A Black Rose and a White Lily
Update on August 9, '12- I have yet to start writing the fifth chapter. So that'll take some time. Okay, so, let's just admit this fic has been abandoned for now.
A Silent Change
Update on August 9 '12 - Chapter 4 was apparently with my betas. Chapters 5 and 6 were all written but I don't have any of these now. So, again, fic has been abandoned for now.
Update on August 9, '12- A sequel to my other James/Lily one shot: Beneath the Shell. A follow up one shot will be coming whenever. Okay, probably never.
I haven't written Harry Potter fanfiction in an age. I highly doubt I'll be writing any more any time soon and continuing these which I wrote forever ago? Don't think that's happening. Enjoy the one shots though. :)
Aww... man. This was so friggin' sweet. =D
A few nitpicks though:
It was a pity his best friends were the infamous Marauders, the well-known pranksters of Hogarts.
The spelling of 'Hogwarts' is wrong.
She half expected him to smirk and say something witty (or something he considered witty, but he seemed just as astonished as she was.
The bracket is not closed.
Other than that, it was a pretty good chapter. =)
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on getting this validated! =D
Because I’m Sirius Black, a rule breaker, defiant to the end, daring, reckless. You don’t think I can do it?
Oh, I LOVE this part, like I told you before. :p I loved the whole one shot, but this was the best. =)
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
Every student plans on making their final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry the most memorable one ever. Eight in particular want to make those minutes really count. Except, they each have a different idea of how to go about doing it.
James Potter would like to waltz into Lily Evans’s life and throw it completely off course. Julie McGuire didn’t exactly plan on rescuing Remus Lupin, but now that she has, why not just go with it? Marlene McKinnon should have know what she got herself into when she kissed Sirius Black the first time, but that boy has a way of knocking her senseless. Emmeline Vance had planned to just sit back and watch it all happen, until Roxanna Louchester, her ex-friend, barged in and turned everything upside down.
Suddenly they’ve gone from only wanting the most memorable year, to achieving it. It’s a year of love and lust. It’s a year of tears and fights. It’s a year of finding yourself. It’s a year of learning to lose. It’s a year that none of them are likely to forget.
Woah. You've got a Marauder era fic up! Yay! =D
It's different, to say the least. James is not trying to talk to Lily. Lily never screamed when she found out that James was Head Boy. In fact, she was late for the meeting and not him. Oh, and Sirius is not even present. People tend to forget Peter, but Sirius! I'm not saying that it's bad, though. I just mean that it's different, and it's a good thing. =)
I really liked the first chapter, the cliffies and all. =p When will you update next? *hint hint*
Great job, Mere! =D
Congratulations, dear, on getting this accepted! =]
I loved the edited version. =D
Maryam! That was quite a lovely poem, dear. Great job! =]
Author's Response: Hey thanksies, Fiffy :D I'm flattered you thought it was lovely! :D
Also, Congratulations on having your first poem up on the archives! =D
Author's Response: Aw, thanks hun xD Sorry I've responded so late! :o Lurve and huggles! Mocha Kupcake.
Ooohh... the last chapter.
Brother interferes. Sigh. Well, that was kind of expected. Albus bears some character resemblance to Ron. Interfering, prejudiced, and always jumping to conclusions. But, I have to say this for Al, he doesn’t do anything but warn Rose. He lets his parents know. And, done. He only gets all fired up when he sees Scorpius with his younger sister. More than enough for any older brother to get pissed off. So I can’t say that I blame him.
‘Which cousin?’ she asked after a moment. Her question, of course, took me by surprise. Who else could it have been but Lily? I was hardly an invitation for homosexuality. ‘The girl cousin,’ I said simply.
Ahahahaha. xD This made me laugh out loud for real. Especially ‘cause it’s Scorpius Malfoy and not just any other guy. And it also lends a funny side to a serious situation.
The *talk* about Lily kissing Scorpius went on fine. Rose seemed quite understanding, or maybe she masked her anger or insecurity or whatever she was feeling?
Ron... sigh. I do like though that they don’t break up because of the letter, but the conversation which they have later. Ron’s letter is just the means, they could’ve patched up if one of them had been willing to back down, but they didn’t. Me loves some fiery arguments. :D Though I didn’t like the ending, of course. :(
It was nice reading a chapter from Scorpius’ POV. To get into a guy’s head for a change. And it showed a few more things about him which Rose and Lily missed. Or just didn’t mention. Like Albus calling him ‘Malfoy’ but Scorpius is all ‘mate’. He wants to be friends with him. He’s willing to extend the hand first. To let the old animosity die, to start a new beginning even though the others still have doubts. He’s a sweet kid. Okay, a teenager, seeing that he’s seventeen something, but yes. I really do like his character. He feels sorry for Lily. It isn’t that ‘Oh my God, I’m so hot, all girls are after me. Including the Saviour’s only daughter’. He’s not proud about that fact, unlike his father. But he also shows some Draco traits here and there... which aren’t exactly bad. Just serve to show his *bad* side which is the negative side, not evil. He gets angry, and reverts to the surnames. That is so Draco, except that Draco would’ve started name calling them. Also the bloody Gryffindors and nosy Gryffindors. But again, Draco would’ve gone a few steps ahead. Like I said in the first review, Scorpius is proud of his family, well, not of the things they’ve done, but still he isn’t ashamed of them, even though he’s willing to agree that what they did wasn’t right.
The ending was sad. But I liked how you wrapped up with Rose, Scorpius and Lily. It was not just the couple, and Scorpius’ heartbreak. >.> I’m glad though, that you have a follow up one shot, or I’d have hunted you down and made you write one. Lol.
Fantastic three-shot, Cassie!
Wow. You’ve got quite a list of interesting fictions up, but this summary grabbed my attention immediately. The four comparisons between the two cousins including Scorpius. And more so, because it’s a triangle, and I’ve been wanting to read an unrequited love fic since ages. So, of course, I chose this one to review. :D
I really like the starting. It’s Rose totally starting off without an explanation because that’s something she does every day. She explains it soon, of course, but the beginning makes one think why in the world she’s skipping breakfast. Also, you let us know her age in a very subtle manner. It’s not Rose saying ‘Hey, I’m seventeen!’. It’s her mentioning the school year. In fact, you have done this throughout the fic. You have this special knack of slipping in extra information here and there, like how much breakfast she used to eat and so on. It gives details, yet they don’t seem forced.
...staring at Lily with a smirk spread across his ruby lips.
Okay, yes. No error whatsoever in that sentence. All I wanted to mention was the ‘ruby lips’ part. It’s a completely random thing, but it struck me mainly because it’s been quite a time since I’ve read lips described as ruby. They’re usually: ‘pink, red, rosy’ etc. ‘Ruby’ was a fresh change for me.
‘Wow,’ I sighed. ‘That’s really big of you, Scorpius.’
I also like that Rose takes Scorpius’ first name. Not ‘Malfoy’ and all that. [Okay, so later she calls him ‘Malfoy’ once, but most of the time it’s ‘Scorpius’.] Like Lily used to call James ‘Potter’ even though they were in the same house. But these two are actually having a civil conversation. Not friendly, but considering the fact that one’s a Weasley, and Ron’s daughter at that, and the other a Malfoy, I’ll say they’re keeping their manners in mind. Rose slips once, but she does apologise. She’s even telling him her career choice despite the fact that she’s embarrassed by it. Though I have to say, her wanting to become an Auror is kind of... expected. Like the Weasleys and Potters helped fight the war, so their kids will automatically end up as Aurors, or something similar to that.
Scorpius’ choice of profession, I must say, was not what I’d been expecting. And, no, him being a Healer isn’t a bad thing, I just never thought of a Malfoy being a Healer- someone who helps people in a good way. It gives him a good point. Might I add here that I love Scorpius’ characterization so far? He’s friendly, fair-minded, and gallant, is not exactly proud of his family’s history but doesn’t hate them for that, is kind, too. :D I like him. ;D
A friend of mine, Andrea Cole, passed and gave me a quizzical look.
Andrea’s surname made me think of Tiff ‘cause her username is TCole. >.> lol.
I am also glad that you didn’t have Albus as the shy cousin as they show in the epilogue. Writers often forget that children change in weeks. So obviously Albus did change and didn’t remain as a shy, unsure kid forever his life. Seven years is obviously a huge time period to change, and Albus has used the time to turn from a bashful child to a *protective* cousin. He seems quite... cold or maybe over-protectiveness just gets me.
Scorpius asks Rose out! :D :D :D I can’t wait to read the next chapter, though I’m afraid that the review will have to wait. :$
Awesome job, Cassie! :D
Author's Response: Wow, Afifa. First of all, thank you for such a wonderfully long review! I guess I never thought about the ruby lips thing. I think I pictured Rose as someone who is pale with fairly dark lips, and decided to describe them that way. I'm glad you appreciate how Rose called him by his first name, because I think it'd be a bit cliche for her to call him 'Malfoy' simply because that's what her father called his father. I really appreciate your comments on my characterisation, because it does help me for future next-gen writing. I don't think, had I been writing this story now, I would have characterised Albus as angry and protective as I did. It's good to look back at things and see where I've maybe gone wrong. So thank you, dear, for leaving me this really helpful review! ~ Cassie
Okay, so I figured I’d review the next two chapters too, for my SPEW requirements. Lol.
The opening of this chapter made me laugh. Sirius-ly. Rose barely gave any details of Scorpius... like the physical details, and here Lily is starting the chapter with his hair. :D And, then, of course, later she mentions about him having the girls at his feet. Lily also describes Rose afterwards, which we didn’t know before, as obviously Rose didn’t go on about her figure.
Also, Rose being the one bringing the butterbeer. I like how you didn’t go for the guy acting all gentlemanly and getting the drinks. No. It’s the other way round. The girl’s getting them whilst the guy sits. I am glad you didn’t go with the cliché even though I like those manners in a guy. But once in a while they should be given slack, wouldn’t you say so?
Who cared if Scorpius should be spending the day with Rose? I wasn’t about to complain that he’d decided to spend it with me.
I don’t know if you were aiming for this, but this passage made me think that Lily would be willing to be the ‘second woman’ as long as she was with who she liked, which kind of makes her seem desperate. And the fact that she kissed him despite knowing that he all ready had a girlfriend adds to that.
I am truly in awe of your characterization skills. Lily is so not like Harry when it comes to friends. She’s ignoring them for a guy who doesn’t even know that she likes him that way. She doesn’t tell them that she’ll be back in a few minutes, she just... leaves. But then, they don’t buy a drink for her, so maybe they don’t exactly deserve a completely loyal friend. Other than that, she’s jealous of Rose which is an automatic reaction even though Rose is her cousin. She’s angry and blaming Rose and knows that that’s wrong of her but she can’t help it. She’s just acting human.
Ending is definitely a cliff. *goes to read the next chapter*
Author's Response: I agree that my characterisation of Lily in this makes her seem extremely desperate. I remember thinking this as I wrote it too. If I was to re-write this fic, I don't think I'd write her again as I have. I think I was trying too hard to stay away from cliches instead of thinking about what she might actually be like. Thanks for this review and your close attention to detail. Your comments really help! xox
Congratulations on getting this validated, Helen! =]
Nice chapter, but then, I've already told you that before. =p
*adds fic to favourites*
Enough said. =D
Hey! You've got a new one shot up! Yay! :D
Perfectly written other than one mistake:
What are you other two for today?
It should be 'your' and not 'you'.
Now, on with my comments. =D
“Lily, ma’am, nothing, whoever you are, I have an idea.”
Second, my favorite color is green, because you have green eyes, obviously. And third, I have a dog named Whimsy who I
only get to see during the Summer and Christmas break, but I adore her more than anyone in the world, with the exception of
my mother, myself, and you, naturally.”
Aw... that's so sweet.
“I can make homemade mashed potatoes, you know.”
Really? Am I invited over for dinner? =p
“Really, really,” she affirmed. He rummaged around his bag for a moment and finally presented her with a small black ink
bottle, the seal not yet broken.
“Only for you, pretty girl.”
What a gift. =] Not romantic but really sweet. =]
“Try and deny it, but you and I both know there’s chemistry between them — stop laughing; I’m completely serious!”
Lol. It seems as if he's telling me to stop laughing. Lol.
“I guess we should get started, huh?” and he grabbed a book and put his attention to it.
Now that's a first. It's him who's taking over the project first.
“I want to go first today, if you don’t mind.”
Another first from Lily's part. =D
"... that I really think it’s admirable that you want to fight Voldemort when you get out of Hogwarts..."
Another first. Finally she admires something about him.
“Anytime! Consider it one of my three, in addition to having a desperate dream to ride a dragon and hating apricots.”
“I’ll see what I can do about that dragon.”
“If you can, I’ll love you forever. No . . . wait . . . I already love you. Oh, well, I’ll love you even more.”
He wants to ride a dragon? Now why doesn't that surprise me? =p Love the third line. =D
“Lily, Lily, Lily, do you honestly still think we won’t get married? Sometimes I wonder about you: you’re so silly.”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but I feel I ought to point out that I myself happen to be a single man in possession of a good fortune. And, understandably, I’m in want of a —”
Wow. Excellent dialogue. =D And hilarious too! =D
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You?” repeated James. Lily nodded confirmation. “And would you say that you’re — how do I ask this — turned on by this song?” He posed a curious face for her.
LOL. He knows the song? =O Wow.
“OH, PRETTY BABY, NOW THAT I FOUND YOU, STAY, AND LET ME LOVE YOU, OH BABY LET ME LOVE YOU — ‘CAUSE I’M SINGING TO YOU AND MADAME PINCE IS GOING TO KILL ME —”
Lol. Love the ending. =p
"...I’ve been saving myself for that special someone. Namely, you. So whenever you’re ready, just say the word, and —”
Lol. =D Sweet. =]
“Fine,” a defiant smirk bloomed on her face. “I’ve never had sex with or fooled around with a boy before, but what you don’t
know is that I have made out with a boy.”
“WHAT? WHO? WHEN? WHERE? WHY?”
LOVE James' reaction. Hahahaha. =D
“I promise not to beat him up — only punch him.”
Uh... that's not doing much? Lol.
“Lily, Lily, Lily,” he shook his head. “You make it too easy for me. I want to have at least three or four children, too! Match. Made. In. Heaven. I’m telling you!”
Lol. Again. =D
“The Beatles are wizards, Lily.”
Uh. Sure. =p Lol. Nice touch though. =]
“That doesn’t count,” he told her sadly. “I already knew that.”
Poor guy. =[
“Hi, James,” she greeted timidly.
Turned to first names. have we?
Wait, no! That was how I’ve spent the last few years feeling.
Aw... poor James. *sigh*
He stood up to leave. She opened her mouth to stop him. She closed it again. He left.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
I miss you, James. I really, really miss you.
So finally she admits. Hmph.
“You snogged Clark Tomlinson?” James exclaimed, standing up in outrage. “He was in the year above us! And he was in Ravenclaw! Ravenclaw! And he was blonde. Blonde, Lily. And he was short and rutty-looking! Didn’t you think so? And Merlin’s
toe, the boy had halitosis, I swear!” he blustered. “Lily, how could you?”
Hehehe... over protective, is he? ;] =D
“First and foremost, we’d like to tell you about Sir Oscar O’Reilly’s greatest accomplishment to date,” James grinned.
This,” James answered, and before anyone had time to react, he grabbed Lily and dragged her to him, pressing his lips to hers.
Finally! =D Greatest accomplishment, indeed. Getting James and Lily together. =D
But he stopped mid-sentence when Lily reached forward and grabbed James’s tie, yanking him down towards her and
slamming her mouth to his.
Finally she understands.
...as the two completely ignored the stuttering of the professor...
Poor Professor. LOL.
When James slipped his tongue into Lily’s mouth, Cassie decided Charms wasn’t nearly as boring as she’d previously believed.
Yeah... snogging sessions in class much better than assignments, yeah? Lol.
Fantastic one shot. I was literally laughing through out. Sirius-ly. The next thing my parents are going to do now is take me to
the doctor for laughing randomly. Lol. But, loved the one shot. It was hilariously awesome. =D James and Lily were IC.
Everything was perfect, including the ending!
Great job, hon! =]
Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's always fun to read what quotes people liked best. And of course, I appreciate you pointing out my typo -- I'll fix that. One thing I really wanted to happen in this one-shot was for Lily to have a slow transition when it came to James: slowly realizing he was a decent person with qualities to admire; slowly realizing she considers him a friend and that she misses him when he's not in her life. But of course, in the end, she still needed a shove in the right direction to finally kiss him. ;) I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks again for such a wonderful review!
So now that I can’t put off reading this anymore, here I am. Heh. And I’m glad that I am reading everything from scratch because I’ve already fallen in love with this fic.
Tonks is so, so endearing. One can’t help but love her, so I can easily see why the Marauders and Lily think her ‘adorable’. She is so spirited and lively. You’ve mentioned somewhere about her being a clumsy person. I’m glad you’ve thrown bits of canon here and there. And about her not being allowed to go in Muggle parts because of her continuously changing hair colour... I’d really never thought of that. So I’m really impressed that you’ve had that tiny detail in mind that it wouldn’t do in taking her among Muggles. Might I also add how pleased I am that Sirius is the one who thought of calling Nymphadora as ‘Tonks’, and that she stuck with it forever and it ends up with them having a special bond. Also, she’s basically the only one who doesn’t trust Peter. Kids are can see through people so well, it’s amazing.
I love Sirius too but you already know that. xD I am so glad that he is there for Meda even though they haven’t interacted for three years. And that he acts like a gentleman and remembers his manners. Also, he doesn’t cringe at the thought of babysitting kids or anything, he’s just inexperienced with them, and clearly wants Tonks’ approval. His chat with her is amusing and sweet. He really hits of well with kids. Quite a charmer with the ladies, no age restrictions. xD
Sirius snorted; he was pleased little girls grew up.
This brought a very genuine smile on my face. :) Also, I can actually see six year old children thinking that way. So thank you for having little children in character. :p
She considered. “S’okay I suppose. Better than Moony - that's just silly!”
Sirius chuckled, “Remus will be so pleased to hear that.”
How ironic is that? xD lol. Of all the nicknames she doesn’t like, it has to be Remus’ the guy she’ll want to marry later.
I need someone I can trust to take care of her.”- Meda to Sirius.
“You can trust me, Meda, always.”- Sirius to Meda.
My darling mother would Crucio me. ”- Meda to Sirius.
“Come on, we need to get back or your mum will Crucio me!”- Sirius to Tonks.
I really loved the first chapter. The Marauders, Lily and Tonks were spot on. Everything happened so naturally, I could actually picture the whole thing in my mind. It was likely that Sirius would compare his childhood with Tonks’. Tonks very easily made friends with her cousin’s pals. Most of the chapter was hilarious. The baby talk, etc. And the ending... it was heart breaking.
A few suggestions/mistakes:
Nymphadora excited was a wonderful sight to see as her hair kept changing like a kaleidoscope.
I had to think for a bit what exactly you meant, and then I was all, okay, so she’s excited. As simple as that. Lol. But I think maybe you should add a ‘being’ in between of ‘Nymphadora’ and ‘excited’ to make it sound better. Just a suggestion. :)
So,” said Sirius as they watched her Floo away, “what do I call you? Nymph?”
Opening inverted commas are missing.
“So what can I be?” she said belligerently.
br>Hm, ‘asked’ instead of ‘said’ would be better.
He looked down at her watching a red wave ripple through her long hair.
A comma between ‘her’ and ‘watching’.
I don’t care what you say you really are adorable.”
Again, comma needed between ‘say’ and ‘you’.
He’d asked Walburger if he could join them but she’d shot him a look of such coldness that he’d known not to press it.
I laughed for a full minute because of the ‘Walburger’. xD It made me think of her as a mixture of ‘Walmart’ and ‘burger’. Lol. It’s ‘Walburga’ by the way. :D
Other than that, this chapter was lovely. *off to read the next one*
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review. I'm pleased you enjoyed the first chapter. You know something, those mistakes have been pointed out to me before and I was too bone idle to fix them. I will now - it must be because I'm scared of you - ha ha. Oh, and Tonk's conversation about babies was liften straight from my own daughter's mouth. The 'lergic to eggs' bit is from the other one. See, my children do come in handy. Thanks again. Carole xxx
Ah, Bine! I had such a hard time deciding which fic to review. Really. I'm not joking. But then I picked this because it has the Black brothers. :D Regulus and Sirius are love. Anyway, the review...
This one shot is pure love. Brotherly love. It's just a normal day, okay, so not normal for the Black brothers because they go to Muggle places, but basically, it's just a normal thing one would do when one's getting bored. Go out to try to chase away the boredom. A simple act. But you've made this into a wonderfully written one shot about brotherly feelings.
The Sirius over here seems to be quite different than what we often come across. He seems quite... serious over here. There are no jokes cracking, just normal conversation with a sibling. From the 'not allowed to do magic' part, I'm assuming that he's in Hogwarts, but he has to be below 16, of course. And he also knows quite a bit about Muggle way of travel, so he'd be about fourteen? Anyway, the thing is that he's acting mature, doing things straight. He knows he's outside in a part where no one knows him. He has the sense of responsibility over his brother and is doing things the right way even though Regulus is in doubt. He's looking at the scenery, and not girls. That was another good thing. When telling the cat off [okay, that sounds weird but you get the idea], he feels bad about it. It shows that he's not feeling-less. That he understands animal feelings as well.
Regulus acts like the adorable little brother. He follows Sirius outside the sanctuary of the house to Muggle London without questions. He's intelligent to presume that they need tickets to board on the Tube and questions about it. He's not sure about Sirius' integrity, but doesn't say much. This shows that he's clever, he's curious and voices his opinions lightly, but in the end, he follows what others say. The part where he's all happy running in the field is sweet.
Now the relationship. Regulus trusts Sirius blindly. Sirius likes Regulus well enough that they do things together. He never thought of going outside alone or that his little brother would be a nuisance. They are quite civil to each other when they're talking [I don't mean the formal thing, I mean no bad names or anything], saying 'please' and requesting the other brother, etc. They hold hands when they get out of the Tube. When Regulus finds something he likes, he calls Sirius over and wants to share it with him, namely the 'You are here' sign. And then the proper 'holding hands' thing. 'Actions speak louder than words.' It fits to the core over here. And Sirius mentions about his love for Regulus. Sweet.
The ending, of course, is heart breaking. Sirius knows that Regulus was a Death Eater but he still misses his brother. He reminisces about the old times, what fun they used to have, the love he had for his brother. How happy he had been in his company. How good his life used to be, untouched by the war. And now he's crying over what he's lost.
Lovely one shot, Bine! Really touching. *hugs*
Author's Response: Thanks, Afifa! *hugs back* And you're right; the main point was to show the love Sirius and Regulus shared. Even if their break was deep, I'm sure they still loved each other, deep in their hearts. I know that from my sister and me. We often had (and sometimes still have) huge quarrels which end in beating and shouting and whatnot. But I still loved my sister and will always love her. I believe it was the same with Sirius and Regulus.
About the age, like I said in my response to H.J., I imagine Sirius to be of around eleven years and Regulus a year younger. This way, they're both still untouched from what awaits Sirius once he arrives in Hogwarts (Gryffindor) but old enough to find their way around in the Muggle world. Also, I imagine the atmosphere would have tensed enormously in the Black household after Sirius' Sorting which in the end would change the brothers' behaviour towards each other.
Hello, SPEW buddy!
I'm here to leave a review. Obviously. =p
Um, I can't help but point out a summary mistake:
A story about Regulus and Sirius, written for the fourth SPEW Secret Santa exchance.
It should be 'exchange'. =]
That's about it. Now on with the review!
I really loved this fic when I first read it on LJ. And did leave a review saying that. I especially like the way you've portrayed Regulus. We don't know much about him, but whatever JKR's let on, you've formed it all up very well to give us a very IC Regulus.
He's got mixed feelings about every thing. He's trying to use his mind and not heart but in the end the latter wins. The same happens after he becomes a Death Eater. He joins Voldemort because he thinks it's his duty to do what his parents believe in. To take it a step further. Later, he finds out about the horcruxes, and what happens? His heart takes over and he realises that what he's doing is wrong. He tries to make amends and ends up sacrificing himself.
Over here too, he's thinking about not talking to Sirius, and staying away from Rachel, but he can't. Again, the heart interferes.
I like the whole brotherly relationship. First Regulus and Sirius used to meet somewhere alone to just talk... or not... to just have a good time together even though Sirius was the black sheep of the family and had been sorted into Gryffindor and not Slytherin unlike Regulus. Sirius is not into the pure-blood stuff and is a rebel. Regulus, on the other hand, tries his best to live up to the expectations of his family. But despite these differences, the bond is still there. Even when Sirius leaves, Regulus tries to persuade himself that since they're no longer family, they shouldn't meet but he can't help but miss his big brother. He wants to listen to his family, and does try his best but he can't overcome his feelings.
Regulus also likes a girl-- Rachel. And she's a Muggle born. Cliche, but it works really well. And I read some where that something becomes cliche because it's repeated again and again, and the reason why it's repeated is because it's true. So this is a good thing. Anyway, coming back to Rachel. Regulus is undoubtedly attracted to her, tries to stay away but can't help especially when the feeling is returned. Again, he's trying to not to something since it won't be allowed but he can't and succumbs to the temptation.
Also, you've mentioned the Quidditch bit some where in the beginning. It's another canon fact which you mention in passing.
Now on with Sirius. He misses Regulus and he shows it. He also agrees that not all Slytherins are 'prejudiced gits'. That's another thing I like. Sirius accepts it and does not act all against them unlike the way other fics show him to be. Also, apparently he has some girl issues too. A girl who turns out to be a Slytherin pure-blood. Lol. I like the talk between him and James too, it sort of adds humour to the fic where Regulus is all depressed over his complicated life. I love how charming Sirius is with Reeve. Obviously, there's something going on from both the sides.
I'd mention more, but since others don't know the ending, I will stop. *zips lips*
One thing though. The ending is lovely. Very realistic. *stops self from writing more*
P.S. PoA is on TV right now. Lol. /random
Author's Response: Ahaha! Another reminder that I need to finish updating this story. Thanks for your response to the part of the fic that's up so far, Afifa. And I will go and fix that summary mistake. -facepalm- Oh, but in your review you said that Rachel was a Muggleborn, but she's actually half-blood. I am so totally aware of how common it is to use a Muggleborn with a hardcore Slytherin character, so I wanted to avoid that; but I also, when taking Regulus' character into account, didn't feel like *my* Regulus would go for a Muggleborn. He can rationalize Rachel being halfblood as okay, but he couldn't ignore it if she was Muggleborn.
It wasn’t that he didn’t love Astoria – he did.
He just wasn’t sure he could love a child.
Draco Malfoy was never one for fathering. Little kids disgusted him; babies horrified him. And yet, Astoria is pregnant. As it comes down to the final hours, he is torn between his love for his wife and his contempt for a small blonde one. Is Draco a man of his head or his heart?
Mere! Fellow MNFF-er, writer, reader, SPEW-er, LJ-er, 'Puff, aaannddd SPEW Buddy! :D Don't kill me for such a bad
starting, I'm just your drunk, slightly sane Buddy. :$ And forgive the wrong spelling, I'm just trying to have a dramatic affect though I think it isn't working much. Oh, well. I'll go on with the review, 'kay? Yes. Great! :D
Well, so I've been reading lots of Hermione/Draco since the last couple of weeks, and I do mean lots. So reading Astoria/Draco was a bit of a strange yet vastly pleasant experience. This is basically the first fic I've come across which shows the pairing in a optimistic light, that it just wasn't an arranged pure-blooded marriage despite the outcome of the war. That Draco is capable of loving and being loved by a normal girl, and they got married and now are having a baby. A typical love marriage. Excellent job in having it all positive. :)
Anyway, that aside, let's carry on with the story. :) In the starting you mention the 'hard plastic chairs' in passing. It's just a random observation made by Draco whilst his mind is busy with more important things like a pregnant wife and babies. But this little thought shows us that Draco's been living a life of luxury, that he's probably never sat on a plastic chair before, more like a proper, regal looking cushioned chairs. A tiny thing but it gives us an insight about his general lifestyle.
Draco loves Astoria. We know that. You've shown that. But you've also slipped in several of Draco's obvious traits we see in the books, which makes him seem so real and completely in character and you've also shown the 'reformations'. Fine, so his heart never was into the Death Eater stuff, but he wasn't a saint either. He's selfish. You tell us that that he still kind of is that by his thought about the 'stupid' baby coming on Christmas Eve so he can't celebrate with his wife. But, Astoria thinks this as a miracle. Draco does not like the idea of a baby, whilst Astoria is delighted. This shows that even though Draco adores Astoria, they clearly have different opinions about some things, that Astoria would like to see a... result about their relationship to prove how real and strong it is but not Draco. Though when we look from his point of view, it makes sense. He didn't like his teenage life. And he doesn't want his son to have a bad life either. Further ahead, you show that he's kind of a coward, which is true. He stays away from the room where his wife's taken to, choosing to stay outside, even though she wants him to be with her. But he's changed, you show that by him being truthful to himself. He's acknowledged it to himself that he might not be able to have fatherly feelings for the unborn child. He's afraid he won't act like a proper father, and that would be unfair with the kid. So basically, he's worried about the child too, in a roundabout manner. He's also being protective about Astoria. He dislikes the kid who's hurting his love, and also the fact that he can't do anything to prevent it. He loves her so, that he's unwilling to share her with anyone, not even a baby. Their baby. Damn, how sweet is that? But again, in the end, he isn't with her when she needs him most. He needs to be prompted on by a Healer. Typical Draco. But he does realise that Astoria needs him, and goes to her. He accepts the wonder that is to be their baby. Their son.
Mere, hon, I loved this one shot. It's very sweet, and very real. I also really like how the baby is yet to be born. That you haven't mentioned his name yet. That in the fic, Scorpius Malfoy is not alive [like, well, not a whole human being... I'm sure you get what I mean]. It's more of Draco getting all prepared. Over all, great job, SPEW Buddy! :D *hugs*
Love how the fic is starting with a spell. It immediately catches the reader's interest.
She rubbed her arms absentmindedly, too preoccupied to really be concerned about the sudden cold and springing goose bumps.
It clearly shows that things are very bad that she isn't worried about getting hurt or cold.
Sheelin was mashing her way through thousands of bugs.
I really like how you've made her have a dream about insects. It shows how she finds herself similar to them because of being scared of humans [aka pure-blood maniacs] because they have imprisoned her and can kill her whenever they can. Humans kill bugs because they are scared of them... or because they think of them as gross creatures [the latter applies more over here though]. The same why, the Death Eaters think that Sheelin shouldn't exist.
What could I have done?
The 'crunch' adds a very good effect.
She raised it to her cracked lips, greedily sucking in the liquid.
I don't know why but I like the 'cracked lips' effect... maybe another clue to show how she's not having the time of her life locked up in a cell.
He had a beautiful face, as if carved from fine clay and brought to life like Pandora.
Why do the Blacks have to be so damned hot? And he's got a fantastic voice too, as it says somewhere above. And I'm not complaining, of course. It just makes me wish they existed. ;]
She was in a rather dank and drafty cell. The walls were covered in some kind of putrid moss and there were no windows. Only bars. Sheelin was crushed as she remembered where she was, why she was here.
The walls were a plain shade of beige and there was a single mirror hanging from them with a few dressers and, furthest from the bed, was a door.
Shows how different the two places are. Evil vs. Good.
The cell did not have any light, it was bare, and unclean. There were no windows so she couldn't escape.
The room is a bit bright, has a little bit of furnishing. There's also a bed to sleep on comfortably. And a door through which she can walk out.
Though it seemed like an eternity, the name Albus Dumbledore had always instilled hope in her.
He does bring out that reaction a lot, yeah?
“Alice, perhaps, ah, I may speak to Miss Delegade alone?”
Half way through and we finally get to know her sir name. That doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. I just mean that you've not gone through the introduction of the character like a resume like... Name: this this, age: this this, etc. Appearance has also been described little at a time and not in one bunch.
...Lily and James, whom were also always on missions...
Uh, 'who' instead of 'whom' would sound better I think.
“Sirius Black,” he introduced himself enthusiastically.
“Malfoy,” the smaller Black spoke for the first time. “He was trailing us.”
He seemed to find this amusing and smirked.
I really like how Regulus is supposed to be all quiet and sober but he also has his funny moments.
“Regulus, you better get back soon. We can’t keep having these run-ins in public anymore. It’s not safe.”
And I also really like the fact that Sirius is very caring about his younger brother. It clearly shows how close they are. How much they love each other [in a strictly platonic sense of course]. =D Lol. I couldn't resist quoting that from a drabble by padfootdgirl1981.
A dark chuckle came from the doorway. “Scourgify,” Regulus commanded. The mess was gone. He walked into the room leisurely, his eyes fixed on her.
I notice how he never talks to her in company...
He looked as though he loathed the idea of her knowing.
Love the modesty trait.
“Sheelin, I don’t need an excuse to kiss you.”
This was clearly the best part. I love how they didn't kiss by accident... how they had a mistletoe right above them and still Regulus didn't kiss her by taking it as in excuse. Instead, he put it on fire and then kissed her.
I really, really loved this one shot. Sheelin's characterization is great, and on a random note, how did you come up with her name? It's quite different. =] Regulus' characterization was awesome. *loves Regulus* And I also liked how Regulus is the one who helps Sheelin to escape and how the two end up together.
All in all, excellent story! Just thought I should mention it again in case I haven't made it abundantly clear. =p
Author's Response: Thanks, fif! =) Glad you liked it. This was a great review! =D
This is a very cute one shot you’ve got here. James/Lily has been my favourite pairing since forever, but now I’ve read so much of it, that every story seems to me as repeating the same thing, and I’m glad to say that this fic did not have any clichés related to the pairing, about their relationship specifically. So, well done for that!
First, a few nitpicks:
Seeing James, she stopped as he jogged over carrying half-eaten pink muffin.
I think you should add an ‘a’ between ‘carrying’ and ‘half-eaten’.
“Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day,”
End the sentence with a full stop/period, not a comma. :)
“Not a one.”
I’d say that the ‘a’ isn’t needed there.
“I think I heard something happened to his skull when he’s a baby...”
Not ‘he’s’, should be ‘he was’.
Peter, said, watching the house elves.
The comma after ‘Peter’ is not needed. Also, there should be a hyphen between ‘house’ and ‘elves’.
... started making pillows zoom into Sirius’ head.
‘Around’ sounds better than ‘into’, and it makes more sense.
Hm, the technical stuff aside, I’d like to talk about some clichés, which unfortunately, were there even though they weren’t major. Remus was shown studying Arithmancy, once again portrayed as a book worm even though that isn’t the case. He was just serious in his studies but he was a Marauder and had his part of fun.
Sirius kind of struck to me as the famous womaniser. Even if he’s not snogging or anything, he does shift from girl to girl every week, and has mass follow ship of girls.
I liked Lily’s characterization a lot, except that once you slip in her going to the library and make her seem like the studious girl.
Another thing, which isn’t about clichés or anything, it’s just a canon, JKR world thing. House-elves do not appear in front of humans when possible. I mean, they surely do come when they want to, but they do the work when the rest are sleeping. And over here house-elves are cleaning the Valentine’s Day decorations in front of everyone.
Okay, that aside, now we come to the good stuff. :D
The starting conversation between James and Lily made me smile. They’re talking like normal people, and discussing a ‘muffin’ of all things. Lol. Such a random thing, and yet James manages to connect it to love. I really, truly like that the two are friendly towards each other. James asks her out, even sends her a Valentine card despite her already having a boyfriend, and still she smiles and is amused. She doesn’t shout and glare at the first opportunity. Even though she manages to slip in a few so-called insultory comments here and there like ‘annoying boy’ and ‘thick head’, etc. but she does it in a playful manner, we know that she isn’t serious about it. You make her stick to canon because she is calling him names, she isn’t all love-y love-y at first go yet she doesn’t hate him either.
The Marauder’s conversation was rather funny, like always. :D Sirius’ Thursday theory is quite interesting and original and sort of does make sense too. Also, I like how you ended their talk with Sirius mentioning how he usually breaks rules. That’s so Sirius. *hugs Sirius*
Something which I especially liked about your Lily was that she’s trying to improve her flying abilities. She can handle a broomstick but she isn’t very good at it but is trying to improve her skills. I am so pleased that she doesn’t hate Quidditch or the likes because James loves it.
Lily Silencing the poor crow made me laugh out loud for real. She’s clever and funny and not afraid to perform a charm which doesn’t hurt people. She does the same to James, but again, like I said, it’s harmless. She doesn’t threaten him to ‘curse him to oblivion’, etc. so that was a nice change.
The ending, again with the Marauders. I was laughing throughout whilst reading that. For someone’s who’s so smart at studies and pranks, they’re too thick to understand that James can’t talk. Really. *shakes head* Also, I like how James still is optimistic about his chance with Lily and doesn’t moan about how hard it is, etc. that gets old sometimes.
Over all, this was a lovely and quite entertaining one shot. I had a fantastic time reading and reviewing it. Great job!
CAROLE! :D I think one of the mods read the comment I left on the FB note... ;p Sirius-ly. You have this fic up on MNFF. Awesome. :D
I love it. But then you already know that. And I can't even make the heart sign other wise the rest of the review won't appear. >.> I'm rambling now, aren't I? :$ I look forward to reading the *next chapters*. ;) On TWG. XD
Author's Response: Afifa MY FAN! Hmmm, TWG, possibly. I like Rosalburga now, she's so darn perfect. I can't believe I've had more reviews for this than my new one-shot. (precisely none!). hee hee. thank you