Hi! I'm Arianna.
Well, I suppose I'm a complete nut when it comes to Harry potter fanfics, particularly Lily and James fics. I'm in our school's marching band, which is the pretty much best in all the states surrounding where I live.
I love toes socks, free time, the Harry Potter books/movies, the radio, this boy who plays this one thing in that one class, my friends, sleep, snow, funny stuff, cool quotes, peanut butter, band trips, reviews, ballet, goldfish(the crackers), my cat, and those bottle caps that click when you poke them.
Please read Losing Pussyfoot. That is my main focus right now in my stories, and I could really use your feed back.
If you read True Design or Understanding the One Thing You Can't, just know it's not really my style. I try new things, but I find I'm better at funnier, make-you-happy type works, but I love to read most anything (not slash, particalarly Sirius and Remus).
I think it was pretty good. Not sap sappy, as a lot of them are, not too much humor, as then it seems unreal, but just right. I really liked it.
Very interesting. I love the quote used on Isabelle's card; it makes me feel as though she's searching for the fountain of youth. I like your style of writing, it really makes the text flow, and it doesn't feel like you've just discovered the thesaurus. I don't have any suggestions, I like it just how it is.
P.S. I'm in love with the picture you made for this story.
Author's Response: I'm glad you're liking this. Thanks for reviewing!
I really liked your choice of words with 'languidly.' It gives you the feeling Remus more melted into the couch than sat on it. I get the feeling from how you described Isabelle that she's a vampire, although that's just me. Of course it would explain what she told Remus. There was a spot with Isabelle where you should change how it's punctuated:
“I can’t concentrate.” She stated to no one in particular.
This would be better as '"I can't concentrate," she stated to no one in particular.' The way it is now detracts from the story.
Author's Response: Thank you for the con crit. The first four chapters of this were not beta'd, so I'm editing as I go along. "Languidly" was really the only word worth use in that scene, so I figured it would make the picture more vivid. Thank you for the kind review.
I saw Narziss' review, and wanted to tell you what a sleeze they are. I checked to see if they'd written any stories, but the person that reviewed made that account just so they could give that bad review that had no basis. It's probable that the real reviewer doesn't want to ruin their good name, so they made a new account. What a slime ball. Own up to what you want to say. Your story is great, and any real person can tell Isabelle's not a Mary Sue or self insertion. You can generally tell when one or the other, usually together, happens, and it just hasn't. I give you my compliments on making such an interesting, real-life character.
Author's Response: Thank you! It means a lot to me that you say that! Again, thanks. It\'s very much appreciated!
Good chapter, and it's very effective how you skip the month; I find it drags on if you write about it. I must confess, I only read a little into each section, then continued when I found it safe and skipped that section causing the rating all together; hope it wasn't too important. Anyway, from what I read I didn't see any mistakes and it was written very nicely and imaginable. Also, I wanted to thank you for telling me how to put up pictures; I honestly couldn't figure it out. Just a little tid bit I just found out, Remus' middle name is John. I just thought that was interesting.
Author's Response: Thank you for the review, and you\'re welcome!
Don\'t worry about skipping over that scene, it was none too important, as there are other indicators to help further the story long throughout the chapter.
Okay, really liked the apology. I thought it was really sweet how she made the wolfebane potion for him, and I liked the poem. However, the poem wasn't a sonnet. Your rhyming sceme was fine, along with the number of lines, but a sonnet has ten syllables in each line. Some of your lines had one too many, or a couple missing. That aside, it was wonderfully written (though I do like Free Verse better).
Author's Response: Hmm... I disagree about the ten syllables per line. Of course, I only ever learned that a sonnet has fourteen lines and three rhyming schemes, and that was learning on my own. So we'll say it's a "loose" sonnet. I'm glad you thought the poem and gift were sweet. Thank you for the wonderful review. :)
The chapter felt good and very real; it flowed very nicely. It's interesting that you made Isabelle a potions professor, pictures of someone who is intimidating, yet has a soul and can be more human than others come to mind (along with images of my History teacher...). In your last paragraph there's a sentence with a semicolon, and the word directly after is capitalized; it should be lower case.
P.S. Don't be offended by my thinking of Isabelle being like a vampire; it's just what I thought. Some of my best friends are vampire...or they wish to be anyway (never tell them 'bite me,' they will).
Author's Response: I obsessed over this chapter for, I think, two weeks; making sure it flowed and whatnot. I'm not offended at all about you thinking Isabelle like a vampire. I'm surprised that you're the first that's said that, because those were my thoughts when I was planning her. I'm like, 'She sounds like a vampire...' LOL
Anyway, thank you for the kind review. I have friends who like to think they're vamps, too. ;)
I am such a twit! I was reading through it and got to the dark mark and thought "It's just like GoF, not very original," and then I remembered when the story was taking place. Much better now that I've remembered that.
It's very good, and you can tell Remus is very distracted by Isabelle; otherwise he'd have remembered the full moon.
Author's Response: LOL, I\'ve had a couple of those moments myself. Thank you for taking the time to review, dear!
It is ambitious Lily Evans' 7th and final year at Hogwarts. She is very excited about being one step closer to becoming an Auror and thrilled about being back to school altogether.
But there is one little annoyance: the Marauders. Specificially arrogant James Potter. He has been pestering her to go out with him, but she has coldly denied his wishes. She thinks this year will be no different to the past six school years.
But life is full of mistakes...::~!~::..
"Just one minute.” Lily noticed footsteps heading in her direction. She saw a hand reach from between the screens and drop a flower onto her bedside table.
“Mr. Potter! Return to your dormitory immediately!”
“Alright, alright…” The hand disappeared.
Once Lily was sure that no one was in the wing, he lifted her head and saw what flower Potter had dropped.
Lily stuffed her head in her pillow and screamed a muffled scream that no one could hear.
That was pretty good, and I just have to ask: When you were listing off the names of the teams, team 1 had 'Levine' on it. Was Levine just a name, or do you like Ella Enchanted?
Author's Response: *gasps* I LOVE Ella Enchanted!!!! But, one of my friends does have a last name "Levine"
Well, at least the dog knows whats going on.
Author's Response: yeah, oops, i forgot to give Lily back her wand. o well, i'll add it in the next chapter!
Quick turn around for Lily. A few grammatical errors, but pretty good, loved the mental images of James lying in mud...wouldn't I love to do that...
I really like this, and it's not all bubbly an perfect, you know? Bad things happen, nd not just with the Slytherins. Good job.
Author's Response: i despise cute and bubbly and perfect things. bubbly things annoy me. SLYTHERINS MUST DIE!
The first chapter described Harry smelling grass, then explained the dormitory he was in. Then the second chapter talked about him falling out of a tree. Either those guys had a super cool dorm, or you made a mistake. Your last paragraph in chapter two had a few mistakes, it'd be best for you to reread that and fix them. It's a pretty cool idea, different from the other ones, although I find it weird that James' soul is 'shut off.' Good job.
Oh sad, Harry's right she hasn't seen the real James Potter yet, what'll happen when he comes back? I wonder if James is aware of everything that's happening, or if it's more a an a coma state.
OH MY HEAVENS TO BETSY! That was completely pointless, but I loved it, and kept me guessing the whole time. Just a question, were you high on ice cream when you wrote this?
Once again, I loved it. The way Lily fights with herself is just classic; you did a really good job. I also liked how James just sort of appeared at the end, very silent. Great job.
I really liked your story. For some reason, I just lved the end where Lily was telling herself she was a coward, it made me laugh. You're really good at writing.
I wasn't able to read the entire first chapter, my mom wants me off. I will, however, tell you what I think.
I like your writing technique. It doesn't seem forced, or like you've discovered your thesaurus, and it has an over-all style that you stick to.
Now, I'm not a very good author myself, but me english class requires excellent critiquing skills, but it's only what I think.
When you said, "Sirius chuckled at his best friend," I felt chuckled wasn't quite the right word, for me at least, it makes me think of a clown. Chortled might be better.
You inserted a comment from yourself '(Hmmmm I wonder why??)' which derides from the story and should be taken out.
In another side note that does help the story, '(which she had learned from Mary Lee.)' the period shouldn't be included here; this side note sentence is still part of the outward sentence, and thus the period should be outside the parenthesis, or if the sentence continues, at the end of the sentence.
That's as far as I got, and I hope what I had to say was helpful, I know how it feels to not get reviews (although my stories aren't nearly as good).
P.S. You can keep it the same, many authors change it to their liking, but Sirius' eyes are gray or silver, but that really doesn't detract from the story.
Author's Response: Thanks for the grammar tips. I thought I messed up Sirius's eyes, but I thought that his light blue eyes would contrast better with Mary Lee's dark, black eyes.
Okay, well I've got to say I don't like your story. Number one reason is self-insertion. When I got done with chapter two I could tell you had put yourself in as Mary Lee, and that was before I read your bio and saw that was your name. Most often when we try to write about ourselves we write the self that we think we are, which usually isn't right. I'm not saying it's bad to put bits of you in your stories; that's actually how you become a good author, play on your experiences making the ones you write about real to the reader. But when you put everything of how you see yourself into one character, they tend to become more unreal and unbelievable, as our views of ourselves usually are very bias and unreal. Mary Lee, in this case, tends to command the room, like a drama queen, taking the light away from the main characters, James and Lily. All I know about her is she's loud, mean, funny, and more with the physical side of love. Where're the sensitive, sad, hurt, and depressed sides? Everyone has them, but Mary Lee, as she is right now, is surreal without them. There are some really super rare people who can effectively write themselves into a story, but otherwise, it should be avoided like chocolate covered dog doo. Other than that, your story could be good, as long you fix Mary Lee a bit.
Author's Response: Don't like it? Don't read it.
Pretty good, I had to laugh in quite a few places. Only thing is, we just studied this in my college english class, and so I picked up on a few places where you dropped the meter and rhyming and ruined some of the story. That's okay though, I'm not grading you on it, and I really did enjoy it, I may even showit to my teacher for laughs.
Author's Response: YOUR teacher? THANKS A BILLION!