I loved Luna's father's accent, and how Luna takes care of him. I liked how you interspersed the lines of the invitation with Luna's thoughts.
I did think that Mrs. Weasley would be more likely to tell Ron or Fred or George to go dance with Luna rather than Charlie because of their age difference.
Maybe explain the younger Weasley brothers' absence before throwing in Charlie?
see, this was difficult for me because well, I am solely and utterly devoted to D/G. I thought your writing was good, but I just couldn't love the story you know because it was anti-DG. However some points: First, Draco would probably have a rude comment about Harry. Second, I doubt Harry could be so noble as to utterly forgive the man who has the girl he loves. I mean, yes he's Harry Potter, but he isn't persfect. In general I think I would have liked to see more emotions portrayed. Was Ginny's heart pounding when Draco walked in. HOw did Harry feel when he saw all those presents? You know, stuff like that. Great descriptions, pretty good story. Just more emotion would have been nice...and no anti-DG-ness. But that's totally your perogative as the author. *stifles a sob* Kumy
first, I'm depressed, namely because I submitted a fic to the same challenge, and to be honest, I didn't think it was the best story, though my beta liked it. second, the fiction was fabulous. However I think rather than a Ginny-dominated conversation it would have been more enthralling to have characters change sides. I could see Hermione "seeing the logic" join in on Ginny's side or Harry "remembering Sirius" wanting to live on to share his tale and the tales of many others with the world. Third, I liked the Ginny-Ron interaction, because it was very in canon and realistic sibling talk. sort of loving, sort of teasing. Fourth, I wished I could have read about an angry outburst, although that took nothing away from the story. Both Ginny and Ron have tempers, Harry definitely has anger problems and even Hermione has a temper (think quitting divination and punching draco). So I think it would be realistic with all these complex emotions swirling around, for someone to release through anger. Fifth, loved the Luna description at the fireplace. Very Luna. Overall, you did a good job with canon, there were just a couple of suggestions. Nothing huge or problematic. just personal preferences. please don't think i'm being critical. i have a tendency to turn into a beta while reviewing, but that doesn't mean I didn't like your fiction!!! :) Kumy (MNFF author: kumydabookworm)
Now, I know that you are writing this for a challenge, and therefore a character must receive redemption, but i really liked this story without it, to be honest. for snape to kill draco and give him an escape (maybe someone else could die that was close to draco and draco would be joining them) would be a twisted sort of redemption for Snape himself...breaking the Vow that forced him to kill a man he respected. wow, i really like that! That would be an awesome fiction! :) Not that I can use it considering you already wrote the fiction and I would just edit the ending...darn, that's depressing. But just in case...email me if you could give me permission to write a similar but not exactly the same fiction about Draco. Mine would be a ton longer cuz I like description and long conversations and it would have a totally different ending. Let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks! Good writing, just the characters seemed a bit off. :)
first, i agree, this is one of the best submission so far in my opinion. :) I hope mine can match it!
second, it seems a bit too positive on the peter pettigrew side. I doubt that peter would ever truly remorse, only wait for the tides to turn once again. he is by far the weakest character in the book, even the houseelves and Lucius Malfoy have their pride. Wormtail does not even have that.
Third, your emotions and empathy for the characters is spectacular. Some of the best I have seen. Very true to Remus. Not so true to Peter. But that's just my opinion.
Good writing. A 9 out of 10, I think. :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I must admit, I always had the hope of evoking some sort of pity for Peter, but I couldn't believe how difficult it was to give Remus any reason to forgive him! I was stuck on that for days!
She braved darkness and death to give her son a gift. A gift that only one capable of great love can give.
FINALIST in the 2005 Winter-Snow Holidays Challenge # 5 - The Secret Gift Challenge
All right, I'm officially depressed. You see, I entered a story into this category, and reading yours...well, anyway, it was a interesting piece of writing. First off, because the story was sort-of already written for you as part of Potter-verse, but you managed to spin it into something new, which I liked. I liked the interpretation of Barty Crouch Sr. Some things I noticed: the mother's last line. I don't know, something about it struck me. "Merry Christmas, Barty. Your mother's final gift..." It was melodramatic to a fault (I do that a lot too). Kind of made me laugh, no idea why, but definitely not the reaction you want at that moment in the story. Second, I would think that Barty Jr. would say more: he is being driven mad by the dementors...this is total personal interpretation, but Barty seems the type to be the berserk madman rather than the deathly still one. That's totally your choice however. Last, I like how you pulled off the balance between Barty Sr's practicality and love for wife. However after his wife died, Barty got sentimental in the fiction. While in canon, Barty (after falling from power and wife's death) grew even more anal and work-driven before. The fiction-side and canon-side didn't work together in that part. Whew! Trust me, I really liked this piece, otherwise I wouldn't have written as much as I did. Great writing.
Author's Response: ^_^ Being more of a humour writer I always do like it when I make people laugh … :) … okay maybe it shouldn’t be the case here *grin* I’ll try to fix that. Thanks for the constructive criticism.
On Barty, I guess it’s more on the interpretation. Madness is different for every person in various occasions.
On B. Sr. I’ll try to fix that too ^_^.
Author's Response: Corrected it all ^_^ Thanks again!
I liked the fiction. But I think you were bit too direct. I doubt that James Potter, after bringing himself to apologize to "Snivellus" would also be able to say that he forgve him aloud. It should be understood, but I would have preferred if they didn't say it directly. What else? I liked your portrayal of James, but I doubt Snape would be so openly regretful except about Dumbledore's death and Lily's death. Harry and James were two people he did not like, and I don't think that he would totally be honest with himself about that. I think he would pretend that Harry and James meant nothing, but that would change after James forgave him. Overall really good job! :)
Author's Response: Excellent criticism, seriously I appreciate it. Next time I write something along these lines i'll try to show more subtlety...you know how it is when you get all excited about an idea, sometimes you miss the forest for the trees. ;) Thanks for reading! I appreciate it!
Very funny, but it slightly bothered me things were out of chronological order. I'm sort of OCD as you can see. It was funny, and I liked it so good luck!
Author's Response: I know, it bothered me too that things didn't appear as they happened, but the song might've not made sense if I had made it that way. Anyway, thanks for your review and support!
I do believe that this was the best Puff!romance I've read ever. :) Hee. It wasn't so much the Justin/Susan dynamic - though I really liked the flirting etc - but it was the "Puff"iness of it! Through all the war and deaths, the pair of them stay smiling, hopeful, and remember the good things in life. That is SO like Hufflepuffs that I just can't even describe. It's beautiful - the optimism, and I swear it must be a driving force forward through the hard times in the war. They show an inner strength in this romance that makes me *squee*. :)
Alright, as far as the "I do believe" - I think it was a LITTLE overdone. Cute, but done a bit too much. I did like the brief mention of the war in the "too late" section of dialogue, because it grounds the romance again in the real world after the out-of-the-world kiss.
Justin was SO SUAVE during the last I do believe. He made me giggle-squee all at once. Heehee.
Final thing: Justin in canon is a bit irritating in a holier-than-thou or well-doer sort of way. We see very little of that. I wish we would see him doing the "right thing" and avoiding kissing Susan once or twice - just enough to get the reader annoyed with him like they get in canon - and THEN show the kiss. :)
Great job! I really enjoyed it!
Author's Response: Totally see what you\'re saying. It was one of those winter competition challenges, and I had no idea what I wanted to do and randomly came up with this...and then my fluffy side took over--the one that used to make me read fluffy Ron/Hermione fics by the dozens. I think it\'s been more than a year and a half since I wrote this one...wow. I\'ve also learned a lot since then. I have thought in the past about writing another one of these romances, but never got around to it. If I do one day, I\'ll be sure to take your suggestions to heart! Thanks for reviewing--Christine
I like it. Different portrayal of younger Harry. I was thinking that both the characters had to be Potter-verse for this challenge, but this works. A few points: vary your diction (word choice) and sentence structure, add a bit of description of the surroundings: what does the kitchen look like to Harry or the house as he walks up. I would also have liked to hear a bit of what Harry was thinking as he walked up to her house, met her etc. The point of view of the story however, is totally up to the author. Very good writing! Good luck!
Author's Response: I felt I should just let you know I was a bit unsatisifed with the lack of surrounding mentions in my own fic, however I found out about this challenge very late and I was trying to get it down by the deadline, which I barely did. Thank you for mentioning sentence structure, that is usually my one major weakness that I sometimes need to work on. Thank you for reviewing.
Wow. I wouldn't have made the forgiveness so obvious...like Andromeda could have wrapped her arms around Narcissa, but the whole saying "I forgive you." kind of ruined the dark tormented mood. I love how you portrayed the emotions and the interaction between the two sisters. the only major issue I had was that you made Andromeda seem perfect like the ideal woman. I don't think that's very realistic. Awesome portrayal of Narcissa, but since this story is told by Andromeda, I would have liked a bit more background and at least the suggestion of a few flaws. No one is perfect, after all. Great writing!!!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing. I appreciate your comments and I\'m glad you enjoyed the story.
Wow. I've read so many other Mary Sue fics, Anna, but I've never laughed quite so hard in any of them.
I really feel that your inclusion of other extraneous characters i.e the SHIPPERS or ALL or RON and HERMIONE helped the humor to become unique and genuinely funny.
I also really loved the format - it reads like a script. Finally, the title was what pulled me in. It's EXACTLY what I think when I read most Humor HP fics.
Not this one, luckily. So here I say: "Yay! Another MarySue fic (that's well written)!"
Great work, love! :)
Hi! I'm reviewing a story for each author who submits a drabble to our In-House Challenge, so I figured a complimentary one for our contest creator wouldn't do any harm. :)
First: Gryffindor Tower and Common Room should both be capitalized. Beyond that, there were no errors that I could see.
Second, I liked this story because Ginny is simply the type to be stubborn in this sort of way. You also made it canon. Ginny accepts his reasons for breaking up with her, even expects it, at the end of HBP. In this story, though she wouldn't accept the breakup, she still understood and accepted his reasons for breaking up with her. That kept it canon.
Nice job. :)
Oops, never mind! Not canon, because I just reread the ending of HBP to make sure I was correct, and actually, the kids left Hogwarts very shortly after Dumbledore's funeral...
Maybe an AU warning would be appropriate? Anyway, the characterization was canon, if not the timelines...
I liked the idea of boarding together. It kind of reminds me of what Harry, Ron and Hermione do. That way, they can find a compartment together! :)
“I was just getting to that, Prongs. Don’t interrupt. As I was saying, and girls!” Sirius finished.
“Here, here!” they all chanted.
You need to insert a space between the two lines here.
I love the interaction. The Peter-Marauders interaction is perfect. He's a bit slow, but they still speak to him and are friends. :)
Overall, very nice chapter. I don't sense a lot of humor, though...maybe the prank will add some. Nevertheless, I think you could have made Peter's statements have a humorous tone, rather than an annoyed tone.
The only part that was really funny was Sirius' comments about Peter stuffing his face somewhere. Reminded me of Crabbe and Goyle. :)
Great work! Onto the next chapter!
That was funny. :) I had a slight issue with the believability of the prank, though. That glass isn't glass - which means it's probably very complex magic. Destruction is easier than creation, so the Marauders could destroy it...they're smart.
But even Dumbledore couldn't just conjure a ceiling like that in a minute out of thin air. I think it would take the cooperation of several professors over a few weeks to fix the ceiling.
That would be more realistic, and I think it would make the Marauders happier - their prank would be even better!
Again, you do a really nice job with characterization of the Marauders and even McGonagall.
I like your use of subtle humor vs. the exaggerated slapstick humor many authors (including me!) use.
Great work. :D
This chapter in its finished form is hundreds of times better than it was originally. I know I didn't continue to beta for you, but I'm very proud to be the beta of this one chapter!!! :) I hope I helped you a little, and dear, you just got nominated for Best Canon Romance story in the MNFF forums Quiksilver Quill Awards. Many, many congrats. Best of luck with your future work!
P.S. It was so nice of you to include me in your A/N for this chapter. It really made my day. I really hope I did help you, at least a little. :D You were a pleasure to work with -- SO hardworking.
Author's Response: THANK YOU! Ah! I\'ve missed your amazing beta-ness! And you helped me more than a little and you know it. If it weren\'t for you I wouldn\'t have even ever considered rewriting chapters completely due to my stubborness. Which is another reason you were an awesome beta, you weren\'t afraid to butt heads with me over something or just once and tell me something. You were awesome! Do they have beta awards? Because I would totally nominate you for best beta! And thank you so much for nominating me for best canon romance! You have no idea how much that means that somebody thought it was that good! Thank you!
Well, I already reviewed this on another site, but heck, it deserves another review, doesn't it? :P
I think this is one of your best, Kiara, dear. You've proven that you don't just write humor - you write this angst with a remarkable finesse.
I think the biggest part that contributed to the tears in the story was the addition of Molly Weasley into the plot.
The son-mother interaction is just heart-wrenching under these circumstances.
However, I do think the ending is tragic in its own way. So often, we hide things to protect the people we love from getting hurt, and this is what Molly does. Though you show nothing further in this story, that does usually end up hurting them even more.
I'm intrigued to see what happens when Ron actually finds out, and yet, I also think that you ended it in a perfect spot.
It's rather more tragic this way. That's beautiful. Again, dear, one of your best - perhaps the best that I've read.
P.S. This is the first of three reviews as your prize for participating in the review challenge for lilyevans34.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! I must say, I\'m quite proud of this piece, as it\'s so different to what I usually write. I thought it would be like Molly (especially with her mothering instinct) to want to protect her son in the only way she can now, even if it\'s short lived, so she can see him smile for a little longer. I\'m really glad you enjoyed it, thanks for such a lovely review!
Oops! I meant this is the second of the three reviews you receive for participating in the review challenge for lilyevans34. One more left!!! :)
Author's Response: =)
I like how you casually throw in the comments like "We don't want anything for Christmas." That's very mysterious and it draws the attention nicely.
I also like how you have the children interact. You have a very good sense of the ages and common behaviors of all the Weasley children. The Fred/George interaction had me shaking with laughter. Classic.
I would have liked to see more Molly/Arthur interaction, though. A couple that's raising children needs to be communicating frequently, and in the focus upon the children, you don't really see that.
*Blushing* Thank you for this review. I think getting the ages of everyone right was one of the more complicated tasks in writing this story... I seem to remember researching in one of my mother\'s old parenting books how much a 2-3-year old talks.
And about Molly and Arthur... actually, you\'re absolutely right. I didn\'t think of that all that much at all, which, in retrospect, was definitely a mistake. I\'ll take it into serious consideration in chapters to come.
Again, thank you!