Penname: electronicquillster [Contact]
Real name:
Member Since: 03/09/05
Website: http://community.livejournal.com/marwordology
Beta-reader:
Status: Member
Bio:
I was born early on in life. For most of my life I was shorter than I am now, then I gradually grew to my current height.

I live by one motto:

"Revise or Die."

The only stories and series I am currently pursuing at this time are one-shots and the Regulus-centric series that started with 'The Watch Unwinds Until It Stops.' Part of this is because I've lost interest in my former WIPs, but most of it is because I've had computer problems over the past year and do not have access to all of my old work that I've already done and haven't yet posted for stories like the 'Lightning Bond', 'Paint the Silence', and 'A Smile that Explodes.' Those stories are postponed indefinitely.
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Reviews by electronicquillster
 

Summary:
Penname: callmehermione
House:Ravenclaw
Originally for a challenge...

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
-Tennyson
*~*
As her husband battles Voldemort, a concerned mother tells her young son the story of her relationship with his father. She hopes that he'll understand, someday, her story, which she tells him while talking to him for the last time.

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 1656 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/23/06 Updated: 02/23/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 09/25/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Delaney, this is so amazing. I love how names aren't mentioned once. I love how there are no specifics. It gives everything so much more allure and urgency. Lily's emotions and reflections are absolutely riveting. The only snip to critique is that you said, "Suddenly the beauty of that spring say..." when I think you meant 'day'. Good heck, I want more of this James and Lily. This Lily is spot on. I don't want it to be over for them, and it is, and just, -sigh-

How come I never came round to read more of your stuff sooner? I'm in lust with your writing. And I'm fully looking forward to S_F

Author's Response: I\'m sososo glad you appreciated the anonymity, Mar dear! Thank you so, so much. Thanks for catching \'say.\' And.. um.. in lust? SQUEE! S_F shall be heavenly.

 

Truths Unwritten by Astrid Skywalker
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 39]

Summary: From the writer of Clair De Lune... Follow James, Lily, Sirius, Remus, and Peter through their seventh and final year at Hogwarts. Sinister schemes and crazed fiascoes ensue, and of course, who can resist a little romance? Rated 3rd-5th years for language.

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 7934 Chapters: 3 Completed: No
Published:
03/14/06 Updated: 07/12/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 03/17/06 Title: Chapter 1: Snow

You know, as much as I liked the characterization in the middle section, I just thought it seemed like a whole lot of extra. I love deleted scenes, but sometimes they don't always belong in the movie....but I can see how you wouldn't want to take it out.

 
Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 03/15/06 Title: Chapter 1: Snow

Just know that I heart you, and that this is FREAKING AWESOME and that you made a few grammatical erros. "Peter sat across him..." I don't think that Sirius would allow that. And....*does the j/l modding dance* A J/L THAT WON'T SUCK!!!!!!!!

Author's Response: Uhm.... O.O Whoops. Thanks dude. :)

 
Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 07/24/06 Title: Chapter 3: Ye Merrye Marauders

Well, dear WerePrefect, you've got an uncanny ability to write about Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. The crazy kooks - it'd be just like them to have an insane pillow fight.

One thing that I really love about this story is Lily. If writing the right version of Marauders is hard, writing the correct Lily is ten times more difficult. I enjoy the fact that she's best friends with Remus. I love the fact that this story is original, starting at a completely random time during seventh year.

However, I'm going to have to give the crown to the part of the chapter in which Lily becomes the stalker of her best friend. This amused me to no end because, while Lily may like to think that she's not like James....she is.

Your story is engaging and delightful. You are my favorite James/Lily author. And my favorite Hermione/Remus author. And I love your originality. Even if something has been done, you find your own spin, and that is excellent.

 

Summary: Poor Kimberly Cura has been uprooted from her home in the Philippines and moved to Britain for no reason what-so-ever. It isnít long before her parentsí motive becomes clear and Kimberlyís life changes forever. She is introduced to a whole new way of life, new friends, new enemies and new adventures. Join Kim on her voyage of discovery. This is set during the Marauder Era.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 18707 Chapters: 9 Completed: No
Published:
03/15/06 Updated: 07/25/07


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 03/18/06 Title: Chapter 3: The First Encounter

Nat, Nat, Nat....where are the props? I want glory! I really do! And I love this story, incase you didn't already know that. Sirius says to tell 'the psycho' hello, and now James is flipping out. Family parties are such fun...

Author's Response: Family parties over at the Potter's must really rock! Tell Sirius i said hi. *clears throat and tried desperately no to blush*

 

Firecracker by KalHoNaaHo
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 27]

Summary: Amazing how something born from insignificance and a dire need to measure up is the one thing that brings Ginny Weasley back. One-shot.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3149 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/16/06 Updated: 03/16/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 04/23/06 Title: Chapter 1: Firecracker

A hard kick against the ground, and she was gone ó up, up until the leaves tickled her exposed arms. Her robes swirled behind her, flaming red hair whipped against her cheek, and the wind was raising her higher and higher. She was a kite, buoying along in the breeze ó then a bird, gliding, swerving, diving, only to shoot back up, no longer craving the solidity of earth beneath her feet.

What a beautiful opening paragraph! It just makes one itch to read the rest of the story...it promises of delicious descriptions to come.

I loved that you used "churned" instead of turned when Ginny's thoughts sere described. It added so much more!

And then there was her father. She was Daddyís Little Girl, used to the good-night kisses and bear hugs and hair ruffling. Hogwarts took that away from her. She would creep into bed when darkness fell, whispering good-night to him from a far away place, knowing that he would never hear it, and yet hoping, hoping with the kind of hope that only blesses children, that he heard in his heart.

This paragraph was simultaneiously fluffy and cute as well as angsty and heart-wrenching. I felt like I could relate so well...even though I've never been to boarding school. However, I was a daddy's girl right up until my father passed away. I guess that's probably why it struck such a chord with me. I love when something an author writes can leap off the page or screen and touch me.

The interaction was also great. This is why I love Ginny. She is just a great character, and you wrote her so perfectly well!

Author's Response: I didn\'t respond to this??? I swear I did. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me.

Thank you very much for such a heartfelt review! I\'m extremely grateful for all the compliments on the description and the fact that my writing was able to be that three dimensional. I will treasure them forever. :)

And I\'m glad that the time I spent tweaking that paragraph about Ginny and her dad payed off. ;)

 

Spider Web by songbook99
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 55]

Summary: Hermione shows Mr Weasley how to use a Muggle computer. Confusion about spider webs, and what a mouse really is, ensues.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1129 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/21/06 Updated: 03/21/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 05/24/06 Title: Chapter 1: Spider Web

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

This was freaking awesome!

I wanted to write a spewly review, but this is just too great! I just hahahaha... I'm not good for a serious review right now!

ďHey, listen to this. Somebody has written a story about us.Ē

Love it!

Author's Response: Aw, it means so much to me that you liked it. The fact you were laughing so much that you couldn\'t do a SPEWly review really makes me smile! Wouldn\'t it be so weird if you ever saw a story that someone had written about you? I mean, that would just be totally weird but intriguing at the same time. I love your review for the simple fact that it put a huge smile on my face! Thanks for that! :)

 

Ultramarine by Magical Maeve
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 51]

Summary: Peter Pettigrew meddles with things he probably shouldn't, and Severus and Hermione take tea together.

This is a little alternate universe off-shoot of my Daughter of Light series, provoked by a very naughty PM from Jenna this morning. There are scenes of a sexual nature - you have been warned. This will probably be a few chapters in length.

Categories: Hermione/Snape Genre: Warnings: Dubious Consent, Sexual Situations

Word count: 17369 Chapters: 7 Completed: No
Published:
05/12/06 Updated: 07/08/12


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 05/16/06 Title: Chapter 2: And Sympathy

The whole thing is so heartbreaking. You're aching inside, and yet, at the same time, one wishes that Maeve had gone all the way with Remus, even though you want them to remain faithful to their significant others. I'm so torn up over this. An absolutely striking piece of work.

 
Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 05/15/06 Title: Chapter 1: Tea

Aw, dear Jan, I've been meaning to read your work for such a long time. I'm glad I finally got a link thrust at me at just the right time!



While the opening sketch of Peter was interesting, I didn't feel that it held much of a purpose for this. Yet, at the same time, you wove in the few things to open up the context for the rest of this story.



One of the things I liked about this was the absolute in-characterness of Severus. He wasn't overbearing, he was detached and unimpressed by his surroundings. He didnít exude hatred, but simply showed extreme distaste. I loved his thoughts about children, and his admission that he would give Maeve children if thatís what she wanted. His devotion to Maeve was very touching. I guess I should say the devotion up until the betrayal. The moment when he was under enchantment, for I presume thatís what spurred the consummation, was obvious yet veiled. There was a distinct change, and it was so interesting.



I felt that you handled Hermioneís character very well. She was young, inexperienced and naive in everything from approaching him about the potion to the knocking over of the potion. Iím very curious as to just what Pettigrew keeps in that tea.



Probably the best part of the whole thing was the end. Maeveís name is never mentioned, and it doesnít even need to be. The fact that Snape and Hermione never even acknowledge her is very striking for the reader. I donít know just how to word what I just said, but I hope that was somewhat clear. It seems completely fitting that the two people consumed by lust get to be covered in that terrible potion as well. Itís only the beginning of what they should be dealt as punishment. It was a great read and I certainly don't object to more.

 

Marie-Antoinette by Tinn Tam
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 229]

Summary: Runner-up for the QuickSilver Quills Award, categ. Best Alternate Universe

ďNo matter the time or place, people should never call their child Marie-Antoinette. There is no happiness in this world for a girl called Marie-Antoinette.Ē

1983. In a world where Voldemort has won the First War, where hope has fled from an Earth moaning under the Dark Lord's iron hand, marriages are broken and others are arranged in order to preserve the sacred purity of blood. James Potter loses his wife; now they have to find another for him.



Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Substance Abuse, Violence

Word count: 50712 Chapters: 8 Completed: No
Published:
05/13/06 Updated: 07/03/08


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 02/26/07 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter One: Adieux and exile

Your writing is so richly strung together, word by word, and your storytelling is captivating. I think it's hard to write an Alternate Universe story, but I'm loving this. Your ideas are great and keep me curious as to what you've decided will happen next.

I really felt that this chapter was handled so well. There are so many emotional points in here, and you wrote them nicely. She has to say goodbye to her best friend, her new boyfriend, a teacher she trusts, and all of the world that she's known. I love the parallels between this Marie, and the historical Marie. I'm eager to continue with this story.

I must also compliment you on your writing, as I believe (unless I'm remembering wrong) that English isn't your native language. As I said, I'm anxious to read more, and so I shall.

Author's Response: Thanks a lot for the review; I have to plan this story very carefully for it to make sense so your praise means a lot to me.

I am French, so no, English isn\'t my native language. I am greatly helped by my Beta though. Thanks again for the review, and I\'m trying to update right now so you may expect something... in a week or two...

 
Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 03/23/07 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter Five: Two Elves

This is such a great story, and I was so surprised to see you update! Such a fabulous thing to wake up to. A new chapter from a story I new had to be hiatus-ing until you could spare some time.

This chapter showed us so much about Marie. I especially enjoy the last section. Yay for Lali and Marie!

I would like to see more Sirius (and James, except that he's being a git, and....I guess that's understandable) really soon. I'm intrigued just as to how he will fit into Marie's life. Is it bad that I'm definitely rooting for Sirius and Marie to fall in love?

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I somehow found the time to update, although it wasn\'t without a fight ;). I do try to develop Marie-Antoinette\'s character through the chapter, as well as give a glimpse of James\'. As for Lali, she\'s a treat to write.

Sirius will show up again in a couple of chapters; James will be present, of course, but his personality won\'t be very visible so... I should stop talking.

Sirius and Marie-Antoinette? *cackles evilly* That is part of my machinations as an author...

 

Her Life reflected in a Mirror by Purplemage
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: One day in the life of Katherine Waters. After washing her face, she looked at her reflection in the mirror.When she was young, Katherine loved mirrors. She spent hours studying every angle and every pore in her face, but now she hated them. They were a constant reminder that her life was drifting away.

This story was the runner up for challenge #2 conflict of the June/July monthly challenge.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Suicide

Word count: 5419 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/23/06 Updated: 07/25/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 11/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Her Life reflected in a Mirror

The opening of this....it just speaks so highly of her discontent from the get go. Thatís sometimes a refreshing thing to read in fanfiction, instead of sunny days and daisies or OMGVOLDEMORTSCARY! or angst. Itís not....angst here in the opening, just...discontent.

Viktor was a Healer and Katherine worked in administration.
Here you spell his name with a K instead of C.

Oh man. I feel terrible. Iíve now read the whole fic and am at just such a loss as to what I can even say. You took me, as the reader, through such an emotional journey. Iíd have to say that Iím actually somewhat emotionally drained from that. I could feel Katherineís feelings completely all through the story. I donít know what to say, and thatís so not the point of a review. Harald, this may sound just really lame for me to say, but I think that you should seriously consider writing. Youíve shown your fun-creativity in Arielís story, and you show your ability to delve into serious emotional/life battles with this story.

(This is a rather crap SPEW buddy review...I shall have to make up for it, so donít you worry...I will be popping around with little notes around other spots on your author page...)

Author's Response: Hey Mar. I think discontent is the perfect word to describe Katherine\'s situation. She\'s a very unhappy person. I started writing Victor with a K and then I realized that that would be Krum so I changed it to a C , but then I didn\'t change it in all of the places. *shudders* Thank you for the review, Mar. Even if it wasn\'t a typical \"Spew\" review it was very sweet and you said some things that I needed to hear.

 
Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 11/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Her Life reflected in a Mirror

PS after that one technical thing I pointed out...my intention was to write a review while I was reading and give a detailed commentary on everything, but I just couldn't. I got too glued to the story to want to flip over to another window to write the review.

Author's Response: *huggles* don\'t you worry. The fact that you got so into the story made my whole day.

 

Broken Friendships by RedheadedWeasley
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Past Featured StoryThis is a story of what happened at Godric and Salazar's final meeting. The two men exchange more than words. My take on how it all ended for the four founders.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 879 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/23/06 Updated: 07/26/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 09/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Duel

Wow, Amy. This was very powerful, right from the get-go. As a reader, I could feel Godric's angry urgency as he stormed through the castle.

Now, nitpicks first so I can get on to the praise:

He quickly passed the room the required three times... I'm guessing that should be the room HE required.

...that is so unlike you.Ē Salazar taunted. Should be a comma after you, not a period.

And I think there probably should be quotations around Crucio, though it's also emphatic for the scream for them not to be there. /crit

Now, this was very, very short, but I find nothing wrong with that. It's the culmination of a long ordeal, and I think this is pretty spectacular. Godric seemed to go a bit over the top with calling Salazar a coward so many times, but I think it's completely in character for him to do that.

And the end was pretty amazing. That Godric pulled out the Cruciatus Curse was shocking, and his own horror and shame at its ultimate results was so perfect for the end of this story about two friends who fell out. I give this a flipping ten! And I'm going to add it to my favorites.

Author's Response: Mar, I have no idea how to respond to this. Thank you so much for the kind words. I was shocked by Godric as well, but I loved the idea of him coming up with the Cruciatus Curse, because it is so different and unexpected. I went back and read through it and I agree that I probably could have found a better word other than \"coward\" to use. Thanks so much for the review and favorite!!

Author's Response: I went back a reread the first section too and the sentence is correct. It should be \"He quickly passed the room THE required three times...\" because in order to use the room of requirements you have to pass it three separate times. Thanks!

 

The Sun Has Risen by Lycanthropist
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Lily Evans, though popular and kind, has at times felt the need to distance herself from the world, to contemplate on the those she loves and those that annoy. On the train ride home to her last summer before her seventh year, she realizes that there are some people that she'll never quite figure out, but that maybe there's more to them than she had ever truly thought.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1964 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/13/06 Updated: 08/13/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 01/29/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Well, my lovely Kay, Iíve definitely been meaning to read your work for a while. Whenever itís brought up, I only ever hear raves about it. So Iím very glad to be your SPEW buddy this time around. It gave me the perfect push I needed to finally get into your author page. I found such an array of things there and I really meant to read your Remus story...but Iím an absolute sucker for James/Lily.

I know itís a pain to get a correction at the beginning of a review, and itís also a pain to go fix it, but this one had to be mentioned:

She gazed out the window at the blurred images that past... Iím guessing that should be ďpassedĒ as in passing by. I really love the first sentence of this story though. It paints such a real picture. Iíve totally been there (granted I donít have a magical wand, but still) and so I immediately start to identify with Lily and her present situation. I know exactly how Lily must feel - to finally get away from everyone else (whether or not you love or hate them) to simply have quiet time. Uninterrupted ďmeĒ time.

I liked the way you described Lilyís feelings about the Muggle paper that Petunia had used for the letter. And the letter itself felt very appropriate - not over the top OMGIHATEYOULILY, which....can get annoying in James/Lily fics. It had the right amount of zing.

It felt sort of awkward to have the description of so many not-important characters after Lily read the letter. The one that I didnít mind was Craig. His background and position in the fic was simple and it felt more natural than Elisabeth, Wendy, Isabelle and the other people with them.

James was really a treat in this. He was an annoyance to Lily, and then he was an interest, and I felt that as a reader. I even felt that unconscious change that Lily did. And I laughed at the fact that he just sat there while she read. Thatís so Jamesly of James. This was a very nice read. A smashingly well-constructed one-shot, as well, I might add. It doesnít demand any continuation, but if you ever decided to continue it, you could - it fits nicely as a developing romance.

Author's Response: This was really more of a Lily one-shot with implied James/Lily, with her introspections and whatnot. The others that were placed in this were kind of random, I know. Thanks for the review!

 

Fragmentary by Noldo
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 19]

Summary: Past Featured StoryIt's all in the stories, and the way we tell them. (Regulus)

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 850 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/15/06 Updated: 08/15/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 12/31/08 Title: Chapter 1: Fragmentary

This story is so full of ideas and what-ifs and emotions that I almost can’t take all of it in, but I think that’s certainly wherein the worth of it lies. That seems to me to be so much of what Regulus is feeling. It’s a constant conflict between caring and not caring. As I read the story, it was like my emotions were all attached to strings, and they were being pulled and then slackened, and it was all in a very quick way that sort of unsettled me. (But not in a bad way, because it was awesome to feel that, especially in such a short span of words.)

There was something I that you brought particularly to my attention that, sadly, I’d never really thought about before. I guess that, in the back of my mind, I’d thought before about how Regulus would’ve been brought up in Sirius’s shadow, but I always forgot to think about how he’d feel about that. And then he’s got his own chance to shine, pretty much, by being sorted into the ‘right’ house when Sirius isn’t. And in that short section, you show how significant it all is, and how much it changes his world, and how almost chaotic it makes things for him.

I loved the way Regulus regards Sirius as he’s leaving Grimmauld face, noting the harsh sneer, Sirius’s rashness, how it all makes sense, and yet doesn’t. It was really poignant.

The best part of the narrative is, of course, the latter half. No matter how many different ways people write it, I always have to take a step back, as it were, as Regulus, this young man, barely stepping out of adolescence, is taking a huge risk to get to that Horcrux and destroy it. They way you’ve written about it here is so macabre and chilling, and just powerful.

And then, the very last bit shows how lost and yet free he might possibly be. He likes it, but he doesn’t. He has freedom, but it almost means nothing to him because he doesn’t have anything tangible In his life to hold onto. It’s very poignant, and the whole story, really, is just wonderful. You never disappoint, Noldo.

 

Wedding Complications by LadyAlesha
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 8]

Summary: The big day has finally come for Ron and Hermione! What was meant to be a completely normal wedding ceremony is shaken up by surprise visitors, misplaced rings and a whole bunch of wizards trying to look inconspicuous in a Muggle church. Sequel to Valentine's Drama, but can be read as a stand-alone.







Response to Challenge #1 of the August Monthly Challenge by LadyAlesha from Hufflepuff House.

Categories: Ron/Hermione Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 2058 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
Published:
08/19/06 Updated: 08/22/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 09/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: Part 1

I'm afraid that this review really won't be what it should be, but I shall try.

I remember while you were writing this that you really weren't confident about how you were managing Ron, but I think you did a very great job. Percy's part being thrown in here and there among the rest of the story was a very nice way to structure the narrative.

I really liked Mrs. Granger. I liked that she was so uncooperative. It really made things interesting there. I loved Ron's attitude of "why all the drama for a wedding?" Mostly though, I really liked the end between Hermione and Ginny, because marriage is so like that. It's so permanent and a huge leap of faith, and you've got to be devoted, but I've only got the utmost confidence that Ron and Hermione will last forever.

I liked that Ginny didn't have all the answers. I liked that she left Ron alone with Percy.

Author's Response: *hugs* Thanks for the lovely review, Mar. Ron and Percy\'s conversation turned out better than I thought it would and I\'m glad you think I did a good job with Ron. This story has been left unattended to for way to long, I hope to get an update done before the end of the year, hopefully around christmas or so.

 

Black Magick by GryffinWeasley
Rated: Professors [Reviews - 13]

Summary: After a rather wicked game of truth or dare in the hufflepuff common room, Mar has been dared to enter the forbidden forest on All Hallows Eve. What happens to her on the most magick of nights?

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Sexual Situations

Word count: 3306 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/17/06 Updated: 09/17/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 09/18/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Still, after reading this multiple times, I'm slightly incoherent, so I'll try to proceed as best as I can...

The night was dark as velvet as the two bodies stole out of the front doors.

Amazing opening sentence. The only thing is that I think it sort of conflicts with it being the full moon....werewolves only exist then, you know. But velvet sometimes has a sheen to it, right? Okay, disregard comment then. The simple use of "bodies" instead of "figures" sets the tone for the sexuality to come later. Example of an exquisite word choice. Throughout the story there are parts where things are worded perfectly, and then there are sentences that I think could've been spun a little more intricately, but it's really only fine tuning when all is said and done. Like, in the very next sentence: The young woman pulled her cloak around her tighter. It's just slightly awkward, and I would've maybe gone with something like: "The young woman pulled her cloak tightly around her/around her tightly." The use of tighter or tightly is basically insignificant but I just thought I'd mention it.

I find the use of 'pixie' very intriguing. Good, bad? I really don't know, but I'm exceedingly curious to know why that was chosen. Totally intrigued by that selection of endearment in his mind.

Marie looked over at her boyfriend and glared at him...

This paragraph is pretty in character. I was stuck by the last sentence though. Should I be loathing my inability to keep my mouth shut, or to get too carried away? I'm thinking carried away. Caught up in playing truth or dare, you know. The transition here to a flashback is flawless.

"Ok, Mar, its your turn," Ashley said, grinning devilishly. Needs an apostrophe in the contraction.

And you just couldn't leave Rob alone, could you? That's terrible. I actually don't think I would've dared such a thing. But it made for a great plot-driver. :D

Mar was not one to back down from a challenge. Totally. Mavicks don't back out of dares. There's some time inconsistency in those paragraphs right after the truth or dare scene. "The hours after that passed..." The hours after what? It seems like the girls had been trying to talk me out of it for the full two days, and it just....doesn't exactly fit. But this: She had actually been slightly relieved when Regulus had insisted on accompanying her, though she refused to admit it to his face. Yeah, that is SPOT ON PERFECT!

A playful glance, and then Regulus' serious view of what is going on. I think that is amazing for the dynamic of the story right there. Yes, Marie loves this boyfriend, even though she's annoyed, but he doesn't care because he loves her and knows this is very dangerous. And he IS a Black, member of a house with dark history in its blood. I'll definitely be praising your perfect pegging of this aspect multiple times throughout this review.

Regulus stopped and grabbed her hand, forcing her to face him. His gaze penetrated into her eyes, making her understand the seriousness of this old and most magic of nights. "Samhain is the day that does not exist. The barrier between death and life is gone. The unborn and dead can cross between the worlds. It is not safe to be alone on Samhain."

More amazing characterization of Regulus. He speaks with his eyes more than his mouth, or at least with his words. Then weíve got the amazing aspect of using Samhain. Iíd never even heard of Samhain before this, and itís freaking amazing in this fic. Then thereís the next bit where itís just chilling. How did Regulus just seem to disappear? Thatís really just too spooky. People donít disappear, and you canít Apparate at Hogwarts...so is Regulus just amazingly capable of being stealthy (which is not something that would shock me, but definitely calls to his dark side) or was it the magic of Samhain? Iíll try to cease quoting every line of this story, but the line about my twisted boyfriend: awesome.

The thing is that you show delicate sketches of the intricacies of the Rar relationship. Regulus is protective of Marie. She adores his protectiveness even if she likes to be her own person, because itís just amazingly sweet. He smirks at her because she does a lot of silly things, sheís honest with him. She knows that he can melt her resolve to be angry with his smile, and so she obstinately refuses to look at him. And he knows it too, he expects it.

One Marie characterization mistake: Marie wouldnít swear. She would say, ďBlast.Ē She would only ever say that when sheís in trouble/messed something up.

...her breath catching in her throat.

That pretty much sums up my reaction to the whole scene here. There are hardly words to describe how amazing I thought it was. Erm, Iíll just quote a few parts that made me melt, because thatís really all I did during this section. That and forget to breathe.

Regulus crept up behind her, pressing himself closely against her back.
Instinctively her hand came up to grasp the back of his head, her fingers tangling in his raven black hair.
Regulus grunted as he collided with the rough bark.
He gladly accepted, his hands sliding down her sides and tightly gripping her hips as he pulled her closer. She took possession of what was hers and pressed her body hard against his.
...he roughly gripped her lower back and spun her around.


The next paragraph, the one about the cloaks....it feels so incongruous to the intense snog session, but it makes it all the more real. Yes, thereís heat and intensity and passion there, but itís all founded on their love and trust of each other. And you totally know this, but me biting my lip is entirely too in character.

He paid particular attention to the spot where her shoulder and neck met. He pulled away a little and admired his handy work. Mar was now marked as his own, at least for the next week.

Actually, this, aside from being guh-licious, I wanted to make other comments. This is one of my secret loves: kissing on the neck. Trivia about RL!Mar...her first kiss was actually on her neck. Donít ask me why he kissed me there first, but he did, and even when I think about it today... Anyway, moving on. Sentence two there shows his smug arrogance...itís not a glaring feature of his personality, itís more of a cool confidence, but definitely there. And then sentence three...that I was marked, amusing, but Iím also thinking itís a very pureblood notion - to mark someone as yours. Chills, girls, absolute chills. And um, I promise this review wonít be longer than the actual story.

Again, he uses his eyes to communicate. Lovely. I then love the way that Regulus takes over his role as the protector so wonderfully. And is Marie very good the first few seconds after being scared out of her wits? No. Then the tension and action doesnít die down or go very much overboard. Itís well balanced and paced well. I think that in the moments when I get trapped up until Regulus casts the spell, thereís too much to describe, but how do you cut any of it out? You canít, because itís there and happening, but itís also normal for terror-filled moments like that to just slow down, and so itís still wonderful.

The anger coming from his aura was almost tangible, his protectiveness bringing his magical energy to a peak.

The paragraph that begins there is stunning. It captures the power of magic. Self-magic, and then the dark magic that Regulus calls on. My reaction to him using a dark spell is spot on. I know heís Regulus Black, but to Marie, sheís also just her boyfriend. She sees so much of the good in him that itís always a shock when things like this happen.

The spirits being called forth and then chasing the werewolves away and protecting us is very exciting. Then Regulusí gentle care of Marie is so touching. He carefully frees my leg, he sweetly helps me clasp the robes back together, and then....he just understands me. He knows that he knows dark magic, but he is Regulus Black, and he will do whatever he has to do. Whatever he thinks is right, and if that involves using dark magic, then so be it. Wonderful night, indeed.

Now, am I hightly biased? Yes. But at the end of it all, itís just an amazing story. Youíve got a scary mood set throughout, which is hard to pull off. Thereís a seamless flashback scene. Humor that doesnít bash you over the head, just natural stuff. Amazing characterization - very real and tangible - people can connect with Marie and Regulusís relationship on different levels and with who they are as people. Historical stuff....research for Samhain done. Itís so not a clichť. Intricacies of a relationship between a young couple are beautifully sown, and Regulus is a true Black with his very real dark side. The pacing throughout is wonderful, and the only thing that is lacking is an update.

 

Predetermination by Noldo
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Outside, the sky was grey and gloomy and it looked like it was about to rain, but there was no wind and no movement and nothing except for the sound of your own footsteps and your own breathing. December 1979, Sirius moves into a flat.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 800 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/28/06 Updated: 10/28/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 12/31/08 Title: Chapter 1: Predetermination

This fic is so simple yet wonderful in a comfy-yet-uncomfortable way that so perfectly conveys how Sirius feels. I am entranced by your imagery and attention to detail in this story. From the dusty sunlight streaming in through the windows to the single unchipped teacup, I can picture it all so well in my head.

I wish I had been able to find out what Lily’s lecture for Sirius was, but of course it’s irrelevant because James doesn’t really care, and neither does Sirius. So typical of them. So greatly conveyed by you.

My two favorite moments of the story are when Sirius takes that stroll outside and when he wakes up in his flat the next morning. The air was bitter, bitter cold, and you turned up your collar. You hadn't realised that you were laughing, but you were; a lonely sound. That moment of normalcy, turning up his collar, brings the story to life, especially as I read this in the chill of December. And then there’s the brilliant, but slightly mad, Sirius who doesn’t care that he’s alone, because he’s Sirius, and that’s just who he is. He appreciates the people he has, but he’s not dependent on them for survival. (Maybe that’s not what you had intended, but that’s how it felt, and I like seeing Sirius like that. Sure of himself, even though he’s not quite.)

And then there’s the Sirius in the morning sequence, which is just so rich and full of detail that it … I don’t want to say it makes me want to cry, but it struck a huge chord in me. Not because it’s overt and significant, but just because it’s so real, and written so beautifully. Occasionally you'd fall asleep again before the sun had even begun to rise, but most of the time you'd sit very still and listen to what you imagined might be the sound of a city awakening. I just kind of want to marry that sentence for reasons I can’t comprehend. The latter end of that sentence is like an underscore to hope, and it ties into feelings in the fic later when James and Sirius are intoxicated but can forget that it’s winter and wartime.

And, at the danger of possibly writing a review that’s half as long as the fic, I still have to comment on the section about tomorrow. One thing caught particularly in my mind as I read – that Sirius didn’t want to think anything concretely about the future because he didn’t want to have that structure.

Oh, and I also loved that he’d tried to pry the Black Family crest off of his trunk. The end. You’re amazing.

 

Younger Brothers by Vindictus Viridian
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Before Regulus chooses a pair of socks, he asks Kreacher's opinion. Before tackling something larger, he needs to ask a more experienced sneak's advice.



Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1794 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/03/06 Updated: 11/03/06


Reviewer: electronicquillster Signed
Date: 11/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: -----

Well, this was certainly a long time coming, but I enjoyed it all the more for the anticipation. Seeing as this is the first VV fic I've ever read, I'd like to comment on how much I enjoyed your style. I'd wager aguess that Justinian Malfoy already exists in some fanfic universe of yours. But even if he doesn't, I loved the characterization and exposition throughout this story. It was refreshing that the beginningmiddleend didn't feel like beginning. middle. end. The backstory simply flowed in and out as needed, nothing unnecessary was revealed. I enjoyed your take on Regulus: a young lad who really didn't have many cares and somehow ended up with ... dare I call it a conscience? Anyway, he's fabulously played in this story. I certainly would love to see more of this, but it also stands alone and tied up in itself very well. Brava.

I was going to end it with that, but I simply couldn't leave without commenting about the perception of Mrs. Black, the small history played between Regulus and Justinian, and the perfect placement of them both as the younger brothers.

Author's Response: Aw, thanks -- both for the review and the bunny. The bunny grew slowly, but I had a marvelous time with him. It seemed reasonable for Regulus to be a lot like Sirius, and for the similarities to drive them apart as much as the differences. I\'d written Regulus before from the Severus POV, where he was mostly that bratty younger brother of that awful Sirius, so it was fun to explore a different facet of him. Justinian was completely new, but may need to return sometime. He was a whole new sort of Slytherin, and quite intriguing in his own right.

I\'ve spent a surprising amount of my life listening to young men solve the problems of the world. Having these two do it over a glass or several of wine just worked, somehow.

 
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