Very nice. I like how you lent a fairy tale atmosphere to this by having Harry describe Hermione and Luna as the "two prettiest girls in the Kingdom." You further reinforced the image with the crowns each girl made.
I like the contrast in the girls. You emphasised this in the description of their laughter. Luna appealed to Harry's emotions while Hermione appealed to his logic. I especially liked what Luna said about Harry needing to stop being the Boy-Who-Lived and start being the Boy-Who-Lives. What an apt observation.
I caught one spelling mistake in the beginning: adventerous should be adventurous.
Would it be cheating if I went ahead and read this already? I couldn't wait till you sent me the file to beta. Lovely pun in the chapter title. As you know, RR has me guessing, and I think I'm mostly wrong about him too!
Beneath that evil beats the heart of an actor, he should be on the stage. What did I tell you about dramatic being Voldie's style??? Remus has it right.
Maeve not wanting to go back and face the music is ironic given the way she lit into Hermione earlier.
After all my conspiracy theories, I'll admit to being somewhat disappointed that everyone got back to Hogwarts safely. Of course, I do know you've got something up your sleeve anyway! Such as RR getting to Hogwarts before anyone else did, and without a broom! Amazing!
Passing thought: if the potion that Hermione made for Remus can stop AK, could it possibly waken the sleepers? Except that I've read further now and I see that the AK wasn't exactly stopped completely. Tricky, that. Does this mean that Remus has been cured of his lycanthropy? LOL, I see you've covered that aspect too...
aware that a spell was being cast but not one that had ever been written in any textbook *shivers* Excellent line!
she found the closer she looked, the deeper she could see into him. Oh, you must have had a laugh at me when I suggested you make that happen at St. Mungo's!
“At last,” he whispered, closing the door gently behind him as he left them in their own world. Indeed! What a perfect ending to the chapter. Now I will join the legions begging for more.
Aw, poor Arthur. Fortunately for him, we know how things work out. The exchange between Molly and Arthur over the rules reminds me of someone else from current canon. Interesting parallel to draw, but it definitely has canon support. Harry observes himself how Ron and Hermione remind him of Mr and Mrs Weasley, and we've seen Molly badger Arthur about sticking to the rules, as well.
I found a couple of minor editing nits: “Don’t worry, Molly. I won’t let you down,” he promised, winking at her You're missing a period at the end of this sentence. “Leave him alone - he’s really nice…a much better person than you are.” Molly replied, attempting a defense. You want a comma after "are", not a period.
I always got the impression from canon that Alistor Moody was quite a bit older than the Weasleys. I don't get the feeling he'd have been at school with them. Lucius Malfoy, yes, definitely; Narcissa possibly, but not Moody. That's probably one of the biggest difficulties in writing a fic of this era -- peopling the school with very little canon to go by. You end up with a lot of OCs and that's a lot of work.
I find myself wondering why Molly is friends with Maeve. She's coming across as downright bitchy. Molly, on the other hand sounds like Hermione again here, when she mentions laziness in regard to the house-elves. (That's not a criticism -- just an observation. As I said last review, the parallel is justified, IMO.)
Couple more minor nits: most of the student’s were near-drenched... Some of the younger student’s craned their necks to watch the hat; You want students in both cases, no apostrophe.
There's something poignant about the flashback at the beginning of this chapter. I think it's seeing Molly's brothers when we know what's going to happen to them. It's also sort of interesting how Maeve comes in between Molly and Arthur from day one. It sort of parallels they way she's reluctant for Molly and Arthur to get together in the beginning of the story. It's also ironic, because that seems to be turning around.
Nitpicky stuff: Prefect’s coach This should be "Prefects' coach" with the apostrophe after the S. There's more than one prefect at Hogwarts, and the coach is for all of them. “Maeve” You're missing punctuation in there. who you’re mystery girl is You want "your" in there, not "you're". when the heard Pringle Typo in there: "they" not "the".
the sun began to set, casting prisms of light across the lake. The two of them watched it in quiet awe, before the red sun finally melted away beneath the cool black of the lake, leaving the sky dark and revealing the hundreds of sparkling stars above them. That's a nice bit of description there.
LOL, it's the famous incident where Molly and Arthur stayed out too late! I was wondering.
Ms. Prewett I'd seriously consider changing the Ms to Miss. In canon, the female students are never referred to as "Ms". Also this didn't come into usage until the mid-1970s (or Marauder's era), and that was in the US. I don't even know if it's used much in the UK.
Aw, I like how the Fat Lady let her off at the end.
Aw, Arthur thinks the marks are worth it. He's an odd combination of brave and wimpy, isn't he? He had the nerve to go after Molly when she was obviously ticked, and yet he still hasn't worked up the courage to tell her how he feels. LOL, I didn't think there was anything to the Andromeda thing, either. Congratulations, I didn't find anything for you to fight the moochie over in this one!
I don’t want you to fall for him for the same reason…You’ll just end up getting stuck in a relationship you don’t want to be in, and you’ll be too soft to end it.” URGH. I really don't like Maeve. She may think she's being a friend, but who is she to tell Molly who to fall for and who not to? She's acting like Molly's interfering mother. At least she's got the grace to look guilty after setting Molly and Amos up, but it's not enough to redeem her in my eyes.
Some little editing nits: his smile not losing any of it’s usual brightness. You want "its" here, not "it's". we should be getting to be Transfiguration I think you've got an extra word in there. “And he is NOT in love with me” she added after a moment. You're missing a comma after "me". from the boy’s discussion You want the apostrophe after the S on "boys" there -- there're more than one boy involved in the discussion. whoever she likes” Arthur said Another missing comma after "likes".
You've got Dumbledore referring to Molly as "Ms Prewett" all through the chapter. I'd advise you to change that to "Miss" for the reasons I explained in an earlier review. Other than that, I thought it was cute. I liked seeing where they got three of their kids' names. I'm curious to find out if you explain a few more in the final chapter.
More edits for you if the moochie doesn't get you first: Professor Binn’s: Professor Binns, no apostrophe. There wouldn't be an apostrophe in Dark Arts here, either: start that Dark Art’s essay on Aurors. You’re starting you’re essay already: the first "you're" in there is correct, but the second one is a possessive adjective, so you want "your". it’s time for dinner.” she said: You want a comma after "dinner", not a period.
I suppose Maeve's shallowness has its uses: she's cottoned on to Arthur, anyway. Since we know how that all works out, I'll try not to dislike her so much. ;-) Now, as for Arthur, I think he needs a good swift kick in the seat of his trousers. Happily we know Molly is just the person to give it to him. I also got a smile out of Arthur making all his friends shape up since he's become a prefect. Something tells me that he's doing it to impress Molly.
I noticed your author's note about the chapter being short. Sometimes chapters just are short. You really shouldn't try to pad a short chapter out just to make it the same length as the others. If you've accomplished everything your plot demands in a given chapter, then it's the right length. This one didn't leave me with the impression of anything missing.
It looks like Arthur's finally showing some signs of coming around at long last. I liked the conversation they had where they were talking about themselves and pretending not to. Sort of like Ron and Hermione in OOP after Harry kissed Cho.
Here's the inevitable nitpicky stuff. and he didn’t.” Molly said. Comma after "didn't". You've got another typo like that here: it if you answered.” Molly said You've also got another "whatever" in Andromeda's speech.
Why am I not shocked that all Amos wants to talk about is himself? He rubbed me that way in GOF, too, always wanting to make his son out to be bigger than he was.
Nitpicky editing stuff: Molly forced herself to laugh “How did you guess?” she asked dryly You're missing periods at the end of both those sentences. I don’t think you’re friends You want "your friends" in there. to edit it a bit.” he said. You want a comma after "bit" not a period. She laid down in her bed "lay" not "laid".
“Whatever,” Maeve said "Whatever" is a pretty modern expression. You don't state the year, but it's a good guess that it's pre-Marauders-era, and that was in the 70s. I grew up in the 70s and we didn't say "whatever" in this sense. When you're writing about teenagers in another era, it's hard to get the slang right. It's probably best to keep away from too many slang expressions unless you can get someone who grew up in the timeframe you're writing about to verify them.
Maeve isn't quite so irritating in this chapter. Maybe it's because she's got a boyfriend now?
Thanks for the edits, I'll take care of them. As for Moody's age, yeah - I think he is a bit older, but I wasn't sure, and I thought he'd make a nice companion. Hmm, I wasn't really thinking of 'whatever' as slang, which is why it escaped my attention. For me it's always been just a resigned 'I don't care', perhaps because I'm just so used to it, it didn't occur to me. I'll try and find an adequate replacement.
Maeve gets a lot of mixed reactions from readers, hehe. She can be a little superficial, and I think that's the source of your annoyance with her. You mentioned her decency to seem a little guilty in Chapter 3's review - that's an insight to her less shallow side that you'll see more of later, so hopefully she won't grate on your nerves for too long. I love Maeve, she entertains me :)
Thanks so much for the reviews. Me huggles them.
You’re face is all red "You're" should be "your". we got the audio This is one of those time things. "We got the audio" sounds really modern for a story that's probably taking place in the 1960s at the latest.
So much for the nit-picky stuff. I thought the ending line was the perfect place to leave it. I'm also glad Maeve showed herself to be a lot less annoying at the end. From that scene, I could see why Molly is friends with her. Nice story.
I always love finding a humour fic that doesn't rely on making the HP characters we know from canon behave in an as OOC manner as possible to drive the comedy. You've managed that wonderfully! I was a bit confused as to what marigolds were at first, but I worked it out from the context. For a while there, though, I thought he had flowers on his hands...
Author's Response: Thank you. :) I've had someone say that before about the marigolds, but have never gotten around to changing it to simply "rubber gloves". Perhaps one day... *grin* I hope you enjoyed the rest.
Love the flicking effect at the beginning. You carry it on just long enough so that it keeps the reader scratching his head but it doesn't reach annoyance levels before you explain it.
Balding potions. Sounds like a recipe for disaster if I ever heard one. You should think about doing something with that. It's something that could come up again in a future installment.
And how do you skin a cat using only a tuning fork and a sock? And does Hermione know that her pet is a likely target of said skinning? Nice to see the parchment making a reappearance from last chapter, too. Already you've tied this chapter to the one preceding it more than chapters one and two were tied together.
Crabbe and Goyle are painfully thick here. Perfectly in character, as is Draco's frustration with them. Wonder how long he'll put up with them before going postal? Could be another avenue to explore.
It's somehow fitting that Dumbledore's teeth seem to have a mind of their own and went for Filch's list on purpose, and then go on to create even further pandemonium.
"Some students simply jumped out their way with weary expressions." I think the word you want in there is "wary" not "Weary".
Very much looking forward to another installment of this!
,p>Thanks for the giggle. I know this is a humour fic and so it's not meant to be taken so seriously, but why are the Weasley twins still at Hogwart? I was assuming that this was Harry's sixth year, although you never really say.
So if pheonix poo makes great shampoo, what does cat pee do? Condition? Hot oil treatment? What? Enquiring minds want to know!
This was quite believable as something we could see at the beginning of book six. Everyone was perfectly in character. I can easily imagine canon Vernon saying just the things he said to Petunia in the beginning.
I noticed a few minor nits in the capitalisation and punctuation: Believe me Petunia, --> there should be a comma after me. mongrel of a Godfather of his --> godfather wouldn't take a capital here, and neither would uncle here: the pig he called Uncle. "My invisibility cloak, Harry muttered --> you're missing the close quote after cloak here. I also noticed a couple of sentences I felt could have been broken into two.
The ending was spot on. JKR has said that if we know what Dudley saw when he faced the Dementors, it would give something away. Although your take on it doesn't really give any sort of clue away about Dudley, I can definitely imagine his worst nightmare being forced to follow his diet. Good job!
Interesting start. I don't see any major issues with grammar or word choice here. However, I do feel there's just enough "off" about the canonicity to warrant comment. The second paragraph implies that Harry has been locked into his room, and yet we learn at the end of OOP that if the Dursleys mistreat Harry at all, all Harry has to do is let the Order know and Moody will be around to visit. Now perhaps Harry is in such a funk that he hasn't bothered telling anyone. That would make sense, given his mental state. On the other hand, it sounds from the text as if Harry is just putting his letters in a drawer and not bothering to reply. If this is the case, then Moody would definitely have been round to see what the matter was. It would be helpful to make that issue a little clearer.
You also mention that Hogwarts students are now allowed to preform magic outside of school. It was not mentioned in the books that the ban on magic outside school was lifted, so this aspect could use a bit more clarification. Was there a special law passed or something along those lines?
You tend to spend a lot of time telling the reader things he should already know from the books. I don't personally think it's necessary to remind us of the circumstances under which Harry acquired his second bedroom, or that his godfather was recently killed. I know JKR does this in early books, but I don't think she needs to do that either.
A couple of other nit related to canoncity: Hermione signs her letters "love from" in the books. Did you change that as an indication of some sort of difference in her attitude towards Harry this summer? Sirius wasn't killed by just any old Death Eater; it was his first cousin, Bellatrix. Also Harry did have a Daily Prophet subscription in OOP -- he just never bothered reading more than the front page. There really isn't any reason why Harry couldn't take out his own subscription again this summer.
Sorry, I know I'm doing a lot of nitpicking here. It's what I do best. *grin* I did really like the observation about how Harry's life was divided into two parts, the before and the after Sirius' death. Also I think you got Harry's state of mind just right.
Wow, let me first and foremost thank you for writing such a nice long review. Let me also state that (wow) you pay a whole lot more attention to specifics than I do (the way Hermione signs her letters? Seriously?*lol*).
Now, to roll up my sleeves and get down to it. As for the "locked up" bit, I tend to spread out my information. When he goes to leave in an upcoming chapter, it says something to the effect of "he'd managed to avoid going downstairs thus far." So, no, he wasn't locked up. (I wrote this chapter so long ago, I don't exactly remember what information is in which chapter). I mention somewhere that he has been keeping up with his letters. Of course, they're in the drawer because he keeps them. I thought that was fairly obvious, but I'll have to take a look. I also have a little blurb in there about the Ministry allowing previously underage students perform magic. "Due to the rise of Voldemort, previously underage wizards were now allowed to perform magic outside of school."
I spend time writing back-story, because that's what JKR does, and I try to emulate her work as much as I am capable of. I'll change the bit about the newspaper, and Hermione's closing, but I didn't feel it necessary to go into the relations and the exact name of the Death Eater. The reader would be overloaded with information as it is.
Ok, I think I've covered all the major points you made. I certainly appreciate the effort, and am very glad you took time out of your day to read. God help me when it comes to my turn in SPEW. *Jets off to make corrections on ch. 1*
You want to be an Auror, don’t you? Hermione had said. To even have a chance you have to have a N.E.W.T in Potions, Hermione had continued. Besides – Ron won’t be taking it, I’ll have no one to sit with, Hermione had pleaded. Strictly speaking, even though this is something in Harry's memory, you should use quotation marks or italics with the quoted words here.
And Harry, young and foolish as he was just after his sixteenth birthday had been stupid enough to concede. This sentence made me smile.
Some more editing nits: after a moments hesitation --> moment's hesitation. use your position to condescend on Harry --> I'm pretty sure the expression is "condescend to". that Binn’s would not notice--> Binns. Also the period got left off of the final sentence of the story.
I especially like Ron telling Snape off. Perfect! Great last line, too. When I clicked on the summary, I have to say I exprected this story would be written from Ron's POV, but you conveyed your story very well by sticking with Harry. Nice job.
First of all, congratulations on finishing the story. It may not seem like much, but to finish something is actually a feat in and of itself. A lot of authors have no trouble starting, but then they get bogged down and can't get where they want to go. Either that or they have no idea how to finish something off. I know you had this outlined, so you knew where you were going, but then I also know you struggled with writer's block. Congratulations on not letting it get you down and beating it!
Now I'm going to get the more nit-picky stuff out of the way.
...vile things you’d done to her.”
So you went off and battled evil wizards?
There's a mistake in that paragraph transition with the quote marks. When changing paragraphs mid-speech, the quote mark gets left off the end of the paragraph, but there is a quote mark at the opening of the next one. Also at the very end of Petunia's rant to Harry, you need a question mark on the last sentence.
his infant daughter laying against his chest "Laying" should be "lying".
Tear leaked from the corners of his clenched eyes. Either you're missing the S on "tears" or you want "A tear".
It’d been a difficult evening, they’d had to wait for everyone else to go to bed before they could really talk with each other. You need more of a transition between "evening" and "they'd", either a semi-colon or a period.
“that poor by.” Couple of things here: "boy" not "by", and the period goes outside the quote marks in a case like this. This is a bit of an exception to the regular rule. You're not quoting someone's speech here, and the phrase in the quote marks isn't a complete sentence.
but Ron and learned to do it more quietly But Ron had learned to do it more quietly.
Finally, I loved the closing scene. It brings everything to a much better sense that the story is over than the place where you'd left things before. I especially liked the interplay with the spells (switching spells, etc). alongside the idea of Harry transitioning from Ron's best friend to his brother-in-law. I also like how you brought in a little mention of Hermione at the end. It's sort of a nod to the original trio, even though this story wasn't really centered on them.
Congratulations again on finishing!
Do you want the minor grammar and punctuation nits? I can leave them for you or not, as you prefer. Alternatively, I can email them to you through the "contact author" feature so as not to clutter up your review page. I think this chapter has only served to arouse my curiosity even more. I'd like to know what Dumbledore said to Harry that he didn't want to think about. The whole bit about his secret has got to be tied up with that. Has Dumbledore said anything about the Ginny situation? Percy's definitely onto something as well. What's he going to find out if he noses around, I wonder. And will Ron ever come around and forgive Percy? Questions, questions. I look forward to finding out a few answers soon!
Author's Response: Grammar nitpicks aren't clutter! I'll take 'em anyway you want to send 'em. Thanks! So many questions... I guess I'd better start answering some of them...