Penname: kehribar [Contact]
Real name:
Member Since: 06/26/06
Website:
Beta-reader: No
Status: Member
Bio:


Hello, dear visitor,



I figured, after almost five years of frequenting Mugglenet Fanfiction, it's time I write out an author profile for myself.



I'm a twenty-three year old, thoroughly confused graduate student who has written fanfiction, amongst other things, virtually all her life. I've found MNFF in the summer of 2006 and went on to the beta boards to find a beta reader. I've been trapped here and there ever since. :)



I took down five (or six?) stories from the site when I left the realm in 2008. So now it's a fresh start. I hope you enjoy my stories, dear reader, and if you do, be assured that it's unbelievably easy to let me know by typing a review in the box below.



Thank you for dropping by!

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Reviews by kehribar
 

Nott Numb Anymore by BloodRayne
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 2]

Summary: Alexandra Williams can't help but wonder if her best friend, Theodore Nott, has chosen his own path. She resolves to speak to him. However, Death Eaters and dementors interrupt their reunion.



Written by BloodRayne of Gryffindor for the June One-Shot Challenge.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2825 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/23/07 Updated: 06/25/07


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 07/14/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I enjoyed reading this story. You managed to introduce an original character into the canon environment in such a short story, which is not easy to do. A strange sideways glance at the Order... interesting.

Also, the story doesn't seem to be cut off at the end either. This usually happens in one-shots: the plot is a quite dynamic one, but you tied it up masterfully at the end. I like the suspense.

One thing you might want to work on is the emotional situations. The transition between the emotions, and the way one sentence doesn't conform with the other disturbed me; I felt that it disrupts the flow. For example:

Alexandra wiped her tears away. She understood her feelings towards Theodore now. She was not a silly seventeen-year-old girl. She was fully capable of handling Theodore’s words now. She knew what she would do next time she saw him.

She turned to Hermione. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible,” she said happily. “I’m going to find any way I can to get in touch with Theodore.”


The problem is "happily". One would expect Alexandra to be determined, for example, or hopeful; not happy. What I'm trying to say is that you jump to the next emotion without touching the way the emotions change. Another example:

Alexandra felt hope shine in her chest. The odds weren’t against her, after all! Alexandra was right; she knew her friend, and there was no way he could be a Death Eater.

“Listen, Theodore.” Alexandra felt frantic; she knew she had to get her idea to Theodore now.


One moment, hope shines in her chest; the next, she's frantic. The problem is, the way you give these emotions is quite powerful. Both of these feelings are justified, are appropriate to and expected in the situation at hand, but both of them are very strong and there is no transition between them. That's why it seems rather odd. Of course sudden changes of emotion do occur, but the way you tell this is important. I'd suggest either making one of these two emotions weaker, or arranging the second sentence in a way which would justify the sudden transition from being hopeful to being frantic. I hope I'm able to tell my point.

Secondly, please don't think that I'm being rude, but I don't think that the very last part, the resolution, is nice. It's probably just me... but maybe, if you'd have given glimpses of the love that the reader will learn about right to the end, it would work better. Because until the last paragraph, Alexandra's hopes to reach Theodore are based on nothing more than friendship. I think this is why I found Nott's real feelings being introduced at the end, forgive me for saying, quite cliché. I just think that it's be nicer if you'd leave it completely on friendship, or make the reader think throughout the story that something other than friendship may, and probably will, spring up between them.

I hope I haven't been too critical. My points are probably too personal anyway. But I honestly did enjoy this story, and the way you write.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a well-thought out review! Looking back, I realize you are absolutely right on all of your thoughts. I do switch emotions quickly, and Nott\'s love for Alexandra was sudden with no hints. You were not rude at all, you have certainly helped me realize that I need to work on progressing slowly and not jumping from place to place. Thanks so much, Ayse!

 

More Than You Know by solemnlyswear_x
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 10]

Summary: Lily Evans can’t help but have noticed something isn’t quite right. The inseparable Gryffindor boys aren’t speaking to one another, and Remus Lupin seems particularly withdrawn and upset. Figuring she should do something, Lily resolves to speak with Remus, but what should she say?

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2031 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/02/07 Updated: 07/10/07


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 07/14/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

I enjoyed it very much, Melissa! Lovely story :)

Author's Response: Yay, I\'m glad you liked it! Thanks for reviewing. =)

 

An Impure Form of Chalcedony by Colores
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: He may not have been the greatest choice for a defense barrister. He definitely wasn’t the most successful, the richest, or the most illustrious. His dress robes were not always new and primly pressed like those of the other defense barristers of the day. His briefcase was old and tattered; it had been his father’s, and he just had never seen the need to buy a new one. His face was worn, though he wasn’t all that old, and his premature “salt and pepper” hair had a considerable bit more of salt than pepper in it these days. He wasn’t all that attractive, he could do with losing a few pounds, and he hadn’t had a case go to the Wizengamot in months. Even so, he was the Lucius Malfoy’s choice for a defense barrister.



I am Colores of Hufflepuff House and this is my entry for the August oneshot challenge.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 3661 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/31/07 Updated: 09/06/07


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 09/21/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hey Frasca!

This sure is an interesting story, looking at things from a lawyer's point of view. Did Mr. Mendelssohn really believe that Malfoy served the Dark Lord just out of fear for his family? While I think that the way you write is very good and that you keep the reader very much interested until the end, somehow the message didn't seem to come across correctly. Jasper's father's diary made me feel that he was goint to decline the request to serve as Malfoy's defense barrister, rather than giving him the confidence to base his arguments on. I guess that's because Mr. Mendelssohn Sr. emphasised his uneasiness as an individual who earned his life through something that served a cause he did not believe in. It made me expect his son to feel guilty about having to defend a Death Eater... though it makes sense if he believed that Malfoy's actions were out of fear for his family, but then, doesn't he get the idea after reding the diary?... am I making any sense or just confusing you? ;)

Anyway. I like it how you kept Minister Kingsley just and authoriterian, and I like the idea of Jasper using Harry's testimony in Malfoy's defense. Though I wonder how Harry would have felt after he'd learn how Jasper used his testimony. Would he feel awful? Would he want to murder Jasper? I don't know; it would make a story on its own ;)

Good story, and nice indication of thoughts into the writing!

 

Honoring Sacrifice by Gmariam
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 14]

Summary: Harry Potter spent seven years hating Severus Snape. The enigmatic Potions master made life at Hogwarts miserable at times, yet was always acting in accordance with a much higher purpose than Harry could have possibly imagined. This is the story of how Harry came to understand, forgive, and honor the man who died to protect him.

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3524 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
09/02/07 Updated: 09/02/07


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 09/08/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Understanding

Gina,

This is an incredibly touching piece - I almost cried with Ron when he broke down. The way you focused on the loss and pain rather than celebration made me think of the first war, and especially about Remus Lupin and Agusta Longbottom. This is so sad :(

You know I adore your writing. I don't want to finish the review with something like "great work!" because it feels dull when you're the writer in question. So yeah - it's finished. /end ramble.

;)

Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review, Kehribar! I know this response is sure late in coming, but I am still pretty happy with how this story turned out so to read your kind words is so nice. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for reading it and leaving such a great review! ~Gina :)

 

Preludes by Pendraegona
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: Fenrir Greyback's werewolves live in haphazard communities throughout the metropolitan city of Wolverhampton, stealing and surviving on the margins of an oblivious society. Remus Lupin plunges headfirst into a lifestyle more brutal and vicious than he has ever known, hoping to save the world from his own kind--and from himself.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Abuse, Violence

Word count: 7989 Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes
Published:
10/28/07 Updated: 12/07/07


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 11/16/07 Title: Chapter 3: The Night Revealing

Hello,
I just wanted to drop a quick word to say that I really like how this story is going and that your writing's got me hooked. I hope you don't leave this unfinished, and thanks for such a freshing read :)

Author's Response: Thanks! Yes, there\'s one more chapter, and so far it\'s quite different from the others...but I suppose I\'m having trouble making any two chapters consistent style-wise...*guilty laugh*

 

HEAVEN by Tonks in disguise
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 20]

Summary: Tonks has a Question and Remus has the answer... But will he tell her. Bare with me, this is my first fan fic.

Categories: Remus/Tonks Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 916 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
01/25/08 Updated: 01/30/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 01/30/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This is very sweet :)

Author's Response: Thanks, I try my best to stay adorably cute.

 

Of Sisters, Socks, and Sorrow by FenrirG
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 25]

Summary: Albus Dumbledore really did see socks when he looked into the Mirror of Erised. And this is the reason why.

Categories: Historical Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1338 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
03/22/08 Updated: 03/29/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 03/30/08 Title: Chapter 1: Of Sisters, Socks, and Sorrow

Very nice. Dumbledore's characterization is excellent - the way he thought and behaved as a somewhat arrogant but loving brother fits very well with canon Dumbledore. I enjoyed reading this very much, great writing :)

 

Daring by DragonDi
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: What are the employment options of a teenage werewolf just leaving Hogwarts? Remus Lupin's best friends, James Potter and Sirius Black, dare him to reach for the impossible--even if it leads him into danger. (Rating for language in later chapters.)

Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em; never did. JKRowling has that lucky distinction…

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 26985 Chapters: 5 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/28/08 Updated: 08/26/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 07/17/08 Title: Chapter 1: Desideration

Oh, this is a very, very good start. Like others have said, especially characterization is excellent - you not only have a good grasp on the Marauders but you also manage to distinctly bring each character alive. I'm just a little bit concerned about Lily - she seems a bit... ordinary, I guess, more like an OC than a canon character. It's probably because this Lily is not really conforming with the tough girl image most people have in mind - the young woman who's gone through all that she did; fighting the Dark side, with Voldemort, sacrificing herself... If she broke down into tears at seventeen merely at the thought of the risk of losing James, I'm not sure this kind of Lily would be able to take all that the canon Lily did... am I making sense?

Otherwise, I love the narration, the easy flow, and the situation you've chosen to focus on. I'm looking forward to reading the rest, because this story surely is a head above most. :)

Author's Response: You know, you're absolutely right about the Lily thing, and I have no real explanation for why I did it that way, other than, well, this: I caught Lily at a weak moment? I would think there would have to be a moment when Lily, even though she recognizes the danger of the times, and KNOWS that James wouldn't be happy doing anything else, might feel like it's all too much and too REAL. But, yes, Lily is tough and she would bounce back, and yeah, in retrospect, maybe I should've written a better reaction for her. Forgive me? I love your review. It made me think and justify what I did, and told me what you liked. I hope the next chapter doesn't disappoint. (Oops--I think there's another Lily thing in there too... Hmm. Sorry in advance!) Thanks for the compliments! I may not be able to fit my head through the doorway now, though. :)

 

Let the Bubbles Float Away by Trivia Camlee
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: Odd creatures, nature, and people were what she loved. She was made fun of, shunned, and misunderstood by many. She grew and learned with each year she lived.

These are the essential moments in the life of Luna Lovegood.



Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death

Word count: 2658 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/30/08 Updated: 06/30/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 07/01/08 Title: Chapter 1: Of all the colors in a bubble

Perfect.

The emotion is so effectively worked into the narrative. I was a bit put off in the first sentence when I saw the first person point of view, but already in the second sentence I could hear Luna speaking. You "wove" her emotions and thoughts into the events and moments that influenced her so masterfully. It grips the reader firmly and doesn't let go until the end. I also really loved how you left everything balanced, like the emotion in the last two paragraphs. One sentence more or less could have destroyed the effect.

I especially loved the paragraph in which you describe how Luna takes notice of her grandmother's breathing. I used to do that all the time when I was little - it made me feel very much connected to the story, and I'm sure most people will feel the same way when they read it.

I glance at the cauldron again...
I think this should be "glanced".

A wonderfully written peace, it was such a delight to read :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am really glad to hear such wonderful feedback. \r\n\r\nThe part with Luna and her Grandmother was based off of, as you picked up on, a real life experience. In the mist of the war that was going on, I felt like Luna would have some \'safe space\', some small yet meaningful thing that she would notice. I\'m glad that it connected you to the story more, and I do hope that it has that effect on others who read it.\r\n\r\nAlso, thank you for picking up on that error. You\'re right, I left off the \'d\'. I\'ve gone back and fixed it.\r\n\r\nThank you again for all of your comments and thoughts, and I am pleased that you enjoyed the story:)

 

Pieces of the Puzzle by Mistletoe
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 4]

Summary: I had always looked at my life like a puzzle. I had specific pieces that fit together in specific ways, but there were always those few pieces that got lost or didn't fit so perfectly. My puzzle was a hard one, filled of pieces that looked virtually the same, but never wanted to fit the correct way. My puzzle was almost finished, but there was one piece that was gone forever.

Told from Lily Evans' POV.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2829 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/05/08 Updated: 08/23/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 08/23/08 Title: Chapter 1: Pieces of the Puzzle

What a lovely piece of character study... I think you have done a splendid job with tone. Unlike most, you managed to make Lily sound like a teenager - not like an adult who has seen the many ups and downs of life. Great job.

I also think that you marveled at Severus's characterization, your ability to keep the characters age-compliant showing off. He acts exactly how I'd expect him to behave, and I especially like how you captured him at the point where he had slipped towards the Dark Side and when the effects of this must have been felt both by himself and by those around him (Lily). The interaction between the two clearly demonstrates how firm a grasp you have on both characters.


I have a few nit-picks:

"I had made my choice and far beyond happy, but the nagging hole in the back of my mind never let up."

I think there's a little grammatical error; it should be "I had made my choice and I was far beyond happy..."

"Once again ripped from her drifting mind by his voice, her eyes snapped to Severus."

That's a rather unnatural shift of PoV, which I can only assume to be a tiny mistake. Have you been experimenting with third person before switching to first? ;)


I also wonder why the library is outside the caste. I'm not sure that's how it is in the books, and frankly, I don't think it makes much sense. Maybe you have done it so that Lily could ponder on the snow and the cold, but I think it sticks out.


This is a lovely, light piece of reading that I immensely enjoyed, if only because it's not full of angsty, overwhelming metaphors and because it features something quite canon, unlike many pieces of writing that portray either Lily or Severus as entirely too dramatic and not-quite-canon-fitting characters.

Lovely job!

Author's Response: THANK you so much! I have never actually written Lily or Sev as teenagers, so it's always good to hear that I have succeeded! I made the changes you pointed out, and I know the library thing is weird. Yes, probably not canon, but it's the way the library existed in my mind, so that's how I wrote it. I don't know, ever since CoS when the Basilisk attacked someone outside the library, that's how I imagined it. >.< And it adds to the effect, so it's a plus!

Author's Response: THANK you so much! I have never actually written Lily or Sev as teenagers, so it's always good to hear that I have succeeded! I made the changes you pointed out, and I know the library thing is weird. Yes, probably not canon, but it's the way the library existed in my mind, so that's how I wrote it. I don't know, ever since CoS when the Basilisk attacked someone outside the library, that's how I imagined it. >.< And it adds to the effect, so it's a plus!

 
Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 08/23/08 Title: Chapter 1: Pieces of the Puzzle

And once again I'm the victim of tags. My apologies.

Author's Response: Heh. >.<

 

Something Worth Fighting For by messrs_inc
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 20]

Summary: Eight year old Lily Potter, the spitting image of her mother, is brought up to know that family is important. She has been present at family reunions for as long as she can remember, and she absolutely loves her big family. One day she comes across a picture of a man she has never met before in a family photo album. Perplexed, she asks her father who the man is…

Categories: Post-Hogwarts Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2884 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/07/08 Updated: 08/19/08


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 08/19/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hello,

I was intimidated by the idea of one of the Potter children discovering about people from their parents' past, but admittedly I had not expected it to be Fred. It is interesting, actually.

While I think that you have a rather lovely story in hand, I feel that dialogue and description could be handled better. At the beginning, while the amount of description is fine, it does get a bit too wordy. Throughout the entire story, I felt that there is too much information cluttered in there that it weighs down on the reader. That is why I would suggest distributing dialogue and description one into another. That would make the narration flow better and easier to read.

I have to admit, though, I found it rather strange that Harry and Ginny never told their children about their Uncle Fred, let alone the Battle of Hogwarts. I would assume that the many family gatherings at the Burrow added to Lily's love of these gatherings would inevitably ensure that the Potter children did know their Uncle Fred. I also believe that the Potter and the Weasley children would grow up at least having a general idea about the war that had surrounded their parents. Bill's scarred face, George's missing ear, Teddy's orphanhood would provoke questions, and I don't think that the Potters or the Weasleys would overlook the children's righteous curiosity. Therefore I couldn't really make myself believe that Harry and Ginny put off telling their kids the story for so long.

As for the dialogue itself, again I found it too wordy, too confusing. Personally I paid extra attention to make sense of what Harry's talking about, so I doubt that an eight-year-old, no matter how smart, would grasp it so quickly. The tone of Harry's speech is too heavy. When children are a party in a dialogue, I suggest the use of simpler words and simpler sentence structures. Especially when trying to explain such a serious matter, I'd expect a father to be much more careful in his word choice.

The paragraph beginning with “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know.... is, I think, way too confusing to read, let alone for an eight-year-old to listen to. Firstly, as I've said before, this is too wordy, and it sounds like Harry's babbling. Plus, I think the children's names pretty much speak for themselves; from which fame was Harry hoping to protect them? One thing I found strange is that the entire matter seems single out Lily. Were the other Potter (and Weasley) children confined the story?


Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake.

"Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.


I highly doubt that this is a behavior one would expect from the Harry Potter we know. In the books, even when the death of his own parents is the issue, we see him doing his best to strong. When he witnessed the murder of his parents thanks to the Dementors, he was shaken but did not cry -and he was only thirteen. He watched Cedric being murdered, and he did not cry. He did cry at Sirius's death, and it would be way too awkward if he did not, and he once again showed his strength over Dumbledore's death. Keeping all of this in mind, I do not think that the same Harry Potter would be so shaken and show such reaction when her daughter brings up the issue of Fred's death years later. If it were Ginny, that would be different, of course.


Looking back, I am rather embarrassed to see that I have been entirely too critical. However, that is only because I, as a reader, think that you have a rather huge potential as a writer and that you seem to be eager to improve your writing. Criticism is given not for discouragement, but for encouragement. Hopefully I haven't been to annoying and was actually helpful.

Author's Response: Hey! First of all, I welcome any and all reviews, including critical ones. There is no need to feel embarrassed about leaving a critical review- a detailed one like yours shows me that you really cared enough to take the time and give me tips, and I'm happy to hear how readers think I can improve in the future, so thank you thank you thank you!!! You basically touched on all the weak points anybody might have mentioned to me about this chapter (from moderators to Beta readers to friends who gave me their opinions) and I attempted to fix most of them in ways which I guess I didn't do well enough, since you noticed them. ;) I don't know if this is a good thing, as it means that I was aware of pretty much all of the problems that you as a reader might have come up with, or a bad thing as I didn't do a good enough job fixing them. I hope to fix these problems in future projects I have in mind to write, and again I welcome your criticism- it helps me know what I have to focus on! I agree that the dialogue can seem like too much of a lecture or a speech on Harry's part (which is what I think you were getting at here). I also understand how it would be better to sprinkle dialogue and description in together so that it achieves a better flow, and I will try and improve in that area in the future. I think that part of the reason for this problem was that he had so much to tell Lily, and she had very little to respond with. What you said about the dialogue being too confusing also made sense, though I didn't think it was such a big problem while I was editing it, and nobody else really pointed it out to me either. The wording for this kind of thing was extremely difficult from the beginning, but I should have perhaps made it more suitable to something that would be told to an eight-year-old. Looking back now, I see that you do have a point, and in the future I will pay extra attention to which characters are participating in the discussion. The fact that Harry and Ginny didn't tell their children about the war was perhaps the biggest problem I had from the beginning, which was crucial to the central plot (otherwise there wouldn't have been a story) but which I kept having to play with, finding a plausible reason for them not to have told their children everything. I finally came up with what I incorporated into the story: as parents, Harry and Ginny didn't want to cause their children pain. The paragraph beginning “I know I should have told you the truth, there is so much about your history that you don’t know, and you have the right to know...” was intended to be more of a babble that we understood than what Lily understood. Harry was thinking aloud here, and Lily understood and gave him space to organize himself knowing that she would receive answers shortly. As explained in this paragraph, Harry and Ginny didn't hide anything- they just never mentioned anything either, hoping that perhaps their kids wouldn't ask difficult questions until they could figure out how exactly to tell them, or maybe in the hopes that they would just find out on their own. That they managed to put off Lily asking direct questions for eight years was probably luck mixed in with edited versions of the real story (e.g. when asked about George’s ear or Bill’s scars- “They were in an accident before you were born.”) With regard to your mention of the fame- that would have really been more of a side-issue Harry is using as an excuse for himself, but he would have been more worried that if Lily would have fully comprehended the enormity of what her parents did, she might become more stuck up about it at a younger age, and that is what he tells himself he’s shielding her from. He always knew he had to tell her eventually- he just put it off for too long. “Lily was unsure if he was about to start crying, or yell at her. He did neither, though when he spoke his voice did shake. "Wh-where did you find this?" he asked.” You’re right; Harry is not the crying type. I thought he was more scared and shocked with the enormity of the fact that he has to finally tell Lily the truth, and he’s embarrassed of the fact that she actually had to COME to him and ASK him about the war. Lily, who never sees her father lose control like this, got frightened and isn’t sure what he’s about to do. Clearly, it didn’t come through this way; I will have to be extra careful on how I word things from now on. Again, thank you for such a detailed review! I think I touched on everything you mentioned above, but if something is still not clear, or if I missed something, feel free to ask me! It was my intention to answer you satisfactorily. If I didn't, please please let me know, as I really want to! I am currently in the middle of another One-Shot which is giving me some trouble. If and when I finally manage to finish it, I welcome you to come read it and criticize me some more :)

 

Scarred by OliveOil_Med
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart is used to stealing people's life achievements. But one particular insant is one that truly haunts him, and he doesn't even have a face to associate it with.

I am OliveOil_Med, and this is my entry for the Ravenclaw Almost-Gauntlet.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: Character Death, Mental Disorders, Violence

Word count: 1186 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/01/09 Updated: 06/09/09


Reviewer: kehribar Signed
Date: 11/07/10 Title: Chapter 1: Scarred

Wow. Molly, I was gripped right from the first sentence. When I came to the world Peru I was a bit put off, but the incident is so well described, subtly and masterfully included the broader context. The point-of-view is consistent and steady, and it keeps everything together. The story flew smoothly through the end.

There are some typos throughout the text which somewhat distract the flow, which are;

"Yes, the girl had encountered a particularly.."

"He had never seen feet he would describe as beautiful..."

"Whether the girl believed Gilderoy to be a reporter..."

"When he led her back to the village..."

"Actually, the man had never known anyone..."


It's like some of the letters have gone missing.


I very much enjoyed this story; it's concise, focused and definitely interesting as a case study about a side-character.

Great job!

(I hope I don't mess up the formatting; I got very rusty at leaving reviews..)

Author's Response: Well, I'll have to fix the typos right away! I luvs your reviews!

 
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