Hello all! I am back... as myself. *grins* In other words, my cynicism is done for now. Still don't love JKR, but her books have given us fanfiction writers a lovely playground and I'm very grateful to her for that.
With that apology (?) out of the way, I am still unsure about "Serpent in the Moonlight" and its "update status." At this point, I am working more with photography than I am with writing (except, of course, for "Black as Snow," which I simply adore), so it's quite touch-and-go. But who knows? I'm fairly certain that "Heavenly Hell," etc. will not be updated. Totally lost interest in that. HOWEVER! "In the Shi of the Setting Sun" should be coming along sometime.
Now, let's see, what have I been doing lately? Well, I'll list it for you guys!
- One of my best friends is engaged! O_O I'm so happy for her. =)
- I'm heading off to University soon and I'm really excited about that.
- Now, just random thoughts: Keeno, Megan, costumes, clean room, history, ballet, Broadway, hats, boys or girls, washing clothes, Autumn, music, soundtracks, photography, models, bed sheets, writing, Netflix, Norah Jones, vibratto, Yoga, Dance Magazine, Hollywood, movies, sweaters, Good Earth tea, Burt's Bees Carrot lotion, face paint, Harlequin, Batman, clipped nails...
You know, I think I want to have a contest! For my readers, and then I can, like, have a prize or something... That would be fun, although I'm not sure how it would work. Any ideas?
Okay, now I'm just rambling. Anyway, that's my life right now. So...
...a great and expansive Thank You to all my wonderful readers and reviewers! You've all been angels and helped me through a very tough time in my life. Bless you.
- "Black as Snow" - 5th chapter In The Works
- "The Shi of the Setting Sun" - COMING SOON
Banner 1 ~ Eowyn89
Banner 2 ~ Colores
Banner 3 ~ Eowyn89
Banners 4 & 5 ~ wendelin the wierd
Banner 6 ~ Morwen
Banners 7 & 8 ~ sayiansirius
Interesting. Quite a clever look at Rita's background. I especially loved the picture of her rushing through the crowded streets of London; she was so naive, so innocent...
I have never liked Gilderoy Lockhart and he keeps his odious manner in this story very well. Marvelous job!
I don't think I found any mistakes (maybe a touch of grammar here and there) but nothing that I can recall at the moment. I'm miserably tired, hee! :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I\'m so glad you liked this chapter. And isn\'t Gilderoy just so fun to hate? :D
I really like Alana's reaction to Rita's good fortune. That deliciously spiteful nature just leaks onto the page and creates a clever, interesting character.
One itty-bitty bit of con. crit.: “You wouldn’t mind to, er… to sign this for me?”
That sentence was rather confusing, "You wouldn't mind to sign this for me?" I don't know... I feel it might be better rewritten in this manner,
"You wouldn't mind, er ... signing this for me?
It just flows better, that's all.
Really nice chapter. Can't wait to read more, :)
Author's Response: Thanks, again, for the review and the criticism! I agree - that sentence does sound confusing. I hadn\'t thought about it before! Thanks for reading my story so carefully. That really means a lot to me! <3
Oh, that was lovely. So forlorn and hopeful at the same time! I really felt for poor Susan.
Your writing was marvelous--the emotions were brought across the page VERY well. Well done!
P.S. No grammar mistakes! :) Always a pleasure to read edited fics! Hee!
Author's Response: No grammar mistakes? I think that\'s one of the best things you could have told me. ;) Thanks for your review, I\'m really glad you liked it.
Ooh, lovely beginning! I'm on tenterhooks 'till the next chapter... I can't wait!
What happened to Harry for those six months? And Ginny crying for all those six months...tsk, tsk, poor Ginny, :(
All in all, fantastic read. Marvelous grammar, especially because you're my Beta, :P
I loves you!
Oh, wow. How powerful. I don't understand the ending at all ... well, that's not true. I'm assuming that the Ministry came back to pick up Senan as well. :-( That's so very sad.
This reminded me of stories one hears of World War II. The missing family members, the Gestapo, everything... so very sad. I could almost imagine that the Death Eaters were to be taken to a concentration camp. Execution should seem just, but looking at this from Senan's (objective) point of view, I cannot view it as such. It seems like murder and the Ministry seems like Hitler.
The imagery was beautiful and the description of Ireland's wild beaches contributed to the feeling of gloom and doom instigated by the use of "grey" mood words: "grey water," "white horses," "drizzle," "grey clouds." All in all, a marvelous job with that. :-)
I also felt strangely attracted to Senan. I was devastated at the end when he was so frightened and worried about his family and especially his sister. He obviously loved her, and, at one time, might have been very close to her ... but for Malfoy. Great job on tying canon elements and characters into this as well.
Author's Response: Again, the confusing ending! Apparently, it badly needs to be rewritten. It\'s supposed to reflect Senan\'s own confusion and ignorance of what is going on, but I suppose it\'s a bit much.
I actually got a lot of inspiration from WWII for this story and for the upcoming sequel. Also, the reason I chose Senan to write about is because he would have such a different outlook on the war. Most characters are passionately on one side on the other, but Senan feels it isn\'t his concern. His only worry is for his parents. His connection with Draco is particularly important in my other story, Let A Serpent Sting Thee Twice, although he hasn\'t made an appearance there just yet.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review!
Awww...that's so real. I could visualize it perfectly. And it does happen to so many poor girls. The emotions of Ginny and Hermione were absolutely perfect. But poor Ginny...she slept with Dean, eek!
I really enjoyed it; and I don't blame Ginny for wanting to stay in school. I respect her for telling Hermione what is wrong. Poor Ginny--Harry needs to get a move on! :P
Author's Response: Thank you for the kind words! I\'m glad you enjoyed it and could sympathize with both girls. I was a little worried I hadn\'t put enough focus on Ginny, but your review makes me think otherwise. Thanks for taking the time to review!
Ooh, he's cruel...even to those who follow him the closest. Poor Bellatrix; she really needs to find someone who will appreciate her.
So, I'm assuming this is the first "meeting" of the Death Eaters? Or, rather, the time that Voldemort and Bellatrix recruit them? So this means that...wow, the whole gang is here! Lucius, Peter, Crabbe and Goyle, Rookwood; what about Bellatrix' husband? Is he here, too?
Overall, very effective. And it ties in well with what Bellatrix screams at the Ministry in the fifth book; when they take she, her husband, Barty Crouch Jr., and one other to Azkaban.
She says that she was the Dark Lord's most faithful/loyal Death Eater. I like how you've tied into that, :).
Bellatrix is portrayed very well here, too. She is insanely loyal...almost to the point of obsession. Kudos to you!
It's interesting...I've never read this kind of story before; it definitely is original. Yes, you are right...Isis is usually portrayed as the benevolent type--the mother and all that. Here, however, she seems more like Bellatrix Lestrange than the Mother of the Fertile Nile.
It's an odd character twist...but it involves many of the deities of Egyptian mythology and I really like that, :).
First of all, I love the idea for your story! It’s slightly vague, but that just adds to its charm. Halle sounds like a direct descendent of Ginny; the eyes? :)
I truly enjoyed reading about Miles; his character was so poetic—a model gentleman if ever I’ve “heard” of one. What a pity it is that more of those gentlemen don’t exist today!
As I said, beautiful story, however I think that you and your beta might want to go over the story once more. There were only a few minor mistakes I noticed and they do not, in any way, detract from the overall, quaint appeal of your story … but, I thought I’d point them out anyway. :)
In the first sentence, ‘specs’ are a synonym for ‘spectacles.’ The proper word to use would be ‘specks.’ There really shouldn’t have been a comma after the word ‘specs,’ either because you’re saying ‘dust specks and gnats.’ The sentence is not: ‘A brilliant sun shone across the water and gnats,’ which is how it reads with the phrase ‘illuminating dust specks’ in there. Hee! Just saying…
I loved the sentence, ‘Halle liked fuzzy.’ It was immensely effective due to its short length. I adore those short, choppy sentences. Well done!
This sentence: ‘The ripples fanned out into the deepest corners of the lake, and Halle watched them tide against the bank somberly with her chocolate brown eyes.’
I couldn’t quite understand whether it was the ripples tiding against the bank somberly, or whether her eyes were somber. If it is her eyes, the word ‘somberly’ should be offset with commas.
Oh! Onomatopoeia! Made me very happy, :) ‘Plop, plop, plop.’
Miles has a very forthright manner and this makes him quite an original character. I like him. Good job!
I hate to tell you, love, because it’s such a fun term, but ‘sorriness’ isn’t an actual word. Of course, you could have been using this word for effect, but just informing you...
Miles’s logic about “love” is truly priceless. I loved it: ‘Miles nodded and then resumed a serious face as Halle grimaced. He toyed the idea with himself for a moment, then said, ‘How about we say… we’re not lovers—’ Halle shook her head ‘—We’re not in love—’ Halle shook her head uncertainly ‘—But we love one another, and care deeply about each other. How’s that? Does that make you feel better?’’ ________________________________________
Just one itty-bitty bit of con. crit. here: Halle smiled into her waffles. ‘He wanted to talk to me, is that right, I’m not telling, and yes, he did end up finding me. In the order you asked your questions.’
I didn’t understand why she said ‘is that right’ in the middle of her sentence. Maybe I’m not reading it carefully enough, but it didn’t make sense.
Oh, and Cheerios is a brand-name so it would be capitalized.
The next scene was really lovely. Miles is such an original character! (Just like I said earlier…) He is truly captivating; lucky Halle. And just one bit of crit.
‘He focused in on Halle’s eyes as they drew closer, and her felt her warm breath on his mouth. He smiled.’
I wasn’t quite sure why it said ‘and her felt her warm breath on his mouth.’
Should that be: ‘and HE felt her warm breath on his mouth.’ ?
________________________________________I truly loved your story and you have quite a gift for background and setting. I pictured the hot, steamy room and the lazy quiet of the lake perfectly. Please do not feel as though I was completely negative; I didn’t mean to offend you if I did so. Marvelous job overall, :).
And, as a parting compliment … this entire segment was enchanting. Absolutely enchanting.
‘As the exited into the sunshine, Miles stopped Halle on the sandstone steps. ‘You’re glowing,’ she said softly.
Halle put a hand self-consciously to her cheek. ‘I am?’ she said uncertainly.
‘Yes, you are,’ Miles said, regarding her seriously. ‘Lovers alone wear sunlight.’
Author's Response: oh, JULIA! *squees* words cna not explain how happy i am to review this review. I love you, fellow Turnip dear! You hit everything spot on, thank you so much! I\'ll go and edit them now! Look at all those typos! I\'m so happy!
As for Miles, I may or may not be in love with my own character. He\'s magnificent, and I don\'t hesitate in saying I made him awesome for a reason =D. Halle is indeed a lucky girl. ♥
That was beautiful. Your description of Althea's feelings was insightful, believable, applicable to anyone who has ever felt like the "outsider" because of the actions of another.
I have never resorted to cutting myself as you did *huggles you to death* or as Althea has, but I was bulimic and anorexic for a year (and then some...) so I understand her pain.
The story was beautifully written. I can see James doing that even though I have always loved him ... no, admired him in the books. I wish JKR would give us some more information on his background! Agh!
I just found a few things to critique. Overall, your mastery of language and grammer bleeds (absolutely NO pun intended) through the pages and creates quite an impact. But I am picky and so I found a few things. Minor mistakes that don't necessarily need to be changed, but there you have it.
Paragraph 2: "...a group of four boys who make it their mission..." The paragraph is written in the past tense and therefore it should be: "...a group of four boys who MADE it their mission..."
Paragraph 4: "...except or ridicule or patronise them." I believe this should be "...excpet TO ridicule..."
Your description of the courtyard was beautiful. I could picture it distinctly! Marvelous imagery.
I understood her feelings very well when she described how it felt to talk to James. I have experienced that feeling once, but it didn't go any farther than friendship, thank God. I sincerely hope that you haven't had what happened to Althea happen to you. And, if you have, my heart goes out to you even more. *more huggles and chocolates, tissues, and a book*
One little bit more, I love how you've interspersed long sentences with a myriad of shorter ones. This gives a desperate feeling to Althea's musings and truly brings out her character.
Just a bit more... :) I'm sorry for all the corrections. I just really love this story. "...muggle-born, Gryffindor girl named Lily Evans." I believe "Muggle" is capitalized, just like a culture, i.e. the English, Americans, Inuits, etc.
"...Ministry’s top aurors..." I believe 'Aurors' should be capitalized, too. :-)
Finally, I am finished. But, what a marvelous story. I want to hug Althea, you, and anyone else who has felt this pain ... and that's odd for me to want to do that! I don't usually hug anybody. That was a powerful ending; I sensed her self-disgust, which is a feeling that pervaded my own obsession with food/bulimia, etc. The self-hatred really ruins a life and I could feel that in Althea's last words in the story. How I wish that she could be saved! I wish... I don't know what I wish. But, marvelous job! I truly enjoyed this story.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! This has to be the best review I\'ve ever gotten! *hugs* I\'m really glad you liked the story and thought her feelings were realistic. I self-harmed for nearly two years, so that\'s where a lot of it came from. And I also know what it\'s like to be used by guys, though with me it never went that far (ie: I didn\'t actually sleep with them). Thank you for all the corrections! I guess I never spotted those when I edited the story, but I will go back now and fix them. Thanks for pointing them out. Again, thank you so much for all your comments. It means SO much to know you liked my story. You\'ve really made my day! =)
Ooh, very nice, :).
I like how you've brought Harry's adult character through the writing. His lack of interest in life now that Voldemort has been vanquished is brought out very well. :)
And the names of the children are absolutely perfect! Just what I thought they should be!
Well done! and I can't wait to read more!
Author's Response: Thank you! It took me ages to get the character through without it sounding like he was moaning too much! I\'m glad you enjoyed it!
Oh, dear...I really like it, I do. It's just, Sirius is one of my favorite characters and now he'll never be able to get back! :(
Very well written, however, and it explains why some people choose to remain behind as ghosts. So then, I suppose part of Professor Binns is left here, too?
Dane is slightly scary, isn't he? A bit morbid...although if I'd fallen through the veil, I would be too!
Very nice story; I enjoyed reading it.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I\'m glad you found my theory interesting.
Poor Blaise! I feel so sorry for him. He reminded me of the Von Trapp family children in "The Sound of Music."
I especially love the part where he thinks that his favorite stepfather, Alfie, died of a broken heart. That's so innocent!
The hat was cruel! More so than it has been on past occasions; but, again, the hat is the omnipotent one. Always and forever.
I truly enjoyed this story!
Marvelous look at a seldom seen character. Well done!
Author's Response: Thank you! I\'m glad you enjoyed it so much. If you want more Blaise, I\'d recommend reading Beyond Words another one of my fics that has a pathetic number of reviews.
That was beautiful. Very well-written; I found nothing to correct, :).
You have a gift with writing. I "saw" the studio, and I saw the dancers. I couldn't quite imagine Ginny or Draco dancing, but the sentiment was there.
I can tell they are your OTP ... well, goodness, I hope they are! Otherwise, I've just made a fool of myself, hee! :)
Well done! Well done...
Author's Response: Aww, thanks sweetie! XD I\'m glad you found no fault in it; you\'ve just made my morning!
Hmm... I like it! :) I really do... I wasn't too sure if I would, but ... the concept is much better than so many other Lily/Marauder stories out there.
You've created personalities for Lily's friends and Sirius isn't a playboy (hee!) so... Well done!
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m glad I won you over, lol I appreciate every single person who reads this! Squee! Thank you!
This was a very promising beginning to a cleverly-named story. I must admit, I was searching for the motif of 'alone' as soon as I found: "She headed toward the spot she always went to, to be alone." Really wonderful job on making that pattern come out in the story.
I'm a touch confused about why Nell (a very believable and potentially likeable character) is fighting with her mother. Is it normal teenage blues? Because if it is, I completely understand. =) *giggles* I'm curious, therefore, to find out what happens in Nell's relationship with her mother.
You know, this isn't a humourous story at all, and I realize that it isn't, yet I still found this sentence, "She didn’t like the idea of being trapped between some humming person and a ledge." to be really funny. =) I can see Nell thinking that. Which only reinforces the complete and thorough grasp you have on your character.
All in all, I really enjoyed this first chapter although, for me, it seemed to move a touch too fast. For example: When Nell was fighting Severus Snape (I'm assuming that the greasy young lad is he,) she seems to be talking to him in one paragraph, thinking about fighting him the next, and being dragged into the house right after that. No preamble, really, just a quick transition. I believe with an intermediary sentence--something along the lines of "Though Nell desperately clawed and scratched at the boy, he seemed oblivious to pain and continued to pull her up the drive towards the house..." etc. That's a very minor change and need not be implemented unless you really want to. Your writing style is engagning and I enjoyed this. However, you might want to watch your "so's." You seem to start the majority of sentences with 'so' or 'so,' with a comma. This isn't crucial, but I believe you might have a little more variety if you would... well,
Author's Response: Thank you for the amazing review!!!!!!!!!! Yesh, Nell is just fighting with her mom because she\'s a teenage girl. I love the word so... I\'ll keep on mind that I use it too often though.
(continued from previous *malfunctioning* review)
Author's Response: *continued from previous fully-functioning reply* ...so,
(continued from previous *malfunctioning review*
well, vary the sentence patterns a bit more.
Please understand that I'm not trying to be critical because I truly liked this chapter, however, I am trying to help your story along with a bit of con-crit. =) *giggles* (That sounds so much like 'concrete'.)
Therefore, I have a few more, itsy-bitsy criticisms. In the ninth paragraph, there is a sentence about the mansion that reads like this "It had vines creeping up the sides and looked as if they’d been there for over a hundred years." I really like that sentence--I'm a sucker for imagery, =)--but it could be improved by changing "sides AND looked" to "sides WHICH looked" or "sides THAT looked" because you're talking about the vines.
Towards the middle, too, there is a sentence, "Nell’s face was so full of fear." That doesn't quite flow. If you deleted 'so,' it would work much better.
I'm sorry for the nit-picky review. I truly DID enjoy this and I'd love to read more when I've the time.
Good luck with your story, dear! =)
Author's Response: I actually liked the nit-picky-ness. Thank you for such a good review. Without a review like this every once in a while, how am I ever going to improve??!?! I appreciate the review. Have a grood holiday, and I look forward to another review from you... when you have the time. :)
This is a very indepth look into the background of Egypt's culture/mythology. There really was a greater emphasis on mythology and actual ... nomenclature (?) of the gods and godesses in the OWL level, however, it was really great to have all this background in the NEWT chapter.
It really surprised me, however, that Isis was not mentioned more often. She has always seemed like the mother of Egypt to me, but, apparently, wasn't as ground-shaking as I thought.
I didn't know, offhand, that females were allowed to be priests--or, in this case, 'priestesses'--although I did know that in the Syrian (? I'm not sure... It existed along with the Hebrew culture) that females did indeed participate in temple functions. Though, of course, I really should have realized that the Egyptians allowed females to perform priestly duties because 1.) They allowed women to become pharoahs (AKA Hatshepsut) and 2.) Even the Greek culture with a greater emphasis on male virtues allowed women to become priestesses.
All in all, I really enjoyed the look at the background of Egyptian mythology almost as much as I enjoy the obvious freedom we're going to have with the story. Professor Martreb, you've certainly left the arena wide open for us to explore. There is a great deal of self-study in this class and I like that.
As for the OWL chapter, I liked it although, as I said before, the emphasis seemed to be on lesser deities instead of those like Isis who made up a great part of the daily Egyptian worship. Isis seemed to me to be the mother of all Egypt (I reiterate what I said earlier) and as such would have had influence on the Nile, crops, etc. She was the mother, a very Fertile mother.
However, this was indeed a comprehensive look into the basics of ancient Egyptian mythology.
I think that with this lesson, and with most lessons, what I\'m trying to do is expose you to some of the lesser known aspects of a given culture. You already know about Isis, why do I need to repeat it? Also (generally speaking) there\'s so MUCH about her (or any of the other major deities I mentioned in passing) that it would have been nearly impossible to get it all in. So I didn\'t try. Apologies. I do feel that those who care will seek out the knowledge themselves and those who don\'t....Well, let\'s be honest. I\'m not straining myself for those.
Oh, how sad! ... But so beautiful.
I'm certainly not a judge of poetry--having never written anything one could call Poetry--but this had a certain rise and fall in its metre that was ... really lovely.
I could picture Tom, first as an up-and-coming businessman, and then as a tortured individual as the madness and evil overtook him. It's so sad ot imagine because not only did he lose his life (figuratively speaking,) he also thought that the "Dark Side" would make him more powerful ... and so it did, but with a catch. Can you imagine living with your soul split into pieces? Poor Tom... =(
I think, perhaps, my favourite stanza was, "And he's falling on his soft, white, bleeding wings." That was so vivid and beautiful; I really enjoyed reading it because I Saw that image ... It was sad, but really lovely.
Great job at characterization, by the way; Tom would feel lost, triumphant, hollow, all those things. He's such an enigma. And of course, his upbringing has everything to do with his downfall. All in all, though, you've created quite a piece here and I did enjoy reading this. =)
P.S. I tried the link on your Banner Page, and it didn't work, so... But thank you again for the lovely banner. =) I adore it.