laughing. Lol.
“I guess we should get started, huh?” and he grabbed a book and put his attention to it.
Now that's a first. It's him who's taking over the project first.
“I want to go first today, if you don’t mind.”
Another first from Lily's part. =D
"... that I really think it’s admirable that you want to fight Voldemort when you get out of Hogwarts..."
Another first. Finally she admires something about him.
“Anytime! Consider it one of my three, in addition to having a desperate dream to ride a dragon and hating apricots.”
“I’ll see what I can do about that dragon.”
“If you can, I’ll love you forever. No . . . wait . . . I already love you. Oh, well, I’ll love you even more.”
He wants to ride a dragon? Now why doesn't that surprise me? =p Love the third line. =D
“Lily, Lily, Lily, do you honestly still think we won’t get married? Sometimes I wonder about you: you’re so silly.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I feel I ought to point out that I myself happen to be a single man in possession of a good fortune. And, understandably, I’m in want of a —”
Wow. Excellent dialogue. =D And hilarious too! =D
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You?” repeated James. Lily nodded confirmation. “And would you say that you’re — how do I ask this — turned on by this song?” He posed a curious face for her.
LOL. He knows the song? =O Wow.
“OH, PRETTY BABY, NOW THAT I FOUND YOU, STAY, AND LET ME LOVE YOU, OH BABY LET ME LOVE YOU — ‘CAUSE I’M SINGING TO YOU AND MADAME PINCE IS GOING TO KILL ME —”
Lol. Love the ending. =p
"...I’ve been saving myself for that special someone. Namely, you. So whenever you’re ready, just say the word, and —”
Lol. =D Sweet. =]
“Fine,” a defiant smirk bloomed on her face. “I’ve never had sex with or fooled around with a boy before, but what you don’t
know is that I have made out with a boy.”
“WHAT? WHO? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?”
LOVE James' reaction. Hahahaha. =D
“I promise not to beat him up — only punch him.”
Uh... that's not doing much? Lol.
“Lily, Lily, Lily,” he shook his head. “You make it too easy for me. I want to have at least three or four children, too! Match. Made. In. Heaven. I’m telling you!”
Lol. Again. =D
“The Beatles are wizards, Lily.”
Uh. Sure. =p Lol. Nice touch though. =]
“That doesn’t count,” he told her sadly. “I already knew that.”
Poor guy. =[
“Hi, James,” she greeted timidly.
Turned to first names. have we?
Wait, no! That was how I’ve spent the last few years feeling.
Aw... poor James. *sigh*
He stood up to leave. She opened her mouth to stop him. She closed it again. He left.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
I miss you, James. I really, really miss you.
So finally she admits. Hmph.
“You snogged Clark Tomlinson?” James exclaimed, standing up in outrage. “He was in the year above us! And he was in Ravenclaw! Ravenclaw! And he was blonde. Blonde, Lily. And he was short and rutty-looking! Didn’t you think so? And Merlin’s
toe, the boy had halitosis, I swear!” he blustered. “Lily, how could you?”
Hehehe... over protective, is he? ;] =D
“First and foremost, we’d like to tell you about Sir Oscar O’Reilly’s greatest accomplishment to date,” James grinned.
This,” James answered, and before anyone had time to react, he grabbed Lily and dragged her to him, pressing his lips to hers.
Finally! =D Greatest accomplishment, indeed. Getting James and Lily together. =D
But he stopped mid-sentence when Lily reached forward and grabbed James’s tie, yanking him down towards her and
slamming her mouth to his.
Finally she understands.
...as the two completely ignored the stuttering of the professor...
Poor Professor. LOL.
When James slipped his tongue into Lily’s mouth, Cassie decided Charms wasn’t nearly as boring as she’d previously believed.
Yeah... snogging sessions in class much better than assignments, yeah? Lol.
Fantastic one shot. I was literally laughing through out. Sirius-ly. The next thing my parents are going to do now is take me to
the doctor for laughing randomly. Lol. But, loved the one shot. It was hilariously awesome. =D James and Lily were IC.
Everything was perfect, including the ending!
Great job, hon! =]
Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's always fun to read what quotes people liked best. And of course, I appreciate you pointing out my typo -- I'll fix that. One thing I really wanted to happen in this one-shot was for Lily to have a slow transition when it came to James: slowly realizing he was a decent person with qualities to admire; slowly realizing she considers him a friend and that she misses him when he's not in her life. But of course, in the end, she still needed a shove in the right direction to finally kiss him. ;) I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again for such a wonderful review!
Summary: Nymphadora Tonks lives under a shadow. Both her cousin and her aunt are in Azkaban believed to be in league with Voldemort. She knows Bellatrix deserves to be there- but Sirius?
Remus Lupin is an outsider. Heâ€™d once had three good friends- now two are dead and the third has been locked up for murder and betrayal.
They had met once before, when she was a child, but as Tonks grows up they find themselves thrown together- far too closely for Remusâ€™ comfort. Heâ€™s always yearned for a normal life but knows that is impossible. Can Tonks convince him that he deserves happiness?
Nominated for a 2009 QSQ award in the Best canon Romance category. Thank you.
So now that I can’t put off reading this anymore, here I am. Heh. And I’m glad that I am reading everything from scratch because I’ve already fallen in love with this fic.
Tonks is so, so endearing. One can’t help but love her, so I can easily see why the Marauders and Lily think her ‘adorable’. She is so spirited and lively. You’ve mentioned somewhere about her being a clumsy person. I’m glad you’ve thrown bits of canon here and there. And about her not being allowed to go in Muggle parts because of her continuously changing hair colour... I’d really never thought of that. So I’m really impressed that you’ve had that tiny detail in mind that it wouldn’t do in taking her among Muggles. Might I also add how pleased I am that Sirius is the one who thought of calling Nymphadora as ‘Tonks’, and that she stuck with it forever and it ends up with them having a special bond. Also, she’s basically the only one who doesn’t trust Peter. Kids are can see through people so well, it’s amazing.
I love Sirius too but you already know that. xD I am so glad that he is there for Meda even though they haven’t interacted for three years. And that he acts like a gentleman and remembers his manners. Also, he doesn’t cringe at the thought of babysitting kids or anything, he’s just inexperienced with them, and clearly wants Tonks’ approval. His chat with her is amusing and sweet. He really hits of well with kids. Quite a charmer with the ladies, no age restrictions. xD
Sirius snorted; he was pleased little girls grew up.
This brought a very genuine smile on my face. :) Also, I can actually see six year old children thinking that way. So thank you for having little children in character. :p
She considered. “S’okay I suppose. Better than Moony - that's just silly!”
Sirius chuckled, “Remus will be so pleased to hear that.”
How ironic is that? xD lol. Of all the nicknames she doesn’t like, it has to be Remus’ the guy she’ll want to marry later.
I need someone I can trust to take care of her.”- Meda to Sirius.
“You can trust me, Meda, always.”- Sirius to Meda.
My darling mother would Crucio me. ”- Meda to Sirius.
“Come on, we need to get back or your mum will Crucio me!”- Sirius to Tonks.
I really loved the first chapter. The Marauders, Lily and Tonks were spot on. Everything happened so naturally, I could actually picture the whole thing in my mind. It was likely that Sirius would compare his childhood with Tonks’. Tonks very easily made friends with her cousin’s pals. Most of the chapter was hilarious. The baby talk, etc. And the ending... it was heart breaking.
A few suggestions/mistakes:
Nymphadora excited was a wonderful sight to see as her hair kept changing like a kaleidoscope.
I had to think for a bit what exactly you meant, and then I was all, okay, so she’s excited. As simple as that. Lol. But I think maybe you should add a ‘being’ in between of ‘Nymphadora’ and ‘excited’ to make it sound better. Just a suggestion. :)
So,” said Sirius as they watched her Floo away, “what do I call you? Nymph?”
Opening inverted commas are missing.
“So what can I be?” she said belligerently.
br>Hm, ‘asked’ instead of ‘said’ would be better.
He looked down at her watching a red wave ripple through her long hair.
A comma between ‘her’ and ‘watching’.
I don’t care what you say you really are adorable.”
Again, comma needed between ‘say’ and ‘you’.
He’d asked Walburger if he could join them but she’d shot him a look of such coldness that he’d known not to press it.
I laughed for a full minute because of the ‘Walburger’. xD It made me think of her as a mixture of ‘Walmart’ and ‘burger’. Lol. It’s ‘Walburga’ by the way. :D
Other than that, this chapter was lovely. *off to read the next one*
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. I'm pleased you enjoyed the first chapter. You know something, those mistakes have been pointed out to me before and I was too bone idle to fix them. I will now - it must be because I'm scared of you - ha ha. Oh, and Tonk's conversation about babies was liften straight from my own daughter's mouth. The 'lergic to eggs' bit is from the other one. See, my children do come in handy. Thanks again. Carole xxx
Summary: Sirius and Regulus steal themselves away and have an excursion towards the suburbs of London. What awaits the brothers?
Ah, Bine! I had such a hard time deciding which fic to review. Really. I'm not joking. But then I picked this because it has the Black brothers. :D Regulus and Sirius are love. Anyway, the review...
This one shot is pure love. Brotherly love. It's just a normal day, okay, so not normal for the Black brothers because they go to Muggle places, but basically, it's just a normal thing one would do when one's getting bored. Go out to try to chase away the boredom. A simple act. But you've made this into a wonderfully written one shot about brotherly feelings.
The Sirius over here seems to be quite different than what we often come across. He seems quite... serious over here. There are no jokes cracking, just normal conversation with a sibling. From the 'not allowed to do magic' part, I'm assuming that he's in Hogwarts, but he has to be below 16, of course. And he also knows quite a bit about Muggle way of travel, so he'd be about fourteen? Anyway, the thing is that he's acting mature, doing things straight. He knows he's outside in a part where no one knows him. He has the sense of responsibility over his brother and is doing things the right way even though Regulus is in doubt. He's looking at the scenery, and not girls. That was another good thing. When telling the cat off [okay, that sounds weird but you get the idea], he feels bad about it. It shows that he's not feeling-less. That he understands animal feelings as well.
Regulus acts like the adorable little brother. He follows Sirius outside the sanctuary of the house to Muggle London without questions. He's intelligent to presume that they need tickets to board on the Tube and questions about it. He's not sure about Sirius' integrity, but doesn't say much. This shows that he's clever, he's curious and voices his opinions lightly, but in the end, he follows what others say. The part where he's all happy running in the field is sweet.
Now the relationship. Regulus trusts Sirius blindly. Sirius likes Regulus well enough that they do things together. He never thought of going outside alone or that his little brother would be a nuisance. They are quite civil to each other when they're talking [I don't mean the formal thing, I mean no bad names or anything], saying 'please' and requesting the other brother, etc. They hold hands when they get out of the Tube. When Regulus finds something he likes, he calls Sirius over and wants to share it with him, namely the 'You are here' sign. And then the proper 'holding hands' thing. 'Actions speak louder than words.' It fits to the core over here. And Sirius mentions about his love for Regulus. Sweet.
The ending, of course, is heart breaking. Sirius knows that Regulus was a Death Eater but he still misses his brother. He reminisces about the old times, what fun they used to have, the love he had for his brother. How happy he had been in his company. How good his life used to be, untouched by the war. And now he's crying over what he's lost.
Lovely one shot, Bine! Really touching. *hugs*
Author's Response: Thanks, Afifa! *hugs back* And you're right; the main point was to show the love Sirius and Regulus shared. Even if their break was deep, I'm sure they still loved each other, deep in their hearts. I know that from my sister and me. We often had (and sometimes still have) huge quarrels which end in beating and shouting and whatnot. But I still loved my sister and will always love her. I believe it was the same with Sirius and Regulus.
About the age, like I said in my response to H.J., I imagine Sirius to be of around eleven years and Regulus a year younger. This way, they're both still untouched from what awaits Sirius once he arrives in Hogwarts (Gryffindor) but old enough to find their way around in the Muggle world. Also, I imagine the atmosphere would have tensed enormously in the Black household after Sirius' Sorting which in the end would change the brothers' behaviour towards each other.
Summary: Would you ever find reason enough to abandon your family, your beliefs, what seems to be the very root of who you are? What would you do if you found that reason? Would you run from it? Would you fight against all odds to hold onto who you thought you were? Or would you fight against all odds for the chance to find out who you could be?
A story about Regulus and Sirius, written for the fourth SPEW Secret Santa exchange.
Hello, SPEW buddy!
I'm here to leave a review. Obviously. =p
Um, I can't help but point out a summary mistake:
A story about Regulus and Sirius, written for the fourth SPEW Secret Santa exchance.
It should be 'exchange'. =]
That's about it. Now on with the review!
I really loved this fic when I first read it on LJ. And did leave a review saying that. I especially like the way you've portrayed Regulus. We don't know much about him, but whatever JKR's let on, you've formed it all up very well to give us a very IC Regulus.
He's got mixed feelings about every thing. He's trying to use his mind and not heart but in the end the latter wins. The same happens after he becomes a Death Eater. He joins Voldemort because he thinks it's his duty to do what his parents believe in. To take it a step further. Later, he finds out about the horcruxes, and what happens? His heart takes over and he realises that what he's doing is wrong. He tries to make amends and ends up sacrificing himself.
Over here too, he's thinking about not talking to Sirius, and staying away from Rachel, but he can't. Again, the heart interferes.
I like the whole brotherly relationship. First Regulus and Sirius used to meet somewhere alone to just talk... or not... to just have a good time together even though Sirius was the black sheep of the family and had been sorted into Gryffindor and not Slytherin unlike Regulus. Sirius is not into the pure-blood stuff and is a rebel. Regulus, on the other hand, tries his best to live up to the expectations of his family. But despite these differences, the bond is still there. Even when Sirius leaves, Regulus tries to persuade himself that since they're no longer family, they shouldn't meet but he can't help but miss his big brother. He wants to listen to his family, and does try his best but he can't overcome his feelings.
Regulus also likes a girl-- Rachel. And she's a Muggle born. Cliche, but it works really well. And I read some where that something becomes cliche because it's repeated again and again, and the reason why it's repeated is because it's true. So this is a good thing. Anyway, coming back to Rachel. Regulus is undoubtedly attracted to her, tries to stay away but can't help especially when the feeling is returned. Again, he's trying to not to something since it won't be allowed but he can't and succumbs to the temptation.
Also, you've mentioned the Quidditch bit some where in the beginning. It's another canon fact which you mention in passing.
Now on with Sirius. He misses Regulus and he shows it. He also agrees that not all Slytherins are 'prejudiced gits'. That's another thing I like. Sirius accepts it and does not act all against them unlike the way other fics show him to be. Also, apparently he has some girl issues too. A girl who turns out to be a Slytherin pure-blood. Lol. I like the talk between him and James too, it sort of adds humour to the fic where Regulus is all depressed over his complicated life. I love how charming Sirius is with Reeve. Obviously, there's something going on from both the sides.
I'd mention more, but since others don't know the ending, I will stop. *zips lips*
One thing though. The ending is lovely. Very realistic. *stops self from writing more*
P.S. PoA is on TV right now. Lol. /random
Author's Response: Ahaha! Another reminder that I need to finish updating this story. Thanks for your response to the part of the fic that's up so far, Afifa. And I will go and fix that summary mistake. -facepalm- Oh, but in your review you said that Rachel was a Muggleborn, but she's actually half-blood. I am so totally aware of how common it is to use a Muggleborn with a hardcore Slytherin character, so I wanted to avoid that; but I also, when taking Regulus' character into account, didn't feel like *my* Regulus would go for a Muggleborn. He can rationalize Rachel being halfblood as okay, but he couldn't ignore it if she was Muggleborn.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love Astoria – he did.
He just wasn’t sure he could love a child.
Draco Malfoy was never one for fathering. Little kids disgusted him; babies horrified him. And yet, Astoria is pregnant. As it comes down to the final hours, he is torn between his love for his wife and his contempt for a small blonde one. Is Draco a man of his head or his heart?
Mere! Fellow MNFF-er, writer, reader, SPEW-er, LJ-er, 'Puff, aaannddd SPEW Buddy! :D Don't kill me for such a bad
starting, I'm just your drunk, slightly sane Buddy. :$ And forgive the wrong spelling, I'm just trying to have a dramatic affect though I think it isn't working much. Oh, well. I'll go on with the review, 'kay? Yes. Great! :D
Well, so I've been reading lots of Hermione/Draco since the last couple of weeks, and I do mean lots. So reading Astoria/Draco was a bit of a strange yet vastly pleasant experience. This is basically the first fic I've come across which shows the pairing in a optimistic light, that it just wasn't an arranged pure-blooded marriage despite the outcome of the war. That Draco is capable of loving and being loved by a normal girl, and they got married and now are having a baby. A typical love marriage. Excellent job in having it all positive. :)
Anyway, that aside, let's carry on with the story. :) In the starting you mention the 'hard plastic chairs' in passing. It's just a random observation made by Draco whilst his mind is busy with more important things like a pregnant wife and babies. But this little thought shows us that Draco's been living a life of luxury, that he's probably never sat on a plastic chair before, more like a proper, regal looking cushioned chairs. A tiny thing but it gives us an insight about his general lifestyle.
Draco loves Astoria. We know that. You've shown that. But you've also slipped in several of Draco's obvious traits we see in the books, which makes him seem so real and completely in character and you've also shown the 'reformations'. Fine, so his heart never was into the Death Eater stuff, but he wasn't a saint either. He's selfish. You tell us that that he still kind of is that by his thought about the 'stupid' baby coming on Christmas Eve so he can't celebrate with his wife. But, Astoria thinks this as a miracle. Draco does not like the idea of a baby, whilst Astoria is delighted. This shows that even though Draco adores Astoria, they clearly have different opinions about some things, that Astoria would like to see a... result about their relationship to prove how real and strong it is but not Draco. Though when we look from his point of view, it makes sense. He didn't like his teenage life. And he doesn't want his son to have a bad life either. Further ahead, you show that he's kind of a coward, which is true. He stays away from the room where his wife's taken to, choosing to stay outside, even though she wants him to be with her. But he's changed, you show that by him being truthful to himself. He's acknowledged it to himself that he might not be able to have fatherly feelings for the unborn child. He's afraid he won't act like a proper father, and that would be unfair with the kid. So basically, he's worried about the child too, in a roundabout manner. He's also being protective about Astoria. He dislikes the kid who's hurting his love, and also the fact that he can't do anything to prevent it. He loves her so, that he's unwilling to share her with anyone, not even a baby. Their baby. Damn, how sweet is that? But again, in the end, he isn't with her when she needs him most. He needs to be prompted on by a Healer. Typical Draco. But he does realise that Astoria needs him, and goes to her. He accepts the wonder that is to be their baby. Their son.
Mere, hon, I loved this one shot. It's very sweet, and very real. I also really like how the baby is yet to be born. That you haven't mentioned his name yet. That in the fic, Scorpius Malfoy is not alive [like, well, not a whole human being... I'm sure you get what I mean]. It's more of Draco getting all prepared. Over all, great job, SPEW Buddy! :D *hugs*
How do you move on when there's nowhere to go? For months, Sheelin's mind has been shrouded in despair, where even the brightest rays of lights cannot find their way in.
Her footsteps and thoughts provided a monotonous pattern of unanswered questions and revolting responses.
Love how the fic is starting with a spell. It immediately catches the reader's interest.
She rubbed her arms absentmindedly, too preoccupied to really be concerned about the sudden cold and springing goose bumps.
It clearly shows that things are very bad that she isn't worried about getting hurt or cold.
Sheelin was mashing her way through thousands of bugs.
I really like how you've made her have a dream about insects. It shows how she finds herself similar to them because of being scared of humans [aka pure-blood maniacs] because they have imprisoned her and can kill her whenever they can. Humans kill bugs because they are scared of them... or because they think of them as gross creatures [the latter applies more over here though]. The same why, the Death Eaters think that Sheelin shouldn't exist.
What could I have done?
The 'crunch' adds a very good effect.
She raised it to her cracked lips, greedily sucking in the liquid.
I don't know why but I like the 'cracked lips' effect... maybe another clue to show how she's not having the time of her life locked up in a cell.
He had a beautiful face, as if carved from fine clay and brought to life like Pandora.
Why do the Blacks have to be so damned hot? And he's got a fantastic voice too, as it says somewhere above. And I'm not complaining, of course. It just makes me wish they existed. ;]
She was in a rather dank and drafty cell. The walls were covered in some kind of putrid moss and there were no windows. Only bars. Sheelin was crushed as she remembered where she was, why she was here.
The walls were a plain shade of beige and there was a single mirror hanging from them with a few dressers and, furthest from the bed, was a door.
Shows how different the two places are. Evil vs. Good.
The cell did not have any light, it was bare, and unclean. There were no windows so she couldn't escape.
The room is a bit bright, has a little bit of furnishing. There's also a bed to sleep on comfortably. And a door through which she can walk out.
Though it seemed like an eternity, the name Albus Dumbledore had always instilled hope in her.
He does bring out that reaction a lot, yeah?
“Alice, perhaps, ah, I may speak to Miss Delegade alone?”
Half way through and we finally get to know her sir name. That doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. I just mean that you've not gone through the introduction of the character like a resume like... Name: this this, age: this this, etc. Appearance has also been described little at a time and not in one bunch.
...Lily and James, whom were also always on missions...
Uh, 'who' instead of 'whom' would sound better I think.
“Sirius Black,” he introduced himself enthusiastically.
“Malfoy,” the smaller Black spoke for the first time. “He was trailing us.”
He seemed to find this amusing and smirked.
I really like how Regulus is supposed to be all quiet and sober but he also has his funny moments.
“Regulus, you better get back soon. We can’t keep having these run-ins in public anymore. It’s not safe.”
And I also really like the fact that Sirius is very caring about his younger brother. It clearly shows how close they are. How much they love each other [in a strictly platonic sense of course]. =D Lol. I couldn't resist quoting that from a drabble by padfootdgirl1981.
A dark chuckle came from the doorway. “Scourgify,” Regulus commanded. The mess was gone. He walked into the room leisurely, his eyes fixed on her.
I notice how he never talks to her in company...
He looked as though he loathed the idea of her knowing.
Love the modesty trait.
“Sheelin, I don’t need an excuse to kiss you.”
This was clearly the best part. I love how they didn't kiss by accident... how they had a mistletoe right above them and still Regulus didn't kiss her by taking it as in excuse. Instead, he put it on fire and then kissed her.
I really, really loved this one shot. Sheelin's characterization is great, and on a random note, how did you come up with her name? It's quite different. =] Regulus' characterization was awesome. *loves Regulus* And I also liked how Regulus is the one who helps Sheelin to escape and how the two end up together.
All in all, excellent story! Just thought I should mention it again in case I haven't made it abundantly clear. =p
Author's Response: Thanks, fif! =) Glad you liked it. This was a great review! =D
Summary: "Thursday is the only day you can ask a girl out with any chance of success." That's been Sirius' philosophy for as long as he can remember. Now, in their 6th year, James is trying to use that knowledge to win the heart of a certain Lily Evans...and the Thursdays are running out.
This is a very cute one shot you’ve got here. James/Lily has been my favourite pairing since forever, but now I’ve read so much of it, that every story seems to me as repeating the same thing, and I’m glad to say that this fic did not have any clichés related to the pairing, about their relationship specifically. So, well done for that!
First, a few nitpicks:
Seeing James, she stopped as he jogged over carrying half-eaten pink muffin.
I think you should add an ‘a’ between ‘carrying’ and ‘half-eaten’.
“Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day,”
End the sentence with a full stop/period, not a comma. :)
“Not a one.”
I’d say that the ‘a’ isn’t needed there.
“I think I heard something happened to his skull when he’s a baby...”
Not ‘he’s’, should be ‘he was’.
Peter, said, watching the house elves.
The comma after ‘Peter’ is not needed. Also, there should be a hyphen between ‘house’ and ‘elves’.
... started making pillows zoom into Sirius’ head.
‘Around’ sounds better than ‘into’, and it makes more sense.
Hm, the technical stuff aside, I’d like to talk about some clichés, which unfortunately, were there even though they weren’t major. Remus was shown studying Arithmancy, once again portrayed as a book worm even though that isn’t the case. He was just serious in his studies but he was a Marauder and had his part of fun.
Sirius kind of struck to me as the famous womaniser. Even if he’s not snogging or anything, he does shift from girl to girl every week, and has mass follow ship of girls.
I liked Lily’s characterization a lot, except that once you slip in her going to the library and make her seem like the studious girl.
Another thing, which isn’t about clichés or anything, it’s just a canon, JKR world thing. House-elves do not appear in front of humans when possible. I mean, they surely do come when they want to, but they do the work when the rest are sleeping. And over here house-elves are cleaning the Valentine’s Day decorations in front of everyone.
Okay, that aside, now we come to the good stuff. :D
The starting conversation between James and Lily made me smile. They’re talking like normal people, and discussing a ‘muffin’ of all things. Lol. Such a random thing, and yet James manages to connect it to love. I really, truly like that the two are friendly towards each other. James asks her out, even sends her a Valentine card despite her already having a boyfriend, and still she smiles and is amused. She doesn’t shout and glare at the first opportunity. Even though she manages to slip in a few so-called insultory comments here and there like ‘annoying boy’ and ‘thick head’, etc. but she does it in a playful manner, we know that she isn’t serious about it. You make her stick to canon because she is calling him names, she isn’t all love-y love-y at first go yet she doesn’t hate him either.
The Marauder’s conversation was rather funny, like always. :D Sirius’ Thursday theory is quite interesting and original and sort of does make sense too. Also, I like how you ended their talk with Sirius mentioning how he usually breaks rules. That’s so Sirius. *hugs Sirius*
Something which I especially liked about your Lily was that she’s trying to improve her flying abilities. She can handle a broomstick but she isn’t very good at it but is trying to improve her skills. I am so pleased that she doesn’t hate Quidditch or the likes because James loves it.
Lily Silencing the poor crow made me laugh out loud for real. She’s clever and funny and not afraid to perform a charm which doesn’t hurt people. She does the same to James, but again, like I said, it’s harmless. She doesn’t threaten him to ‘curse him to oblivion’, etc. so that was a nice change.
The ending, again with the Marauders. I was laughing throughout whilst reading that. For someone’s who’s so smart at studies and pranks, they’re too thick to understand that James can’t talk. Really. *shakes head* Also, I like how James still is optimistic about his chance with Lily and doesn’t moan about how hard it is, etc. that gets old sometimes.
Over all, this was a lovely and quite entertaining one shot. I had a fantastic time reading and reviewing it. Great job!
Summary: Rosalburga Aphrodite Black is no ordinary Hogwarts student. First - she's American. Second - she's only just discovered she's a witch. Third - her mother is a Vampire. Fourth - her father is Sex!God Sirius Black.
Things are about to get very exciting for the new R.A.B.
This is a tale of high dram and passion. This is a tale of extreme cliche's. This is a tale that may never be seen again.
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling or even Stephanie Meyer
CAROLE! :D I think one of the mods read the comment I left on the FB note... ;p Sirius-ly. You have this fic up on MNFF. Awesome. :D
I love it. But then you already know that. And I can't even make the heart sign other wise the rest of the review won't appear. >.> I'm rambling now, aren't I? :$ I look forward to reading the *next chapters*. ;) On TWG. XD
Author's Response: Afifa MY FAN! Hmmm, TWG, possibly. I like Rosalburga now, she's so darn perfect. I can't believe I've had more reviews for this than my new one-shot. (precisely none!). hee hee. thank you
Summary: After having suffered years of torment from working in one of the lowest possible positions in the Ministry of Magic, Hermione’s dreams were finally coming true. She had been assigned to train side-by-side with one of the leading heads in the Ministry. Nothing could have burst her bubble of happiness, well, at least until she discovered the name of her new “boss”.
Wow! So after reading this, I checked your author page and found out that this is the only fic you’ve got up so far. And I’m impressed. For a first fic, this is a very well written, especially when it’s a non-canon pairing. :) There are basically no technical errors, and the characterization was also good. But I’d like to discuss some things I found interesting.
Most of the fics I’ve read have Hermione in the top positions in the Ministry, mainly because she’s been a top student in Hogwarts and also ‘cause she’s Harry Potter’s best friend. But in your fic, she’s working in ‘the lowest position possible’. That is surprising and quite different. Although it is a good change seeing her working under someone for a change, it doesn’t seem right that she’s doing some unimportant work and that also for five years. She’s Hermione and she should work somewhere in the... middle at least. Also, a person gets promoted gradually, yes? One minute she’s working with papers, the next she’s promoted to some high job. I’d suggest you make her have a normal job, nothing too special, but nothing too menial. She can be tired of her work and want something more... challenging so that’s why she’s excited about the promotion.
About Draco, again you have characterized him in a different manner, but it does fit with the books, so, it’s fine. :) Actually, I’m even kind of glad that he isn’t the moaning, depressed type because of his past, but instead is having fun. And that makes me curious. Is this DH complaint? I mean, other than the pairing being AU, of course.
Over all, this was a great start. Now I’m heading off to the next chapter. :)
The starting to this chapter made me go all, ’Wait, what?’ but then I read the next few lines and laughed. :D But later it made me think a bit. Are you hinting at Hermione/Harry over here? I’m not too sure, but it does look like that even though Ginny is mentioned once. But then it could be possible that she’s ‘just a friend’ or something like that.
Harry reassuring Hermione instead of the other way round was also refreshing. In fact, I liked it that he thinks that Draco must have changed, but in the end he goes back to encourage Hermione in case Draco is the same old self.
Draco’s quite civil in his own annoying way, which is quite in character, not the civil part, but the irritating one. Of course, he'll show manners now that he's boss and if only to bug Hermione. But a physical trait which seems quite a cliché that you’ve slipped in: him having a fantastic, muscular body. But the work out part was hilarious. xD Also, the green curtains and carpet seems a very Slytherin related cliché though it's nice that it isn't all silver and green, but golden and green.
I mentioned in the previous review my curiousity about this fic being canon complaint or not. Seeing that Scrimgeour is in this chapter, I'm thinking that this not DH complaint so I'd advice you to put up the DH Disregarded warning. I'm eager to see how you'll show that Voldemort is defeated, how Draco managed to score such an important job that he's being considered as the next Minister and the rest.
This tiny thing:
In the first chapter: The day that Hermione, after having spent five torturous years working in the lowest position possible at the Ministry of Magic [...]
In the second chapter: Throughout her six years of working for the Ministry, she had never once had to face Malfoy and saw now that she hadn’t missed much.
First it says five years, then six. You’d want to edit that accordingly. :)
I really like the fic so far and am hoping for an update. :) Good job!
Summary: Valentine's Day isn't a picnic for everyone; especially if you see your ex-boyfriend kissing your roommate. For Lavender Brown, that was the story of her current life. The night of the final battle, Lavender had seen Ron and Hermione kiss in front of everyone. She tries to escape the memory, but is unsuccessful. Lavender writes Ron a letter to help ease her heart-ache.
Aw, MJ, congratulations on getting this finally up. :D
Lovely story, of course, but then I might have mentioned that before. :p Great job, dear. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much Afifa! I know that this wouldn't have gotten up without you! You're the best! ~MJ =)
Summary: Sirius arrives back in Number 12 Grimmauld Place after the Tri-Wizard Tournament. What memories will being back in his childhood home stir up?
I would be grateful if luinrina
Congratulations with the validation, Fionnuala. :D
Great job! :)