love teddy's emotions. also how he and vic are. its a sweet tale and i love it!
the best part was teddy brushing his against the 'moony was here' carving... *smiles dreamily*
the title caught me, actually. i expected teddy to be like a first year or second year on most. but then as the story developes, its different i see. i'm not sure if u intended to do it or not, but during the first half of the fic, the thoughts running in teddy's head actually tell us that he was brought up without parents. they were childish in a way, as if there was actually something lacking in his life. :). ...
brillaint! excellent expression.
update soon. you did a very well job here...
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I owe the title to wewillmissyou at the forums. :D I\'m glad that you like his emotions. I was a bit nervous about if they were portray well enough or not :/. Thanks again! -Kat
wow, Anna. you know what, its the name that does it. the first time i saw your story on the page i was like, Anna is good, but is theodore?
i should have known that if you were writing amybody it'd be good!
Cho was unexpected, but realistic. i particularly like the interaction with Ab and Theo.
i like his vulnerabilty towards firewhisky. that made the whole thing very believable.
P.S: Azkaban, han? hmmm...
Author's Response: Oh, wow, Akay. Thank you so much. I\'m really glad you like this. I hadn\'t written any of these characters before, and I certainly never thought if I did they would be put in a story together, but sometimes you just have to follow your bunnies and see where they hop. ;D Thanks so much for the lovely review!
Ah, nice ending, Anna. When I started with this chapter, I was expecting something in addition to Theo's meeting with Rabastan. But then I read the ending, Cho and Ab, and I'm like, 'now its perfect.'
Okay, now an overall. I have said this before that we havent had much of Theo in canon, so it was very brave of you to get on with the character and weave something realistic and enjoyable out of it.
What I enjoyed the most: Aberforth Dumbledore. Wonderfully written. Sometimes I'm reading his dialogues and there's this very clear touch, a vague feeling of reading something that Albus would say. Brothers, right?
You got him perfectly. His dialogues, gestures, tones, obession (goats! I'm not laughing).
Enjoyed it very much. Thanks for the story.
Author's Response: Wow, thanks very much, Akay. I was a little uncertain how to tie everything up, but then I sort of decided to leave things fairly loose, but still show Theodore where he belongs. :)
I had so much fun with Aberforth. I\'ve always found him amusing, with his goat obsession, but I\'d never gotten around to writing him. Yes, he and Albus are definitely related, so I\'m glad that came through. But he is also his own person, a little gruffer than his older brother, but still smart in his way.
Thank you again for your lovely reviews. :D
oooh, Melissa, i was wondering when someone was going to write about Sev's amortentia... and after reading this, i'm happy!
nice memories... the line from the summary just caught my words in my throat! :D
Author's Response: I always wondered what he would have smelled too, so I just made it up myself! Glad you liked it! =D
Oh Maia, I love it!
It's so sad and orignal, you know. I particularly like the idea of Neville throwing away the wrappers. Poor.
I like your exploration of Neville's this dark and unstable side. The fact that its been years now and he hasnt been able to get over their insanity is so touching.
The first person POV makes it even better.
On another note, I've written on Neville too, Getting Across, my response to Seasons Change prompt. The Neville in my story also argues with Augusta and he works in a Diagon Aley shop too!
well, thats that.
But your story made me sad. I liked Hannah too!
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m glad you found it original. I guess I just find some authors underestimating Neville as a character; I think he deserves a lot more. Which was why I wanted to explore his darker side.
I\'ll have to give your Neville story a read too!
I\'m sorry I made you sad, lol! Thank you so much for such a positive review! :)
Very nice, Phily. Specially loved the ending. Unexpected, innocent and thoughtful :D I've always enjoyed reading the variety of strong bonds shared by the trio. In your one-shot, Hermione refering to Ron as her husband as well as best friend, Harry refusing to accept Ron's death, Hermione feeling sad at Harry's absence, are all very touching and well-written.
I also think you very beautifully pulled the references to the colours. There are some very orignal scenary and descriptions you used. It keeps the reader hooked.
The downside was its length :)
I'd have loved some elaboration of the title. It could very well have been your style, but as I got attached with the fic, I was also hoping for some more details, Ron's sickness, maybe an event in between when Hermione tries to contact Harry.
And perhaps, if you can find the urge and a plot bunny, a sequel. Maybe :)
good job there.
Author's Response: Haha! A sequel may be interesting... :) I will bear that in mind for when I get time to write some more. This was exciting for me because as many can see, I haven\'t written anything for mnff in a long time! I\'m glad the prompt for the challenge gave me a plot bunny and I had a chance to go with it. Thanks for the comments and I\'m glad you liked it! *hugs* Phily :)
What did you change? I was rereading it slowly trying to relish in what I remember from before, but then suddenly I was at the end of the page and it doesn't seem different. May be you added something in the last paragraph? Or is it my imagination that Lily seemed to say 'I love you' 'I hate you' more this time then I remembered from before?
Author's Response: Nothing's changed, as far as I know. I hope it hasn't suddenly disappointed you!
Do you know that I'm so utterly intimidated by the brilliance that is your writing to make my brain come around to respond comprehensively as opposed to praise, praise, praise!
I loved it in Red I love it here: your choice of writing selected scenes. So it does totally leave me uncontended, and I want to beg you to write everything in between, but I love it nonetheless. It serves purpose to your attempt at Petunia and Remus' character developement. And it works. Sometimes little is enough to make a huge, lasting point.
Okay. So I'm going to express a little of my misery. I love the idea of meaning hidden behind subtle words and I assure you I can in 85% circumstances understand and critique on it, but I'm lost when trying to discern your title. What does Blue imply? In Green I could link the parallels in Lily and Snape's feelings very well, but Petunia and Remus... maybe it is because I havent read any far ahead. Hmm. I'll keep thinking about this.
I LOVED Petunia. It took five paragraphs to understand who the girl was since I hadnt read you beginning note, but wow. The sweetest thing: Money. After I finished reading it, I kept saying 'Money' and 'Monet' and smiling at how wonderfully the idea of a child mistaking the name seems to fit.
The way you describe Petunia's thoughts, it is not hard to see how it is likely that this is the girl who grew up in the young girl we see in DH. I have also seen/read/heard how first children find it hard to adjust to the new sibling in the family.
...and that night Petunia hid in the cushions of the couch and cried by herself, and she looked at the picture because it was quiet and pretty and had no crying in it, and through her tears the colours blurred even more. And she thought that if she closed her eyes tight enough she could find Mummy and Daddy again and they would go for a picnic with the fairies like the little girl did in the book, and that Mummy the good witch wore her big blue dress and Christmas-tinsel in her plaited hair.
Oh my my. That was wonderful.
She was tiny and bald and pink and wrinkly and sleeping... and she didn't look like a flower at all.
Still, sometimes when no-one was looking, she would pick up the witch rag-doll and rock it the way Mummy rocked the baby, and sometimes tried to sing it the same songs. Sometimes she imagined that the rag-doll could come on the fairy-picnics too.
You seemed to have picked on EVERYTHING young girls do! It made the story so very realistic.
I love how your words flow, rockinfarie. There is a ryhme in every other sentence and works brilliantly. Obviously this style is evident in Green and Red also to an extent. I'm glad by the thought that I can probably pick YOUR piece of writing among ten anonymous ones.
"It's..." he begins, forcing those jagged and familiar pieces from himself. "It's... his third birthday. Today." He looks at Dumbledore, tears crawling down his dry face as a jumble of forgotten emotions splash over uncontrollably and scald him. "He's three. Today."
Chapter two was a good attempt too. I really like your reflection on the issue of Remus fending for himself. It was very touching. Before this I barely gave a thought to Remus before we see him as a professor in Hogwarts. Like I said, wonderful choice of scenes.
And the way Hagrid still hasn't learned his own strength.
Such a true and powerful detail. And standing alone, i.e without a paragraph it did wonders to the effect it created. Great job!
He answers readily, but vaguely. Odd jobs. A bit of traveling. Lots of reading. That sort of thing.
I like how you sometimes write indirect speech as opposed to dialogue. It creates a balance, and it's nice to read it differently like this in between.
"His hair's sticking up!"
I COULD HUG YOU! :D
This part was so awesome I almost cried with happiness.
He couldn't see her expression as she left the arm of the chair to go to the dresser, and picked up the five mugs Remus had intended to bring outside.
I find your stories well-rounded and one of the reasons is the this quote above. There is never a sense of stagnation in your narration. Dialogue will start to take pace, and then by the continuation of a description you will bring us back to the room, and everything around the characters. From Red on this note, I recall the fireworks scene.
I love your work, dear. It is just brilliant. I'm afraid as I warned you before there would be nothing close to critique about this review.
So this is the bottomline: your is the kind of fanfiction one might read again and again and again. Because everytime something different will catch your eye, and a new lesson will be learned.
Thank you for all your wonderful pieces. I don't know where in the world I have been, but I promise when you update again I'll be among the first to review.
When I read this, I was Sirius. My heart beat was his and his emotions were mine.
Liked it very much
Author's Response: Wow, that is such an amazing compliment. Every writer dreams of being able to draw the reader in that much to the story. Thank you so much for your review.
I think you're a brilliant writer. I found the rest of the story on ff.net. I had to look for it because I couldn't wait. I really really enjoyed each and every chapter of this, especially the last one, especially in that part where Sirius confesses about not attending funerals and about the thing about Marlene. Your characters are so alive and animated with quirks and your descriptions are really very awesome. I loved the tone, the poignant background and I simply loved how you incorporated some humour in that. That's what made this so sad for me to read. I read this a few hours ago and I'm still a little quiet from this encounter. A solid feeling of reality comes from your characters, the fact that they are surviving in the war and even when the moments are precious, something that occurs again and again is that people don't profess much upfront and the feelings that most bother them (in a good or bad way) remain unsaid inside them. I liked how there wasn't so much as tension between Marlene-Gideon-Sirius but more they really come off as realistic and breakable in their attitudes, like each of them were thinking subconsciously that I'll take what comes to me, like they are too afraid to reach out for what they want because you never know that you could lose it.
I absolutely loved this line here:
". . . and so maybe it was better this way, even if Sirius Black was breaking her heart without even paying attention and even if Gideon kept pinning his dreams on the sleeve of one pretty face or another, especially redheads"
I loved how this sentence seemed to go on for the length of a paragraph. People often say to cut such into smaller sentences. But there's just so much emotion coming from this line, it's brilliant, amazing.
Hope you still write -
"Able to feel Albus's pain"... hmm, if that meant sitting in front of the computer screen frozen, a painful knot in stomach, a small hopeless smile on my face, then sure you managed to accomplish that. I'm so incredibly touched. As I said on the forums, I was worried for Albus in chapter one, but yeah, saddened this time, because he's so strong and yet broken by his tragedy. I have read very few fictions that pull off one person's reflection on the death of their partner. You were flawless.
There is one small reason that adds to me liking Lost the way I did. Character choice. You choose Albus. Harry Potter's son. The little information we have of him from the Epilogue - you played with it ingeniously, and it's rather clever, because the saddness I feel has a lot to do with who the protagonist is. His family. His father. His apprehension, nervousness. It's very attention-catching considering that glimpse of him as a boy, and then reading your interpretation of what he grew up to become.
What dialogue! Brilliant job there. Albus's anger and darkness is very engaging. His temper is hereditary. Awesome characterisation. I love how you balanced Albus and Marcum as a couple. They complement each other's personalities. Albus, impulsive and brash. Marcum, cautious and easy-going.
He told Marcum how sorry he was for casting the first curse, for not blocking the bullet that had taken Marcum’s life, for not getting to St. Mungo’s fast enough. He told him about the trial and how angry it made him to see the three men from the pub go free. He told him how he had started going to Knockturn Alley and began seeing a group of Scorpius Malfoy’s friends. He told him how he had finally heeded their advice and taken justice into his own hands, punishing Marcum’s killers far more than the Muggle court had done with the Cruciatus Curse. He told him how sick it had made him, and how sorry he was, for what he had done and what he had become.
Oh how wonderfully expressed. The repetition is something that could either kill what you're trying to say, or make it remarkable. It flows effortlessly.
And you have left off at a cliff hanger. No!
Eagerly awaiting your next chapter.
Author's Response: Wow, that is one of the best reviews I have ever gotten! Thank you thank you! First, thank you for your input back on the forums, it really did help me out with this chapter, which is rather complicated, as you can see. And thank you for all the really constructive comments in this great review. I am so glad to know that you were touched by Albus's story. You picked up exactly on what I wanted to do with this character who was so nervous about being Sorted in the epilogue of DH. I really wanted to take this person, Harry Potter's son, and turn him on his head a bit. I wanted to show how he is similar to his father, and yet how he is different - namely, in how difficult it is for him to accept the death of a loved one, something that Harry had to deal with several times. I don't know about 'flawless' and it certainly wasn't 'effortless' as I worked very hard on this chapter, so I am thrilled and humbled by your compliments. I may be poking around the Hospital Wing again soon for more plot help as the next chapters are taking some strange turns. I really appreciate your help and that you came by the archive to read the final result. Thank you again for the amazing review! ~Gina :)
Aw. I mean I want to know if my life gets any better than this. I can take a print out of this, and curl into sleep with it. It's that good.
And in the back stood his father, looking more pale and frightened than Albus had ever seen him.
I have recently fallen in love with Harry - the adult Harry because I know the person I haver read about in the seven novels and yet, I think I know whom he turns out in later life too. And it's sort of the nice prediction that comes true in your story and I enjoy every moment of it. The descriptions of Harry later on, how he is aging were lovely, and touched me very much.
He trailed off as he saw his older brother shake his head almost imperceptibly.
Once again the dynamics between James and Albus is remarkable. It reminds me of the sort of relationship you have with your sibling when you are young and then the one you share with them when you grow older. I liked the reflection of that here.
“That’s not what I meant,” James frowned. “He’s used it too, you know – he might understand. I just don’t know how he’d feel if he knew we had it. He might be tempted to use it again.”
I cannot say how true to characters this line was! It tells so much about James because he understands his dad but maybe just enough of him, and beyond that he cannot say what Harry would think. I have always found this fascinating, that you can be family, but there are some things that you can just never predict with them, you wouldnt know what they would do in a circumstance even though you have lived with them your whole life. I am certainly sure that Harry would be not tempted in a bit using that stone. I think he has reached that standing, that stability in his life where he has made his peace with his losses. But it was interesting to see that James, his own son, would have a doubt about his father like that.
James rolled his eyes and conjured a sandwich for his brother.
Um, I didn't think food could be conjured. Gamps Law of Elemental Transfiguration?
Interesting chapter for a filler. This is where the focus of the story is now changing from Marcum to something that Albus can use to recover from the pain of losing him. What interests me is that I have absolutely no idea where this story is going from now, it's all behind the curtain. And about the fact that your story lengthened - well, that's just about perfect.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review, Akay! I'm so glad you liked it even though not much happened. I suppose I could have combined it with the next chapter but I like short chapters and I love cliffhangers so I didn't. :) Thank you for the comments on Harry, and on James and Albus in particular. What's so amazing to me is that I really didn't plan on a specific relationship like that for them - it literally just *happened* as I wrote. I love it when that happens in writing. They are really growing on me, those two. I still feel bad Lily isn't around much, but oh well! As for Harry using the stone - it depends on what's happened to him over the years, I think. I don't plan on messing with Harry until after this story, though, so I'd say he probably wouldn't either, at this point. ;) Good catch on conjuring. I was sure it happened at some point in the series but that is the rule, so let's just say James pulled it out of his pocket or something, shall we? *goes off to edit* ;) There are at least two more chapters, probably three. I hope the story goes somewhere you can follow, lol. I'm finding it all hard to believe it was born from a single scene so long ago, and has taken such turns. Thanks again for following it!! ~Gina :)
*breathes deeply* You know I'm in love with this, so why don't you keep writing like this, unless you want me to pull-an-Albus-stunt. Great chapter! It was short though *grumbles* yeah don't think I won't take notice of that between all the good parts.
Aw, James is the big brother I always wanted. You have given them each a character but somehow I end up relating, loving, enjoying the emotions better - the way they react given the kind of people they are, the upbringing they had, the person they have for a father. I know I have said this before, but this fact comes out so strongly when I'm reading it, the story is so alive because of that. I feel this warmth in me because yes Harry has the perfect family in the world, the thing he deserved the most. This time, you oh-so-casually bonded Marcum and the Weasleys into the circle as well and simply not in a way that I had the impression of from previous chapters. Back then, I felt there was a silent acceptance of Marcum. Here, you make us realise it was mutual and they were actually living that acceptance; he was a part of the family. Interesting but heart-wrenching.
I felt a little down when you revealed the person was James Sirius. At the end of last chapter, I was thinking it was James Potter Senior. I know! I'm insane, but somehow that's who came in my mind. I thought it'd be very interesting to see what you'd then. How Albus would react to it. But fact was how would you explain that? I'm weird.
But well, this was better. I liked James' thoughts about his upcoming marriage. It was interesting to see that he's a modest bloke and unlike the way I thought of him from school. So he's made the transition into maturity and Albus who is usually considered to be in those shoes, is not. How sad is that? Hmm.
Favourite line: “I know I can’t bring him back,” Albus said, and his eyes were haunted. “I just want to see him one more time.”
When you write, 'I just want to see him one more time' after the tag, it added so much to the emphasis the latter part deserves. It is like in the films, the emotional, heart-breaking part is said after a pause in a quiet voice. Loved it.
The ghostly voice though, I'm thinking it's Marcum. Is it? Bring on the next chapter soon!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for reading the new chapter, Akay! I'm so glad you liked it. To touch on several things. . . yes, the ghostly voice is Marcum. I hope that was clear. I tried to give a few small hints without stating it outright because I did want the reader to wonder a bit. Your comment about Marcum being accepted is extremely perceptive. I had a line in the first chapter about "Harry and Ginny suspected much more." However, I took that out after I wrote all those drabbles about Albus and Marcum because it seemed to me that it wouldn't have been a secret and their families would have accepted Marcum because he is really just such a nice guy. I think it took some of them a while - James admits it here - but I came to see that Marcum would have totally fit into the Weasley clan after I wrote those drabbles. Good catch. :) You know, I'm sure there is a way it could have been James Potter Senior - it is magic, after all! But I really wanted to show the bond between Albus and his brother, which is why I left it from James's point of view, something my beta asked about the first time she read it. I'm only sorry there is no place in this story for his sister. Plus I had to leave a few hints for the next chapter that only James Sirius could deliver - those comments about his fiancee were not just random hints into his life. ;) As for that next chapter, your nomination really did inspire me to finish this one and start the next one. I left a big hint in my end notes. ;) Thank you so much for that nomination, I'm so honored! And thank you for the great review, I'm thrilled you enjoyed it and hope you like how it turns out! Thanks again! ~Gina :)
Oh, Merlin. NO! You are going to kill him! I know you did that in 'Goodnight, Albus' but since they were glimpses and did not take place over a continous period, my reaction to the ending was surprise and saddness. But you do that here ... *cries* please, dont!
With James, his fiancee and 'Goodnight, Albus' I think I know where you're going with this. But beware - you will not be forgiven.
Author's Response: I love your reaction! Unfortunately, I must keep a straight face. ;) I will tell you that I was referring to a something else in the endnotes, so perhaps things won't turn out so bad after all. I must confess, though, that writing "Goodnight, Albus" was a good character study for this piece, and I'm a sucker for tear-jerkers. *innocent look* I've already written the penultimate scene (my beta suggested drabbling ahead to get a feel for where I truly wanted to take this, it was a great idea!) so if I've played my cards right so far, then you may know where it is going. . . or you may not. Muhahaha. Thanks for showing such interest, it helps to know there is a fan out there! :D
I noted a few things while reading this.
The door clicked shut behind you as you scurried away from the glaring windows of the castle.
As the dry autumn grass crunched under your trainers, you made your way to your tree.
I'm sure this is the style you like, actaully I love the POV, but the tense bothered me a little. For instance, I hoped it was present tense. That really gives the power factor to the narration. I become Remus. And I feel his feelings that way.
For example: As the dry autumn grass cruches under your trainers, you make your way to the tree.
So the grass is cruching under my trainers too, and I am making my way to the tree.
But thats just my view.
I'm unsure of your use of the wood worn with touch.
This description does not evoke anything in me, sorry. It actually doesn't seem plausible.
I must say you have handled Remus's erratic feelings very well. and convincingly too.
I liked this line:
That was the scary part of this addiction—your total loss of every intelligible thought that made you yourself
Because I think thats true for many addictions. Also it summarises Remus's fear of his vulnerability very nicely.
You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me!
Yeah, this is my question to you: How good can you get?
First, like many people probably pointed out to you: you have an unparallel niche for writing the Marauders. Very well-written characterisation. There are things we discuss about this quartet all the time on the forums, everything imaginable from the witty remarks, and jokes, and the brains for fun and all; you incorporate those in a single one-shot so effortlessly, it is commendable!
Remus was brilliant. I always thought that he may not take Potions, so seeing your fic that he was suffering with the subject was nice in itself. The whole idea of the one-shot pretty much was incredibly different, remembrable!
I loved your descriptions as well. The little details of the gestures really bring the narrative alive.
While I was smiling throughout, this is when I burst out laughing:
It was as if Sirius were fighting the unseen force again. “To see — Fuck!” And with the vulgarity, he stopped walking and turned to glare at James. “I was going to see Slughorn, thanks to you!”
I knew what was going on of course, the summary gave me the idea, and it was sort of predictable, but it's how you tell the tale, that I'm thinking: hold it, anything can happen here.
Thank you for putting Peter in his rightly place as the Marauder.
The very enjoyable part was also the ending. Cheers for doing a very good job!
Now... something that put me off.
I'm sorry. But this really didn't work for me. Nickname out of a nickname? I seriously think that both James and Sirius would've used Padfoot. Pads is just ... weird.
You didn't have to "strongly suggest" to review... you really deserve one from each who reads this brilliant Marauder one-shot.
P.S: I'm in the process of re-reading Daring. Another awesome piece :D
Author's Response: *shaking head in disbelief with a rueful grin* How good can I get? My self-esteem makes fun of me on a regular basis, telling me that if I string together two halfway decent sentences, it's obviously because I've had a dose of Felix Felicis that day. I'm glad you like the characterisations: I work on those more than anything, because if the characters don't work, the story collapses in on itself. Most of the time, I can 'see' the boys and try to add the gestures and expressions because I want everyone else to see what I'm 'seeing'. It makes me feel like I'm right there, and I want that for everyone. (Gosh, can you imagine being in a room with the Marauders at their most 'Marauder-ish'? How much fun would that be?!) As far as Peter is concerned, he couldn't have been trusted by the Marauders if he hadn't fit in with them and a lot of people don't see that. He couldn't have been as miserable and ratty and unlikeable as some people think, because otherwise Sirius would never have suggested he be the Secret Keeper. So, in my opinion (for whatever that's worth), he has to be just one of the guys--fun-loving, ready for anything, and trustworthy. Now, the 'Pads' thing? I have to admit, I am one who will shorten nicknames. A friend of mind had the nickname of 'Bubbles' (don't ask) and I typically called her 'Bub'. I named my son Matthew so I could logically shorten his name to 'Matt' but I call him 'Matty' or 'Matts'--just because I can. I know it's weird, but, there you go. I made art imitate life. I will never, never call Sirius 'Siri' though. THAT makes me shudder. Can't stand 'Remy', either, actually. How about if I promise not to do it again, though? Will you forgive me? Speaking of art imitating life, I was lousy in Potions, er, Chemistry. It was the one and only subject that I almost failed. As intelligent as I think Remus is, he had to have a weakness somewhere--so why not Potions? I'm glad that you thought it worked for the story. Thanks for the great review and the encouragment! - Diane P.S. Glad you're re-reading Daring. *musing* Someday I'm going to get back to that and add to it...
There were things about this one-shot that I understood and a couple that I didn't.
I'll tell you what I didn't get and then after your reponse, I'll post a proper review. So, here it is:
What was the significance of Iris as your title?
If I read it again, and most certainly will, but for now, this one-shot is situated a few years post-DH, right?
If you watch closely, you can see how the trick is performed. Explain. Or is it just something from the back of your mind.
Shortly for now: I am in love with this. It was so engaging, when I'd scrolled down enough to see your End Note, I groaned, because I didn't want it to end. Definitely a favourite. Never read a one-shot written on something that simple for the concept of fanfiction to actually start making sense.
Author's Response: What was the significance of Iris as your title? It's as simple or as multi-layered as you want it to be. Iris is the title of the song which the opening and closing quotations come from, is the easy answer. If I read it again, and most certainly will, but for now, this one-shot is situated a few years post-DH, right? It is. After Hermione marries Ron but before any of the Trio has any kids, so however many years that spans. If you watch closely, you can see how the trick is performed. Explain. Or is it just something from the back of your mind. Well, how does a magician does their tricks? It's mostly through misdirection - they make you watch their right hand so you don't notice what the left is doing - but if you watch closely, you can sometimes catch the left hand when it slips the coin into the magician's sleeve. So, there's something to look for, behind all the nice dialogue. I'm quite interested to see the full review.
Iris is the title of the song which the opening and closing quotations come from, is the easy answer.
I'm no expert at interpretations of lyrics, but this one seems to fit rather nicely to your one-shot.
So, there's something to look for, behind all the nice dialogue.
This is intriguing. Especially considering your response to jabantik. I did pick up the chemistry between Harry and Hermione and that certainly is 90% of the reason it engaged me the way it did. So in a way I am the 'sentimental' the songwriter refers to because I believe it is love too. You do say they finish their cake just as friends, but they aren't just friends. Hmm. You explore a very interesting subject. Wow. Uh - reflecting on your fiction raises so much possibility in their platonic relationship. Canonically we only got to see 19 years ahead. But this - this side of the two you show is to be expected after Ron's absence in DH. Jo's plot became very thrill-centric from then on. At the same time Harry and Hermione' transcended on a different level of friendship, which was unexplored in the novels for obvious reasons.
Hermione subjected herself to Harry's aid like Ron never managed to. And Harry calls her 'sister'. Your portryal of their extended canon characters is brilliant.
She reached up to brush the droplet away, and again an old memory threatened to surface, so he squashed it by changing the subject.
This indicates history.
He was genuinely puzzled. "You were in the Prophet the other week, it was shorter in the picture."
You have written Harry very well. He seems grown from the person we read about in the novels and more towards someone he became in the last pages in Dumbledore's office. But again mature, more observant.
Hermione dropped her eyes to read something on the menu, and Harry could hazard a guess at what she was thinking, having caught what she said.
*smiles frustrated* This is not fair! I sense here Hermione's weak affilation with dressing up in general. And is Ron's name being deliberately ignored here.
Today was the one day of the year he thought the most of what should have been their last year in school, but instead they spent the days aimless and scared, alone all across the countryside. It had rained like this, after Ron left - non-stop rain, drumming outside their tent, broken only by restless thunder.
Ah. Here it is.
My favourite line. Because the narration is unbelievably poignant and touching.
For a very brief second he could see the milk being stirred into the dark liquid in his mug, turning it a deep brown (like eyes, at a very close distance) and then to tan (like the skin of a tanned shoulder), but he pushed those thoughts from his mind.
I'm determined to think this is Hermione's eyes and her shoulder. But I could be wrong...
A touching piece, really. Unique and well expressed. I'd love to see a prequel to this, something that explains the unspoken words.
Quite a fine line between a writer and a magician. Hmm.
Harry and Hermione have such an complex relationship - as do any two people with such a strong familial bond that aren't family, I would think - and its depth is a subject that interests me a great deal.
It's interesting you like the lines about the rain and the thunder so much, since I wrote and re-wrote those over and over to get it exactly right (and I'm still not completely sure I managed it), and then you go to make mention of my favourite line (about the milk in the coffee). You would be right about whose eyes and shoulder is being thought of there, too.
I think there's an explanation of what happened, but it doesn't need a prequel to bring it out. I really like this magician idea - through careful omission, subtle symbolism, and partially-completed thoughts, a writer can make the elephant in the room disappear.
I took your small one-shot in two parts. Two parts that have their own significant standing.
She had slapped him hard around the face; he’d raised his hand intent on retaliation. However, there was something about her shock, her cowering in front of him and his stance that reminded him strongly of his father. He had lowered his hand and stormed out into the night.
First off, wow. The 'had' narration, I believe this is the past perfect tense, really annoys me. But the tension here surpassed any grammatical pet peeve of mine. This is such a natural and relatable moment that reading this my heart pounds with Snape's emotions. You very cleverly bring to the readers' focus this particular memory. But it is so powerful, I stopped a few seconds to read a few things between the line.
Severus Snape watched from the window as James lifted a giggling Lily onto the train.
Uff! Carole, the heart break you inflict.
But spectacular again. I love you for your succint description here. Because it left me uncontended. And I refer to briefness not just in the word count but the portryal of Lily and James relationship. Lily has embraced heaven while Snape suffers through hell. Oh my. *closes eyes and dreams*
Okay and I cannot leave without commenting on this:
Suddenly, he was knocked to one side as a trolley barged through the barrier. Sitting atop three trunks was Sirius Black. A cloak fashioned from a large Gryffindor flag flowed from his shoulders. He looked, if possible, even more handsome, even cooler and even more reckless. Pushed by Remus and Peter, the trolley came to a halt in front of a gaggle of girls some of whom were applauding as Sirius leapt off the trolley. He looked across to his parents and gave them a mock salute.
You! I wonder sometimes WHO you are more smitten with! Sirius or Remus. You have to leave something devilishly handsome for us to write about Sirius too, you know.
Loved it. A job well done.
Author's Response: Lily has embraced heaven while Snape suffers through hell. - I bow to your phraseology here, Akay. That sentence was beautiful. Thank you for an AMAZING review. It's made my heart leap!
Past perfect tense - yeah, you could be right, it's a bit clumsy looking but it happened to fit that particular set of sentences because he was reliving it. I wonder sometimes WHO you are more smitten with! Sirius or Remus. I don't know either. :D
Thank you again. Carole xxx
Well, reading your story I sort of had a Harry moment:
Dudley running to catch him one summer. Harry sprinting away, and Dudley barely able to break into a run. He’d stopped halfway around the park and had doubled over. Fat and unfit, Harry had always thought.
Dudley wheezing. Dudley with rasping breath.
My friend. She had this breathing problem when we were young. We'd go to school by bus, and winter mornings were sometimes really merciless, and everybody despite being in their jumpers would shut all the bus windows. And then my friend (it's surprising that we didn't used to get along those days) she would open her window wide. Eveybody complained and groaned at her, and she'd often become teary eyed and say that she couldn't breathe. I truly never thought about this till I read your first chapter... and I was touched reading Harry's thoughts. So first off, this is great what you've done here and will certainly accomplish when this fiction is through. I applaud you for your intent.
The second chapter is written more from Ginny's. What I've tried to do is cut out my emotions or rather squish them down into the fic, because otherwise it was becoming far too much about me and not about Ginny.
I feel utterly miserable of my POV comment earlier, now that it has magnificently dawned on me how sentimental this experience must be for you. In an attempt to do justice, I reread chapter one. And as I partially expected this is what:
You used third-person ominscent POV, encompassing the thoughts and senses of multiple. But I found chapter 2 flowing in this narrative better than chapter one. Know why?
This idea can be a pure bias, I warn you. So, I think there was a lot going on in chapter one, you were introducing the problem, and events were pacing rather swiftly. Like I said at the Badger Bar, descriptions are my weakness when reading fanfiction and I guess I expected some more. My wish was granted in chapter two, it flowed brilliantly.
First person POV would have been excellent, but I appreciate the fact that distancing yourself away from Ginny's characterisation would be ardous given your connection to the theme.
I think this is a very demanding fiction. Because you have to manage information with emotion. Congrats Carole, because I think you have captured that perfectly. There was such a nice balance between the two, I really enjoyed reading this. I'm not straying quite far in the story because every one in a while but very subtly you drop it fact about asthama. And it doesn't seem out of place. Good job.
I loved Harry and Ginny's exchange. Jo said they are soul mate and you've written their understanding and concern for each other very nicely.
“My mum was Muggle-born but, as you know, she died very young, so I’m not sure if she was affected.
Do you think it'd be better as 'asthmatic'?
The nurse had eyed Ginny’s wand and, remembering how fiercely Mrs Potter had played Quidditch, had lowered her wand.
How about: The nurse had eyed Ginny's wand, and remembering how fiercely Mrs Potter used to play Quidditch, lowered her wand.
Awaiting your next chapter. *hugs*
Author's Response: Akay, first off don't feel miserable about your comment. It's an opinon and itwas one I was interested in and you have every right to make. Secondly, thank you for taking time to reread and review. It really means a lot to me that people even bother so *hugs*. I'm glad you're enjoying the fic although I have to say I wouldn't have thought of this if it hadn't been on the MNFF boards as a challenge so thank you MNFF beta boards :-). I'm pleased you picked up on my descriptions, it is something I have to make a particular effort with. I shall look at your nit picks. I'll probably leave the first one becvause I kinda know what I meant (LOL) but the Ginny one shall be changed. Thanks again. Carole xxx