When I started reading this, I thought it was a one-shot and I was not at all pleased with the ending. Then I checked and was happy to see that it wasn't completed. I do hope you continue. I'm curious to see who Draco impregnated and how he and Hermione got together.
I like the ideas here, but the this chapter seems so abrupt. We learn nothing about how Draco and Hermione got here. We don't know about the people in their lives, who usually don't approve of this relationship. I find it hard to believe that Lucius' biggest complaint about their relationship is the size of their flat. I now know this is a chartered story so I hope some of these questions will be addressed later on.
So overall, I'm left wanting to know more, which is exactly the response you want from a reader after the first chapter. Good work.
This was cute, but I do have a soft spot for Drarry. I liked the minor inclusion of Ron, but it might of been more entertaining if he'd known about Draco.
Harry and Draco getting drunk and having sex is a pretty common way for their relationship to start, but I find it hard to believe either of them could get drunk on butterbeer into their adult years. In the movies, Hermione got tipsy on it, but she was still a minor and hardly drank before. Butterbeer is known as a very low alcohol drink. When I want my character to get drunk, I use Firewhisky.
I also think Harry and Draco's relationship progressed a bit too quickly. They went from I hate you - to - Let's tolerate each other - to let's pretend to be friends - to I love you in less than twenty-four hours. I think they'd both struggle to admit that they have feelings for each other. There'd be a lot of denial before they ultimately decide to face the truth.
Still a cute little story that made me smile.
Well, this was certainly cheery. 😝 Okay, I expected it to be dark.
Anyway the imagery in this is amazing. You can almost see the red, slowly overshadowing everything in the castle that used to be pure and innocent.
I loved this and for the most part it seemed to flow nicely. There were just a couple of lines that felt a little off. You start more than one line in a row with and, which ends up sounding like a run-on sentence, even in a poem. And the the last line in the first stanza starts with 'til. No matter how many times I read it, I want to change it to until. It may just be me, but I think that sounds much better.
Overall, a great, dark poem.
Author's Response: Thank you. :) I certainly found it to be cheerful >.< And thank you for the critique! I realize that "And"s can throw off a piece, and perhaps I did throw in too many. Keep reading! ~Nagini