Penname: Zoheb [Contact]
Real name: Zoheb
Member Since: 10/30/06
Beta-reader: No
Status: Member
So, thou hast resorted to alighting on Zoheb's author page? BWAHAHAHA...! Thou shalt never leave this place of nightmares eternal; my hypnotic powers COMPEL you to stay!
Still here? Good, I thought that you had left already. Thats what a sensible person would do anyway... which would mean that you are not a sensible person! Good for you! You sound like the sort of person I like to know.

Now, things can only get wierder from here, so just remember that all you have to do is press backspace and you'll be reasonably safe.

SCOREBOARD:Zoheb : 2, Mods: 3

Now then, *rubs hands together* on to the unnecessary personal information! Huzzar!

Name: Chuckles the Flying Skull... no, I'm just joking- or am I?

Date of Birth: 26-10-1992

Lunatic Rating: Not first class. Harmless and taciturn... but only when sleeping.

Personality: Not a very pleasant person. Very emotional and angers easily. Has strange moments when all logic seems to be thrown out the window. Proceed with caution.

Nationality: Bangladeshi. We used to be in first place for Most Corrrupt Country... but no longer. THEY STOLE IT FROM US: OUR PRECIOUS! *Gollum! Gollum!*

Religion: Islam. I like it, so there!

Physical description: What's it to you?

Favorite Activities: Being wierd and random; being taciturn and boring; being intelligent and sarcastic; playing Strategy Games; listening to good music; reading fantasy, crazy sci-fi, general science fiction, thrillers, comedies, comics; sketching; and (My favorite) staring into the distance, silent in my thoughts (Mostly involving apocalyptic battles with lots of lovely dragons slaughtering each other, with the odd horror of Hell thrown in here and there).

Favorite literature: The Lord of the Rings, the Silmarillion, the very inaccurately named Hitchhikers Trilogy, Angels and Demons, Harry Potter, Jurassic Park, Congo, Life of Pi, The Ruby in the Smoke, The Shadow in the North, The Tiger in the Well, The Tin Princess, To Kill a Mockingbird, the Old Kingdom Trilogy, Discworld, AVENGER, P. G. Wodehouse, JOB: A Comedy of Justice, The Wheel of Time series.

Favorite comic series: Asterix

Favorite bands: Opeth, Dream Theater, Tool, Liquid Tension, Porcupine Tree, Pink Floyd, Helloween, A Perfect Circle, In Flames, Queensryche. The full list is quite exhaustive.

Favorite poem: 'Oh freddled gruntbuggly’ (Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz)

Favorite qoutes:

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed"- Marvin (The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy)

"Your weasels are untied!"- Rejwanul Islam

"BWAHAHAHAHA (So ad infinitum)"- Any evil lord worth his salt.

"These Romans are crazy!"- Obelix (Asterix)

"What'cha got for me, Billy-bob? "- Myself (Oh, how I long to use it in a proper conversation!)

"Go away: I'm alright..."- H. G. Wells (Last words)

"I'm gaseous, invisible... and deadly"- Undead Shade (Warcraft 3: TFT)

"If there's only one nation in the sky, then shouldn't all passpors be valid for it?"- Piscine Molitor Patel (Life of Pi)

Thank you for taking an interest. By now you should have realized that all your efforts have been for naught, because sleazes like me are running amock all over the place. 'Tis a sad, sad reality of the world.
You can talk to me on msn if you feel like it- just don't bother me too much.

I have decided that you can only be allowed to speak to me after you answer these simple (Oh, don't you just wish they were!) questions:

A) If I were to peel a potato, would I sing "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" or "Take this Life' as I peel it?
B) How many wildebeests am I holding up?
C) Complete this sentence: "Hello, my name is Voldemort and my favorite Pokemon is [Insert name here]".
D) If London was a giant cucumber, then what would Dhaka be? (This is the most important question of them all).
E) Have you ever dreamt about cottage cheese with onions- and a side-order of tuna casserole?
F) Are you still here?
G) Suggest a good name for the star actor in the movie "The Last Dodo Hero."
H) "Dolores Umbridge is so blazin' hot"- if that thought is crossing your mind right now, then stay the Niflheim away from me.

Mail me with the answers, and I will decide whether you are worthy... or else you will be blocked with a titanium wall... bwahahaha...

Goodbye, young rhinoceros: may you graze long and well.

Oh...! As I leave you, I would just like you to read this little ditty I cooked up *clears throat*:
"Oh, Switzerland/ How I dream of thee...!/ Where the sun doth shine,/ and the chocolate is free...!"

CUT! Aaannd that's a wrap!
[Report This]
Reviews by Zoheb

Summary: A look at how Voldemort really feels.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1403 Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes
11/06/04 Updated: 11/10/04

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/19/06 Title: Chapter 2: The Further Confessions



Summary: Who really writes the Sorting Songs? A literary history of magical song-writing with not one but two authentic examples from recent decades. They rhyme and they scan.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1429 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
11/12/04 Updated: 11/12/04

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/20/06 Title: Chapter 1: One shot



Croaker by The Savant
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: A day in the life of Edmund Croaker, Unspeakable extraordinaire!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3283 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
11/12/04 Updated: 11/12/04

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 01/25/07 Title: Chapter 1: one-shot

This is quite a good story. I really like it: you ought to write more of them.

PS: When's the next chapter of Magorian coming?


Magorian by The Savant
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 131]

Summary: Lowbrow. High-concept. Medium rare. Magorian's back, and he's here to stay! A/N: All right, who stole all my exclamation points!?

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 54434 Chapters: 14 Completed: Yes
11/13/04 Updated: 03/06/06

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/02/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chicken Feast

Tha'sh da shpiritsh! Hic!

Author's Response: Wipe your mouth.

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/05/06 Title: Chapter 14: The Plot Thickens

You better update soon, or I'll set a chimera with gum disease on you!


Summary: (Hi, I wrote this when I was 16, please keep that in mind. I'm keeping it up because people still like it.)

So, you want to be an evil villain? In this handbook that a certain Hogwarts student purchases, all of the rules, techniques, and frequently asked questions about evil villainy are explained. Do you have what it takes? And what will happen to the student who purchases the book? Another story from the strange, twisted, and slightly unfortunate Hermione's Revenge.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 11692 Chapters: 9 Completed: Yes
02/19/05 Updated: 05/01/05

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?



Summary: 'There is no black and white, Blaise.' Hermione teaches Blaise that she knows about hatred and discrimination. Warning for historical references to racism.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2402 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
09/29/05 Updated: 09/29/05

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 01/06/07 Title: Chapter 1: Whether We Wear Masks

Thats' the sort of thing I like. Well-written, thought-provoking, and deep. I'd like to know what their plan was, though.


Ginny's Midnight Drama by Mind_Over_Matter
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 69]


Oh no! Ginny has found her in an emergency situation of dire need. Harry lies before her and Ron and Hermione are long gone. Whatever shall she do? Well, it looks like Ginny is feeling a bit Dramatic.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1137 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
11/10/05 Updated: 11/10/05

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: Wake Up, Harry!

I would just like to say that that made as much sense to me as the following will make sense to you:
"Shiny Potato, Shiny Potato! Tell me how you shine so bright...! For a potato should not be shiny but should be with sauce in my french fries! How do you shine so briiiiiight?!!!!!"
I think that gives an accurate picture of my own confusion.

Author's Response:

Yeah, I\'d actually be very worried if this story seemed logical to you.


Fountain of Magical Brethren by bajab
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: The Ministry contracts an aged artist to create a new fountain. Comedy one shot set after HBP.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 6750 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
01/12/06 Updated: 01/12/06

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter one

Ah... very nice. Very inspired. Very pretty. Very... something positive.

Author's Response: Thanks. This is still one of my favourites, even though it was only my first or second fic ever.


Summary: Intelligent, attractive, witty and classy first year, Draco Malfoy, has found himself stuck with the task of writing an essay for an incompetent, and frankly stupid teacher, Professor Quirrel.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2860 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
01/24/06 Updated: 01/24/06

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/02/06 Title: Chapter 1: Draco Malfoy. 11. Genius.

Pretty. Haha.
Why is it that so many fics get approved that aren't good... but many good one's are rejected? Your writing, however, will always be good... I think.

Author's Response:

You\'re, like, the Champion of strange reviews, huh?
Thanks though!


T'was but a Puddle by Mind_Over_Matter
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 19]


It was but a puddle, a muddy mud puddle,
But it’s now changed indeed.
To find out more, do look at my tale,
And please review after you read!

Twelve hundred square metres of thanks go to HermyRox12, who nominated this little ditty for Best Poem in the QsQ's. I'm all a'flutter!

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 502 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
04/14/06 Updated: 04/16/06

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: The One and Only Chapter... 'The Muddy Mud Puddle'

That was wierd and good... but mostly wierd.

Author's Response: *Blink* Erm... okay then?


Sequel Of Suggestion! by FriendsOfSnape
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 325]

Summary: It's baaaaaack...........

As the name implies, the ever-wacky, ever-evil Power Of Suggestion has returned to Hogwarts! What insanity will occur this time?

Note that this is a sequel (duh), so it's strongly advised to read the first part first. Just check my author page for a link!

Chappie nine is UP! Enjoy!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 14453 Chapters: 9 Completed: Yes
08/30/06 Updated: 09/09/07

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/07/06 Title: Chapter 1: In Trouble Already, And It’s Only The First Chapter

Why exactly are people reluctant to play the bass? Its a cool instrument.

Author's Response: I\'m going to have to keep saying this, but again, I kid bassists. Heck, if I were in a band, I\'D probably be a bassist. Less strings ot figure out, you see.I have a very short attention span.....Hey what\'s that shiny thing over there?!

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/16/06 Title: Chapter 3: Subplot Action, Part One: Questing For Arbitrar!

Hey there, fellow carbon-based life-form (You are one...aren't you?)
Your stories have inspired me! Really, they have! My loony-senses tingled as I scrolled my way down these perilous sentences, my valiant mouse rising to the occasion by refusing to co-operate with my commands! But that's a story for another winter afternoon in the alps, beside the firplace, with a pipe in mouth, grandkids sitting 'round...
Where was I? Oh yes...!
As I was saying, you could increase the wackiness of it all, no? I've got a few suggestions that you might want to try:

A) How about granting MALFOY'S wish (Or whatver you call 'em) for once? HE'll wish that Ron would just go start making a fool of himself in public (Or something like that), and Ron would start singing:
"Oh, Switzerland, how I dream of thee...!/ Where the sun doth shine, and the chocolate is free...!" Orsomething even more FOOLISH.

B) Last time you made Dumbledore dance the jig, why not take it up a notch? Turn Dumbledore into a wannabe rapper/ rock god. It cant hurt anyone... except Dumbledore.

C) We have not yet seen Hagrid afflicted! Give us something good. How about, somebody wishes that he wasn't so obsessed with Dark Creatures and liked fluffy-pink animals? It'll be an interesting change...

D) Another thing... increase the romance angle of the story, BUT ONLY A BIT. Use it as an excuse to abuse the characters some more.

E) Make the new DADA teacher Gandalf. BUT, he is not really the way he was portrayed in LOTR. Her is much more... alcoholic.
OK, scratch that.

Okay, that's I got. Thanks for taking the time to read that.
Keep this stuff coming!

Author's Response: I do belive I am carbon-based, though I have not as yet set myself on fire to test this theory. I likes the cut of your looniness, and the lovely listings of ideas. I can never manage to put paragraphs in reviews.....

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/07/06 Title: Chapter 4: Music To My Ears

WARCRAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...!!!! "My sword can cut through the thickest armor, and still peel a tomato!"
Another pretty chapter. I have to hand it to you. *Chucks a hippo at you*

Author's Response: Oooh, it\'s a pretty chapter! Complete with hippo!


Summary: The Harry Potter Literary Storm has caused quite the sensation around the world, JK Rowling’s magnificent series of books touching the hearts of people of all ages. But what if Harry Potter was never written by JK Rowling in the first place? What if another genius was behind it?

Many thanks to the fantastic people who nominated this story for the Quicksilver Quills: Best Humour Fiction award. I'm truly flattered.

Chapter Seven, Part Five is now up - yes, that is the final chapter!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 37366 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
09/10/06 Updated: 01/05/07

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 01/04/07 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter Seven, Part Four: ‘X’ Marks the Spot

The Queen of Sri Lanka, or the Queen of France?
Great chapter... as is tradition.

Author's Response:

Well, I suppose all queens. Although being in Australia, the Queen of England is still technically our head of state. *Shrug*
But you never know. Long life to Queens everywhere!

Oh, yeah. And thanks!

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/09/06 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter Seven, Parts Two and Three: Of Horcruxes and a Search

Another shiny chapter, as is usual.

Author's Response:

Erm - thank you. I\'m glad you\'re still reading it.

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 12/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Little Baby Potter and the Hut Out at Sea

Of course, I'm still reading it! What am I, nuts?
... Wait a minute! Yes I am.

Author's Response:

Phew. Oh, good.
It can just be hard to see sometimes whether you actually
like the story. *Is secretly a moron. Don\'t tell anyone!*

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 11/23/06 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter Seven, Part One: Publicity, Flashbacks and a Deal

Pretty. Haha. I like... pretty.
No, I'm not a retard.

Author's Response:

... Well, pretty\'s pretty good. Thanks. *Reads again* Uh, I think? ;)

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 01/05/07 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter Seven, Part Five: Happy O’Brien’s Monumental Success

Brilliant ending. I loved it, of course- how can I not?

Author's Response:

Thank you for sticking with me through to the end! I\'m glad it satisfied.


Summary: Past Featured StoryWhat does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.

WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.

RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 12002 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
09/23/06 Updated: 12/04/06

Reviewer: Zoheb Signed
Date: 02/08/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home

Them be horoscopes Madelynn, and I hate horoscopes. They presume to tell you whats going to hapen today. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY!
But reading those Wikipedia articles was a diffrent matter. I really found some rather interesting similarities between people I know and their star signs.

Now, if you will excuse me... I have perplexed looks to enjoy.

Author's Response: Well, I never read the horoscopes, really, because frankly, they\'re so vague that they don\'t even interest me.

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