I am a BETA, so if you ever need help with a fanficion, have no fear - hp_fanfic_chick is here! No seriously, you can ask me to beta. I am very trustworthy. I can help with plots, characters, punctuation, grammar, spelling, and more! My only weakness is brit picking.
My favorite story I have written: The End of All Ends
My most watched story: Crowded Halls by Makena_Prongs
My favorite story: The End of All Things by Ella Norman
My favorite category: Dark/Angsty
My favorite HP character: Albus Dumbledore, Sirius Black
My ship: Ron/Hermione, Ginny/Draco
A favored rare ship: Cho/Ron
Fortune Cookie Truths:
->We are very happy together.
->Good sense is the master of human life.
->You are the master of every situation.
->Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you.
Okay, this is a bit of a long review for you :) I enjoyed the first chapter so much, I felt the tension, and suspense, but thought that maybe you should try fixing your formatting just in case. Your second chapter went well until you made Hermione to be a bit OOC. I thought her character was well done but not for the panic that normal students would be in. Ron was hit perfectly! The comical relief was great, and his attitude is right on the dot. So overall, nice job, just worry about making things so happy after that encounter. Keep it up, and I shall keep an eye out for updates.
Alrighty, Chapter 1 is oustanding so far. I had a few things that I would like to point out though. Okay, there was a bit of confusion because I at first thought the Daily Prophet was dragging Sirius' name through the mud in this part: "The day after he resigned, the Daily Prophet not only “praised” Fudge for his “capture” of Sirius Black, but in an article below, dragged his name through the mud as well." Maybe its just me, though. There was one small formatting error, but thats all the technical details I could really complain about. This chapter was well written. Remus and Isabelle (I hope I spelled that right) seem very proper, though, to be in a bar. Its fine to use "smart" words in a description, but when two characters - especially one who is a bit depressed - are in a bar, they don't necessarily direct each other with professional tones. Even then, this chapter was just astounding, and I will be back for more.
I am one of those great R&R people who review every chapter individually. Overall, this chapter wasn't to bad - but I would like to know more basics in the first chapter. What year is this? The age of Harry would give it away better. It sounds very much like the fifth book, or along those lines. Overall, not to shabby - I shall continue to read it.
Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing each chapter. I am very glad that you'll keep reading. Thanks for the review.
Yeah - each chapter does get better - this one I think was better than the last, but a few character profiles aren't "true" to the book. I am sure Dudley wouldn't confess to Harry even if his tail would have to grow back. But I am picky - lol - so sometimes I don't mean to be mean, I just sound really fickled. Overall, there aren't grammer errors or anything which fabulous when I read through it, and its pretty good writing. Keep it up.
Author's Response: I am a very good writer, so I know not to make grammer errors or spelling mistakes. Yes, it's okay that you're picky. I am too. Thanks for the review.
Oy vey - where to start on this chapter? Your an outstanding writer, but the entire plot would be so much better if it wasn't so impersonal to the books. I really wouldn't think that Dumbledore would tell Molly, "Voldemort always wins!" Come now, that doesn't sound like the Albus I have read five books about. Character relations are the only problem I have with the story - other than that, you are continuing to do a superb job of writing.
Author's Response: How old are you? Wow. I didn't know you were that picky. That's okay. I will improve my writing.Thanks for the review.
Ok - instead of begging for reviews, try something along the lines, "I need some encouragement to get the story finished..." lol. It looks cleaner than "PLEASE REVIEW!" Overall, this chapter was awesome, carry out the suspense a little longer - sheesh - just when you get to the really great part it is over two sentences later. Lol - a huge improvement, and great cliff hanger. However a few worry notes from me - be careful - try re-reading your last chapter that way you wouldn't make the mistake of putting Hagrid at Harry's birthday party and that night tell him that they hadn't seen each other in a while.
Author's Response: Well, you pay very good attention. I didn't notice that. Sorry. My regards. Thanks for your review. LOL!!
There were a few *coughcheesycough* umm...odd moments in the story but you did a great job with building with the suspense.
Author's Response: *coughdrivingmecrazycough*. Sorry. I have a bad cold *coughnotreallycough*. Thanks for the -odd- review.
AH!! Okay, this is a bit of a reveiw - as I will try my best to stay loyal to your story. You seem to be making Nicky a Mary-Sue, she knows everything, and it is annoying. You are also moving the story WAY to quickly, like the Sirius conversation, it was a bit irritating to see that it was over in a short paragraph. Dark/Angsty stories are supposed to carry so much suspense, not aggravation at how stubborn the characters are. I can see the whole Molly thing happening, as I wrote a fanfic with that (freaky), but slow down the bad news, and work a bit to get rid of the flat characters. I enjoyed reading, and I thought you did improve from the last chapter as I was confused last time. I understand it all, but it just doesn't seem so much like something that would actually be played out in the Harry Potter series. I think if you just work out those few things, you would have an astounding story.
Author's Response: Thanks. I don't really get what your saying, but thanks.
Yes - I agree with other reviewers - confusing indeed. Overall, not to bad so far - will be looking forward and waiting for your next chapter.
Author's Response: It is really confusing, but I want it that way. I'm sorry, but you'll be confused for a while. As I have said before all of your questions will be answered. Thanks for the review.
I really enjoyed your writing style. How you described Pansy walking into the forest of ornate dresses was a lovely touch. Your subtle ways of introducing the dresses, the looks, and the feelings is also a very great detail in you writing. I loved it. However, in your introduction of Ron, I thought everything went way to fast. Ron seemed a bit OC with his rudeness. I think his first intention would have been to try to ignore Millicent before insulting her. On the other hand, your beginning was so persuading, I can't help but love it. Credit is earned here. It is bound to be a rather interesting match up too. I am willing to read the rest of this. Congrats.
Hmm, I caught a few errors, but overall nice development. To begin with, doesn't one capitalize Professor? So shouldn't it be Professor Sinistra in the very beginning of your chapter? Another grammar errors would be when Mr. Weasley was talking, there were were no quotation marks in the beginning. It should have been "You know..." and not You know, Muggles.... If it isn't included a reader can become very confused. It wouldn't be tell they read that he actually said that would they understand. Overall, you had a wonderful development. I think you should give the feeling that they are both really resenting the fact that they are following in someone's footsteps. Or give them some excuse for acting so evil towards one another. My opinion would be that I think it would be amusing is if somewhere in your story you might bring up the point that Hermione tried to fool her by picking her hair, and then turning into a cat. Hah! Sorry, you can ignore that suggestion. Furthermore, I think you need to underline the books. Just use HTML. Simple, put a for italics or a for underline, then put your title, and close it with the or only without the *. My second to last point I would like to make is about Mrs. Weasley. I thought you did really well for her short entrance in Chapter 1, but by adding Petunia's name for Dudley for Ron "Ickle Ronnykins". I didn't think that was very IC. However, I loved your writing. It is amazing how well detailed you are, and how great I can imagine this story being played through. Keep writing, and I shall keep reading and reviewing for you :)
YAY FOR YOU!! I loved the beginning scenes. Alrighty reviews for you - Dumbledore like I said is hard to get, and I think he was little OOC, but you had it where it sounded like Dumbledore, but he would add little more wisdom to it. Anyhoo, I am very interested in what was said by Makena - and earlier the beginning scene really was outstanding, I know I said that and I know everything is out of order in this review, but this chapter kicked butt. You should e-mail MNff about the missing link to the chapter though when you first open the story :)
Author's Response: U have been giving me advice and encouragement throughout this story and I just want 2 say thanx.......I'm glad u review......
WOW!! I loved that chapter!! Sorry it took me a while to read it - but wow. I loved that chapter, I think you are doing a very good job of avoiding a Mary-Sue exchange student. You are a wonderful poet as well, and your description of her cutting herself seems very accurate, and I thought you did an outstanding job on Ginny's portrayal in the story.
Author's Response: Oh yeah, We definitely don't want her to be a Mary-Sue! *laughs* I'm glad youv'e been reading my chaps and the next instalment should be up soon! I'm working again now that Christmas break is over.^_^
Oh wow - okay - that poem was kick-butt. I promise you, you can write poetry - as for the story - it is just as good, and I hope it stays that way through all of your updates :)
Author's Response: Thanx a lot.....ur story is really coming......I hope u right more of it......Look out 4 my 3rd chap!
DUN, DUN, DUN!! This was pretty good - Dumbledore is really hard to get right, but you did a nice job with him. So far so good.
Author's Response: Dumbledore is really hard.......and I tried to capture his all-knowing, wise superiority over the students.....like u said though, it's difficult and I tried.........
That was a really quick change for Makenna...from shy to telling Ginny off - lol. The chapter was also a bit short - and for readers who like to read - that is torture...lol. Post more :)
Author's Response: I guess there is more to Makenna then meets the eye.......I'm glad u liked it^_^
Author's Response: by the way......I'll write more.........
Whats this, another poem under your name? Call me an idiot for just now finding it :) I thought it was very interesting. If not for the summary I would have no clue who HE was - so nice touch with the summary. Very well written.
Author's Response: thanx.......I was wondering when you'd find it.....it doesn't rhyme...it's just free verse, but hey....
I disagree with one of Blade's statements - I think Hermione can be suddenly attracted to Harry; We honestly can't say who she really likes, but we do know that Ron was a bit jealous at the Yule Ball. I thought it was confusing that Hermione put a blanket over the girl before she had even arrived there, if I am not mistaken. I was pretty lost as to if they ever got to girl, let alone how did they inform Madam Pomfrey? Overall, your characters are lovely, and all canon - Malfoy was done perfectly! As was Ron. Your plot is interesting, and I shall be reading the next chapter to give you more feedback on that:)
Author's Response: Thanks. I like your story too. :)
*nods head in agreement with Blade* Mary-Sue indeed. I think if you incorporate more weaknesses through the story, the reader will love her. I do however love your descriptions of her to incorporate dove like things - for instance "downy brown hair" - Downy feathers - you might not have even noticed that, but the subtle things do matter. Overall well done, I think your Ron needs to be a bit more canon because of his sharp reactions (I want to meet her -- Lets go! Potions essay!). Hermione is well portrayed. My favorite canon character you did wonderfully would be Pomfrey.
Author's Response: *Laughs.* Oh, thanks, I was really worried I wouldn't have Pomfrey down right. Okay, I'll try harder to keep Ron IC and pull in some more weaknesses for Chenoa. Keep on giving constructive criticism, it's my fav kind of review! :)
What year are they in? The question is running through my head, and quite possibly I may have just missed the answer. You need to introduce the time early on in the story, preferably first chapter, but later can work. It was a rather short chapter, and short Dumbledore speeches are good - it means less of an area to make him OOC :) My worry though is Chenoa's FAST liking to Ron; not even regular people can get close to someone that quickly. Ron's reply of helping her do homework was a bit OOC as he would probably refer to Hermione. Interesting point would be that the reason why guys like her is a part veela? Something that might explain a reason why everyone takes a liking to her so quickly (save the Slytherins).
Author's Response: Sixth year, I believe I stupidly put that in in the first sentence. *smacks self on forehead* As to Chenoa liking Ron real fast....well....I can't give too much away, but she knows life is short. No way is she part veela, however.