IT WAS SNAPE! I'd bet all my galleons it was him! The greasy slimeball!... ooh! a quidditch match! must... watch... quidditch! update soon!
oooh! first review! EVIL MRS. LUPIN! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL! omg i HATE her! she must DIE??? why does she hate Rachel so much to abondone her???????
what the??? only one chapter??? o well... update soon! its cruel that the mother favors Remus... i hope she DIES (just kidding)
wut was Remus' and Rachel father forced to do??? *rereads chapter*
It started out nicely. Harryís lines were in character (I could see him saying what he did), and the lyrics were well chosen.
I do feel it could be elaborated. Why were they fighting about Sirius? Harry just said a simple ďWe had another row yesterday.Ē Emphasize on that! Isnít this argument the reason Harry feels how he feels and the base of the entire one-shot? You need a flashback or another way of explaining to the reader this argument.
Another thing you could add to make this fic a tad bit longer and deeper is to give the reader full knowledge of how Harry feels. The entire fic is basically dialogue and dialogue alone canít explain the whole story while the lyrics of the song canít explain all the emotions.
Donít take this the wrong way; your dialogue was excellent. Itís just missing description and action to back it up.
*dramatic music plays in background* dun dun dun! good! harry wants his old life back! FINALLY! god i wanna smack ron with a beater's bat so hard! and ginny/alice cuzz she is a @#$%.
wow... that was the longest chapter i have ever seen in my entire time on mugglenet... but its gret anyway! ha ha, i wished snape had died...
Author's Response: HA! sirius: so do we all... remus: sirius!
wow, that was the shortest chapter i have ever read in my entire life... o well, MAKE IT LONGER! I know you have something good going on so PLEASE strech it out!
Author's Response: wait till u get to chapter 14..... no does 7000 words sound long to you?
OMG ITS STILL SHORT! MAKE IT BIGGER OR I WILL HEX YOU!
Author's Response: hehe read my other authors response
i closed my eyes while reading half of the chapter because i was so freakin' sad! please have your nxt chapters be less miserable... please? 9/10 because i only read half of it
Author's Response: Aw, thankyou! Don't worry, the next chapter is happier than this one ... but I'll warn you now, this is not a happy story! Obviously I don't want to give much away, but there's going to be quite a few deaths in the later chapters...unfortunately Voldemort doesn't really stop to consider the feelings of others (Very rude of him, don't you think?!)
*growls menacingly* grrr... poor evans family. waht about petunia, will she go to st. mundgo's? lily's mom died in a mall... that's new...
Author's Response: lol it was about the least cliched thing I could come up with! Fortunately...oops, I mean unfortunately...Petunia's a muggle so not allowed into St. Mungo's - the hospital made a special exception for Lily's parents but will not let any more muggles inside. Which is very good, cos I don't think poor Lils could have coped with an annoying sister at the same time!
I LOVE this story! PLEASE ADD MORE CHAPTERs SOON! I'm DYING here! awww... James looks so CUTE in Quidditch robes. I love that line. *laughs evilly*
over already???? wow today must be short chapter day.
hahaha... i like magining young Remus baning his forehead against the wooden table. hee hee. *cracks up again* hahaha james acted really stupid/arrogant! so FUNNY! haha update soon!
ARGH! WHO IS IT? UPDATE SOON OR IM GONNA DIE AND HAUNT UR NIGHTMARES! WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR EVERYTHING? *screams inside* *grabs brown hair and tugs hard, but not harden enough to pull it all out* *don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead, held up so high on such a breakable thread (my happy ending- avril lavigne)*
oooh... conflict with Slytherins, i like... really nice story! this one, i acctually read the whole thing!
ha ha ha "bloody americans" i liked the line. it was such a good mix of what i thought and british...
aw man! i was remus who said "cool trick!" ihoped it would be someone EVIL and wanted to KILL Lily! Lily better not begin to like Remus and vice versa. I give an 8 because it was Remus, not some EVIL guy...
OMG! i LOVE that! i remember reading that passage again and again in harry potter 5 and now its in FanFiction! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! i just kept smiling while thinking the James's SON is watching all of this! wheeeeeee!... i don't sound very evil, do i? anyway... update soon please!
how does it remind u of wicked? i saw the play, too and i thought it was great! *update soon!* Harry's so CUTE!