I'm a 21 year old Canadian student. I lvoe writing, reading, soccer and my friends. I also hate bio fields because I always feel like I'm on a dating show.
I didn't expect to find you on this site Anna.
I'm still a fan of the story and I hope to catch up on the last few chapters really soon. ^_^
Author's Response: kewii?! HI! i'm so happy to see you here! wow. you know, i thanked you in an earlier chapter for your comments over on AA. they really helped a lot. thank you so much! and glad to see you here.
So it's been a while since I've read this. And I think I can spot quite a few differences (I don't remember the prologue at all)
So here's comments for chapters 1 and 2
You've created some great characterization. Your characters are consistent and interesting.
You make me want to punch the dad in the face, which is a good thing. It shows the strength of your development.
I was confused by this sentence:
It had sharp eyes, and was staring at me severely
But I loved the rest of the scene. The blending of curiosity with fear was great.
I loved seeing Susan's mom sticking up for herself.
Great work on these two chapters.
They certainly caught my interest.
Author's Response: yay :) actually, it's been a while since i've worked on those chapters too. thank you for your comment!
Wow Anna. I have to say I'm impressed with the amount of improvement you have shown with your writing in such a short span. Great Work.
Good work, but three points of concern this time.
1. You've got some great dialogue going on, but I think you could afford to throw in more description in those areas.
2. This is a cannon point. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the books doesn't Dumbledore offer to be the Secret Keeper?
3. Dumbledore seems out of character. It doesn't seem like he wants to help them--more like he's being forced to.
Just some things to keep in mind.
Great work though.
Author's Response: 1. i see. i'll remember that. 2. i'm not sure. you may be right. 3. i felt like he shouldn't tell them waht to do, but let them figure it out for htemselves.
Okay, first some sentence problems (I hate doing this so it goes first...I feel so nitpicky)
I found this sentence sort of awkward: A woman that seemed somehow familiar to me carried to me my wand.
also: However, I inhaled it and went into a trance. (I don't think the however is needed. I would have also liked to see a description of the trance, rather than just saying she was in a trance)
I think this is missing a word: I searched for lakes that and hills...
It was a clear day and I saw clearly the tall Tor that I had seen. (I'm like huh??)
but under the guidance of me and Merlin, (better if it was "under the guidance of myself and Merlin")
but it was only in a dream right as I joined her and Igraine, who followed her shortly (again...huh?)
I could now dissuade them. (not??)
I burned them or crushed them or dissolved them into the ore, which I continued to work. (just all the 'or''s)
I longed to tell Naomi of what I’d seen, to share with anyone the last things I saw and knew must be told if I was to save my land. (confusing, just the last part)
I would also watch out for using the word However. I just find it breaks the mood a bit, and often you don't need it.
I have to say, even without a beta, this is really well written. I know if my stuff isn't checked first it looks pretty pathetic...not like this ^_^
Now onto the good stuff, that really matters:
I love the atmosphere that you're creating. I'm also wondering about how much you know about religion during this time period because the parallels to the roman invasion and what happened to religion are very similiar to your story.
"My life was played back to me as I worked endlessly. I knew that I had never really loved anyone. I’d treasured my sisters, children, and even sometimes my various lovers, but the only true devotion I’d ever exhibited had been to magic and the Goddess. She had consumed me. She had taken up my soul and entire being. She had given me life and strength that outlasted any I’d ever seen. I wished then that I had cared more for the world outside. I should have shared the secret of Avalon with the magic people in the outside world. I should have worked for the greater good of the land I knew now that I loved. I should have helped my students. I should have used my powers to heal, not hurt, which I often had in my frustration. There were so many things I should have done that I was overwhelmed." beautiful, just beautiful. It captures a person flashing back to all the could've beens and should've beens in life so well.
"Suffering is only meant for some." How sad, yet how true.
Its such an excellent fic. I love how you tied Godric's sword to Morgana's sword. And the two stories work so well together. Its just incredible and the mood holds together so well throughout the entire chapter.
There were some parts that could've used a bit more description, but overall it was really well done.
I really enjoyed it ^_^
Author's Response: Snap! Kewii, I love you to death. Thank you for reading, reviewing, advice-ing, and encouraging. Where would I be without you?