Interesting. Wonderful plot bunny by the way, it was intriguing to see the story told from the opposite perspective. Out of curiosity, did you have any particular Death Eater in mind when you wrote it? Or were you just imagining the Death Eaters in general?
The only Brit pick I found was; ‘Rumor has it that our lord gave the Potter woman a chance to live, but I’ll never know why.’ ‘Rumor’ is the American version of ‘Rumour.’ Wonderful job on keeping the grammar mistakes out of this one-shot. Usually, I can at least pick up on one or two. (lol)
My favourite line was ‘“It’s not a good story, my son. We lost.”’ I think it’s sort of ironic. The child’s innocence comes into play and it just makes the situation sort of...funny. Or maybe it’s just me. Overall, this defiantly was an interesting one-shot. Keep up the fantastic writing!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I\'m glad you found my little POV reversal interesting. When I wrote this was actually thinking of the Notts, but it could apply to any Death Eater family. Although, I personally have a differnt view of the Malfoys.
Those Bristish u\'s. The funny thing is words are spelled like that here too, but everyone is so used to American stuff that we all spell that way!
Again, thank you for the review, and I\'m glad you enjoyed. :D
Wow. Very dark/angsty chapter, but I think you got your characterisation of Draco and Lucius quite nicely. But poor Draco. Only six and all ready getting an Unforgivable Curse. I also thought it was nice how you explained how Draco had several layers to his personality, and that he hid the core by his fake bad attitude.
My favourite line would have to be, ‘Their movements were rigid — nearly stone-like, and their voices were dangerous whispers singing along to the melody of hate.’ I’m not sure why I like it so much, but the imagery is absolutly wonderful. It just makes you sit there and think about it for a moment, especially the ‘melody of hate’ part.
Overall, I think you did a wonderful job with this chapter, and I’m looking forward to where you’re going to take the vampire edge. It seems quite interesting to think of, since you would think that the Death Eaters and the vampires had some form of contact since some vampires are on Vodlemort’s side. Anyway, very nice chapter, and hopefully you’ll update soon.
Written for the Extra Credit Challenge by Cruciatus Love of Slytherin.
I like how you started and finished the AU challenge with dialogue, and the rest was pure thoughts and reasoning to what Draco was going to do. I especially thought it was interesting how Draco seemed to linger on the fact that it was Dumbledore that sent his father to Azkaban and that he wanted revenge for him. It kind of shows Draco in a new light; a better light.
I think my favourite line in the one-shot was, ‘For everyone that tried and failed numerous times to kill the one man who stood in the way of the Dark Lord and his never-ending reign.’ Like I said before, it justifies why Draco was so determined to kill Dumbledore, even though he refers to him as ‘the poor man.’
Best of luck in the challenge.
Author's Response: Thanks, Sour.Apple. I rather like this one-shot myself, as it shows a different side of Draco without falling into the fanon!Draco category. Thanks for the review!
Wow. Just...wow. The emotion in this one-shot is absolutely wonderful. The language and the way you worded your sentences makes everything seem really fragile and and cherishable, which is exactly the feeling I think you wanted your readers to get about their love. It really makes you stop and think about Lily and Remus as a couple. Although, I must admit it would have been even more interesting to see a bit more of James’s feelings towards the marriage. It seemed as if you had a whole back story planned out, but I can see that it would have been difficult to make it fit without making it feel forced.
Remus gazed down at her, his whiskey-colored eyes lidded.
Maybe I’m just being abnormally thick this morning, but this sentence is really confusing me. If you had only wrote, ‘His whiskey-coloured eyes were lidded.' I would think they were mean that they were closed. However, Remus was gazing at her, an action that usually requires the eyes to be open.
Also, colored is the American spelling, it should really be coloured, the British one.
His pristine features were filled with disdain and his careless hair fell into his eyes with casual elegance.
You’re missing a comma between ‘disdain’ and ‘and.’
I love the description of Sirius here. It’s really a quite simple explanation, but it paints a very nice image. Wonderful job! Although, I can’t help but wonder why Sirius seemed so upset in the dress shop with Remus, but afterwards and at the wedding he was his normal, friendly self. Was it simply the fact that he was in a dress shop? Or was it because it was tired of being in the awkward tension of the middle between James and Remus?
“I’m gonna get dress. Meet you outside,” Sirius said, tugging his bow tie off and curling it around his fist.
It should be dressed, rather than dress.
Remus shrugged. “Her sister is coming in for the wedding. Taking a muggle aeroplane, I hear. Lily’s meeting her when she arrives.”
Muggle should be capitalized.
I really liked how this lead into the next section with Lily and Petunia at the house. It really helped with the flow between the point-of-views switching and everything. It made it feel really natural.
“I’m just surprise that he wants to go.”
You’re missing the ‘d’ on the end of surprised.
Lily’s voice was like bitter chocolate: It seemed sweet and good, but everyone knew the inside was dead and pasty tasting.
You really have a talent at imagery. This sentence it absolutely amazing. When I read this sentence, I can practically hear Lily talking in her fake-sweet voice, trying to be patient and keep her sister happy. Wonderful job! =]
James smiled softly with small eyes, and he looked like a man who had shattered and glued himself back together.
This is my favourite sentence in the entire one-shot. Without even knowing the current relationship between the wedding couple and James, my heart goes out to him. I think it’s really interesting how you managed to capture his heart break and sadness without ever mentioning how sad he looked.
Holding it to their entwined fingers, he said, “We bond this love. We bond this marriage.”
I think it should be bind. Bond just sounds rather awkward to me.
Overall, this was really quite amazing. You have a true gift with imagery. I’ve never really been that interested in Lily/Remus, but I must admit you’ve lit a spark inside me to go read more. =]
Wow. I love how you characterised Bella. First how she was slightly frightened by the spirit, then annoyed, and finally at the edge of insanity. Wonderful job. Especially the ending.
However, I did find a few, small mistakes. Like ’Grimacing at her surrouncings, she figured she should add a few more protections.’ Surrouncing should be surroundings. And then She folded up her hood and laid her mask on top of it, conjuring up a bed and a fire, placing a shield spell around her small enclosurethat protected her, not only from attacks, but also snow. Enclosure and that should be two separate words. Overall though, it was mistake free!
The only thing that didn’t seem like something Bella would do was leave the forest so easily, without trying again. She doesn’t seem like the type to fail Voldemort without trying several more times to complete the mission. From the way you set it up I suspect she wanted to leave to escape Adromeda, but in that particular section some more details probably would have been good. Overall, though, wonderful story! Best of luck in the challenges. Go Slytherins!
I love your plot bunny. It’s really something different from what I’ve read in the other entries. It’s really unique. I would have thought brining Adromeda and Bella together on Christmas would have been a difficult and complicated thing, but you made it seem so simple!
First, a few nit-picks I picked up on. I know we’re not close anymore and we never will be again. Since this is a compound sentence, you need a comma before the and. Second, Andromeda through her arms around her sister’s shoulders. Through should be threw. But overall, the fanfic was pretty much blemish free.
My favourite line was “Rodolphus wouldn’t notice if I purchased a small island. He’s not much of financial manager.” Firstly because it’s humourous. Secondly because it gives up a glimpse at Bella and Rodolphus’ relationship. But I mainly like it because I can see Bella saying it. . . and it’s funny.
Best of luck in the challenge. Go Slytherins!
Author's Response: Awww, thanks so much for leaving a review. *huggles* I\'m glad you liked it.
To me, bringing Bella and Andromeda together at Christmas is simple. I know they have more than there fair share of problems and differences, but they are sisters, and I believe that they do love each other. I don\'t think Bella could really hurt her family.
Thanks for pointing out me errors. I\'ll correct those. I hate having little things like that in my stroy so I always like to know when they\'re there to get rid of them.
Hehe! I\'m glad you liked my small island line. It\'s one of my favorite lines too.br> Thanks so much for the review! :D
Awww. This parody is really cute. For some reason I can just see Ginny sitting by the window in The Burrow reciting it. Wonderful choice of characters and song.
The only grammatical mistake I saw was in And snow falls on the Hogwarts grounds, Hogwarts should be Hogwart’s since it’s possessive. But beside from the small apostrophe missing, everything else was perfect.
My favourite part of this poem was how you used the ellipses. I’m not completely sure why, but to me it makes Ginny’s wish more genuine. Almost like she’s hesitant about thinking about it, but then she’s positive about the fact that she wants it. Hopefully, that last sentence made some sense. Best of luck in the challenge! Go snakes!
Author's Response: Thanks for the comments...I\'ll go and change that now (and hope that all the
tags don\'t come up)... eep. Anyway, I\'m glad that you liked it! *hugs* ~Suzie x
Author's Response: hahaha...I forgot that [br] tags would work on reviews too... *hides*
Awww! What a cute way to bring the Weasley family back together on Christmas. It's a very unique one-shot. I can't help but point at a few minor nitpicks, though. =]
Every room of the house had been inspected and swept, decorations were hanging everywhere. After the comma, there should be an 'and' linking the two sentences together. Otherwise you have a comma splice, and that's just not good. Although, I think it's necessary to mention that I really like this sentence. It seems to add a good deal to Molly's character as a mum without her children. Everything is still in its top working condition: no exceptions.
“That’s okay, Mum!” said Ginny in laughter. “We can do that later. Harry’s going to be there in a minute.” Small typo. Harry isn't going to be there, he's going be here, at the Burrow.
“It’s always a pleasure, dear. Now, give me your trunk, I’ll take care of it. Your room is ready upstairs; it’s Fred’s and George’s old one, so you’ll have plenty of space. Ginny, you can go rest before dinner if you need to.” I really like the commanding personality you've gifted Molly with. Although, she's always been a bit commanding about what's to be done in the books, I like how you took it to a new level here. Even when her children have their freedom and are coming back for a visit, she's still taking the opportunity to have things done her way. However, there should be an and after trunk, since it's two commands. And it's Fred and George's room, not Fred's and George's.
Because it was the simple truth: they really were happy together. I really like how you relate the carolers (which if I'm remembering correctly were a requirement to the challenge) to the Weasleys, and then have Molly make the analogy between the two families.
She always wanted a big family, and without really knowing why, it was important that each of her babies had their own pair of shoes, even if money was short. Knowing that they would have to share a lot of their possessions with their other siblings living in the house, those shoes had become unique objects full of meaning. The consideration in this excerpt is very Molly-like. Even though they couldn't afford Ron a new wand when he first began Hogwarts and times tended to be tough for them as a family, she insisted on having one of their first possessions in the world being their own. I really like the idea. It's very creative.
This Christmas would be different; no tears, no worries, no one missing. Wonderful. Although, there should be an and between no worries and no one missing. But, nonetheless, this is my favorite sentence in the entire one-shot. It truly is the 'perfect time of the year' when all of this can be fulfilled.
I think you did a wonderful job capturing the characters in this challenge piece. Overall, great one-shot.
Author's Response: Aaah, another review from you! :) I like your reviews, always long and detailed, it\'s nice to read! I don\'t mind if you show me my little errors, I need to know what I\'m doing wrong if I want to improve my writting. I\'ll go change the things you mentionned. I\'m glad you liked my story! You reassured me about Molly really; my fear was to mess up her character, because it was my first attempt at writting her. But I picture her as a person who likes to take care of everything and needs everything to be organized in her life. So that way it makes her feel safe and comfortable. And I have to admit that I\'m proud of my baby shoes idea. I can\'t remember where it came from, but it just fitted perfectly with the plot and the prompt. So thank you for your review!
Awww! Wonderful song choice. This was an incredibly sad (yet brilliantly written) songfic. I just can't help but say it one more time. Awww!
Cascading spikes of life, drenching the streets and filling eyes with tremendous power.
Wow. Just wow. The language in this sentence is just so powerful; it's amazing. Especially spikes of life. The life in it makes it seem so tender, so soft. Yet, obviously spikes is the opposite of that, making it seem sharp. Somehow, this makes sense in my head.
He was alone, of course, save one or two house elves.
House-elves, with a hyphen.
She was beautiful, yet not many realized it.
I really like how he comes straight out and says it --er-- thinks it. It makes her beauty feel so much more subjective, and consequently more precious to Draco. Also, realized is the American version of the British realised.
While he roamed about his house, or the countless jobs he unable to maintain, he always found a way to tie something to her.
In this simple sentence, you somehow managed to take all of that emotion Draco was experiencing, and make it very straight-forward. I really like the idea that he can't function properly without her. That he no only wants her in his life, but he literally needs her. Also, you're missing a verb. It should be 'the countless jobs he was unable to maintain.'
Overall, this songfic was fantastic! Although, wherever you got the lyrics, I think they forgot some commas. From the way I read it, the second and last stanza should have commas before 'baby'. But then again, I am a comma/hyphen Nazi, so I sometimes put them in where they're not a must.
Keep up the wonderful writing!
Author's Response: AH! *huggles review* *huggles Danielle* Are you a beta? Honestly, if you\'re not, I think you should consider it. Next fic I have, can I send it through you? *begs* lol Thank you so much for your awesome review!
I really like the characterization of Kingsley in this one-shot. The plot line itself was truly amazing.
In less than five minutes, the Prime Minister had crossed the globe no less than three times. He had even cured world hunger.
No matter how many times I read this line, I can’t help but laugh. Not only is the act of creating new missions for every caller drastically clever and creative, it also seems like something he would do from the characterization you created for him. The wording and set-up helps with the humour a lot, though.
He frowned as he spied a bit of discoloration amidst the green.
Small nitpick here. It should be discolouration, not discoloration.
“What?” jumped the guard defensively. “I didn’t do it!”
I really like this guard. Although, he doesn’t seem like the type of person I would want to be protecting my life. =] His addition to the one-shot really added a lot, and made certain sections considerably more light and humourous.
Overall, it was a wonderful piece, especially the ending. Keep up the fantastic writing.
This was very touching. I’m rather fond of the characterisation you brought Neville through. Neville tends to be one of those characters that people overlook when writing point-of-views, but occasionally you find a brilliant writer who simply captures his essence. Wonderful job.
He saw Filch, but luckily, the man was busy peering behind statues for miscreant students.
This is, hands down, my favourite sentence in the entire one-shot. The imagery behind it makes me laugh every time. To think of Filch and his cat, patrolling the corridors so desperate to find students out of bed that they check behind statues is a funny enough picture in itself. However, to think of Neville sneaking by in the process...
She set something down by the wall, fiddling until soft music began to play — a small radio.
To me, this is a bit of an ‘odd’ sentence. I think, however, it could be reasoned away with a bit more detail. As it stands, though, I feel like it’s uncanon. We know that Muggles items don’t work in Hogwarts, so is this radio magical? I was always under the impression that the radio Molly had that played Celestina Warbeck was a Muggle one. Of course, you do have wiggle room here.
Neville thought of her, dancing at the Ball.
When I first read this sentence, I thought it needed a comma there. It’s almost as if you needed a breathe. However, I think the meaning you are trying to achieve here is one that doesn’t require the comma.
It was only a desire, though; he was sure that she would never forgive him for spying on her.
But only a few paragraphs down he makes his presence known, and Ginny doesn’t seem too upset by him spying. It seems a bit contradictory here.
I’m not sure what to think of the lyrics, though. They fit with the story beautifully, but I felt you needed to make them your own in some way. They just seemed rather out of place at the end.
Overall, I really liked the unique aspect of this one-shot. It really made my heart go out to Neville. Keep up the fantastic writing!
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for leaving such a nice review! Let\'s see if I can respond to everything you said. I\'m so glad you liked the bit about Filch. I felt he needed to be there, but I had the hardest time making the sentence work. I\'m very happy that it did. To be honest, I\'m not entirely sure myself about the radio. I needed music, and I figured that if there were Wizarding radio stations, there probably were Wizarding radios. The part about Neville watching Ginny is a little contradictory, but that\'s because what Neville is expecting (for Ginny to reject him) isn\'t what happens. As for the lyrics...someone told me that if there are lyrics at the beginning of the story, she usually skips them. I didn\'t want to break them up because I felt that that would space the story too much. I wanted the lyrics to sort of add to the atmosphere after the body of the story itself. Again, thanks so much for taking the time to write all of this! I most definitely will continue to write.
Wow. I like the foreshadowing aspect that this one-shot left me with. It got me thinking. Interesting twist to a seemingly perfect wedding, by the way.
In her white wedding gown, covered with lace and jewels, she rivaled an angel’s beauty.
The appearance descriptions were absolutely amazing. I especially liked the comparison between Hermione and angel beauty. It was rather remarkable, and it added with the description significantly. You seemed to have the color theme of the wedding planned out exceptionally well.
Her smarts left her and she ran in front of Voldemort’s wand’s aim.
The only grammatical mistake through-out the entire piece are some missing commas. Here, you’re missing one between her and and. Overall though, there was nothing for me to nit-pick on. =] Kudos to you!
Within seconds, night had blanketed them and a ribbon of death and misery swirled around the air.
Wow. Just...wow. A ribbon of death and misery that swirls through the air? Amazing language. I couldn’t quite place the feeling of the characters at first, but after reading the paragraph with this sentence and a few other incredibly written ones, I could practically feel the chaos and death-like atmosphere. I know I say it a lot, but I can’t help but say it once more; amazing!
The dream was exceptionally written, although I feel like you almost tried to just explain it away with the end part. I think it would have made your intentions clearer if you had expanded in that particular area. Like, how did Ron and Harry respond to Hermione’s reaction to her dream? Did they consider that it could have been a vision?
In paragraph twelve, you have a random as starting the paragraph off. I’m assuming that it’s not meant to be there.
Overall, fantastic story!
Author's Response: Ahh, another amazing review! *huggles* I\'m flattered that you like my descriptions and wording, I really do try hard to get a point across. I know exactly what you mean about the ending part. I wasn\'t as confident about that part, because I thought maybe I rushed it. I mean, c\'mon, they didn\'t really have any dialouge. But I left it as is due to timing for the challenge. Anyways, thank you so much for this awesome review, and the others too!
I really like this captured moment and the glimpse into Aberforth’s thoughts as the younger brother of a magical protegee. I liked how you stressed Aberforth’s impatience with his family —well, with everyone around him— over the fact that Albus was manipulating them, and they didn’t even seem to notice.
On the note of Albus’s manipulation, I think it was a rather interesting addition. Through-out the series we have seem Albus manipulate situations without people being too aware of what was going in. If anyone would notice this in Albus’s childhood, I think it is very realistic that Aberforth would since it would have the most effect on him. However, I think this point should have been focused on for a bit more, so the reader could place themselves in Aberfoth’s shoes easier.
It’s just not fair, thought eight year old Aberforth Dumbledore.
Small nit-pick here. It should be eight-year-old.
His parents told him that he would get new things when it was his turn to start at Hogwarts, but he knew it was a lie. The simple truth was that Aberforth always got less than Albus.
Very nicely put. The slighted relationship between the brothers really adds to Aberforth’s character. I really like the conviction that “but he knew it was a lie” conveys to the reader. It makes Aberforth seem more intelligent then he’s usually portrayed, a bit more observant. Although, it makes me wonder what gave him this idea...
Children were supposed to be loved unconditionally. But with Albus Dumbledore around it was always easy for adults to forget an insignificant, unintelligent child like Aberforth. A child like him was simply unneeded when there was a shiny star in the family.
Shiny star? I think what you meant was ‘shining star,’ although the more and more I think about it, shiny star sort of makes sense. But I guess it comes down to it simply sounding awkward.
However, I think the loving unconditionally is an interesting point here. Love has always seemed to be an important idea of Albus’s, but for Aberforth to feel deprived of this idea opens several new paths.
Although the goat rivaled for the same position, I was rather fond of the nanny. She was a necessary addition to the one-shot, to give Aberforth’s character a rounded personality and a reason for his parents to leave him home alone. Basically, I just felt that it reiterates the point that wherever Albus was, Aberforth was no more important than the dust on the shelves.
And that was because at the age of eleven, Albus Dumbledore was already becoming a master manipulator. He knew how to play their parents; he got everything he wanted. Aberforth was the only one who could see his brother for what he was–a selfish manipulator.
How you make a wizarding protegee at age eleven to come off as so undermining, leaves me clueless. However, you managed it perfectly.
Aberforth and Masiy had a very special relationship. He knew that he was lucky to have her.
Then later in the one-shot. (Also, in the sentence above, Maisy is misspelled.)
It was true that Maisy was a good friend and he was lucky to have her.
This seemed like an important point, but with it repeated it loses its importance. The reader has already processed it the first time, so when they read it the second, it leaves the ending sort of out there. Personally, however, I thought it was more fitting at the end.
Overall, wonderful one-shot!
Author's Response: Thanks so much for lovely long review. I\'m glad you liked the story and thanks for pointing out the errors.
I like the idea of the story being seen through Lily’s point-of-view and starting in the summer with her and her Muggle family. I don’t think I’ve ever read something so unique in this aspect. I’m really interested to see where you’re taking the whole Forbidden Forest bit; it seems to be a very interesting (and most defiantly unique) plot bunny.
So, my favourite character in this entire chapter was Jack. Although his arrogance is more prominent than James’s, and he seems even more annoying than James, I think he’s a very interesting original character. Out of curiosity, is he going to be making any more appearances in the chapters, or has his purpose been served? I’m betting on the latter, but you never know...
It was raining outside; she could see the raindrops hit the street with such speed that they jumped two inches up in the air before hitting the ground again.
Instead of ‘two inches up in the air’ it should be ‘two inches in the air.’ Double prepositions are a grammatical no-no since they are generally unnecessary. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this rule when the prepositions aren’t referring to the same object, but otherwise just one will work.
She didn’t have the chance to mess particularly much at Hogwarts, so this room was where she could have all the organized chaos she wanted to.
I think you’re missing a word. It should be something to the effect of ‘have the chance to create a mess.’ Or at least that’s the meaning I think you were going for. Also, ‘particularly much at Hogwarts’ is an ‘interrupter so there should be a comma before particularly.
But four weeks had passed and she hadn’t heard from either of them.
You’re missing a comma after ‘passed’ and before ‘and.’ (In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a comma-freak. =])
“Nothing is the matter mum. I’m perfectly fine,” she replied, giving her mother a look as if daring her to suggest otherwise.
In the series of dialogue where Lily and her mother are talking, you missed a few commas. The first one where Lily’s mother was talking to her, you got, but the others you forgot about. Since Lily is talking to her mum there should be a comma before it. So, it should read, ‘Nothing is the matter, Mum.’ In addition, since ‘Mum’ is substituting her mother’s name, it needs to be capitalised.
Thank god Lily thought.
Thoughts should be treated like dialogue. There needs to be a comma separating what is being thought and how the person is thinking it. ‘Thank god, Lily thought.’
She really needed to talk to some of her friends soon, otherwise she would be crazy by the time she went back to Hogwarts for her fifth year.
I love the relationship you build between Lily and her friends in this chapter. She seems really reliant on them keeping in touch since, I’m assuming, they are the only link she has to the magical world during the summer. I’m really curious to know how she interacts with them.
She had listened to this in thirty minutes!
Instead of ‘in’ it should be ‘for' to achieve the meaning you were going for.
I, Lily Evans, will have to save myself from being brain-dead for the rest of my life! This is a mission I must not fail!
I adore Lily’s determination. You’ve done a really nice job of giving Lily some outlining characteristics in this chapter without making it seem too forced or far from canon. Poor Lily, though, for having to deal with Jack for such a long period of time.
And he would notice that they weren’t muggle schoolbooks.
Through-out this section, I really like how the sentences are short and to the point; it really builds the tension in the situation. Although, personally, I think it would have been interesting to see Lily sweat a little more before her mother came to her rescue. Also, Muggle should be capitlised since it is a canon noun.
Lily put the wand on her desk and went to bed, not bothering to say goodbye to her family even though she knew it was rude.
For some reason, to me, good-bye doesn’t seem to fit quite right. It makes sense, but it doesn’t seem completely appropriate. How many teenagers say ‘good-bye’ to their parents before going to bed? Maybe, good-night?
Okay, first allow me to apologise for such a nit-picky review. It’s a habit I’m working on breaking and trying to be more constructive than nit-picky. But nonetheless, I think you have a very interesting start with this. As a reader, it’s captured my attention, especially the bit about the Forbidden Forest. You have a whole bunch of unique attributes going for you for this story, so I think in the end you will have a story with a plot that no one else has considered before.
Keep up the fantastic writing! Oh, and, bring on the Marauders. =]
Author's Response: Wow, that\'s some review! Thank you for telling me all the errors and explaining why they were errors; English isn\'t my native language, and commas are different from my language, but I really want to write as good English as I do in my own language... So don\'t worry about that; I love that you give some criticism. As for Jack.. For now, he has served his purpose, but there is a chance he will make a reapperance in some of the later chapters... I\'m sort of trying to decide between three situations for a chapter; they all work for the plot, and one of them has Jack in them. But there are a lot of chapters to go before I get to that point... The bit where Jack surprises her in her room: I think you\'re right, perhaps it would be better to let Lily sweat a bit more... I\'ll be sure to remember it for later chapters; there a lot of difficult situations Lily will get herself into.. The bit where Lily went to bed without saying goodbye to her family... well, I kinda meant her aunt and uncle.. and Jack.. but perhaps it was a bit confusing, I don\'t know... Thank you so much for the long review! I love long reviews, especially for my story! heh.. I hope I answered all your questions satisfyingly..
How cute! Usually I'm not that into Dramione, -solely because I tend to stick more so to the Marauder Era- but this was wonderfully written. The connection between the pair you formed was truly remarkable and realistic. Draco needed Hermione, so Hermione eventually needed Draco. Did that even make sense?
Hermione took a deep breath, turned on her heel and whispered, “Lumos!” In the one-shot, Lumos isn't italicized, even though it should be since it is a spell.
When the only thing that returned to her was her drumbeat of her heart, she shuddered out another breath and examined the room surrounding her. I love the metaphor here. It adds a lot to the fear and apprehension Hermione is feeling. It sort of sets the mood for what is to come. Although, personally, I think the first 'her' should be 'the' so it flows a little better, and it isn't quite as redundant.
“We’re going to Apparate to the Burrow, alright? I don’t believe you have enough strength to get there yourself, so we’ll have to do this together, okay?” All right. Small nit-pick that a lot of people overlook, since technically it's been a word for about a decade in America. Although, I'm pretty sure in Britain it's still all right.
“Draco,” she whispered, the name unfamiliar to her tongue. It rolled around in her mouth, considering it and reconsidering. I'm not sure why, but I absolutely adore how you went on to explain the way his first name felt to her. The rolling around in the awkward tension of the moment. This adds to the realistic nature of the one-shot, seeing as they never called each other Draco and Hermione before, the first occasion would be a tad awkward. Lovely.
Hermione’s came out in a shuddery fear of what was to come. She balled her fists and shook her head, telling herself to be brave. Again, I simply love the language in this sentence. I can practically feel the fear and see Hermione's actions. It's wonderful. Although, I'm wondering if Hermione is almost too afraid. After all, she is supposed to be a brave Gryffindor...
Hermione could’ve sworn she heard a gasp slither through the air and into her ears; the hiss of a cowardly snake, awakened by the intimidating life. First off, we snakes are not cowardly! (lol. =] Just had to say that) No, what I was going to say is the adjectives in this sentence just make my jaw drop. You're really good at accomplishing fear in your writing.
Overall, wonderful one-shot. Keep up the fantastic writing!
Author's Response: *huggles awesome review* Thank you so much, Danielle! Such a fantastic review. *slaps self for making all those mistakes* I\'ll get to them, I swear! Thanks again for all of your so nice compliments and I\'m glad you liked the fic.
Very nice! I really like the suspense the first chapter builds. It really hooks the reader. The character descriptions were perfect. I thought it was a good addition to put how the different tensions effected the different characters. I especially liked how you developed Hermione and Ron's relationship. It was really unique compared to most fanfics I've read with Hermione and Ron.
But when her hands gripped his robes, He felt a long object tucked in his inside his pocket.
The he shouldn't be capitalized, and the third his is unnecessary.
Neville shot a glance at Hermione, who's eyes had gone wide in the direction of Ron and Draco's struggle.
This reads, 'who is eyes had gone wide.' The who's should actually be whose.
And where you would find one, you would surely find more.
This was, by far, my favourite line this in chapter. It uniquely and in an almost foreshadowing-like way, told the reader that there were a lot of them. This sentence really adds voice to the chapter.
Overall, this was really well written.
Author's Response: Hey Danielle!
One of the things I like to do with Gauntlets is have multiple characters to guide. After all, it is a story first and an obstacle course second.
I do notice the grammatical errors at about the second or third time I reread it, but I don\'t like to use betas before I submit. I guess it\'s an ego thing.
And I did like that line when I wrote it. A bit of subtlety that still gives the story that violent shove into action. You should read the rest, though, and tell me what you think! ^.^
- Jacie the Cat
Without even attempting to justify the ship, you made it seem perfectly natural. Normally, Dramione seems forced, or Draco is written as a smarter, better looking match than Ron. This one-shot, however, just made it seem simply right.
Ahhh. The old Head Boy and Head Girl share the same dormitory cliche. Well, as opposed to the cliche as I am, I don’t see how else this one-shot would have come into play. So, I suppose that justifies it.
Nonetheless, the scene in itself was perfect. Draco fearing being caught so much as holding hands with Hermione, although he yearned for her warm touch to take him back. I really liked the thought and guilt process you put Draco through. It was wonderful characterization on Draco’s part. Most Dramione fics don’t include Draco’s pride, or just reason it away. But you turned Draco’s pride into embarrassment, and then need. Wonderful job.
Every night he would come down, bid good night to the moon as she pulled her black blanket over her silvery head, and say hello to the stars as they peeked out of their sleep, but mostly, he'd sit and watch Hermione as she danced with them in her dream trance.
Wonderful analogy with the night sky and its inhabitants. It kind of introduced us to a more poetic side of Draco, which was a necessity for him to realistically appreciate Hermione’s beauty and serene look as she slept. However, I’d almost say this should be broken into two sentences beginning at the ‘but,’ since it seems like so many rich thoughts pushed into one sentence. I think separating it into two would make it seem a bit clearer.
He wasn’t sure if he could handle her finding out about his caring gaze, his wistful smiles, and his aching heart.
I just have to say it. Awwww! I’ve never seen someone handle so much pride with so much elegance. I especially like your word choice in the latter part of the sentence. It really adds a lot to the final meaning.
His breath got stuck in his throat as she turned in her sleep; his blood chilled at the thought of being caught.
Can you say ‘guilty pleasures’? I really like this hand-in-the-cookie-jar image this gives Draco. He knows it’s something he shouldn’t be doing, but yet it doesn’t stop him from doing it. There’s no excuses, no regrets, no promises; just a hope that he doesn’t get caught. Incredibly perfect.
Overall, wonderful one-shot. I thought it was simply brilliant. I take it the class went well? =]
Author's Response: Oh my god, what an amazing review! This totally made my day! And that\'s hard to do, because I\'m in some serious toe-stubbed pain. Anyways, as far as the cliche, I was supposed to take a crindge-worthy cliche and try to turn it around. Which is the only reason I used it. I normally have such distaste for such cliches! But I\'m glad you think I covered it well. The class went fantastically well, and I\'m so glad you enjoyed reading this one-shot as much as I enjoyed reading this review. Thanks so much!
Usually, I try to stay away from Gauntlet entries, simply because their length frightens me(I have attention problems). Although, if your entry is anything to compare the others to, I think I might have to give them a shot. This entry was no only captivating, but you also managed to make the 'drabbles' fit together wonderfully.
“Come on Ginny, I’ll show you a way out.”
There should be a comma before Ginny. A few lines later, you also did this to Harry. Although, then you did it correctly on another line little later. So, I'm guessing you just got caught up in what you were typing?
She wasn’t feeling too patient tonight and the thought of losing time in this carrousel wasn’t pleasing at all.
I really adore this line. I'm not sure how else to put it. It adds anxiety to the readers mind, since we don't know exactly why she was in the Department of Mysteries, but nonetheless she's there and she's stuck. I really like the use of the word carousel, although it only has one 'r'. It makes me laugh, for some odd reason.
That same curtain had killed Sirius many years ago and she didn’t want to end up like him.
You're missing a comma between ago and and.
But she knew for sure that the whole situation was totally ridiculous, especially with her hair dangling down like that.
Your characterization of Ginny was wonderful. Even while she was facing the more difficult tasks in the Department of Mysteries, you kept her in character, which I'm sure was no easy task. She really seems rather concerned with her hair though, doesn't she? Periodically through-out the fanfic, she's messing with it, combing it, and commenting about it.
Even if it was an evil creature, she didn’t want to hurt it with some jinxes.
She wasn’t feeling sorry at all for it. After all, it had attacked her. It had got what it deserved.
These are two quotes spaced a bit while she was facing the lion with misty eyes in one of the rooms. They seem a bit contradictory to me or at least in some need of further explaining. Basically, from what I'm understanding is that Ginny didn't want to jinx it, but she didn't feel bad about it being nearly killed by her Patronus.
The only other thing that I was curious about is the ending. So, was the whole mission in the Department of Mysteries a test? Or when she got to the room with the mirror just half-way through? Overall, though, I thought this was a well written one-shot. Wonderful job!
First off, I especially adored the voice and character you gave the teenage version of McGonagol. After reading the author's note, I was a little fearful for her characterisation, but I thought it was perfect. Minerva still retained that serious no-nonsense attitude, but in a more mild way since she was a teenager. Also, I must mention the slang and sayings that were native to the era fit quite nicely.
My name’s quite a mouthful, I know. But I’m most proud of it.
To make it flow better, this should be one sentence. Instead of a full stop, there should be a comma.
“Prefect, eh? Must be tough coping up with the duties. But I can’t blame you, I guess. Being a prefect had always been your dream...”
The 'up' shouldn't be there.
It was true; being a prefect had been my dream and my friends used to tease the skin out of me for that.
First off, I love the expression. It's very fitting for Minerva's dialogue and the way she thinks. Also, there should be a comma after dream.
Rubbing my tummy contently after dinner, I kept silent till Professor Dippet (that’s our headmaster, by the way; a fine one, too) stood up and commanded silence.
There's a small Canon capitalisation error here. Headmaster is always capitalised.
I, on the other hand, frowned. I hated that nickname and I thought Professor Dumbledore certainly deserved much more respect than he was getting as the Head of Gryffindor House.
I'm afraid you have a contradiction here. In this paragraph Minerva says she hates the nickname 'Dumbles,' however only a few paragraphs above where she's writing about how she's always respected people who step into responsibility without whining about it, Minerva refers to Dumbledore as 'Dear old Dumbles.'
Also, there should be a comma after nickname. (In case you haven't noticed, I'm a comma freak. >_>)
“That’s pretty cruel,” Walter breathed heatedly.
“Will you stop your blabbering and listen? It will do you good to know the rules and keep out of trouble for once!” I murmured crossly under my breath.
“Fine, prefect!” she crossed her arms over her chest and grinned at me.
Here, it seems that Minerva is chiding Walter in particular with this comment and in the process calling him a trouble-maker. Well, if he's a prefect, doesn't this pose a slight problem?
Alright, I don’t exactly love you.
All right should be written as two words.
Also, I really like the written argument-like thing at the end about signing off as 'Love, Minerva.' It really adds character to the younger Minerva. Also, it was probably one of my favourite things about the chapter.
Overall, this was a wonderful first chapter, and it really hooks the reader. Especially the end comparison with the current Minerva reading her old entry and reflecting on her current situation versus her teenage one. It really added a lot. Perfect!
I adore the random-ness of this story. It seems like such an 'out there' topic to write a one-shot on, but you tied it together wonderfully. This was an interesting glance into how Severus and Narcissa interacted with everyone in Slytherin.
My favorite part of this story was in the beginning, while Bellatrix defended Narcissa, even though she didn't know what she was defending Narcissa from. I thought it was a good piece of insight of their relationship.
Also, I enjoyed your characterisation of Severus. I've always found him a difficult character to right, but you portrayed him perfectly in the situation. I marveled at his stoic-like attitude, despite Narcissa's various efforts to gain the definition.
Overall, wonderful one-shot!
Author's Response: :D I got the idea for this story from a challenge on another site, which was to *randomly* pick a word from one of dictionary.com\'s past \'word of the day\'s. This word popped up, and a random bunny was born. ;)
I\'m glad you liked Narcissa and Bellatrix\'s *brief* interaction, and Severus\' portrayal. I love writing about Sevy. :D Thanks for the nice review!