Ok, about the romance, I'm going to give you a piece of a late chapter of mine that some romance in it.
Tulip looked at James, smiling. “Will this make you feel better?” She asked and gave him a kiss on the cheeks.
James looked at her, smiling sadly. He immediately pulled her into a big hug. “I love you Tulip.”
My point is you should cool it with the kisses. Make for hugs. It'll get boring if its only kisses. When you have a love scene, you should have them talking over some tea or Butterbeer in Madam Puddifoots or The Three Broomsticks.
At one point, and one point only, they can have a little kissing scene, like the one in Harry Potter 5.
Another quote from one of my later chapters is this:
“She actually said she admires me for my bravery,” James said, grinning.
“Did she,” Arnold said, uninterestedly.
“Did she tell you in person or to her friends?” Michael asked his voice going a bit crackly as it was near sundown.
“To her friends,” James said, looking down.
“I can tell you’re going to win her then,” Philip said, grinning. “A girl admires you and you like her, you’ve got a high chance.”
There, James found out thre girl he likes actually admires him for his endless pranks, so later on, James impressed her with some. She was happy and gave him ONE kiss, the rest are hugs. They aren't married yet so they shouldn't go as far as kissing every second of the day.
Put a bit more hugs, it'll feel better. Save kisses for more romantic parts.
By the way, I'll give you a 9 this time, but work harder on the romance scenes, I'm a big Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione fan, (too bad only one of them is true in my FF.
Author's Response: I think there were only two kisses in the entire chapter but they've been edited out now - I'll add some more romance in my book 7. Thanks for the example and I'm sorry you didn't find walking to a secluded spot of Hogsmeade romantic! I'll try and improve the romance as I know that's my main weakness with this story :)
Am I the first one to send you another review for a chapter?
You went a bit too far on the kisses. Make more hugs and less kisses. They aren't married yet so they shouldn't be kissing on every second of the day.
Make them hug more, beause that, to me, shows better love. The kiss on christmas with Harry and Ginny was great, because it announced their love, truthfully.
On a date, make them kiss once and hug more often. Kisses will get boring if they are always used in it. I too am writing romance in my story, but I'm careful to make them kiss on the right time, like when the boy or girl is feeling unhappy about something and his/her companion is attempting to cheer him/her up. Thats when I use kisses and only ONE, or two.
Kissing=Depend when it is used
Hugging=Great, do it more often.
I'll give you a 9.
Author's Response: Thanks for your comments and I know that my romance writing isn't exactly my strong point! I've reedited the chapter so there is no kissing at all - they've been replaced with hugs! I'll add kissing at the end of the story instead :) Thanks for the suggestions though.
The worst part of reading Fan Fiction that supports a Harry/Ginny relationship is that it makes me regret editing out their relationship in my own Story, Wizard War III.
As for Snape...I still like him. He is my favorite teacher...I think. When you made out Snape was Voldemort's most faithful servant, I didn't lke that. You took away that anger when I read that very funny 12 days of Christmas in Dark Lord style.
Very nice chapter, I am determinedly trying to make your story 5 stars, but I can't keep sending reviews. Here is another 10 for makking me feel guilty about editing out the most possible romance.
Author's Response: I'm pleased you like Snape - to be perfectly honest, I think he's a lot of fun to write and I find I can relate him quite easily (please note, that doesn't mean I'm a Death Eater!). As for Volemort's letter, I didn't really intend it to be funny. Lol, it doesn't really matter though, I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway. Thanks for the 10 (again!) and I'm sorry that you edited out the romance in your story; you could always go back and re-edit them back in though...?
Cool, I'm the first one to review chapter 14. Nice chapter, you must update soon or HEADS WILL ROLL.
Snape is really confusing me though. It seems he is a double agent. Whose side is he truly on? He said to choose the most powerful out of the two, who would that be? Dumbledore is the most powerful, this cannot be true, he must follow Dumbledore and announce his support for him. Just tell Voldemort he's a traitor and Apparate to Hogameade and RUN to Hogwarts.
Oh yeah, another 10.
Author's Response: Lol, chapter 15 is coming soon (and please let me keep my head, it'll be quite hard to write without it!)! I'm sorry if I'm confusing you, but I'm not saying which side Snape's following yet. You'll know really soon though... *dodges bullets as a result of vague answer*. Thanks again for the 10 though!
In response to your question on your first romance scene, I think it was very good and it earned you another 10, call me your biggest fan.
I am about so close to losing my will and editing Harry and Ginny's romance back in my story, but you have no idea how long that will take unless you knew how long my story is, even I dont know, except that its more than 50!
I am eager for the next chapter which I will read right now unless I am interrupted. Update soon anyway.
Author's Response: *Laughing* Don't let me interrupt you from reading chapter 13! I'm glad you liked the romance though and *hopefully* chapter 14 will be up really, really soon. PS: 50 chapters?! That an encyclopedia, lol!
Update soon, however, before you go off saying Snape is a bad guy, I must tell you my theories.
"It's coming back, Karkaroffs too, clearer than ever." There were Snapes words in Dumbledore Pensieve when he was talking to Harry about it. He was obviously telling Dumbledore about the mark on his skin. If he was a bad guy, he wouldn't tell Dumbledore that, would he?
Where was he going anyway, you must update.
Further more, I'm lowering your rating to a 9.9, but since there's no such thing, I'll have to round it to the closes whole number. Congratulations, you just got yourself another 10.
Author's Response: Since when did I say Snape was a bad guy? I really don't want to say too much on this because it becomes very important later but hopefully you'll understand a little bit more about which side he's heading to by the end of the next chapter. I will say though that Voldemort is convinced he's a Death Eater while Dumbledore's convinced he's working for the Order. *Sniffs* shame about the 9.9, lol! :)
Absolutely wonderful. At first, I didn't think much of this story, but then I read it. I love humor stories. This is a perfect way to make fun of Harry Potter 3. I saw many things and say Chris Columbus could have done better.
I'll give a 10.
Author's Response: I less than three (<3 anybody?) your username! Thanks for reading and reviewing, Colin. Want an autographed picture? (just kidding)
Nice, very nice. I am predicting that Snape will turn bad. I would love to read about the look on Ron's face will be like when he find out Gendrath is his best friend. *cough, Harry, cough*.
I thought you'd kill Ron, and I whispered to myself, "she wouldn't dare", lol, no offense.
I'll give a 10.
Author's Response: LOL! No, I wouldn't DARE kill Ron - I'd make myslef cry!! Cheers for the review Colin, glad you liked the next chappie - I was very proud of it when I finished. :D
~Ermine the One
Cool, I'll need to check the GI warning and what it means. For some reason, I have no problem with Harry's death, nor Dumbledore's. You need to explain your new caracters though.
Another thing I really liked was the appearance of Dennis Creevey, he's my favorite charcter's little brother...as for Colin...where is he?
You didn't kill him did you? If you did, there's still time to change that, bring him back before you submit. Man if he's dead, there's no telling how many heads are going to roll. Got that! NO TELLING, more like an innuerbale amount.
This story only takes place 3 years after school that's not enough for Sirius to get married and have a daughter who happens to be 10, unless...well...to disgusting to mention in a review.
As for Dennis, to be in school is possible but he'd be seventh year...I hope you've calculated right.
Author's Response: Yep I worked that out about him being in seventh, not sixth as I originally thought - so forget that. Oh dear. PLus, if you want to find out how Sirius has a duaghter who can be traiining to be an Auror - look at my previous responses for LOuisa Chocolate cake - they wil explain all. No, Colinj isn't dad - and he's coming inlater - never fear!! Thanks for the review!!
If I were in your position, here is what I would do: SPOILER: Since Snape is now an apprant bad guy, you can make it so that he had to kill Dumbledore, under the force of the Unbreakable Vow and Dumbledore was OK with it. That is so like Dumbledore, in war, sacrifices must be made. Have you heard these arguments about Snape being on the Order's side? ¨
As for Dumbledore, he was dead to begin with, so nothing is wrong. Just Snape, whom you need to edit. It's not a good idea to make two stories into one, it might confuse readers.
I may have said this before, but I didn't explain properly, so here you go.
Author's Response: Right, Ok. I was thinking of just changing Snape in some way, so I'l have to do that. HOwever, I HAVE started writing a yr7 fic, which I'l get put up and it will remain completelly different!! Thanks.
~Ermine the One~
Harry's ALIVE, thats great, I hope. Ill give you a 10 this time.
Author's Response: Hey, thanks! But just because he's not in the grave doesn't mean he's alive ...
Well, I read the capter, but skipped through the nasty bit. I gathered enough afterwards to realize that Gedrath was yelling 'kill me' and Tonks died. Cool. I hope the one bit being skipped doesn't do too much damage. I'll give it a 10/10
Hm, you're not writing ahead, are you? The use of Inferi is nice.
The problem with this is the bad spelling. Watch your spelling next time.
I'll give you a 7/10
Author's Response: Yes. It is quite annoying as I have a laptop now that doesn't have spell check, which is why it is easy for me to get things wrong. I think I'll probably have to find a Beta somewhere sometime.
Yes, I like the idea of Inferi, they are incredibly dark and suited the mood of the story. Thanks for the review, I'll take the spelling into acount for next time. :)
~Ermine the One
Here is what I think...
Since we both read HBP you'll understand, (I wont put any spoilers though, in case someone unwary read this).
I think you should keep the stories seperate.
As for the characater who died and...well...the one who betrayed them. It's very easy to undo what happened, except for the death. But for the betrayal...elementary.
Keep the stories seperate, because it might get confusing if you make it all into one.
“Colin,” Jessica said, “I haven’t spoken with you since I was 10. I haven’t spoken with Dennis in three years either. You two used to be my best friends. What kind of school do you two go to that it is so important to completely abduct you from this world?”
Colin smiled and looked round the corner to make sure her parents were occupied. “Does your room still have a working lock?” he asked.
“You perverted little…” Jessica yelled hitting his arm several times.
“No,” Colin hushed her. “It’s a secret. I need to make sure your parents can’t overhear what I’m about to tell you. So…?”
I wouldn't mind if you could put down a review. Also, I have an idea for a sequel, and I'd like to know if anyone would be interested in one. Thanks!
It's a good story. The problem is its one-shot. I think you SHOULD make a sequel. How old is Colin and Jessica now? Where did Dennis go? (OMG, if he died, heads will roll).
Author's Response: Um... I don't think there was any indication that Dennis was anywhere but with his parents. No, he's not dead. And there is a sequel, it's on my Fanfiction.net site.
As promised, here's my review.
Poor Snape. One kiss in his entire life. How can he stand living with the fat that his first kiss was embarassing.
Author's Response: Do you mean fact? ;) He probably doesn't live well with it, but I doubt his first kiss is on his mind at all times, you know? Considering the fact that he's on the run and sorting out his current life. But don't be suprised if Kathryn and Snape appear in another fiction.
Am I right in guessing that the Light One is Merlin? Am I also right in guessing that Merlin is the White Dragon? Your story reminds me... of another... 10/10
Author's Response: Hey ;)...right on one....sort of on the other...Thanks for all your reviews, you've been a consistant reviewer and I just wanted to tell you I appreciate it. BTW, which story does it remind you of? I'd like to read it to make sure i'm not too close with my own. :) --Sarakiel
Wonderful story. I like this idea of Harry teaching "Ginny's year". It's cool. It's like, totally awesome, dude.
I'll give it a 10/10
Nice. I liked the Colin/Luna relationship. It's a rare one, but they make a couple. Too bad I'm not doing it, I had other plans.
I don't think things will turn as easy as Harry expects. Eventually, he'll hate his year, especially if he catches Ginny walking after dark. A lesson: Never return to a school to teach if you know some younger students. At least not until the students graduate.
I can see it all now. 10/10 for an excellent story. By the way, I like the way you used Colin... very nice... favorite character of mine.
Great, I've been waiting to read a story like this one. I'll give it 10/10, call it good for a first fan fic.
One question though, where is my favorite character. If I get hint you killed any of the Creevey brothers, Neville, or Ernie, countless heads will roll. So, where are they all? (I have only read this chapter thus far.