I'm Jan, I live in the North of England with my lovely family; one husband and two delightful (most of the time) kids.I'm a buyer for a UK retailer, but spend my spare time reading and writing. And then any other spare time I spend online! I'm a moderator here at MNFF and have been known to beta read occasionally!.
I have one novel-length fic up (The Daughter of Light) and am currently working on its sequel, The Severed Souls. It wasn't supposed to be about my OC and Snape, but they ended up taking over! I've also got a few one-shots up and copious amounts of poetry.
*Grins* Love your disclaimer! Liked the opening very much, it had a panoramic feel to it that felt like the opening to a film. I liked Harry’s thought processes and I thought you managed a well-balanced introduction to the aftermath of the events in the DoM. I thought this line “It kept bothering him until now.” didn’t sound quite right and stood out as not making quite the sense I think you wanted it to. I did like this one though… “Sleep had been no friend of his the past two weeks he had stayed in his uncle’s house.” I liked your Dursleys, in particular Vernon’s reflection that they might have been bothering Harry rather than the other way around, typical Vernon! The Order members interacted nicely and I loved Arthur landing on Vernon… serves the oaf right. I do think that this line… “Harry raised his hand and came in front of them.” really needs changing; it’s not grammatically correct and sounds odd. But I thought this whole scene was well done and apart from that line it was good. You tied it in nicely with the end of OoTP in that Moody was protective of Harry and of what the Dursleys might have been doing to him. I thought you handled Ginny and Harry well, but don’t rush it… I know they have known each other for a long time but it would be nice to have a few chapters of the build up of their new relationship. I liked that Harry noted the comfortable feeling that holding Ginny gave him and went back for more… the poor boy has to get some comfort from somewhere. The only thing I didn’t like was the description of her eyes… chocolate is a bit of a weak description for brown eyes. I’d try for something a little more descriptive. So yes, I like it. It’s well written enough to stand out and is a good start to a sixth year fic. Oh1 Almost forgot, don’t use a dividing line when you change POV, it’s not necessary, it’s clear enough from the writing that this is happening.
Author's Response: NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A REVIEW, PEOPLE!!!! lol I'm really happy you overall liked it. I know some things need to be re-written or corrected, and I appreciate you pointing them out to me!! The first chapter, wasn't like this when I first wrote it, so there must be some grammar mistakes in it, especially in the whole Order-Dursley scene. It wasn't there originally, and when the chapter got rejected for not having a scene with the Dursleys I wrote it on the spot, straight on the submission form so, there you have it!!lol I'm really happy for reading your review. Made me want to write better, and be much more careful in the future.
Summary: A series of one-shots from inside the minds of various characters. Different formats and styles for each character.
This is a past featured story, but from way back before they did rosettes for it. Bellatrix, Gargoyle, Ollivander, Sorting Hat, Filch, Rita (New)
That was so perfectly funny and dry that it’s not hard to see where your literary influences come from, even if I didn’t already know you were a huge Adams fan. You have an eye for finding the ridiculous and making it seem perfectly reasonable to your lead character. Creating a world for Gargoyles to inhabit can’t have been easy, yet you brought some lovely flourishes to it. We know so little about the gargoyle and yet you have taken what we do know and worked with it, giving him a great personality. My favourite line, out of many favourite lines, had to be this one…
He decided to give up chess, he’d already managed to beat himself 6,339 times straight, and the next match had an aura of predictability.
Perfect! Sums up just how tedious the poor fellow’s life really is. He’s like a bored Jeeves, willing to serve well but with such disdain for the world he inhabits that it’s excruciatingly funny. And of course a Welshman would have to use Llanfair, what a tongue-tying password… I feel sorry for poor Sarpedon… it was the family’s fault, after all. But what really made this fic so good was the little details; The mention of them first meeting on the worktable, the idea of Gargoyles taking a sabbatical and sitting on an old cathedral for a few years, the fact that the ghosts cheat at chess and the Fat Lady’s wanderings with Fortescue. Not one joke or idea in this fic doesn’t work; they are all inspired.
There are grammar issues, instances of repetition and a few clunky sentences that would need a beta read to sort out but it’s so dry and witty that I don’t care!
Author's Response: Don\'t know what to say, except a large thank you for the review (and for making it a positive one)
Yuck! You made me see Bella in an almost sympathetic light and for that I will never, ever forgive you. :-) I saw you working through this idea on the forums and I was never quite convinced but in the flesh (so to speak) you pulled it off. I like the idea of the initiation, it's something akin to a debutante taking their place in society. You have taken us behind the scenes of a sadistic personality and made us see her with fresh eyes and that's a good thing. I did want to pluck out some stray commas (a whole paragraph without a full stop is quite an achievement!) and insert them in one or two other places but then commas always are pesky little things. This works really well as a one-shot... a glimpse into a personality that we normally write off as being too evil to care about....well done.
Author's Response: I knew cheap hints would work. As for commas, I just randomly add one every now and again, seems to work. Doesn't Bella deserve a little sympathy? As for the debutante thing that's what I was aiming for, almost something similar to "The Talk". I'll just take the compliment and run ;)
Nice opener, Max. The first few chapters are all about scene setting so this worked well on that score. I liked the switches in POV; they weren’t too abrupt and worked quite well for an opener. Just be careful of doing it too much as you progress in your fic because it can be distracting if done often. All your characters are nicely drawn and very convincing, I’m not sure that Mrs Weasley would be drinking Espresso and closet should be wardrobe. (Can’t resist the odd britpick!) The scene with Draco was amusing and exactly the sort of thing he would do… perhaps the darts could be made slightly magical? Other than that that was a great scene. I also liked Ron’s charmed album with pictures of Hermione. Just be careful you don’t make Hermione too beautiful. Your descriptions throughout were good and it was nice to see believable dialogue. It’s a good start…looking forward to reading more.
Author's Response: First thanks for reviewing. As I do progress in my fic, (I am a few chapters ahead) the focus leans more towards Harry although there are little seccions from other characters. About Mrs. Weasley and Espresso, I just wanted to add a little touch in there. This will be answered later although you will have to think about it. I know some of you have been getting on me about the darts, so I might tweek it a little to make it more magical and less muggle. I am trying not to make her too beautiful, but it is through the eyes of the beholder. Thanks again for your complements and suggestions. I will update when my betas get Chapter 3 back to me (or when the updating is live again).
I like how you are bringing Lily and James together but not in too quick a way. You've managed to change James subtly, whilst retaining the playfulness that defines him. It will be interesting to watch this develop over the coming chapters. The way he reacted when Lily killed the snake showed his silly side but he'd matured enough to realise why she had stomped off and he apologised, that was quite touching. I also think you're doing a good job of showing Lily surrounded by friends. This can sometimes seem very false but you have made the friends seem natural, not just added on characters there to make Lily seem less isolated. I think you got the pacing right too, it was evened out throughout the chapter and didn't feel rushed or slow. Loved their rooms, who wouldn't want a room like that, decorated perfectly to your own taste! I think you need a Sorting Hat song, that bit seemed very abrupt and I think it was begging for a song. Also, when writing small numbers it's consdiered best to write them out rather than use figures and in the first section you have slow that should be slowed. You also have some misplaced commas here and there, especially before direct address and there are a couple of sentences that could do with a tidy up because in places it gets mildly muddled for the reader... but it's not a big issue. Overall it's good and the romantic attraction is building nicely.
Author's Response: I love getting your reviews, Jan! I seriously opened another window and was editing/Britpicking with your helpful concrit. I think you pretty much covered everything! I have no talent for writing songs, unfortunately, so I'm not sure what's going to happen with that. I might add some lines that they both remember. Thanks for reviewing and don't hesitate at doing it again! :D
Well the title struck me first, because it is remarkably similar to that of the Royal Air Force's Per Ardua Ad Astra (through struggle to the stars). So that drew me in! Firstly, you have a really good way with dialogue. It flows very well and you make it interesting, readable and entirely natural. I also liked the way you introduced us to Lily, she is very much part of a family but you dropped Petunia in very subtly and let us see discord behind the harmony. The whole interaction with her mum and dad was very touching but happy at the same time because, unlike her son, lily has parents who really love her. I loved the charm on the door and Sirius getting burned by it twice, that made me chuckle to myself. I did wonder about the names of Lily's friends, they seemed a little exotic and out of place. Emily Ryan was the exception and I loved her character! That was really well done and I can just hear her going on..and on...and on! A little Britpicking for you; Cookies are biscuits, Parking lot is car park, guys was rarely used then, awesome, certainly not...more likely brilliant, mom is mum, you freak wouldn't have been used and nor would man (as in 'Man, my head hurts.' There were also a few grammar things...'I even got head girl' doesn't sound quite right. "Darn, why couldn't have Dad's meeting been later? " The have should be between meeting and been and darn wouldn't be used. Also, on the platform, when she sees about five people, I would lose the about. When you are talking that low a number it is better to be certain. there were a few other minor things but I'd be boring you! LOL I loved the characters of the Marauders, you have them written well with each having their own individual characters coming through already, even Pettigrew in his absence. I also liked that Remus is giving advice on talking to girls, and having it listened to. You've portrayed him as a steadying influence and that's just perfect. You have a lovely overall style that really keeps the reader hooked right to the last word and I really enjoyed reading that chapter. Well done!
Author's Response: Ah yes - BRITPICKING! MY FAVORITE! LOL... I have yet to remember to spell things differently, use different words, etc. Thanks much for your comments - no one's mentioned them so far. (Of course, most of them live here in America.) Emily Ryan.. :P I think I could write about her forever, since I have so many people that remind me of her. Hm.. one-shot idea. And thanks for the review! It's not often I get such a nice long one.
Summary: A few months after Lord Voldemort’s defeat at the hands of baby Potter, Alastor Moody makes a catch – a young man who bears a more than superficial resemblance to one of his colleagues, the dour Stephen Snape.
This is the tale of a hook-nosed man, his wife, and the things they pass down to their son: a story of love and hate, good intentions and bad decisions, black and white, and of making choices. Above all, it is a veritable tragedy of family likeness. An unsentimental and unusual take on Severus Snape's early years.
Again, so many things to enjoy in this chapter. These two managed to turn the sorting ceremony into a battle of monumental proportions but I found it interesting that it was Septimia who came around first. It shows her more mercurial nature as opposed to Stephen's unbending one. The tussle over the letter was a wonderful piece of humour and I loved the line about him brushing back his eyebrows, that was hilarious. Your writing is all about detail, it makes for a really rich reading experience and I love it! You dealt with his feelings about hitting her very well and made it not just a black and white issue. he was wrong to di it, he knows he was wrong to do it but she was also wrong to provoke him. And Rabastan Lestrange! What a wonderful choice of partner for Severus' mother! I thought that portrayal was excellent and I had a real image of him in my mind. Worse still, I actually liked him! The way you had Severus making his own mind up about the houses was also good, it shows his strength of character even, at this young age. I also thought you did well with his confusion at coming back to his father's new situation and the absence of his mother. The bit about the Chinese cooking was another one of those little details that you do so very well. So many good things that I can't possibly list them all! Needless to say, this fic is a treat to read, I love it! Just one little nitpick...you had pro's and contra's... I think that should be pro's and con's. :-)
Author's Response: Hi Maeve! I'm so glad you're still reading this! And naturally I'm delighted that you like Rabastan, because so do I :-). I'm afraid I stashed all the jokes in this chapter, and the next one is rather darker... The story asked for it. Still, I hope you'll bear with me. Anyway - thanks so much for being such an attentive reader! I sometimes think that much of what I consciously put into the text is lost on many, but it never is on you. Cheers, S.
This is so intelligently written. Everything seems to be given careful consideration and your depiction of Stephen is simply wonderful. It is very detailed and you have painted him so well that, whilst he would probably be a very difficult person to meet, he is coming across as a very sympathetic character. I am really enjoying the idea that it is Septimia who comes from the dark family and I loved your explanation of the names in the response to the previous review...that sort of thing is the sign of a really good writer. her whole background is well thought out and utterly convincing. There were one or two lines that seemed to jar a little...."vented his indignation once to many, " should be "vented his indignation once too many times," and I thought that "veritably labyrinthine" would have been better as "a veritable labyrinth".. it seems to scan better. I think you should look at your use of commas and perhaps try and split up a few sentences that seem over long. But when compared to your skill as a storyteller these are small points. I am thoroughlly enjoying this story and the quality of your writing and I cannot believe it has not had more reviews. And your first language is not English? Amazing. Are you considering writing as a career?
Author's Response: Aargh, the commas! You know, this is one of the really hard bits - I think I use commas in English as I would in my mothertongue, which is apparently not a good idea :-). I'll do my best in the future, but I can't make promises. And yes, I do have a predilection for long sentences (and strange words like labyrinthine - it's one of those joys that I think are particular to being creative in a language not your own)... As to writing as a career: I'd love to, but I haven't an original idea in my head - I must always graft my things on somebody else's. But I'll let you know if/when that changes . Meanwhile I'm very, very glad that you like this story, and all that praise makes me blush... Thanks for reviewing! -S. *floats away on a pink cloud*
Another enthralling chapter that was gripping until the end. It opened with slight cracks in the relationship and ended with great chasms between Stephen and Septimia. Stephen’s gradual realisation that his wife was not what she had seemed was chilling and I loved the way you dropped in the fact that he suspected her of poisoning him, that was perfect. I also loved the line about her neglecting cleaning in favour of her dark hobbies…I think my husband would have some sympathy with Stephen there! You have perfectly captured the deterioration of a relationship and moulded it with the wizarding world to make it unique. Your interpretation of Severus’ parents is so refreshing. I can also see how poor Severus would be picking up on all of this strife going on around him and you explore that further later in the chapter with the tendency to speak ‘through’ him at dinner. I liked the way that Slytherin was not even considered when they thought about Hogwarts Houses and Hufflepuff was dismissed out of hand… what a shock that’s going to be for them! And I thought Stephen’s views on raising children were brilliantly done. The comparison between an unruly garden in need of landscaping and a child in need of control was well expressed. And Stephen’s need to give perfectly clear instructions reflects on Severus’ later attitude to ambiguity, he doesn’t understand anything that is not black and white and we can see why. I don’t need to say again that I love reading this story, it’s different and well written and most important it’s interesting.
Author's Response: Thank you, Maeve! By now I'm shaking with fear that for some reason or other you might not like the next bit or the ending or something - I don't want to let you down in your expectations... I'm really happy you singled out the paragraph on raising children: it's one of my own favourites, and quite crucial I think. The challenge I set myself in this story was to firmly ground Severus' personality as we know it from canon in his childhood - I believe parents and home life have an immense influence on children, and I wanted to explore that. - On a lighter note: I think cleaning is vastly overrated . You really don't want to know the state my room and my office are in. If my person and my writing are orderly, I don't much care about the rest :-). -S.
I'm totally convinced by your storytelling ability. Your writing is so well done. You have woven little things throughout the fic that make this sound so canonical. The reference to the Order of Merlin, for instance. Now one understands why Severus would want one so much if his father had one. I am enjoying the way you are downplaying Stephen and yet giving him such a strong character. The passage about his interaction with Muggles was very interesting and should lead to some good threads in the story. Moody is perfect! Very blunt with touches of dry humour, I love it! I'm looking forward to seeing the interaction between the husband and wife and how it will effect Severus. And I could almost feel the despair as Stephen rubbed his face. He's one of the better OCs (not that he is strictly original but as we know so little about him he might as well be) that I have come across. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Author's Response: Well, I guess I'm just lucky that you are a good *reader*. I have posted this story at three other sites, and no-one has picked up on the Order of Merlin thingy there! So, well, thanks for being so attentive. As to Stephen, I hope you like reading him, because he's going to be the main presence in the rest of the story. I have to confess that I hated him when I first created him, but in the meantime I have come to care for him rather a lot... Thanks so much for reviewing! -S.
Well, let me be the first to congratulate you on your departure from romance. You have managed to create a truly dark, dank atmosphere here and I want to get the hell out of Azkaban. The brooding prisoner is intriguing and I find his descriptions of Azkaban and its Dementors truly chilling. Like your other story this is very well written and interesting, I certainly will be looking out for the next chapter. I'm still not entirely convinced by Bella's sleeked back ponytail....sleeked back ponytails belong to cheerleaders, not dangerous Death Eaters! :-) So what hapenned on Harry's eleventh birthday that caused this man to be thrown into Azkaban....
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, MM. This chapter has been a real pain in my backside to finish (most of which was my own doing, by the way...thankfully, I have very good betas!). I'm not so sure I like the pony tail much myself. I may have to fix that now that this story has been approved. I didn't want to edit it while in queue because I think that drops your story back to the bottom of the list. I am closer to being done with chapter 2 of this story than I am the next chapter of my romance fic...so I guess I will be staying out of the romance arena for a while. ;). Thanks for the review, MM!
Summary: Lord Voldemort has an encounter or two he'd rather forget. Sort of an explanation for the origin of all the Voldemort's daughter Mary Sues in the fandom.
Very amusing and ironic… I almost felt sorry for the poor Dark Lord. So many funny lines, from him considering having his fingers trimmed to his reflections on the problems caused by troublesome heirs. There a few historical figures that should have thought like him! Your descriptions of his many admirers was, of course, perfectly Mary-Sue and it’s nice to know that one of the greatest weapons we possess against the darkest wizard in history are these impossibly perfect women. A nicely amusing one-shot…I’ll have to read the Mrs Norris one now. Oh! And I found a nitpick…which made me happy because normally there is nothing to pick at in your writing *grins*. Dust bin should be one word.
Author's Response: You got me! I'll fix it! Thanks for the review. :)
Damn! I missed being first. :-) Anyway, I know the blood, sweat and tears this chapter cost you... not to mention the hair loss... but it was well worth it. All that work has resulted in a cohesive chapter that switches effortlessly between time and location without causing the reader to wonder what's going on. You managed Neville well, I really thought you always had a firm handle on his character and I like the way the adult Neville comes across here. His relationship with Ginny is very touching and you can understand why Ginny finds such comfort in Neville's un-threatening solidity. I also liked the way you touched on the possibility that Harry entertained the idea of keeping Rhea's magical ability from her and you showed us that Harry recognised what the Dursley's had done to him. It would have been the easy option for him to do the same, but Harry proved to be better than that. there's lots of good reading in this chapter and lots of thoughtful writing. Well done, as always!
Author's Response: Wheee! Thank-you for stopping by to rebuild my ego ;) It's taken a harsh beating these last couple of chapters.... You and Anne have done so much for this fic, I don't feel as though it is completely mine. If I've done something well, it only shines because you've dug it out of the mess that was my first draft! Thank-you!
Well you already know that I think this is great but I couldn’t resist the opportunity to say so publicly! You have taken a really sensitive subject and handled it well, making Harry do the deed in a way that is convincing. Loved what you did with the Unicorn horn and the reference in the book, that ties in nicely with canon. You’ve also given us more detail in this chapter, more descriptive writing, and I think the story really benefits from that. Sara is a great character; she’s very down-to-earth…Lord knows she’ll need to be with what’s about to happen to her family! I also really liked the owl scene, that was really well done…and Hedwig’s back! Imagine the shock Harry must be feeling. You do have a ‘the’ left over from the beta process…. on Sirius’ death there is a ‘the’ in front that shouldn’t be there. :-) Now…about that blood…….*ducks*
Author's Response: Yay! You were the first to review again! Gosh, the blood, sweat and tears that went into this and you are one of the few that will ever realise what it took to write this chapter! Sara is indeed about to have everything she believes in turned upside down and the only constant she will have is Harry's love for her. I have a lovely bit of dialogue between her and Neville... but you'll have to wait for that ;)
As for the blood... *sighs* It will have to stay. It shows just how brutally used she's been. It does it simply and quickly and allows me to move on to the next bit. I'm standing by my guns at the moment, but you can keep prodding me if you wish. Afterall, you got your way with the sodding granite dagger! LOL! And you got your way with the word repetition... and... Just whose fic is this anyway! LOL! Thank-you, for all your hard work and your patience with my tantrums. You are an author's dream beta!
Well, let me be the first to say congratulations on getting this fic underway. It's going to be a difficult and exciting journey as you take us through this story. You already know most of my comments but I'll repeat a few of them. I love the snake scene, I thought that was very atmospheric and already has us asking questions about Rhea. I like the descriptive writing in this opener, it really gives us a sense of the countryside and that last line is very foreboding... it's not just a literal mountain they are about to climb, is it? I think you've done a great job in planning out your characters and from the little we have seen of them so far they are already shaping up to be very interesting. I think it will great to see where you take them on this rollecrcoaster ride they are about to embark upon.
Author's Response: Maeve, I love that your my first reviewer on this fic. Honestly, if you'd told me not to write it, I probably wouldn't have. You and Ashwinder have been incredibly supportive of this rather risky story. Thank-you.
This is a really good introduction to a story about one of the more neglected characters in Harry Potter fandom. Interesting also to see your take on the relationship between Alice and Frank Longbottom, another couple that we know so little about. I like your style of writing. It’s very direct and the dialogue moves at a really good pace. The portrayal of Moody at this stage is not a million miles away from the Moody we know from canon but he clearly doesn’t have a great deal of time for Dumbledore or anyone else. It will be interesting to see if you change this in him. You had a few mistakes…Shaklebolt should be Shacklebolt and there are a few speech punctuation errors but apart from that the actual writing is very good. There are plenty of interesting details included in this chapter, the Death Eater mark being the first that really catches the attention. It feels like a mystery already and I’ll definitely be back to read any further developments!
This works, it works because you have managed to convey the real confusion and manipulation that Hermione is feeling with that niggling voice in her head. She’s nicely IC although I agree that Harry’s reaction may well have been slightly different. I think, having known her for this long, he would be more worried by that reaction than anything else. I liked Ron’s complaint about her having her head stuck in a book… us readers know all about that! Hermione’s a reader, we all know that, but you have made her reading an obsession and it’s that that makes us feel she is beginning to disconnect from her friends. I like the way you’ve used the voice. It’s subtle and convincing, twisting the way she feels to its own ends. The lines about her feeling different… that was interesting because I think Hermione does feel different, but not that different. The voice is accentuating the negative to get her to conform. A few errors: Jack O Lanterns is a big Americanism, site should be sight, muggle should be capitalised, ok should always be spelled out, as in okay, and you have a line that says ‘and an impervious’, you need to lose the and and impervious should be capitalised. That’s just my few nitpicks! I like the way you have developed this idea in such a short space and think it will be interesting to see Harry and Ron’s reaction to her behaviour… and the course this little voice in her head is going to steer her.
Author's Response: Ok I will fix those little things you found. I am so glad everyone likes this plot. I just thought it up one day and well, here it is! I am going to try and get the next chapter up by the end of this weekend. Again, I am glad you liked it!
I really like this. nice characterisation, some realy lovely imagery (the trains shooting across the river and the description of the twilight to name just two) and generally a really nice writing style. I love Sid! That's a great name... so not what a young girl should be called and it works perfectly. I like your detail, I thought for the length of the chapter that you got just the right amount in there without taking away from the introduction to your new world. I also loved were you situated Rosenfire. Hogwarts is a remote, ancient place and Rosenfire is in a city location, I think that's a great reflection of the history of the two places. Really good start... and the idea of heart-throb Harry may have been done before but it still makes me smile... and you made it believeable, with a twist of humour to it.
Author's Response: thnak you for the very nice review. Its taken me a while to respond because of login issues, but I've always appreciated this!
I'm definately warming up to McKee now. Her brash, no nonsense attitude is very refreshing when we are rather more used to soppy heroines. You pepper the prose with so much dry humour that the reader never has a smile of their faces. Her general boredom with the banality that surrounds her is almost painful to read. I also like the way you make her outwardly uninterested in Bill and yet at the same time subtly suggesting that she might just be, deep down, the teensiest bit attracted to him... even if she doesn't quite realise it yet. Like jenna I loved the line about single-handedly changing tradition, very sharp. My only concrit is that, this being in first person, McKee sounds very American. Things like Chuckles and off of it are Americanisms that just tip the atmosphere in the wrong direction sometimes. But that's a minor crit given the rest oif the chapter is damn near perfect. Definately looking forward to reading more of this... we have one engaging narrator here and I want to read more from her.
Author's Response: Perfect is cheesecake. This is not cheesecake.
I’m a latecomer to the wonderful world of Margaret McKee but better late than never! She certainly has an attitude, an interesting one rather than a bad one. A smart, aggressive Slytherin with a friend in Ginny Weasley and the sniff of a romance with Bill…. I like it. The main thing that struck me about this chapter was the dialogue, especially that from McKee herself, it just sparkles. She’s quick with a retort and you can get to her character just from the way she speaks. The other little bit of character description that I thought was well done was the reference to the Hog’s Head suiting her personality…that’s a great way to save yourself a whole paragraph of description about McKee and is a sign of really good writing. I like Abe; although the contraction of his name is very American I’ll forgive you just because it works so well. His accent is perfectly countrified…. you managed it well and I like the general reference to the animal smell. At times this felt like a vehicle just for McKee, the others characters were almost feeding her lines, which is no bad thing because this is about McKee. But then Bill entered and I could feel a subtle shift in the dynamics, McKee was still being smart but she seemed to have met someone that could go with her without being eclipsed by her strong personality. Her irises grazed her upper eyelid. Loved that, it’s always nice to come across a different way of saying something commonplace that actually works. There were a few typo’s but I won’t bore you… copasetic needs to go though…it cropped up in a fic I beta’d a while ago and I had to hit the dictionary to find it. It’s really American. I also found this paragraph needed a lot of clarification… His hands shook. Judging by the bulge in McKee’s cheeks that could be seen from behind, she thought the old man shook out of anger. Pity was written in the creases bestowed upon Ginny’s visage, however. He certainly looked to be getting upward in years. That really needs tidying up because it made me stop and re-read several times to grasp at the meaning and interrupted the flow. Apart from that I like your use of language, your descriptions all work and I loved Bill’s entrance. I haven’t read much Bill Weasley in FanFic so I’m looking forward to your interpretation of him.
Author's Response: I see what you mean. Thank you very much for the comments. I am so glad you took the time to have a look-see. ;)