I'm going to begin with the fact that I've never liked the term, "Ding Dong" to describe a bell's tolling. Ding just...isn't dark-toned enough. /random OCD rant
Heheh. Despite that Ding of the DingDonging -is laughing hysterically at this phrase-, I really liked this piece, of course.
Let me make a few observations/compliments that I don't think others have noticed.
First the rhythm/pacing of this story is interesting. It rushes forth in passages of description and memories...and then nearly halts for one or two lines. "She still bites her lip," or "I gave you a chance to repent." That increases the power of the "paused" lines.
I'm a bit shocked that this is Cho. I've never really liked or admired Cho, and to me, I can't see her in this. >.< But that's probably my own personal bias. I DID, on the other hand, enjoy the way you describe her. The lack of feeling - the coldness - that's in utter contrast to canon!her. To me, that's a combinatory result of a) her growing up and b) all the grief she's faced on top of the death of her first love that's just...numbed her.
It'd be interesting to see - I actually wonder - if she blames Lucius on some level for the death of Cedric, and not just Harry.
The thing that just is beautiful about this is the religious aspect. I almost see Cho as a Destroyer/Angel coming to Redeem Lucius by...well, killing him. I'm not a Christian, so that is probably totally not alligned with the faith's ideas, but that's what I saw in my head. A dark angel.
*shudders* It was so cold, so dark, such mechanical redemption. And the final two lines...just stopped time.
Beautiful work, dear Patrick. This rambling review does it no justice. ^^ But you asked for it, so there! :P
Author's Response: Aw, thanks so much Kumy! *hug* I really appreciate it. :)
You pulled a perfect exaggeration of Harry's angst period in OOTP. :) I also loved Hermione's Mary-Sue/scarlet woman transformation!
Your visual imagery of flamingos in the Last Battle and the house elves singing a Munchkin song from Dorothy of Oz is wonderful. I love the parallels drawn between the Wicked Witch and Voldie, and the house elves and Munchkins.
Author's Response: :D I was surprised how fun it is writing an outrageously OOC Harry & Hermione. Lol, I\'m glad you liked the flamingos & the Wizard of Oz references. I tried to come up with the most random way for Harry to escape - again - & then I thought - flamingos! Thanks for the review! I\'m glad you enjoyed it :]
I'm reviewing the NEWT level and the OWL level because we were supposed to read both. And I'm late, but I joined late, so I hope it's an "excused absence."
Anyway, I absolutely loved the part about the Nile being central to the Egyptian's way of life, simply because that's one of the biggest parts of their culture, and thereby their mythology.
It was interesting to learn about their beliefs regarding conquering other villages. They remind me of Hinduism with their tolerance/acceptance of other beliefs.
I found it interesting that not all Egyptian gods originated in Egypt i.e. Ra came from the Meditteranean.
Finally, large section of your lesson is in bolded text. Made it a bit hard to read. ;)
I have so many ideas for this lesson's one-shot; I have no idea how to pick or incorporate them all!!! :D
I like the list of gods/goddesses - really easy resource for me; thank you. I found it interesting that Sekhmet is a god of creation, fertility and birth, because it's also the screenname of one of my favorite Gryffindors, and an amazing MNFF author! :P
I think my favorite goddess would be Seshet, because as "Lady of the Books," who wouldn't love her?
Nice chapter! I'm here, Professor! Mark me down!
Hello, James! -waves-
I did like your formatting in this with the italics. Some of the lines, I felt, were unnecessarily broken. Since I KNOW that is not the case - you do everything for a reason; that's what makes your poetry good - please explain it to me.
forget what earlier life
Why break those lines up?
it held that, moments
before, the currents
Several things to comment on here. Firstly LOVED the way you formatted currents, waves, etc.
But WHY break up "moments" and "before," or put "does not" and "loses" together?
moved to, was,
Why break those lines up?
Your jumbled, yet sensical writing is beautiful, and still intact. You amaze me with every poem you write.
I still love The Raconteur better, but this is an excellent piece in its own right.
Answers, please, for all my questions! (Oh, and if you could PM me when you've answered here, so that I know to check back, that would be wonderful...Thank you.)
Author's Response: Darn. I hate it when my response disappears. This was the cause this time, I had such a long reply. Oh well. I\'ll just say thank you for the review inasmuch as I\'m really annoyed at MNFF, at the moment, and really don\'t have the spirit to type it all up again. But still: I LOVED this review, and that\'s why I gave an originally long response, too.
Guh. I lurrrrve this story. First of all, the idea that purebloods are bound to the house and home, per se, as well as the other person (the spouse)...that idea is really, really cool. You really portray Walburga and Orion well.
I love that Orion is a grey sort of character, you know? You like things about him, and at the same time, you kind of dislike the way he is, too. You love that he kisses her at that dance, and you hate that he gives up and doesn't leave the house. :D
Isabelle - you get a really good feel for her too. Actually, I'd love to see her again if possible. ;)
Mar, honestly, these people came ALIVE for me. Really, they did. I think that was the BEST thing about them!
The one nitpick - syphilis? Really? I just can't see Muggle diseases in the magical world. >.< But that's a personal thing, nothing canonical to contradict it. *rolleyes* So it's really not a nitpick at all. Heheh.
See? You're so good I have nothing to criticize. :D
Adonis -sigh- is often used by Draco/Ginny writers to describe Draco Malfoy. -sigh- -fangirl squee-
Anyway, I like that you left some blanks for us to fill with our stories! I'd rather like to cover Adonis, I think, since I am such a Draco fan. :D
The list of the muses were interesting because I saw a few arts like painting and sculptures that were left out.
That rather surprised me. Beyond that, this chapter was breathtakingly short and concise with information.
I'm very surprised that Aphrodite (beauty!) and Hephaestus (not handsome) were married. Kind of reminds me of Beauty and the Beast, actually. :)
I like the simple way you present things, and the way you allow for us to do our own research by leaving holes for us to fill. That is, after all, in my opinin, the point of NEWT level classes. We do our own learning!
Anyway, I'm rather cynical about Zeus. In all the interpretations I've read, he comes off as egocentric, arrogant, and altogether TOO powerful for his own good.
Hera, though, is not a nice woman, herself. The things she does...she's a downright vixen! I wouldn't blame her, though, married to such a player.
Sometimes, I think the gods were worse than humans themselves. Reminds me of celebrities nowadays, where they're allowed to do illegal things common people would get punished for (i.e. 16 year olds in clubs etc.)
Air Venclu. What an interesting name. And 8 drafts?!?! Oh my lord!
Well, I saw your link in the Transfiguration class, so I figured I'd drop by. I did promise reviews for all of the OC fics by Monday, so...
I rally liked the encounter on the train. I think that Layla is quite a character.
My only worry is that she will drown out Air, because Air seems so quiet. But you do a good job in this first chapter of keeping the focus on Air rather than letting Layla run away with the plot. :D
Nice work so far! Your OC seems really believeable!
Author's Response: Thank you! Yes, 8 drafts. But believe me, this chapter is soo much better than the first one. But anyways. I appreciate your concern for Air. All of the chapters (except for the Great Love set of chapters) are told from Air\'s point of view in seventh year, and her personality is a lot stronger. She\'s definetely not going to be pushed aside by Layla, I\'ll make sure of that. Thanks so much!
Ooh. This is the first story I've ever read that's described Azkaban, believe it or not! I love the unique bunny! :D Great job.
You seem to describe everything very well, from the food to the cellmates.
ZOMG to describing the prisoner-prisoner interaction. It was SO lovely and heartbreaking, and you truly felt for these antagonists (from canon). To make us feel for the "bad guys" - that's a feat that should be applauded. *claps*
I wonder if you want to include a bit more about the prisoner-guard relations.
Do the guards punish prisoners? *I mean, besides sucking their happy memories from them...* Do prisoners attempt to rebel or escape when they first come, before they're drained of all life-energy?
Author's Response: Why, thank you, Kumy! It\'s reviews like these that make my day. I never got into that aspect of it, but I suppose they might if they felt a little playful. ^^\"Thanks for the review!
Hmm. First of all, I hope you know that your entire story is in italics. It's rather distracting.
I appreciated your use of the word, "necropolis." The ending line was brilliant. I loved the last line.
However, the use of sentence fragments was overdone, and the power in them was lost because you used them so often. They're good for occasional emphasis, but overuse leads to less impact. ;)
The story is a bit confusing, I think. You do realize that where Ginny is, is not reality. But is she dreaming? Is she sleeping? Is she really at a graveyard, and simply hallucinating? Has she gone mad?
Perhaps adding a bit somewhere - about sleep, about madness or something - would bring the story into focus a bit more.
Finally, there's a few bits that escape me entirely. Why does a DOG lead her through the graveyard when she's been here many times before?
All in all, your use of language is impeccable. However, there are many details whose meanings aren't explained or implied, and I simply wish they were, because it would make this story SO DEEP.
Oh, finally...there were a few lines - barely any at all - that were a bit melodramatic. Those causes Ginny to seem so young, and so naive - and she's really not.
Your last line was brilliant. The lines by Harry at the end were brilliant. But, at the same time, there were some things that were good, but not briliant.
Nice work. You've got a huge amount of talent going for you. Keep writing!
P.S. Please don't think that because I have criticism, the story isn't good. It is very good. But the glimpses of brilliance I see make me want more from the story - and I know you can do it! That's the only reason I'm criticizing the little things. :D
Author's Response: Thank you for the detailed review. I never have a problem with critisim. It is how we improve. The italics were intentional. Sorry that they were distracting. I have seen italics used to indicate a dream in stories many times. This is a recurring dream. I used the italics to indicate this and the sense of deja vu to indicate that it is a recurring dream. The dog was simply my way of paying respect to a movie that I loved when I was a kid. The dog is part of the recurring dream. When the deja vu leaves her, along with the dog, the dream becomes something new.
Absolutely hilarious. You have Luna's quirkiness down pat, and have exaggerated just a teensy bit to add more humor. The tweak works brilliantly, and Luna really doesn't seem all that OOC, excepting the fact that she has no normal moments in this story. :)
I really liked it. One thing I could see you working on is making sure that you include some more description. You have a lot of dialogue and a decent amount of action...but a llittle humorous imagery could go a LONG way.
This was hilarious! I loved their attempt to fix the broom etc. I have a few problems though with the storyline. First of all, why are Fred and George the ones to help Harry? To me, that's always been Ron's role as best friend and sidekick. :) I also wonder why a magical sports shop would be selling Muggle items like videocassettes. That just didn't make sense to me.
Another thing you should note: unnaturalness is not a word, so Aunt Petunia shouldn' t use it.
Otherwise, your characterization and the humor is spot-on. I loved reading this! Great job!
Author's Response: Thanks for your review, Kumy. There were a couple of reasons Dumbledore sent Fred and George, rather than Ron, to watch out for Harry. First, they\'re a lot slower to anger than Ron is, and are much more likely to respond to threats and derogatory remarks with humor (such as dancing teacups), rather than hexing the daylights out of the Dursleys, as Ron would probably do. There\'s also the fact that they\'re older, already out of school and running a successful business, so he sees them as being more responsible. Finally, probably the main reason it happened that way was because I REALLY wanted to write it. ;-)
About the videocassettes, I realize it\'s very unlikely. The idea was to get more Muggle-borns excited about Quidditch. Unlikely? Of course. Impossible? Not if the shop owner was Muggle-born. It was really just one of those things that I put in for fun.
Finally, I checked, and according to Webster\'s dictionary, \'unnaturalness\' IS indeed a word. I was rather impressed with myself for actually having a real (as opposed to electronic) dictionary in the house.
At any rate, thank you very much for your thoughs, and I\'m glad you enjoyed the chapter.
Oh, so you changed my ending so that Draco is alive at the end?!?! -giggles- Thanks for picking my story. I loved the cute little additions of the monsters. And of course you had to mention Wrackspurts! *hugs*
Author's Response: I don\'t know what my obsession with them is! *HUGGLES BACK* Thanks for leaving this review and... congratulations!
-giggles- Who here loves your A/N at the end? :p Anyway, this was a PLEASURE to beta, dearest. You did wonderfully with the entire piece.
Now, this is your review for handing in that quick OC assignment for Transfiguration NEWT class. ;)
I think that you've really characterized Lily nicely, and I really like your use of memories as a form of explaining the story.
Good luck in the challenge, dear! Thanks for finishing that assignment in a jiffy!
Author's Response: Kumy, thank you so much for everything. Your reviews always make me smile- even though you\'d already read this one before everyone else. I\'m glad you liked the memories- those were the hardest for me to write, and I wasn\'t sure if they made sense to anyone other than my crazy self. Thanks again for the review!
This was very unique, very creative, and well thought-out. Most definitely something I wouldn't have dared to try - and something you did well.
Now, Harry and Draco's characterization are right to a point, in my opinion - but let me explain. Also, keep in mind that you've already done a good job - better than I can do - with their characterization. Just, since this is a challenge story, there's always room for improvement, eh? ;)
Harry, to me, is a bit too mature. I mean he grew up a lot at the end of HBP when he left Ginny. But I don't know if he's mature enough to let go of the pain of only a few months ago to help Draco. He won't be as angsty as after Sirius died...but I don't think he has Dumbledore's ability to forgive and accept just yet.
Now, I realize this would change the whole plot if Harry couldn't forgive Draco. I suggest adding one more event to swing the tide in Draco's favor - maybe Draco helped Harry at one point against someone he disliked more, or showed mercy...something to make Harry forget the pain of the Death Eaters entering Hogwarts, Bill getting hurt etc.
Second, you have Draco down pat - his snarky side. But to me, this Draco sounds more like the Draco from before HBP. In HBP, I think Draco grew up a little - learned the little barbs don't really matter. I actually happen to think you should show Draco attempting to be polite - after all, he's asking for help.
I really liked how you counted Snape and Crabbe/Goyle out before Draco seeks help from the Trio. Makes the relationship plausible. :)
Anyway, so your Harry and Draco are perfectly characterized. But Harry seems a bit too old, and Draco a bit too young.
Again, please don't suffer doubts about your characterization. I'm nitpicking (MAJORLY) right now. You've done a better job at characterization than many other authors including myself could.
Just things to think about. Good luck in the challenge, love! (Thanks for the review for Illusion.)
Author's Response: Ah! Kumy, I thought I responded to this already - I know we PMed about our stories, so that must be what I am thinking of. And then I saw your post in the review thread and thought - oh no, did I respond?? *headdesk* I\'m so sorry for not replying sooner - THANK YOU so much for the awesome review!! I\'m so happy you came to read this story. :D I\'m glad you liked it and really appreciate your comments on the characters. I understand what you are saying - Harry and Draco are in character, but maybe not for the point in life that they are at in this story. I wonder how I can tweak that, I will definitely think about it. And it is really a great thing for me to keep in mind for future stories - as fanfic writers we try to stay in character with what JKR has given us so far, but then we have to allow for these characters to develop within our own stories as well, which is sometimes tricky (like here!) Thank you so much for the wonderful comments! I\'ve really enjoyed reading your stories and getting to know you on the boards. *turnip hug to a toaster* Thanks again and see you around! ~Gina :)
You exaggerated the humorous qualiities of each character quite well: Harry's hero complex, Hermione's intelligence, Ron's love of food. :) This was really funny!
The only problem I have is the bit where Harry calls Hermione a tart. I can understand Hermione sucking up to the teachers - but it would never be sexual, she's not like that. Even when exaggerating, don't make her a "part-Succubus." I'd much rather see her do two hundred essays or something ridiculous like solve world hunger - not be sexual, though.
Author's Response: Harry was just being nasty. Maybe he should have said \"attention tart\"? Then again, can\'t please all of the people all of the time :) Thanks for the feedback though.
I love the ending. Your choice of topic (a Pensieve) is REALLY interesting. :)
One thing I may want to fix is that Pensieve should be capitalised. ;) I checked the book and it is capitalised there.
Beyond that, I think it's fabulous. -sigh- Competition sucks! :p No, but seriously, good luck with this challenge!!! :D You'll totally deserve it if you win!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! Urgh, pensieve should be capitalized? Oh well. It looks a lot better with a lowercase. I\'ll see what I\'ll do. ;) Thanks so much. I know, competition does suck! But sometimes it\'s fun. :) -Jenn
That was...to put it simply, crack!tastic. :D Absolutely insane. *giggles* Alright - since this is a review for Review Crew, I'm going to attempt to be SOMEWHAT objective.
*turns head sideways to squint at madness* Hmm. I think some of your rhyming didn't quite work, though your rhythm was on-point from what I could see. (I have never heard that song in my life, and could not sing along to check for rhythm *lol*)
For example: things and bling; land and man; was and all! *eek*; Kings and everything.
So...I would work on the endings more, but I do like the overall lovely funniness of the parody. Nice job, dearie!
Author's Response: Haha! Thank you, Kumy! The song doesn\'t rhyme either, so I thought the heck with it!
I have a feeling I've read this before. Did I beta this? O.o Ooh, I did! *has just checked the author note* Heehee.
Now, onto the review! I thought it was brilliant then and I still think so now. You cover the best parts of a Hufflepuff's personality, and the optimism here is quite refreshing.
This is truly a story that will make you tear up...but then, smile. It lit a small bit of joy inside my heart, and that is a gift like no other.
Author's Response: Thanks! :]