The dialogue punctuation needs quite a bit of work, and I suggest you get another beta to fix that, and specifically that.
Beyond that, the plot (so far) is plausible, and I could see this happening. It's a bit short so I didn't really get to see your characterization, but it was a nice prologue.
P.S. Thanks for earning 15 points with your Divination Extra Credit! This is your free review!!!
Author's Response: Thanks for mentioning it, I\'ll look into that beta. I\'m glad that the plot is plausible, that\'s what I\'m going for, I want this to be as real as possible.
As always, Hagrid's love for the wild will come into conflict with the humans he loves. This story was sadly tragic, and it nearly made me cry.
I loved how Hagrid immediately found Fang after Aragog - it's characteristic of those who have lost pets to either get another one immediate (which is Hagrid) or never get one again (obviously, not Hagrid).
Nice work. I do really like how Dumbledore accepted Fang at the end, as well. :)
P.S. Review 5 of 5 for the August Review Challenge Prize.
Author's Response: I really like this piece. I think Hagrid is under utilized and poorly written during most fics (Mine incuded) whish is why I chose to write a singular piece about him. I still have to write the follow up about his expulsion. Drats.
I really like that you show different sides of Peter Pettigrew in this story. I often complain about the fact that certain characters like him are always portrayed in a certain light.
However, I think your presentation of these parts makes them a bit unrealistic. The main culprit? It's the transitioning. We see him as an optimistic toddler...and then a petrified first year. It doesn't make sense.
You see, babies, on the whole, are happy creatures. And the first year we see is truly Peter - focused on himself and thoroughly frightened. However, we don't see the journey from this Point A to Point B, and that's what kills the realistic-ness of this part.
Then we see him go from a petrified first year to an eager follower. That, too, is a valid showing. But again, we don't see the encouragement the Marauders gave him or anything else that helped him become this person who believed in following James/Sirius/Remus truly.
There's also one problem with characterization in the avid follower bit. He signs up for the War because he's proud that Dumbledore trusts him. This doesn't seem like Peter to me. Peter betrays his best friend James, who trusts him. I think that Peter would sign up for the War in search of power, and leave the Order on basis of fear, or power...Trust isn't something he's been shown to value at that age, though maybe if Voldemort betrays him, he eventually could value it.
The final bit of characterization was perfect. Peter wants to be appreciated - he wants power. However the ending was a bit OOC, in my opinion.
Peter has fled from death before, and in my opinion he would flee again. He would NOT face it - he values his own safety above anything else, and he has very little pride (begging Harry to save his life in PoA, remember?).
You need another transition. A stunning event that shows Peter he is no longer safe by running away, or that he has NO POWER in the Dark Lord's side, or that he will be safer with the Order. Force his values (safety and power) to be what makes him return once again - not pride or indignation (which are things in canon that he takes very little stock in).
I hope you don't mind this critical review. I wouldn't have bothered to write it had I not thought that the story was worth it to begin with! It really is wonderfully multifaceted - your characterization, IMO, needs a bit of tweaking, and you'll be GREAT!
(And if you disagree, well then, feel free to ignore EVERYTHING I've just said - it's your story after all!)
Author's Response: Wow... *gapes at review* Thank you for the well thought out review. Looking back on it, I believe I do need to add some more scenes in between the ones that I all ready have. I\'ll defiantly have to keep all this in mind the next time I write Peter. Thank you again for the review!
Oh my. This was very, very dark and very sad. I think it would have been better if you continued in Harry's POV throughout. The POV of a dying man not quite conscious is quite haunting.
I loved the words of Hermione at Harry's bedside. I have one issue.
I can't see Harry saying "sassy." That rings southern U.S. to me, not British English. Spunky would be more appropriate, or confident, or defiant.
Good work. Very, very poignant piece.
Author's Response: Yeah, I\'ll rethink the \"sassy\" thing. I guess its right, sassy really doesn\'t fit, does it? I was hoping it would be sad, because for some reason I tried desperately for it to be that kind of tear-wrenching sad fic, because, to me, those are the best. Thanks!
I loved the imagery in the beginning. I also liked how you fit Harry into the "fine, I'll let you look at my essay" personality that we usually think of Hermione as. This was very, very funny, and a cute portrayal of us lovely Gryffindors.
One problem I noticed was that I'm SURE that Snape would have found an excuse to give Harry a detention along with Ron, and that didn't happen in the story.
Wonderful piece (could we expect any less from you, Beth?).
Author's Response: Hehe, you\'re right. Snape would\'ve found a way, but he\'d have to sit down and read the entire essay.
\"Ah ha! Harry\'s \'G\' in this sentence is crooked! Detention!\"
Thanks so much!
This is very exaggerated - a total parody. :) The only issue I had is a slight OOCness of Master Draco Malfoy himself. -fangirl sigh- He wouldn't even talk to Hermione once he saw it was her. He would insult her, and walk away.
So him asking "What do you want?" is a bit friendly for any Slytherin, and especially for him. ;)
Beyond that, it was absolutely hilarious. Harry sounded like a total idiot in the last line, and I loved it. :p
P.S. This is your first of three reviews in exchange for your participation in the LilyEvans34 Review Challenge.
Author's Response: Yes, I do suppose he was a bit OOC, but in a parody fic, it makes it slightly more okay. After that, it wasn\'t as bad. He had Weasel motiavation to help her. =) Oh, I loved that last line so much! Thanks for the review!
Your characterization was so IC for Hermione; it's almost ethereal. First of all, you don't alter her clinically-thinking personality at all. She could no longer pretend that everyone was safe at Hogwarts. To do so was utterly foolish.
In addition, you don't make her into a simpering fool. Her intelligence shines through the whole story's dialogue. I have to ask you to return the ribbon and leave, Professor. Lunch hour is almost over and I have not yet completed what I set out to do, thanks to you."
Even in anger and hurt, she manages to address Snape as an adult would. That speech, that tone - that is so Hermione Granger, that I almost feel as if Hermione was a creation of your own mind, you know her so well.
Finally, her strength. She doesn't melt in lust, or fall apart. She's not a giddy schoolgirl. She's our wise, practical Hermione, who knows when something is impossible.
"I-I can't do this." She swallowed hard and turned back to him, repeating her words more forcefully. "I can't do this."
The characterization is wonderfully perfect, and wonderfully heartbreaking. Absolutely stunning story, and Hermione really is written superbly.
Author's Response: Oh Kumy, this is such a lovely review. It totally made my day, hun! *huggles lots* Thank you so much for liking my characterization -- I really didn\'t think it was so good. *sends her love*
Oh, oh, oh, OH! Why haven't I read your stories before this? This was unbelieveable, Thea. I do believe you're going to turn me into a canon shipper if you keep writing brilliance like this. Where shall I begin? I suppose at the very start! :)
I do rather like Arthur's comfortable confidence as it opens up. You really show, overall, his character of being happy where he is, and only doing the things he loves. He's steady and not at all interested in money, and totally in love with Molly. I think the most important bit to me was where he asked whether it was envy. To me, this may be a tad OOC. I don't think Arthur would suspect that of anyone. I did like the line before it about how it was a good hat - because that showed Arthur's confidence, but instead of envy, you may want to use, "I suppose they'll be wondering where I bought it." I'd also like a bit more of a description of what the hat looks like. ;)
I did rather like the viewpoint that Arthur's been dealing with disapproval of his Muggle admiration since he was young; it shows his strength, which is something authors miss, I think. However, I'd also love to see a thought paragraph where Arthur defends his admiration, defends Muggles. :D
I really loved the way he called her "his Molly," but then later reminded himself that he didn't own her. To me, that is the epitome of the differences between Lucius and Arthur AND what makes Arthur such a good man - his considerate, fair, honest nature. That's why Molly fits with him; she's independent and he allows her to be.
I really fell in love with Arthur's mum. In just a few lines, you really portray how vivid, happy and hopeful she is. I don't know if you meant this but Arthur's dad does come across a bit sour. I think that's because we're contrasting him with Arthur's mum...a sort of foil character or something.
“I see, so it would be reading Muggle newspapers, listening to their radio programs...need end punctuation. Also, you spelled Gringotts, "Grigotts" a few lines down from there.
I liked the interview and I see why you needed it, but honestly I could do with a bit less of it - it's really not that crucial to the story, IMO. *shrug*
The Lucius twist was interesting. I would love to see a passage either from Arthur's memories or if Lucius was leaving Molly's side as Arthur came in - on how Molly treated Lucius. Would she be angry? Kind? Disdainful?
To finish, it was the ending that got me. It is just like Molly to take control and say, "I'm marrying you, so there." :D The last line truly made me laugh...Arthur seems almost helpless against the torrent that is Molly!
That's also the one thing I'd like to caution you against. It's not so bad because you extrapolated on Arthur's strengths through the rest of the story, but at the end, when you're reading the Molly/Arthur interaction, Arthur nearly comes across as...hen-pecked. >.< I would show him somewhere in there standing up for something (a ring detail or parents etc.) just once to show Molly couldn't just order him about. ;)
Lovely work. Probably one of the best, if not the best, Molly/Arthur fics I've read. Definitely the youngest - I have only read post-war Molly/Arthur fics. This was lovely.
Thought of the perfect way to brighten your day a little, hopefully! Nothing like a review, in my opinion!
Anyway, I really liked the way you spelled "Muma" - kind of clinched the age POV for me.
I still think words like "betrayed" are a bit advanced for a nine-year-old's thinking, if you know what I mean.
I absolutely loved the emotions that came through in this piece. For examples, the exclamations at the names of her friends - I could SEE her that excited. A little girl, poised on the balls of her feet, hyperactive and full of pep! :)
Nice work, Leah. Thank you for working so hard at MNFF in addition to all the stuff you do in RL.
Author's Response: Aw....*blushes* Thank you! That does make me feel good! :D Oh, and Sam is eleven in this one-shot, not nine.
Wow. I loved this. We never think about what happened to Tom Riddle Sr. after he left Merope Gaunt. This was a wonderful depiction.
Your ending was beautiful in its rhetoric. I loved how you ended by pulling in your title again. :)
The only complaint I have was the repetition in the beginning. You have "ripped away" several times as well as a few other phrases, and it just doesn't pull me into the story.
Sarah was so much like Merope - so desperate, so unwanted (on the streets). It's strange how Tom traded in a girl for another that was so much like her.
Good luck with the challenge! You've blown my submission entirely out of the water!!!
Author's Response: Haha, thanks for that last bit. I must say that I\'m hopeing to do well with this piece as I think it\'s one of my favourites, but I\'m sure yours will do well, too. Thanks for the suggestions!
Wow. Just...Wow. You took a few words from canon and made them into the most poignant angst piece I have read in months.
Wonderful job, Beth. I would call this your best work. It was an honor to read it.
P.S. This is the second of three reviews you receive from me as a reward for participating in the LilyEvans34 Review Challenge.
Now that I can actually speak, I figure I owe you a really review. First, let me get this off my chest... This was Bloody Brilliant.
You say that Karkaroff killed Travers, which would not work within the context of canon. Let me explain...
In canon, while Karkaroff is in Azkaban, Travers is alive. He gives Travers' and Mulcibers' names to the Wizengamot and Crouch Sr. during his trial. Crouch says the Ministry "has them."
So...Karkaroff, even after being released, wouldn't have been able to kill Travers because Travers is in the custody of the Ministry.
Therefore this needs an AU warning. ;)
That's my only true complaint. Wonderful use of emotion and a great ending (though AU).
*A feel better present for you, love!*
Anyway, what an intriguing opening! I love the Binns reference you've put at the very end of it - it sort of leads into what's to come, I think. *will see very soon when she reads the next chapter*
I also liked the interaction between Voldemort and Bellatrix. When she flinched at the signs of his fatigue...that just portrayed a perfect moment for me!
I can't wait to see where you take this!
Wow. This was a short chapter, but there was so much packed into it. I really liked the way the gods interacted, and how Isis simply treats gods that mortals revere and fear with casual disdain.
Why Re chose him to receive my gift of magic, I’ll never know.
Ooh, but isn't this interesting? Re is a pharoah? I always thought he was the sun-god...Hmm. I really enjoy his character, by the way.
Thoth has made me laugh a bit. He's so eager and shy. :p Like an ancient-day Neville.
I absolutely love the twisted Isis. You give her almost a...spoiled feel. She's too powerful for her own good or something.
Very interesting. I can't believe I haven't read this before! *headdesk*
*runs to next chapter*
Wow. Just...wow. I really like this. Isis is powerhungry. I never imagined her to be so, especially as she is already powerful. But as they say, those with power are never content with what they have.
I feel a bit sorry for Osiris, having to put up with her...
I really am impressed by how much cultural detail has gone into the temple scene. I'm assuming that when the Head Priest looked at Isis, he saw a hag? An illusion or something?
Finally, the foreshadowing you include at the end had me shivering. This foretelling of how the gods fell is disturbing, haunting...lovely.
I think this is one of my favorite stories by you. Incredible work, Beth. Just wonderful!
*Hope you feel better, love!*
I'm so proud of you for getting over your writer's block, and so excited that you entered this challenge!!! :D I hope that you'll be able to more challenges in the future. :)
Now...I loved how you alternated Hermione's grief with her practical side - that's very in character. I also liked how you kept the person who said "It's okay, Hermione," a mystery. That fits in very well with both the title and the banner itself.
Author's Response: Thanks, Kumy! I was pretty glad to have beat my writer\'s block as we.. :) I\'m glad you thought I wrote Hermione in character. I actually was really worried that I screwed it up badly, but I\'m happy it turned out okay. And the \"mystery person\" is exactly what I wanted to do. Yay! And thanks again!
I love that dialogue between Sirius and Regulus. They are often portrayed as friendly, at least before their ways part. I happen to think they would fight all the time, because Regulus prefers submission, while Sirius is independent in his ways. You portrayed that very well.
I like your opening. The description is marvelous, and the wording is carefully woven, and I can tell that you worked hard on it.
Overall, very nice job. I could have used a bit more of the story, but I liked what you had, as well. :)
Author's Response: Thanks. I would love to have worked more on this story as well, but it was written for a challenge given by the Slytherins and I wasn\'t given much room to play with. Thanks for the review!
So, Percy, true to Fred and George's predictions, truly is a reincarnation of Barty Crouch Sr. I loved the ending; it was spooky. Percy was perfectly in character.
Beautiful work, Beth, like always. Great job. Downright spooky.
Author's Response: Spooky? Haha, I never thought I\'d make it spooky. But now that I think about it, it reallyis spooky! Thanks so much!
This was very poignantly written. I really felt for Adela and the ending was very satisfying. I feel happy, oh so happy...
-runs off humming-
P.S. Review 1 of 2 for August Review Challenge Prize.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, Kumy! :]
Wow. This was spectacular. I believe, your best work that I have read so far. I don't think it was so much the writing, though that was beautiful, too, as the fact that this happens to people every day.
The angst you portray here is beautiful, and I could see it happening in real life. However, I think the way you've characterized Chloe as Lily's best friend, as intelligent and pretty.
I find it hard to see that she would have trouble letting go of a man who didn't want her. She would KNOW better than to keep on holding on. I can understand her being fooled in the name of love once, but I can't see her holding on to this secret until the wedding.
Maybe a Hufflepuff, someone not so pretty. Definitely not Lily's best friend, or a person who is as talented as Chloe.
My personal opinion. The emotions of stories really seem to be a strong point of yours, and this nitpicking of mine is just...well, it wouldn't hurt the story if you left it as is, either. These are just my suggestions.
Author's Response: Was she Lily\'s best friend? Oh, I forgot about that. I agree, I would change that. I just meant that she was Lily\'s friend... she had to be invited to the wedding, right? Anyway, I literally laughed out loud when I read that you thought this was my best work so far, as it\'s easily my least favorite of my stories! Well... I guess I like it more than Bound. Not much you can do with Hedwig. Anyway, I agree with most of the things you said, and I actually think she\'s more of a Puff than a Claw. I mainly put her there for the sake of house pride. Anyway, I would like to keep her pretty. I was basically showing that anyone would love to go out with her, but the person that she loves likes someone else. I\'m glad you thought it was believable, and liked the emotions. Yay; I have a strong point when writing! Thanks so much for the lovely review, and the con-crit!