It is the sort of story you read and nod with certainity and think that this is exactly how it'd have happened.
I like how you left me with an interesting conflict. I think that Sirius can't have matured before James did, but then the hint of him liking Mary, and the fact that he was often at loggerheads with his family, and also that at some time in future Lily does also see him on a personal level, all contribute to your idea. I loved how James was so much true to his character. There's this subtle arrogance, a bit of meaness he often excerises with Snape that you have weaved in the story with Remus and Peter. The start of what would be his transformation isn't one bit forced and I just loved how you brought it about. Peter was brilliant. The dialogues were remarkable and flowed with such a natural ease, I felt like I was there witnessing it. Great job with the whole thing.
Author's Response: Oh, wow, thanks for the amazing review! I'm glad the story left you with something, and that you found my writing enjoyable; it means a lot.
This is the first chapter I have read from your story, although I don't udually read chaptered fictions from this genre. I realise you have a gift for detailed sketching. The next generation characters are written nicely but since you are the famous Belledeg I have to say that the part with Tom and Keedie did not disappoint. It's been a while I read something so flawless. I wonder some times whether it is because it is Tom, you know. Some of the richness that exudes from your writing about him, has to be simply just because of the choice of character. You have some talent there. Your other Tom Riddle fiction I haven't read, maybe just a few chapters I believe. Well may be it is just about Tom as a character holding my attention and then not holding my attention so much at other times.
But the few times it has and I have stumbled upon your work, its been mind-blowing. The person who send you the request in the PM is lucky. And so I am today it seems.
Author's Response: Thanks for such a lovely review, I hope to hear from you again in the future :D
How consistent was the characterisation! Everything just kept on happening at the right moments - Harry's interesting letter, their kiss, the waking up, Molly, James... and if it wasnt the plot, it was the right dialogue and narration to make the reader laugh. Outstading, really. A unique idea explored with keen skill.
More! More! More!
Author's Response: Wow! Thanks for such an amazing review!
For my beautiful, youthful Julia, who held my hand through hell. Words will never be enough.
I am Kuri (Okiblossom) of Ravenclaw, and this is my entry for the February Love Challenge - in the Surprise Love category - in the Great Hall. This is in the MNFF Beta Boards Forum. NOTE: I have no talent that compares to JKR or any other author for that matter.
Liked it? Hated it? Please read and review.
When I said "You have left me wondering how the title ties in with the idea of Remus/Lily companionship" I meant it in a good way. I loved the title, em, the old title. A Little Late. Thats like another of Remus' characteristics isn't it, he's smart, and he really helps in bringing out the ease and best in people, yet himself he's just not been enough, to get that thing, to understand about how important, special he is to some people, how he could be living to that limit. He denies himself. He denies himself certain things, which sort of makes me think of him being "a little late". And there's the nice contrast as you say with being late about the proposal, late to help Lily, which again I adore because it is not in the romantic context, but the whole idea blossoms even in the title.
Epiphany of Endearment. It is a little mouthful. I like the old one better. I think that "felt" like Remus.
Something for you to think about. :)
Author's Response: I felt the same way. It sounds like a textbook, yeah? I changed it back. Thanka. Somtimes things just come to us as writers.
The thing about your writing is that you just dont need an author's note to reinforce the point in the story, your message, theology is already present there between what you say, and also, what you choose not to say. I like your way of writing. You use short selective sentences for your descriptions, your dialogues I have noted are immensely realistic and incredibly full of life and pleasure, but when it comes to important points or background info, you shift to greater details. There's something distincitve about your written word. It draws. I like the unconventional.
Remus. I found him to be appealing. For the first time since Pallas wrote him, I find him an attractive, worthy read. He's stylish. He seems like a Marauder. And I agree with Lily, the way you have written him, is probably the reason he was one of the four mischeif makers. It appears in his personality, dialogue, thoughts, and makes you nod your head. And somehow you have managed that using the cliches that surround Marauder Remus. Remus as a bookworm, and Remus with this unique relationship he shares with Lily. Interestingly, now that I think of it, they really fit well into the post-Hogwarts Remus. The idea that he was shy but despite the rejection, he's become more dignified about his personality, and society's rejection of him. I like that confidence. I think he would delve towards books not like your typical bookworm character, but because of your specification of the genre he reads. I'm thinking it's somehting to do with understanding what people do and why they do it. Being him, it's not too hard to imagine after all, why psychology would fascinate him. Nice one there.
I like the way Remus/Lily turned out. And I'm reminded like rare time, that it is all about how it is done. I dont like it when Remus/Lily goes overboard. You have given their relationship a certain seemlessness that indicates the companionship you refered to in the AN. Their banter and interaction, I treasured.
... So I reread some parts, and I have to tell you that at times I feel Remus appears to me the shadow of what he becomes in book three, and then I think of the scene in book six and seven, and I'm left thinking maybe it was Jo who got it wrong. I think Remus has remarkable potential as a character. He has a grace about him, a personality, a dignified one at that in your story.
It leaves me wishing I was Lily.
Again, the elements of his "perspective" of life you show here I think are there in his adult self too, but probably the war scenario later on (I'm not sure, there's a war going on here as well) is what makes it difficult to reconcile Jo's Remus and your Remus together.
Great story. You have left me wondering how the title ties in with the idea of Remus/Lily companionship.
Author's Response: Akay, You get it. I was so worried nobody else got it. I don't know. Perhaps everyone is looking for that gooey 'romantic love' thing. I'm glad that you like my witing style. You have no idea how often I have gotten cut off for this type of thing. No, it's not canon, but you'll forgive me if I point out that it is feasible. (No, I'm not going by any other canon than JKR, but I'm not saying their friendship was too far-fetched. Pallas? I love Pallas and that's such a compliment. You have no idea. Where's she gone? Unconventional? Yeah, thank you, my friend. I go for different, but I try not to stray too far from canon. Remus has always fascinated me as a character. At first, reading him in Book 3 simply because he has a physical diability that shuns him, but he chooses to rise above. Well, he did in that book, anyway. Diversity and disability are so important in today's literature. On one scale, I connected with Remus because I suffer from cerebral palsy. I totally agree that he 'fell off' in Books 6 & 7, but that's my thing. Remus represented in Prisoner my personal connection. (I garuantee you what I just said would anger folks. Some love that he 'fell off' the bandwagon. I'm a literary nerd, so I had to put the book there. He does have remarkable potential. The whole thing about companionship love? Teens especially don't get this, but love, real enduring love, cannot simply be romantic. There are other elements that have to be there, or the whole damn thing falls to pieces. It invites truth. The title? No idea. I might be changing that because it was a joke in my head. I imagined he was late to bring up a late proposal, late to help Lily and late for the prompt. I'll think on that. Thank you for reading and reaching my understanding, PadfootPatronus. Your review means everything. I'm glad somebody got it.
So, first thoughts first.
I loved the italics. I think MNFF uses verdana font, the italics version for which is nice flowy and suited your one-shot rather well. It's funny but the right tilt gave me the feeling of beckoning, like its saying 'come on, go ahead'. On the other hand when I began reading this, I was engaged but I had this feeling in which I'm thinking you'd better left Leo alone and the impression of his character you have already portrayed in Yellow Roses. I was thinking of at this point about McGonagall's relative lack of mental thoughts given the events and information that is unfolding in the first section of the one-shot. Also I reacted with a oh-the-usual to Leo's sad marital life, and broken heart. That was however because in Yellow Roses I was sure his wife had died and that he was finally over the love that was keeping him wear that ring. Corny, me! I said I might have read a few things in between the line. Anyway, that was just my initial response, and yeah I'm telling you all this, so I have time to stall the forthcoming praise ;)
So to be succint: I really liked it.
I will mention now in quick succession a few things that stood out for me. The consistency in Leo's and Minerva's character starting from your drabble and to the last line in this one-shot is remarkable. You seem to be in full control of their "voice". Leo's affinity with the muggles is not just a random thing, you build it in him and make him die in connection with that, which is bittersweet and like I said, before, consistent and also well-rounded.
Also, I have this very keen interest in noting relationships, real and fictional. And I'm absolutely in love with the idea of how people sharing some sort of bond complement each other in some ways. Writing that bond, writing lost love, one cant write without incorporating that. So I think you just did great there. I am in love with Leo.
One thing, I dont know if I want to distinguish it as praise or concrit or anything, but it's just something I felt/observed while reading The Voice. The whole story and characters although developed somehow seem to come through a distance, like things are filtered by you, the author.
So lets see if I can put it comprehensibly. Like Minerva for instance, she reacts very selectively. And I just love how consistently and not just randomly, you have written her like that. Not only does it suit her, but it brings so much strength to the things to which she DOES react. They become important then. And the reader sits there latching onto every one of them. I was questioning myself whether she appeared something to the point of being detached, but I concluded no. Because the way it is written, as I reached the end, I realised where ever she is not reacting emotionally or mentally, then the reader is reacting in her place. In a very short space of time, I became so used to her character that I didn't need the narration of her thoughts, because less was more than enough, becuase somehow I already know what's going on with her. How brilliant is it that you don't say at even point in your fic that she might have fallen for Leo also, but the reader knows it. Thats Professor McGonagall, visible only of the things she wants you to see.
Leo is a superb development. I'd kill for that talent in writing dialogue by the way. It's incredibly witty, true to characters, and so real. Like an actually conversation where just so much is said. There are moments I lose track of what the conversation is about and I have to read it again, (I think you have had that one before) but I see that as a kind of writing, it's more real and practical like this than coherent and lengthy sentences in quotations.
I found a few spelling mistakes so maybe you could run this through a spell-check. Also, there is a common misconception between 'Tower Bridge' and 'London Bridge'. Did you mean to use Tower Bridge or were you knowingly going for London Bridge?
Really enjoyable piece. Keep it up.
It's a shame you don't write very regularly. But well, what's one got to do, is manage anyhow. I love your style of relatively long sentences, but whats good is that not a single word is unneeded. The sentence is complete, the point made, and for your enjoyment witty construction or solid personality of character showing in it.
I have not read Becoming Riita so I cannot comment on how the inspiration acted here. But as you have guessed, I loved it to bits. Yes, you make Draco always very appealing, it makes me wish the wizarding world had read this one-shot so they wouldn't be dagger over heals but head over heals for Mister Malfoy. I like his dignity, which Jo subtly showed us several times in the books, appear here and actually keep him on the right path. I loved the scene where he is trying to control his blood pour. Gets you truly about the situations we dont usually imagine where wizards DO manage without magic.
But I also loved how you made the Potters play. If Draco says no to me, well, I'll try to convince Harry to ditch his 'ginger' girlfriend. The suspension added a nice twist, a capture of consequences of what can be regarded as Harry's typical personality. In the start when Ginny is trying to convince him, I realise that Harry might at that point himself really believe that wrong is being done, but seeing its Draco might be reluctant to do something about it, such that he is refusing to Ginny but he actually wants to do it, but in a way wants someone else to convince him to do it. I suppose men are like that sometimes. Its lucky the girl is Ginny because I like how I could interpret it here, that later on in Harry's life she's the one who would give him ground and focus.
I thought your summary was promising, Maddy. I was interested to know how you'd incorporate the war.
But as I'm reading the story itself I find that there's something about the voice of your characters thats resisting them to perform to their full potential. Your effort is shining through believe me, when you show James struggling with his feelings, Sirius struggling about his decision to leave home etc, but you need to work to make the dialogue believable, less of the idle banter-quality. Right now it just seems several people talk about things on the surface. For instance this small part:
“Hey, Prongs. Have a good summer?” Remus Lupin said quietly, taking the seat opposite James.
“Hi, Moony! Yeah, I did. Sirius ran away – of course, I already owled you about that over the summer. He stayed at my place and we kind of just lazed around. Oh, but there was something I wanted to talk to you about.”
I cringed repeatedly, because there doesn't seem to be any substance here and there are some structural problems as well.
What Remus says should be 'Had a good summer?' rather than 'have a good summer?' Also, even if Remus is reserved and cautious by nature, doesn't mean he'd be greeting someone with the dialogue tag 'quietly'. It doesn't seem fitting unless you provide something to support it. Is he ill? for instance.
On James' response - it feels all over the place. He had a nice summer. And yet Sirius did run away from home you know. I bet James wouldn't be breathing about it so casually, do you think? Then James isn't the kind of the person to "laze" around. What I think I might have missed here, is him trying to run over the essentials quickly so he can talk about Lily with Remus. Was that it, Maddy? Then the disinterest with which he describes the other bits of his summer would make sense.
I like the nonchalant attitude of James towards Tate though. Because it gives him a sort of mysterious air which proves you don't always have to say something to express your feelings about it.
Something else you might work on though, is the passage in the end where you show Voldemort's side of the story. When I read it in the second chapter, I was thinking: really? Because as far as I am concerned Voldemort tracking the realtionship between Lily and James is just pushing it right over the edge. I'm not certain that at this point of time the prophecy has actually been made. Even if it is the same prophecy you refer to that is in book 5, I'd like to understand how can Voldemort possibly decide that James and Lily will get together and get married and have a baby?! Unless there is an explanation of him trying to get hold of the pair in the barren corridors, Voldemort is actually coming off to be comical in each of his appearences.
I said before, reading the story, your effort on it comes off many times, but there are some unexplained dialogue as well thats making enough questions than they answer.
Hope my review helps,
Author's Response: Hello, Akay! Before I respond to anything you've just said, I have to thank you profusely, because this is the best concrete criticism I've ever received. Okay, now... I agree the dialogue could use a lot of work. What I was having immense difficulty with was the fact that, when starting the story, I wasn't quite sure which way I wanted it to go. I think my confusion shows clearly. If that is the case, then I apologize - it might seem like a waste of time to read it. I wasn't quite sure how to let James effectively convey his thoughts to Remus without going too in-depth about it, and I don't think I did the scene justice. However, when I have time (school has started, and I'm up to my ears in work), I plan to go back and edit everything I've written so far. I'm actually not referring to the prophecy made in book 5 that has Voldemort so intrigued. If you consider it worthwhile of your time, then perhaps when I update this, you will understand what I am actually referring to. I don't want to give too much away of what's going on in my mind right now, but Snape and Lily have already had their infamous argument and end-of-friendship moment. And what a lot of people don't realize is that he's still on the rise to power. He is not fully influential, and he is not fully practiced in the commandeering of Dark forces. In other words, he is not perfect. I'm not really understanding what you mean when you say he is comical in his appearances, however. If you could please explain that a little more, then perhaps I will be able to incorporate your comments into the story. It might just be unclear now, because the plot hasn't been fully developed yet. When I do go back and edit, I will make sure to take all of your concrit into account, because it was useful insight and I will have you know that it is sincerely appreciated. Thank you for you time and your patience! -Maddy
You're good. And I mean really, really. It looks effortless, like maybe you were taking a walk on the street outside your home, reached up the tree on the side walk to grab the apple (title), had a stray paper (summary) blow at you, and that's when you catch sight of the couple ahead of you, and you think to yourself, ah, there's my story
Is that how you did it?!
Jokes aside, Limbo was a very interesting read. The title ties in very nicely with the narrative. And I have to say that you have one of the most drawing summary for a Lily/James story. How you can you say something so simply and make the reader want to add the story to favourites first before actually reading it.
The thing that goes on between Lily and James once he's in the class and seated is just a piece of brilliance. They both are absolutely rich in their roles. I'm in love with this. So that's pretty much all I have - praise.
Thanks for sharing! Let me see if I can track you down on ff.net
Author's Response: Thank you so much! The story came from a very boring class in roman civ when I got caught up watching a boy and a girl who I presume were only friends and started to wonder about the nature of their relationship. Sprinkle in a little bit of personal experience (or lack thereof) and you get Limbo.
All Teddy Lupin had ever wanted was to be the kind of man his godfather was. He even followed in Harry's footsteps and became an Auror.
Harry wanted nothing more than to be the father that Teddy would never have, but work and obligations always seemed to get in the way. Before he knew it, Teddy was all grown up. How had he missed all those precious moments? He knew he had to make up for it somehow.
After all, they had all the time in the world, right?
This fic WON a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Post-Hogwarts Story
Hey Jess ~
By the end of this I may or may not feel terrible. Just so you know, I'm also for some reason doing it half-heartedly, the concrit, that is, because reading your surrounding notes and a general idea from the story itself gave me the impression that you had to get this out sometime. And its not really about the idea or the plot. More of how some finer points turned out.
She was completely right. It had been nearly six months since he had seen his godson, which was absolutely shameful, but being the Head Auror was not conducive to light schedules. As I was reading this, I was really trying to relate it with real life experiences, and you mention also something similar in a review response of yours, that time passes and we hardly notice its passage. I also find it interesting, that half the time that time is racing by, you don't feel it. Only at the end of it, something happens and you feel and try to remember something of the past, and often there is a blank there and other times guilt. It is understandable to me that Harry would not see Teddy for such long periods of time at a time. But like Carole (I believe) said knowing Harry it feels a little less convincing. But I wrote a story about him smoking. Hmm, well, it seems to work either way. Gee. Another thing though, unless Harry in your story becomes the Head Auror in matter of several years only, like if he is 25 or 28, then Andromeda's request of Harry to sit Teddy seems relativey more plausible. I can guess why it is that she wants Harry to hang around with Teddy but maybe its just me, because if she knows that Harry is Head Auror, it makes so little sense, the directness of what Andromeda is asking Harry. Consider a situation where Harry is enjoying a weekend off with his family and then Andromeda may say, can you have Teddy come along as well. Or just somehow it seems more appropriate that she'd expect his family, Ginny in part, to participate as Teddy's caretaker.
But then, James had been born and everything had changed. I found your take interesting. In my mind and in the draft of a semi-done one-shot that I imagined from James' POV was something along the lines of him thinking, that dad had always given Teddy more importance. Maybe that James would be bitter that he'd always had to compete with Teddy for Harry's attention.
The part where Harry sees Teddy in his office. This is where my excitement was really switched off. I read it twice. And I just cannot find Harry's voice there. May be it is because the scene is awfully brief. I couldn't see Harry saying like he did 'this is inexcusable'. He might react like that. But the words didn't seem to be his.
Everyone turned out for these events, and Harry was always expected to be there as an honoured guest. If there is a biggie in something, can there also be a smallie. Well, this is a smallie, or a minor thing, really. But being an honoured guest, every year? I can imagine this to be different from a guest of honour. Er. Guest of honour, Honoured guest. Hmm. This is basically a simple explanation of Harry attending the Gala. Because he's famous. Because once upon a time he saved the wizarding world. But I thought that being a senior Ministry member would be reason enough to attend the Gala every year.
I realised towards the ending that a lot of the time you were 'telling' what was happening rather than showing, which is the reason that for me, the emotions of the characters just seemed to skim the surface.
On the contrary, one line at which I died was it was sick and unnatural for someone to outlive their own child. I thought it was a brillant idea to connect this to Molly's pain on Fred's death. I also agree with Hannah about conscious/unconscious link of the title and of the general metaphor of the story with Marvell's poem. When I think of it that way, it does make me sad. Hm.
I hope something in here makes sense.
Author's Response: Hello there, Akay. I’ll try to address some of the issues you brought up, and I’m even doing this in Word so I don’t lose track.
According to canon, Harry became the head of the Auror Department in 2005, which is the probable year that James was born. This part was also when Harry’s relationship with Teddy hit the skids. Teddy would have been seven at the time, which is nestled between the part where Harry visits and brings sweets and the part where Andromeda tries to guilt Harry into spending time with him. That was really what that was about. Andromeda realises that Harry is busy, but accepting the role of godfather, even if he had done it on a whim and practically as a child himself, comes with the responsibility to carry through with it. I mentioned later in the story that Andromeda isn’t too happy with Harry, and this is the start of it. And as for why Harry doesn’t ask Ginny to help is because he completely fails at asking for help when he needs it. It’s part of his personality flaws, and it’s got him into trouble quite a few times.
The scene in Harry’s office is a tricky one. I know that it doesn’t sound uniquely Harry, but he’s in a situation that he doesn’t know how to deal with. He has just realised that he barely knows Teddy. He doesn’t know how to talk to an adult son. He’s never really had the opportunity to grow into the role. It’s not his voice because he isn’t sure what voice he should use. On one hand, Teddy is now his subordinate, but he’s also his godson and a part of his family. I would hope that he is given some leeway for being a bit mixed-up.
The gala does seem to be a bit of a McGuffin (thank you to Inverarity for the lovely term). But in the Epilogue, it was specifically stated that everyone was either staring or stealing glances at the Trio’s party, even though the kids didn’t understand it. That says to me that they carry a huge celebrity status for their role in defeating Voldemort, most especially Harry. I think that would make him an honoured guest at any party, even without his high social standing as basically the protector of all the country.
And about telling rather than showing…yeah, I suppose I did that. But one must understand that writing something like this isn’t like reading it. Trying to write happy bits when you know how it’s going to end almost makes you sick to your stomach. I didn’t enjoy writing this story at all, but it’s one that I felt I needed to tell. It made my beta tear up and left some readers outraged that I could spin such a tale of heartbreak, loss, and general unfairness. It wasn’t comfortable at all writing it, so diving headlong into the deep emotion that lay beneath the surface might have kept me from writing it at all. I’m not so sure I could have even done that. So, in a way, telling the story rather than walking in their shoes is sort of a safety gap for both myself and the readers. I’m not out to ruin anyone’s day or anything. I suppose we shall have to agree to disagree on that front.
You mentioned the line about outliving one’s own child. To me, Harry finally finished growing up at this moment. He stopped wondering how to be a dad and how to find the time by making the time. He finally realised that living in the present is all he had, because who the hell knows when fate or chance or some evil force is going to come and take it all away. This, coincidentally, is also the start of the end of Harry and Ginny’s marriage as I had written in Vindication of James Potter. If I were her, I would have knocked him clean out for not taking a death threat seriously.
Well, anywho, I hope my viewpoint on the matters you brought up answers some questions about the parts that you found to be a bit anomalous. I’m not trying to convince you that my POV is right or that I disagree; it’s just ‘this is what I was going for’. I hope these bits don’t detract from what you did appreciate about the story.
Take care and thanks for your visit,
Something which you said in your review response about avoiding the contractions in Dumbledore's dialogue prodded me to go through the actual chapter and pay attention to how this actually played. I thought you wrote the material and substance of Dumbledore's dialogue welll enough that makes the conversation flows. So it disappoints me that you think that one way to write his speech is to avoid contractions. Quotes such as, “I do not share his opinion,” and “No, I do not,” Albus said sternly stood out for me, because here the absence of contraction really sounds unnatural. This is basically surface mannerism. We read something in the books, get an impression of it in our minds, and try to imitate it. I think only finding his voice would help, and the words that would convey it should automatically come to you.
In the beginning I was a little doubtful of the way Remus behaves at times, especially his tendency to speak decisively and outrageously. But later on I realised, Remus at that time would probably be like that. He turns more sombre and calculated when he spends 12 years being friendless.
I think the idea of Remus "mission" was not finely constructed. It seemed to be an escape goat of a kind. That is if Sirius was to be given a reason to suspect Remus, lets have Remus go to the wolves. I think some exploration of that might have built it more credibly. At the moment whenever it is mentioned, it is almost like the characters don't know what the mission is. And if I remember correctly, that is the only reason of collision between Sirius and Remus (I maybe wrong though.) As always, it is your story of course. I noted some things though and here they are.
No criticism at all, Thani! You provided for a highly entertaining read. And I'll try my best to deliver a comprehnsive review as I recover myself. That was love, darling. My first concern as can be reasonably expected from many (I hope)of your potential reviewers is whether Scorpius is cut to be a Gryffindor. Its your story, however, and if you justify his house well, I'm good. But this is a important choice. So, please dont turn it just for the sake of it. It could be very very interesting if you wanted.
I love the dynamics of Albus and Scorpius. Since you start out in the seventh year, I really hope you'd show us some really monumental scenes to give an idea of exactly what their friendship is made of. In a short span, I think you credibly build several characters, including Albus, Scorpius and Rose. If you have been working on this chapter for a while, kudos for a job well done. If this was just a spurn of the moment thing, well, good for you!
I noted how Scorpius seemed to be the more impulsive of the duo, but loved it in the line when you show us that he frequently rubs off on Albus. You caught boys very well I thought. I saw that you repeated he word grin a lot, because Scorpius does a lot of it dont you think? And yet, I cant help grinning along with him. It was contagious. He's a heart-breaker. your Mr Malfoy.
Albus fascinated me very much. You show that he's a captain, but he himself seems to be captained a lot by his best friend. Which is just so adorable. You can see where his hesitation and wariness is coming from. I could easily pick up Harry in him, Hermione in Rose, in a reminscent sort of way, and not a deliberate way these things usually are shown to be offspring stories.
I love also how Albus compliments Scorpius on his feint. Is there a teeny possibility that Scorpius is really good at Quidditch than Albus. Oh the potential of this story line and characterisation. Merlin!
I'm a highly imaginative person and I make scenes in my mind a lot of the time. They are dramatic and exciting and scandalous but I sometimes find the right words dont spill on the paper from me. It varies from time to time, really. The concluding scene of this chapter was win. I cant crit it, because I just enjoyed the idea of it too much to view it without bias.
Brilliant. Fav. Waiting anxiously. Come again.
Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the review. I'm really sorry this wasn't updated sooner. I have to explain. This was the third site that I posted my story on, and while it was being looked at for validation, I kind of forgot about it. I will update as often and as consistently as the site will allow me from now on, so look for the next chapter. This review was AMAZING. Thank you so much for it, i'm really glad that someone really enjoyed it and caught all these small facets of the chapter. I'll be eagerly waiting to hear what you think of the next chapter. =D
Terribly upset I have been this whole of the week, and this read might just have been my saving grace. You keep saying you have to work with descriptions but I say you have the details so who wants description if you can still succintly make the point and make it stay in the readers mind. Chapter one stood out to me in that regard, where you credibly build Ditta and James and their opposing worlds. I smiled at the icing sticking to her nose. Although you are really telling, I guess it is just as much as showing. Loved the progression.
In this chapter, I was just reading every line in anticipation of when Ms Evans would make her honorary appearence. Ha! When you wrote This girl was, according to James, the most irritating girl in the world. I can bet you, nobody would have been smiling wider than me. The fifteen-sixteen years old love-making came off as very appropriate. And heart breaking. I think you wrote it incredibly well. I loved when James blushed into her neck. The way he flies into her window just proves he's a terrible romantic and this is the part that just might never really become old to read.
When the chapter had started, you almost had me fearing what Ditta was fearing about James not having feelings for her more than just being mates. So kudos to you for distracting me from the treat ahead.
About Sirius. Well, I just can't leave without offering something on him because although he wasn't a major appearence, I realise when you have a really firm grasp of characters or their background story or just their instincts, all of that comes off in the story whether you deliberately construct it that way or not. The way Sirius intrudes on James and Ditta's brief moment and James shakes him off, falls in place nicely with the idea that they had a row. As I observed Sirius, in your story he came off as a troublesome cousin you know. Like you know he's naughty and bound to make trouble but you just can't say anything to them because mum's shown you the eye, they won't be here very long, behave. I get the same vibe from James when he leaves the compartment in the train. Remus has more screen space and Sirius comes as provoking more thoughts in me. How come? ;)
Finally, Ms Evans. I said the love-making scene was heart breaking because thats how the knowledge of future some times is. How sad. As I'm reading that, I was thinking of shaking James and saying, how many hearts you gonna break, mate?! You are a fine tormentor, Carole. Fine indeed.
“At least one of us was keeping count,” he called back, looking over his shoulder and giving her a ghost of a grin. Ghost of a grin? You are holding back, really you are. I bet he would be grinning outright.
I'm anxious to know how far you will go with this story. I'm hooked.
Author's Response: First of all, thank you for such a long, well thought out review. It is much appreciated. I doubt my response will live up to your words.
About James ... I think you may have misunderstood my intentions with him. He's a bit of a flirt, but there's no intentional heartbreak involved. I know you have written James and Lily as miserable during Godric's Hollow - whether due to being cooped up, James' philandering, or Lily secretly pining after Sirius or Remus - I don't know, but I don't see James that way. The point of the sex scene, in fact, was to show how different he was from Sirius, because Sirius can't wait to get away from the girl once he'd had his fun, but James was anxious to stay. I kinda think you'll be disappointed with chapter 3, but well, it's my story - LOL.
There's actually only one more chapter. It was supposed to be a oneshot, but once again I got too involved in the story and the characters.
I am pleased you thought the sex scene was realistic. I get so annoyed with first times being universally wonderful, with stars exploding and string quartets serenading the happy couple. Far too Mills and Boon for my liking. A bit of realism especially when they're only sixteen.
,br> Anyway, despite the fact that I'm fairly sure the end can't live up to you expectations, I do hope you read it. It should be up fairly soon. Thanks again, Akay ~Carole~
Only I meant by the heartbreak that there is a possibility in a year or two James might end up with another girl. Since you also dont put up a AU warning, I believed wholeheartedly that you were showing a glimpse of James's life we usually dont get to, which it so happens this time includes a girl, and romance. :) I had to write heartbreak because the scene was so well done. Because if there really was a possibility that James were going to date Lily later, then it would break his heart too, like you wrote when he's almost near emotions while leaving. I guess I had to feel about things that may of course not just make appearence in your story (well, it is Other Pairing) because the whole build up to it, you know Ditta's concerns about James seeing her as a girl. I guess, I'm thinking above and beyond. But isn't your story making me? I suppose that makes it a compliment.
In addition to what you say about James' and Sirius' reaction after sex, well, I was also thinking how it is that the girl each of them chooses says a lot about them too, doesn't it?
And I can't not like the final chapter. Because I love James and Lily but well, I'm always pinning for something different.
P.S: I don't see James as philanadering in my story either. They are miserable, yes, and I'd say more than that, a degree confused due to the changes that are coming in their lives which they didn't anticipate/are finding it hard to mould in.
Author's Response: Ah, okay. I guess I mistook 'heartbreaker' to mean philanderer and I want James to be a sympathetic character in this, cause I like him - despite everything. Yes, I agree about Sirius and James' choice of girlfriends, although I think Sirius was definitely up for a bit of flirtation with Dita - hee hee. Thanks again. Good to have clarification. ~Carole~
Yeah it's not right. Not fair. I love how Snape's debate with himself leads to find both like and dislike in a trait of her. For his sake, I feel that he's strong to make himself into a stone when even the slightest reminder makes him come crashing down. He shows that tendency here and he shows it of course in Jo's novels. Lily turning away from him towards the end must have hurt more than this I find myself thinking as I read the last paragraphs. After seeing his form, I find a little heartless of her to dismiss him and have the gall to encourage the doe towards the stag.
Your story broke my heart a little. Nicely written.
Read this at the SBBC forums. It was brilliant. Loved it. Each of the characters hold their own fort and incredibly as a result of your clarity and writing skill, the dynamics are even more wonderful.
The sort of piece to stay in your mind. Good work.
Author's Response: Thanks so much! I really appreciate that you took the time to read it in the SBBC and to review it here. I'm really happy with the way it turned out. Thanks again!
You did not!
What is it with you, lady? You're killing off potential pairings, you are! First Leo, then Benjy. Unforgiveable.
I'll write something more detailed later, when I'm not relishing this off somebody's else' computer. The reason why I missed your other story I suppose is that you've written it under this penname which I'd forgotten about entirely.
The story was brilliant. Your style shone through of course. It was interesting to observe that Benjy and Minerva they are quite similar personalities aren't they? They are equally reluctant (the way they try at least) and eager (but they wouldnt say) to be with each other. Also the way Benjy spoke to Sirius and James about how the Order recruitment was not a game, I couldnt help but thinking that after Minerva warns Harry in OOTP about Umbridge, she'd go back in her room and think about Benjy of this evening in a london bar. They don't understand is what both of them seem to be saying inwardy.
I can't love you enough for including Sirius and James and Lily ("put you hand down! - ingenious) and it just made the story longer and enjoyable of course.
I always see that you don't describe things in too detail. But even as the story started, I had such a vivid idea of families waiting on the platform for their men to appear. Yes, my imagination there might not be totally my own, of course I couldnt help but picture the movie Peal Harbour, but with regards to writing, I think it takes some measure of talent and hard work to be able to knock the reader with the right details from head on so they can fill in the other blanks by themselves. I think those are the stories where readers usually find themselves totally engaged. Have I been to a platform waiting for a father, brother coming back from duty? No. But I knew what it was like when MInerva was there.
Thank you for this beautiful read!
Author's Response: Well, I've taken forever not responding to this. Sorry. Yeah, the Pearl Harbour thing. Oodly enough, that's the only thing remotely tied to my 'history'. I'm Japanese-American, so whenever I write anything tied even slightly to WW2, I go back there. Always. I'm really, really glad you liked this. It was, surprisingly, easy to write, and that hasn't happened to me ever. Okay, I lie, I went through a couple drafts, but the idea never shifted. It's scary how we're on the same page here, Akay, on so many things. I'm weird, okay, but whenever I read HP and matched calendars, I realised all the wars meshed together and that was creepy. Yeah, as I say, a Marauder fic is so difficult to write and polish off. That is, if that happens at all for me. It's weird that you mention Leo because I've been struggling on how to rewrite that one so it blends with this. I'm so glad that you like it and that you get it. Thank you for reading it and not thinking I'm insane.
Besides the part where Lily is crying, the chapter was a refreshing read. Not that I dont see her as the sort to cry but I loved the way you started, the apparant casualness of it all and the feel of anticipation you get simultaneously that nothing is ever casual between them, is it? I wasnt expecting the embrace and so it was a bit surprising. I'd have liked the directionless dialogue to have gone on for a bit. Marie is sweet and I love the fact that she's a Hufflepuff. Its so easy to like her. Its sad James would probably break one heart or another.
Lily's concern are very nicely expressed, and I felt how they might be drawing her down. Interesting first chapter.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! The problem with the directionless dialogue is that it is just that: directionless. I wanted to continue it for a bit too, but I decided not since it had pretty much no point. :) I like Marie, too! Thanks again for reading. <3Mere
Nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award in Best General Story.
two words: clever and brilliant
Author's Response: Thank you :)
Your summary was drawing. I liked how you delved head first in the story. "Ron was still". Half of my attention only was actually on the story and I went down reading three sentences and then I snap and think, 'what?' I start reading again and oh, Ron is dead. I say aw. It was a nice read.
Author's Response: I'm sorry you said "aw" but I'm glad it was a nice read!! The whole "Ron was still" was just a way for me to start the story . . . it only dawned on me that by starting this way Ron was going to be dead, and that was going to be the story.