Penname: Visceral Love [Contact]
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Member Since: 02/21/07
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I'm the kind of girl that likes to write lyrics to slightly obscure oldy songs (that I don't really know but all my other music is so unknown I might as well scribble on the board) on my chemistry board.
I'm the kind of girl who thinks of addition as a metaphor, and math as the more than the ends to practical means. There has to be shakespere between formulas or it's pointless.
I'm the kind of girl who is on a tighrope between arrogance and a severe self-esteem deficate.
I'm the kind of girl who likes the distance between the fingers and the sound when playing the piano.
I'm the kind of girl that is more poetry than prose.
I'm the kind of girl that if she had it her way we would sing every line of our lives.
I'm the kind of girl who sees symbolism in meaningless background noise.
Faithless and a Nudist.
I never really get embaressed about bodys. If I had my way we would all be naked during the summer.

My Stories

One Shots
A Draco and Luna Love Story



A very descriptive peice, emotionally driven. One of my better peices. Author Rating: 8/10

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Not as emotional, very plot dirven though some nice twists and turn. Not extremely emotional and no brilliant description. 6/10

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Finding Judas is a story in which I think I really got into the character of Peter Pettigrew, and his voice but I sacraficed some of my own style for it. All in all a real character peice. 7/10
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My favorite story that I have written on here. Read it, now. 9/10

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Reviews by Visceral Love
 

Patronous Light by Amalynne
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 18]

Summary: What if Harry really didn't conjure the patronous in the POA, what if it was really his father. In his 6th yr James gets a hold of a time turner. Mishap leads to madness as Prongs tries to alter tha past and save his son's life.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3731 Chapters: 3 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/07/04 Updated: 11/19/04


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 02/28/07 Title: Chapter 3: A Glimpse

It was a lovely little story and I love the way that your James seemed so child-like and almost innocent. However I do have to comment that this story could of and should have been a lot shorter, it was a great, fantastic plot, but there wasn't really anything else there. If you could strip it down, make it shorter, I think it would be even better. Really nice job.

 

Summary: Mr. Weasley has a talk with Ron about his developing relationship with Hermione.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1600 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/15/05 Updated: 03/15/05


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: Plugs and Outlets

This is without a doubt the best humor fic I have ever had the pleasure to read on fanfiction ever. Great job.

 

Reclaiming Percy by Buckbeak22
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: Molly Weasley talks about why Percy is the way he is, and Bill decides to mend the rift.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 4001 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/19/05 Updated: 05/19/05


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/14/07 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot

There is a saying write what you know. The Buckbeak did this and it worked immeasurably well. Her tone of Molly Weasely was spot on, and it was tentatively emotional in only a way that a mother can be.
It was this realism that lit up the story more than anything else. There was little action and even smaller auctual plot but the voice pushed the story through. The reader felt like they were listening in on an auctual story being told. My only gripe is that occasionally there was some language that while not American perse sounded a bit off and not right for the peice. For example:
It was enough to make Molly Weasley flip. She surged to her feet, white-hot anger running through her. I loved the quite emotionality of the peice that was far from cliche and really made the reader feel, just by the small things.

It is a really great technique to have a character we love defend a character we are negative to apathetic about and almost works better than a story told from Percy's auctual view point.

I think a pseudo memoir or more dinner conversation fics set at the weaseley's would certainly be welcome and well appreciated in my book.

Overall great job.




Author's Response: Thank you for your lovely review Visceral Love. You are right about writing about what I know - I am the oldest in a large family, so large family dinner conversations are right up my alley. Also, having children now, I can imagine how terrible Molly feels about Percy. The story actually came about because I was wondering how Percy could be so different to all the others. I jotted down notes, and then realized it was almost a story - so I posted it! I am sorry you don\'t like the word \"flip\". We say it a lot in our family, but I guess it does sound a little flippant in the context in which I use it! Once again, thank you for your review.

 

Summary: It is quite difficult for some Muggle families when their kids are sent a Hogwarts letter. What about their friends?



Lauren was always Hermione's best friend, until the summer they both recieved different letters. Why is Hermione so secretive about her school? Why does Lauren feel so cut off? What is going on?





Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 6156 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/02/06 Updated: 08/08/06


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/11/07 Title: Chapter 1: How I Found My Best Friend was a Witch

{This is a little thank you review. Thanks again Buckbeak22 for reading my story and leaving such a delightful little review}
How I Found of My Best Friend is a Witch is the best kind of sad. Mostly because it doesnít mean to be. A story about a Muggle losing her friend to a world she canít help to enter is probably the most poignant and under-explored story in the Wizarding universe. And Buckbeak executes it with an innocent, likable grace. Lauren the Muggle isnít flamboyant, doesnít have a wicked sense of humor, she is sensitive musician that claims to be good at the cello and little else. (She isnít however by the same turn dramtically inept to the point of humor) And this sets the perfect tone. Following a small string of lovely insignificant details

I think Bryan and Rob felt truly sorry for me, as they knew what I was feeling although they did get fed up of hearing about the ďHermione SoapĒ as they called my conversation.

We donít learn anymore of these characters but there simple line of Hermione soap brings Laurenís background to life. One of my favorite parts was easily the simple descriptions of how Lauren felt. Lauren really has a great voice, one easily relatable and mentally transposable. The best stories let the reader assume the place of the main character and Lauren is a perfect vehicle for our consciences.
There are of course problems, namely when Lauren meets Harry Potter and Ron Weasley. Because the reader is focusing so much attention on this, this more than the fight with Lucuis is the climax of the story. Ron and Harry are a little to at ease with Lauren and friendly. While not nessarily out of character, this takes away some of the edge and gives the reader relief from the poignancy. What, in my opinion, would have been really brilliant would have been if you increased the hope with the poignancy, if Lauren decided to become a little tag-along.
The line where Lauren admired Harry Potter seemed a little forced and the implication of him having a girlfriend and her respecting that veered slightly towards the dark and cheery path of mary-sue-dom. Watch out for that. Other than that I hope for a sequel and would just like to say good job.


Author's Response: Thank you for your wonderful review. Actually more worth reading than the fiction itself. I have come to the conclusion that there are story tellers, and writers. I am one of the former, and you are one of the latter, being by far the more literate and insightful. I wish you hadn\'t noticed that the ending was weak. I loathe writing endings, and always find them anticlimactic. And I am afraid I can\'t do sad endings. It makes me too depressed for my characters, and I wake up at night wanting to go and extricate them from their predicaments. I am the same when I read sad books. (When I read Fall on Your Knees by Ann Marie MacDonald, I was depressed for a week. My husband threatened to censor my reading for me since he said he couldn\'t stand it!) All the same, Harry and Ron may be alright with Lauren, but I hope I am conveying in my next fiction that she doesn\'t feel quite so comfortable with them. It will come to a head in Chapter 3. (At least, I think it is Chapter 3.) Thank you so much for your wonderful review. It was very much appreciated.

 

Standing Out From the Crowd by Valentinia
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 11]

Summary: His beautiful black eyes have always stood out from the crowd for her. Even today, when she is the centre of attention, she is thinking of him and wishing things were different...

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 1397 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/23/06 Updated: 08/25/06


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 04/10/07 Title: Chapter 1: Charocal Eyes

The use of mystery was fantastically subtle, however I do have some qualms with the dialouge. In some parts, the beginnig especially it come across as a little cliche or stitled. Especially the swear you'll wait for me. Perhaps its better to allow your description to be romantic and the dialoge more visceral so that it doesn't feel to sappy.
_VL

Author's Response: Yeah, I\'ve had a lot of trouble with dialogue... I should go over that again... Thanks for letting me know what you think and for taking the time to review!

 

Therefore, x + y = Death by mooncalf
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Logic rules the life of Padma Patil. For every conundrum, there is one solution which is the most reasonable and sensible. Emotion, she regards as a hindrance. But when logic dictates she joins the ranks of the most feared Dark wizard of all time, will she be able to stop her feelings getting in the way?

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 10052 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/18/06 Updated: 11/18/06


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 04/12/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

A fantastic charecterzation that was beleivable and original. Flawless. Great job.
-VL

Author's Response: Thank you very much!

 

A Holiday Miracle by Hermione_Rocks
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: Tom Riddle calls a meeting and gives those attending a present, of sorts...


Originally written for the Winter Tales' third challenge, A Winter Miracle.


Not your average Christmas time miracle though...

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1136 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/30/06 Updated: 12/07/06


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 02/28/07 Title: Chapter 1: A Holiday Miracle

I love this fic, it really enasculapates the mood of the entire dark lord without being gaudy and flamboyant with scenes of torture.

Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review! :D

 

Myrtle's Vision by dumbledorefluertwins
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Myrtle is tired of being laughed, teased and humiliated. She's going to change and be popular, if it's the last thing she does...



This is for the New Year challenge, Dreams, and I am Apollo13 of Slytherin House.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 2010 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/10/07 Updated: 01/17/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/11/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Mrytleís Vision has a vision, or rather a point of view. Itís written from experience and it shows. The fault of many pieces of fanfiction is that they seem to only get farther away from the reader emotionally as each new piece of conflict is introduced. Myrtleís Vision does just the opposite. For example here:
ďYour hair is greasy, Little Miss Mope,Ē observed Olive Hornbury, her nose wrinkling in disgust.
The insults that DumbledoreísTwin(abr name) uses are witty and poignant. They are very real. They are also very exaggerated. In my time I have never met anyone using such direct teasing (and I would consider myself a regular old mrytle ), most teasing I have found is small subtle actions by the antagonist and a permeating paranoia within the protagonists own psyche. DumbledoreísTiwn doesnít achieve this unfortunately instead sticks with the easy-to-write philosophy of bad guy vs. good guy. This isnít I think a faulty path that the author chose conciesiously, but one that was necessary if she wished to be completely real and honest. In our life it we villianify people if to make ourselves appear more sympathetic and since Iím assuming that DumbledoreísTwin placed herself in the shoes of Myrtle for this exercise itís natural she wanted to make her self sympathetic. The danger in this is that the girls have no motivation, no character. They are in a word: flat. Making characters flat is fine, and often acceptable in stories as short as this, but then they need to be stripped of all purposes besides plot so the reader does not enter the story expecting rounded villains.
I was also a little unclear on why Mrytle would want to become like the girls that tease her everyday. Yes they are popular, but earlier in the story you say yourself that Myrtle couldnít understand why everyone liked them. I think you need to show more the transformation from distaste to admiration. Also itís very important to tie up loose-ends when writing a one-shot. At the end we still donít know who the man is, and thatís okay but he doesnít return or why he was even warning her in the first place.
Perhaps it would be nice to have him tell her to be miserable to try and save her from making the mistake of ending up in the girls bathroom or was that just a conincidence. Overall this story packed a great emotional punch, but was empty other than that.
I look foreward to seeing what this author can do with a great emotional impact and a more compact tied-together plot. Great job.


Author's Response: This has to be the most helpful review I have ever recieved - thank you! Are you a member of SPEW or something? I do disagrre, however, about your claim that the insults are exaggerated. I myself have met an Olive Hornbury, she was my best friend. In our first year of high school, she became obbsessed with being popular and funny - at my expense. She used to throw insult after insult, just like the ones in my fic, in front of large gangs of people. One day, I couldn\'t take it anymore, and I yelled at her and ran off to another friend of mine, who hung around with a completely different, VERY unpopular crowd. I obviously got teased for hanging around this crowd, and so made my self determind to change. Briefly, for a fortnight or so, in a desperate attempt to be liked, I became a total chav, and pratically plastered myself in make-up. I was anorexic for eight weeks. So, I think that it is possible for Myrtle to want to become like these girls; she may not understand why these girls are liked, but wishes to be liked, so she copies them. I understand where you\'re coming from on the quick transformation though, I\'ll watch out for that in the future. The voice is actually the Basilisk, and the boy in the bathroom is Voldy, as explained in COS. Thank you again for this fantastic review, I only wish everyone put as much effort into the reviews as you do! ~Evie

 

Immortal by Masked One
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 7]

Summary: Tom Riddle has found the person with the true key to immortality, but she holds the bitterness of long years forgotten. Written by Masked One of Slytherin for the Myth and Magic category of the New Years Challenge.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1039 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/21/07 Updated: 01/21/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 02/28/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

You have the tone of myth and superiority down so well. I love the way that this fic is written. It is really quite inspiring.

 

Missing You by wilbur
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 15]

Summary: Ginny struggles with life and love after the final battle.

Categories: Harry/Ginny Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 4575 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/21/07 Updated: 03/01/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: On the Roof

Missing You lives up to itís title. This is perhaps the most eloquent and important thing any one person can say about it. It is a heavy piece of fanfiction, not in the fact that its subject matter presents deep probing psychological questions, but in that it is very concentrated with constant conversations so probing and quietly dramatic itís almost hard to read in one sitting. Ironically enough as readers we are often wary of things that have little physical action or dramatic plot twists for the fear of being bored, but if anything the opposite is the case. The conversation is so intense and every moment in pivotal to the story we feel as if every moment is more important than the last. While this allows the reader to be focused it also can began to wear the reader down mentally and begin to become over stimulated and few the story as unrealistic. Not because the story actually is unrealistic, if you look at each line individually there is very little that could be counted as clichť or melodramatic, but because it completely glosses over the quite moments in peoples lives. However, though these may be significant faults the author, Wilbur, makes no silly mistakes and is very direct in what she is trying to convey, which in my opinion was the bittersweet taste of loss.
The reader has no doubt about what they should be feeling, and in most cases are feeling. In particular the scene with the OCC was particularly poignant. Rarely do you see such powerful male OCCís in a fanfiction so centered around cannon characters. Rick has some of the most insightful lines in the entire piece and acts as a kind of magnifying glass for the points that we may have missed. Unfortunately however the same cannot be said for her characterization of Harry Potter, the whole relationship was too smooth to easy. Of course when viewed through the eyes of someone missing something they will gloss over the faults of their partner, but I believe that if the author truly wants to give the full impact and make us sympathize with Ginny we should see things how they really were, not how she wishes they were. In my mind I just canít imagine Harry Potter and Ginny flirting with such seductive ease.
There also a few faults stylistically. She begins the story discussing how Ginny comes up on the roof not to think about Harry but just to think and then the entire story is about how Ginny cannot give up Harry Potter. Grammatically the author has the easy cadence of long sentences that donít become tangled but at times are warily sneaking over the barbed wire fence into the jail cells of run-ons. Most of the time this seems to be a simple error of the grammatical style not matching the almost minimalist plot. For example:
Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Hermione, and Ginny were all playing a game of Quidditch which had gotten progressively competitive because both Harry and Ginny were in, what seemed like, a constant battle for the Snitch.

For example the what seemed like is superfluous in retrospect as the reader would much rather find out a couple seconds later whatís going on than already know that they are really not in a conversation five-seconds in.

Overall this concentrated piece is a good first attempt and I look foreword to seeing how Wilbur grows and time goes on.


Author's Response: wow...i\'ve never been given such a long and thought out review. thank-you for all your compliments. I know there are quite a few grammatical and syntax errors; but that is expected without having a beta-reader. I\'ve finished the story, but have given up trying to get it all up on this site. There have been multiple accidental deletings on Mugglenet\'s side. I must be honest, after this review I\'m afraid to send in the next chapter for fear of not being able to live up to your compliments and/or falling deeper into the errors you\'ve pointed out. I just have to remind myself that this is one of my favorite stories I\'ve ever written and take constructive critism as a way to improve. Thank-you again for caring enough to leave a review.

 

by
Rated: [Reviews - ]

Summary:

Categories: Orphan Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 0 Chapters: 0 Completed: No
Published:
12/31/69 Updated: 12/31/69


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/02/07 Title: None

Confessions To No One is written with all the anger of someone losing control and all the timid passion of someone just learning what love is. The writing isnít brilliantly descriptive, and there isnít a revolutionary plot, but Confessions to No One doesnít even attempt to fool around in these areas. It does what it set out to do, give us a glimpse into Lily Evanís mind and does it fantastically. What really makes it work is the incredibly consistent informal inner monologue that the writer unveils through a letter. It is so spot on not just to the characterization of Lily Evans, but also that of every teenager girl everywhere falling into love with someone they arenít sure they have a right to love. Her_mi_o_ne 16 showcases Lilyís insecurities while at the same time explaining her faults, creating an incredibly sympathetic yet believable character. Every line is snappy in a way that only someone evaluating themselves while being consumed by emotion can be.
Ironically enough Confessions To No Oneís greatest triumphs are hindered by a few key and easily fixable plot. First, the format, letters are overdone in fiction and it almost minimizes the power of the piece to make this a second hand copy of Lilyís real thoughts. A direct pipe-line into her brain is really what we were getting here and it would do it injustice to say that Lily had sat down and wrote this. I donít think anyone can realistically sit down and write such a critical examination of themselves and have it come out that raw, especially not a person like Lily who is already apparently deathly afraid of feeling anything for James Potter. There are also a few awkward sentences such as:
ďAt that moment, the moment that Iíve thrown the letter into the flames and am watching it burn, I know that this is a hopeless cause because in the back of my mind Iíll be thinking..Ē
Which would really be much better as Then, after Iíve thrown this letter into the flames and watched it burn, Iíll accept that this is a hopeless cause. There are a few other similar awkward sentences, but if anything they really only add to the charm of the muddled yet incredibly likable Lily Evans. I look foreword to more writings from Her_mi_o_ne 16, especially some examples of what she can do with a little plot plus this smashing characterization


Author's Response: Wow. I don\'t think I\'ve ever gotten such an amazing review before. It felt like someone was doing a review in a magazine! I am so, so happy that you liked this piece. I really connected to it on a deep level. I hear what you\'re saying about the letter format, and in a lot of ways I agree with you. I chose to write the story in this way for a couple of reasons, the first being I really liked the image at the end of Lily watching her confessions burn while coming to the realization that she\'s falling in love. You talked about how it seems unrealistic that such an critical examination of oneself would be put onto paper. I really agree with the power of a direct pipe line to the brain, and so I\'m considering changing the form of this piece, but I don\'t think it\'s wholly unrealistic. People write in diaries all the time. Wouldn\'t this be the kind of thing they write? Looking over what you said again, perhaps the rawness of the examination would be a little tough for Lily to put into words. In a way I think that this was meant more to purge than to examine, and if you look over certain parts of the story I believe she says that. It\'s interesting that you mentioned how you talked about how the story could relate to other teenage girls because that\'s what this piece was in a way. I wrote it long hand and twisted my experience and feelings with Lily Evan\'s personality. As a teenage girl myself I think I really put a lot of my own feelings into the piece and I\'m really glad that you not only sensed that but thought it credible. I agree with you about the awkward sentence . . . I\'ll change it ASAP! ;) But I\'m also greatful that you pointed out the humanity of the mistakes. Contrary to public opinion, Lily Evans isn\'t perfect. And, like you said, if she really is writing this deeply emotional journey I don\'t think she\'d be checking all her commas. However, good form is important and I don\'t think that the form of this piece is an excuse for sloppiness. I really apprecieate the praise and the honesty. I hope to post some more stories that you like just as much in the future. Thank you so much for reviewing, it really meant a lot.

 

A Wizard's Take by FenrirG
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: A child muses on magic, Muggles, and everything in between.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 123 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/26/07 Updated: 02/28/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 04/08/07 Title: Chapter 1: Poem

This had the feel of something out of the eighteeneth century, Mark Twainish, or Oliver. Mostly because of the chopped up words 'ike this, and putting the do at the end of sentences.
I like it, but it causes a few problems it doesn't really fit with the whole use of alarms and electric things.
However I really do have to commend you on your fantabulous use of punchlines. It's a real punch in the gut the last line,a nd really pushes this fic to being funny, or at least suprising.
Nice job.
P.S The rhyming here feels much less forced than in Full Moon's Lament, you really are improving.
-VL

Author's Response: Hey VL!

I\'m glad you think I\'m improving--and that you like my punchline. =P Actually, as for the eighteenth-century feel, it was unintended. ;) But thanks so much for your review and your tips, I really appreciate them!

Cheers,Fenn

 

To Mend Broken Bridges by Hermione_Rocks
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: Night after night the dream returns. One evening she decides to act upon it.





Will following the dream's footsteps provide the same results in life? Will time have healed all wounds? Can broken bridges ever be mended?





Originally written for the second New Years' challenge, Dreams.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2694 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/28/07 Updated: 03/01/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/19/07 Title: Chapter 1: To Mend Broken Bridges

I have to say this is a really brilliant peice and suprisingly overlooked. I can only guess that it as a result of the somewhat gilting beginning. The sentence fragments of the dream are supposed to I imagine contrast later with your incredibly lovely realistic style and dialouge, but it ends up feeling less relavent to the story and the symbolism feels forced. The same goes for the end as well.

Also I wonder how there were inns with 3B and such in the middle ages it seems a little modern. Other than that this peice was flawless and I have to say that it is, hands down my favorite peice I have read on MNFF and I look foreward to perhaps more Salazar/Rowena from you in the future. Perhaps?
Anyways, lovely job. Keep on writing.

Author's Response: I agree about the inns and having room numbers, but when I submitted this I had a day until the contest closed, so I just threw something together... >.<

Anyhow, thank you for all of your critique and praise, really brightened up an average day. :) We\'ll have to see on more Salazar/Rowena, I did have a lot of fun with parts of this story, so you never know...

 

Snape Repents by Bookwormy
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: He had done the unforgivable, he knew that. Albus Dumbledore had died by his wand. But he was no Death Eater, he knew this, Dumbledore had known it, but worst of all Voldemort knew it. Which left him with but one option, an option he nearly hated more than death. His life had been in debt to a Potter before... Severus Snape's fate lies in the hands of the Boy-Who-Lived.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 390 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/01/07 Updated: 03/02/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/02/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Snape Repents has the feel of a traditional ballad lost in the tangles of the writers own imagination. That isnít to say it wasnít created with the best possible ideas, but it got lost somewhere along the way, ironically enough I believe at the beginning. She starts off with:

ďGood evening, Potter,Ē said Snape, with a doubt.
ďHow can it be good, when youíre about?Ē

This dialogue sample has the feel of being incredibly natural which really lets us know that Bookworm is not a traditional poetry writer. Many poetry writers sacrifice meaning to rhyme, or coherency to poetic images and symbolism, but bookworm does the opposite she rhyme to getting across what she wants to say. Bookworm is writing prose and then shoving it into the form of a rhyme, which is really incredibly unfortunate as they could have been a create humorous one-shot. The problem is that there is very little humorous poetry and so seeing a poem the readers mind is immediately flagged to a mood of descriptive seriousness. And on this count Bookworm simply does not deliver, and did not intend to deliver. Unfortunately, this isnít obvious until the last line when the reader finally catches the cadence of the humor and then can re-read it and offer a smile here or a chuckle there.
I am sure that Bookworm is a fantastic prose writer, and you can see glimpses of her style here and there which for the most part seems to be humorous in the dialogue, but it just doesnít transfer well to the medium of poetry. One of the key things about poetry is that it has to rhyme and rhyme well. Much of the humorous potential which I can so clearly see is easily sacrificed to the constraints of rhyme and the author even admits to herself in the authors not that she was stretching for a rhyme on a certain line. In most normal brands of poetry itís okay to reword things and make them sound awkward, but in dialogue there are special phrases that I am sure Bookworm is aware that when forced into rhyming sounds awkward.
I have faith in Bookworm and if she tried a different medium of poetry with less dialogue and more action and even a plot the humor would come across better. I have faith because the last couple of lines were simply brilliant and really made me smile.
But what Bookwormy thinks,
And is sure you do too,
Is that Snape does deserve
To be killed by Voldy-poo.
These are so great because they really embody that genre of poetry with that gut-punch hilarious ending and doesnít sound forced at all. If every stanza of the poem were like this one we would have something worthy of awards. I look foreword to reading more of Bookwormís poetry and Iím glad to see that she is challenging herself.


Author's Response: Oooh, thank you so much, Visceral Love, for taking time to study my poetry between the lines and submitting such a constructive review! You have very correctly inferred from my poem that I defintely am not a poet, more a prose-writer. And this poem was actually written by me by first thinking of dialogues, and then making them rhyme somehow. Now that you have given me the idea, I might even write a one shot of this entire scene. Actually, I never considered writing this poem as a humorous one...but as you have so wisely pointed out, in order to make my lines rhyme, I just gave way to whatever came in my mind and some lines automatically became humourous. This poem, actually, is one which is dark as well as has some light moments as well, like when Harry is being cool with Snape. I am happy that you liked the last 4 lines so much. I do hope someday I improve my poetry so much that you like all the lines as much as those...and my poetry doesn\'t sound so forced. I\'m also really happy that you would like to read more of my poetry, because I have one more poem which I am going to submit soon. Let\'s hope that it gets validated and that you feel it exceedingly better than this one. All in all, thanks loads for your review!! I am really grateful and look forward to being advised more in future by you.

 

Moments in the Dark by Vindictus Viridian
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Tom Riddle awakens and extends his power, drawing Ginny into the Chamber of Secrets as she draws him into her own secret thoughts.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1246 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/02/07 Updated: 03/02/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/02/07 Title: Chapter 1: -----

Moments In The Dark is a glorious montage of whispers and caresses to the reader. The thrill of it is that the whole thing seems stolen, missing from someone elseís life, and we know where it went. This is not a new concept, nor one that has been overplayed so it easy for us to slip into the dark world of Tom Riddleís seduction of Ginny Weasley. What really make this story such a feat is that there is actually very little physical description. It is told in the age-old tradition of myth-like quality making weeks seem like moments. The beauty of the simplicity is so carefully constructed in this passage. Tom Riddleís bold voice never questions, only allowing short statements, leaving us with only tantalizing tidbits of his psyche.

I bring her to the Chamber just to see if I can. The outer self does not remember afterward, only suspecting she has missed something, or done something. The darker soul within is fascinated to learn of a place everyone else considers a myth. Her best friend has given her a secret.

Moments in the Dark is once traditional and revolutionary, traditional in the easy gothic tradition of dark chambers and almost-stolen kisses and revolutionary in the brilliant portrayal of Tom Riddle. Vindictus Viridianís Riddle does not beg for our love nor sneer at it. He presents his thoughts clearly and with the eloquence the cold-blooded killer. What allows him to pull it off is that he never really admits to being conflicted in what he is going to do, and yet all the while we know or at least hope that he is.
That self I thought I did not have stirs, asking if this is truly something I want to remember for the eternity I mean to live.
Even then it is not even Tom who admits that he is unsure, but that a part of him that is /not/ him is conflicted. This fiction is the grittiness of two people in denial slowly slipping into the primal patterns of lust and blood, clothed in the gothic prose of Vindictus Viridian. Regaurdless of its brilliance the piece of work still does have itís faults, namely when Tom waxes philosophical. Itís out of place because the Tom Vindictus has introduced to us is so upfront and immediate. However not only is this segment out of character with the Tom she has slipped into our subconscious but it is confusing as well.
I have learned that most persons have a threefold nature. There is the public self, usually bland and uninteresting. There is the monitor, a mother or father figure, who checks in and pokes its nose into the business of its perpetually-scrutinized subject.
Here it appears that Tom is talking about another person while describing the versions of one ís self, even describing it the confusion leaks out. Besides this small fault the story is really one of the best one-shots I have the privilege to read and I recommend you read it too.


Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked it. Somehow it did seem to me that Tom Riddle might have been one of those teenaged boys who dabbles in philosophy but isn\'t as good at it as he thinks he is -- it\'s a type, and I used that to some degree to inform this character. Also, I feel that most people have some threshold of evil they will not cross, though sometimes it is some odd little out-of-place thing that doesn\'t seem to fit with their character. For instance, Hitler was quite fond of children and was kind to them -- even the ones on their way to the gas chamber. Tom is finding his own edge of acceptability here. He can manipulate, possess, and kill, but kissing a girl so much younger than he is makes him hesitate. Still, he hates to limit himself, and so he puts it off for another moment. Thanks for reviewing!

 

Shattered by A_Pink_lady
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary: ĎThe whole world shattered and broke.í

Harryís world comes crashing down when the girl he loves is murdered. Witness how this affected him and how it means that his life would never be the same again


Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 3355 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/03/07 Updated: 03/03/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/03/07 Title: Chapter 1: One shot

Shattered by A_Pink_Lady, has power. It will astound you how much it can affect you, beyond reason, beyond anything else. Because after allís said and done A_Pink_Lady writes with passion. Others may tinker around with style, or grammar, she focuses on what she feels and allows it to spill out of her. Unfortunately the spilling is a little messy, and while there are points almost too fantastic to describe, there are also points that are below average. And because of the immense potential I see in A_Pink_Lady I think it would be a disservice to ignore those points so that she can eliminate them and really make her work brilliant at every point. One of the most brilliant points was easily:
He could see the glassy look in her eyes that he knew only too well. Dumbledore, Cedric, Lupin, Moody.

The reader is prepared for grief, but they expect to be dipped into it slowly, and this is a shock. A delightfully painful burst of subtle grief that really lets the reader into Harryís head without falling to the melodrama that A_Pink_Lady seems prone to in other points. However, surprisingly she can also make the extreme drama work well, and in one of my favorite lines and endings she executes this superbly.

The golden trio was shattered, gone, only a memory now. Maybe one day, Harry would come back and it would be remade.
Maybe not.

This is the perhaps the best example of A_Pink_Ladyís potential. I can see her style clear from clichťs here and itís beautiful. It is heartbreakingly simple and balanced between optimism and nostalgia. One of the many mistakes that Dark writers make is that they believe that they have to leave it with a complete feeling of despondency for the reader to be truly changed. A_Pink_Lady obviously understands that this is simply not the case.

However, there are also some serious flaws in this piece. Least significantly there are some grammar flaws, the most notable one being in this sentence:
Suddenly a Healer rushed in and despite Harryís protests, poured some dreamless potion down his throat and he fell instantly into a deep sleep.
There should be a comma after suddenly and this sentence is a run-on. It would be much better as a separate sentence.
The authorís biggest flaw however is unoriginality. Unfortunately this one of the hardest things to fix, but I have confidence in her. The clearest and most common example of this fault is the numerous clicheís she uses, for example:
His blood froze.
Simple sentences like this arenít necessary as the author does a great job of writing in a third-person narrative that has a feel of first, making the focus really on Harry Potter, not on each physical action. Instead of employing poor clichťs like this to try to get across the emotions that she has already told us about it would be much better if she just let Harryís thoughts express his horror.
Simplicity also comes with the burden of bluntness unfortunately, which can easily evolve into melodrama. For example in the passage where Harry is watching Ginny dies she (the author) showcases the shock of death wonderfully, but then spoils it, by telling us what we should be feeling.
He didnít see the ark of the spell slam into his stomach, scarlet eyes widen with anger, then shock and finally fright. He didnít see the most evil and feared wizard of all time crumple into a heap on the ground. All he cared about was Ginny.
However, regardless of the numerous faults I see enormous potential in A_Pink_Lady and immensely look foreword to reading any future work. I wish her only the best.



Author's Response: This review has left me completely speechless! Thank you for the most detailed review ever, i really appreciate the constructive critisism! I\'m still trying to improve my grammer and thank you for pointing out the \'unoriginality\' and what i need to avoid.. i didnt realise i was doing it and i will keep that in mind for the future. I wasnt that sure that the last bit would work, i originally just ended the story with the letter. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my one shot, this review has really cheered me up! Ps: Are u a member of SPEW? (they write fantastic reviews like this)

 

The Muggle and the Horcrux by Buckbeak22
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 37]

Summary: Lauren has always been Hermione's best girlfriend, but she is a Muggle. She plays the cello. How can that help Harry, Ron and Hermione in their quest to find the Horcruxes? O/C plus R/Hr and H/G

Categories: Alternate Universe Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 32071 Chapters: 8 Completed: No
Published:
03/04/07 Updated: 11/29/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/11/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: A Date with Ben

A lovely first chapter. Sorry this isn't going to be long as my first review. I enjoyed it emmensly but for some reason the Harry/OC possibilty rings sour with me. Perhaps I'm just a fan for characters to suffer. I think a little more information on how they integrated a muggle into their friendship would help, but I like the concept and the writing has a nice ring. I particularily liked the line about splitting yourself up into Dvorak. I personally would have one of my horacruxes be Schubert's Vocal Winterlese. Look foreward to the next chapter.
-Love,
Visceral Love

Author's Response: Hi! Don\'t worry about the Harry O/C possibility. Ain\'t going to happen. On the other hand, I think if Harry is as good looking as the books imply, that she would notice. And I think there will be quite enough suffering for you as it goes on! But you have to get through the happy clappy part first. I did write another story to go with this one, and then decided to write more about the character, but I can\'t work out how to put them together as a series. Just dense, I suppose, everyone else manages it. If you want to read it, it is called \"How I found My Best Friend Was a Witch.\" Did you mean Schubert\'s Winterreise? If so, what a wonderful choice. I used to sing it - before I had kids, and lost all my breath control, (even though my voice is more suited to French songs). I adore Schubert. If I had to do Horcruxes, they would probably all be musical, because I wouldn\'t be able to decide what to choose!

 

It Always Breaks by wendelin the wierd
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: The seventh child is always special.



Andromeda is depressed, the world is grey and Ted doesn't know what to do.



Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 891 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/05/07 Updated: 03/05/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/05/07 Title: Chapter 1: And They Break Too

It Always Breaks is one of the most innovative pieces of fanfiction that I have ever had the privilege to read. Itís written in second person, so in that spirit Iíve decided Iíd do my review in second person as well. (Normally I write reviews in third person.) Alrightí so letís hop to it.
You sit there perusing your usually ďMost Recently UpdatedĒ and click on the the story, It Always Breaks by wendelin the wierd, expecting the usual fare of darkness and angst, but with the lovely first sentence you are immediately caught off guard. Why? Because itís addressing you, not the reader, or another character but you. You have become Ted, Tonkís father, an underwritten and under appreciated character.
This is how it should be, you think, it always seems as if everything- everything is falling apart in your world, except it isnít.
You end up wondering if Wendelin means that everything should be falling apart, or that everything should look like it is. Either way this is a slightly confusing beginning which really does a disservice to the rest of the story. What she really does well is use the word choice to convey a character.
This time she looks up into your eyes, and they seem to be filled with some sort of wild fury.
The use of the phrase they seem to, convey the uncertainty and fragility of Ted and the wild further distances the couple. This growing distance is one of the one-shotís main themes. Overall, this was an incredibly skillful and innovative piece, and Iíll be on the look-out for more of Wendilinís work, and you should be too.

 

Full Moon's Lament by FenrirG
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: A young werewolf awaits his first full moon with lycanthropy.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 184 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/08/07 Updated: 03/12/07


Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/16/07 Title: Chapter 1: Poem

The poem was pretty good. You have a good feel for rhyme and there was a really great flow. I only had a couple of issues one there was really no strikingly descriptive lines as a result of the rhyme, which in my opinion is really the purpose of poetry. And two, this line:
As the moon rears like a snake.

A snake in my opinion does not rear and that image seems a little bit off. All in all valiant and great first attempt I look foreward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Author's Response: XD Double review! See the one above. ;-)

 
Reviewer: Visceral Love Signed
Date: 03/16/07 Title: Chapter 1: Poem

The poem was pretty good. You have a good feel for rhyme and there was a really great flow. I only had a couple of issues one there was really no strikingly descriptive lines as a result of the rhyme, which in my opinion is really the purpose of poetry. And two, this line:
As the moon rears like a snake.

A snake in my opinion does not rear and that image seems a little bit off. All in all valiant and great first attempt I look foreward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Author's Response: Hello, and thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my poem!

I actually wasn\'t all to pleased with this particular poem... I\'ll definitely keep in mind your suggestions, thank you so much! (Oh, and as for the snake.... Kind of like how a cobra coils up into the air to strike, you know? =P)

Thanks again! ~Fenn

 
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