Hello! I'm Chelsea. The range of fanfiction genres I read and write is ever-expanding, and if I stop procrastinating there should be a fair few stories on this page soon. In the meantime, why not check out my favourites lists to find some excellent stories and authors?
I'm a canon shipper, and I also love rarepairs. Minor characters are my favourites to write! I'm addicted to second person POV, and I can't write plots to save my life.
You can find me on the Beta Boards under the same username - I'm not around much these days but if you drop me a PM I will respond. And if you read my fics, I'd be ever so grateful if you let me know what you think - reviews are love :)
The Broom Cupboard - Fred/you. An angsty sort of romance, and probably the writing I'm most proud of :)
Chocolate Cheesecake - Sirius/Marlene. Again, a romance set in dark and difficult times, but this time with dessert.
Etched in Gold - Cedric/Katie. Short and sweet with that dash of impending doom that I seem to like to add >.<
The Murder of Scorpius Malfoy - written for the Gauntlet, late 2008. I may or may not complete this someday. =/
Summary: This is book two in the "Potter's Pentagon" trilogy. Read "Potter's Pentagon: The Five" first, myesss? Cool.
WARNING: This story contains French people, an internal monologue about a blue orange, adolescent facial hair, good old-fashioned snogging, superstitious truck drivers, a portrait who calls everyone "Mavis," a zoo break-in, some very strange clothes, romantic conflict galore, and Ron Weasley's caffeine addiction. And worst of all, Professor Zabini!
Hogwarts is hosting the Triwizard Tournament, and when one of the members of Potter's Pentagon is selected to represent the school, much excitement ensues. Simultaneously, elections are being held for Minister of Magic, and things are getting busy at the Ministry.
Not to mention the fact that Jordan's made a new Muggle friend without informing her of the itty-bitty fact that he's magical, Haley has found an enchanted diary of dubious origin, Ted's met a werewolf from Beauxbatons, and Emma... well, Emma's not having a good year.
And what exactly is Ivy up to, anyway?
Everyone has secrets. But in the end, the truth will have to come out.
Starring Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character Nominees Ivy Potter, Emma Weasley, Haley Potter, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for Best Post-Hogwarts story in the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Awards!
You have exactly 400 reviews, Schmergo! And just because I haven't reviewed book two once, I'm going to ruin that nice round number. Even though all I have to say is...
EXCELLENT JOB, SCHMERGO!
I would mention all my favourite parts, but I'd just end up copying and pasting the whole chapter, so suffice to say you are amazing. I don't know how you manage to create such lovable and lively characters and come up with such good plots. But keep it up :)
Author's Response: Wow, awesome! It\'s cool to get so many reviews. And I\'m really blushing after reading the compliments on the characters... and especially the plots (which I\'m quite insecure about.)
Summary: Harry spends a sleepless night at Ginny's bedside, with nothing but memories to keep him company.
Great job! I really liked the structure of this, and it's so great to read something without any grammar errors! I'll keep an eye out for your chaptered fic!
Author's Response: Quite the complement! Thanks so much for reviewing.
Summary: Each moment is a decision, defined by the circumstances. Who knows? Had it not been for an overprotective cousin, perhaps Rose Weasley and Scorpius Malfoy could have been the best of friends. Perhaps in one point in time and space, they are. As it happens, their relationship was defined by one catalytic factor, James Potter, and now,they are sworn enemies.
This story is a chronicle of their first year at Hogwarts, and their last. It is a tale of happenstance and familial influence, of an enmity that was not theirs to decide. Read and find out how such an enmity can influence the lives of two innocent children and wreck them. Will the injury last forever?
Due to my heavy work-schedule, this fic will be on hold till early June. My apologies to all.
MANUUUUUUU!!! You published a fic! You're such an amazing drabbler, now we can finally read something nice and looooooong from you!
Okay, my thoughts on this prologue:
I love how all the sentences are so short, and you have short little sections from each of them in turn. It gives it a sense of immediacy, I really feel like it's happening right now and I'm there. And you didn't bog it down with a lot of detail. But even though you didn't describe every little moment, we can tell what's happening. I thought that was really effective.
I particularly like the last two sections. They're so cute! I love how they're echoing each other's thoughts! And how Rosie has home-made cookies - in true Weasley fashion, I think. And "you're so pink, like a rose". Cute!
Well, can't wait to see the next chappie. This is great, Manu!!
Author's Response: Chella! Another DD. LEL! The DL is bursting with happines XD. I like that line too, and I\'m so happy someone shares my views. I was going for the same effect with the short sentences, and I\'m sooo glad you noticed. =) *squishes and huggles*
Ooooh, teh dramaness!
I read this chappie as soon as it was posted, Manu, and finally I'm getting around to reviewing.
Well. You certainly jumped straight into the conflict, didn't you? What an emotion-filled chapter. It's calm at the beginning, there's some embarassment, then some anguish and anger. You packed a lot into this chapter. It leaves the reader speechless for a moment at the end while they take it all in!
Hmm, I have to agree with what some other reviewers have said, though, in that I don't think they really sound like eleven-year-olds. Rose's little speech was beautiful, but a bit too profound for someone so young. I'm betting, though, that the thing about always forgiving people if they apologise under the night sky will come back later, no?
James is certainly a typical Potter/Weasley male, isn't he? Good to see you picking up on that from the epilogue and bringing it into the story.
All your grammar and such seems to be correct, which earns you a box of cookies from me, being the nitpicking DD that I am! xD
And you get a milkshake as well, for the general greatness of this fic. Enjoy the cookies and milkshake while you work on more chappies, MEL!
Chella (who now has an LJ)
*cough* Actually, as soon as I clicked Submit for that last review, I spotted a little typo on the last line of the chapter:
And a weeping Rose was left to be comforted by her cousin, as the door click shut yet again.
It should be clicked shut, not click.
Summary: Lily Evans has problems. She sleepwalks, (and always ends up in strange places) she is disorganised, flunking Arithmancy, and, to her dismay, was made Head Girl. There is also the problem of James Potter, who refuses to stop asking her out. Will she ever pull herself together enough to give him a chance?
Hello! Well, this is an excellent start to a fic. I'm very impressed with how you've successfully avoided Mary-Sue!Lily and incorporated a lot of humour.
First off, I love the title of the fic. It caught my attention immediately, as it's different to the boring, generic titles that are so often seen in this genre. Your summary then built on that by outlining Lily's 'problems', which I'm pretty sure a lot of us teenage girls can relate to.
This is really fussy of me, but I actually have a nitpick about the summary *blush*. You don't need a comma after 'She sleepwalks', but rather after the phrase in parentheses after it.
Yeah, now on to the actual chapter...
I absolutely love Lily's narration! She seems so realistic and down-to-earth and is really amusing. And I love the quirk you've given her (sleepwalking). That's so original; I've never seen that one used before. And it provides excellent opportunities for funny moments later in the fic! I also love that she writes romance :D Again, a very original take on Lily!
Your version of Petunia is good - she's not TOO over-the-top (calling Lily a freak every second word and so on, as happens in a lot of fics), but she's recognisable as the Petunia we all know and love (?). And you gave her a bit of spark - putting a slug down Lily's back! Lol!
It's great how you introduced a conflict - her family bothering her about getting a boyfriend while she wants to find the perfect guy - straight away. I'm also very interested to see how you weave the idea of Cinderella into the fic. I loved how you slipped a quick reference to Prince Charming (by Lily's mum) in there too! Very subtle, nice job!
There were a few teensy formatting errors in there, such as in this line:
"WHAT?" I shriek..
You have two full stops. But overall the fic is pretty readable with very few spelling or grammar problems.
Off to read the next chapter now!
Summary: Two thousand feet walk under the streetlights as a thousand lives forget a million footsteps and turn their backs on a hundred ways to say, 'I cared.'
Sirius runs away from home, taking with him one solitary memory...
Winner of the 2008 QSQ for Best Marauder-Era one-shot!
Wow, Mia, this is amazing.
Second person POV was really effective for this fic - it made it so much more personal - and you pulled it off really well: it didn't sound forced or odd (when I think of second person, those choose-your-own adventure stories spring to mind, and they always feel so strange to read).
The dialogue between young Sirius and Regulus was convincingly child-like and I love the way you made Sirius kind of the ring-leader. This sentence was great: "Your voice isn’t torn like your brother’s. He’s never known how to make choice and you’ve never known how to compromise." It highlights a key difference in their characters in a very concise way.
And this: "(you ignore them, because you’ve gotten good at ignoring advice you simply can not take)" is an excellent way of showing how Sirius feels about his family - incorporating it into the events of the story rather than just saying "you're sick of your family".
You wrote the jumping between past and present really well, too. It wasn't at all confusing.
Overall, this is just really well-written. It drew me in from the first line and was well-paced the whole way through... I don't know how to explain this, but I felt it had a regular pace or beat, just as though I was walking along a street... it never seemed to falter or race *hopes she doesn't sound crazy*
Basically, I loved it, dear!
Author's Response: Hi Chelsea! This is one of the best reviews I\'ve ever received. Honestly. \r\n\r\nI love reviews that quote their favorite parts. And, coincidentally, that first bit you quoted is one of my favorites in this fic too. :) Lol, your comment about pace made me smile. I hadn\'t thought of that before, but I suppose it\'s possible. \r\n\r\nAgain, thanks very much! I appreciate it.
Summary: Imagine the pure agony that must be endured in a transformation. Can you capture the fear? How can you possibly put into words the magnitude of anxiety one would feel? Remus Lupin knows it all too well.
Very, very good job, dear!
You know the questions asked in the summary?Imagine the pure agony that must be endured in a transformation. Can you capture the fear? How can you possibly put into words the magnitude of anxiety one would feel?
You did it! You captured it and put it into words. You did it superbly.It was almost dusk. The sun kissed the horizon goodbye as the moon slowly rose, taking its place.
^ I love this opening line. You showed us the sunset in just a few words – there’s a certain beauty and calmness to the scene, and the beauty with which the reader would normally associate with the moon really contrasts with the way you go on to describe Remus’ feelings to the moon, as in this passage later on:Remus took one last glance at the night sky. He would never truly be able to appreciate the beauty of the full moon. His opinion distorted, it would always be a curse, a reminder of the tortured howls he emitted, the self-inflicted wounds.
^ Lovely writing there: simple but so powerful.
And the transformation description: just wow. It’s so detailed, I can tell you must have put a lot of thought and imagination into that. Everything down to the way his senses changed – I don’t blame Mere and Jenna for questioning whether you are in fact a werewolf, because this is so convincing.
I like that you included lots of different emotions in this story, such as Remus’ multiple feelings about his friends coming – he’s not just worried about them, he’s embarrassed, and so on. It makes it so much more real and conveys the confusion that he no doubt feels.
And the absence of dialogue – I like that. We really are in Remus’ head.He bristled. The time was nearing. Remus had gotten lost in his thoughts again, losing track precious. There, it was that feeling again. The one he got rather frequently right before a transformation. His body responding quicker than his mind could process it. His transformation was beginning.
^ Ooh, the sentences there are sort of fragmented and it lends a great tension to the passage. Wonderful writing. But, as Mere said, that second sentence doesn’t make sense...
I have a couple of other technical nitpicks:It was about time to meet Madam Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing, she always liked him to be prompt, just incase.
‘Incase’ should be two words, and I’d replace the first comma with a colon or something so the sentence isn’t a run-on.The tunnel was bleak and musky. It had a funny smell to it, making Remus’ noise scrunch in irritation.
Haha, his ‘nose’, not his ‘noise’ ;)
All in all, a very impressive fic. You captured Remus and lycanthropy just perfectly. It was a pleasure to read and review.
Summary: It’s coming, believe it or not. The Ministry doesn’t believe it, but who will then? It’s infuriating to know you’re invisible to society, but then there’s something exhilarating, entrancing about it. It’s dancing the devilish dance: provocative, teasing- leaving the viewers wanting more, or better yet, it’s like having an addiction.
An addiction with a purpose to be more precise… oh, and the occasional bite. Who are we then? We’re the out casted of the outcasts within a secluded society that further alienates us and leaves us utterly alone, but we’ve finally found each other so we’re not as alone. Things can change in an instance, though, and they already have. I have to confess: I’m scared, but I’ve already started to dance so I must keep dancing.
And besides, I don’t want the vampire or werewolf communities seizing control of the Ministry because I’ve already seen what they’ve done.
Ooh, a good start, Jess. I'm intrigued!
Your title and summary really caught my attention and I could tell from the summary that this fic would be unique - which this chapter confirmed. This was a good overview of Dacia's past and her view of herself. The thing that interests me most is her attraction to Dante, of which we're only given brief glimpses. The last line of the summary: "And besides, I don’t want the vampire or werewolf communities seizing control of the Ministry because I’ve already seen what they’ve done" has really got me wondering what's happened, too; and I'm sure we'll see more about this in later chapters. My favourite line is probably this: "It (drinking) couldn’t save her, but then who or what could?" Again, it gets me wondering.
Sooo, all in all, this has got me asking lots of questions, just as the opening of a story should. And it looks like this will be a good mix of danger, action and roooomance.
I didn't spot any typos, either... :D
"Damn full moon, Dacia thought quietly to herself." Is it possible to think loudly? Heehee. I see what you mean, though... I picture her thinking kind of sadly to herself, in her quiet apartment.
I'll be looking out for updates (I'm sure they'll all be announced in the BB, no?); I'm very interested to see where this goes!
*gently but not annoyingly prods to update soon, lol*
Author's Response: I\'m working on updating it right now. I\'m editing Chapter Two. And of coures, you can expect floods of \'Of Blood\' in BB, bahah.(: Thank you for your review, Chels, it made me smile-- big time.:D
Summary: The final installment in the Potter’s Pentagon Trilogy. Read “The Five” and “The Truth” first, myess? Okay!
WARNING! Contains Muggle adventures in Diagon Alley, unusual eyebrows, cheesy clichés galore, psycho Ted, the not-so-lost years of Merlin, a school-wide singalong, the old potato joke, Tyrone’s Princess Bride obsession, Emma’s stubborn denial of the existence of Tyrone’s mustache, a graphic death, a joke shop product as a major plot device, hobo Jordan, Jordan hugging, Jordan pulling pranks, time travel, the Love Shack, angst, and worst of all, Professor Zabini.
It’s the sixth year for Potter’s Pentagon and company, and our heroes learn that in the wizarding world, coming of age has a somewhat weightier significance. Students are busy with an Inter-House Unity Project, Jordan is having weird dreams, Pansy and Ophidias Malfoy have been released from Azkaban, Professor Zabini has a mysterious project of his own, and almost everyone is acting strangely. Meanwhile, at the Ministry of Magic, a man with a vendetta against Ron Weasley is trying his hardest to get him in the biggest trouble possible. Is the only way to save him to travel into the past?
New talents are discovered, new friendships form and old ones change, pasts are dredged up, and, of course, there’s lots of good old-fashioned snogging. And one of the five kills for the first time… while another becomes a casualty of war.
Starring 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Male Original Character runner-up Jordan Potter, Best Female Original Character nominees Ivy Potter, Haley Potter, Emma Weasley, and Giorgi Anderson, and Best Male Original Character nominee Ted Lupin! Nominated for 2008 Quicksilver Quills Best Post-Hogwarts Story.
Diabetes? I knew it!! Hehe. A family friend was diagnosed last year, so I recognised the symptoms chapters ago :( Aww, poor Ted! I just want to give him a hug. You're so mean to him, Schmergo dear. (On a side note, I realised as I read this chapter that I know a real life version of Ted! I can't believe I never realised it before...) It's a good thing he has such a great optimistic attitude. And a lovely Ivy to look after him.
Now, brilliant chapter as always. I loved the whole Haley-Lupin-chocolate-stealing thing. Seeing Anatoly stick up for Haley was great, too; Jordan's creepy Seer-ness is intriguing; and Tyrone splinching his 'mustache'... well, that was just priceless. Emma's never going to let him forget that, is she?
Anyway, I'd better go check out the art contest entries!
Author's Response: Thanks! And it's awesome that you know a Ted. I have a friend who reminds me of Ted, but he mooooooooved, so I'm rather sad. I haven't actually posted the extra art contest winners yet on the Crow's Nest, so I guess I better do that pronto!
First review for this chapter! *fangirlish squee*
Well, I haven't reviewed this series for ages, so I just wanted you to know I still love it :)
Yet again you've introduced some intriguing new plotlines... I can't wait for more!
I hope you have a good trip, Schmergo!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks, Chelsea! I'm in Florida right now... I was typing, and all of a sudden, my laptop started randomly accessing the internet! So I took the advantage.
Summary: In the beginning, my childhood, the path was clear. Follow the seven rules, go to school, graduate and get married. It was my duty as well as my destiny.
Yet, starting on my seventeenth birthday, a series of events caused everything I had ever known to change. A single boy broke through into my sheltered existence and made me rethink everything I had ever thought. Suddenly I was faced with a new future, an alternative destiny. One that was entirely unknown.
In the end I had to choose.
Abuse is only verbal and Sexual Situations are mild.
Wow, Helen! These first two chapters have me absolutely intrigued.
I love your unique version of the Black family women, with the cult-like aspect.
Your Ted is adorable, and it's interesting to see Andromeda's inner conflict. She clearly doesn't want to stick to the family mould, even if she doesn't know it yet. I'm really excited to see how you develop the story.
Some nitpicks, though - 'charms' should have a capital, and you've got pure blood, pureblood, and Pureblood in this chapter. According to the Lexicon, it's pure-blood.
This seems really well-written and well thought out so far, so I can't wait for more! Amazing job.
Summary: Regulus Black looks back on his too-short life as he prepares for his final moments.
A rare pair indeed! It's interesting to consider whether someone may have influenced Regulus in his actions... could it all have been out of love, as with Dumbledore and Grindelwald?
I think you wrote Regulus very plausibly. We don't know a lot about him, so you have the freedom to explore what his motivations may have been other than just family expectations.
Snape, however, doesn't seem right to me. I can't imagine him taking a younger student under his wing, thinking of himself as their older brother, corresponding with them over summer, revealing his deepest secrets to them. Severus, as we have seen, is very good at maintaining a facade. Him crying in the Room of Requirement over Lily I can imagine - but I don't think he'd reveal his weakness to a Slytherin. And Slytherin is more of an 'every man for himself' place: links were formed for convenience, not friendship. So Sev's actions in this fic don't seem accurate. Why would he single Regulus out and reveal so much of his true self to him? The second flashback tells us that Reg worked to prove himself to Sev - but I think you need to show us the time the relationship took to build. With some more detail, using Sev's characteristics to explain his behaviour, you could make this fic more believable. Or perhaps you could write a companion piece from Severus' point of view?
But the concept explored in this fic really is intriguing. Dumbledore blinded by love/infatuation and almost did horrible things, and I love how you considered whether that could explain the actions of others in the Potterverse - especially as we know Reg changed his views eventually.
Love was like a pack of werewolves, I thought to myself, harmless most of the time, but also a bloodthirsty monster.
^ I love that simile. It fits the HP universe so well, and also hints at Regulus not necessarily holding strong prejudices, as he recognises that werewolves are mostly harmless, which most of the magical community does not.
I like the structure of this one-shot, too. You tell us a story through just small snippets, and it's very well done. The only thing I might have done differently would be to write the first and last sections in present tense. Regulus' calmness in the face of death is already eerie, but putting it in present tense could make those parts contrast more with the flashbacks and give it a stronger sense of immediacy, helping to give readers goosebumps. That's just a personal preference, though. It works fine as it is.
All in all this is very interesting and well-written - just a bit more supporting detail to explain Severus' behaviour would really turn this into a great piece. How did you come up with this pair, by the way? Were pairs assigned for the challenge, or is it from your own imagination? It would be a tricky pairing to be assigned, but the unrequited love story is certainly the best way to write it to make it believable.
Well done! I look forward to reading more from you!
Summary: The war is over, the battles have been won. Hermione, Ron and Harry are settling down into a world without Voldemort, and for once in their lives, everything is going smoothly.
Until they travel to Australia to find Hermione's parents. As experienced as they are, nothing could prepare them for this - kangaroos, the scorching sun, a Wizarding community completely different from theirs, and one little problem no one was expecting ...
This was a lovely start, my dear!
I think your vision of how the wizarding world would be after the war is very accurate, and I really liked the opening (with Hermione remembering all the losses, and the nice summary of things that have happened in the last month).
There were some nice little things in there that showed that you're not leaving loose threads, too - I loved the idea of Harry researching his family history, and the sad little part about getting a new owl.
The romance in this chapter was sweet - Hermione and Ron in the early stages of their relationship are so cute! - and the characterisation mostly spot on. I'm surprised Hermione accepted Harry's money so easily, though. Even if she knew the only way to get the money was to ask him, I would have thought she would offer to pay it back eventually, or be very grateful to him. But other than that, I thought they were all perfect :D
Your spelling and grammar was all perfect, too - no less than I'd expect from you and Jo ;)
The only nitpick I found was in this line:
‘It’s not going to be a holiday,’ she replied, having resigned to the fact that they were coming, whether she liked it or not.
It should say 'resigned herself '.
This chapter ended nicely. I liked the image of the pair in peace... but the last sentence, "Hopefully their expedition to Australia would go just as well", hints that there's going to be some bumps in the road ahead... heehee, I can't wait :D
All in all, lovely job. You have such a nice, sweet writing style, not too bogged down with detail. I can't wait to read more of this fic.
By the way, Jen, if you're not already one of my Favourite Authors, you're going on there.
Remus Lupin and Lily Evans find a new meaning behind the wizarding tradition of Spells or Sweets, (or as you may think of it as Trick-or-Treating), and embark on a hilarious adventure on Hallowe'en night involving ricocheting spell books, exploding chocolate frogs, and the spark of romance.
I am Accio Avery of Ravenclaw, and this is my submission for the Hallowe'en Rairpair Challenge.
Aw, what a cute story, Avery! It's fluffy but not gooey - there's a nice hint of awkwardness, perfect for this budding romance. I liked the little touch of Remus wanting to impress her.
I don't think you need the ----- break between the first two sections, as no time passed so it would be clearer and smoother if you linked it with words, rather than chopping it up.
The characterisation was nice. Very natural. It's a little bit of a stretch to imagine Lily and Remus so willingly breaking the rules and doing that to Slughorn - I almost think it would have been more believable if they'd revealed themselves to Slughorn and maybe shared some crystallised pineapple with him ;) Their actions seemed slightly malicious - I can see them breaking the rules for some good innocent fun, and I think it would be plausible to have Slughorn letting them get away with it because Lily was one of his best students.
The idea of replacing Trick-or-Treat with Spells or Sweets is clever :)
I think the last sentence was, unfortunately, a little bit generic. You could replace it with something stronger, something that shows his happiness rather than basically just telling us. It just seems like a slightly cliched end.
But overall, this is really nice :) It's light and sweet without being sickly... just perfect. No spelling or grammar problems that I spotted, either. Great job!
Thank you! I really enjoyed writing it. :) I don't usually write in the Marauder era, so it was interesting to give it a try. I didn't want to go into a huge I'll love you forever, all I need is you type of romance and I'm happy that you saw that!
Thanks for reviewing, deeply appreciated,
Thanks for the critiquing as well.
Sirius Black stumbles onto a most curious scene while checking up on one of his closest friends, the wife of his best mate. Lost and confused he follows the signs until they reach into a depth unknown to him. From this point, he seeks the help of another dear friend, and together they think, suffer, and laugh their way to some answers and some dead ends. Only in the end, do they find the answer to the one question that burns in their minds: how will we go on?
I am MerryD of Hufflepuff and this was written for the Gauntlet Round Seven
Once again, this story needs reviews... Another good chapter, dear.
Regarding characterisation: I liked the interaction between Sirius and Remus - their friendly banter and the way they work together. True Marauders :) I also liked the way Sirius conceded that Narcissa is not pure evil - though I'm not sure if that really fits in with his canon characterisation. I always got the impression that he saw Narcissa as being cold - not mad like Bellatrix, but not 'empathetic' like Andromeda could be seen as being. Of course, I do agree that she is empathetic, I just think Sirius is a bit too proud to see it? Hmm. Enough of my fussy musings.
At first I was confused as to why they are there, but that was soon cleared up - however, I'm still not sure where they are or how they got there. I think a little more detail linking this chapter and the last would have made it easier to understand.
You certainly captured the spookiness quite well, though. The way you juxtaposed humour with a sudden change to a rather grim scene was very effective. I think a bit more description could really have amped up the effect of this scary scene - a few more mentions of colours, sounds, smells, things like gnarled trees and whispering breezes could bring this to life. Just something to think about next time you're writing something with a creepy atmosphere like this.
There were a few places where I was impressed with the little details that enriched your writing. This line jumped out at me:
... the image of the skulls tattooing itself on their minds.
... Ooh, just like the Dark Mark is a tattoo of a skull! If you did that intentionally, it's very clever.
He had barely digested the scene before him when the contents of his stomach came hurling out, at the pace of a Snitch.
That sentence is also interesting, with the way you turned a metaphorical digestion into literal hurling, and managed to include a reference to the Wizarding world to give it that Harry Potter feel :)
And oh, a cliffhanger. You left off at the perfect place - I'm almost frightened of what they might find. Creepy.
Summing up: keep up the great hold on characterisation you have, dear, and just work on setting a great scene to support it. All in all, a good job :)
Still no reviews, Mere? We'll have to fix that...
The first chapter is great - I can feel the tension building up after that nice description at the beginning, as Sirius scares himself in the mirror, finds the blood, frantically rushes around the house, etc. It's interesting how you don't have Sirius finding Lily's body, but just knowing that she's dead - it adds another mystery to this fic. And I love how you show the importance Lily had to not just James, but Sirius and Remus and everyone else in the order.
A couple of nitpicks:
This sense of being watched was so strong, that he kept sending suspicious glances over his shoulders. => No comma needed.
One thing stood out clearly to him, though: He would not tell James. Not yet. => Maybe replace 'thing' with 'thought', so it doesn't sound as though there's an object he's focussing on? And 'He' doesn't need to be capitalised.
I like the image of Sirius crawling on all fours, following a trail of blood with his nose, at the beginning of Chapter Two. That must have been an intentional reference to his Animagus form, right? It's good. Subtle.
And in that chapter, you emphasise again how well Lily, Sirius and Remus knew each other - not only does Sirius find clues because of his familiarity with Lily's habits, but Lily also manages to leave them a message. Nicely done.
But you repeatedly wrote 'letters' as 'lettres'. Maybe you were mixed up with British English, but unlike 'centre/center' and 'theatre/theater', 'letter' always ends with -er, dear ;)
In the third chapter, things really gain momentum. I love those short, snappy final two sections - but you've left us at a cliffhanger! The plot really is thickening... I'm intrigued...
The moon was bright last night. I hope your rabbit didn’t bite you too hard. Heehee - his 'furry little problem'. Nice code! It's good how you managed to do it so that readers can understand, rather than having to have Remus explain everything.
I think your characterisation of Sirius and Remus is good throughout, with their Gryffindor determination and the way they work to their strengths. And the hint of sarcasm coming out: “Yeah, that’d work out well,” said Sirius sarcastically. “I’m sure Narcissa wouldn’t mind me knocking on her door and asking, ‘Cissy, dearest, did you murder Lily Potter?’ at all.”
Your chapter titles and the quotes you've chosen fit so well! Although they're definitely getting more cryptic...
You seem to have a done a good job of weaving the prompts in smoothly so far, and this fic is constantly becoming darker and more complex. I can't wait to see what happens next, hon.
Summary: We must know a person thoroughly before we can love.
It’s Christmas Eve, and Astoria Greengrass Malfoy waits for her husband’s return from work. She remembers from when she first met him to their wedding.
When Draco finally comes home, he finds a present of a different kind.
Bine, this is an interesting and very well-written story. I like how you slowly wove it together with flashbacks and little hints of Astoria’s pregnancy. You really showed us rather than told us what had happened, and that’s great.Silently, snow fell down, slowly covering houses and trees with a thin white blanket. The trees in the park had long ago fallen into their annual slumber, shredding their green dresses in preparation for the change of year. Naked, their fingers pointed towards the dark navy sky, illuminated only by the twinkling starlight. A dark moon rose for its journey along the horizon.
^ That was a simply beautiful description! I love the metaphor you used for the trees. This passage perfectly sets the mood of the story: it’s poetic and serious. It drew me into the scene, a calm winter’s night... Just lovely, Bine. I really love your skill at creating images with simple yet effective words.My feet I had put up onto the lounge, covering them with a velvet blanket to keep them warm.
^ This is rather fussy of me, but I think it would sound more natural to say “I had put my feet up onto...” – your construction doesn’t sound quite like what a native speaker would say, although it does make sense.
Still, I do love the cosy image you’ve given us of Astoria. Again, I’m drawn into the story, intrigued by the idea that while she’s perfectly comfortable, she’s hurting inside.The light had been turned off, and utter darkness filled the house. Even the whiteness outside did not help illuminating anything inside the house.
^ You said “the house” twice in close proximity there – I don’t think it’s needed at the end of the second sentence.With a loud curse on my lips – that degraded the wise wizard named Merlin to the lowest level life knew – and an even louder thud – which’s echo surely travelled miles, testifying my clumsy ability of ice skating – my already painfully throbbing behind landed on the cold and hard iced surface of the lake once again.^ Eek – that paragraph was rather confusing! First off, we don’t say “which’s” – I’d change it to “the echo of which”. Then there’s this part: “testifying my clumsy ability of ice skating”. That doesn’t make sense. You could say something like “testifying to my lack of ice-skating ability” or “testifying to my clumsiness” or “testifying to my clumsy ice-skating”. So you’d end up with something like this:With a loud curse on my lips – that degraded the wise wizard named Merlin to the lowest level life knew – and an even louder thud – the echo of which surely travelled miles, testifying to my clumsy ice-skating – my already painfully throbbing behind landed on the cold and hard iced surface of the lake once again.Right, last nit-pick:I guess, had I looked into a mirror at that moment, I would surely have looked like a zombie.
^ Do they have zombies in the Potterverse? Why not change that to Inferius? ;)
Now, all in all, a very good story! I thought your characterisation was good – it does seem unlikely that Draco would find it easy to be a loving husband, and I liked that you showed Narcissa in quite a different light to what we’re used to!
The way you described Draco’s response to Scorpius’ birth was excellent: “Instead, silence settled over the office, as thick and heavy as the snow outside. And yet, it was not a cold silence, but a warm one. I had a son. I was going to be a father. The father of my own son!” Wow – that showed us the change that came over him at the news in a really unique way!
At the end of the second-to-last section, which of them was the one who said Scorpius’ name? I couldn’t tell...
In the last section (and the story as a whole, for that matter!) you captured the meaning of the quote perfectly. An excellent ending.
Well done, dear. This was a pleasure to read.-- Chelsea
Summary: In the tradition of You-and-Me Nuggets.
How did James get Lily to reconsider he might be better than the giant squid? How did Harry propose to Ginny? And how do Rose and her mother make Ron grumpy despite the holiday food?Three generations of redheads and certain significant Christmases in their lives...
These three little bits of Christmas charm are simply lovely, my dear.
From the very first line, with the owl against an ‘opalescent sky’, you set a scene of wintry elegance which fits the simple tales to follow. I adore the warmth and stylishness you give James’ parents. Lily’s characterisation is excellent, too: you show that she still thinks James a bit silly and Petunia excessively jealous, but you don’t dwell on these points as some authors seem to do. Her reasons for attending the party after all are believable and show that she doesn’t completely detest James, and is a mature and gracious young lady. All in all, a likable and realistic character who doesn’t reach the irritating extremes other authors often send her to.
They were so nice it made Lily’s suspicious whether James was a goblin changeling.
^ No need for the apostrophe-s in there, but otherwise a nice touch of magical humour. The Aunt Bree humour also lightens up the story, the Marauders are characterised nicely, and the ending is simple, sweet, and “aw”-inducing. Perfectly warm and Christmassy J
The second part was, I’m afraid, my least favourite, but that probably has something to do with my lack of fondness for trio-era fics ;) The linking of the two sections through the PC was nice – but I was expecting that to come up again in the last part; why no sign of it with Rose and Scorpius? It was a very Harry-ish way to propose, though – not too dramatic and fancy, just in the kitchen. I can’t really imagine him singing, but I’ll go with it ^^ My favourite bit was the mention of Molly’s kids being glad to have her normal self back, even if it was grumpy. A nice way to show that they haven’t forgotten poor Fred.
And then the Rose and Scorpius part: just lovely. Oh, Ron, he’ll never let go, will he? Yet his girls love him anyway.
Your descriptions in this part conjured up beautiful images in my head.
Outside, snow swirled in gentle eddies, as though revolving to a slow song. The house was snug and warm, redolent of mint, meat, and merriness.
^ What a lovely simile there, “revolving to a slow song”. Just gorgeous.
She reappeared in the sitting room of a small log cabin, so charming and cozy in its old red chintz furniture and its glittering icicle-festooned, faerie-lit tree.
^ Gorgeous again, a simple description yet such a warm picture.
Rose and Scorpius’ interaction is lovely. And they have a little girl, eh? What did they name her, I wonder?
All in all three enchanting little stories, warm and festive and simple. No one could have pulled this off quite like you – I’m sure Jen loved this.