What happens when it all falls part, and life just becomes too much to bear?
Steph, this is such a lovely beginning! Your descriptions are beautiful, and I really feel like I've been drawn into Hermione's head for a while here. Her feelings are easy to identify with, and she seems much more vulnerable than she is in the books. I love that aspect. The whole needing to cry, but can't at the same time was wonderful, and I felt that the poem worked nicely, too. And the wanting to be fictional! I totally understand that. It's amazing to me that Hermione is the same way. Great job here, darlin'!
Author's Response: See, we are joined at the hip.
Steph! *glomps* When I first read this, many months ago, I must say I was absolutely crushed when Hermione didn't "feel" the kiss. You did an excellent job showing her complete heartbreak, even though it was just a dream. That whole scene with the kiss is beautifully haunting. I think you described Ron perfectly -- his eyes changing expression, then him stepping back, hands in pockets, the whole thing is just how I imagine a slightly older Ron.
But going back to the beginning, before the actual dream, I like that even there Ron and Hermione seem like themselves. They're both being stubborn, and Hermione is being a little bossy even. I especially like that Ron actually notices that she's upset in the first place, but then he goes further and asks her what's wrong, and then won't leave till he gets an answer. He's clearly maturing, but I can still see glimpses of the book!Ron sticking out. Hermione's outburst is just fantastic. Clearly, she's thought about this a lot (as seen in the other chapter, lol), and it's very important to her. It's a good thing to be thinking about, too. I'd probably wonder the same thing if I were in her position -- which makes her character so easy to relate to in this fic.
Now that I've rambled in a very Steph-like fashion, I'm going to go away. Not for long, though! If you ever want me to go gung-ho on these last two chapters, let me know! I always love working and chatting with you. *hugs*
Author's Response: Oh, how I miss you!! I just want to climb onto the lounge with you and dig my toes under the pillows! I love these reviews, Abi, because they\'re so you, and not that horrible textbook-know-it-all. They make me feel loved, and a much better writer than I am, but most definetly the writer I want to be :).
Ooh! What an interesting idea! I'm so sad that you haven't been updating this! What happens? I really want to know!
The intent of the caster, not the spell, is what truly defines a spell as dark or light. If you were to use a standard levitation charm to drop a man off a tower, would that not be dark? If you were to end a suffering man’s life with a painless Avada Kedavra, would that not be light?
This raises some very interesting questions. It sounds like Merlin is saying that euthanasia is acceptable! I'm not sure I agree with that. It's a good point, though. I'm thinking you're referring to Dumbledore's death here -- seems kind of like foreshadowing, only in reverse! Cool!
I really enjoyed reading this -- but I'm so disappointed -- people definitely reviewed, and there's still no update! I want more ...
Wow, what a chilling story. I can’t believe this is your first fanfic – it’s marvellously written. From the first paragraph, your writing pulled me in to the story with your exquisite descriptions and spooky setting. You really made Draco a sympathetic character – I felt so sorry for him! He really was trapped, wasn’t he? I like that you made his relationship with his parents a loving one. There are too many stories out there with a tortured, abused Draco, but I find this a lot more believable. It explains why he would go to such lengths to protect his parents. My heart ached for him when he found out his parents had been murdered. That really shows the cruelty of Voldemort and his enjoyment of seeing others in pain. I also enjoyed your characterisation of Bellatrix. We never see her from anyone’s point of view but Harry’s, and it’s quite possible that she could still care for her family, even under Voldemort’s grasp.
The way you told the story, it really seemed clear to me that Draco’s death was a blessing to him. He was in utter agony, completely hopeless and helpless, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He had nothing left to live for. Voldemort would probably be furious to realise that he had done Draco a favour, don’t you think? It’s a beautifully bittersweet ending.
I also really enjoyed your use of flashbacks to tell the story – they were very effective and made sense in the context that they were written.
While I read, I noticed a few little mistakes, so it’s nitpick time!
In the first sentence of the second paragraph, it should be: His swollen eyes suddenly jerked open.
Then, after Draco is tortured, it should be: Unconscious, he could not feel being rolled down roughly in a dark corner, and being left there to die ...
Then in the paragraph after he finds his parents’ graves, you have a section of Draco’s thoughts in italics, but there’s a bit that shouldn’t be. It should read: Malfoys can’t just break down, he thought sternly. You are strong, Draco; control yourself.
And then, in the very last sentence, “Disapparated” should be capitalised.
Reading it again, I’m still struck with emotion. Excellent job! I’m looking forward to seeing more from you!
Author's Response: OMG!!!! thanks a million abigail, for this brilliant review.. its not often that people write more than 5 lines.. and i recieved an in-depth analysis.. WOW.. about the mistakes, i\'ll make sure i correct them as soon as possible.. thanks once more for the truly wonderful review!!
Heather, I love this story. Your descriptions are absolutely amazing -- so rich and flowery and have such depth.
And this chapter was so intense! I knew as soon as Evey opened the door that Remus was going to get attacked, and I was begging them not to go out! The way it opens, talking about the bloody sun, just really struck me. That seems to set up the tone for the rest of the chapter, foreshadowing Remus’s descent into melancholy. His childhood has been so cheerful and rosy up to this point, but soon it will be bloody, warped, and desolate. It’s just fantastic.
You also did did a fantastic job keeping Remus in age. He’s only seven when he’s attacked, and you don’t give him thoughts that are too mature. He’s just an eager little boy still, and you can really see that in your portrayal of him.
You are extremely talented, Heather. Keep up the fantastic work!
Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked it. The AP readers gave me a 5 (which equal college credit) on my Eng. Lit test, which means I sort of know what I\'m doing, but I really haven\'t had anyone work with me on fiction writing. I have trouble keeping children in age, but when it\'s not first peron, it\'s a lot easier to make children seem younger. Also, this chapter\'s imagery was my favorite out of the entire story, so thanks for appriciating it. It\'s thrilling to read so many amazing reviews to this story, which I poured so much time into when I could have been studying or partying.
Wow! I can't believe it got accepted already -- ok, maybe I can, because it's so very good! I really want to know what happens next . . .
Okay, I love reading fics that pair Ginny with Draco, but this is just so much better! Blaise is somehow softer than Draco, someone that Ginny could easily fall for. Their relationship seems just so much more plausible!
I love that you started this out with Blaise's point of view. It's so refreshing. I also enjoyed the way you brought in elements of the Half-Blood Prince. It's a wonderful explanation of how Draco could get away with what he did. Wonderful! And Blaise's pretending at the Transfiguration is so funny. I just want to giggle. You portray him fantastically, as well as Ginny. I love this line – Ginny let out a snort of laughter and then stopped herself as though surprised. Her look of confusion prompted Blaise to laugh. That's fantastic! Oh, the tension … and then Myrtle accusing them of flirting! *giggles* Oh, wow. That's just the sort of thing she would say, and it's so true! They were flirting shamelessly! Aw. And then … that kiss! Guh. It's amazing. I can't wait to read the next chapter! This is great!
MIKI!!! This is so cute! I love the way you portray both Jemima (great name, by the way) and James. Jemima reminds me a little bit of Luna -- sweet but a little out there.
I found myself growing increasingly envious of a man who did not exist.
*squee!* I love that line! Jemima sure knew how to catch his attention ...
I just love how sweet and fluffy it is. It's a great read! I saw that you've written more about Jemima ... I can't wait to read them! Keep up the great work, fellow Turnip!
I love that you named Draco's children Cain, Judas, and Jezebel! Three of the most hated people in the Bible. That's wicked!
Author's Response: WOOT! I\'m so glad you caught that! I figured Lucius has to be named after Lucifer, after all...so just trying to keep up the family traditions. :D
Wow, that was cool -- you had romance, intrigue, mystery, and suspense, all in one story! Nothing was overdone (or underdone, for that matter); it was quite believable. I was drawn in from the beginning, but was too impatient to stop to review until now!
And it had a very interesting concept, too. Lily stealing Dumbledore's memory from the DoM so they could get Snape on their side? Wow, I applaud your creativity -- that's some twist!
I love the way you portrayed Lily and James. They aren't too sappy sweet, they aren't living together, but they are clearly in love with each other. James waking Lily up and making her breakfast was very precious; I loved that. I also really liked that they still fought with each other. After all, they fought a lot at Hogwarts -- why should that suddenly change, just because they are in love? *winks*
James was pacing back and forth in her apartment and when he heard the pop that signaled her arrival he gripped her so hard she thought she might bruise.
“Lily! Are you all right? Are you hurt at all? Are you safe?”
“James, I’m fine, you can let go of me.” Lily grimaced as she rubbed her arms where he’d grabbed her. “I thought you’d ask if I had the memory — that’s certainly more important than my well-being at this time.”
“Don’t be silly,” James said, stroking her hair and pulling her close to him. “You’ll always be the most important to me.”
That part was so sweet. Lily, being the practical one, but James, as the one left to worry, is ... well, worried! Great job.
I was sad to see that this story was over. I'd love to see more James and Lily written this way!
Oh, Lex! *squee* That is so adorable! Guh. I totally heart Charlie right now. I think I’ve just switched from Bill to Charlie … Wow. This is amazing on so many levels.
Firstly, I love the way Charlie is so honest with Hermione. He completely opens up to her and shows her that he trusts her, allowing her to trust him. He’s fabulous, the way he drew her out and really got to know her. Hermione was perfect, too – very insightful and understanding – especially when she was able to read into Charlie’s tone and see how much the mistreated dragons hurt him. I like that we’ve never really seen this side of Hermione before, this soft, lonely person that she’s always been. And I love that Charlie is the one to bring that out.
I also really enjoyed the way you portrayed Hermione’s relationship with Harry and Ron. I’d never considered that she might have felt left out, but it makes perfect sense the way you say it. They were always fighting, it’s true! Her loneliness is understandable and very accessible. I can see pieces of me in her, and this makes her more real to me. I also believe what you’ve said about her family seeing her as a criminal, a killer – that again is so plausible. The way Charlie comforts her and shows her that her family was wrong is just … guh. Where can I get a man like that? I love the way they joke with each other before realising that they wouldn’t mind being together. Charlie’s vision of Hermione in his Dragon Healer shack made me ache with its sweetness – and it seems that Hermione’s affirmative answer made Charlie ache, too! Aww. The ending is wonderful, too – it ends with a jest and a promise, and that just seems so fitting of who Charlie and Hermione are. I love the second to last line – “He didn’t want to wipe at the sparkling tear streaks that remained on her skin for fear of disturbing this pocket of peace that he stumbled into.” It’s wonderful. The whole thing is wonderful, Lex.
I had only one little comment about your use of ellipses. Sometimes you have spaces between each full stop, and sometimes you don’t. I found that the ellipses with spaces were a little distracting, so you might want to consider making them all the same. But that’s my only nit-pick! This is simply fabulous, Lex. Good work!
Author's Response: lol! I actually have heard that before! I have a love of those pauses, and I know I tend to overuse them. I\'m making an effort to incorporate pauses in other ways. Thank you so much for reading! I hope I get to chat with you soon.
Wow! That was very well done. James was so curious -- just like me! You portrayed each of the four very well. I thought it was pretty funny that Peter was drawing girls' chests, and I found James' view of the opposite sex even funnier! How did you know how to make boys talk and think that way?
Do you mind if I do a little nit-picking? Trust me, I wouldn't bother if I didn't love your story!
Sirius had already told him much more than an average twelve year old boy should know about girls and it all sounded very interesting to him. He had of course noticed that girls had some appendages that he didn’t but they had never been on any interest to him until recently.
In that last sentence, I suspect you mean of any interest, yes? That's the only typo I found, and while you could use a few commas in places, it's not as noticeable. Oh, and you might want to correct the A/N at the end!
After reading it through again, I've just been chuckling our loud. Sirius is so funny! And James is just adorable, like a teddy bear. His puzzled expression must be fun to see, and even Peter seems lovable. Remus is so gentle and thoughtful -- I just wanted to cry when he thought that James would abandon him. Again, I say -- Good work! I'm off to read the next instalment!
~ Abigail, Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review! Oh my goodness, yes, I did mean \'of\', I hadn\'t noticed that *rushes to correct it* Thanks for pointing that out. *Also goes to check A/N* Of course I don\'t mind if you nit pick! If you have taken the time to review, I will not complain if you have noticed something that I didn\'t when I posted it. Thanks again, hope you enjoy my other stories! :)
Oh, my goodness! I am totally a Regulus/Marie shipper now! Completely convinced. They definitely belong together. Their chemistry is palpable, I think, and they work so well together! (Not to mention they're sexy, too!)
But I really enjoyed the use of "questionable" means to save their lives. It seemed almost a foreshadowing of Regulus's future, but at the same time, it was explained away so nicely. I love this -- "They were already here." Very nice excuse, and it's true, too. Excellent work here!
Author's Response: Two reviews! Yay!
Girls, this paring is so hot! I just adore Marie and Regulus as a couple. They were clearly meant for each other. I love the way they interact together – so playful and teasing. I can feel the electricity between them – it's perfect! *giggles* Mar is so proud here, determined to stay angry at Regulus without giving in to his charm, but of course no one can resist him – especially not Marie, and especially not when Regulus is " feathering kisses on the back on her neck." *shivers* Just … guh. That's amazing. Too bad werewolves had to interrupt them! I suppose you had to do that, though, to be able to post here! And oh, it's so scary. I see why this fic is in the Dark/Angsty category. I was sure that they would be wolf kibble – but the incorporation of Samhain is fantastic! (On a side note, I have a feeling that Samhain will be important in the Deathly Hallows.) That chant was eerie, as was your description of the spirits of the dead. Excellent job. And, of course, I still love Marie and Regulus's interaction with each other. Their love for each other is so obvious, even without words. It's just beautiful. I love this fic!
Author's Response: Thanks so much Abi! We are so glad you love the story so much! I knew when I found that chant that we had to use it in the story. It was just too perfect! Thanks for the reviews!!
Hannah! That was so good! Can I just say that I NEVER cry when I watch movies or read books -- except when I read that Matthew had died in Anne of Green Gables -- and I actually was a little weepy when I read that Harry and Ron were dead. It was so much more poignant because they had children . . . I can't believe it.
And I'm glad you made Draco good. I've been reading Draco fics to help me with mine . . .
Anyway, this is review is courtesy of
The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves
Author's Response: Awwwww. Thanks, Abigal! And I cried during Anne of Green Gables, too. Oh, and during Eight Below, but you\'re probably too mature to watch kidddy dog movies and cry when the leopard seal jums out of the whale! But really, thanks so much! And I\'m really glad it made you teary-eyed, lol. I didn\'t think it was THAT sad. But anyway, thanks again!
STEPH!!! *attacks* I'm here, finally, to read this fabulously fabulous fic! Wow. Just … wow.
Can that be my review? No? Okay.
Steph, darling, you have a magnificent way with words. Each and every single one is perfect for the sentence, the paragraph, the situation, the emotion … everything. I'm in awe. I get shivers just reading – it's amazing! You paint vivid word-pictures. I would not change a single word you've written – unless it's in the wrong tense or something! (See below.)
This is a marvellous idea, Steph. In fact, I had never bothered to question why the Stone was brought to Hogwarts in the first place. What made you think about that? You came up with a solution that works well. It's unnatural to live an immortal life, and I'm glad you hinted at that and proclaimed that even the immortal are never truly satisfied.
The use of a Pensieve is also quite effective. Instead of just relating the problems between Nicholas and Perenelle, you can actually show us. That's fantastic. The memories are so sad! No wonder Nicholas wants to die. His relationship with his wife reminds me a little of Finding Neverland. Nicholas didn't try to neglect his wife, did he? He was just distracted. It's sad.
I love this line: Dumbledore nodded wisely. ‘Ah, yes. The trees have ears.’Can we say Narnia? Wow. And it fits so well, too!
And I told you they were coming. Here are nit-picks! Not too many.
He drew his wand and opened the gates for Dumbledore, and the newcomers face split into an unmistakably thankful grin. You need an apostrophe in "newcomer's" to make it possessive, not plural.
‘So, Nicholas, are you going to tell me why you’ve request I come all the way to Paris for you today?’ "Request" should be "requested."
The portraits spoke shiftily in their frames, and Dumbledore noticed that Nicholas no longer walked as though this were his mansion; in fact, it looked as thought Nicholas was a small child, hiding from his mother. You have an extra letter. "Thought" should be "though."
Dumbledore had only just been able to secure safety of his school before whisking himself off to Paris for his friend. I think you need the word "the" in between "secure" and "safety." I think.
‘I see.’ said Dumbledore, ‘But are you not happy for what you have achieved?’ You have the dialogue punctuation backwards here, dear. You need a comma before "said Dumbledore" and a full stop after.
‘No, Nicholas,' she sad, he voice wavering. 'It is time I think we went our separate ways. It should be, "she said, her voice." And maybe commas around "I think."
And I'm not sure that "adulting" is a word. No, I don't think it is. Try "adulturine." And oh! I just looked up the name Perenelle. Here's what it says, though I'm sure you already know: "Form of Parnel, which became slang for a promiscuous woman." Whoa. That's just brilliant, Steph.
Those are the only spelling/grammar/punctuation errors I found. However, I did spot a couple places where it seemed choppy or unclear. Firstly, when Albus pulls out the Pensieve, why is Nicholas so startled? That didn't make sense to me. The other place is in the second memory. Nicholas is talking about Excalibur, but in Perenelle's response, she changes the subject. Maybe there's a line or two of dialogue missing? It just didn't flow quite right.
Also, as I read it for the third time, I noticed that in the dialogue, everyone says the other person's name. In every sentence, nearly. It got a bit distracting after a while, especially when I considered that I rarely use people's names when I'm talking directly to them. I only use their name when I want to get someone's attention or when I was to really emphasise a point. If I were you, I'd take out at least half of those names.
Wow, sorry! I said a lot of bad things, didn't I? Oops. I didn't mean to! I just really really want to help improve this, because it is so astonishingly fabulous! It was insightful into human nature – very realistic and convincing. Your language is, again, lovely and full of imagery. Your dialogue (except for the names) is believable, the plot is believable, and it fills in a plot hole wonderfully. I don't even know what else to say about this! I heart your writing like whoa, Steph! *hugs*
Author's Response: OH MAN what a review! I need to seriously pick one of the three versions of this on my computer to fix up. I seriously don\'t know what\'s up with that...
With the errors, you spotted a couple new ones! Huzzuh for that! A couple of them I\'ve actually fixed BEFORE, but now I\'ve got some new ones, teehee. I ♥ you Abs. Thanks for the review!
Grr! I really, really want to know what happens! I did what you said and looked those words up, and here's what I found: subnubilus -- partly cloudy, pluvia-grano -- rain and hail, simplex -- simple.
So ... is he going to make a rainstorm? How would that help him get revenge? I can't figure it out!
Anyway, I really like this so far! I'm so glad you avoided the cliche of Lily and James being Heads together ... even if this IS their sixth year ...
Okay ... I reviewed ... type faster! And ... do you wanna review my story? Keep up the good work! I'm really impressed!
Author's Response: I\'m so glad that you like it enough to care what happens. *does celebratory victory dance* And good job with taking up the initiative to look up the words! You\'re definitely on the right track . . . as for revenge, you\'ll see! I absolutely HATE the cliche of James and Lily being heads together. (and that\'s not to say stories that have that scenario are bad, but I\'m just so tired of it). I\'ll definitely look at your story, and I\'m glad I impressed you. Thanks for the review!
Hi, Kathy! Wow, nice job here. It reads very much like a diary – I can totally see myself in Lily’s thoughts. There’s a nice flow-of-consciousness feel about it, which makes it relatable and believable. I liked the Transfiguration trauma – hee, that was so funny!
A note of caution, though – the whole having two best friends who fall in love with James’s best friends is a tad cliché and overdone. I suggest changing that up in the near future! Also, as enjoyable as the randomness is, try to focus your plot a little more. I realise this is only the second chapter, but I can’t really tell where this is going (except that Lily and James will get together, obviously). Try sketching out your plot before you start to write, maybe. That definitely helped me with my chaptered fic!
Again, Kathy, this is a very cute, sweet chapter from Lily’s POV. Nice job! I like that Lily is a different girl than either Ginny or Hermione, and I like that she isn’t acting too old. Both are difficult to do, and you’ve pulled it off! Keep it up!
Abigail, Knight of the Turnip Table
Author's Response: Haha, thanks Abigail. And don\'t worry, I\'ll change up the little cliche in there after a little while. I need some sort of drama of some sort, and then I\'ll have her two friends sort of...I suppose, drop their crushes? Well, thanks again! -runs off to work on chapter 3- ~Kathy
Wow. That was so moving ... I'd always wondered what really made Moody so ... twitchy, so scared -- but not -- all the time. This explains it!
Ironic that such a loud child left life without a single sound.
Great line! That tells us so much about her character and her death. I ached when I read that -- curse you, Voldemort!
Vardy, I am so impressed with your writing! I almost cried when Emilia died. (love the name, by the way!) Really, I'm not sure what else to say ... very touching, very realistic. Well done!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Abigail! Made my day. ^^
Okay, I'm reviewing again because not only do I really really really like this story, but I forgot to say that my previous review was from:
The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves
Author's Response: Thanks Abigail! :D