I love all things Potter.
*rolls around laughing*
That was original. Now, I have an urge to write one for Sevy. This was super cute. I hope Sirius was sitting under your Christmas tree this morning.
Author's Response: Don't worry, Sirius is with me constantly. *winks"
Thank you for reviewing but Sevy... sigh each to their own.
Awww...this was great. Snape was so in character. I swear, I could hear his voice while I was reading this. Very cute and touching. A very nice tribute to our favorite Potions Professor.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review! lol, that's something I do - imagine Snape saying whatever dialogue I come up with, that way I can stay true to his snarkiness.
This is certainly an interesting poem, and I can clearly see young Severus in your words. Sitting solitary, day after day with only books for company. That is exactly how I imagine Severus’ childhood, with little visits from Lily, of course. Was Lily the little girl? I assumed it had to be her.
I really liked the end of your poem when Severus was showed a real coin trick after claiming to dislike them. It just seemed really fitting. A nice way to end things.
I did find parts of this hard to read though. The entire poem is written in one long stanza. There’s nothing technically wrong with this, but it doesn’t do much for flow. Your poem tells a story and each stanza could be a paragraph, giving better timing and flow. Stanzas could also reduce confusion by telling readers when the focus is about to change.
Overall, a very nice with poem. You did Severus proud.
Hermione/Fred. I like it. I like it way better than Hermione/Ron. They complement each other in a strange sort of way. Almost like the traits one lacks the other displays.
Obviously, this is just the prologue and not much has happened. However, I do like the way it’s written. I’ve read many books that start out this way. The whole looking back to tell the story. It’s a nice we to start, especially with a story like this.
I wonder how Fred will fair in this fic. You’re already off canon with the pairing so you could ignore it further by not killing him, which would be nice. Yet, I sense Fred’s death looms in your story, too.
I really liked this start. I did find some of the wording a bit awkward. Some of your sentences run on a bit too much causing their meaning to be a little jumbled. It wouldn’t hurt to give this another edit or send it to a beta just to make the writing a little smoother.
Overall, a great start to a promising fic.
I’m surprised to see this poem has only one other review. It’s very cute, and Draco is such a popular character. You really should be getting more attention for this. But I’ve seen plenty of great, neglected fics on here.
Anyway, I have to say that I really enjoyed this. For the most part, the flow is very smooth, which is one of the hardest things to get right in poetry, in my opinion. Sure, there are a few places that maybe could’ve sounded slightly better, but that happens. So many people think poetry is a quick way to write fan fiction and get on the site, but it’s really harder than writing a long winded story.
The only thing about this poem that irked me was when Draco referred to his father as nasty. Most of people see Lucius Malfoy that way, but not his son. Lucius is a lot of things, not all of them good, but I think the stories have always showed him as a good father. I don’t think there was ever a second that Draco didn’t adore both of his parents.
My favorite line was near the end. “Please, Bellatrix, please stop talking.” Bella is my favorite character, but I had to laugh at that line. I wondered how many people had that exact same thought. As much as I love her, she really doesn’t seem to know when to shut up.
I also especially liked the way you ended this poem. Draco realizing that the war was just beginning. Dumbledore’s death would be a catalyst, spurring everything ahead. Because the books are told from Harry’s point of view, Draco always seems arrogant and stupid. I can’t argue with the first one, but that boy was never stupid. I think you captured him very well.
This is a great poem. I hope you continue to write about Draco in future fics.
A lovely hate on Umbridge poem. I’m surprised I haven’t seen more of these. After all, she is the most hated character in the HP universe. I’ve heard of a few people who think Voldemort is worthy of pity, but none who have a kind word for Umbridge. What does it mean to be more hated than the most evil wizard of all-time?
Your poem was very cute. The flow is nice. Everything is very simple, which isn’t a bad thing.
So many poems are all serious, full of gloom and doom. That’s usually the kind of poems I write. But this is actually pretty light, and even funny, which the title suggests.
Thanks for sharing this.
This is pretty good. I like the imagery, but emotion is entirely lacking. You give readers all these nice pictures in their mind, but this is a scene about death and the end of a very long war. Harry is emotional. Even Voldy is likely to be feeling something. Everyone in that room is feeling something, likely fear. I think this poem could be greatly improved if some of these emotions are explored.
Bella = Love.
I like this, which is actually pretty unusual. I’m utterly obsessed with Bella, but I don’t much like strictly canon stories about her. But this was good. Seeing her decent into madness through the eyes of someone who loved her. Sad, really.
I don’t think Rodolphus loved her, but that’s just my opinion on the matter. There’s really nothing to say one way or the other. Their relationship has always been a complete mystery.
I guess I’m starting to ramble. What I can say is that your poem is beautiful. It captures Bella’s life so emotionally and simply. I love the way you talk about her dancing, at first in innocent happiness and later in total madness. That comparison is very eerie.
This is nice. A sweet little poem with just a hint of the sadness and darkness surrounding the story.
It’s nice to see something out there about Hedwig’s death. He wasn’t an integral part of the story like Dobby, but he was important to Harry, and it was sad to see him go. It’s nice to think that a little girl with magic in her veins stumbles upon him. Surely she’ll give the great owl a honorable resting place.
Technically this poem is good, too. The flow is nice and even. All the sentences fit together well to convey a great amount of emotion.
Author's Response: Thank you for reading and reviewing! I love Hedwig so much. Thank you so much!!
Congrats. I don’t like James, and I don’t like cheesy poetry, but yet I liked this. That’s very impressive. As a rule, I cringe at the mention of James and ignore the fic altogether, but you didn’t include his name in the summary so I was into the poem before realizing who was speaking.
This is actually a nice representation of the way his romance with Lily began. I’ve always wondered how he won her over. I think he really was a bit of a git, and she was always supposed to be so sweet. Somehow I always thought she’d have been better suited to Remus.
Anyway, the poem is a sappy, cheesy festival of lovey-dovey stuff, which is normally a bad thing, but somehow you make it cute rather than annoying. The lines are so simple and true to the character that they just make you smile. Very well done.
This is a cute little poem, and I like the overall feel of it. The repetition of colors is nice touch. I think of Draco and Hermione when I read this. Maybe because I’ve seen a lot of that pairing lately, but is it meant to be them?
I’m not that keen on the format of this poem. Each new line of poetry is meant to start with a capital letter, even if it’s a continuation from a previous sentence. You have stanzas that don’t even start with a capital letter. That just looks strange.
The flow is also a bit awkward. Personally, making a poem flow right is very difficult for me, but it’s one of the most important things about poetry. Poetry is meant to sound in sync when you read it. I don’t get that feeling with this poem. The lines just don’t seem to fit together to make a musical sounding poem.
Overall, I like the idea, but I think the format could use some more work.
Cormac, huh? Well, I like it better than Ron.
Actually, I liked the whole story. Your sense of the romantic is very apt. As is your sense of tormented lovers. I love that in your story Hermione chooses to move on, rather than wait for Ron, the hopeless. You showed her inner turmoil about the choice very well, but I think she made the right one.
You write with a certain elegance that makes romance seem possible, which is harder than you might think.
Very well done.
Author's Response: Haha thank you, although I am certainly not the best at romance in real life unfortunately... Anyway, thank you for calling it elegant, it really boosted my confidence :)
Wow. Okay, this is not my favorite pairing. I’ve read it a few times, and it can be done well, which it is here.
My only issue with your fic is some of the characterization of Draco. I like your Draco, and a lot of his personality is very canon, but not all. There are times when he sounds, a lot more like Snape. Draco didn’t grow-up sad and lonely. He had parents who loved him and friends (or minions) at his side. He was never really alone and he talks like he’s never had anyone. I can see him feeling this way in love, but not in life as a whole.
I must say, you are very talented with love scenes. Even at the beginning when Draco and Harry were having what was meant to be meaningless sex, you wrote it so perfectly. The emotions were clear. Later when they were finally coming to terms with how they feel, it was actually heartwarming.
And when it comes to responding to a lover, I think you captured Harry and Draco dead on. Great job with this fic.
I like the idea of this fic. It’s entirely true. Peter betrayed the Potters, ultimately causing their death, but the blame doesn’t rest solely on his shoulders. Everyone involved made choices, and they weren’t good ones. And we know those choices haunted Severus and Sirius for their entire lives.
As much as I liked the idea of this story, I didn’t really enjoy it. I found that the writing was very simplistic, not offering much emotion or depth, which is really what a story like this should be about. I also found the dialogue off for the characters, especially Severus, The Dark Lord, and Bellatrix. They don’t speak so informally with each other. Their words made the scene feel false.
I think with some editing this could be a very good story.
Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I was experimenting with the style a bit and I'm sorry if you didn't think it worked. I believe I mentioned before that I'm not too good at writing Voldemort, which is why I don't attempt it too often. I'm still working on some stories and I'll give this one another look for editing.
I absolutely love stories that center around the events following Dumbledore’s death. I read a great many of them before the release of The Deathly Hallows. Then when the book finally did come out I was very disappointed to discover that Rowling wasn’t going to reveal the events of that night, beyond the fact that everyone survived it. Although, I suppose it still makes these stories fun and relevant.
Most stories I’ve read about that night focus on Severus. I like that this one is more about Draco. There is no doubt that night changed his life as much as Severus. It’s also nice to see him in such a vulnerable and confused state. Prior to this task, Draco always seemed sure of himself and played the perfect bad boy. Finding more to his character is very rewarding.
I like the idea that you had Draco ill after what happened. It’s a pretty natural human response to that kind of experience, but I’d never thought of it before. I always saw him as upset that night, in particular when he ultimately gets home to Narcissa, but illness never occurred to me. Good call on your part.
I was less fond of your characterization of Severus in this. Taking Draco somewhere safe to recover feels right, but beyond that not so much. In this story, he treats Draco much like he’d treat Harry, which has never been the case. It’s true I can’t picture him being especially comforting, but I think he’d be kinder, and at least keep the taunting to a minimum.
My favorite line: Voldemort would sooner take a muggle wife than forgive the failing of a servant. That made me laugh. Very cute.
Although, I must say, I don’t think Draco would refer to the Dark Lord as Voldemort, even in his own mind. He’s terrified of the man, especially after his failure. And he’s well aware of the rules regarding his name.
Overall, I liked this story. It’s a nice look into the emotional side of Draco. However, it’d have been nice if it were a little longer and showed the Dark Lord’s reaction.
Well, basically, I’m in love with this poem. I’ve been pretty into Draco as a character lately, and this is the major turning point in his life. You’ve captured his character and his emotions perfectly, better than some full-length stories dealing with the same timeframe.
Telling the world who owned him. and When he was forced Down on his knees to kneel. I’m especially fond of these lines because it’s rare for someone to include these ideas in fan fiction, and Rowling never addressed it either. This has to be a very terrifying and degrading experience, and I think Draco’s emotions would be especially heightened. He’s both proud and very young. I can’t imagine these things not going through his mind, and the way you brought it into your poem was perfect.
I also especially liked that there was an entire stanza dedicated to Narcissa’s reaction. This is very appropriate for Draco’s character. He sees that what he’s done has such a drastic effect on her and that’s going to hurt him. I think the relationship he shares with Narcissa is likely to be the strongest and most important in his life, at least at this stage. Her feelings will weigh on him far more than anyone else’s and you showed that wonderfully.
The flow of this poem is great. Reading along nothing feels awkward or out of place. At the end when the style changes erratically it just feels right. It changes with Draco’s emotions, showing how his desperation increases. It’s really just perfect.
As a rule, I have critique in most of my reviews. I like to point out things that might help an author to improve; however, you’re going to be an exception. I absolutely loved this, and see nothing to critique. You have a great understanding of a complex character and your sense of poetry is phenomenal.
Author's Response: Wow! Wow, wow, wow! Thank you so much for your kind words. Really, I'm stunned here. This means a lot to me. :)
Over fifty brave souls perished during the fight that took down You-Know-Who’s regime. However, not all of the victims of the clash that ended just this morning set foot on the grounds of Hogwarts last night. Numerous family members and friends will be spending these next weeks not celebrating, but planning funerals while raking up the pieces of their lives and wondering where they are supposed to go from here.
One boy was lost and alone -- looking for a lifeline, crying for help. But is anyone listening?
This story was nominated for two 2012 Quicksilver Quill Awards: Best Dark/Angst Story and Best General Story.
Oh, Harry. I love how dense he can be sometimes. I knew who D was when I read the first letter.
Anyway, Jess, this is brilliant. Dennis is such an underrated character. I’ve always thought of him as a smaller version of Colin. I never even gave much thought to how he’d be affected by the death of his brother. I love how you showed the effects this war had on characters who weren’t necessarily directly involved. When I think of post-war stories I always think of the characters that fought and saw people die and the guilt they live with. But this is just as valid. Losing a family member is always painful and considering the circumstances and the age of both brothers this is bound to be especially traumatic. Congrats on capturing something that could’ve been easily lost in the fandom.
I also love the way you handled Harry in this. He didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t know who was talking to him. And he honestly had his own problems. Yet someone was reaching out to him, and he didn’t bother to respond until it was too late. Makes me think that he’ll have even more guilt to deal with, which was very cruel of you, by the way.
Absolutely wonderful and heartbreaking story.
Well, hello there!
I agree that Harry is dense in the things that matter, sometimes to the detriment of others. For example, his botched relationship with Cho, or ignoring the signs of Ron becoming disgruntled to the point of leaving in DH. Granted, the Horcrux necklace had a hand in that, but maybe if Harry hadn't acted like his problems were the only one in the universe, it might never have happened. But that's neither here nor there.
I can't blame Harry in this story, though. After the war in which he had lost so much, the idea of getting fanmail would just be sickening to him, I think, and that would, as I showed in the story, lead him to either not read them or put off reading them as long as he could get away with. Maybe, though, if he had stopped and thought about why people write fanmail in the first place, often to reach out to someone admired to feel a part of something, he might not have ignored his mounting pile. Granted, a number of the letters he got were probably fangirly, but in the depths of all of that lay a boy who was drowning in things he had no business dealing with alone. Harry was probably the wrong choice of saviour, ironically enough, but at that age, who is really expected to deal with all of the things Dennis had on his plate and keep their head above water? Yes, Harry could've helped, but so could a number of other people.
I do write a lot of battle fic and battle poetry, but I try to make sure that the rest have their story told, as well. What about Andromeda, who lost her husband, daughter, and son-in-law? Dennis lost his brother. Many people lost sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, and a number of others are left to pick up the pieces of the world that Voldemort created in Year Seven. All of them have a story, and I'm glad I could make you consider some of them. :)
Anyway, thanks for stopping by and NOT reading some scary thing on the older half of my author page, lol. See you around!
Well, Ellie, this is really good. You actually made me feel sorry for Pansy, who is a character I rarely think about at all, except as Draco’s stalker. I liked the relationship you showed with her mother. It’s pretty likely she was an unpleasant woman, something like Sirius’ mum probably. Even without the Carrows’ voices, I think she could’ve ended up where she was. She never had anyone in her corner, and then she lost Draco.
I liked drunk, depressed Ron, too. I actually haven’t read him like this before. I usually find Harry and/or Draco in this position, but it’s just as likely to happen to Ron, maybe even more so since he’s always been so bad at shutting out his emotions and hurt. I didn’t hate Ron in this story, so good job with that.
I found a typo though: She did receive an odd lock from the person next to her… Obviously, that was meant to be look.
I’m also a bit confused about Hermione. Who is she supposed to be dating in this? I swear, Pansy said Draco was with to Ron’s ex lover, but later in the story Ron says Hermione’s with Krum. Did I miss something? By the way, I vote for Dramione. That would be the most upsetting for both of your main characters.
Anyway, this was a fun read. Reading more about Pansy was great. You did a good job making her believable and human, which isn’t easy.
*pats Ellie with the Lucius-like pimp cane*
Author's Response: YAY! I'm so glad you read this, Ella! :D I have started to begin to write Pansy. It stated with a femmeslash for my friend Lily, and then this. I don't know what it is; there just has to be something more to her character. I'm glad the mental disorder didn't scare you off, though. Her mother just seems like the type to constantly insult her daughter. And you're probably right; she would end up somewhere like that eventually.
As for Ron, I thought he would seem the most likely. In the CR, we've discussed his many jealousy-fulled, angsty times, and he would probably be in a bad place after losing Hermione. The typo; I've been meaning to fix that. Someone commented on it on another sight.
I'm pretty sure Hermione's with Krum, but I'll look into fixing it. I think I meant to be talking about dear Astoria ... I'm really glad you think this was a fun read, though. :) I haven't heard many people say that about my writing. Thank you so much for the fabulous review, Ella! I'm so glad you liked it!
*does something cool with the pimp cane*
It figures that he ignores the other side of roses. Thorns fit to draw blood are what remain after the flowers die off, far overshadowing the few months when they splay their gaudy plumage to the summer sun. They’re nice sometimes; for the most part, though, they are sharp and vindictive and unworthy of the attention they receive.
No, Rose thinks. Roses are ugly.
This story has been nominated for a 2013 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Next Generation Story.
Jess, Jess, Jess. Although, I really enjoyed this story, I have to admit that I’m not at all sold on cousin pairings. Yet you still manage to write a fic that draws me in so, as per usual, you rule.
I loved the use of Rose’s name throughout the story. Her feelings towards it were very interesting and oddly apt at times. While Al’s take on her name is more simplistic it still shows the strange infatuation he has with her.
I also have to comment on Al’s feelings towards the original Albus. Very nice. Every time I find a story that represents my feelings towards that man, I want to sing. So many people consider him an unquestionable hero, and I see him as anything but. It’s nice to think that the next generation can look at the war with fresh eyes and see him for what he truly was.
This was a wonderful story filled with sadness, but still offering a ray of hope for the future. As always, well done.
I'm glad you liked the story. Really, what I wanted for it in terms of the cousin pairings was to show it in a light where it doesn't *really* matter. For most UKers, it doesn't. The thought is there in their heads, but it isn't a deciding factor. The end result is more because of Rose's self-image and general lack of interest in Albus, at least in respect to romance.
I find it interesting that you latched onto Al's view of Dumbledore. Really, Dumbledore is a dubious hero, because he was a master manipulator who can't trust himself to hold power because he knows he will abuse it. Sure, he ended on the side of good, but he well could've done otherwise if his sister hadn't died and shook him out of it.
Anyway, thanks for stopping by and reviewing. It's appreciated. And don't forget...this story is on the review drive list, so don't forget to sign up and get you some points for your dedication to research. :)
When I started reading this, I thought it was a one-shot and I was not at all pleased with the ending. Then I checked and was happy to see that it wasn't completed. I do hope you continue. I'm curious to see who Draco impregnated and how he and Hermione got together.
I like the ideas here, but the this chapter seems so abrupt. We learn nothing about how Draco and Hermione got here. We don't know about the people in their lives, who usually don't approve of this relationship. I find it hard to believe that Lucius' biggest complaint about their relationship is the size of their flat. I now know this is a chartered story so I hope some of these questions will be addressed later on.
So overall, I'm left wanting to know more, which is exactly the response you want from a reader after the first chapter. Good work.