First, let me say that I was very impressed with your first story. I particularly liked your portrayal of Ginny, you kept her in character well. I also thought the ending was very sweet. I only have one suggestion. While you write with beautiful description and imagery, I think you have a tendency toward run-on sentences. There were a few times when I felt like I had to stop and re-read a passage to be sure of your meaning. Now this could just be your style and I’m certainly not one to criticize (I haven’t even managed to write something I think is worthy of submitting), but I think that breaking up some of the longer sentences may help the flow a little.
For example, you wrote:
“Because of Voldemort, her first and only love, Harry, was staying away from her, trying to protect her from the evil of his past, present, and at least for the moment, his future.”
I really liked the sentiment expressed in the line but I thought something like this might flow better:
"Because of Voldemort, Harry, Ginny’s first and only love, was staying away from her. He was trying to protect her from the evil of his past, his present, and, at least for the moment, his future."
Or, what about using a semicolon between the two parts of the sentence, that way there is more of a break but you don’t have to separate it completely.
Anyway…It was just a thought. Overall, it was a great story and I look forward to reading more of your work.
p.s. Happy January from your secret badger :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! It is much appreciated and I will definitely try to use your suggestions in my future writing!! Thanks again!
Wow! This story was nothing short of fantastic. I especially love the way you portrayed Remus. You found the perfect mix of courage, maturity and self loathing that have always made him one of my favorite characters. I'm adding you to my favorites right now, and I can't wait to read your next story.
Author's Response: He\'s one of my favourite characters too, and I\'ve always thought of him as being more mature than the other Maruders, and acting older than he is. I\'m glad you liked it, thanks!
My affinity to the journal compels me to keep it at hand. I, too, am rather shabby, and yet there are pages of my life still unwritten.... Remus reflects on his life and love for Tonks in a companion fic to Moonlight and Shadow that parallels chapter nine onward.
I just loved these two entries! Pink is nice, but red is so much better :) And, I think Remus is perfectly right to be suspicious of Scrimgeour’s motives. While I don’t know if he’s necessarily attracted to Lola, I do think Remus needs to keep an eye on the situation. ”Strangely, the wolf within me reassures best. It goes deeper than my ego, which reminds me how we love each other, and how good we are together. The certainty is instinctive and primal. She is more than my lover. Nymphadora is my mate.” This is one of my favorite passages so far! So, is the full moon next?
Author's Response: The next entries will indeed be centred around the full moon. I\'m thrilled you like that passage! Thank you! :)
I guess we really can blame all our problems on our parents :) Seriously, Remus’s mother definitely didn’t help him with the acceptance of his lycanthropy at all. I hope Remus can overcome his own self-doubt, -pity, -loathing, and see the person he really is, but then again, angst probably makes a more interesting story. Great chapter as always!
Author's Response: Thank you! I think Remus\' mum considered him being a werewolf like other mothers think of their child having a disease, saying \'you are not the disease, you are a human being and you will rise above it!\' He\'ll definitely be a work in progress about that acceptance during this story and the next!
The journal is a fantastic idea! I love Moonlight and Shadow and Remus is my favorite character, so this was a happy little surpise for me. I just wish you had started this sooner. I would have loved for you to explore more of Remus' thoughts when he and Nymphadora first got together...but I guess I shouldn't be greedy :)
Author's Response: Me too on starting sooner, but the idea only came to me when I finished a Sirius MWPP story and didn\'t want to get into another involved chapter fic (New Year\'s Resolution, write original as well as fan fiction. :) but wanted to write in a pov contrasting to Tonks. Thank you bunches for the compliments!
Arrgh! The story just keeps getting better and better, but the reviewer in me is suffering from writer’s block :( Anyway…I really liked the scene where the wolf shows the cave to his mate, It would be warm and dry in the winter…and large enough to hold a growing pack. How cute was that?!? I really feel like there’s more I should say but I think the cold has frozen my brain….hopefully the review bunnies come back for next week :)
Author's Response: Hey, you did just what you\'re supposed to do when faced with writer\'s block....write anyway! What you wrote made me smile, so thank you for using your frozen brain cells! :D
Poor Remus, he sounds like he needs a hug :) But seriously, I loved how you describe Remus’s thoughts as he walked through the graveyard, it was brilliant! This was another wonderful story, I look forward to reading more of you’re work.
Author's Response: Thanks! I feel really sorry for Remus sometimes, he has a really bad time in the books, and an even worse one in my fics I think! Bless him... Anyway, I\'m glad you liked the fic!
A new story! *squee* I love how all your stories connect. It's like a little bonus for those of us who are obsessive and read them all ;) So, I just have to ask-- was Severus dissapointed that his Christmas gift ended up in Gryffindor?