I am no longer an author on Mugglenet Fan Fiction. But please enjoy the stories I wrote a year or so ago anyhow! Thank you to everyone who wrote meaningful, wonderful reviews and supported my writing. If you wish to contact me, please do so by email, at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
My name is Lindsey, with the penname of Ron x Hermione on both here and the forums. I am a member of the Hufflepuff house and support my house with the utmost respect and endeavour, always going out of my way when possible to receive extra points. This would be one of the reason I have such an extensive library of stories, because most of them are challenge fictions. Some have even won a few awards. For example, Pain Doesn't Cost a Thing won first place in the Summer Challenge in 2007, Unexpected Gifts won second place in a challenge near Christmas 2006, Sacking that Silvery Man . . . won third place in the 'Dolores Umbridge Challenge' in the Spring-Summer of 2007, The Depths of a Darkened Mind won third place in the Gauntlet of Summer 2007, and I'm thinking that that is it. I had taken leave from about August 2007 to October-ish, but I found that I couldn't stay away from here for that long. I hope that my writing has improved at least a bit since last writing a story, and I hope that you, the possible reader, enjoys what you read.
Drop-dead-gorgeous banner by KC/sayiansirius! Go Hufflepuffs!
I am officially in SPEW! (The Society for the Proper Evaluation of Writers.) *coughs or Society for the Protection and Expansion of Weirdness coughs* But I now have a straitjacket! *tries to wave but can't due to restraint*
I now am even in the Susan Bones Book Club, where we analyse different brilliant stories on the forums. It's amazing there. Cute Banner by Noldo.
And though I have blatantly yet to go on a poetry spree of writing, I am in Poetry Anyone, a great little club where poets come together to share their views and thoughts on the metre of a poem. :) Amazing banner by the lovely suzie/crazy_purple_hp_freak!
January 30th, 2008:
The last update I kind of lied a bit. I'm sorry about that. It turned out that while soccer winded down, drama and schoolwork didn't, keeping me away for longer. Now I have a few hours on the computer every once in a while and found that I couldn't stay away from some of the challenges. I just had a new story published Everlasting Friendship and a Green Baseball Cap if it is of any interest to you, dear reader. -grins- I do hope that I continue to write stories and someone continues to read them. Thanks very much for all of the continuous support through reviews and emails. I love you all.
Books: Harry Potter 1-SEVEN, Where Willows Grow, Rose for Melinda, The Giver, Gathering Blue, The Messenger, Prayer for Owen Meany, Charlotte’s Web, Bridge to Terabithia, Shiloh, Where the Red Fern Grows, Summer of the Monkeys, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Man on Fire, Anthem, A Rip in Heaven, The Stand, Crank, and Night.
Movies: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Saw 1 and 2 and 3, Domestic Disturbance, Armageddon, Tristan and Isolde, Simon Birch, The Sixth Sense, My Girl, Where the Red Fern Grows, Day After Tomorrow, Holes, Red Eye, Moulin Rouge, The Outsiders, Flight of the Phoenix, High School Musical 2, Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Ladder 49, National Treasure, For the Love of a Child, Click, House of D, Mean Creek, Wild Hogs, Blades of Glory, Disturbia, Spiderman 3, Hairpsray! (the newer version), The Stand (mini series) and Across the Universe (though I was utterly disappointed), but the music was amazing.
TV: My stimulus for Mondays is 'Heroes', where the weekly glimpse of Milo Ventimiglia keeps me going; on Tuesdays I watch 'The Biggest Loser' if I don't have a soccer game; I watch 'Kid Nation, 'Private Practice, and 'CSI: New York'; and on Thursdays I watch 'Grey's Anatomy'. Yes, I have a nice schedule going on.
Music: I have recently become a raging addict for Cartel. Will Pugh is just . . . So amazing. I also really like Jim Sturgess, Joe Anderson, and Evan Rachel Wood off the Across the Universe movie and soundtrack, I found an old Backstreet Boys CD and have found a newfound love again for them, Family Force 5, John Mayer, Josh Groban, Kelly Clarkson, and all of the cast of High School Musical 2 with the exception of Vanessa Hudgens.
Favorite Actors and Actresses: Rupert Grint, Jake Gylenhaal, William Moseley, Nicolas Cage, Ewan McGregor, Joseph Mazzello, Leonardo DiCaprio, David Duchovny, Jim Sturgess, Dakota Fanning, Dennis Quaid, Hayden Panettierre, Milo Ventimiglia, Gary Sinise, and Shia Labeouf.
Pretty much amazing banner by KC/sayiansirius for His Poison!
Albus Dumbledore is a man of many secrets. One of them is his secret identity as an advice columnist, the Wise Wizard. When he coerces Snape to fill in, readers discover the Sagacious Sorcerer answering their queries would be better named Snarky Severus!
Ha, this was hilarious. I loved your reference to the Sparkly-Poo houses and how the Mary Sue sent in the picture of her clad in a bikini. Quite funny.
Author's Response: Thank you, Lindsey! Now that DH revealed Dumbly-dorr\'s uber manipulativeness, I\'m even more glad I had Severus get his \"revenge\" LOL.
Summary: Based on Oscar Wilde's the Ballad of Reading Gaol, this is Snape's fate as told by Draco after both were captured for Dumbledore's murder.
By coppercurls of Hufflepuff House.
WOW. That was probably the best HP poem that I have ever had the pleasure of reading on MNFF. You had all of the rhyming and portrayal of the character perfectly.
I like this line:
Some trust too little, some love too late,
Some never even try,
He killed a man to save a life,
How could his eyes be dry?
Many kill the things they love,
Yet only one will die.
Wow, that's beautifully written, really.
I wish that I could write poetry like you could...WOW. I can't stop saying that! This was truly a wonderful poem. You have to win; it was great!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I really would reccomend reading Oscar Wilde\'s original if you liked mine. And thanks again for the kind wishes!
Summary: Harry and Ginny can't make it throught the war for peace, but is it all bad? Harry's pov
We brought each other to such great heights,
And all we left behind were silhouettes...
Wow Alyssa! That was... Amazing!
I really liked the steady rythym and flow that you had going on. I'm not a poet myself, but reading this one wants me to become a better one!
I liked how everything rhymed, and the words that you used. You had some nice vocabulary things in this lovely poem.
Since you said that this was from Harry's POV, I would just like to say that I can totally see him saying every single thign that you've said here. LOVE IT! You did a great job in portraying his character and keepin him in tune.
I wonder, if I were to die tomorrow,
Which of us would bear the heaviest sorrow?
I miss what we had before
I miss what was glittering and new.
I miss the euphoric bliss I felt
Just from holding you.
Wow, that's really deep. Once again, I can totally feel Harry's pain, and can see him saying all of these things. I love those questiosn that you've asked. It makes you think.
Time will erase all regrets,
And we’ll be nothing more than silhouettes.
Ooh, I don't know why, (well, I do, because you wrote it) but I loved this line! It's the last line, and it's kind of a cliffie ending, if you know what I mean. I mean, we know what happens, but it still just sounds... mysterious.
Ooh, Ooh, the title was a great one as well.
I absolutely loved it, Alyssa! I will keep it on my favorites list! Thanks for the great read! And my two GORGEOUS banners!
Author's Response: Thanks, Lindsey! I usually don\'t think I\'m any good at writing Harry in character, I\'m glad you thought he was! And the last line started out as a second line, but after I had finished, I thought it was a better closing, so I wrote a stanza around it. Thanks for reviewing! /Alyssa
Summary: Rowena Ravenclaw did not believe in dreams. Neither did she believe in foreseeing the future. But how far can a certain curious dream go in proving her false? One shot. Submitted by miss padfoot of Hufflepuff for Challenge Two: The Dreams Challenge in the New Year Challenge.
Yay! It was put up!
I was so happy that you asked me to beta this; this was a truly amazing story, and it was very unique!
I like how you used a relationship of Rowena and Salazar; I've never seen any relationship quite like that before, and the way that you wrote the romance was utterly brilliant.
Salazar might actually leave the school. More importantly, me.
I really like how you portray and have Rowena characterized. We don't know that much from the books, but I like how you've written her. She seems elegant, and she seems to know what she wants. As I've said before, I like how you've paired her up with Salazar. I kind of like the idea of Godric as well, but that wouldn't leave the story as good as you wrote it now, would it? *giggles*
To see Salazar actually love someone was nice; the only fics that I've read about him are how he "hates muggle-borns" and opened the Chamber of Secrets... etc. etc. I like how your fic focuses around his soft side, and not his dark. You actually don't even see that in this fic.
You use some great vocabulary and words in this story, and I am happy that I have read this. I seriously wouldn't be surprised if you won this contest!
How very wrong she was.
The cliffhanger at the ending was awesome! We know from the books and the lexicon that Salazar Slytherin DID leave the school, and I would like to see a fic from you on how Rowena deals with his departure.
A reluctant grin replaced her scowl at the thought of Salazar. That mischievous twinkle in his eyes… that seductive grin… that witty banter… any woman would fall for him. And fallen she had.
I really like this sentence. It describes just how you would think a romance between... basically anyone ...goes, and I like how you've explained with the "twinkle in his eyes" "seductive grin, and "witty banter". I think that, in his love life, Salazar would be like this. I think that you've got him characterised nicely as well. I also think that how you say "Any woman would fall for him." I wouldn't ever put that in a story, but that's a unique approach on this particular character. Great ideas there.
Oops, and I hate to say this... But I saw something that I missed.
He held up a hand to silence her. “Hogwarts is my dream, love. My life. I will not leave the school forever.” “And more importantly, you.”
There shouldn't be two four sets of quotation marks in that sentence. In between 'forever' and 'And', you might want to remove those quotation marks. But that's just a lovely suggestion. :)
You are a very talented writer, I'll give you that. I'll go and read some more of your stories! I'm adding you and this story to my favorites list. Wow, I hope that this review wasn't too long...
Thanks for the great read!
Author's Response: *squees* Lindsey, no review is too long for me, or for that matter any author :D Thank you soooo much for the review, you\'re given me a wonderful start to the day :) And I\'ll change that quotation marks ASAP. Thanks again for beta-ing and reviewing!
Summary: The story of Petunia and Lily told in a parody of the poem “Annabelle Lee” by Edgar Allen Poe.
This was written for Cwiddy for Secret Badger – February in the Hufflepuff Common Room.
Wow, Gonz! How thoughtful and wonderful was that poem! That was really an amazing interpretation of Annabelle Lee.
I like how you portrayed Petunia not as the snobby woman hat we know she is to Harry, but like she actually kind of cared about Lily, and was sad that she went away and then eventually got murdered.
I also like the birch tree part. I think that its very orginal for this kind of poem, and you had it in just the right spots.
I wish that I could write poetry like you! Great job! I'm sure that Cwiddy will love it.
Thanks so much for particpating!
Author's Response: Thank you for setting the whole secret badger thing in motion. It is a blast and I love doing it. I believe that somewhere deep inside Petunia truly loves her sister or she would have never taken Harry in, but at the same time I think seeing Harry just hurts too much so she treats him badly. So in my poem I wanted to show that hidden love. The birch tree comes from the part in Anabelle Lee that goes \"in the kingdom by the sea, and every time it was the place for that line I enetered mine. It took my forever to find a line that would just right. So thanks very much for the review!
Summary: The War has been over for five years, and life is happy. When Harry and Ginny Potter find out they are going to be parents for the first time, they have no idea what to do.
But when an incident occurs, Ginny is ordered to be on bed-rest for the rest of her pregnancy. Humor ensues as Ginny tries to direct Harry through the daily duties as a housewife.
AurorGirl101 has left Mugglenet Fanfiction. Please see my author page for more info.
Yay, Jessie! *huggles and waves*
I am so happy to see that this was put up! You did a wonderful job, and this is your best yet! You get better every time! *huggles again and refrains from speaking about four and its awesomeness*
Author's Response: *huggles and waves back* Hi, Lindsey, the most awesome BETA there ever was! *Blushes* Thanks! About chapter four, thanks for not blabbing. I can\'t wait to see everyone\'s reaction on that one!! It\'s quite a doozy!
Summary: It is the same every night for Ginny. Harry has been staying at The Burrow for a fortnight and is preparing to leave. Yet, his belief in what he is about to do is wavering and Ginny is determined to bring it back, any way she can.
This is for prompt number four, (the belief prompt), in the New Year's Challenge. I am phily on the forums and I am in Hufflepuff!
Ooh, Phily! Very well done! I wouldn't be surprised if you won for this entry in the prompt, my friend!
You have very good description. I like that, when reading a fic, for the story to have a ton of description and great details, and you've done that.
I really like your plot as well. This tale of Harry and Ginny is one that I haven't come across. It was unique, and I loved it!
Thanks for the great read!
Author's Response: Ooh! Why thank you for the compliments, Lindsey! You\'ll make me blush! :D I hoped that this would be something slightly different. Perhaps a little sad but with some hope thrown in? In my mind, Harry would have to come back to her! Thanks for the read and review! Phily :)
Summary: The deathly hallows of a man’s mind are a dark and dangerous place; a place which one can be easily lost if they walk the line between light and dark too carelessly. It’s easy to fall in, to lose yourself. You may think you’ve not strayed too deeply into that gaping maw of death and despair until you look back up from the hole and can no longer see the light. And then… then it is too late. You will be truly gone.
First place winner of the The New Years Challenge: The Deathly Hallows
Nominated for "Best Dark/Angst" story in the Quick Silver Quills!!
OOh, Stacey, this is quite a deep and intriguing entry. Apparently the Deathly Hallows are a dark and dangerous place . . . wow. You should have won in that prompt, if not the whole contest. Very good job.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I was really excited when I found out that I\'d won.
Summary: Secrets can ruin a relationship, especially in Neville and Lavender's case. Can they fight through it and prepare for their first child to be born?
Written for the February One-Shot Challenge, by nikkiolapotter of Hufflepuff.
*Prequel to 'No Time for Suspicion*
Nikki! *squees and hugs*
I'm so happy to see that this was put up! Congratulations, my friend, on yet another fine story!
I particularly enjoyed beta-ing this because I liked the plot-line. I haven't ever seen on like this, and I must say that I enjoyed it. Great ideas, and great story.
I really like the "comedy" in this story.
"Neville, the name Alice is plain, and we both know it. I mean, we might as well just name her Frank."
Anyway, great story, Nikki, and keep the wonderful fics coming!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review and beta-ing services! :P
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and Tonks and Remus are in for a surprise! Arthur and Molly Weasley have decided that they need to talk and will not take no for an answer.
Yay, Chris! I'm so happy that this is up! I love all of your work, as you already know, and I love your plot in this story. It's very unique and childish for MOlly and Arthur to kind of "push" the two lovers together like this and make them go out for a date. It's pure hilarity the way that you do this, and great fic, my friend!
Author's Response: Thanks so much! Your help betaing was greatly appreciated and I\'m glad you liked my story!! Thanks for the help and the review!! 8)
Summary: Many fighters in the endless horrors of battle wonder when it will end - when will one side triumph and another be defeated? When will they be released from the struggles of life?
Wow! You never cease to amaze me, Suzie, with your wonderful poems.
I really liked your title- I see that Jenn helped you with it. It's a great one, definitely.
I also loved your rhyming scheme. It rhymes perfectly, and it goes along with the actual poem perfectly. You are very talented in the poetry category, my friend.
I also liked the actual plot of the poem. It's very serious- I don't really know what to say because it's SO good.
When life is forever,
The road is too long,
The journey’s bitter and hard
And will wear down the strong.
Will we ever return
To the first key of our song;
Will we ever come home
To the place we belong?
I particularly liked this line. Your poem just speaks to the readers. It's absolutely amazing. Easily the absolute BEST I've read on MNFF.
Great work, Suzie, and you are an amazing Poet.
Author's Response: Aww thanks! *huggles* I wasn\'t really sure whether I liked this poem as I wrote it completely on a whim really late at night. It lurked in my folders for months before I thought of sending it to a beta... *hides*
Odd...you\'re the third person who\'s picked out that stanza so far! :p I suppose this can really relate to anyone whose had a hard life, been caught up in too many things and just needs a rest...
Anyway, thanks for reviewing! ~Suzie <3
Summary: Draco and Hermione meet again after ten years. But between friendship and possibly something more, they must both learn to trust in each other and in themselves or it will all fall apart again.
Aw, this was such a sweet ending. to a wonderful story. Amazing writing throughout and a wonderful plotline. I'm so glad you finished this, because I really enjoyed reading it.
Author's Response: Thank you very much! I\'ve always been a fan of well written D/Hr so it\'s nice to that I seem to be suceeding in bringing them together. Thanks again!
Summary: Hermione remembering Ron after his death.
I'm so happy that this is up, because you know that I think that it's wonderful! Great poem and job on this!
Author's Response: THANK YOU FOR BEING A WONDERFUL BETA & THANK YOU FOR THE REVIEW!
Summary: Well... it's high time that I did something so completely insane that the wizards in white robes dragged me off to the closed ward in St. Mungo's.
So, I spoofed the entire album "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" by the Beatles, to be performed by your favourite Dark Lord and choice Death Eaters in the style of a rock opera. Eat your lonely hearts out!
I don't recommend this fic to those who are not at all familiar with the Beatles.
Schmergo, you've REALLY outdone yourself this time!!! This was by far your most hilarious story yet, my friend! Wow . . . I know that you put a lot of time into this . . . you seriously spoofed the entire album? I didn't know all of the songs, but I wish that you would make this cd so I could by it. *giggles*
How is Draco doing, is he working for Lord Voldemort now?
Tell him not to die.
But if he does, then we’ll
Make more heirs, you and I.
This was absolutely hilarious. This was my favorite line out of all of the album. I loved it all, though, and you did a great/funny/hilarious/wonderful job on it!
~Lindsey :) *who would be one of the wizards dragging you off to the insane asylum* *is kidding*
Author's Response: Why thank you! I know this was the weirdest thing I\'ve ever done, but it didn\'t really take much time, only three hours! I like that part, too. I really see Lucius as being very romantic. Just.... a git.
Summary: Tonks and Remus are spending Valentine's Day together, but they appear to have different hopes of what may happen. Will the day end with happiness? Could Tonks truly understand?
This is a gift for my fabulous fellow 'Puff, Lindsey (Ron x Hermione) as part of the February Secret badger on the forums. Enjoy!
PHILY!!! *loves use of exclamation points does not describe how much I loved this* I absolutely adored and loved this story that you wrote for ME! *tackle huggles for the millionth time this week* It was absolutely amazing, really.
She had held high hopes for this romantic day from the moment Remus asked to spend it with her. She took one final look at her reflection before grabbing her wand and hastily Disapparating. Her reflection, too, disappeared in a whirl of pale green material.
I love this description of Tonks. I can see her feeling this way because of Remus, and wanting Remus to spend this special holiday with her. Not having him in her life already hurts her, but the way that you've put this entire paragraph is amazing. I'm glad that you've decided to incorporate this date together with them.
Its fur was blue, which soon faded to green, and then red. It was a colour changing bear!
Ha ha! That's great! I've never seen something like that incorporated into a story, and how that bear ties in with Tonks' hair is just perfect! Where in the world did you come up with an idea for that?
He moved closer towards her in order to see into her eye. Her warm breath tickled his cheek as she kept her head tilted back. There was a slight rush of air between them and Tonks held her breath. Remus, who was intent on seeing into her eye, tried to keep his mind focussed, but with difficulty.
This paragraph is SO sweet. Really. I ca see Remus helping Tonks, and even fi this wasn't a Remus/Tonks romance, i can see it happening. The description and adjectives and everything needed to amek a PERFECT paragraph are in here. great work, and I love this sentence.
Remus, however, was sure that the woman standing opposite him, the woman that he so adored, would not and could not possibly understand him.
And, as always, you have an absolutely amazing ending that makes the readers want more. You're an amazing writer, Phily! It's like you want the readers to want another chapter *raises hand quickly*, and you want them to know that it's the end; that this is really a one-shot, and perhaps that remus and Tonks will never get together . . . :(
But, I truly loved it. This is, like, the second Remus/Tonks story that I've read, and I must say, I will start reading them after yours. (Hopefully they're as good as yours!)
*finally releases huggle* *stands still* *one more quick huggle for amazing story*
Thanks so much for this story, Phily! *is goign to post in Secret Badger thread now* I truly loved it, and it is going on my favorites list!
Author's Response: Lindsey! :D *Hugs* Wow! For a second I wondered why I had such a massive review and then I realised who it was! Hehe. I\'m so glad you liked it because, as you know, I had a slight struggle with it! In answer to your question, I have to credit many of the ideas for this fic to the wonderful people on the forums. The Skele-gro thread helped such a huge amount! I think it was Dill that came up with the teddy bear idea. Hehe I thought it was fab! And the snow dragon is down to Skipper. Abigail (Joybelle) and Morgan (MRHD) and argh I know that there was someone else! :s well yes, thank you to everyone who helped out! Thanks so much for organising the secret badger! I really did enjoy it and I am certainly looking forward to your story! Phily :)
Summary: Ron Weasley is getting married to Hermione Granger, so he travels back to the Burrow to tell his parents. But his father has a type of… box in the room, and Ron ventures over to find out what in Merlin’s name it actually is.
Mr. Weasley explains about the “enternet”, and Ron stumbles upon a website that we are all too familiar with…
I just wanted to let everyone know reading this that I have a sequel in the works for this story. I had never thought that this story would be so popular. :) Thanks so much to everyone who has read this story and encouraged me to write more.
I should have something up within the month of May. If not then, which is not likely, then I will definitely have it up by the beginning to mid-June. I do hope that everyone enjoys it as much as I am enjoying writing it. :)
Author's Response: Yup, this is true. :)
Summary: This is a poem about Ron's last moments on Earth. That's all I can say without giving too much away.
Lexi, I was reading this poem again, and I must say that I adore it--- It's just so sad! *hugs* Great work--- again, dear. He. ~Lindsey :)
Author's Response: Thank you! I\'m glad this is good enough for people to want to reread! *hugs* I love hearing from you! ~Lexi~
Lexi!!! *tackle huggles*
I'm so happy that this is up, my friend!
You have a wonderful portrayal of everyone here, and as you know, this poem almost made my cry. *tears up from reading again*
Great poem and congratulations!
Author's Response: Thanks Lindsey, for both beta-ing this and for the lovely review! I\'m glad I got this good of emotion out of you! (of course while writing this I knew I\'d get emotions out of you) I hope you can beta my fics. in the future! *huggles* ~Lexi~
Summary: What did Dumbledore see when he drank the potion in the cave? How would he have known that his strengths of love and compassion could be manipulated into his curses by the Dark Lord...?
This is for the March one-shot challenge. I am Colores of the Hufflepuff House.
Wow! I must say, after an entry like this, you've got the contest in the bag. You've got excellent portrayal of the characters, and amazing description.
But Voldemort’s face was different: it no longer held any trace of youth. Dumbledore was usually able to find the innocence hidden within the hatred of Voldemort’s face, the human side of the Dark Lord, but there was nothing there – nothing but inhuman malice filled the lines of Voldemort’s face and shined through his eyes.
This is very interesting. I've never actually thought of Voldemort being human; it's just the opposite the way he acts. *has just watched a movie on the Holocaust* You've got his face described very well. I absolutely love it the way you did. It's perfectly canon towards the books.
Dumbledore jerked slightly at the sudden movement, but he did not raise a finger to stop Voldemort, not wanting to make him angrier than he already was.
I can't see Dumbledore doing this. Dumbledore is the only wizard that Voldemort ever has feared; he would not be scared of someone who is scared of him. Not only that, but I know that Dumbledore wouldn't actually try to make him angry, but it still felt odd in that sentence. It just kind of stuck out to me.
It was Minerva McGonagall.
Whoa. You really know how to get someone's attention! That was such a great line and great person to use.
It struck him: he was powerless to Voldemort. He could do nothing to stop Voldemort from killing the people around him. It was all over.
This is some extremely amazing writing, dear. Dumbledore is not one of my favourite characters, but seeing him think like that just made my heart jump. I sympathise him greatly, in your story, now, and think that you have a great plot going on here. Very interesting concept to tie in.
Dumbledore felt his chest tighten, constricting his breathing. He could not imagine having to point his wand at anyone and utter those dreaded words, let alone at Minerva McGonagall.
“I don’t want…don’t make me…” he whispered in horror.
Oh, wow! You have a VERY interesting plot here. It ties in with just what Dumbledore says in the book, and you've portrayed his emotions on killing his fellow colleague (and perhaps more than a colleague) perfectly. I also think that you meant to have this last sentence italicised, but no biggie.
Why don’t you betray him once more; don’t you want to hear him scream in pain?
This is such a tiny nitpick, but is just trying to help . . . You might want to change the semi-colon after "more" to a question mark.
He aimed the wand at two of the three and, in a flash of green light, Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley fell to the ground dead.
Oh no! I How dare you kill Hermione and Ron? *blushes and straightens shirt* It's horrid how Dumbledore has to keep on being forced to kill all of those he loved and watch them die around him. Your portrayal of Voldemort is amazing (but horrible!).
I feel that this story actually could use a higher rating. It's just for 3rd/5th years, right? This fiction has quite a lot of death and mature themes in it . . . you might want to consider it. As they talked about on the forums, you have to be very careful, but it's just a suggestion, my friend!
The victims touched Dumbledore all at once and Dumbledore found himself overcome with sadness, grief, and despair. He felt the last of his life leave him as he gave a great, rattling gasp, and fell to the ground, lifeless.
What an amazing ending. And here, I am being most definite and truthful when I say this. This story was very deep; you did a great job in the work and portrayal of all the characters, and watching Dumbledore be put through that is just awful. But you have a writing style that is very powerful. I admire that very much. I'm sure that you put a TON of hard work and perseverance into this story. Fantastic work and I wish you luck in the challenge!
Summary: Hermione stumbles across an eccentric wizard who claims he can alter the past through the timeless power that is love. She is sent back to a time of turmoil - the French Revolution - where she must prevent the execution of the wizard that would one day start the line of Lord Voldemort. But if Hermione cannot control her own love, she will be trapped in the past forever.
I am Colores of the Hufflepuff House and this is my entry for the fourth prompt, A Shift in Time. First place finish!
Love is a great power, much greater than anyone might think. While it contains the power to heal, it also holds the potential to hurt, to damage, to destroy.
Freaking Amazing Start, Fresca. Wow. Your words in this sentence are so true and descriptive; great way to start out.
Hermione had given up her dream of being a Healer, unable to want to save people when her own love could not have been saved.
Aw, this is terribly sad. I love your words, though, Fresca . . . all throughout this fiction you have great word choice and description. I really admire and LOVE it when an author overuses description, because that allows me to enjoy the story even more. It's no wonder you won the contest. *grins*
Rashleigh shunned by international community…
Rashleigh claims to alter time…
Rashleigh maintains his theories on love despite… Here was listed a long list of exclusive societies Rashleigh had been discharged from.
Nice! I entered this contest as well, and this never occurred to me to happen. I really like your creativity--- I haven't read any of the other entries, but I know that this is the most creative starting. I really like this. We know that he was supposed to alter time, but we didn't know how to make him do that.
Hermione bit her lip. “Will — I need to know what you would have told Dumbledore. It might help us…in the fight against Volde — You-Know-Who -”
Up to her fourth year, Hermione always called him 'You Know Who', but in her fifth year, she actually called him 'Voldemort'. If she were a few years older, then wouldn't she still call him Voldemort?
But, wait. He had killed Ron right in front of her--- I'd be living in fear of someone who had killed my fiancee, no less right in front of me. She wouldn't be able to face him, no less say his name.
Whoa. In the middle of this chapter, where you say all you say about the French Revolution, I know that you have everything spot on. I love it. I love your creativity, I must say that again, and you've got a wonderful story here.
“Will, I’ll be with the French people from over two hundred years ago. I would never fall in love with any of them.”
Ha ha, yeah, right. I love your foreshadowing here, even though it isn't foreshadowing. Nice.
“Close you eyes,” said Will. Hermione did as she was told.
I think in this sentence you forgot an 'r' in 'your'.
She wasn’t in Cornwall anymore.
Nice cliffy ending. I'm sure that I would have gone bonkers (well, too late) with the torture of waiting for you to update. But now that this is finished . . . I can just zoom on to the next chapter . . .
I don't really find anything to criticise. I feel that you could develop Hermione's character a tish more, but this is only the first chapter, and you've spent most of it entertaining the readers and allowing them knowledge on the French Revolution. I like the way you explained it, by the way, because it wasn't boring to me, and I'm sure it wasn't to any other readers, either. But, I'm sure that Hermione will be lovely the next few chapters. I look forward to meeting your OCs.
Nice story, Fresca, and I really look forward to reading more. And I don't read too many chaptered fictions. :)
Author's Response: Thanks for your lovely review Lindsey!