I'm never really here but I appreciate reviews, they make life a little brighter. I try to pop in from time to time, but I'm terribly sorry that I'm neglecting MNFF.
A shout out to any people still reading my wimsy little pieces. =D
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Hmm, very nice and sweet, but I'm not into shipping S/L. Its still a very nice poem though.
Here's just one suggestion:
But I see the hope. I see the light
Maybe you should just make it one line, I think it would look better that way, and put a dash or comma where the period is. Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore.
Anyways, like I said before, very sweet.
*off to read the rest*
This one was really nice. Very sweet too, just like the last one. I think I may like this one better than the last one though because it's J/L. My fave line:
I pretend I write this not for you, but for some other guy
With what we've seen of James and Lily's relationship in the book, that seems to be a perfect *Lilyline*, if that makes sense. Will the next one be from James?
Author's Response: Yes, the next one is actually from James. I think there are over 10 poems total so far. My favorite ones are still to come though.
Wow, this is excellent. Although I'm not a Dramione shipper (sorry, I ship only canon), I admit you wrote it in a way that makes it seem as if he really was crushing on 'Mione. My only critique is that every line ends with a period when several lines are not quite finished and continue. I'd say to use some commas and dashes is some of those places. Other than that though, great job (again). Keep writing!
Great poem, I liked how you used the paths. They are symbolic of the choices he has and will continue to make. His determination was made clear. I believe in the third stanza a comma should separate the lines, not a period. And in the fifth stanza the first line may flow better if it were just one line. But those are just my thoughts. As always, great job. Keep up the amazing work! ^^
Author's Response: Glad you like it. Yeah, I had made some last second changes before submitting it so I didn\'t really proofread it all that well. But I\'ll take a look at it! I truly appreciate the (kind) honesty. There\'s more coming still!!
Author's Response: ---I went back and changed the third stanza, However, I\'m leaving the fifth stanza. I understand what you\'re saying, but I had it there for the speaker\'s effect of how he was thinking. It seems right to me that he would pause after saying \"I made my choice,\" as if it were final. But I appreciate the input!! Thanks a bunch.----
Oh wow, Ithis poem is amazing. The idea was wonderful, and you did a great job of using the frozen picture as a symbol of their relationship. And I like that you are now writing about different characters. I can't wait until you update. ^_^
Author's Response: update coming soon, hopefully! :P i\'m glad you like it.
Ooo very nice. And I'm sure Severus did feel at least a teensy bitty bit bad.
I want this vacant feeling gone and peace again Iíll find.
I don't know about the second half of the line- I think you could word it a little better...but that's just me...
I want this place away from me leaving not a trace.
This line is nice but again I think you could word it differently, cuz you personify the place by saying it will leave. Maybe "I want to leave this place without leaving a single trace." or something would make more sense.
I don't want to sound mean or overly critical, these are just things that jumped out at me when I was reading this. Feel free to ignore the suggestions if you wish.
Anyways, I did like the poem, and I hope that you update soon. These are always short and enjoyable to read. ^_^
Awww, how very sweet. My fave line:
I like how you make me feel secure
When youíre by my side
Very sweet and romantic. I'm not sure whether James would be able to write something as fluffy as this, but it is still a good poem. Are you planning on posting any more? Will there be different characters or are these poems centered on characters from the "marauder era"?
Author's Response: There\'s over 10 poems so far, from different characters from Marauder era all the way to the Trio\'s time at Hogwarts. And yeah, I don\'t really think James would actually WRITE something that fluffy, but you know it\'s obvious he was head-over-heels for Lily. So it seemed appropriate. Thanks a bunch!! There\'s more coming soon.
So, this is about someone in love with a Death Eater? Nice idea, and very well written. Had anyone specially in mind when wrting this? Just asking cuz I usually do, even though the poem doesn't reveal who it is.
So like I said, nicely written, and the format is great for the poem. Great job. ^_~
Author's Response: No, I didn\'t really write this with anyone particular in mind. I had several people in my mind *vaguely*, but I\'ll keep them to myself. ;)
And it doesn\'t have to be about someone who was in love with a Death Eater. Perhaps it is a sister, or a nephew, or a friend. It\'s totally open to your interpretation. :D Thanks for the nice review!
This is awesome. I loved how you took such a great part of my fave HP book (so far...DH may soon replace it!) and showed us another POV. And Ginny's thoughts on Harry were nice, since she said so herself that she never gave up on him in HBP. So great job.
Omygosh this was wonderful. You incorporated so many different styles in the poem and it makes it interesting to read. My fave part is the end:
The only way to remember is to forget.
The only way to love is to hate.
The only way to heal is to hurt.
The only way to survive is to die.
There is no other way.
Not for you or for me.
The only way to survive is to die.
Now thatís my prophecy.
Very powerful words, and some are very true. Although I do agree with you, Harry probably doesn't feel this strongly against his destiny.
I like how you used repetition in several parts. And I liked how you added the prophecy- it really added something (don't ask me what cuz I don't know the word) to the poem.
The only thing I must pick on is this line:
The whole world weighs down on me,
But why cannot I see?
To me it doesn't really make sense- gramatically. I know what you're saying but I believe the "cannot" should be a "can't." I also noticed that in the prophecy, "For" has two f's - you spelled it "Ffor."
By the way, I liked that you used "uncouth" in the poem. I don't know what it means but it's a cool word.
Anyways, fantastic poem. Why have people not reviewed it?
Author's Response: Humph. I typed out this whole long response last night and my computer deleted it. I was too tired to redo it last night so here goes: Thank you so much for your review! Your the first one! Yaaay! The reason no one has reviewed it yet is that it was just validated and my internet had shut down for a few days so I didn\'t have time to publicize it on the MNFF Beta Boards. I\'m glad you liked the many styles in my poem. I thought it made the confusion clearer and more visual. That\'s one of my favorite verses too. I agree that it is very powerful and strong. I guess \"But why cannot I see?\" is kind of awkard. I might have to change it to \"can\'t.\" Thanks for the suggestion! Hmmm...I wonder how thoses double f\'s got in there. Its fixed! I\'m glad you liked the word \"uncouth!\" For future reference, it basically means confused and awkward. Thank you so much for taking the team to leave a meaningful review! The constructive criticism really helped me!
Ohmygosh you can just imagine creepy little kids singing this. Very nicely dark. It's really well written. Good job. ^^
Author's Response: Little kids dressed in black robes with candles singing in adorable voices.... *shudders* I\'m so glad you liked this! Thanks for reviewing!
So romatic and sweet. I'm sure James felt this way, but I don't think he could have ever expressed his feelings in such a fluffy way. My fave lines:
I could watch you forever,
Until the stars turned to dust,
I would give you the sun,
But then what could so beautifully reflect gold on your crimson hair?
Or perhaps the stars,
But your brilliant emerald orbs so desperately put them to shame...
Such a heart-touching and lovely poem! Amazing job!
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I\'m glad you liked it. And I agree, I\'m not sure James would have been able to write a poem like this (maybe not at all...) but I thought it would be a nice idea anyway.. ^^;
Donít you dare smirk at me, boy.
HA HA love the ending- such a *motherly* thing to say.
I find this poem to be kind of funny but sad at the same time- cuz of how she scolds him and all but it describes the broken relationship between Sirius and his family.
But a rebelís heart was born that day
YUP- that's Sirius. You did such a good way from descibing him, and it seems as if it really is his mother's point of view. Excellent job! ^^
Author's Response: I\'m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for taking the time to leave a review!
Woah, Bellatrix apologizing to the world? Hmmmm.... Interesting idea and very well-written poem. The repetition of As I lie dying fit in some places, but seemed a little awkward in others. Although I usually enjoy rhyming poems, you did a good job of writing it so it was still a poem, not a bunch of sentences. Great job on this, it was a great read for me. ^_~
Author's Response: Thanks for the compliments. I\'m glad you enjoyed it.
About the repetition, my beta also suggested changing some of it. I left it the way it was out of personal preference, but I still might considering editing it later.
Thanks so much for leaving a review!
So dark, beautiful, sad, pretty, brutal. I wonder who it is of. Gray eyes hinted Draco- maybe Lucius? I didn't really understand it, maybe because I don't know who it was of. I still really liked the poem/story though. As I read the ending again, I was like- woah! brutal.
Brilliant poem. Great job. ^_^
Wow, the ending was very powerful. I liked how you used those lines that described her progression as a Slytherin, from when she really wasn't one to when she died as a true Slytherin. Very creative. ^^
The only thing I must pick on is the way some of the stanzas ended with incomplete thoughts and the reader has to read the next line to finish a sentence. Although I do know that that is a style of writng, maybe I'm just not a fan of it.
Another thing- Voldemort let a muggleborn become a Death Eater??? I'd need more details...that's an interesting idea, and I bet it would make an intersting story. ^_~ Overall, it was a great poem.
Author's Response: *squee* Thank you so much! Concrit = <3 Yeah, I see what you mean. I don\'t know if it\'s a style of writing or not, I just tend to do that sometimes. *shrugs* He didn\'t really know. She was utterly ashamed to be a Muggleborn and was very loyal. she pretty much disowned her family and changed her name so that no one could trace her back to the,. She was an extremely devoted Slytherin. Yay, I\'m so glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing :D !
Sweet story. I wish there was more to it. ^^
Great poem. It is Ginny's POV, am I correct? A question about the dove before I go on- was it supposed to be symbolic of their love? Because it wasn't extremely clear why you added the dove. And later in the poem you mentioned revenge... was Harry getting revenge because of his own terrible life and taking it out on Ginny?
I like how you used those "remember" questions at the beginning of some of the stanzas. It gives the poem a before/after, past/present sort of theme.
A stanza I thought was brilliant was:
There were ghosts, there were wings,
But you never even stopped to think,
That there had once been angels and ash.
Excellent choice of words, excellent poem.^^
Return to me, from beyond the veil, across the sea of darkness that divides us.... When Sirius falls, his lover repeats a phrase that is both plea and prayer. Return to me....
So sad, I loved the format of the poem, and the super-short lines. It was a great style. Excellent job. ^^
Author's Response: When it comes to free verse, I like to break it up, shape the words into whatever pattern seems to fit, so thank you for liking it!
The ending line was excellent, first off. Haunted by your motherís sweet lullaby. It ends the poem on an eerie, bittersweet note.
What would've been a really nice addition to the poem (I think) was if you added some of Lily's lullaby in italics in between the first few stanzas before she died. Initially I had thought that this poem was Lily's lullaby, so I was a bit confused. Another line I liked was : Surrender to your motherís loving song. Great job on this piece. ^_~
Author's Response: THe last line was supposed to be eerie, that was my intention. I\'m glad that\'s how it came out. The idea of Lily\'s lullaby, I think that\'s really good. I should try that. I\'ll give it a shot.Thank you, I\'m glad you liked it, and thank you for the suggestion. ~Servatis a pereculum. Servatis a maleficum.