Penname: FeatherTrader [Contact]
Real name: Danielle
Member Since: 05/09/06
Website:
Beta-reader: 1
Status: Member
Bio:
[Report This]
Reviews by FeatherTrader
 

Flibbertigibbet by Hermione_Rocks
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 13]

Summary: Narcissa Black is called a word that she does not know the definition of. Curious to find out the meaning, she strikes up a conversation with Severus Snape.



A light, short piece showing a snippet of Narcissa's time at Hogwarts.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 881 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/10/07 Updated: 06/18/07


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 06/20/07 Title: Chapter 1: Flibbertiggibet

I adore the random-ness of this story. It seems like such an 'out there' topic to write a one-shot on, but you tied it together wonderfully. This was an interesting glance into how Severus and Narcissa interacted with everyone in Slytherin.

My favorite part of this story was in the beginning, while Bellatrix defended Narcissa, even though she didn't know what she was defending Narcissa from. I thought it was a good piece of insight of their relationship.

Also, I enjoyed your characterisation of Severus. I've always found him a difficult character to right, but you portrayed him perfectly in the situation. I marveled at his stoic-like attitude, despite Narcissa's various efforts to gain the definition.

Overall, wonderful one-shot!

Author's Response: :D I got the idea for this story from a challenge on another site, which was to *randomly* pick a word from one of dictionary.com\'s past \'word of the day\'s. This word popped up, and a random bunny was born. ;)

I\'m glad you liked Narcissa and Bellatrix\'s *brief* interaction, and Severus\' portrayal. I love writing about Sevy. :D Thanks for the nice review!

 

Nightmares by Sarakime
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 3]

Summary: Eerie darkness suffocated him in the dead of night. Silence drifted through the many halls of the mansion; his only unreal companion. He was alone - alone with his nightmares.

Categories: Dark/Angsty Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 889 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
06/30/07 Updated: 07/02/07


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 07/04/07 Title: Chapter 1: Nightmares

Wow. This one-shot is extremely powerful. It justifies everything Draco has been through, and his reactions to all those times at Hogwarts.

The ennunciation of his emotions was one of my favourite parts of this one-shot. It added your own style of writing into it, and made it a more interesting read. Yet, even with you telling the reader his emotions flat out, you still went about putting them into his actions and dialogues. So, editing the phrase slightly, you showed the reader and told them how he felt. It was truly unique.

I really like how the nightmares started young, and gradually worked their way until he was older, and the arguments seemed to be more brutal and the consequences more dire. It helped the reader to sympathize with what he had gone through.

One of my favourite banters between Lucius and Draco was, “The Dark Lord is not my destiny.” Only to be replied with, "THE HELL HE IS!" by Lucius. I just love the characterization you put into the arguments. It really showed the different aspects of the pure-blood pair, especially with Draco. Although he still carried that Draco-like cold atmosphere about him and the verbal attacks that strike below the belt; he finally stood up for himself. The different nightmares also helped make his characterization more believable.

You just couldn’t help but hint at the Draco/Hermione pairing, could you? (lol) =]

Overall, fantastic one-shot. I thought it was simply amazing. I think you made a very wise choice to turn this from a drabble to the one-shot.

Author's Response: It\'s funny, because the ennunciation of the emotions, as you said, only came as an afterthought while making it a one-shot. I was able to add an extra dream in order to write an emotion I wanted to show, and made the very ending words tie up like I wanted. =]

Of *course* I had to hint Dramione. ;) You know me!

Thank you so much for your wonderful review, and for betaing this story, too! *huggles* If you are not in SPEW, I think you should really look into it, Danielle!

 

Coloring the Darkness by Sarakime
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 18]

Summary: Draco Malfoy is unpacking with his wife to start his new life at Malfoy Manor, but is angered when bad childhood memories fill his mind. Will Draco be able to let go of the bad memories in order to make happy ones?



Written for the June One-Shot Patronus Challenge by Sarakime of Slytherin (even though the summary does not imply that).



Categories: Hermione/Draco Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2431 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/06/07 Updated: 07/06/07


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 07/23/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Wonderful! Each time I read something Dramione you write it just seems so natural.

The way you set the story up with the memories was simply genius. It made the rest of the story flow quite nicely. Also, I thought the way you portrayed Narcissa was very fitting. I really liked how she was the one who babied him, while his father disagreed on the way she raised him.

He remembered his mother telling him the story of Salazar Slytherin, and his snakes.

You don't need a comma after Slytherin. I'm not sure why, but every time I read 'Salazar Slytherin and his snakes' I laugh. Goes without saying that the wording in this sentence is perfect. =]

The pet names between Draco and Hermione fit really nicely. Although normally Draco calling something 'darling' outside of sarcasm would seem forced and out of character, here you gave it a reason and it worked.

Ever since he had joined the Order after sixth year (instead of running to Voldemort and ensuring his death for betrayal), they had become close.

Sixth-year needs a hyphen. (Wow, I'm being nit-picky today.)

It did take a hell of a while, though, he thought, remembering the times that she, Harry and Ron would glare at him during meetings. But eventually, they had come around — after many bottles of Veritaserum to make sure I was telling the truth.

I had to read this a few times to understand what was going on. In the one-shot, you're missing the italics to show that Draco is thinking certain parts of the sentence. Very small thing, but when you have easily confused readers like me, it's best to just continue with the thoughts in italics.

The silver feline, in all her silver glory, crawled in the air for a moment, stretching her muscles, before she pounced glanced at Draco.

The majestic imagery is here amazing. It draws a parallel between Patronus and wizard. Very nicely put. Although, I think you're missing an 'and' between 'pounced' and 'glanced'.

The Patronus gender threw me off a bit. In the middle, when Draco is explaining why his Patronus is a panther, he goes on to explain the characteristics of a male panther, and how they are competitive and what not. However, in the end, his Patronus is referred to as a female. The explanation of the male panther just seems a bit out of place...

I think that idea that Draco would use his Patronus to relay a message to Hermione keeps the tone in the one-shot very light, which is a unique quality in this challenge entry.

Overall, this is beautifully written.

Author's Response: Ahh! *huggles Danielle tightly* You and your reviews are so amazing!! Thank you so much for your kind words, and I\'ll fix those errors. Sorry they confused you. :D Thanks again!!

 

A Suggestion by For the Love of Fru
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 5]

Summary: One suggestion. Five measly words was all it took to change Sirius Black's life forever.


Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1588 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/17/07 Updated: 07/22/07


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 07/23/07 Title: Chapter 1: A Suggestion

Sirius! *squees*

I think you hit Sirius's characterisation head-on. I've always pictured him to be someone a little fearful to commit to a person, no matter how loyal he was. Also, the way you managed to work the Marauder-like humour into this one-shot was amazing.

“Married?” he repeated, stopping short.

Perfect reaction. I really like how you didn't go into much explanation in this section, but at the same time, we knew exactly what Sirius was thinking.

“Are you drunk a bit?” Sirius asked tentatively.

Through-out the one-shot some of Sirius's dialogue seemed a bit...off. Like above. I think it would have flowed better and seemed more natural if 'a bit' had gone before 'drunk.' Or, instead of 'Are' it could have been 'Have.' The wording just seemed awkward.

I simply adored how Sirius kept trying to interject with 'Yeah, but' and then Myra would just keep ranting. It gave the conversation more of the arguing feeling, which was what it really needed for the final closure.

James has liked Lily for years and you just knew they’d end up together.

You're missing a comma between 'years' and 'and'.

“Don’t–it’s not a club, Myra.” Sirius said with a hint of warning in his voice.

I really like how you've managed Sirius's frustration in these parts, where he'd start a sentence one way, and then change his mind. Although, it shouldn't be a full stop after Myra but a comma.

He resembled a puppy pleased to have done something right.

This is my favourite sentence in this entire one-shot, hands down. The imagery is wonderful, and the reader can't help but laugh a little.

Overall, I thought this was a very unique idea. However, I thought the ending was a bit rushed. I felt as if the reader needed a bit more closure; a bit more meaning. What effect did this change have on Sirius's life?

Author's Response: Thanks for your feedback! I\'ve thought about writing a prequel and a sequel to this, but I don\'t know. Anyway, the puppy resemblance is probably my favorite sentence in the story too.

 

Moments by Ravencorgi
Rated: 6th-7th Years [Reviews - 46]

Summary: "We do not remember days; we remember moments."



~Cesare Pavese







What follows is a collection of little memories that make up life: moments, both significant and obscure. A series of vignettes more than anything, that, put together, may paint a picture of the lives of our favorite Marauders. Rating because of language.

Categories: Marauder Era Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded, Character Death

Word count: 20691 Chapters: 8 Completed: Yes
Published:
07/27/07 Updated: 08/25/08


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 08/08/07 Title: Chapter 1: James Potter, the Creepy Kid Who Lives in a Toilet


I love your style of writing. Almost as much as I love Sirius. Well...almost.

There are lots of Marauder Era writers out there, all of them being very talented and having some of the most brilliant plot bunnies for stories, but a good deal of them just don’t seem to flow right because they don’t have the right voice to deal with the Marauder’s personalities. However, your writing style mingles the perfect amount of humour with the just right amount of serious-ness. Usually, when I’m reviewing a piece I quote some of my favourite lines in the story, whether it be for amazing imagery or just a wonderful line of dialogue. Unfortunately, with this chapter, I am guilty of intending to quote just about every other line of dialogue. Nonetheless, that obviously would have made the review even longer than it will end up as it stands at the moment.

I’ll try not to bore you half-way through. =]

James Potter leaned his elbows on the sink, staring at his reflection in the cracked and discolored mirror in the bathroom of the Hogwarts Express.

A tiny nit-picky thing (because I’m in a very nit-picky mood today) is that discolored should rather be discoloured, since the latter is the British spelling.

The first voice rolled its eyes. Well no shit, Sherlock! That’s not what I mean. Actually, that voice got him into trouble too.

Schizophrenia, anyone? Just kidding. Well, the main thing that bothered me about this line was the ‘no shit, Sherlock’ part. First off, I’ve taken to checking slang references ever since I took this Marauder Era class on the forums. Although I couldn’t find a single date where this saying became popular, it emerged in the late twentieth century. So, that would mean 1970s-2000. Technically, it’s okay. The only thing is that this is James Potter thinking it, and since he’s a pure-blood it’s generally accepted that their a bit more behind on popular Muggle slang. All of that aside, I’m not sure if an eleven-year-old boy in the 1970s would say shit.

Great tales would forever proclaim the deeds of James Potter, the Extraordinary Boy Who Is Really, Really Popular.

I love the titles; both the one in the quote above and the one the chapter was titled after. They really give voice to James. Although, after re-reading this quote a few times, I’m starting to wonder if it should perhaps be ‘the Extraordinary Boy Who Was Really, Really Popular’ since he’s referring to forever.

You need to march out there, find a compartment of other scared, first years, continued the voice, and declare yourself emperor of them all.

I love this. All hail emperor James. (Please note here that I’m usually not this hyper in reviews. But your story (and the fact that it’s really late, or rather really early) has me jumping off walls) This was one of my favourite lines. Actually, I’d even dare to say it was my favourite line.

As quickly as it had gone, Sirius’s good humor had returned.

Humour, not humor.

“Broom?! What kind of broom? Is it good? I love Quidditch? Do you play it a lot?” Now Sirius really was shouting, jumping up and down with a puppy-like enthusiasm.

Sirius! *tacklehugs* I really like the hyper-active eleven-year-old personality you’ve given him, and I feel like you’ve hit his characterisation head-on. Wonderful job! Although, I must say, the ‘I love Quidditch’ should have an exclamation or a full stop after it, not a question mark. Unless, of course, that is what you were going for...

“Well, I play Quidditch.” James supplied, in order to break the silence that had descended upon them.

Instead of a period after Quidditch, it should be a comma since ‘supplied’ is a verbal action.

“I’m Peter Pettigrew,” The boy said.

Ahhh. Peter. I’m really interested to see how you characterise him. Watch out, because I’m a die hard ‘let’s all be fair to poor Peter’ person. The point of this quote, however, was to mention that the ‘The’ should be lower-cased.

“Couldn’t agree with you more.” Sirius told it, keeping a surprisingly straight face.

I can very easily see this scene playing out, especially with James sarcastic comment after it. Wonderful job keeping the conversation flowing and releasing the tension between the soon-to-be Marauders. Also, it should be a full stop after more, but a comma.

He forgot about being scared, he forgot to worry about the Sorting and the seven years ahead of him. He even forgot about being alone in the bathroom.

With the pattern of these two sentences, I feel as if they should be made into three. However, if you don’t want to make them into there, there needs to be a semi-colon instead of a comma after ‘scared.’

Overall, I have to congratulate you on a chapter well written. I really adore reading younger scenes of the Marauders, but unfortunately not many of them exist. Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Ahh! Thank you so much! I\'m terrible with Britishisms and with punctuation in general, so your advice really helps! (I did think that James\'s \"no shit, Sherlock\" wasn\'t exactly, erm, accurate, but I love that expression so I just had to include it) I\'m really glad you like this story, and your review was super helpful! And there just might be something about Peter coming up in a few chapters...

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 08/08/07 Title: Chapter 2: The Man on the Moon is a Sadistic, Bloody Bastard


I’m back. =] With another novel for you to read, of course. I’m going to attempt to make this one a shorter than the last, since it sort of got out of hand. But, I apologise in advance for my ranting, even as I do it right now.

It’s really quite remarkable that your style can morph to fit the topic of the chapter so easily, without losing any of its elegance or its flow. Actually, it’s a quite amazing feat.

“You mark my words, now. There’s summat not right in that house, summat not right atall.”

At all. You’re missing a space. (Warning; this review is also filled with several very nit-picky comments. Sorry in advance.)

Trying hard to stay up on his shaking legs, he slowly hobbled across the room, the better to look at the clock on the moldering wall.

This sentence sounds rather awkward, and it took me a few reads to finally get what you meant. Or at least, finally get what I think you meant. First off, it should only be ‘stay on his shaking legs’ instead of the ‘up on.’ Double prepositions are a grammatical no-no. Now, I think the problem in understanding the sentence comes in the latter part. Well, mainly ‘the better to look at the clock.’ Personally, it seems rather wordy and awkward, and, in the end, just doesn’t flow nicely with the rest of your writing style. Maybe you could try rewording to something like ‘to better look at the clock’ or ‘to look at the clock better.’ (Yes, I am aware I called it wordy and in the end only removed one word. >_>)

If there really is a man on the moon, he must be one bloody sadistic bastard, Remus thought bitterly.

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I love the word play here. Also, it really gives the reader a different look on Remus. He is in one of the worse situations a wizard can find themselves in and yet, Remus has the energy to joke about it.

“Err, sorry, I’ve got to, er, hospital wing, think I ate something at dinner, you know?” He stuttered, sounding more like Peter than himself.

There should be a full-stop after ‘hospital wing.’ Also, it would flow better if it was worded ‘I think’ instead of ‘think I.’ Finally, stuttering is a speaking action, so ‘He’
shouldn’t be capitilised. Also, I love the comparison to poor Peter. It really aids the reader in understanding Remus’s tone.

Not for the first, time, he felt guilty for keeping his lycanthropy a secret from his James, Sirius, and Peter.

Awww! I love the possession in this sentence. In such a simple word (his) it deepens the way the reader sees the Remus’s relationship with Sirius, James, and Peter.

In the seven years since he had been bitten, he had seen countless friends, family members, and neighbors distance themselves from him, and wasn’t sure if he could stand it to happen again.

Again, with me trying to be British. It should be neighbours rather than neighbors. Also, you need a ‘he’ between ‘and’ and ‘wasn’t’ to help with the flow and to do the comma in front of ‘and’ justice. Also, I have to say, poor, poor Remus. I really like how you portray him as sad and guilty about not fully trusting his friends without making him come off as pathetic. It’s a very hard balance to find, but you’ve done a fabulous job!

He thought there would be lots of yelling and drama, feelings of betrayal and hurt. He would find himself on the castle doorstep, wondering where to go while lightning flashed in the sky and it rained steadily.

Something about this makes me laugh. I’m not sure what, since it actually would be a really sad scene, but just the idea of Remus imagining it forces a chuckle to my lips. But, in truth, I really do like the image it paints. It’s very soap opra-ish.

“We have got to be the three manliest guys in the world.” James joked after a while, leaning back.

Comma instead of full stop after world. About half-way through you started slipping up on the dialogue punctuation. Speaking of this quote, however, I love how you gave this line to James. It really fits not only his personality but also one of his characteristics of being around the Marauders. He erases the tension and keeps everything light. Well, really I guess it could be argued that Sirius does this also, but it simply seems like a very James-like thing to say.

“But you’re not animals. When you snore you kind of sound like one, but you’re not.”

You seem to really flesh Remus out in this chapter. Normally, when I read Marauder Era stories I feel as if Remus and Peter have been cheated out of ‘good’ characteristics. Well, good isn’t the best word for it. When I say good, I mean...the sort of thing that makes people want to be around you. However, in this chapter you give Remus a unique trait of his own that fits him in quite nicely to the Marauder dynamics. We’ve seen how James and Sirius can banter back in force with their own off handed comments, but Remus has the ability to take something and twist it. Very nicely done.

“We’re not right now.” James stated proudly, his glasses glinting in the light from the fireplace.

This could be argued, James. (It should be a comma instead of a full-stop.)

Remus snorted. “And ever so modest.”

I love this line. I can really see it sort of being Remus’s place to keep the Marauders (especially James and Sirius) in check. After all, Dumbledore did make him prefect for this suspected reason.

“Shhh Jamesie!” Sirius mock-scolded. “Our widdle moon-munchkin wants to sleep!” Remus snorted again.

There should be a comma before Jamesie. So, so far we have the ‘widdle moon-munchkin’ and ‘Emperor James.’ Who’s next? =]

Then Sirius took a quill and ink out of his pocket and deftly drew a unibrow over Remus’s forehead.

Does a better ending to a fanfiction chapter even exist? =] It really takes such a serious chapter that gradually grows to be more light-hearted and humourous and just forces the reader to laugh. Wonderful job.

So, in my attempt to be short and to the point, I think I only succeeded in making this review longer than the last one. Sorry to have bored you half to death. Overall though, you’re really doing a fantastic job. This scene was really quite unique in the idea that the Marauders were really accepting towards Remus’s condition and didn’t make a big scene over it. Keep up the fantastic writing!

Author's Response: Another great review! Don\'t worry, these aren\'t boring; they\'re probably the most helpful reviews. I apologize to all those commas, I think I might possibly understand them somewhat now! Thank you so so so much!

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 01/21/08 Title: Chapter 3: The Marauders' Halloween Special

Yey! At the moment, I'm ecstatic. You see, I was forced to take a break from MNFF, simply because my life had become slightly hectic. But when I finally found time to come back, one of the first things I set out to do (or at least the first thing I decided I had to read) was this story. I quite literally went through every story that dates back to August in the Marauder category. Yet, since I couldn't remember any exact titles, this became incredibly difficult. Well, finally I realized that instead of looking at the first chapters, I was looking at the last, and after going through the category several times, I found your story. And now I'm happy. And now that I'm done rambling, I can begin my actual thoughts. =]

First off, I feel it absolutely necessary to mention that I love your characterization of the Marauders. Not only did you hit the brotherly personalities of James and Sirius on the head, and the book-wormish personality of Remus, but you also did Peter justice. Finally, he's not just a tag-along that they actually didn't care about. *hugspoor,poorPeter*

You really made each individual character stand out in the paragraph about how they each react to being angry. As a reader, I can really see their personalities shine through in that one paragraph.

Right now, he was fulfilling this unwritten duty by hooking Peter and Remus’s arms around his and skipping down the dark street.

Is it just me, or does this paint one of the most perfect and funniest moments I've read about in a long time? Leave it to Sirius to do such a random thing. This just adds to my argument that you have a fantastical handle on the group dynamics. I'm so jealous of you.

I'm really curious to see if Jill has a significance in chapters to come, or if she's just a comic relief sort of thing. Although, I'm almost just as curious as why Sirius has eye-liner on hand... But I like how awe struck the boys where upon her entrance. It seems very classical fourteen-year-old boy-ish.

“For meeee? For little Padfoot? Look at the puppy-dog eyes, look at them!”

Oh, how could you even think of denying him, Remus? This is probably my favourite line in this chapter. After all, how can you dislike anything that comes from "little Padfoot"'s mouth?

Keep up the amazing writing. Sorry for the review lacking in the constructive-ness.

Author's Response: I come back from an uber-stressful calc final, and then I see two GINORMOUS reviews...day just got that much better ^_^ Anyway, glad you finally found my story and glad you still like it. Jill...was an OC that I really wish I hadn\'t introduced. I was going to feature her more later on, but then I decided that this story is really about the Marauders, not my twisted vision of their classmates. But maybe I\'ll put her in another story, I rather liked her. Thanks bunches for the great review!

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 01/22/08 Title: Chapter 4: From the Bottom of the Ladder

Sirius with pink hair? Well...girls do like pink. No worries, Sirius, I still love you.

Your portrayal or Peter was, what I think, dead on. After all, he couldn't have been but so much of a follower; he was a Marauder. For some reason, I especially liked how occasionally the thought of what his life would be like without the Marauders drifted across his mind, yet he never really focused on it.

When James told him to transform into a rat, I was just waiting for him to get swallowed whole. It demonstrates the half-baked theme that some of their pranks and ideas tend to follow. They always have that extra variable, that hasn't really been thought through properly. I mean, what would they have done if Peter had been injured? They wouldn't have even been there to save him. How much harder would it have been for Sirius to become a dog and scare the cat away? It really captures the dynamics of who's more important than who.

And sorry, but no review is complete without a few nit-picky comments. =]

Peter struggled to understand down what Professor Binns said about Giant-Goblin treaties.

I don't think you meant for down to be there.

Also, in the third section, in paragraph four, there's two pieces of dialogue that run together. Also, there should be an extra space in the third section, paragraphs thirty-six and thirty-seven.

“Yes, but that was teeth. Noses, strange as it may seem, are very different from teeth.”

Really, James? I never would have known...

First off, this is my favourite line for multiple reasons. Obviously, it's funny and oozing with sarcasm. Yet, I think one of the most interesting aspects of it is, even when Peter comes up with a good point, a good idea, he still doesn't get much to any praise from it. Instead, he's at the end of another one of James's sarcastic remarks. Which fits the situation perfectly, mind you, yet, just like when the Marauders left him, puts a twist in my stomach.

I have a feeling this is going to be my favourite chapter of this entire fanfic, simply because of how much Peter there is and how much justification to his character is done.

Also, one a slightly belated note, for I'm sure you've already been informed or have simply found a way around it, you can get a good beta reader from MNFF forums, or PI. On the forums, you have the option of putting up an 'ad' for your story, or searching through threads upon threads of them. I, for one, would be willing to beta it if you're still in need. I'm PI accredited, also, so I'm somewhat decent.

Author's Response: Thanks again! My reviewing feels so feeble compared to these. And thanks also for the beta offer! It\'ll probably be a while until my next chapter, though.

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 01/22/08 Title: Chapter 5: Black of Night

I have to say, I simply adore your ability to take a sensitive topic and treat it respectively yet add a humourous twist to it at the same time. It's a remarkable ability. For instance, most tellings of the fateful day that Sirius left the Blacks for good are filled with angst and drama. And while this chapter does have its share of these emotions, it also has a good amount of Sirius's characterization added into it. Which is, I think, I necessary addition that many people forget about.

The scenery was ingenious. I really enjoyed the foreshadowing the violent storm gave to the chapter. Especially how the sky slowly turned black until it was completely covered; it seemed rather symbolic of the steady decline with Sirius’s family relations until it was just all hatred.

“A Mudblood, and a Gryffindor. And your son was flirting with her.”

I adore how his family refers to him. Cruel, yes. But it really gives the Blacks more dimensions. To me, it’s like saying, “Hey, this person-who-is-so-horrible-I-don’t-want-to-have-anything-to-do-with-him-and-it’s-all-your-fault-he-exists messed up again.” But that might just be me. Also, on a rather nit-picky note, there should be a comma between ‘Mudblood’ and ‘and.’

“We’ve known for a long time that he isn’t decent, Orion.” Walburga said harshly.

Ouch. Poor Sirius. I think you handled this whole scene very nicely. Although, I would think that Sirius might feel a little remorse at being put down so frequently. Yet at the same time, I suppose the point is that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the Blacks anymore. Also, it should be a comma, not a period after Orion.

“HOW DARE YOU POINT THAT AT ME! SCUM! YOU’LL BE EXPELLED, AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU RUN?”

Sorry, Orion. I do believe you’re incorrect here. I’m relatively sure that magic can be performed in a magical household by underage wizards and witches. Of course, not legally, but there’s no way for the Ministry to trace it. Although, I suppose Orion could always go turn Sirius in or something, although I doubt that would be enough to get him expelled. Mind you, I’m not a hundred percent sure about the underage magic bit.

The last thing Sirius heard in that house for many years was his brother yelling his name, almost pleading, but in his rage, he didn’t register it.

Awww. Poor Regulus. This sentence actually sprouted an idea for a one-shot. I really loved the description of Regulus here. As a writer, you’re really good at characterizing your characters without coming straight out and telling the reader their certain actions or their dialogues. I suppose what I’m trying to say is you’re really good at subtly dropping hints as to what makes them tick. Like, I can imagine Regulus standing there in a sort of trance. Him realizing that all of the pressure has been transferred onto him; there’s no one else to divert his parent’s attention. And the fact that he no longer has a tangible brother. A brother that’s always there for him, I mean. Not that he ever really did, but still… (I have a horrid habit of rambling. Sorry about that. =])

Overall, I’m really fond of this chapter. And no, it’s not just because it’s centered on Sirius…although that might have a lot to do with it. Keep up the amazing writing.

Author's Response: Interesting bit about Regulus...I didn\'t really think of it that in depth... And yeah, Orion is overreacting a little bit. But thanks for the review.

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 01/22/08 Title: Chapter 6: An Exceptional Christmas

Awww! This chapter was simply adorable. It dodged a lot of the more popular clichés, and yet still showed a canon-applicable portrayal of when Lily first began to realize that James really wasn’t that bad.

I’ve always thought Lily to be hard to write, simply because it’s hard to find that balance between too mean and not strict enough. Here, I think you showed her wonderfully. I’ve never thought Lily to be a cold-hearted character, actually, I’ve always thought her to be quite the opposite, but depending on the situation, obviously the writer has to gauge themselves.

They’d just had to celebrate their twenty-fifth anniversary with a cruise for two during the one holiday when none of Lily’s friends were staying at Hogwarts.

I like the subtle ways you showed Lily was annoyed. It makes me have a certain amount of pity for her. Yet, it makes my curious mind start asking loads of questions. Like, where did Petunia stay? And, why didn’t she stay with one of her friends? But, that’s just me being curious. Also, being nit-picky, it should just be they, not they’d.

James and Sirius running rampant across the common room? Why couldn’t I be there? It was a really fun scene to read, yet made a few important points about the characters. Like the fact that Sirius doesn’t really have much money anymore (which makes me wonder how he paid for the gifts (Damn my abnormally high curiosity levels (Is this grammatically correct to have parenthesis in parenthesis?))). But, probably my favourite thing about the entire scene was the fact that James was the reindeer. After all a reindeer…a stag… I love when I actually understand allusions in pieces of writing.

Also, I’m relatively sure that it should be common room, opposed to Common Room. Although, I could be horribly mistaken.

“Say trusty reindeer, Blitzen or whoever you are?”

I love this. Especially how it’s followed by, “Yes, Father Christmas?” Not the mention the whole idea of Sirius and James attempting to sing Muggle songs and make Muggle references, and failing miserably. Also, on a more serious note, I think it’s interesting how you chose Sirius to have a hint of Muggle knowledge. I would imagine he had little to none from living with the Blacks, yet while living with James and being in the Gryffindor house, he’s learned a limited amount.

Overall, wonderful chapter. And I’m sure you’re tired of hearing it, yet I can’t resist saying it; update soon. =]

Author's Response: Yeah, I thought I might have made Lily a little too cynical, but I guess it works. I always imagine James and Sirius running amok in the Muggle World; if indeed wizard Christmas carols are different, that\'s probably where they get the Muggle versions. Thank you!

 

Vernon's Revelations by Sazzarah
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 16]

Summary: Vernon Dursley, in hiding with his wife and son, comes to make two shocking revelations that uproot all he has ever believed. One is to do with magic, and the other, with his nephew Harry Potter.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 1343 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
08/02/07 Updated: 08/07/07


Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 08/07/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Wow! I really liked the emotion behind this; it matched quite nicely with your writing style. On that note, you have an extremely unique writing style. Usually, when writers use so many ellipses at the endings of paragraphs it leaves the reader in confusion and feeling like the writer has just up and left them, but you handled it really well. Actually, I thought it added a lot to the one-shot and meshed well with Veron’s personality.

He was, honestly, quite a bit better looking.

First off, I think you captured Vernon’s characterization quite nicely. Although, after reading this sentence in the first paragraph I felt like it was missing something. This sentence, to me, is a comparison. But, we don’t find out until the third paragraph what exactly you were comparing Vernon to. Overall, it was just a tad confusing.

Then he took into account the other ways that living with the wizard and witch down the hall.

You’re missing something at the end of this sentence. Maybe, ‘had changed their lives’ or ‘had made life a good deal easier’.

They would be in their own home on Privet Drive, with their well-watered lawn and Dudley attending boxing matches at Smelting’s.

This sentence is worded wonderfully. It has all the Vernon-like pride and loathing. Even though he has gained a lot from his guardians (protection, a new car, a better appearance, ect.) he still wants to be back in his own house living a magic-free life.

Then Petunia sat up in bed, and Vernon looked at her chin-length blond hair and appraised the lack of wrinkles and sagging, he decided that yes, he did quite like magic.

I’m not sure what to think of this new and improved Vernon. Part of me is saying he’s out of character here, but the other part of me is saying it’s justified. Basically, I guess it comes down to the face that in order for him to suddenly appreciate and approve of magic it casts him in a very vain light, but has Vernon really been that vain in the books? Petunia is often described as having a too long neck, but he married her. And he doesn’t seem too bothered by his overweight appearance, or if he does we don’t see it. Nonetheless, this sentence still made me laugh.

Vernon made his way down the steps that led outside, and gave the dewy air and appreciative whiff, clutching his briefcase in his hands. With his new looks, he got a lot more respect, and nods from neighbors.

A few very nit-picky things about these two sentences. First, you don’t need the comma after outside. Second, neighbors is the American spelling, neighbours is the British one. So, it should be neighbours, not neighbors.

“Outrageous,” Mr. Dursley murmured, reaching up to tug on his mustache and then remembered that he lacked one, “Absolutely outrageous…”

It should be a full stop after ‘lacked one.’

I really like this characteristic you’ve given Vernon, though. I love how through-out the one-shot he keeps repeating things. It gives him the feeling of being very...unbelieving? It’s like he’s caught on a single thing and just can’t accept it. Very well done. =]

If there was anything that Vernon Dursley did not like- aside from slow cars, warm beer and vegetables- it was being left out of the loop.

This, hands down, is my favourite sentence in the entire piece. Absolutely wonderful. It really moves the story along and adds a nice amount of humour to it. Very well done.

“Today is a day of rejoicing, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Who-Gives-a-Damn-If-We-Name-Him-Anymore has finally fallen at the hands of Harry Potter!”

Wow. That’s a very long hyphenated string of words. =] I love the idea though. Personally, I think that he will always be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to many wizards; either that or the variant you chose, which, I must say, is incredibly creative.

Basically, it all comes down to the fact that this was a wonderful bunny, and you wrote it with a one of a kind style that really added a lot to it. Keep up the wonderful writing!

Oh, and sorry for the long-ish very nit-picky review. I probably bored you half to death about half way through.

Author's Response: You didn\'t bore me at all- in fact, I found it very helpful. I wrote this in three hours and was so excited that I actually finished a story- it\'s a big deal for me xD- that I submitted it right away without getting a beta. I\'ll remember to do so next time; but for now I just fixed all the errors that you pointed out. Thanks again for the compliments & criticism! 8D

 
Reviewer: FeatherTrader Signed
Date: 08/07/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Wow! I really liked the emotion behind this; it matched quite nicely with your writing style. On that note, you have an extremely unique writing style. Usually, when writers use so many ellipses at the endings of paragraphs it leaves the reader in confusion and feeling like the writer has just up and left them, but you handled it really well. Actually, I thought it added a lot to the one-shot and meshed well with Veron’s personality.

He was, honestly, quite a bit better looking.

First off, I think you captured Vernon’s characterization quite nicely. Although, after reading this sentenc