This piece was exceptionally written. Your description made the words leap of the page and I was sucked into this story almost immediately. I think my favorite part was your repeated use of "Mary, Bloody Mary". To that end, I particularly liked that throughout the piece, you used ellipses following that phrase and at the very end, you ended it with a period. Very nice!
I'll admit it: I was frightened by some of the description in your story. It was so raw and so real and utterly perfect, although it was also a perfectly horrible sight that you had to describe. You are truly a master, and I think that your strength in this area is what makes the piece so dark.
I also want to say that you did an excellent job with Romilda Vane as the main character. Her few words were perfectly in character, and you managed to maintain that character despite writing something so drastically different from JKR. Very well done!
I enjoyed reading this immensely.
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your brilliant review! I\'m glad you enjoyed the story so much. :]
Wow nice. Really sad and tragic.
Author's Response: I tried to make the end dramatic, to show Lucius as a broken man, but then reunite him with the person he loved most. Glad you liked it!
Well then! Since you left me such a lovely review for my one-shot, I thought I’d return the favor for you!
Your attention to detail is incredible. Your descriptions of the werewolves at the beginning were admirable, for you painted the picture vividly in my mind. I felt like I was standing there, watching them sleep. Oh, it was interesting! I could hear them too…maybe I’m just weird. Your use of the present tense is probably what was the most intriguing. It made it feel like the reader was there because it was happening as I read it. A very nice style of writing that you pulled off beautifully! Your writing sucked me right in immediately. A great way to start the story!
I actually think that your description at the beginning is the best part of your story. Although you write dialogue well, you write description better. I think, though, that your characterizations of Lupin’s parents were very believable and they felt canon to me. I could imagine them being overprotective of their son – at first it had me shocked, but then I accepted it to be true.
My nitpick about the section with the parents was that you alternated between “Mr. Lupin” and “Ralph” and “Mrs. Lupin” and “Susan” while you wrote the prose. Let me explain:
“I know, darling, I know,” Susan said with a sad laugh. “I will just miss my boy so much!” As she had said this, Mrs. Lupin pulled a handkerchief out from behind her back.
You use both “Susan” and “Mrs. Lupin” to describe Lupin’s mother. While the meaning is clear and this is not necessarily wrong, it is better to pick one or the other for prose. In dialogue, she could be addressed as either “Susan” or “Mrs. Lupin” and both would be acceptable. It makes for cleaner writing to use only one in prose.
You do the same for the father, but I think you have the idea. You only did it once for the mother and once for the father, which was the interesting part for me. Perhaps you just made a mistake?
The only other thing I have to point out is this:
As my beta felt compelled to tell me, you should be “AK’ed” for that. (I think the curse, but perhaps the gun? I wasn’t really sure…) Anyway, the point is that “alright”, although used often, is actually not a word. “All right” is the way to go!
Sorry to turn into a beta at the end there. I really did enjoy reading this story, and I think that you are a very strong writer – your description at the beginning proves that to me. I am looking forward to your next chapter, and lucky for me, it is right there! I am off to read it now!
Great chapter! I just wanted to say hi and let you know you're doing a great job. Hope to see the next one up soon and another one in my inbox. :)
Author's Response: Hey! I love the review! It\'s only great thanks to you for beta-ing it so thanks so much! My laptop is broken so I use a friends computer when I have the opportunity until it is fixed. But anyways, I just have to make a few changes and I\'ll send it back to you! Thanks for the lovely review! ~LMPH3
Wow. That was ever so dark. The mood that you set from the first words on the page continued throughout the entire piece. I really felt the lyrics used as the beginning were an asset to your moving piece.
The exploration that you conducted into Draco's mind was brilliant. I felt like I could connect to him, and that I could really understand his pain. Your analysis really helped to complete the picture and offered an argument to justify all of Draco's actions. It is perhaps the discovery of that truth, or what really goes on in Draco's mind, that is the tragedy of the story.
The setting you set, the character you develop, all of it ties back to the dark/angst theme that you established right from the beginning with those lyrics. Well done and wonderful work!
Look at what can happen just by browsing around the Badger Bulletin! I found your interview about this piece and thought I’d take a look at it. I am so glad I did.
I adore how you used the quote at the beginning as the underlying theme for your entire piece. The quote itself was beautiful and so angst and dark and the fact that you used it as the backdrop for the piece helped hold the mood and keep the feeling alive.
I really enjoyed how you explored the darkness of the mind. You were right: your metaphor of the deathly hallows made your piece truly original. That was one of my favorite aspects. The sinister feeling of the piece was further exemplified by the fact that Harry narrated through the entire ordeal. The change of character in our favorite hero was actually quite frightening.
Definitely one of my favorite dark/angst pieces, and truly beautiful, in a dark way. It’ll be in my favorites!
Author's Response: Thank you very much!! :)
Your writing at the beginning of the story was stronger than your writing as the story progressed. The rest of it wasn't bad at all, but it just wasn't the same quality as it was at the beginning. Your beginning writing was awesome. You really captured Hermione's thoughts perfectly and you gave a lot of wonderful description.
As the story progressed, I think the biggest weakness was just that it moved too quickly. Hermione seemed to be flitting between Draco and Ron and the speed with which she made her decisions was not very Hermione-like, from my perspective. I realize their may have been constraints on the writing that made you write the scenes so quickly, but maybe here would have been a way to make it seem less rushed? I don't know.
I do love the romance part of the story, however. I think that Ron's actions to get Hermione were really sweet and I am happy she ended up with him in the end. I must say, at the beginning, I thought she was choosing between Harry and Draco, instead of Ron and Draco, but I like that she ended up with Ron. Good job at keeping it ambiguous! It shocked me when I found out later on in the work.
Great job at writing romance. You seem to have an eye for it that I don't. :)
-Colores, of the Hufflepuff Review Circle
Author's Response: Awww thank you! Thanks for the wildly amazing critique. The reason for the strength of the writing was because some of it was after being rejected a few times, and I did submit this the night before the deadline. --HKG
Wow that was really good! I really liked how you incorporated a scene that Jo talked about, but never really described in great detail. It was a very creative thing for Dumbledore to witness. Awesome writing!
Author's Response: *giggles* Aw . . . thanks so much! I\'m so glad that you liked it. ~Lindsey :)
The honeymoon going awry led to the portrait going blotchy and the portrait going blotchy could lead to the honeymoon going very awry!What's a witch to do except perhaps travel time, to save the portrait and the honeymoon?
Hermione meets the master of Time-turners, however, and gets much much more than she bargained for...This is LucillaJoanna of Hufflepuff, traversing A Shift In Time in the Spring Challenges...
...and won Second Place!
Ooh I'm really intrigued by this story! I love how you wrote Rashleigh and I think it was very clever of you to make him the master of the Time-Turners. Very, very intersting. I really like your writing style and the writing itself was very crisp and clean. Good work!
Author's Response: thank you, colores! first review! what you said means a lot! i hope i deliver to the end! and i wish you luck with your own challenge submissions! Go, badgers! ^_^
Oh I hope your final chapter gets validated soon! This story is excellent. Great work! I wish you tons of luck in the challenge! Go Hufflepuff!
Author's Response: Thanks a lot, fellow badger! *sniffles* You, too! Yeah, Go Hufflepuff! ^-^
*sobs* Wow, your writing was so powerful! Your use of second person to portray this story was very effective. The only thing that struck me as odd was that Dumbledore referred to his mother as "mommy." While it really got to me as the reader because it made Dumbledore seem so young and innocent, it also did not seem to be truly "Dumbledore-like" But the message it portrayed was powerful and well done. Good job and good luck!
Author's Response: Thank! I imagine that Dumbledore wasn\'t always the great wizard he was before he died. He was only nine, so there is a lot of time for him to grow. I imagine that this was the beginning of the Dumbledore we see today.
I had a weird sense of deja vu when I read this story. So then I went back up and realized BloodRayne had beta'd it, which means that I had already read it because I was her mentoree at the time! LOL But...
It's a great story. I remember thinking that the first time I read it, and now here we are the second time and I still stand by what I said before. I just loved the characterization and it's just a really cute, nicely written oneshot. Great work, and thanks for the banners!
OMS this was the most amazing parody of HSM I've ever read. Congratulations on writing such a hilarious story! I absolutely adore it!
Author's Response: Oh, thanks, Colores! Incidentally, have you read other parodies of HSM? I\'d love to read them!
GAH! Hallie! I love it! I adore the parallel between Harry and his mother, and the quote at the end is really, really fitting. You did an excellent job with this story, and your use of the lyrics was really effective. Some people just have song lyrics in songfics for the heck of it, but yours actually served a purpose, and helped to move the story forward. They really added to the story. *loves*
Olivia!!! *huggles* This story was so beautifully written and the characterization of Oliver was perfect. I also enjoyed the way you developed Maura throughout the story. At the end of this admittedly brief oneshot, I felt as though she could have been canon. Excellent work, I loved it!
Oh my god. This fic was truly heartbreaking. I just read it to get a feel for the banner, but oh my god this is really sad. My favorite line, the one I feel best sums up this story: "Please remember me more than “The Boy Who Lived”, for I shall not live." Great writing there! *sniff* You have me in tears and that's saying a lot. Great work.
Author's Response: Wow, I must be really silly because guess what? I\'m crying now too. Thank you so much, I really appreciate it and I couldnt agree more with you. Wow, just wow. :) You have just made my day and I couldnt be happier. Great Review. -- Sophia
Oh, Kristin! That was such a beautiful story. I absolutely love it. The fairytale was so creative and it had a great message. Congratulations on an excellent piece of writing!
Author's Response: Thanks so much, Fresca. I\'m really glad you liked it. Fairy tales are my favorite so it is always great to hear. Thanks again!
Tom Riddle has learned the truth about his past. He doesn't like it. He's about to change it.I am leahsm2 of Slytherin and this is my entry for the Horcrux Portion of the 2008 Summer Challenge.
I came in second in a two horse race, but both horses were strong, in my opinion, so I am thrilled!
This is also my Final for Colores' Newt Level Advanced Rhetoric and Style Class for Summer Term, 2008.
Excellent story, Leah. A very enjoyable read. I could definitely see the rhetorical devices being used to their full advantages. You should be proud!
Aww, what a sweet and wonderfully written story, Cwiddy. Great work, as always. I loved it!
Author's Response: Thanks so much! :) Had a lot of fun writing this!
A very nice story, Alyssa. You should be proud of your work this term. You did a great job with the rhetorical devices in this story!
Author's Response: Thanks, Fresca. It means alot to here that from you. I promise to try to use the helpful things you taught us in other stories! ~Alyssa