20. Rower. College Student. Slytherin. Deleted from the forums due to inactivity...
I really like it! It's a great first story, and I can't wait to read more. *Is excited that you're posting the next chapters soon*
I think it's a great idea for Scorpius and Lily to have a relationship with each other. It makes for a really bittersweet plotline, or a really sweet one if you choose to go that way.
I really loved how you put George in the story. The notebook was really cool! It'd be really useful to have one of those in real life...
There were only a couple minor grammar mistakes that I noticed. Other than that, everything was perfect!
Great job, and I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Yay, My first ever Muggle Net Fan Fiction review. Thank you so much Ashley. My favorite charaters are Neville and the twins so I had to put them in somewhere, even if its a small part in the story. I\'ll talk to you later in the chat. Thanks again for the review hun.
This was really good! You did Ginny's perspective really well. It was really realistic how she would doubt herself, but always want the same thing... then get the resolve to fix the problem.
I also liked how you brought out the schoolgirl in Hermione - that's how I always imagine her... Since the beginning, I've thought of her as a little pretentious and obnoxious with how she shows her intelligence.
There were a few spots that you may want to touch up that messed up the flow a little while I was reading...
"It took all of her willpower not to hit Hermione’s self-righteousness face."
That should be self-righteous...
"The red-haired girl put little thought to the meaning of the nod or the words for that matter."
There should be a comma after "words"... (Sorry, I'm really picky!)
"At first, when the pattern had first been established, she had always waited for a grunt or some sort of acknowledgement before entering, but after a sleepless night only solved when she’d decided to barge in unannounced at 2 AM in the morning"
You might want to change this to 2 AM or 2 in the morning... in my opinion, the latter works better...
Anyway, I hope you don't mind me correcting grammar too much... There was just nothing else to help you out with! Good job.
Yay, first review! Which surprises me, because this story was great. I really enjoyed reading it, it hooked me in the beginning and the suspense just built up progressively throughout the story until the end.
The plot was riveting to me, because it started out with a big event. I haven’t read many stories that begin in a murder scene, but you pulled it off really well. The way you gave just enough clues for the reader to speculate without suspecting the actual outcome was perfect. I liked how you progressed smoothly through each event, going from the murder to informing the family to the investigation to the resolution and denouement. The entire plot had a nice flow to it, which is rare to find in many fics, especially one-shots.
It was interesting to see the reactions of everyone when Molly was killed in the midst of that chaos. She was always sort of the common factor in the Weasley family, the one that everyone respected and listened to and the one that held the family together at the seams. I thought you did a good job of showing the family’s different forms of grief when they found out what had happened. When he found out that Molly was gone, I liked that Bill stepped up to find out what happened to her. I think you characterized him well, what with his occasional joking tone and his trust and caring for Percy. I liked his Patronus being a lion, as well. It seemed very fitting for his personality.
One thing that really added to the experience of reading was that you’re extremely good at ‘painting a picture’ of the scene for the reader. Every time a new setting was introduced, you were able to make me see it in my head as I read. That’s actually very rare for me, as I often find myself completely creating settings in my head from what I’m reading.
Also, your ability to create new spells, potions, and methods of magic within your writing was really proficient. When Tonks modified the child’s memory towards the beginning of their investigation, I was really interested in the method she used to do so. It was almost like hypnosis. Also, the potion that Ed was making when they reached the flat that he and Percy shared was very inventive. Sometimes I wish there really was a potion like that… There were a few other times, too, when you made a brand new spell or incantation sound like it was straight from canon. You worked them in very well, and they fit in seamlessly.
I liked the resolution, because I hate Umbridge. I really, truly do. My mouth must’ve fallen open a little bit when I started reading the description of the office. I should’ve known there was something deeply wrong with that woman… How evil of her, to do what she did. You finished her off quite nicely, I think. I’m glad Bill got to avenge his mother’s death, even if it may not have been his intent.
Only one nitpicky thing that I remember noticing: you switched between ‘mum’ and ‘mom’ somewhere in the middle of the story. I mean… I think they should all be mum. But if there is a reason for it, I obviously don’t know what it is. Hehe.
And for a favorite scene… I’d have to say the part where Percy is having a ‘seizure’, which I read when I had no idea what was going on. It was perfectly suspenseful, and exciting, and scary, which I found very fun to read. I especially liked that the questions that arose from that scene weren’t left unanswered in the end.
Overall, I think you did a great job writing this. You’re definitely skilled! And I’m glad I got to be your first review. It was one of the first stories I’ve reviewed that I didn’t feel needed much nitpicking. Sentence structure, grammar, etc. is all great. So… you’ve left me with nothing to say except compliments! Kudos to you!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review Ashley. I'm glad that you enjoyed this story. It came right from a Gauntlet, and some of what they give us to write is hard. I think some of my best stories have come from those, because you have to get creative to work all the prompts in. :) I'll have to look back through and try to make all the moms, mums. That is what I had meant to do, but oh well. :) You really made my day with this review. :) Cyns
Haha, so I don't know if you know that I definitely prefer Draco/Hermione and Ron/Hermione to Harry/Hermione... But this is really good. I'll see where the rest of the story goes, but I may have to consider H/Hr more from now on, though I still think it's impossible with regards to canon. Haha.
"Ever since the war ended she was more protective over the rest of them than ever before; it was becoming practically impossible to do anything that she didn’t want them to do."
This needs a change of wording, because they seem to only do things that she doesn't want to do. It's impossible for them to do something that she wants them to do? Hm. You decide on that part.
But besides any nitpicking that I could go back and do... (which I'm not planning on doing, by the way) I really like where this story is going, and I'll be reading more of it, whenever that's possible.
And may I say that you did a very good job with your characterisations? I'm impressed.
Good job, dear. *hugs*
Author's Response: Thank you so much Ash. Sorry it took so long to reply to your review. They mean a lot to me. All of them. RL is just an impassible force sometimes. Anyway, if you're really wondering where the story will turn next, keep an eye out for chapter two. It's currently in the queue. :) Thanks for reading!