Hi, I'm Melissa. :0)
Aw, that was so cute! =)
Colin is one of my favorite minor characters, and you really did him justice in this. Using his viewpoint of the fight was a really original way to write about Ron and Hermione, especially since their fight scenes are written so much in fanfic. His comments made me laugh out loud, especially the bit about Hermione’s hair crackling. And the fact that he ate Pumpkin pasties the whole time was very cute.
I also really enjoyed your opening paragraph – Colin’s observations immediately caught my attention, and the description gave me a distinct image of the Common Room in my head.
And speaking of paragraphs, the ending few were perfect. Ron’s way of making Hermione ‘prove it’ was priceless, and incidentally, something I really wish would happen in the books. Having Harry come in at the last moment was a nice touch, and the very last line was a great way to tie in all the pumpkin pasty eating. =)
I do have a few tiny nit-picks:
The crackling of the fire was growing lower and lower as the night inched on, and many people had to result to the Lumous Spell for a greater light. Lumous should be changed to Lumos.
“All you have ever done is turn your back on me. I just wanted to let you know,” she sobbed, “That next time, I won’t be behind you waiting.” First off, this is one of my favorite lines in this fic. I love that Hermione sort of calls out Ron on how much he’s ignored her, and gives him an ultimatum. When I was reading this part, I couldn’t wait to see Ron’s response. The second thing, is that the ‘that’ after sobbed should have a lower case t.
Well, awesome one-shot - it was exciting, original, and very sweet. I loved it! =)
Author's Response: Aww, thank you so much! =]
You know, I noticed when I reread the series for my now 12th time that in CoS, we read a lot about Colin. After the second book though, we rarely hear from him, except when he retrieves Harry from class for the Weighing of the Wands ceremony. I enjoyed reading about him, but all we ever saw of the boy was in his younger years, when he was a crazed Harry fan. I always wondered what he would have been like in Harry\'s sixth or seventh year, when he would have matured greatly.
I\'m really glad you enjoyed this little one-shot. I wrote it ages ago but finally just decided to publish it to MNFF, and so far it has gone over really well. I\'m super proud of it, it\'s my little humour baby.
Thanks for the help! I find readers who use constructive critisism very helpful, because they can add so much to my writing! I\'m off to edit right now!
Thanks again for reading! =]
Wow, that was great!
I loved that you made Emmeline such a real character. Normally she only pops up in fanfic as one of Lily's best friends or something, so this was a very refreshing read. Her reactions to Regulus watching her were very realistic, especially moving around her cauldron to take a peek at him. I think it sounds exactly like what a teenage girl would do. That and blushing. =)
Regulus was great, too. He was wonderfully mysterious, and I could just picture him smirking when he turned the tables on Emmeline when she confronted him. It was also nice to see him and Sirius getting along, and I loved that Sirius called him Arcturus. The one thing about that is wouldn’t Emmeline be confused as to why Sirius called him that ? I know there was no one else around, so she would know it was Regulus, but I would have thought she would have been curious about the name. Just a thought, though.
Completed? Does this have to be just a one-shot? I was hoping we’d find out what happened in Hogsmeade… Well, in any case, this was an awesome fic, so I’m very glad I saw it on the ‘Most Recent’ list. =)
Wow, powerful ending - having Merope know she was going to die built up to it nicely.
One thing, Then everything went black as my last breathe escaped my body. That 'breathe' should be 'breath.'
Looks like the next chapter will be from Tom's POV, right? Can't wait to see what happens. =)
Author's Response: Thanks, I haven\'t updated at all yet, but I am planning on doing so soon. So Keep an eye out!
This is really great! The plot is so original, and from the first flashback you had me hooked.
I loved the way you wove in all the characters from the Black family tree, and I can't say I blame Regina for not wanting to be called Walburga.
One of my favorite parts was when Tom and Regina were figuring out I am Lord Voldemort. We already knew he started using it at school, but it was interesting to see how he could have come up with it.
Great first chapter! =)
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I\'m really glad you enjoyed it and thank you for your thoughtful review!
Interesting first chapter! I almost never see fics about Tom’s childhood, so this is definitely very original. I’m intrigued. =)
First of all, I loved how you characterized Tom! I think you kept him very close to what we saw of him acting like in the books, as well as adding your own spin to his character. In the beginning I even felt sorry for him – something I don’t normally do. He seemed like just a little boy who wanted someone to notice him. The sympathy didn’t last long though, as the story subtly shifts from making you feel sorry for Tom, to being able to see how creepy he can be, especially when he kills the rabbit. The way you wrote that scene, and also the ending line, were very powerful; I nearly had shivers.
This line also really stood out to me - No one ever remembered Tom. Not yet, anyway. I really liked that sentence, and I think it foreshadows very well what type of person Riddle’s going to become. It also fits with the title about him never wanting to be ordinary, even when he’s so young.
I also liked how you slipped in the characters we saw in HBP. It was nice to see Mrs. Cole and Billy get a personality, and I’m interested to see how their characters will play into the storyline.
Author's Response: Thank you for the great review! ^_^ I do almost feel sorry for Tom in the beginning when everyone forgets him and nobody likes him, but as soon as he killed that rabbit I lost all of my sympathy. Thanks again for the review! (It made me smile!)
Ooh, we meet some boys. =) Lillian is such a great character so far, and I can't wait to see what the tasks are.
Yay! I just finished A Different Sort of Peace / Happy Christmas, so I was wondering if we'd see Lillian (and the Christmas baby) again. I'm very intrigued so far, and can't wait to see what happens next! Loved the McGonagall bit, by the way. =)
Wow, this was really great. I’m looking forward to the next chapters. =) I really love Sirius fics, and the ones that explore his childhood are so interesting.
I think you wrote all the characters spot-on. Each young character fit their older personality very well. Bella’s ability to lie and manipulate was perfect, and Narcissa’s readiness to go along with what others say was great too.
My favorite part, though, was the ending. I thought the repetition of the I didn’t do it was chilling.
A few things –
I did notice the absence of Andromeda. Bella’s twelve, so I’d assume it’s not because she’s at Hogwarts, because Bella would be there too. It’s not a big thing, but even an offhand comment about why Andromeda isn’t there – maybe she doesn’t want to play with her younger cousins – would be a nice addition.
“Regulus,” interrupted Mrs Black, not even bothering to spear Sirius another glance… Do you mean ‘spare’ rather than ‘spear’?
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this; it seemed like a missing moment from canon.
- Melissa =)
Author's Response: Well, firstly, thank you for the review, Melissa. Yeah, Sirius-centric stories are the best, as far as I'm concerned, and his childhood is an interesting thing to explore. There's so little that's really *known*, but there's enough to sort of piece a general picture together, I think.
Ah, young!Bella is *so* much fun to write - so it's good to hear she seemed IC.
As for Andromeda's absence ... I hadn't really thought of that, of figuring out why she wasn't there - hmm? (And yes, I *did* mean 'spare'. Should really go back and fix that.
Well, since you had me all intrigued with your one-shot, I thought I'd pop on over here and see what prompted it. I'm glad I did, too. =) This is such an interesting idea - that Andromeda and Lucius had a relationship. I don't think I've ever read anything like it before.
I like Andromeda's character a lot so far, and poor her, falling into the fountain. The little bit we saw of Cissy was good too - I've always thought they would've been friends.
Author's Response: Glad you\'re enjoying this, I had entirely too much fun with this story while writing. :) And yes, Andy is a little klutzy -- Tonks had to get her clumsiness from somewhere, yes? *giggles* Thanks for another review!
Wow, the ending was a surprise. I wasn't sure who was telling the story. Anyway, I really liked this. It was very different and original, and some of the lines were just so chilling. The bit about the bird being caught was - I don't know if lovely is the right word - haunting or fitting, I think. Great job.
Author's Response: Sorry it\'s taken me so long to respond! I\'m glad you were surprised by the ending -- I was sort of going for the shock factor. I\'m not quite sure where the idea came from for this story, but I was feeling sort of down when I wrote it -- looking back, it seems very dark. Glad you liked it! ~Nadia
Haha, loved James's story! This idea is so creative, and the rhymes at the beginning are great, too.
Hope you update soon - I want to know who's next! :D
This is really interesting so far! I love the switches between Head Mattering and the journal entries. Can't wait to see where this goes from here. =)
Author's Response: Thank you! I just sent off the second chapter to my wonderful Beta reader so I\'m hoping to have the next chapter before December 1st...no promises but I will try!
Wow, this is so great! I love the plot and the way you've written all the characters. Can't wait until your next update. =)
Well, you’ve got my attention! =D
It was a really good start. Your narrator seems very interesting, and Sirius was intriguingly mysterious. I can’t wait to see where you’re going with the plot.
One thing - in this paragraph:
‘You see, I’m a murder,’ he said, smiling slightly at the look I was giving him, as he got to his feet and dusted off his robes.
‘A murderer?’ I said, amazed. He looked nothing like a murder. Murders didn’t have straight noses and aristocratic good-looks — they had club feet!
You ‘murder’ instead of ‘murderer’ a couple of times. Just a minor thing.
Great job - I’ll be looking for your next update! =)
Author's Response: Thanks so much for picking out the mistakes! I fixed them. :) And thanks for the review, glad you liked the chapter.
Yay, yay, yay! It's up! I love this chapter.
You're wonderful. =)
Author's Response: And I just sent you a PM about this. Ha. It\'s finally up! Yay time to celebrate!
Well, I haven't read your chaptered story, but this made sense. And, I'll definitely be checking out said chaptered story in a few moments. =) Anyway, I really liked this. I loved the dialogue between Andromeda and Lucius - you could see they cared for each other, but also the differences that will (most likely) cause problems between them. Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the nice review! :D I love this pairing, and it\'s nice to know I might be persuading others . . . or at least spreading the idea. ;)
Yay for tiny Andromeda/Ted moments! I loved all their glances and smiles - it was very cute. :)
Anyway, you've done a great job of fleshing out Ted's character so far. All of his quirks makes him seem like a real person, and his narration is very easy to read. And I really like that he and Aveline seem comfortable around each other; it makes it believable that they're best friends.
Well, now I'm off to the next chapter. I want to see if Ted's about to find himself in a bit of trouble... *clicks* :)
Author's Response: Lol. Thanks for all the compliments. I tried my best to get across both flaws and strengths, as well as relationships. :] I\'m glad you\'re enjoying this so far.
It was a little bit of a surprise when it's Andromeda narrating this chapter, but I really liked the change. It's cool to see both her and Ted's point of view and what they think about each other.
I really like the way you write Andromeda, too. Her descriptions of life at home and of her life at Hogwarts seem like they could be canon. Her "relationship" with Raphael, who seems like the biggest jerk ;), is an interesting twist, and I'm excited to see what's going to happen with him next. That last line looks pretty promising.
I'm very much enjoying this story so far! :)
Author's Response: Haha. Well when I began thinking about writing this, I realized I didn\'t want to write in third person. I almost always write in first person anyways. However, I couldn\'t see writing from just one point of view. Andromeda kept popping up and stating her views so I let her have it. :] I rather thought throwing Raphael in was cliche but I was willing to take the risk. I rather saw her family setting her up early on in life like they did in the old days with royal families.
Go Ted! I kept waiting for him to get up and take out Raphael, and I was very happy that when he punched him. :)
I love that Sirius gave Andromeda the star pin, and her comment about him was sad and sweet at the same time.
Update soon, please! I want to see if Ted ends up with that reward kiss. :)
Author's Response: These are the best comments. It\'s awesome to see how well the readers are connecting with the characters. :] I\'ve sent the fourth chapter to my betas but I fear they\'re both on vacation. So as soon as I get that back and make the changes, you can expect a new chapter. :]
Wow, that was great! The writing style was something I really haven't seen before, and the originality of it made it very interesting to read.
That one symbolizes death, death, the absence of life, death, the loss of life, death, the loss of light as one is consumed by eternal darkness. This line in particular is so haunting; it was one of my favorites. I loved the way you repeated death throughout the sentence.
One thing I noticed: He watched it pass through James Potters’ body... Your apostrophe should be in between the 'r' and the 's.' But that's just a minor thing.
Oh, and Matarse - is that Spanish for 'to kill oneself'? My translation could be off, but in any case, the title caught my attention!
Great job! :)