I'm Jennifer. I write fics for your enjoyment (well, mostly my own, but I hope you enjoy it too).
Oh, that was so cute, Heather. :) You’ve done a wonderful job at the shy, nervous ‘I-like-you-but-do-you-like-me?’ relationship between Ron and Hermione; it’s very realistic – and true to canon – and they’re both very much in character. This little piece could have easily slipped into Jo’s world, I think.
I loved the incident with Ron’s shoes. It was such a Ron thing to do, and Harry trying to tell him was hilarious. The bickering between Ron and Hermione was wonderful, as well. You did it perfectly, them being furious at each other and having poor Harry trapped in the middle.
I thought Ron was very well characterised in this fic – how he tries so hard to impress people with his Quidditch playing, and how he exaggerates everything when he’s angry. Calling Hermione ‘the school tart’ was probably going a bit far, in my opinion, but I suppose he was mad. Apart from that little detail, I absolutely loved him. :)
With Harry, though, I think in some parts he’s a little out of character – for example, when he’s comforting Hermione towards the end of the fic. It’s Harry, remember, and when it comes to girls and their feelings he’s completely out of his depth. I think it would have been a little more in-character if he made an awkward attempt to comfort Hermione, or try to tell her something that wouldn’t help at all – I don’t think he would really know what to do with her in tears like that. His temper, especially during Quidditch, was absolutely spot-on, though. It was so funny.
I have a problem with Hermione dating Cormac and kissing him all the time like Ron does with Lavender. I know this is clearly an AU fic, and you can really do what you like with the characters, but I just can’t see Hermione’s character doing that. I don’t think she’d lead someone on just to make Ron jealous – she’s a smarter girl than that. But I suppose it is the basis of your whole fic, and even though it seems a bit of an out of character thing for Hermione to do, she’s still very Hermione-ish throughout the whole story.
Your style of writing is wonderful, dear – you’re very good at description, and your dialogue is amazing, truly. You’ve got how each character speaks down perfect. However, in some parts, your writing just doesn’t flow quite as nicely as it could – your sentences are mostly straight to the point, and just tell the reader what’s happening. Instead of just using words like ‘shocked’ and ‘angry’, you could show and elaborate on what the character’s reaction to things are, and describe it with a bit more detail. And that was very rambly and probably very confusing, so simply – try to show things, rather than just tell them.
The ending was just adorable, dear. It was one of those cute fluffy ones that just make me want to squee with happiness. >.> Harry, being so clueless, and Ron fighting back his smile … sigh. Absolutely fabulous, my dear. Especially the last line. :D I look forward to reading more of your work!
Author's Response: Aw, thank you Jen :) I do struggle with characterization so i'll go back and try to make Hermione and Harry a bit more believable. And also describing things. I'm glad you liked it and thank you for the tips! <3
What an absolutely wonderful fic this is, Hannah. I’m with what you said in your end notes – when I was reading DH, those few lines by the little girl really jumped out to me. It’s one of the parts that just make that book what it is, and I think you’ve done a lovely job at capturing the story behind it.
It’s so different, reading the final battle through the eyes of a twelve year old girl, as opposed to Harry. It makes everything seem so much more real and frightening, because Charlotte isn’t supposed to be there and she has hardly any idea what’s going on. When she’s being tortured, I think the fact that she doesn’t even understand why it’s happening is what makes it all the worse – she doesn’t deserve it. She’s just a little girl. That part really makes the reader realise just how horrifying war can actually be. The magnitude of the pain so many people go through – it’s horrible to try to comprehend.
The beginning is written very well, and it goes along at a nice pace – fast and panicky, but not too much so, as Charlotte hasn’t fully realised what’s happening yet. I was horrified when she got left behind. I knew it was coming, but it just makes me want to scream. Partly because even if that wasn’t how Charlotte stayed at Hogwarts in canon, it would have happened to some of them. :( And I can’t help but feel for Myrtle, who would have no idea what happened to her friend.
However, in the middle where Charlotte is running around Hogwarts but not finding any fighters, you sort of drag it out a bit. There’s … six and a half paragraphs of just Charlotte looking for somewhere to go, and I don’t think you needed anywhere near that much. There’s fast-paced action either side of it, and in those six paragraphs you kind of lose your reader’s attention. You could easily cut that, and have Charlotte running around for the same amount of time, just in fewer words.
Your writing is very descriptive, and I love how you bring across Charlotte’s emotions. Some parts are just beautiful, and really made me feel for her. For example, when she was being tortured: She heard the laughter from her attacker, she heard her own scream pierce the night, audible above all the other battle sounds. That line almost gave me shivers – you captured the whole moment so perfectly. The attacker’s laughter brings home the awfulness that he is actually enjoying this. *shudders*
The ending with Ginny was especially beautiful – as I couldn’t help but think back to DH and remember how Harry perceived them. I can almost feel Charlotte’s agony and yearning to return home, and it makes it all the worse that she’s never going to get there. I don’t think I’ll ever read that part in the same way again, knowing that she dies. Your ending has really showed the futility of the battle and how there would be so many lives torn apart because of silly little things like being left behind.
Thank you for a truly heart-wrenching read, Hannah.
When I heard this was posted, I was a little hesitant, because after all the promotion it had on the boards I wasn’t sure whether it could live up to the reputation that preceded it.
But it outdid it. Wow, Jess. This was amazing.
This was a lovely first chapter. I loved how you got right into what was happening, and you’ve weaved the introduction to Dacia’s character throughout the whole chapter, along with her feelings about being a werewolf. It makes it flow very well.
I was actually really surprised to learn that Dacia was a werewolf. I thought that this fic was going to be centered around vampires and vampires only. I’m not disappointed, though. It will be really good to read a fic with a humane werewolf as the main character.
It’s a different type of werewolf to what we’ve seen in the books, which is just Fenrir, who sees the lycanthropy as an advantage; and Remus, who does well living a normal life despite it. Dacia obviously does not have friends who overlook her condition, and she definitely doesn’t enjoy it, so it will be interesting to see her perspective.
I think you captured her emotions really well. Her loneliness, hatred of herself … it was all written wonderfully.
Last night was the reason she was injured, but most importantly, it was the essence of hell as those nights always were.
This line literally made me shiver. It was phrased beautifully. Essence of hell … you should be a horror writer, Jess. Although I suspect this fic is heading in that direction. :]
I’m really curious as to what made Dacia take Dante home from the bar. It didn’t seem very IC of her. To me, Dacia seemed to be full of self-pity, and didn’t really care too much about other people. I think there must be some subconscious desire for companionship, despite what she insists to herself.
Upside: it was her first guest ever in her apartment.
That made me laugh. I can see the relationship between them already. :]
You’re driving me crazy with not knowing what will happen. The summary doesn’t give too much away, and you haven’t revealed much of the plot so far. I’m really interested to see what you’re going to do with such original characters and setting.
Anyway, Jess, I really enjoyed this chapter, and I can’t wait to read the next one. This will be going on my favourites (which is a high honor, believe me. :]) Good work!
Author's Response: Aw, thanks Jen! This was supersuper sweet. Isn\'t it nice to see that Dacia is a werewolf, and that it\'ll be from her perspective? And I love all of the compliments on Dacia especially when I am not very fond of her; it\'s probably because I know more of her. Haha, expect horror.(: I guess you\'ll have to figure out what the plotline is then, eh while waiting in antagonizing suspense? hah. All I\'ll say, it pay attention to the last line of the summary, that\'s the only hint.
*squishes SPEW buddy*
What a gorgeous story! I have a word document of comments for you, so let’s get straight into them, shall we?
First, you have a beautiful style of writing. I think I may have mentioned this in another review I gave you, but I’ll say it again all the same. You use very short, sharp sentences, and they get the point across immediately. It worked really well; because everything Narcissa is writing is urgent, and the tone of the fic suits it perfectly. My English teacher would kill you, though. ^_^ You repeatedly end sentences and start the next one with ‘and’. I like the effect of this, but you do it so often that it detracts from the impact it would usually have, and in some places, it would just work better to have a comma so it flows better. For example:
And when that day comes, our son will be gone. And all your effort will have been in vain.
I think this would work much better if you removed the ‘and’ from the beginning, and used a comma instead after ‘gone’. All it does is put emphasis on a sentence that doesn’t necessarily need the emphasis. Do you see what I mean?
Your description, though, is gorgeous. You have a gift for it, sweetie. I’m not overly brilliant at being descriptive, and using adjectives, so I really love how you’ve done it. You’ve captured the emotions of Narcissa and Draco really well, especially since it’s a letter, and you’re not specifically telling the reader how they feel.
I love your characterisation of the Malfoys. I never really thought much of them up until the end of book seven, where they changed slightly, and I realised that they may have minds of their own after all. :] You’ve portrayed this perfectly. You show a different side to the Malfoys to what we see in canon, but you’ve written it so it’s still plausible, especially after the events in DH. I like how Narcissa seems like she’s trying to reach out to Lucius; to the husband she once loved.
If I were the one given the task of telling him such things, I would be brushed off immediately and dismissed as weak, with female fears.
Ah. Such is the ways of evil purebloods. :] Okay, so I put that badly, but you know what I mean. This sentence is so typical of a woman who has grown up as a Black, and then married to a Malfoy. I’d imagine Narcissa to have grown up being taught to hold her tongue, because she was just an insignificant girl, and then probably to have an arranged or forced marriage to a man who thought the same way. She wouldn’t expect people to listen to her opinions. You brought that across wonderfully, even though I don’t know if that was the point you were trying to make or not. >.>
I only have one very small nitpick.
Our son is standing at the metaphorical fork in the path.
This sentence just doesn’t agree with me. I think you could leave out ‘metaphorical’, and just have ‘our son is standing at a fork in the path.’ It would make it flow a lot better. You don’t really need ‘metaphorical’, because it is clear that it is metaphorical, and the letter is filled with so many elusive phrases like this one that it doesn’t even need to be singled out.
The ending almost brought a tear to my eye. :] I think you would do brilliantly at writing a Lucius/Narcissa fic, my dear. Because even though I’ve never been a fan of the Malfoy’s, you make me realise that they do love each other underneath everything, and they care for each other and for Draco immensely.
Finally, I’m rather curious as to why this is titled: ‘You Have A Why.’ I would have thought you would call it ‘You Have A Reason’, or something similar to that. I’m not against the title, I actually really like it. It caught my eye when I was scrolling down your author’s page. But I’m just asking; because you can’t really own a ‘why’, can you?
Oh dear. This review is almost as long as your actual fic, hun. >.> Anyway, I was utterly thrilled with it. It’s absolutely stunning, and definitely my favourite fic of yours. You’re a wonderful writer. Not that I ever doubted it, of course. :] Well done again!
Author's Response: Jen! \r\n
\r\nThank you so much for the lovely review. Let me see...ah yes, the title. Why did I chose it? Well, I was originally going to write another letter from Lucius that was going to use the title cleverly (since abandoned). I think it just kind of stuck. Also, can you really own a reason? How many other people do things for their children? I think that such things are sort of public domain...plus, it sounded neat! \r\n
\r\n*snickers* I do have a tendency to irritate English teachers, it\'s true. Fortunately, I got to do creative writing this year, so my teacher was pleased with my style. :D I think I will go back and get rid of some of the \'ands\', though. Thank you for the suggestion. \r\n
\r\nAh yes, such is the problem with very short letters. Thank you so much (again) for a review that nearly surpassed my word count. \r\n
Hello, Bine! I was looking for another fic to review, and I thought I might do this one, seeing as it was in the Hufflepuff Review Thread. It looked lonely, way down the bottom of the page there. So hopefully this will revive it. :)
This was a lovely first chapter; it definitely sets the setting for what is sure to be a very intriguing story. I admit I have a soft spot for the Blacks, especially the ones who aren’t usually written about. The Black family are very intriguing, and it’s so interesting to read about the Pureblood mania back when it was still a big deal.
That said, I think you’ve created a family that are perfect Blacks. The way you’ve described them – their gracefulness, the discipline the parents have over their children, and the obvious pride they show – it’s wonderful. I love Phineas’ character – he reminds me a lot of Regulus, and how proud he was to be better than everyone.
Having the story written through the eyes of a ten year old girl was certainly a good idea – I haven’t read the rest of the chapters, so I don’t know if this changes, but it was definitely a good start. Usually when fics are centered around children they’re written in third person, so this was very refreshing – and also very interesting. Isla sees her world differently, being so young and not yet exposed to the wonders of Hogwarts.
Now, am I right in thinking that English is not your first language? If it is, then just ignore this. XD But if I’m right and it isn’t, then I have to say that you write amazingly well for that. Your description is amazing – I love how you depict the bedroom at the start. It immediately shows that girls are obviously a treasured thing in the Black House, and Isla is quite a spoiled little girl.
I was rather curious at how Phin described the Hogwarts houses. The way you wrote them, it sounds like being in Hufflepuff was not a bad thing for a Black – although, when the books are written, the Slytherins look down on Hufflepuff almost as much as he does Gryffindor. I’d imagine this is because the fic is set so much earlier, but still, the friction between houses has been going on since before then. So is it maybe because of your soft spot for your own house? ;)
The ending surprised me a little, I wasn’t expecting Isla’s father to beat her. For some reason, I’d imagined her to be their little darling – surely she would be a sweet girl after Elladora. But I actually really liked how it ties into the story and the characterization – the Blacks are clearly not a family who want to be embarrassed in public, especially by a daydreaming daughter who takes off her shoes without realising it.
All in all, I really enjoyed this. It was a brilliant portrayal of a typical Black family, and I think I may have to continue and read the rest now. You’ve got me interested. :) Thank you!
Author's Response: O.O SPEW review! Yay! I love getting SPEW reviews. *hugglesquishes* And thanks for reviving the Hufflepuff Review Circle - I thought I'd killed it with asking for a review for my WIP-baby. :(
And yes, you're right. English is not my mother tongue; German is (I'm from Germany). Therefore, thank you very much for the compliment, Jen. And yay that I got you interested with the story so that you want to go on reading. I promise it's getting better as the story goes on. =D Much better. lol
And hehee, about the soft spot for Hufflepufflyness... eh, yes, maybe, I'm not sure. Actually, it's more or less because relatives of Isla (not Blacks by birth) are/were in Hufflepuff, so as long as they fit into the pure-blood, well-behaved world view of the Blacks, then I guess even Slytheriny Blacks have nothing to say about family members being in Hufflepuff. And really, influence and money play a much bigger role than in which house relatives were, at least that's what I think.
Anyway, enough with me rambling. Thanks for your amazing review! *picklesquishhuggles* You're more than welcome to come back. ;p
Every fic you’ve written already has about a million good reviews. The SPEWlings have been busy, I see. I haven’t read the other ones for this fic, so I’m sorry if I repeat something. :) Anyway. Review.
Yay SPEW Buddies! :) This was wonderful, Britt. I’ve never read a fic about the infamous prank before, so it was interesting to see how it was written. You get my approval; I think it would fit perfectly well into canon. I think this is the first fic of yours I’ve read, too, so I’d just like to say that you live up to all your expectations, it was written beautifully. :)
The first few paragraphs were wonderful. They were so descriptive, and drew me into the story straight away – an even better achievement since you can’t tell by the summary what it’s going to be about, so you need to capture the reader’s interest like that. But you really set the tone for the story – depressing and painful. It introduced us to how the characters were feeling brilliantly.
The Marauders were all very well characterised. They didn’t seem to be as cheerful and funny as they usually are, but considering the setting of the story and the fact that they were basically in the middle of a fight at the time, it works well. James was perfect – his determinedness at finding Snape and protecting Remus was very Gryffindor. Also, Sirius at the beginning was hilarious – how he tries to cheer Remus up with the fact that he still got to sneak into Hogsmeade.
I wasn’t too sure about Snape, though – most of the fic he didn’t seem malicious enough for me. Usually around the Marauders he’s very touchy and aggravated, but a lot of the time he was just too calm. His speech at the end, though, was perfect. Very Snape-like.
However, your dialogue distracted me a bit. At first I couldn’t figure out why, but then I realised that it was because you hardly used the word “said” at all – you used every other word you could instead, like “breathed”, “sighed” and “commanded”. I don’t know if you did this intentionally or not. You needn’t be afraid to use the word, dear – I know sometimes it feels like you’re overusing it, and your readers will notice, but it actually has the opposite effect; “said” is basically a full-stop for dialogue. No one notices it, they only notice if you don’t use it. If you use too many other words in it’s place, it detracts from what is being spoken, and feels out of sync.
Also, this little sequence didn’t agree with me:
‘You told him?’ Sirius sighed.
‘Yes. I wasn’t sure what you were going on about at first, but once I figured it out....’
‘It’s better this way. Thanks, mate,’ Sirius answered.
It just didn’t seem very in character. I doubt Sirius would be that calm about what has just happened – he’d probably be more shocked as he realised what he’s done, and worried about Snape or how much trouble he’s going to get into. Maybe if you added some description in there about how he was feeling it would flow better. Later on Sirius gets back on track and seems more concerned, it’s just that one segment that doesn’t feel right.
I really, really enjoyed this, dear. Like I said before, it would fit perfectly into canon. We never actually hear the real story, just parts of it, and I think you’ve managed to portray the Marauders wonderfully, considering we never actually see them in such a dire situation. Everyone can characterise them being their usual selves, it takes skill to characterise them in a situation they’re not usually in. :) Thank you for writing this, it was a lovely read. *squishes SPEW buddy*
Cassie! :) I realised earlier that I’ve never actually read any of your Ted/Andromeda fics, even though you have as many of them as you do next-gen ones. And I’m glad I did sit down to read this and leave you a review, because this is just as good – if not better – as your other fics.
This was so dark and haunting. You only give your readers a hint of an idea of what Andromeda’s life is like with the Blacks and the Slytherins, and it leaves this shroud of mystery over it, and you can’t help but pity her knowing that she’s trapped by her family and Rabastan. It’s a little like she’s been brainwashed, and although she doesn’t want to be there she doesn’t have the energy to fight her way out.
I thought the first meeting with Ted was just perfect. It’s a really nice touch how she stands there in his warmth, because it’s kind of like he’s protecting her from the cold, which is a nice touch to show his caring, protective nature later that appears later in the fic. His character struck me immediately – he just seemed like such a Hufflepuff. :) One problem I had with this little segment was this line: Each of their faces was distorted with anger … It just seems a little far-fetched for them to all be so angry at one girl holding up their path for about thirty seconds, especially since Ted is talking to her.
The scene with Rabastan and Andromeda in the classroom was really well-written. Like, scarily well-written. You’ve made Rabastan into such a cold, terrifying character. It interested me how he showed her his Dark Mark proudly – you get the impression that he thinks it’s a great achievement, but being at school he wouldn’t have been doing much of Voldemort’s bidding, and I don’t think he quite realises what he’s up for yet.
I sucked in a breath as his fingers crept up under my shirt. This was my favourite line of the entire fic. It was just so chilling – I actually got shivers up my spine reading it. The use of the word “crept” is brilliant, I think. I can practically feel his cold fingers on me. Ugh. That whole scene is so disturbingly creepy, but in a way that isn’t too graphic or horrifying. Well done.
The last few bits of dialogue between Ted and Andromeda are really lovely, but I have a bit of the problem with him saying that he’ll marry her before Rabastan does. Even though it’s slightly justified with his apology, I just feel like it’s a bit much considering he’s only spoken to her for a brief few minutes in his entire life. Even if he’d said he’d kill Rabastan or something similar, I think that would have been a bit less intense, if you know what I mean. A proposal of marriage just seems a bit extreme, even if she was nearly raped.
I love the whole “don’t apologise” thing that runs throughout the fic. It ties in really well with Ted making Andromeda care and feel again. I don’t know if you intended this or not, but it’s as if he’s showing her that she doesn’t have to apologise for who she is or what she does, which would be a stark contrast to her life before, where everything she did was wrong. It’s a lovely little theme and it really makes the fic, in my opinion. :) Thanks so much for this gorgeous read, Cass.
Oooh, that was so amazing, Kelly. Have I ever told you that I fangirl your writing? Because I do. Really. :)
I’m not usually a huge Sirius/Lily fan – I’m usually quite opposed to that relationship, actually. A James/Lily girl through and though. That said, I’m surprised at how much I really enjoyed this. Even though I don’t actually think it would have, I can see this happening in canon, if you understand what I mean. Everyone is very much in character.
Now, I haven’t read For Him, so I don’t know your Sirius/Lily back story. Did anything actually happen between them? It sounds as if it did, but I’m not sure. I should really go and read it. ^_^ Despite that, I still really liked the relationship between the pair. It was so … intense. I could tell that to some degree, Lily loves Sirius, and she’s trying so hard not to break his heart.
You have the most beautiful writing style, dear. Seriously, I don’t know a single person who writes as powerfully as you do. The short, sharp sentences, and the repetitive phrases … it keeps it so interesting. You never use a single word that you don’t have to, and the effect is brilliant. :)
What an absolutely, bloody, miserable day that was. This line made me laugh. It’s so … Sirius. You’ve characterised him so wonderfully. He’s sitting around drinking and feeling sorry for himself, but he still never loses his unwavering loyalty to James, which I like. Even in the depths of his despair about Lily, he’s still happy for his best friend.
Hm. The line: He is a close friend and deserves a wonderful life doesn’t really sit well with me. “Close friend” just seems far too formal for talking about Sirius’ relationship with James, especially when you’ve already spoken of them being “like brothers”. I just can’t see Sirius referring to James like that.
I liked the little detail of Sirius pretending for a moment that he was marrying Lily – it was so beautiful, and so heartbreaking. Poor Sirius. He’s in such a hopeless situation. :( Your fic has gotten me all emotional, hee.
All in all, it was an absolutely beautiful story, Kelly. I loved it, even with my aversion to Sirius/Lily. ^_^ Very well done, dear.
Author's Response: Awk. I love you, Jen. Thank you SO much for the review. I seriously (Siriusly?) wasn't expecting it at all, and it just made me so excited and happy to see that someone (and then you, on top of that) had left me a fantastic review. In For Him, Lily and Sirius had a nice, little and very secret relationship which Lily breaks off because she begins to tire of it. Sirius is caught in that position of "I love her, but do I love James more..." Essentially, this does stand on its own, but that was the cute back story to explain just a few of their actions, here. I think that I agree with you on the "close friend" thing. At that point, Sirius is pretty smashed (emotionally, mostly >.>), so he probably wouldn't speak so nicely, if he ever spoke that way in the first place. Hmm. Perhaps if I replaced it with "He is a brother..." - that might be good. Again, thank you SO MUCH for leaving me a review. *hugs tightly*
O.o Cassie, why on earth didn’t you tell me that you had an absolutely FABULOUS Rose/Scorpius fic up? (Well, Rose/Scorpius/Lily, but still.) I’m sorry, but you can’t not tell me these things. It’s unfair. *pouts* You should know how much I love to read them.
Anyway, this was omgsqueedieamazing! Seriously. I can’t remember the last time I actually reacted out loud to a story, but I did in this one. The banter between Rose and Scorpius was so natural – and so full of sexual tension ;) – that I couldn’t help but laugh and gasp along with the characters, especially when he asks her what she’s doing in Hogsmeade – I was expecting him to actually ask her out, but the way you did it was so adorable, and made me love your Scorpius even more.
Speaking of him, I think you characterised him really well – and really uniquely, which was a pleasant surprise. You’ve kind of made him a light-hearted, unpredictable teenager, who doesn’t seem to care too much what people think of him. I liked his moodiness, though – it’s very reminiscent of Draco. It kind of completes his character, and identifies him more as a Malfoy, which was lacking in his otherwise easy-going nature.
I like the way you characterised Rose – a bit like her mother with the studiousness, and a bit like her father with not thinking before she speaks. ;) I would have liked to see a little more originality, though. She seems a bit generic, if you know what I mean – she didn’t really have any qualities that made her stand out. It is the first chapter, though, so I’ll wait and see.
Rose and Lily’s relationship really intrigued me – I’ve always expected all the cousins to get along, especially those two families. I had never really considered that there might be some friction, but I suppose that’s natural, once I think about it. And it was good that you didn’t go over-the-top, and made them mortal enemies, which would have been easy to do in a fic like this, but very silly and unnecessary. I like how they just make these annoying little remarks – they love each other, but they clearly don’t get along very well.
One thing I would have liked to see more of is description. Your story seems to run entirely on dialogue and action – there is virtually no description of anything in here. I’m hopeless at description myself – I know it can be hard to write when you just want to get the story down. However, when it’s completely void of any description, it’s hard for the reader to get a grasp of the scene, and it loses their attention a bit. You need to really pull your reader in, by describing how the characters look and where they are and what things are like around them. The use of the senses works wonders, too – describing smells and sounds and tastes. You did an excellent job of describing emotion, though – you don’t need to change a thing there. :)
Another slight problem I had with this was how quickly Rose and Scorpius’ relationship evolved. They went from barely knowing each other to practically dating in just a few hours, which just doesn’t seem very realistic to me. It develops reasonably well in the beginning, but at the end I think there are a few cracks – especially with them holding hands and how you basically say they’re in a relationship just after he’s asked her out. I can’t really see that happening. There are a lot of hurdles between being asked to Hogsmeade and being a couple, but you’ve missed them. Real relationships tend to develop more slowly than this one did.
You need to watch your placement of apostrophes – there are a few instances where you’ve put them in the wrong spot. For example:
…not one of the kindest cousin’s I could have hoped for… - it should just be cousins.
…but the Malfoy’s and the Potter’s were hardly family friends. - again, just Malfoys and Potters.
All in all, I thought this was simply wonderful, Cass. It’s been a while since I read a Rose and Scorpius apart from my own, so it was very refreshing to see a different portrayal, especially one done so well. ^_^ You’re a natural at writing dialogue, and the chemistry between Rose and Scorpius. I’ll have to read the next two chapters now!
Author's Response: *squee* JEN! Thanks so much for this amazing review. I totally agree about my lack of description; I've only recently discovered my love for it. I'll remove those apostrophes as well. I'm off to read your other reviews now :D ~ Cass x
AHAHAHAHA. Cassie, I absolutely LOVE this story. It is, quite honestly, one of the best things I’ve read in ages. This chapter was even better than the last! You are fabulous, my dear.
Oh my gosh, I adore Lily. *grins* She is absolutely perfect. You’ve done it again – you pulled a wonderfully original character out of someone I’ve never really thought about. I haven’t written or read anything that really focuses on her, and in this fic she hit me out of nowhere. She’s so … vindictive. It’s AWESOME. :D She’s a character that people can really relate to, though. Everyone knows how horrible heartbreak is – and I’m sure most know the feeling of wanting to kill whoever stole your love’s heart away from you, even if it is your cousin. >.>
Scorpius, again, I loved. He’s so adorably sweet, and you keep me guessing with him. It’s hard to figure out how he really feels about Lily, and what’s going through his head. I expect I’ll find out in the next chapter, hee. :)
This story is so engaging. I haven’t read about many love triangles in the HPverse before, so it’s quite invigorating to read something that’s original and fresh. I think what pulls me in so much is that I don’t know what’s going to happen in the end. In fanfiction especially, that is hard to do, so well done, dear.
I’m stopping this review here so I can read the last chapter now. :D What will Albus do? O.o
Author's Response: YAY! I'm SO glad you like my Lily. I love her, too. She's sort of evil but at the same time I don't really blame her. And I love that you love Scorpius, he's someone I enjoyed writing. I can't remember why I decided to write this love triangle, but I'm happy you're enjoying it. I smiled big as I read this review. Thanks, dear. x
Um, no, Cass. Wrong. You cannot end it there. Do you want me to die of agony while I wait for you to clear up what happened? Write that follow-up. Now. *glares*
Needless to say, I adored this chapter. It was lovely to finally be able to see into Scorpius’ head, and know what he’s thinking. I feel terrible for Lily, the poor girl. The over-protective brother thing was a nice touch, as was Scorpius’ unwillingness to say what really happened. I’m glad you saved her that embarrassment, at least. >.< Look what you’ve done to me. I’m talking about your characters as though they’re real people.
I have to tell you something, and I don’t think you’re going to like it. >.> Parts of this chapter reminded me a lot of Twilight. I’m sure you didn’t do it intentionally, but Scorpius and Rose act remarkably like Edward and Bella here and there. For instance, when Scorpius is telling Rose that Lily kissed him – how he can’t tell what she’s thinking, and he keeps getting frustrated by it. Also, how Rose doesn’t react much when she hears this. Any normal girl would be horribly upset about it, but she masks her emotions, much like Bella. Ooh, and Scorpius’ reluctance to kiss her after that conversation. Sorry. ^_^ I had to tell you.
Again, I love the chemistry between your characters. It’s absolutely brilliant – it really draws the reader in, and makes the story so realistic and engaging. You portray emotions exceptionally well, and being able to identify with the character’s feelings really draws people into a story. I would have liked to see more description still, even though you’ve improved on that as well.
I particularly liked Scorpius’ attitude towards Rose’s opinion of his family – he really is a true Malfoy. He doesn’t agree with what his father did, but he’s not ashamed of it, if you know what I mean. He’s very proud, and won’t take anyone talking badly about his family, even if it is his beloved Rose. Their little fight at the end was really well-done.
This is amazing, Cass. I haven’t gotten so into a fic in ages. *taps fingers waiting* I want a sequel. :D
Author's Response: I'm so sorry :D I've written a follow up one shot, although it doesn't necessarily have to be read after this story, so hopefully you'll like it when it's submitted :D The Twilight thing made me laugh, I hadn't thought about that at all. I did write this story during a Twilight phase though, so maybe that's how it translated into the story... I don't know. I do usually prefer to write about emotions rather than description of the setting, but I've been working on that. I'm so glad you enjoyed this story, I was afraid no one was interested in it. I'm officially inspired to write more of this pairing... Love you, dear. x
They are insane.
They are both in St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. I believe Neville visits them, with his grandmother, during the holidays.
They do not recognise him.
Frank and Alice Longbottom suffered a terrible fate. It is not one to wish on even your worst enemy. Maybe their fate was written in the stars, and maybe it wasn’t. But, before it happened, pre-set or not, they had a life. They shared a story together. You know how it ends. Do you know how it goes?
This was so sweet, Mere. I adored it. I’m the biggest romantic in the world, and I just eat up stories like these. Alice and Frank! At their wedding! In the face of danger! You can’t get much more romantic that that. ^_^
You’re amazing at description, dear. The first few paragraphs really pulled me into the story – which surprised me, because I prefer stories that open with a bang. But you set the scene beautifully, and I could practically see the Longbottom mansion bursting at the seams with cheerfulness and people while the rest of the neighbourhood stays miserable.
I loved how you’ve portrayed Alice. I think every girl in the world can relate to her and her dreams of the perfect wedding, and finding the right man to marry. She was so realistic, and you did an excellent job at showing just how incredibly happy she is. I can almost see Alice in her wedding dress, with that huge smile on her face. :)
One thing I would have liked to see, though, were some traits of Neville in his parents. You did a bit in Alice’s looks and attitude, but it would have been nice to see either Frank or Alice a bit more nervous – especially on their wedding day – or a little bit clumsy, even. A little reminder of their future son would have fit this perfectly. It is just the first chapter, though, so Neville-ness could always appear later.
The proposal, too, was just so sweet. This chapter was just drenched in romance and fluff, but it’s good romance and fluff, so well done. I actually made an ‘aww’ noise when Frank proposed, I was that caught up in it.
Your minor characters were a bit hard to keep track of, dear – you introduced all these names at once. In my opinion, you shouldn’t really introduce so many OCs at once – it makes it a lot harder to keep track of names and faces and who did what. You’ve introduced a lot of OCs in one go here – it might have been better to just keep it to a few, and bring in the rest later. I know most of them were necessary for the story, but perhaps you could use names mentioned in canon or something, just to make it easier for your reader to remember.
I liked the last little passage between Alice and Frank, but it would have been nice if you had extended on that a bit more. It was the perfect opportunity for some foreshadowing of what would happen to the couple, and you could have shown Frank’s concern a bit more, so you can really see the extent of his love for his wife. The mood of the last part changes a bit too abruptly, and it doesn’t flow so smoothly.
That said, I really enjoyed this, Mere. It was an absolutely adorable chapter, so thank you very much for allowing me to read it. :)
Author's Response: -hitsheadondesk- God, it's only been, what, four months? -facepalm- I don't know why I didn't respond to this earlier . . . Sorry! :o Aw, Jen, you have no idea how much those comments mean to me - about the setting and the romance. -squishes- Thank you so much! Mmm . . . I did worry if I overloaded on OCs, but I *hoped* I could make it work since it is a wedding, and weddings have lots of people and friends . . . >.> I'll try to make Alice and Frank more Neville-esque in the later chapters. Thank you sososososo much for your review, love. It makes we want to go and write a ton of Alice and Frank now. =) Thank you for honoring me by reading and reviewing it. ;D xox Mere
Wow. Just ... wow. That was absolutely breathtaking, seriously.
It was such a drastic change from Reluctant Love - definitely not what I was expecting. But I think I liked it even more than RL. :D I was expecting it to be somewhat of an immediate follow-up, with what happened after the incident at the end of chapter three. In all honestly, I had expected Rose and Scorpius to get back together. Not stay away from each other for a year. >.<
The beginning of this was just wonderful – so mysterious. I love how you’ve made this fic work so well as a stand-alone as well as a companion piece. The start draws you in immediately, regardless of whether or not you know the back story.
The scene with Daniel and Scorpius inside was just adorable, as well, and I kind of wish Daniel had been in RL. He’s quite a lovely little character. Their little conversation about being the only two nice Slytherins was great as well – Daniel wanting to be labelled nice and Scorpius not. :D Also, on a little side note, when you called them men I gave a little sigh. It was a nice touch. Scorpius really has grown up from Hogwarts.
I love Scorpius’ presence, how he can seem so sure of himself, when inside he’s just wondering what the hell he’s doing. You’ve characterised him very well, and he seems much like the Scorpius I loved from RL, except a bit older and wiser and … more guarded, which ties in very well with his feelings now about Rose.
It’s interesting that you don’t mention Rose for the first part of the fic. A very nice touch. Even though Scorpius isn’t thinking or talking about her, you can just feel her presence on the edge of his thoughts. She’s there, even when she’s not, if you understand me. ^_^
Your writing … guh. Seriously, Cass. It’s beautiful. Another drastic change from RL. The styles you’ve written them in are extremely different – RL was very dialogue-centric, relying on action, but this was amazingly descriptive and just beautiful. You’ve really revealed your true writing skills in this, dear. ;) Brilliant. I could copy and paste a hundred lines that I thought were absolutely gorgeous, because I honestly loved them all. Your writing is so beautiful. You portray emotions and feelings so realistically.
The only thing I would have liked to see more of is character description – with the year that’s elapsed since we’ve last seen these two, a little physical description of them would have been nice. It helps the reader to visualise the characters, and it would have worked wonderfully with Scorpius’ reaction to seeing her again.
I loved Rose, as usual. Her mysterious (perhaps slightly drunken?) talk about fate and life without Scorpius was so perfect. Maybe a bit profound for their first re-meeting, but then again, it is Rose. :)
It struck Scorpius that perhaps the owner of this home had quite a lot of friends, perhaps a lot more than he himself had.
This line is probably my favourite. :D One, because it’s really funny, and two, because it really shows a lot about Scorpius. I love that he’s just had this little realisation that being spiteful towards people really isn’t getting him anywhere in life, and it’s certainly not winning him any friends.
‘I’m never confident,’ she said. ‘Not when I’m with you.’
Wistful sigh. That was so sweet. I loved how it just managed to break down ever barrier Scorpius had put up to stop himself falling for her again. :) And then the ending … definitely my favourite part of the whole fic. It was just so romantic. He can’t live without her. Aww.
Um, I completely agree with you when you say you should write more. Dude, I’m in love with this pairing, especially how you write them. I’m your number one fangirl! Write more for me, at least. :P (And I’m totally flattered that you mentioned me in the chapter note. ^_^)
Author's Response: JEN. You have no idea how big my smile was through this whole review. I fangirl your reviews! I know, my writing has changed a lot since that first chapter of Reluctant Love. I definitely do not rely on dialogue these days. In fact, I avoid it. lol. I like Daniel, too. I wish there could be more of him. Perhaps if I do more Rose/Scorpius, he'll be there. He's a good friend for Scorpius. More grounded, I think. I'm really glad you liked the ending, too. I was worried about how well I did it. I'm sososo glad you liked it, dear. I'm inspired to write more now. lol. Thank you for such a wonderful review. ~ Cass x
How did James get Lily to reconsider he might be better than the giant squid? How did Harry propose to Ginny? And how do Rose and her mother make Ron grumpy despite the holiday food?Three generations of redheads and certain significant Christmases in their lives...
So I know I’ve already reviewed this once, but I thought I might give you something a bit more substantial. I just reread it, and I’m still amazed that such a fabulous story was written for me. :) You’re one of my favourite authors, and you have no idea how perfectly you managed to capture my prompts.
The Lily/James one is probably my favourite. I love how simple and Christmassy it is, and although there’s not much romance there’s just that feeling of love and warmth about it. You characterised them all so well – I’ve always imagined James’ parents to be just like that, so kind and welcoming. And the Aunt Bree comment actually made me laugh aloud. :D
I loved how you carried the Altair from one part of the fic to the next – it really made them flow together nicely. And it was a lovely little touch for Mr. Weasley, hehe. In this section, though, I have a small problem with Harry singing – it just seems so OOC for him. I mean, in the books Harry never showed the slightest interest in music, and for him to start air-guitaring and knowing the words to Beatles songs just seems a bit too much. It was sweet, but I don’t see Harry as being such a romantic. I think it would have been much more in character for him if it was a traditional, awkward proposal instead of him putting a ring on her finger and singing about it.
Rose and Scorpius were adorable as well. :) That’s my number one pairing, as I’m sure you know, and I think you’ve written them wonderfully together. I would have liked to see a bit more of their baby, but the bits you did have were so sweet. Being so fatherly really suited Scorpius. However, I was getting a bit confused in this section – are they married or not? You contradict yourself a bit. When Rose is talking to her parents, it seems as if she’s not married, but later when it’s just her and Scorpius it seems as if they are married. At first I thought that perhaps Ron just didn’t know, but you say that he was mad about Rose being a Malfoy. So I don’t know. You might want to fix that up a bit.
The description throughout this entire fic is just gorgeous, dear. It has such a lovely, Christmassy feel to it, and the visions of the snow and the decorations and everything just fit it so perfectly. You’ve somehow given the story this absolutely magical feel, and it’s one of the best ones I’ve read in a long time. Thank you so much again, my darling twin. I loved it. :D
Oh, every time I read this I think I just melt into a puddle of happiness. :) This is honestly the sweetest swap fic I could have asked for. It has such a wonderful wintry charm to it, and I just love love love every single part.
I can't even choose my favourite part. All three sections are just incredibly amazing in their own way. I loved the Marauders in the first part, though, especially the 'Aunt Bree' line. :D Also, Rose and Scorpius with the baby was just adorable.
Again, I loved it. I love you, too, dear. Thank you so much for this. :D
Britt! I really liked this little fic. :) I think you’ve captured the feeling and attitudes of the first war just perfectly – it’s very real and refreshing.
The first scene was my favourite. At first I was a little confused as to what was actually happening, but I’m thinking you’ve written it that way on purpose. The mystery of it works well with how Sheelin is so confused and disorientated. The bugs were a nice touch, and I loved the imagery you’ve used. It sent shivers down my spine, it seemed that real. ;)
Sheelin is just wonderful; I think she has some great potential. I love how determined and studious she is, but she still has that fire about her. However, it’s a bit difficult to really gauge her character in this short fic, and it seems to me like there is so much more about her that you could have explored. The back story with what happened to her before she was captured would be interesting. You’ve got so many ends you could have followed up, and I think there is plenty of material for a companion fic, if you’re ever going to write one. It would be nice to see a bit more of Sheelin’s personality come through.
I liked how you’ve made Regulus an undercover member of the Order. It’s obviously not canon, but I think it would tie in well with his character and what he ends up doing. It could have easily happened, in my opinion. I do have my doubts about whether the Order would have accepted him or not – I can’t see Dumbledore being as assured of his good character as he was of Snape’s. Also, I don’t really think that Sirius and Regulus would be anywhere near so nice to each other. I don’t know exactly how much you changed of canon with what Regulus has been doing, but if he had been a Death Eater before a member of the Order, then I don’t think Sirius would have welcomed his brother back at all, and I can’t see him being able to talk to Regulus civilly.
The end scene was absolutely adorable, dear. It was a bit corny, but in the oh-so-sweet way and not the cliché way. :) It was a very Regulus thing to do – so we don’t really know his character, but it was very Regulus with how you’ve written him. And the last line was my favourite in the whole fic – it just perfected it.
However, I do think you’ve made a bit too much of a jump in the last few scenes. They’re all very well-written and work really well on their own, but it does seem to be a bit rushed after the slower pace of the first half of the fic. It almost feels as if you’re missing a scene – maybe one where Sheelin and Regulus could get to know each other a bit more, to make the last part seem a bit more natural. Because you don’t really see them together at all apart from the end, and it left me wondering where all this sudden chemistry came from.
This was a lovely fic, dear, and the perfect thing to wake up to. :) Thank you!
Your relationship with Fred existed almost entirely within a broom cupboard.
You and Fred: a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor, two complementary souls. In a world where nothing is certain, you find comfort in a dusty third-floor storage room.
Oh, Chels, that was absolutely wonderful. I don’t think I’ve ever read a fic of yours before (a quick check of your author’s page suggests no), which isn’t very fair, considering how dear you are to me. So I apologise, and I’ll give you a review to make up for it. :D
Where do I start? This was amazing, really. Second person POV has always intrigued me, even though I’ve never written it myself, and I think you pulled it off just fantastically. The way you wrote the summary really pulled me in – that first line is so perfect, it captures the reader’s attention instantly. I think this story really suits second person; it has that intimacy that you just can’t reach with first or third.
Your characterisation of Fred was pretty much spot-on, in my opinion. Most writers can do Fred as he usually is – funny, sarcastic, always with George and pulling pranks. But you’ve really captured the very essence of his character; the darker side as well. How he knows what’s going on out there, and laughing is his way of coping with it. And you’ve put in the perfect touches of Gryffindor chivalry, too. :)
I loved the character of the girl, too (her name isn’t mentioned, is it?). I would have loved for you to expand on her, but then again, this fic couldn’t be any longer. It’s absolutely perfect as it is, and making it any longer or shorter would ruin it. But anyway, she just seems so right for Fred – the innocence, yet she seems to have a cheeky, daring side to her as well. She would have to, doing what she’s doing in the broom cupboard. ;)
You write beautifully; I love how you make your short, to-the-point sentences so eloquent. Your writing sort of reminds me of Kelly’s (who’s style I am insanely jealous of, I’ll point out), with how every single word seems to matter so much, and it’s so perfectly executed that nothing seems out of place. Love it, my dear. I can’t choose my favourite line, because they’re just all so amazing.
The dark undertone to this story is horribly depressing, but in a good way. You’ve captured the fear and worries of everyone around the time of the war brilliantly. It’s interesting how clearly you’ve expressed the point that Fred and the girl are not in love, they just understand each other. They just need someone to cling to in the dark times, someone who knows what they’re going through and can help them through it.
All in all, I don’t think I’ve read a better story in a long time, dearie. I can’t think of a single thing to point out that I don’t agree with, so you’ve done a very good job. :) Well done!
Author's Response: Thank you, dear. You are just too sweet. Aw, I keep reading this and finding hardly anything I can respond to other than to say... thank you, and I'm glad you liked it. Regarding the girl's character, no, I didn't name her. I guess in a way I purposely kept her blank, so that she could be anyone. She could be the reader. Which makes me feel horribly Stephenie Meyer-ish - but I did give her a bit of characterisation, at least. I did specify that she's a Hufflepuff, partly because I aim to write for myself and my friends, and we're mostly Puffs ^_^, and partly because I think a Puff is the sort of person that would suit Fred and the relationship that I was depicting. Anyway, thank you again, dear. Just... wow. :)
This was … wow. Amazing, Rachel. It’s been so long since I’ve read anything so powerful. This fic is just so filled with raw, intense emotion, and it kind of just sucked me in. Fanfiction rarely gets such a reaction out of me. It was like a book that’s impossible to put down, because if you don’t find out what happens next you know you’ll be wondering forever. It’s so dark and angsty, but it has this tragic beauty about it. Just. More wows.
You’ve created such a different post-war feeling to what you usually see in fanfiction – most of the time everyone’s all cheerful and life is good, and Harry and Ginny are together, as well as Ron and Hermione. This is such a stark contrast that it shocked me a little, because I’m a bit of a happy!world believer, to be honest. But I simply love how you’ve done this. They’ve lost so much, and now that they’re not fighting there’s nothing left to hold on to.
Despite this being a bit AU, it still fits into the HP!verse so perfectly, even though nothing like that would ever have been written in canon. It’s your characterisation, I think – both Hermione and Draco are written wonderfully. Even though you’ve taken them both out of where they should be and thrown them into a depressing world like this, they still fit. They’re still themselves, and it’s easy to imagine them getting to that point of desperateness where they need each other just because they have nothing else.
Harry’s suicide really threw me, though, because I can’t imagine that ever really happening. Possibly because the world JK Rowling created was nowhere near as dark as yours, but I don’t know … it still seems a little off for Harry’s character. I think you’ve described it perfectly – it seems so realistic, and I can see how he could get to that point. I can’t really argue with your reasoning, actually, and it does fit into your fic – it’s just because it doesn’t fit canon!Harry that it feels a little off. So this paragraph is pretty much entirely pointless. Anyway, I think the scene where she describes why he did it is just so incredibly moving – that Harry, our Harry, could have nothing left to live for just breaks my heart.
Actually, that all of them don’t have anything to live for is just … it kind of makes you wonder what happened. How they could all fall apart. But you explain it so well, how one thing leads to another until Hermione is just this broken, empty shell, going about her mundane life just because she has to. It’s so realistic, this whole fic – take away the war and magical abilities, and there are people out there who actually live like this. You’ve captured that feeling of being lost, of having nothing left, so well.
You’re an amazing writer. It’s so emotional - everything is just thoughts and feelings and dialogue, and you delve so deeply into the character’s minds. There’s hardly any description of the surroundings, but in a fic like this you don’t really need it, because you’re so immersed in the characters that it would just take away from the story, if you know what I mean. But yes, your writing is just beautiful. The way you describe how numb and empty Hermione is after the war is perfect. You’ve got her character spot-on.
The war had cost her so much that she wasn’t sure if she had anything left to give.
This line just sums up Hermione completely, and it shows just how much the war has torn her apart. She’s lost everything, and she’s clinging to Draco because he’s really all she has left, all she has that makes her feel anything. It’s so heartbreaking that the war has affected her so much that she just doesn’t care anymore. She doesn’t care about sides, because there’s no winning and losing anymore. Everyone lost.
Ooh, and I nearly forgot. Hysteria is one of my favourite Muse songs, and the sole reason I began reading this in the first place. I think you’ve captured the essence of the song perfectly. It’s all about losing control, and not having anything to hold onto – which you’ve mirrored perfectly with Hermione and Draco in your fic. And the placing of the lyrics was really good; they flowed so well with your writing. I couldn’t think of a better-suited song – I put it on while I was reading (because I’m cool like that) and even though it’s such a sad, tragic story, the energy of the song is really reflected in all the raw emotion and feeling in the fic, as cheesy as that sounds.
I wasn’t going to write such a lengthy review, but this isn’t a fic I can just read without telling you how much I adored it. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything of yours before, but now I see that was probably a mistake. ;) This is one of the most powerful pieces of fanfiction I’ve ever read, and I can’t give you much more praise than that. Well done, my dear. :)
Author's Response: Oh my god, Jen, what ever did I do to deserve such an amazing review?! Ah! Seriously, thank you! Actually, I found it helpful that you mentioned that I didn't use much description of the surroundings... that's never something I do consciously, but I do end up doing it quite a lot when I write. When people point it out, it just reinforces the fact that I need to work on it. ;) Hee, actually, I wrote the post-war world the way I wanted JKR to depict it. I mean... I knew she would never write it like this, and I'm somewhat glad, considering that I don't even KNOW what I would do with myself if Harry died... but I mean, there are plenty of negative effects of war, even for those who won. I know that in certain cases, people feel like war defines their lives, and without it, they have no purpose. I feel like under the right circumstances, Harry could be one of those people. He did live his life around the fact that he was going to kill Voldemort, after all, and once he did, I would find it believable that he wouldn't know what to do with himself. I think the general direction I went with this story could have been canon if the epilogue didn't exist... just a darker twist to JKR's 'happily ever after'. But then again, I do like angst... quite a bit. *cough*
Ah, and I completely adore Hysteria. It's such a brilliant song - there's something tragic about the way its energy veils the lyrics, about everything falling apart. I really tried to capture that in this fic; to show that Hermione is making a deliberate effort to ignore everything wrong in her situation, and just focus on how being with Draco makes her feel alive, and how this in turn is what makes her lose control. I feel like the song is such an integral part of this fic that without hearing the song, people might not... get it, completely.
But just, wow. I am seriously... honoured at everything you said here, and also as a fan of the song, I'm thrilled that you feel like this fic lived up to it. Just... thank you so much, dear. This really brightened my day! I'm quite glad you enjoyed it as well. :D
Two hearts beat.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Do you believe in soul mates?
Do you believe in forever?
Do you believe that life isn’t worth living without him?
Do you believe that you can't go on without her?
I totally neglected to mention this in my other review, but you always have the BEST titles. Seriously. I love this one especially—it’s just so romantic and dark at the same time, and ‘cataclysmic’ is a seriously awesome word. Anyway. I totally didn’t want to read this fic, because it doesn’t look like you’re going to finish it, and that makes me sad because it’s Rose/Scorpius and you know how much I love them. But I read it anyway, and now I must live with the torment that I will never know what happens.
It’s an interesting twist on the usual R/S, which is great. I love the idea of McGonagall attempting to set them up—it would be fascinating to see where this goes and how she does it! The descriptions of them as royalty are very apt, I thought, especially for Rose—Gryffindor would think of the Weasleys as their heroes, so of course they would be popular and well-liked. I can’t see Scorpius getting the same amount of attention and flattery from Slytherin after what his family did in the war, but if he’s anything like his father then he probably managed to win them over anyway.
I really love the prologue-y, storyteller feel to this. Sometimes when people write prologues it bothers me because they’re essentially just writing the first chapter and want a fancy name for it, but you’ve written an excellent one that really sets the scene for the rest of the story. The description is just so gorgeous, and it gives a great other-wordly feel to it. Even though it’s set in the future, I kept imagining kings and queens and medieval times with clashing rivalries. It’s fantastic.
Gah, I just want to be a fangirly reviewer and yell at you to update. This story has so much potential, and I’m almost sad to see it linger here unfinished. But I’m sure you have bigger and better projects to focus on. Thanks for the lovely read, dear!
Author's Response: Actually, I have been thinking about this story and where I want it to go . . . It probably won't get updated for a few more months, but I do want to write it :D Thank you so much for reading this even though it's stalled and for reviewing and complimenting my titles and descriptions and writing and for just generally being you who's completely awesome. ;D <3Mere
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
Sometimes, all it takes is a chocolate cheesecake and a friend – or something more – to rekindle a flame of hope.
Was this my prompt? I think so. :) Anyway, you’ve written an absolutely adorable LoveNote. I missed this one when they were posted to spewswap. You’re wonderful at writing the dark, slightly angsty mid-war romances, dear. Like The Broom Cupboard, you’ve managed to capture the atmosphere of that time so perfectly.
I’ve never really delved much into Marlene/Sirius, because I’ve never been too much of a fan of Sirius in a relationship anyway. But I do like how you’ve written it – it’s so realistic, and it keeps Sirius so much in character. The cheesecake just seems like something he’d do. Spontaneous, yet thoughtful. I’m glad you didn’t write them as a serious, ‘I love you so much’ Lily/James kind of love story, because in my opinion, Sirius doesn’t work like that. The little touches of romance you have just work perfectly with the setting and the length of this story. It’s more centred around Marlene caring for the Order in general, and I really like that.
You write second person so well. I don’t read much of it, because sometimes I find it tricky to read – all the ‘you’ and ‘your’ bits get a bit repetitive and it just starts going over my head. But you do it wonderfully, and it’s just very subtle and natural. It could easily be written any other way, and it doesn’t feel forced at all. With second person, it makes you feel like you’re actually there, and you pull that off better than anyone I’ve seen.
The beginning was beautiful, where you listed all the members of the Order. So many of those characters are just unknown names, and I love that you give them all faces as well, and all these little touches that turn them into actual people. Like Caradoc being on a diet, and Gideon and Fabian and Benjy being jokers. ;) Putting all those details in really helps the reader connect with why Marlene cares about them, and why she’s so worried, in my opinion. It was a lovely touch.
I liked the ticking clock that you worked in throughout the story. As well as being a good outlet for Marlene’s anger when she smashes it – everyone knows what it feels like to lose control and just want to break something – it has great symbolism behind it, with how every tick counts down the seconds left in all their lives. It’s a time bomb. It makes it all the more powerful because of Marlene’s looming death – if I remember my facts correctly, she dies two weeks after the photo was taken, so about a week after the moments you’ve captured here.
That just makes it all the sadder, because this has such a tragic ending. Which is why I think it’s a good thing that Sirius and Marlene just have this tiny fleeting romance, because that way it can still work in canon, and when fics fit well into canon it just makes them seem more realistic. To me, anyway. ;) But yes, knowing of her death just changes the whole feeling of this fic, even though it’s never alluded to in your writing. It just makes Marlene (and her relationship with Sirius) so much more delicate and precious.
Everyone needs someone to hold on to, especially in dark times like these.
This line was gorgeous. The simplicity of it, and just the feeling of how futile it all is just really struck me. It sums up the entire feeling of the fic and the mid-war feeling. One thing, though – it really heavily reminded me of the last fic of yours I read. The Broom Cupboard. Which is to be expected, really, since both fics have the same premise and the same tone. But I just thought it sounded familiar. ;)
I loved this fic, dear, and I have no criticism whatsoever. I love the simplicity of it, and it just really makes my heart ache to know the fate of all those people. You really know how to get through to people with your writing. Thank you for this, dear.
Wow - thank you, my dear Jen, for another fabulous review. You picked up on so many of the things I tucked in there. There is indeed just a week until Marlene's death, but I didn't want to explicitly state that, so I'm glad people are picking up on it. Gah, I just don't know what to say to this review, really. Just - thank you.