Ack! Sorry, it took me so long, i've been busy, but here I am.
Alright... you have a good start, except that this is how almost every 6th year fic begins. The title is a little misleading (WWII implies World War 2, in fandom we usually refer to the current war in HP world as VWII). You need a beta (in case you don't know, someone to edit your story and give you feedback before you submit) if you go to the MNFF forum, they have a thread where you can find a beta. I find it unfair to comment to much on a story until the several few chapters are done, because a good author usually lets the plot develop with those chapters. So I'll congratulate you on not throwing the plot in my face in the first sentence. So, I'll look forward to an update, when I'll review more. Pretty good, though.
Author's Response: thanks alot, and yeah I know about the title, it´s a bit misleading... but I do hope that Harry and Katie get back together becauce like the idea...
Well, it's only the first chapter, so obviously I can't comment on any kind of plot - but the title is intriguing.
You're a decent writer, but the characters are kind of - eh. The letter from Ron was just way off - the first bit was almost exactly the same as his GoF letter, and the second bit was completely unbelievable, as was Harry's reaction to the surprising news.
The Dream had a very interesting premise, but I didn't find it believable. It would have been more effective if Sirius had been more in character; it would have been haunting. The style in which you flashed back to the dream wasn't fantastic either.
I don't mean to be a downer, but you probably need to shape up a bit for your next chapters. It was far from boring, and it's clear that it's based on intriguing ideas - but it's the generic sixth year fic, so far. Harry is at the Dursleys, is brooding over Sirius, gets letter from Ron. If you're going to do that, you need to differentiate. And you're characters need to be more believable.
Not that I'm perfect, I just want to give you some kind of feedback you can work off of. If you post another chapter, I'll read & review again.
Author's Response: thanks
Wow - I'm a big fan of R/Hr, and I have a lot of songs that remind me of them, and 'Only One' and 'True' are too of my favorite ones. (I have a few Jesse songs i like for them, too - but Take Your Sweet Time isn't one, though that is a gorgeous song ;) I like this story, it's different. It's a bit fast, but the song-fic touch makes it seem like flashes. It's cool. The only thing I don't like is D/Hr, because I think that's a very OoC pairing, and I usually like to see it backed up in a fic. But I guess that's more of a personal preference. Good job.
Author's Response: thx...ur a really good critic. im gunna add another chapter, and its gunna b the last 4 sure. idk how its gunna end, myself. i just wanna play it by ear and see wut i wanna write that day.
LOVED IT! That is exactly how Hermione would think in that situation (I practically am Hermione, and that's how I would think) it was splendid! I love freckles on guys, too, and I adore Ron. Great ;)
Let me state this: I hate 'pregnancy' HP fan fics, and I merely read this out of curiosity. Now: Oh. My. Goodness! This is fantastic. At the end of chapter two, my mouth just dropped open in horrfied shock. And throughout chapter three i brandished my fist at the computer and had horrible angry thoughts towards Miranda. ARG! And it's not as if this is even just good in a soap opera kind of way, it's actually good! It's well written, and it's believable, and - wow... I wish chapter four was here. (Oh, and my brother's birthday is the same as hannah's, so I thought that was cool)
Very good start; maybe I'm not looking hard enough, but I don't think I've ever seen this take on the final battle before. I really like it, it's so... tense. I like the tone very much. I won't hesitate in telling you should definitely look into getting a beta. You had significant mistakes, and some paragraphs and quotes ran together where they should not have. Some of the wording was awkward in places, but for the most part was nicely descriptive and painted a good picture. I think that the characters were all very in tune with their canon selves. I thought the ending was very good, as long as you plan on updating rather than leaving your readers hanging. I wasn't too found of Lupin's role here, it seemed a little... odd. He was just 'there' with no seeming purpose, and he just 'happened' to have taken care of the werewolf situation. But again, overall, I think it's quite good. Keep working (and head over to the Beta Forums to find a Beta reader to look over your chapters before you submit, there's a link in the 'Help' section"
Author's Response: Thanx so much for the review , Ill get a beta reader, good idea.And thanx for the details of my mistakes i will try and correct them .
These chapters are getting better and better. I really like the style your handling this with. For a moment I thought the story was sure to be over any second, because you were so close to the night of their murders, and this took me by surprise but I really enjoyed it. I like the way you incorporate the flashback in, as though it was naturally occuring in Lily's thoughts. One line I had an issue with: "She screamed in pure agony as her wrist snapped before falling to the floor, her arm rendered useless." It sounds as though her wrist fell to the floor, as though seperate from her. Just a tad confusing.
The action was brilliant. I could see it all clearly in my head, and I felt short of breath as though I was in the scene with Lily and James. It was very suspenseful, and quite frightening. I think we got a really great glimpse of both James and Lily's characters with this chapter, much more than before.
Author's Response: That's a very good point about the wrist. I think I originally had it written as, "before she fell to the floor" but it was decided it flowed smoother this way. I'll certainly be glancing that over. I'm glad to see that you liked this chapter. I'm always paranoid about whether people will like my work. :)
Oh, I'm all teary-eyed! That was sweet. I have a very hard time imagining that mothers in labor would travel to St. Mungo's by Floo Powder. I imagine they would Apparate, or be given a Portkey by the Ministry. I also would have liked to get more of Lily & James characters. I think we saw more of James then Lily, but not enough to make him *James* Of course, it's only a first chapter. Other than that, this was very good. It was funny (James being given the potion to calm his confusion: hehe), and it was adorable. I really enjoy when past-fics use what we know in the story, as a kind of dramatic-irony, foreshadowing or just creat a sense of familiarity. I really enjoyed how you did that with this chapter, it is by far my favorite thing about past-fics, and you did it extremely well. It's there and it adds to the story whether you recognize it or not. Lily's disposition as a concerned mother is both tragic and beautiful. Love it.
Author's Response: You know... If I had thought of the Portkey angle, I would've gone with that instead. I knew I didn't want Apparation, because I felt that the life inside of Lily counts when being Apparated, so I felt that it probably was too risky. As it is, I didn't think of Portkeys, so Floo Powder was left. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter!
The beginning of this chapter was adorable. I really love how you portrayed toddler Harry, especially with his *temper*, it was perfect.
My criticism is mostly made up of parts I wasn't entirely comfortable with, which might just be from personal preference, but I'll point it out anyway. I'm a little taken aback with the metal spurs - I thought they were kind of odd. They seem very *Muggle*. They're something that I would need some kind of explanation later to back up so I would feel more comfortable with the idea. I also though "Kill you all" was a strange word choice; and I have a hard time believing Petrificus Totalus would work on You-Know-Who for a single moment. I don't know, I always imagine him being immune to such simple spells. Perhaps he's just usually too quick.
But aside from all that, I liked this. My heart truly aches for the Potters, and especially Lily's worries. The fact that the only comforting thought James really has is that Sirius will be there for Harry if anything happens. You have enveloped your characters in dramatic irony, and it is pulled off brilliantly. Again, as with the last chapter, it is ver beautiful.
Author's Response: I admit that I wasn't very creative about the spell. I've since seen Petrificus Totalus in numerous other fics. He did initially block the spell, but it was only when James tackled him that they were able to stymy him with it. I'm glad you liked the tale!
You make wonderful use of dramatic irony - I can feel the knots in my stomach getting tighter and tighter as the sense of dread looms over all the characters, and pulls me along for the ride. The entire chapter has a very tragic feel - just seeing the Potters happy, and knowing they are so close to the end. "It’s going to be great today, thought Lily." - This line put a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I think it's a (tragically) brilliant opening line for this chapter. "Lily pretended she was snoring. “Mumma? ‘Ake! ‘Ake!”" - This one tore me up a bit; mainly because I can imagine Harry repeating this "game" after Lily is left dead (a la Simba in Lion King). I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it was powerful all the same. "He could be as loud as he wanted for the neighbours couldn’t hear him and Harry would often scream with delight as James gave chase." Again, this feels like more ironic foreshadowing. :"Her mood had turned melancholy that day as she fretted over whether they were doing enough to protect Harry." Another line that tears me between wanting to sob and wanting to jump into your fictional world and scream warnings to Lily before it's too late. "Now though, Lily was determined to have a good time on Halloween. It was the first year Harry would really have an understanding of how much fun Halloween could be. Wonder what James will do?" Again, made so tragic with the reader's prior knowledge as to how this night will end. I think I've proven my point; you are the master of dramatic irony, but it's subtle, you don't force it. You just tug at the readers' emotions slightly, bit by bit, paragraph after paragraph, as you bring us closer to the untimely passing of the Potters.
Peter: First of all, I hate the *insert foul word*. As far as his use of the word "Blimey", I thought that was a bit OoC. I just don't see him as a "Blimey" kind of fella - it's not a word used by everyone. For instance I could never hear Harry or Hermione using it, either. I just don't feel it fits Peter.Other than that, I felt he was portrayed well.
I felt that Sirius's sneezing flower mirrored Voldemort's little razors from earlier in the story.The entire feeling of "what the heck?" caught hold of me again. I tensed up a little - thinking it couldn't possibly be a Death Eater ploy, but I admit I was worried. But afterwards I was rather amused, hehe. "It’s a flower! What business does it have being allergic to me?" *snicker*. I'm glad you brought some humor into the chapter; comic relief is always welcome. And you carried on a bit, rehashing some Sirius prank memories. Kudos. Of course, this also brought up " That’s what I get for marrying a prankster" - which I also enjoyed, but in a painful way. It kind of reflected on the realism of the marriage. Their last day wasn't 'fluffy' and wonderful, it had a bit of sarcastic banter and spouse-induced annoyance. It also showed some more Lily & James characterisation, both apart and as a couple.
Red eyes - I noticed that was brought up at least twice before You-Know-Who's entry. Was that purposeful? I know I was reminded of *him* (growl) both times. Keeping the readers alert a bit? If so - nice. If not - well, it's there ;).
I liked the added security measures, though I felt it was all rather 'thrown in' to the story. "Oh... by the way." I think you explained it all rather well, but I might have (personally) preferred a more subtle incorporation of the information into the story text. I didn't like being taking out of the narration to be 'caught up to speed' with what had happened. I've seen you work information into the story through Lily's PoV, and I think you should have continued with that trend here. It's merely because I felt very aware that I was being given the information, rather than just experiencing the story (as I normally do with your writing).
"When Remus realised that James also liked Lily, he became flustered and absent-minded. He would stammer whenever James was around, which caught Lily by surprise, because she knew him to be very eloquent. His thoughtful looks toward her then had a quality of sadness, especially when it became obvious that Lily returned at least some of James’s feelings." I have never felt such sadness from the idea of Remus's character - I think it was conveyed beautifully through Lily's thoughts (particularly with the selected lines), and it made the entire situation even more tragic (if that's even possible). All their lives were taken from them on this night, whether literally or figuratively.I also particular liked James explanation of why Remus would betray them (he was jealous of him) - I thought it was very IC, as we all know James has a subconcsious arrogance about him. He naturally made it about himself, which was his tragic mistake. His arrogance was his tragic flaw :(...
I was wondering if they'd figure out that Peter betrayed them before the end, and I'm happy the did. At least they died at peace with Remus, knowing who the true traitor was. I was particularly surprised when James was the one to recognise what had happened: that Remus was framed. I felt that he was slightly redeemed in that, and I was very glad he put the final piece together rather than Lily. It was unexpected but fitting.
"Through the glass door, two glowing embers peered at them, seething red with malice and hatred. They cast a crimson haze that silhouetted the frame of a tall figure in long flowing cloaks." - This line shocked and terrifed me to my very soul. A pivotal sentence pulled off without flaw. Inserted in amazingly, almost unexpectedly. I can feel the horror that Lily & James must have felt. From here on out, I loved the writing style. Suspenseful, with canon lines from Harry's dementor-induced memories worked in very well.
To finish up: the very last paragraph was heartbreaking, but moving. I was able to feel the ancient magic of the power of love at work. You've done a great job here, hon. Can't wait for your next masterpiece.
Author's Response: *blinks*
Wow Jenna. Thanks so much for your review! A lot of time was put into that! This was my most deliberate chapter. I put a lot of thought into what I was writing and how it would come across. I'm really glad that you liked the "Through the glass door..." I spent a lot of time on that paragraph alone, trying to make it as good as possible.I hope to see further input from you in future works. :)
There is one thing that I must commend you on above all else, and that is the particular premise of this story. If you're going to attempt to write something that the reader's already know the end too, you have to do it very entertainingly and very creativiely. You have to excel in characterization and dialogue, and make the emotions as real as possible, because that's what the audience will be looking for. You, my dear kaltaru, have done this. You have taken what we know, and worked wonders with it. The dramatic irony of this chapter is resounding, and I am torn apart as I watch Lily, James, and Sirius make this fatally bad decision, though it all seems so logical. You have pulled it off so believably (I know I was nitpicky over Sirius, but I think you pulled his character off very well). You are on a great track with the story. Something else that is wonderful is Lily's relationship with Harry. I'd say (correct me if I'm wrong) that the theme of this story is Lily's love for Harry, and you consistently and subtly carry that theme through the entire thing, rather than directly pointing it out to your readers. Splendid. I have nothing horrid to say, else I would have said it the first time. But I want to keep you on your toes about Sirius being IC, or you'll have me to report to. Hehe, keep up the good work, hon.
Author's Response: Thank you Jenna! I'm really glad to hear that this is going well. I really had a hard time with this chapter, as you well know and so I'm glad that I was able to get across what I wanted to convey. And you're absolutely correct about the theme being Lily's love for Harry. I've often felt that without that love, where would all of us be? We would have no Harry Potter!
::wipes tear, let's out breath:: Okay, I have no constructive criticism for this one, sorry. Very emotional, of course. Scenes with baby Harry are as adorable as ever. "Sometimes, sacrifices have to be made, Lily" - that line just echoed in my mind as I read it. It speaks in so many volumes. I feel it's a line that represents this story as a whole, and to have such a line spoken in your story is magnificent.
Author's Response: *Giggles.* I think I'll be okay with having constructive criticism because I know how capable you are of giving it. Thanks so much reading and reviewing all of my chapters. :)
Excellent. I loved the end, it was sweet - but the rest was absolutely hilarious. I could see the incorporation of the first one into this one, and it made it all the more enjoyable. Could this possibly be made into a trilogy?
I'll start with the crit: according to Jo, when a Muggleborn recieves a letter, a representative brings it and answers any questions that the child or parents have. Otherwise I'm sure the letters would be, by far, regarded as junk mail. Why did Sarah's parents believe it? WHy were they so quick to condemn her over a piece of paper? And why was Sarah herself so skeptical if there was never any proof? And then so easily convinced over a paper with O.W.L. scores? I think she should accept what Harry's telling her, as though its her only real choice, but still remain rather dubious. As for Harry & Sarah's interaction, I really liked it. It has the makings of a big brother/little sister friendship. It's subtle and not too strong, just clearly defined enough to signal the reader and still be believable. I really loved the last part about Sirius. You have cleft my heart in twain with that line, my beloved Mask. It wrought about a feeling that, like the fleeting memory of a lost loved one, is impossible to describe. It was beautiful, sorrowful, and just perfect. A brilliant way to end the chapter. Other than the situation with the Greys and the letter, this was a great chapter, hon - keep up the great work.
I always approach sixth year fic with trepidation, because 80% of them begin with the same chapter, but I am pleased to say that this is in the minority. I liked the way you began this, it is a very JK Rowling way to begin the first chapter, and was done so cleverly and entertainingly. I really enjoyed the descriptions of the Dursleys: *perfect*. My favorite thing about this was Mrs. Figg; I think every fic writer has completely forgotten about Ole 'Figgy - and her presence here makes your story unique, which is very important for the opening chapter of a 6th year story. I like the interaction between Harry and Figgy, it all seems very in character, and is very enjoyable to read. I also like the way you handled the OWL's (the curve was interesting). You gave Harry a good few OWL's, but didn't make him look like a genius (too many people do). I've never read your writing before, and I must tell you I'm impressed (but not surprised). The only critisicm I have is that I don't think you dealt with Sirius enough. Some might say the *brooding over Sirius!Harry* is a tad cliche, but I think it's necessary. This is a very good chapter, and I'm glad I only have 2 chapters to catch up with because I'm looking forward to reading more.
Wow, I really loved this chapter. Maybe I'm just too tired to crit, or maybe this chapter is perfect in itself; I personally believe it's the latter. It was rather short, but I personally prefer short chapters - there easier on my attention span. The important thing is that it fulfilled it's purpose. Harry's actions are very IC, and are what I would expect of him, but it reveals more of a new side of him that we haven't really seen yet. Exemplary character development and portrayal. Hermione's letter was also very IC, and thoroughly entertaining (I have hilarious images of Tonks). I love the inclusion of mentions of Luna and Neville (Hermione's mention of Luna, in particular, was flawless). I have not criticism, sorry. Can't be of help today. I'm very glad I have another chaptered fiction to look forward to reading.
I have to tell you, in all seriousness, I was going to write this story, but never got the chance, so I feel robbed. ;) But you've done a great job. I like the way it was entirely narrative. The first paragaph does an excellent job of grabbing the readers, I actually felt compelled to move my face in towards the computer monitor and read with bated breath. The description of Lily was exquisite. Somewhere along the middle, you lost me slightly because I felt that it moved to close to merely 'recounting' the events that happened, that we already know happened. It was still written well, I just kind of skimmed a bit, because I felt like it was just summarizing. When you brought the focus back towards Sirius in Azkaban, I felt like I was in your story again, though, and it had a similar effect as the beginning of the chapter. There were some minor mistakes: I noticed two spelling errors, and one line was devoid of punctuation.... there was also "make insure that" ... which didn't makes sense to me. I'm assuming you got caught between 'insured' and 'made sure' - I assume this because I'm quite sure I do the same thing all the time. Just a reminder to be careful, I guess. I like that you managed to write so much in the almost complete absence of dialouge; it was done extremely well. The tone is very strong, also, and remains consistent through the chapter. It got a sad, regretful past vibe from the entire thing, even when it was describing some of the happier times, or desperate times, I felt where it was going. Overall, I really liked it and I'm very interested in reading more. 9/10
What to say other than ‘wow’…?
I don’t even like Draco, he is ‘ a conceited, arrogant, snotty spoiled little brat’, and I have pretty much despised any Draco PoV I have ever attempted to read, but this was so powerfully written that I was enraptured by every moment. Many people would have taken this plot and twisted it to create a great amount of sympathy for the misunderstood little Slytherin – but you kept Malfoy as the canon character he was, just as we see him, yet gave the reader many reasons to understand his ways and reasoning. Am I surprised that he gave in at the end? No. In fact, I might have chastised you if Draco had actually died in defiance instead of giving in to save himself from the pain. After all, Voldemort will soon be nothing, and then Draco will be free. Ah, the reasoning of a Slytherin. Serve yourself and no other and you should be fine, I’m guessing.
I loved your justification for his refusal to become a Death Eater, and his thoughts concerning ‘that little git Potter’. As for what he had to say about Crabbe and Goyle – that was wonderful. A nice light side for readers to enjoy in this otherwise deep, dark story.
You’re interpretation of the Malfoys and their pride in the family was perfect, too. So many wonderful aspects that I could praise you for endlessly. But I’ll try not to, because then we’ll be here forever ;) The view of the Malfoy estate enthralled me, too. And as for the scene of Malfoy’s torture/initiation, I found that both realistic and painful, but done tastefully and not sickeningly sadistic as I’ve read before. Powerful imagery put to good use, fully serving it’s purpose.
The only thing I didn’t like, and my reasoning is a bit silly, was the scene from Draco’s memory in which he and his father look across the ground and Lucius tells him, basically, what is his and his duty as a Malfoy. I think because it is so incredibly reminiscent of ‘The Lion King’ and ‘everything the light touches’ that it made me chuckle. I don’t really see Lucius and Draco as quite the Mufasa and Simba, and it threw me off from the intensity of the rest of the story.
If you don’t know this by now, I’ll have to inform you: I love Lucius Malfoy. Yes, I hate him, I think he is evil and despicable, and I wouldn’t put his actions in this story past him. But I still love him, and I was subsequently thoroughly caught up in ever moment of his role in this story. From the moment the ‘masked man’ approached him in the room of DE, I just knew it was Lucius – yet when you confirmed this with these lines: “I recognized the voice immediately. My father, my own father had just pronounced the words of one of the Unforgivable Curses at his own son”, it hit me in the same sickening wave that Draco must have felt. It was incredible. I’ve never really seen Lucius as a ‘proud father’. I see him as proud in necessity, as a way of ‘keeping up appearances’, but from the interaction we see between him and Draco in Borgin & Burkes, particularly his sting about Hermione beating him in all his classes, I’ve always thought he was more of the condescending type, always making Draco feel like he wasn’t good enough, and should keep trying to be. Difference of opinion maybe, but I do think you handled your ‘proud’ Lucius very well, and very consistently – that is until the great disappointment of Draco’s refusal to be a Death Eater. Lucius’s reaction there was exactly as I would imagine it, and I loved the way you echoed his words through the chapter.
Which brings me to the contrast between Draco’s perception of ‘nothing’ from that of his father’s. Lucius says he is nothing when he refuses his ‘calling’, but Draco feels that he is nothing only after he as conceded to be a Death Eater. It’s very interesting. It highlights that one difference between father and son – one is willing to follow Voldemort, the other would rather seek the power himself. I could go into analysis of Lucius’ view that he already has power, and that his activities as a Death Eater are merely extra-curricular, but I think I’ll just leave this here and tell you that the layers of this piece of work are infinite, and I’ll probably find myself thinking about it quite often.
Well, if I haven’t written: *madly applauds you*, then I’ll go ahead and add that here in my conclusion. This is the first piece of yours that I’ve ever read, and it was quite the experience! Now I *have* to read Shadows!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for your review! It gave quite some points to consider.
First of all the character of Draco. I like him teh way he has been described in canon and I prefer to keep him that way. He will never be redeemed, I even see him as doomed. He is after all a Malfoy and with that comes a sheer amount of arrogance and pride which will be sure to lead him to his doom. Which brings me to the fact of his refusal to join the DE. To me it was the only thing that fitted him, that graced him.
As for the scene on the tower. You are not the first one to comment on the fact that it resembles The Lion King. This is something I find very peculiar, because the truth is that I have never seen The Lion King since I dislike most things Disney with a passion. So I have no idea what scene you are referring to. But I must admit that that part of this fic has troubled me too from the beginning. It is just a bit off from the rest. Something I defenitely have to take a look at someday.
All in all I am very glad you liked my story and I am very glad that I could make you appreciate Draco and see him in a different light. Thanks again!
BRAVO! That's my girl - that was bloody fantastic! Enrapturing, well written. You had a few spelling mistakes, but who cares! Einstein knew not how to tie his shoes... So descriptive, and so painful, but almost freeing in a strange way. I caught bits of you in the story (Alianna... hehe). Loved it. But don't get side-tracked with fanfic, I'm waiting for my signed copy of your first published work.
In fact, the horrendous things in this collection are too numerous to name. I wouldn't think of mentioning such things as an evil wizard, birthday presents, ghosts, an owl, or a spider-filled closet.
With all due respect,
P.S. This chapters in this collection may be read in any order you please. Although, it would probably please you more if you did not read them at all.
I must stand and applaud you for this. It was truly enjoyable, the hardest I've laughed while reading fan-fiction. I am a new Lemony Snicket fan, and I think you have his style of both writing and humor down pat. It was truly enjoyable, and I hope you go a very long way with it, because I am looking very much forward to reading this the whole way through - a phrase which here means "if I knew where you lived, I would be outside tapping your bedroom window at this very moment to make sure you were planning on updating quite soon". On a negative note, you had a lot of mistakes. Mispellings, missed words, added words, etc; I could read it fine, at least, but it did distract from the reading. ::sigh:: I would have been ready to give you a perfect 10 otherwise; but I'll hand you a nine. Keep up the great work, and keep an eye out for your errors.
Author's Response: You should have seen it before. ;) I had someone else read through it and correct a lot of spelling and grammer errors, so it was worse. I guess that's what I get for typing this up at 1:00 in the morning...;)