I love how you characterized Ginny here. Way to go, Hermione, for showing Ron who's boss! I thought this was an awesome chapter. I'd like to torture Ron, too...can I help? *pulls out tools* I'm ready whenever you are, dear! Put me in there!!! :)
P.S. This is your complimentary review. Thanks for entering the Gryffindor In-House Challenge! :D
Author's Response: Heya Kumy! *Giggles* Of course you can help torture Ron! Although I think more than a few people have got that covered for the next few chapters... Thanks for reviewing!
Yes!!! Ginny/Draco is my OTP. YAY!!! I found an awesome Draco/Ginny story...
-sigh- Angst is the only way to go with this ship. The emotions you laid down and your word choice were simply exquisite. Great job!
Thanks again for helping me out, and I hope this review makes up for the effort you spent! :)
Your Fellow Gryff,
I love your dialogue. That's the first thing. Second thing is I'm reviewing this because I did want to review at least one OC fic from all my classmates in Transfiguration.
Third thing is I believe Squib should be capitalized. You may want to check the Lexicon about that. ;)
Anyway, your detail is phenomenal - I can practically see each scene unfolding before my eyes. I also really like your characterization of Mother and Father. Though they're minor characters, I'm already deeply connected to them.
One thing I could see getting better is the fact that I didn't really connect to Cassandra herself. Most of the dialogue and presentation goes on between McGonagall and the parents, so I don't get a feel for her character. Since this IS the first chapter, I feel like it's really important that we get to know Cassandra right away. :)
Great job! See you in class!
Author's Response: Glad you liked the dialogue! And your not the only one who caught the Squib thing... my beta had me capitalize it in later chapters, and I guess I never got around to fixing this one. I\'ll get right on that. Thanks for the excellent constructive criticism- see you in class!
Your characterization of Luna is divine. I like how your diction includes filler words like "quite." That seems like Luna to me, for some reason.
I like how you have Luna observing everyone at the Great Hall, and not saying much. Luna is an observer - and has a tendency to say uncomfortable truths every now and then, haha.
Finally, her innocence in regards to Ron and Lavender snogging was endearing.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I don\'t know why \'quite\' is so Luna, but it seems that way to me, as well. I really love Luna- I think I\'m going to try a hand at writing her again, she\'s great fun!
I loved Mrs. Norris' personality!!! :D She's like my old granny cat. I would have liked to see maybe her complaining about the rulebreakers a bit - you know how she's a tattletale for Mr. Filch.
But you pulled this off beautifully - and incorporated humans into the mix! Good job!
Author's Response: Thanks sooo much for the wonderful review, Kumy!
You missed a few commas here and there, but beyond that your mechanics were well-done.
This is a very cliched idea - Voldemort's daughter plotline - but so far, it seems plausible.
I have great trouble with stories like this though, where James and Lily have second children and Harry has a sibling.
So I'll admit I'm not the best person to review this.
Anyway, your plot line is intriguing, and you do a good job of creating suspense and (possibly?) foreshadowing.
You're a bit melodramatic at times, and that could take away from your story.
This is really cute. The perfect story of a doting father - and I love how Luna's delightfully quirky even when she's young.
Author's Response: Thanks, kumy for that sweet little review! And I\'m in love with young! Luna too, man I love her!
Gemma Hawk – Faithful Death Eater
Here’s your complimentary review, dear! Thanks for entering the In-House Challenge. :) I have several points to make with this story.
The stylistic repetition is good. Prisoners in Azkaban must have to repeat things to themselves to keep from losing them. I also like the ideas you choose to repeat – the ideas most central to Bella’s life – the principles (or propaganda, some would consider it) or the Dark Lord.
You mention the bad memories caused by the Death Eaters, but neglect to mention the other side of the issue. Dementors not only bring up bad memories, they take away good ones. I would imagine most of Bella’s good memories are related to the Dark Lord. In my opinion, the reason she maintains such blind faith in Voldemort is because during Azkaban she only retained a few memories of him, ones that a) shows he has great power and b) one she did not find joy in. Maybe the killing of a loved one, her screaming “The Dark Lord will rescue me (not exact quote)” as she’s dragged to Azkaban, or she getting her Dark Mark (only pain then – joy comes later). Anyway, it’d be more realistic if you also mentioned the loss of good memories as opposed to simply the bad ones appearing.
Next, Bella’s bad memory of her parents. First, I applaud you for using their correct names – nice continuation of canon. However, the memory doesn’t seem appropriate. Old pureblood families (in my opinion – this isn’t canon) would look down on separation or divorce. It would make the family name look bad – and it seems to me that the Blacks held their repute in high regard. It would not be unlikely for Cygnus to have a mistress – that was something commonly accepted in medieval times and I tend to think of the old purebloods like people from the Muggle Victorian age – but I think a more appropriate memory would be Bella’s mother confronting her husband, and then saying something along the lines of…
“Fine. We will hold our own dalliances, but we must be discreet.” Mother paused. “This is the end of our marriage, you realize. I will not communicate with a man who is unfaithful to me.”
Her parents’ voices were colder than any tone Bella had ever heard them use. Her mother didn’t notice her hiding in a corner as she walked out. The expression she held was a mixture of pain, fury and tears. From then on, their home had been a place of masks and formality.
Something like that. Anyway, the next point. You used the flower theme – snowdrops in spring and winter aconite similes – in the final few paragraphs. That was nice. It would add a nice touch if you started that theme at the beginning and followed through with it until the very end instead of simply including it at the ending.
Finally, you did a great job with the angst in this story. We could really see how Bella’s faith in the Dark Lord carried her through her time in Azkaban, and how that could lead to the obedient Death Eater she is today. Truly the most loyal Death Eater.
Author's Response: *looks at review* *huggles Kumy* Thanks so much! Yes, the things you\'ve pointed out are quite true. I thought, for her parents, that it would be normal for a woman to become hysterical at the thought that her husband might be seeing another woman. Although, it\'s true that in pureblood families such as the Blacks, it is very possible that they would handle the matter much more calmly. Thanks!
I liked your rhyme scheme. I have to question, though, whether Cedric would allow himself to be intimidated? As shown in GOF, he is a leader...I can't see him stepping aside and allowing this girl to be ostracized.
And I also can't see a Puff being "shady."
Things to think about, but nice poem! I liked it! We don't see a lot from Cedric's POV and I wish we did. :)
***Third Review for DADA Complete Assignments
I love it when part of my review just disappears. >.< Use your modly powers to delete my first, will you, love? Thanks.
OMG, VV! I haven't read this story before, even though I thought I did! This is really, really funny! :) The last line was classic.
I love that the Muggle television inspired his antics. And those poor rabbits multiplying like crazy -- hopefully it wasn't too painful for them!
I really loved Sirius's characterization in this story. He's the perfect mix of bold, reckless and smart that I've always pictured him to be. The monologue about Snivellus at the start was BEAUTIFUL, and in general, you've just got him down pat.
I'm surprised Bella helped him -- she seems the type to laugh evilly and say, "You figure it out," and then sit back and watch him struggle.
You'd think this was where Bella's problems with Muggleborns started, eh? ;)
Author's Response: O yes, I\'m SUCH a Modbeing! *giggle* Surplus review deleted. I\'m glad you enjoyed this. I did too. It all started when your housemate HBP complained of breeding too many bunnies, which spilled out of his wastebins and took over his house. And then there was another one...
Your control over language is beauteous. :) Let's see. I love the way you use imagery, and portray young!Minerva.
I have one nitpick. Your spacing is doubled - probably because you went to edit and resubmit your story at some point.
This makes reading the story very difficult, and I would not have done it had I not wanted to thank you for my May Day! Banner.
I suggest you again edit, and remove all the
tags from your piece, in order to make it more attractive to readers.
Wonderful work! As talented an author as you are a bannermaker. :)
Hmm. I've recently read a few D/A stories, and perhaps that affects my judgment. This story didn't stir me much.
I think it was the fact that I've read this all before. It seems cliche to me. First, the setting was rainy, and that I've seen. Second, the death after proposal is also a classic.
I did like your characterization of Ginny, though. You managed to pull off the mixture between strength and grief perfectly.
In regards to plot, it may have been more poignant if Ron had been the one to share Harry's death with his sister, simply because of the bond they share as siblings.
Author's Response: Dark/Angst? Draco/Ginny? Draco/Angelina? Anyway, thank you! (And no... that isn\'t sarcastic. I love constructive reviews!) Yes, I know that this whole thing is a little cliche, but I really didn\'t care when I was writing it. It was just a random thing that came into my mind. I\'m glad you liked Ginny. I think she\'s my strong point of this fic. And you\'re completely right about Ron. I don\'t have the slightest clue why I used Hermione, looking back on it. Thank you so much for the con-crit!
Author's Response: I don\'t know how Draco/Ginny got in there! I was half asleep when I read that! lol!
Interesting. This is one of the first Draco/Hermione stories where he is her captor that I have found believeable. Very nice start.
I love that Draco is so IC - he's not thinking of Hermione at all when he shows her the kindness of picking her up off the ground.
It's actually realistic to have a victim feel benevolent toward a captor if little kindnesses are shown to them that are available nowhere else. :D Nice job with that.
One thing I think you could fix - while her recent unconscious state makes her thoughts a little more believeable - I think you could make this totally solid as a plotline if you had Hermione wait a few days before thinking nice things about Draco. That way, she's had a few days of nothing but cruelty and Draco's small kindness of picking her up will mean a lot more than when she's just been captured. ;) Which would lead to those nice thoughts, of course, heehee.
Best of luck with the rest of your story!
I loved the touch of green hair - jealousy, envy - that has so many implications. I honestly do not like Remus/Tonks. But the thought process you displayed throughout made the whole story downright wonderful.
Nice work. :) Remus was well-characterized. Tonks was perfectly characterized given events in canon and how she acted in HBP - unfortunately, I don't agree with JKR's interpretation of her, but that's a different story. :)
P.S. Review 3 of 5 for August Review Challenge Prize.
Author's Response: I think that they are an odd matched pair, that\'s for sure!
How interesting! Now, I'm not normally one for slash, but this one didn't have too much sexuality in it, so I read it.
I'm glad I did! I love the way the mirror from the Narcissus and Echo myth was the Mirror of Erised. I always wondered how it would be possible for someone to fall in love with their own reflection and this explains it clearly.
The ending was perfectly tragic. I cried. I think that the wording and the flow of this story really pulled me in and made me feel for the characters.
Beautiful story. Quite tragic, like most Greek work (and in coincidence, their parallels).
I really enjoyed it. Thank you.
Author's Response: I\'m very happy that you enjoyed it! I find it loads of fun to write these parallels to ancient Greek myths, even though it makes me even less creative haha (characters, etc. from Harry Potter and plot from Greece). I\'m touched that you were touched by my fic. Thanks so so much for your review! :-)
Hmm...is this beta'd? There are quite a few small errors. Also, you really like to write songfics, don't you? :p
I thought the "purple megaphone" imagery created humor where it didn't necessarily fit. You may want to read that over and see if it's appropriate; I'm not quite sure.
**Second Review For DADA Complete Assignments
Hmm. I had two problems with this story. First, you had a few grammatical errors (to instead of too, professor instead of Professor etc.) - no big deal.
Second you never mentioned Peter in this whole story! Peter and the other Marauders were best friends at Hogwarts, regardless of what happened after Hogwarts. James trusted him enough to make him Secret Keeper. He should be part of it.
At the very least, explain his absence at the start of the story. Maybe he didn't make it into N.E.W.T. level Transfiguration and so he isn' t in that class?
The funniest line was: "But I would much appreciate it if I could go into the village and purchase more unmentionables, which is a ridiculous thing to call them, as that is all that is being mentioned." That was so Lily.
Totally hilarious, of course. Great work!
I liked how you incorporate emotion into this chapter. I also like dthe bits of Japanese culture thrown into the mix (raw fish, haha, poor Sirius). I like your characterization; you really set the lines of good/bad people in the story right off the bat. The only question I have is maybe you're making the character a little bit flat right now...i mean, characters can't be all evil - even Voldemort has some humanity (the pain caused by his parents' deaths) in him.
However, it's only the first chapter, so I'm sure you've added depth to everyone later on in the story.
The only issue I had was keeping track of some of the Japanese names. That's not your fault...I'm generally bad with names, even English ones. :)
P.S. This is your complimentary review from me. Thanks for entering our In-House challenge!
Author's Response: Well this is the first chapter you can\'t expect all the characters to be perfectly fleshed out. You give me the example of Voldemort, but we didn\'t know why Voldemort was so evil until HBP came out. Before that he was a pretty flat character. Don\'t worry about the names, i had a hard time keeping track of them also. Thanks for the review!
Your characterization of both Molly and Arthur is spectacular. Very in character. You also brought out the common doubts that most parents have. This was a realistic, enjoyable one-shot. *beams* Great job!
Now for the criticism...
They’re probably doing it too.
The phrase "doing it" is a childish term and it's inappropriate for a married woman with seven children to use.
She's also "petulant" when she asks, "What about Ron?" It's more likely she'd be worried. Petulance is another idea associated with small children rather than married adults.
If nothing else, she’ll figure out some sort of a conception blocking charm.
I believe contraception would be better than conception blocking. :)
“They fight like cats and dogs,” she offered. “He is stubborn and pigheaded. She is bossy and headstrong. They both think that they know what is right for the other. Ron complains about Hermione’s bossiness, but he secretly is thrilled that she pays enough attention to boss him around. Hermione chooses to point out Ron’s flaws so that he will have an excuse to talk to her. Ron is quick to act, while Hermione is quick to think. Ron’s strength lies in his ability to plan, but his hot temper can cause him to make hasty decisions. Hermione’s strength lies in her thirst for knowledge, but she goes through life with blinders that block out much that life has to offer her. Ron will open her eyes to the wonders of life, and she will force him to slow down to enjoy them. They really are a perfect match.”
I know what you're trying to do is show a breakdown of the couple, but Molly sounds like a pyschologist here - though she's probably capable of evaluating them cooly, right now she's a worried mother. I don't think she'd be able to think this through.
I suggest having Arthur say this, but then have Molly remember a moment where she saw Ron and Hermione exhibiting some of these qualities. Then, she can reluctantly admit Arthur is right.
Ginny’s been in love with him since she first saw him at Platform 9 ¾.
Though there's no doubt Ginny's loved Harry for a long time, this is cliche. There is no way a 10 year old, after catching a glimpse of a boy on a train, can truly love him. I suggest taking this line out and replacing it with another, more realistic line.
“How can you say those words, Arthur,” Molly roared.
The comma here should be a question mark.
Awesome characterization for the most part. Nice story. Great job!!!
Author's Response: Hey Kumy, Thanks for the spectaular review! I will definitely have to enter more challenges if it continues to get me incredible reviews like this. Thank you again!
That was so…cute! A-dork-able! :)
I would make the first kiss a little awkward (they usually are, anyway…and this is Ron!). They should bump noses or smash teeth or something.
I could absolutely see Hermione doing this for the sake of their friendship. However, I think that she’d Oblivate Ron, but not be able to Obliviate herself. So, she’d retain the memories of their first tryst until HBP. That would be a more chilling ending.
Overall, nice plot (you fit it into canon very well) and oh-so-cute story! Great work!
P.S. This is your complimentary review from me. Thanks for entering the In-House Challenge!
Author's Response: Well, I\'m trying to think of a sequel, where it kinda comes back to them *grins* But, sadly, not going so well *frowns* Thanks!