Penname: Celestial Melody [Contact]
Real name: Julia Elizabeth
Member Since: 07/15/06
Website: http://celestial-melody.deviantart.com/
Beta-reader: No
Status: Member
Bio:
Presenting...
Coming soon.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Hello all! I am back... as myself. *grins* In other words, my cynicism is done for now. Still don't love JKR, but her books have given us fanfiction writers a lovely playground and I'm very grateful to her for that.

With that apology (?) out of the way, I am still unsure about "Serpent in the Moonlight" and its "update status." At this point, I am working more with photography than I am with writing (except, of course, for "Black as Snow," which I simply adore), so it's quite touch-and-go. But who knows? I'm fairly certain that "Heavenly Hell," etc. will not be updated. Totally lost interest in that. HOWEVER! "In the Shi of the Setting Sun" should be coming along sometime.

Now, let's see, what have I been doing lately? Well, I'll list it for you guys!

- One of my best friends is engaged! O_O I'm so happy for her. =)
- I'm heading off to University soon and I'm really excited about that.
- Now, just random thoughts: Keeno, Megan, costumes, clean room, history, ballet, Broadway, hats, boys or girls, washing clothes, Autumn, music, soundtracks, photography, models, bed sheets, writing, Netflix, Norah Jones, vibratto, Yoga, Dance Magazine, Hollywood, movies, sweaters, Good Earth tea, Burt's Bees Carrot lotion, face paint, Harlequin, Batman, clipped nails...

You know, I think I want to have a contest! For my readers, and then I can, like, have a prize or something... That would be fun, although I'm not sure how it would work. Any ideas?

Okay, now I'm just rambling. Anyway, that's my life right now. So...

...a great and expansive Thank You to all my wonderful readers and reviewers! You've all been angels and helped me through a very tough time in my life. Bless you.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Updates
- "Black as Snow" - 5th chapter In The Works
- "The Shi of the Setting Sun" - COMING SOON

~*~*~*~*~*~

Bannermakers
Banner 1 ~ Eowyn89
Banner 2 ~ Colores
Banner 3 ~ Eowyn89
Banners 4 & 5 ~ wendelin the wierd
Banner 6 ~ Morwen
Banners 7 & 8 ~ sayiansirius

~*~*~*~*~*~

Story Banners



Coming soon.
[Report This]
Reviews by Celestial Melody
 

Summary: Katie Bell never imagined she would become a Death Eater, but life isn’t built on wishes or hopes, and Katie finds that nothing is going as she planned. Now, she must fight for her life as she attempts to pass several tests the Dark Lord gives her. But a simple task can become a nightmare. Follow Katie’s tale while she struggles to discover where her true loyalties lie, as well as what is real and what is just an illusion.








Entry for the Gauntlet, 3rd run, by ChrissyOfGryffindor of Ravenclaw house.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Violence

Word count: 9008 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/19/06 Updated: 11/19/06


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 11/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: What is Real

YIPPEE!!! It's up and, God, what a great story. Darling, you have talent, and I LOVE beta-ing for you. (Oh, and you're on "Most Recent Stories," hee!)

Just wanted to say, "Thank You" for letting me help you with this. *loves being a part of anything great* And thanks for being my friend.

Love! dear, just love! =)

~Julia~

Author's Response: Oh, Julia, you are just so sweet. Thank you for the wonderful comment. You really are too kind. And thank you for being my friend, and helping me with all this; I honestly couldn’t have done it without you. And not only am I on “Most Recent Stories,” this is currently THE most recent story. *feels special* Again, thank you for the review. I’m glad you liked the story, especially since you wrote parts of it. ; P ~Christine

 

More than a Woman by MorganRay
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 6]

Summary: Sexuality. I was always so proud of mine. Beauty. I never thought it harmful to be a lovely woman. Marriage. I didn't imagine the wedding bed would make me weak. When I was asked to stand for my blood and prove my worth, I failed. No, it was not because I was weak, but because I was Narcissa Malfoy: a woman.



House: Hufflepuff

Author: MorganRay

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 2569 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/19/06 Updated: 11/20/06


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 11/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: More than a Woman

Wow, MorganRay, that was absolutely beautiful. The parallel between the stone angel and Narcissa was perfectly achieved and kept a lovely motif throughout the story.

Perhaps, more so than any other part, I liked reading about the image of Narcissa smoothing her hand over her stomach. I could see her love for her baby, her Draco, even then. The atmosphere conveyed by, indeed, your word choice, seemed warm, which only served to contrast the cold, clammy feel of the mausoleum.

Your portrayal of the Dark Lord was wonderful. He acted just as he should, and his choice of Portkeys was just perfect. The spider instead of the customary snake was just what the object needed to be distinctive, and, if possible, more frightening.

Poor, poor Andromeda. I felt Narcissa's pain, and, even more, her loss in this particular sentence: "In those days, we smiled together." Oh, yes. In those days, they did indeed smile together. But now, oh, the poor Black sisters. Such a sad thing. Reminds me of a tragic version of Hocus Pocus, although that makes their struggle seem a touch trivial.

Also (I'm sorry, this goes on and on,) I was very, very glad that you used correct grammar. I am SO very happy when I find that on MuggleNet because--while our Mods do a fantastic job of checking through the stories--mistakes sometimes slip by them. The one mistake I noticed, however, was that you spelled 'Portkey' as two words and lowercase, 'port key.' According to the Lexicon, 'Portkey' is capitalized and is one word.

The second to last paragraph, I just noticed, parallels Hannah's dedication of Samuel to the Lord in the Bible. Of course, I realize that many people don't regard the religious aspect of... anything that much. In fact, I'm not a devout either, but, no matter. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Narcissa parallels Hannah as she dedicates her son to Lord Voldemort, just as Hannah dedicated Samuel to God. One to evil, one to celestial praise. Ah, yes... It is indeed a parallel.

Over all, this one-shot was superbly written and I'm glad I found it. A beautiful connection to the earthbound angel in the beginning. "As I remembered that face, I realized the artist had carved my sorrow into her face, trying to warn me away. And I hadn't heeded that warning." Lovely, just lovely. The poor stone angel.

~The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves~

Author's Response: Wow. I am INCREDIBLY pleased to get this review. You said you liked good grammar, but wow, I love a good review. :D I honestly didn\'t even think Biblically, but it does work in some sort of warped way.

 

The Wongleboo Beetle Dance by mgle_teacher
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 20]

Summary: Ron has a problem. He's in love, but is too scared to admit it to the object of his affections. Will he be a brave enough Gryffindor to pursue what his heart desires? Or will he make the same mistakes he did with Hermione?

Pairing: Ron/Luna

Written for Simply Being of Ravenclaw during the December 2006 Ravenclaw Fiction Exchange

Note: This story now has a multi-chaptered sequel called "Courting the Wongleboo Queen."

Categories: Ron/Other Character Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3107 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/02/07 Updated: 01/05/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 01/05/07 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Absolutely marvelous, Ritta, it was adorable and incredibly believable. =)

I must say that Luna's attraction to Ron has been very clear since OotP, and you've tapped into that wonderfully. Now, on to compliments and critques (if I can find anything to critique *grins*) of specific parts.

First of all, I loved how perfectly you fleshed this out. You didn't simply say that Harry and Hermione were together, you gave a reason and showed their emotions very well. I also enjoyed reading about Harry's slight embarassment at discussing the matter with Ron; I hate when people simply forget one of the Trio, and you didn't, so kudos! =)

Another part I liked was imagery in the paragraph where Ron follows Luna outside and watches her in the moonlight. I'm a sucker for imagery and I could see that. Marvelous job.

Last, because the only thing you might want to change is a comma after Ron's "Now tell me, my dear" I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed this ... and that's saying something because I don't like to read much with Ron in it. =) You've created a marvelous voice here, and I hope Danielle loved it as I did.

~Julia~

Author's Response: Did you see that?! My head just got all swelled from your wonderful compliments. *lol*
Thanks, Julia! Imagery isn\'t my strong point but I\'m glad it worked out wonderfully. I had a hard time with it but I managed. I don\'t read a lot of fics with Ron in it either but I\'m glad that you enjoyed my piece here. Danielle did enjoy it! I\'m glad. Thanks for your wonderful review! *hugs*

 

Some Witches are Insane by Lily of the US
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Ria is a Muggleborn starting her first year at Hogwarts with virtually no knowledge of the wizarding world whatsoever. (sounds fun, huh?) Join her as she makes (insane) friends, learns how to do magic, and discovers things about herself that were once hidden.





Chapter 5 is up, please review because I'm getting lonely.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 8837 Chapters: 5 Completed: No
Published:
01/03/07 Updated: 10/08/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 01/21/07 Title: Chapter 1: Lost to the Point of Cluelessness

Hey Megan!

I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to you; I’ve been really busy (haven’t had much time for writing, etc.) and I’ve been desperate to reply to your lovely *blushes deep, cherry red* complimentary email. Of course I wanted to look at your work, and I finally got to, and… Wow, you’re doing so well! I love the characters you’ve created. In fact, your characterization is so nice (especially for a first fic) that I’m going to dedicate a paragraph to my first impression of each girl.

*Ahem!* Riannon and Morven. First of all: LOVE both of their names. *giggles* Ria’s personality, too, reminds me a little of my Riana. That only serves to make me feel closer to her. She’s such a feisty, little thing. I adore her independence and arrogance. *raises eyebrow and grins* From the first sentence, “Bloody hell!” to her “Sounds like this compartment.” I laughed so much at that sentence. She’s so abrupt, so straightforward, so… Marvelous job, Megan. =) Furthermore, I can tell that Ria is already scarred. Poor child; I just want to hug her. That wicked mother of hers! You know, she reminds me of the little girl (God help me, I can’t remember her name *headdesk*) in “The Subtle Knife” by Philip Pullman.

Nadina. Very creative name and perfect for her character. “Riannon wondered if she had a boyfriend” was priceless. *grins* I have thought that before, too, while looking at tall, slim, lovely girls. Such an admission only makes Ria all the more human. (Of course I went back to Ria’s character. *chuckles*) Naddie’s a flutterbug and I like her flittery character. We all need one of those, eh?

Punita and her cat, Jinx. Great names. I like Punita, too. She’s serious, quiet, but also a little arrogant. That’s good. She has flaws and those make her a very REAL character. I hope to see more about her. I see Punita as the caretaker. These girls all have the potential to exemplify archetypal personalities very well and I can’t wait to see what you do with that.

Anna. Hufflepuff, much? Your description of her smile is absolutely lovely. I’m glad you’ve redeemed her character by giving her that one, wonderful trait.

Sophie. At the moment, I can’t say much about her except that she’s a talkative beanpole who I rather like because she’s so loyal to Anna. There’s no one like these two girls in the “HP” books and I wonder where you will take them…

Mary/Veronica. She seems to be a female Ron. *grins* I like her, though. I feel that she and Ria are the most compatible of all, goodness, FIVE girls in the cabin.

I quite like the Harry Potter Chocolate Frog card; he was so friendly, eh? Ingenious, dear, =) Oh! *gasps* But does that mean Harry is alive or…? I can’t wait to find out.

Just a few things to nitpick that would make your story just that little bit clearer. After the Author’s Notes at the top of the story, you might want to put a space between the two blocks of text (A.N. and beginning of chapter) to make it easier for the reader to distinguish between the two.

A space between the comma after ‘Bloody hell,’ and ‘thought’.

There’s a touch of pronoun confusion in the first paragraph; using ‘her’ instead of ‘Riannon’ made me wonder whether you were talking about Ria, Professor McGonagall, or the ‘strange woman’.

Also, don’t forget to put a new person’s dialogue as a new paragraph. When Nadine asks Ria if she’s all right and Ria nods, Nadine’s “Yeah?” should begin a new paragraph. … Or you could simply say that the ‘she’ is Ria. *giggles* Told you I was picky. =/ It doesn’t really matter, love; the chapter is wonderful the way it is. Just tips for future submission.

Nadine says that Ria can ‘just calls’ her Naddie; should that be, ‘just CALL’?

Hmm, whenever you use numbers (like the number ‘4’) you really should not use the numerical value. Just type it out, ‘four’; ‘tis more grammatically correct.

Too, I don’t see Jinx ‘screeching’ because she’s a cat. What about ‘Jinx gave a yowl’?

There’s one thing that you should be careful about, though, and that’s switching perspectives. You’re telling this story from Ria’s perspective, so it would probably be best not to “listen in” on any of the other girls’ thoughts. =)

Last, watch your formatting between paragraphs. There should, ideally, be one space between each paragraph. Going back and editing changes the formatting of your chapter. To fix this, you just have to take the entire text out of the box and take it to Word (or Words, whichever program you use if you have a PC) and make your changes, then C & P the text back into the word box. Time-consuming, but it really helps the reader. =) Just a little tip... 'tis all.

All in all, Megan, this has the makings of a really entertaining story. The one thing that I’d like to see you write more of—and I know you can do it—is description. Don’t just say that Ria did something, actually have her walking to window, fiddling with the latch, and throwing things out. *giggles* You know what I mean?

You really are a talented writer and I can’t wait to see where this goes, to see where you go as a writer, etc. (Not stalking or anything… Gah! That came out wrong. *grins*)

Keep up the good work, Megan, and I’ll definitely shadow this story. Well done!

~Julia~

P.S. See, there’s no need to be nervous around me; I’m a nice person. =)

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much!!! What a wonderful review! Thanks for your compliments on Ria and Morven. I have a thing where I have to make every name have a significant meaning, so Riannon means \"sorceress\" and Morven means \"magical.\" I love Nadina! She\'s kind of in-your-face, but in a good, friendly way. Truthfully, I based her off of Tonks- could you tell? Punita and Veronica are actually based off of two of my friends. Real-life Veronica really does have 5 brothers and sisters! But Punita in real life does not have a cat, and her name really isn\'t Punita. Thanks for the C.C., too. I\'ll be sure to keep that in mind. Heehee, you just made my day! Muchas gracias! ~megan~

 

Anorexia by StepUpTimneh
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 19]

Summary: Ginny battles with Anorexia Nervosa after who true love deserts her.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Mental Disorders, Self Injury

Word count: 1937 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/06/07 Updated: 01/08/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 09/11/07 Title: Chapter 1: Anorexia

That was powerful. I have suffered from both anorexia and bulimia, so I can identify with Ginny and with your friend.

For me, it is so hard to understand the "gray" between eating and not eating. It's one or the other: binging or starvation. I constantly think about food and what I can and cannot eat. I do not starve myself anymore, but whenever I eat too much, I still purge. I don't know why I wrote this, but I needed to.

I ... thank you for this story and I hope that your friend has been able to get treatment. Sometimes it works, sometimes not, but often the individual has to want it so badly; to want to be healthy so badly. Otherwise, there is no hope. I finally broke down because I hated the person I had become, but starvation is a friend; there is success and pride in hipbones and collarbones, in wrist bones and hollowed cheeks. But, truthfully, that kind of mindset is detrimental.

What I'm trying to say is that you brought this across very well. Ginny and her friend "Anorexia" remind me of me and my friends, "Bulimia" and "Anorexia." But I am trying to break off connections with those two. I can only hope that Ginny and your friend will be able to do so, too.

Forgive me for rambling. Your writing style is poignant and sobering. I thoroughly appreciate this.

Best,

~Julia

 

Snow Days by Natasha Johnson
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 22]

Summary: Ron Weasley has his eye on a special girl, and Hermione Granger is determined to find out who she is. Ron receives some very personal cards for Christmas, and the girls who sent them aren't sure if they'll survive Hermione's wrath...

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 4300 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/13/07 Updated: 01/15/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 01/16/07 Title: Chapter 1: Snow Days

*giggles* It was hilarious, Jade. I'm thrilled that you went out on a limb and wrote that. Such a spoof! *grins*

I know it wasn't your first choice, but you did well with the prompt. Yes, the characters are OOC, but that's what this particular prompt needed. I don't believe I've ever read anything so silly, and I mean that in a good way. You have quite the talent for characterizing goofy, little teenage girls, and Ron's complete indifference toward their little war was a hoot! =)

Your grammar, dear, was wonderful. I'm thrilled that you didn't give up on this prompt because it was admittedly odd, and I'm sorry you didn't get a Christmas gift. If I had known, well, I would have helped write it ... or something.

Before I go, I'd just like to mention that I loved, LOVED the line about Draco Malfoy. I could picture it perfectly, and it was hilarious.

More random-ness: Hooray for Luna. =) I think it's fantastic when authors pair her with Ron; her attraction towards him can't simply be "just friends," eh?

And last, good gracious, what was Harry thinking? *grins again* He and Pansy, eh? Well, that's what we get for proposing inter-house unity. *sighs*

All in all, a very nice job, dear. Well done!

~Julia~

Author's Response: Aw, thanks, Julia! I\'m honored that you enjoyed the story. It was crazy, I know. I just tried to do the best I could. I spent SO much time on the phone with my friend/beta Lupinpatronus, and we were trying to come up with a plot that fit with these pairings ... basically we just decided that some sort of girl trouble with Ron would work, and well ... voila. I assume all responsibility for my actions. Lol. Thank you for reading and reviewing, it made me so happy to get this review from you! *hugs Julia* Take care! -Jade P.S. By the way, I love your current avatar...

 

So She Dances by Starmaiden
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 24]

Summary: After the Yule Ball, Neville goes back to the Great Hall to retrieve his coat. Instead, he finds Ginny Weasley, dancing with no partner but her sadness.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1322 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/28/07 Updated: 02/06/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 12/26/07 Title: Chapter 1: So She Dances

Wow, Katie. That was just lovely. I don't read Neville stories often... in fact, the only story that I remember having read where Neville held a key-ish role was Seren's "Through Fields of Gold," and everyone (basically) ended up dying there anyway. =/

But, gah. What beautiful descriptions you employ. The song fit perfectly, but it was your words that truly made this story memorable.

In order to make myself appear more SPEWly, I'll endeavor to point out a few things that I think could be improved upon:

At the beginning of the short story, Neville is climbing up the stairs and dreading entering the common room. I, as the reader, was unsure whether or not he had already entered the common room and was merely remembering the chattering boys and girls due to the slight choppiness of the sentences. If one reads carefully, one can clearly see that Neville is not having a flashback and is, in fact, returning to the common room/Gryffindor Tower for the first time that night after the Yule Ball. However, the meaning of the entire first paragraph could be improved by simply adding the word 'either' after “...he had no desire to return to the common room.” It simply allows things to flow a little better.

A brief character note: I love how real you've made Neville. He acts just like a regular teenage boy except that he is, perhaps, better mannered than most. (And not quite as lecherous.) In particular, I liked his resigned nature. JKR and the movie makers do a good job of showing that side of Neville's character and you've taken that and ran with it here. It works, Katie. Marvelous. =)

“...busy peering behind statues for miscreant students.” Like Neville at this point? *giggles*

”Moonlight poured through the windows lining the hallway, bathing Neville’s path in ghostly blue, though it did not touch the shadows at the corners of the floor or the deep darkness of the high ceiling.” This begins the beautiful imagery that characterizes this piece. Usually, 'blue,' 'moonlight,' and 'ghostly' descriptors fill me with apprehension or fear or loss, but here, I feel peaceful. Beautiful.

“...even if he had not spent most of the night looking at her.” *sniffs* Now, this just makes me sad. Like I said, I'm not really a fan of Neville, but this makes him seem far too much like my brother or another of my guy friends for me to remain immune. That seems to be one of your more refined talents, Katie, although you excel in all things written: To be able to bring a character to life is such a gift ... and you have it in spades.

Another brief nitpick: “...but now fell loose down her shoulders.” This sentence, though fine, could be improved by making a change such as this: “...but now fell loosely to her shoulders.” It improves the flow.

“...a full moon lighting her sad face.” might sound better as “...THE full moon lighting her sad face.” because it is understood that the same moon is lighting the Hall and lighting Ginny's face. However, this is merely personal preference and the sentence is absolutely fine just as it is.

“Her graceful steps seemed to echo with unhappiness.” This sentence seems a touch out of place. She has not yet begun dancing, so unless Neville is referring to her dancing at the Ball—which is unlikely since he says later on in the piece that her smile was convincing throughout the Ball—this doesn't quite fit. Perhaps it would be better placed farther down in the story? =/

This: “Once, she raised her arms to the height of a fourteen-year-old boy’s shoulders, but dropped them a moment later.” = love. And that is that. XD

“...from dark gloom to pale light.” And usually such a transition echoes sadness to happiness, or oblivion to understanding, but here... I feel desolate. This is how you, Katie, as the author, want me to feel ... but I find that I do not like it. *grins wistfully* Yet, what can I do? Again, your prowess as a writer is evident.

Oh, and the end is so devoid of emotion on Ginny's part and so contained on Neville's. He does seem like a regular teenage boy up until this part. It is really unfortunate that someone so kind receives the brunt of Life's temper. The last sentence is ... heartbreaking in its finality, in its truth. I find myself feeling for Neville ... more than ever.

Wonderful job, Katie. Exquisite.

~Julia

P.S. Incredible title; entirely too apt. If I hadn't cried myself out watching Rent last night, I would have been bawling along with Ginny.

Author's Response: :D :D :D Thank you so much! I really appreciate all the comments and the criticism. I like this story a lot--it\'s one of the few things I\'ve written that makes me, myself, feel anything. So I like being able to make it even more perfect ;)

I\'m not sure how I like the beginning. I feel that it\'s necessary for a setup, but as you pointed out, there is a very clear transition to where the story goes, as opposed to the beginning. I shall probably work on/edit/rewrite that at some future date.

Thank you again for taking the time to do this! I really appreciate it.

 

Decadent Love by Pixichik118
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 35]

Summary: Harry and Ginny can't make it throught the war for peace, but is it all bad? Harry's pov

We brought each other to such great heights,
And all we left behind were silhouettes...

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 299 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/09/07 Updated: 02/15/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 03/18/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Alyssa, this was really incredible. I'm not great shakes at poetry dissection (or at writing it) but I actually this very much.

I'm not fond of the AA, the AB, the ABC rhyme scheme you used in the first three stanzas because it felt a little stilted to me, like you were following a pattern, but as the poem progressed, you fell into this swinging rhythm that just *rolls* off the tongue.

The stanza beginning with "The courageous and brave" and ending with "the foremost prow" is perhaps my favorite in the poem. "RIght here, right now," just displays an urgency, a *realness* that comes through the words of your poem ... exquisitely.

Too, I loved the line: "I wonder, if I were to die tomorrow, which of us would bear the heaviest sorrow?" Ah, it's beautiful. It's captivating and enchanting. I-I love it. Marvelous job.

This poem is wonderful. I don't know if I've ever read any Harry Potter fanfiction poem that I've enjoyed more than this.

~Julia~

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
I\'m happy you enjoyed it.

 

Fallen by StaceyLC
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 29]

Summary: The deathly hallows of a man’s mind are a dark and dangerous place; a place which one can be easily lost if they walk the line between light and dark too carelessly. It’s easy to fall in, to lose yourself. You may think you’ve not strayed too deeply into that gaping maw of death and despair until you look back up from the hole and can no longer see the light. And then… then it is too late. You will be truly gone.









First place winner of the The New Years Challenge: The Deathly Hallows

Nominated for "Best Dark/Angst" story in the Quick Silver Quills!
!

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Suicide

Word count: 2428 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
02/19/07 Updated: 02/20/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 03/18/07 Title: Chapter 1: Fallen

That, my dear, was stunning. You truly captured Harry's voice and it was all so believable that I found myself ... shocked and stunned into silence while I read it. You have a gift, Stacey.

The repetition, especially, of "I should have listened to him" relays the urgency, I suppose, and quiet yet intense feelings Harry is experiencing. He is still young in body, but it's almost as if he has an alter-ego. On one hand, he still retains the ability to feel (to a certain extent and that's fading fast) and on the other hand, he is turning into a monster.

Really, the entire story takes place in Harry's head except for occasional excursions into Memory Lane, ah... the battle scenes and so forth. But what *really* stood out to me, personally, was the description of Harry finding himself through that shield "portkey." That was amazing, you know, because I could picture that creature, that *Harry* distinctly and it wasn't a pretty sight. *giggles* But it also reminded me of "Pan's Labyrinth." Have you seen "Pan's Labyrinth?" It's a very interesting movie. Graphic and subtitled in English because it is spoken in Spanish, but a really great movie nonetheless. It has a character, a toad, that seems like this alter-ego Harry you've created. Quite amazing.

I loved how you described Harry's transformations, though. His skin mutation to Nagini's skin type was just incredible. I wonder if the same thing happened to Salazar Slytherin? *grins*

Really a probing, intellectual approach to the deathly hallows, a dark and deep place we should all try to stay clear of, eh?

~Julia~

Author's Response: Thank you very much! I have not yet seen \"Pans Labyrinth\", but I want to. That\'s so interesting that \"Fallen\" reminds you of it. Now I will definitely I have to go check it out. It looks beautifully done; I wanted to go into film, so that stuff always interests me. Anyway, thank you for the lengthy review :)

 

Summary: After a mishap during a heated argument, Hermione and Draco find themselves taken back in time to when the Marauders ruled the halls of Hogwarts and find out that they share a deeper connection than hate. The question is will they ever get back if the only way is to get along? As Hermione and Draco try to get back to their own time as well as fulfill an unwanted destiny, they deal with a disturbed Sorting Hat, unwanted suitors, the constant squabbles of James and Lily, awkward moments galore, and maybe even a little love.


Categories: Hermione/Draco Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 9446 Chapters: 4 Completed: No
Published:
04/07/07 Updated: 12/03/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 06/15/07 Title: Chapter 2: Animus Aduro

What an incredible way to send these unlikely two back into the past! (And, of course, you've got me wondering what Draco's Patronus is.) And the only thing I could think of when they saw James and Sirius is: I know when they are, too! *chuckles*

Oh, and great wave of suspense there at the end of the first chapter. Furthermore, I haven't seen any grammar mistakes which is always a pleasure to see. =) Of course, I didn't expect to see them since you ARE a PI-accredited beta.

I can't wait to see where you take this. Best of luck! =)

~Julia~

 

Meeting at Last by helgaandgodric
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: It takes a lot to stop a twenty-three year old man in his tracks when he’s been walking along stubbornly, staring at the ground. Especially when he’s been pondering how to explain to the Ministry of Magic that he is unable give them the names of ten or more wanted men because of the Fidelius Charm, of which he is under. Granted, this is no ordinary man we are about to meet. No, this is one Mister Draco Malfoy, a wizard with white-blonde hair and soft, grey eyes. Five years ago he was described by many to be “steely,” due to his very pale skin, hard grey eyes, and overall rough disposition. However, we do not want to meet the Mister Draco Malfoy of five years ago, do we? No, we want to meet the Draco Malfoy of now.





**





Sexual Situations are only references. EDIT: And, I must warn you, it is a Dramione.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 2122 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
04/15/07 Updated: 04/21/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 09/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Well, that was sweet! =) I loved the objective viewpoint of the story. It was very ... detached, but not cold. Maybe I should just say omnipresent 2nd person and get it over with, eh? *grins*

I think my favorite part of the tale was the description of Hermione's house. I loved the hedge clippers! Very clever. And the vegetables. I could just see them. =)

It was a little odd that Draco did not recognize Hermione as Hermione, but five years can change people, and I've mistaken perfect strangers for friends, too.

Harry seemed a little OOC, but that's only because I don't imagine him sending Hermione off anywhere. (Not to mention the fact that she wouldn't go AND she'd figure a way out of the charm. *giggles) But I can imagine his and Ron's distress over Hermione's confession.

All in all, I really enjoyed this story and would love to read a bit more about Hermione's adventures in France. =) A house full of Squibs doing everything at beck-and-call seems fair punishment. =P

Finally, congratulations on being Ravenclaw of the Month! You really did deserve it. *huggles*

~Julia

Author's Response: Wow, Julia! Thanks so much for the review! This fic popped into my head awhile ago, point of view included, and I couldn\'t just leave it alone. Thanks again!

 

Nightmare of a Weasley by Eowyn89
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: Ron is thrown into a whirlwind of adventure in the Department of Mysteries. Will he be able to overcome some of the darkest forces known to man?





Eowyn89


Hufflepuff House


For the Gauntlet Challenge #4

Completed all prompts

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3907 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/22/07 Updated: 05/23/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 11/19/07 Title: Chapter 1: Nightmare of a Weasley

Marvelous alliteration in the beginning paragraph: “...marched miserably down the marbled corridors of the Ministry of Magic.”

“to” should not be capitalized in “These Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Days”because it is a preposition.

“...the gold fountain remaining [should this be 'remained'?] a ruined pile of rubble.”

Absolutely amazing vocabulary; 'sconces' did it for me. =)

Wonderful descriptive language; so far, I have been able to see everything.

At first, I took this into my word processor and was going to list everything and then go back and elaborate, but I've decided to begin elaborating now. The few short critiques at the beginning will not continue throughout this review. *bows*

“...ruffled his ginger locks.” Wouldn't we all? *grins* Another Ron Weasley fan? =) What I love about this is your completely real characterization of Ron; you've not made him into a bumbling boob as so many writers do; you've allowed him some dignity ... and kept him totally in character. I seldom see that. Your subtle use of phrases like, “Blimey!” connects your Ron to the Ron of JKR's books and I think that's truly a gift.

“Pick me!” Hee! Such visions as I have... such visions! Actually, they are simply visions of “Alice in Wonderland.” If you've ever seen Disney's animated version, you might be able to connect with what I'm talking about. You remember, in the hall, where Alice has just lost the White Rabbit, and there's a door behind a curtain (different from the book, but no matter), and the keyhole has a face? Well, this is what that reminded me of. Such a fun and whimsical connection ... in such a dark and frightening place. (

 
Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 11/19/07 Title: Chapter 1: Nightmare of a Weasley

(Please disregard the first review; it got cut off.)

Marvelous alliteration in the beginning paragraph: “...marched miserably down the marbled corridors of the Ministry of Magic.”

“to” should not be capitalized in “These Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Days”because it is a preposition.

“...the gold fountain remaining [should this be 'remained'?] a ruined pile of rubble.”

Absolutely amazing vocabulary; 'sconces' did it for me. =)

Wonderful descriptive language; so far, I have been able to see everything.

At first, I took this into my word processor and was going to list everything and then go back and elaborate, but I've decided to begin elaborating now. The few short critiques at the beginning will not continue throughout this review. *bows*

“...ruffled his ginger locks.” Wouldn't we all? *grins* Another Ron Weasley fan? =) What I love about this is your completely real characterization of Ron; you've not made him into a bumbling boob as so many writers do; you've allowed him some dignity ... and kept him totally in character. I seldom see that. Your subtle use of phrases like, “Blimey!” connects your Ron to the Ron of JKR's books and I think that's truly a gift.

“Pick me!” Hee! Such visions as I have... such visions! Actually, they are simply visions of “Alice in Wonderland.” If you've ever seen Disney's animated version, you might be able to connect with what I'm talking about. You remember, in the hall, where Alice has just lost the White Rabbit, and there's a door behind a curtain (different from the book, but no matter), and the keyhole has a face? Well, this is what that reminded me of. Such a fun and whimsical connection ... in such a dark and frightening place. (As I, of course, island-hop back to your story.)

And your expertise as a writer is further solidified by statements like these:

“Funny thing, silence. The lack of sound and light replaced by the pounding fear of a beating heart, as the sweat drips and muscles tense.”

How beautifully that is written! With such finesse! And how true, as well. Very sophisticated, indeed.

*snorts* “...rupturing his retina.” There you go with that awesome alliteration (see, now you've even got me doing it) in a phrase, which, though it is not blatantly funny, still made me laugh. Oh, am I not the wicked one?

Just a few critical notes in the Dark Room section, which, although the writing is marvelous, seems slightly ... pell-mell, willy-nilly to me. A little disorganized and slightly off, in plain English. For example: “He felt his breath quicken, his pulse race, and the palms of his hands became clammy with sweat.” Now, there is nothing wrong with that sentence, but I feel that its meaning would be improved by changing 'becAme' to 'becOme'. The reason for this is because you have him feeling something—breath quickening, pulse racing—fairly recently, but still in the past. And then you immediately switch to the present with “his hands became clammy.” Like I said, the difference is subtle, but I feel that the meaning could, honestly, be improved with a touch more tweaking. Yet, I still find this one of the most accomplished samples of writing on MNFF, if not necessarily in terms of plot, then certainly in terms of characterization, grammar, and proficiency in writing.

And I know you must be getting sick of me mentioning your sophisticated writing, but here is another example: “He ended up punching himself in the eye. Cursing marvelously...” It was hilarious and completely 'Ron' all at the same time. Sehr gut!

“...more and more clear.” Again, nothing wrong, but clearer is used more often. However, I respect your choice of words in this sentence because the sentence itself is so seamless.

“...like a large jeweled bug...” *dies* Such a wonderful description; immediately, one of those rhinoceros beetles comes to mind; big bugs they are, too.

Perfect, he hissed...” I'm sorry; this is not clear to me. The dialog is superb, but is Ron saying this aloud? I did not think so because it was in italics, but then it says 'hissed'. However, if so, where did the quotation marks escape to? *grins* =P (What can I say? I nitpick. Especially when I'm enjoying a good piece of writing.)

Yet another sophisticated and thoroughly enjoyable sentence: If he lifted his foot, would he fall – crashing with full force into the stone “above”?

I've said this before, but I feel I must mention it again; the entire internal dialog that Ron has after the above sentence is just so ... RON. Really, this piece should be a sticky in the Ronald Weasley character area on the Boards. Writers of Ron could really learn a lot from this characterization and I'm not blowing hot air.

The figurative language in this phrase, “...a flimsy sword in hopes that it could spark some form of escape.” is just so wonderful. There is, of course, the apt metaphor of the sword taking the place of the wand, but with “spark,” the message that, “Hey, even MAGIC won't help him here,” really comes home to the reader.

Star Wars! Just had to mention that when I read the Walls-Closing-In bit; the trash-compacted, if you've ever seen the old Star Wars was very like this. And, here, one little bit of critique: “...a shiny black door as glossed as polished marble...” Again, nothing wrong with it, but 'glossy' might work better than 'glossed' in this case.

“He sUnk down...” should be “He sAnk down..” But, hey, the Bible uses 'sunk' to describe a man's actions, so I suppose it's okay. However, in common grammar usage today, it would be 'sank'.

*grins* “With the strength of a Weasley, bred from years of brotherly abuse,” Thank God for those awful Weasley brothers! =P And here you are again, making Ron noble and worthy. What a refreshing change.

“A light breeze swept continuously through the room, bringing with it black shadows whispering of faint memories.” But of course it did. Such beautiful imagery, dear. Really lovely. Especially the end; I can hear it, too.

I really like the Lake scene; it reminds me of Mario 64, but I felt that it was a bit rushed at the end. Ron got the keys too easily; but, the poor bloke has been through a lot. Why not let him have a bit of an easy time, eh?

“...stoned in enclosure...” should be “...stoned-in enclosure...” The words 'stoned' and 'in' are the same adjective and, thus, should be joined by a dash.

I have not mentioned anything about this yet, but you want to be careful with sentences like this: “Ron look horrified as his chance to escape dissolved, the wild creature blocking his way out.” The way it is written makes it a fragment. If, however, you simply added 'for' before “the wild creature blocking his way out,” the sentence would be complete. You've done this before in this one-shot, but the writing, as aforementioned, is so wonderful, this small problem is easily overlooked.

What wonderful imagery once again! “He ‘swam’ towards his body, but either he couldn’t paddle to save his life, or there was some unseen force preventing him from getting any closer to his body.” What an amazing character study this is.

And you're so comical with your writing at times. Many people love random humour, but I prefer subtle humour like this: “He hovered in the air for ages, sulking in a manner so like Myrtle that he actually scared himself.” *giggles* Now that is funny.

“Not that being a soul didn’t have its good points...” Oh, but of course. =)

“...as he let loose a sort of hoarse roar, throwing his fist into the air.

"All noise in the Atrium stopped, as all eyes turned towards him. He felt a familiar pink tinge rising in his cheeks. He cleared his throat loudly, “Er, sorry about that….” Ah, yes. Now, there's the familiar Ron we know and love. What a way to end this. How incredibly marvelous; you have some serious talent, dear, both as a writer AND a bannermaker. Just a bit more, though, just a few remarks more.

“Ron!” Shouted...” The 's' should not be capitalized because it is part of the same sentence as 'Ron!'

Same thing here: “Dad!” Cried...” The 'c' should not be capitalized.

I hope that you do not take my many corrections amiss; I simply loved this enough to leave concrit. (Which always sounds like 'concrete' to me.) But let me say once again how very much I enjoyed this! Such a thorough work. And, thank you, for the banner you made for me. I adore it. Cheers and I look forward to reading more of your writing!

~Julia

 

Mystic Lasanga by social loner
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 23]

Summary: James and Lily are married and Lily is acting strange and emotional. More so than usual that is. However, James may have an idea as to what may be causing Lily's strange emotions.

Categories: James/Lily Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2428 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
05/27/07 Updated: 05/31/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 09/02/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I absolutely LOVED this. James and Lily--especially Lily--are so IC. "Darn it!" *giggles* That just sounded so Lily. I have a cousin who is very ... artsy and earth-mother, and that's who Lily has always reminded me of. And James's innocent, "Would you like any help?" Perfect. Right on the money. And, so. You've got the characterization down pat.

One quick correction: It should be, "I just don't get [it.]"

And another. (I'm sorry! I'm just writing as I read...) You shouldn't put an exclamation point and a question mark together. I.e. "Pregnant!?" It should be one or t'other.

Oh, and the wonderful pregnancy test! What a simple way to do things; and, apparently, failsafe. *grins* Lucky Lily. And, hello Harry!

*giggles* "(out of sight, out of mind)" - James is such a boy. This seems to be the universal concept of a man's "tidying up." Very cleverly placed!

What a great story! I loved the parallel between the lovable, tender, clueless men and the all-knowing, intuitive, connected women. Their was just something so very real about this story. It could have been anybody.

Marvelous job, dear! And thank you again for the wealth of banners. *huggles*

~Julia

 

Coping by social loner
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary: Three years after Voldemort’s final defeat, Hermione finally realizes that it’s time to move on with her life, even though it means going back to her pain stricken past. Knowing she can’t do it alone, she calls on Harry for support. However, Harry has his own demons that are keeping his life from progressing as well.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3174 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/28/07 Updated: 07/03/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 09/02/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Oh, my goodness. That was so very sad. *sniffs* I'm nominating this for the QSQs. And that's that. *tremulously smiles*

It was beautiful. I really can't say much more because I'm really tired and I'm really unhappy. I can almost forget that JKR has written DH when I read this. And that is a feat, dear.

10/10 with one small mistake. 'Ginny' is Ginevra's nickname, not 'Gin.' Other than that... Exquisite.

~Julia

 

Cold's Embrace by evanesco123
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: I've been held in cold's embrace... and now I seek for warmth's. In a world filled with enemies, they were friends. But Blaise wanted to be more than friends. He wanted something he could never have. And so he stepped into cold's embrace. Blaise/Draco


Categories: Same-Sex Pairings Genre: Warnings: Slash

Word count: 1234 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/15/07 Updated: 07/20/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 01/26/08 Title: Chapter 1: Cold's Embrace

Bonjour Melissa! =)

Beautiful beginning, I want to say straight away. The physical analogy—Blaise/Draco, night/day—was wonderful, but its meaning was enhanced by the sentence directly following it: “Mentally, they were the same,” which brings the entire relationship directly into bright, shining view. Splendid job. =)

There are relatively few grammatical errors in this lovely short story, but I believe it's always best to have a bit of concrete (or, constructive criticism, con. crit.) along with praise. It helps in improving one's writing, don't you think?

Thus, I'll be going through the story and pointing out a few very minor things that could be improved upon. Let me hasten to assure you, though, that I found very little to nitpick in your writing. Marvelous job, really.

First, in the second paragraph (bit of an oxymoron-ic statement, eh?), you begin with the word “Slytherin's” involving an apostrophe. However, as “Slytherins” in this case are neither possessing anything nor meaning “Slytherin IS,” the apostrophe should be left off: “Slytherins.” As a general rule—I've noticed that you used the apostrophe incorrectly in other places—unless something is possessing something (for instance: the cat's yarn), or is a contraction using 'is' (for instance: the cat's dancing to the fiddle music), you should not use an apostrophe. Just a brief tip, there. =)

Then in the third paragraph, it should be “Draco and HE” because if you were to delete Draco from that phrase, you would want it to read: “He was different.”

I loved the description of Draco from Blaise's point-of-view. That was really well done. Exactly how I should imagine him, too. Be careful, though, when you use semicolons. Anything divided by a semicolon should be two (or more) complete sentences. Thus: “He longed for Draco’s smooth, pallid skin; his perfectly sculpted lips.” does not quite make sense. “His perfectly sculpted lips” is not a complete sentence, and you would do well to simply place a comma between “skin[,] his”.

Oh! Before I forget,—this is a tiny detail and is one most writers do not think about, but I'm a beta and weird about grammar *grins shyly*—when you are describing a boy's hair colour, you will want to use “blond.” When describing a girl's hair colour, it's “blonde.” Just an obscure tip...

“Perhaps his mother had the right of it.” *sniffs* This is such a grim statement: so black and white. In short, marvelous job. It draws the reader right into the story and shows off Blaise's feelings to perfection.

And then that exchange between Blaise and Draco! My goodness. I loved your descriptive style, especially in this sentence: “Blaise lived his life in silence.” Magnifique! Yes, I agree that Draco has never been one to bite his tongue. I think it's very Slytherin of you (and Blaise, of course) to note this. For, even though he loves Draco, that Slytherin calculating and, well, admittedly a little cold nature comes out in his thoughts about Draco.

Ah! Whenever you begin a sentence with an interjection—oh, cor, wow—you usually want to put a comma after it. For the most part. Really, almost always. As a rule of thumb. *grins* For instance: “Oh[,] how he wanted to tell Draco.”

Ooh... Disease!Draco is REALLY smexy. Great metaphor, that... I really liked it. Beautiful. I want Draco to win, too. *winks*

Just a brief note: You might want to work a little on pronoun confusion. Coming from one slash writer to another, it's difficult to distinguish between who's doing WHAT in a romantic moment ... especially when the persons involved are Male/Male or Female/Female. But in a sentence like this one: “His hot breaths caressed his face.”, the reader might have a little difficulty figuring out whose breath is caressing whose face, you know? It might work better as (because this is from Blaise's point-of-view): “[Draco's] hot breaths caressed his face.”

I love the ... internal confusion in Blaise. You really hit it on the nose; you've a knack for writing Blaise and I think you should continue. Yes! By all means, continue. Marvelous job. As anyone would feel—taking the initiative, loving the moment, fearing the reaction—, Blaise does, too. (Confusing sentence, that. *pulls face*) I could feel it all. I try to make others “see” what I see, but you have made me “feel” what your character is feeling ... and that's exquisite.

“A soft hand on his shoulder gave him pause. Arms encircling his waist from behind him caused him to startle slightly. A light kiss on the base of his neck let him believe. The three whispered words in his ear allowed him the grace to smile.” Eep! I think I just died of love. I'm listening to Bill Joel's “Opus 10. Air (Dublinesque)” and reading this Beautiful paragraph ... and I've died from the loveliness of it all. This ... is spectacular. Really marvelous.

Very successful venture, I think. I would love to read more of your work and, as you are a slash authoress, I believe I will be reviewing (hopefully) more often. Wonderful job once again.

~Julia

 

I Knew by Briel
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: I always knew that Seamus was the one for me. A Seamus/Me love poem.

quote: It all depends on your definitions I guess

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 381 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/21/07 Updated: 08/22/07


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 09/01/07 Title: Chapter 1: I Knew

Oh, this was absolutely wonderful! It's definitely going in my favorites. I love the progression through the years: "You were the boy for me," and then, "You were the man for me."

One of the best parts about this is that it can be read by either one of the sexes, and identified with. We don't know if Seamus's admirer is a girl or a boy, so anyone who reads this can connect.

Now, for the parts I especially loved:

"Some may call me a stalker the way I watched you.

It all depends on your definition, I guess," - I particularly liked this because the cadence of the stanzas just flowed. It was song-like in its cohesion and it's ... rhythm. Beautiful. =)

"I knew that you knew that I knew." MEGASQUEE! Just absolutely beautiful. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all had that feeling? Really lovely.

As I said before, this is definitely going in my favorites. Thank you for this poem!

~Jules

Author's Response: Yay! Thank you for the wonderfully gorgeous long review! I\'m so glad you liked the poem, I don\'t write poetry much, so this wasn\'t exactly thought out. But still, so glad you enjoyed it, and especially that you saw the ambiguity that I was trying for, and that you favorite parts were my favorite parts and the easiest to write! Thanks again!

 

The Women Who Won by Laurelyn
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 33]

Summary: The battle is fought, the war is won--but no victory ever comes cheap. Join Alice, Andromeda, Ginny, Narcissa, Luna, Molly, and Hermione as they discover the cost of war.

EDIT: I'm back! And I am SO SORRY I was gone so long. There is absolutely no excuse for making you wait almost three years for an update. *hides from angry reviewers* The next chapter is in the queue!

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mental Disorders

Word count: 9238 Chapters: 4 Completed: No
Published:
01/16/08 Updated: 12/31/12


Reviewer: Celestial Melody Signed
Date: 01/26/08 Title: Chapter 1: Alice

Hi Kaitlin,

Let me just say—first of all—that I really enjoyed this look into the mind of Alice Longbottom. That foggy land is not a place most writers wish or are even able to traverse; you did an admirable job of doing just that. I particularly enjoyed her preoccupation with “the knot” as one of the steadfast points of her life. For a mentally damaged person, such habits would be immensely comforting and, may I even go so far as to say, fulfilling. And a great tie-in to the HP series with the gum wrapper. It fits right in with what Harry saw: Neville putting the gum wrapper that his mother had given him in his pocket even after Gran scoffed at it (the wrapper).

The entire story is incredibly heartrending; I felt so ... depressed at the end, yet it was an inevitable depression, for I know that nothing can be done to help Alice and Frank. Nonetheless, you have done what JKR has not: shown us a first-person meeting between Alice and her son. To be honest, I wish that JKR had fleshed out Neville's character more in the books, but with wonderful fanfiction writers like yourself, I suppose it wasn't necessary.

Now, before I go, I'd like to suggest a few things—they are minor, but might aid the slightest bit in improving your short story. (Also, let me say right now: I am a grammar-Nazi, and, therefore, most of the mistakes that I mention will be tiny, tiny details that aren't glaring and do not have to be fixed, but could be...)

First, I noticed a run-on in the first paragraph: “Your son Neville is here to see you[;] isn’t that lovely?” By changing the comma to a semicolon, you separate two perfectly good sentences without changing the flow of the sentence.

You know what, allow me to mention—right now—that you are one of the most grammatically precise writers that I have come across here on MNFF. =) *applauds* This chapter contains so few errors and was very well done. The only thing that I have to suggest would be a little more imagery, but then, as this story is told from the point-of-view of a mentally impaired woman, little details of the room, the colours, the smells wouldn't be noticed, would they?

One thing I do have to say, though, is that—as a rule—a large majority of writers/grammarians have begun to place a space after and before an ellipses. For instance, “That voice … she knew that voice!” It simply looks tidier.

“She shook the thought out of her head.” = love, plain and simple. Beautiful.

Also, in the HP world, “healer” is capitalized. Thus, “Healer.”

Besides those few things, however, the story is absolutely lovely. I would like to see more of this tale or, indeed, more of your writing. I thoroughly enjoyed this poignantly lovely look into Alice's memory ... however fleeting her thoughts—and the tale—were. Bravo.

~Julia

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I’m very flattered you consider me one of the most grammatically correct writers here. And I also wish that Jo had done more with Neville’s character, but we can’t have everything. Maybe she’ll give us more in the encyclopedia. As for the grammar, thank you for the tip about the ellipses. I haven’t had an English class in quite a while, so I was unaware writers are doing that now. Also, thank you for the reminder about Healers; I’ll go back and fix that when I get a chance! You are right in that I didn’t imagine Alice noticing little things like smells and colors. However, I can promise you more imagery in future chapters, particularly the one about Molly. Thanks again for the review, and I hope you keep reading!

 
Information
Find out everything you need to know about the site right here.


We have stories and authors in this archive.

:

RSS
Choose Theme:
SOCIAL MEDIA
     
MOST RECENT
M.I.T.: Entente Cordial by Northumbrian 6th-7th Years
A strange and seemingly inexplicable death in London's West End brings an unlikely...
A Squib's Journey by ntoforhp 6th-7th Years
Jeffery Potter always had sensed he was somehow different from his playmates...
Out of the Blue by Secret Marauder 90 1st-2nd Years
This story weaves the tale of James and Lily from the day they met right up...
FEATURED
Five Christmases by hestiajones 1st-2nd Years
It took four Christmases for Andromeda Black and Ted Tonks to get together...
Coming Alive by The owl 6th-7th Years
Leanne Gamp hadn't wanted to be at that party, even though it was Christmas...
Graves by Oregonian 1st-2nd Years
In December of 1997, Harry visits his parents' graves in Godric's Hollow and...
CATEGORIES