Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

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Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 7566 Chapters: 7 Completed: Yes
05/01/05 Updated: 11/05/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/06/06 Title: Chapter 7: The Final Thoughts of Nagini

I love this so much! I can't believe it's the end of it all, but in some twisted way, it somehow makes sense.
I proclaim that this story is... HOHOLARIOUS. You can make a great big brass plaque and hang it on your door and write, "MY FANFICTION IS HOHOLARIOUS." That's not something that most people can boast!

Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m going to add \"My Fanfiction is Hoholarious\" by Schmerg_The_Impaler to my Author\'s bio. :-D Thanks a million!


Reclaiming Percy by Buckbeak22
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 12]

Summary: Molly Weasley talks about why Percy is the way he is, and Bill decides to mend the rift.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 4001 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
05/19/05 Updated: 05/19/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/22/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot

I LOVE THIS! Bill is hilarious, and I've always been a huge fan of Bill. This is one of the coolest portrayals I've ever seen. I especially liked the part about Ginny picking out Harry's glasses, and the line: You use the bat bogey hex too much Ginny, and most young men are rather scared of you. That just made me DIE LAUGHING. Yeah, it's actually my ghost writing this review. I also adored the line where Bill says, Dont tell Ron thathell get all conceited."

My only (and very minor) complaint is that most mothers wouldn't list their sons' flaws straight off. That was just slightly OOC.

But otherwise, MAGNIFICENT JOB!

Author's Response: You think? You should hear my husband\'s mother! I am really glad you liked the story, Bill is one of my favorites too. Wasted on Fleur... Thank you for your review. It is always nice to get one.


Momentous Change by Eilime
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 68]

Summary: Its Harrys last year at Hogwarts and as he has already expected with experience in having troublesome adventures before this year is going to be a year full of surprises. Voldemort has a plan! Chocolate frogs, ambiguous but semantic evil schemes, ominous word games, a succinct letter, incongruous French lecture, inexcusable slovenliness, birds and bees with eloquence, intolerable impatience and something goes terribly wrong Now complete

Excerpt: Harry woke up with a start. He couldn't remember what he had dreamt about, but he knew it hadn't been a good dream - sweat made his hair cling to his forehead and his pyjamas clung to his body like a homeless person would cling on to a lamp post in a hurricane.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 23892 Chapters: 6 Completed: Yes
05/22/05 Updated: 09/18/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/26/06 Title: Chapter 6: Harry Reloaded

AIEEEEEEEEEE! I'm too astounded by the wonderfulness of this story to leave a helpful or intelligent review! Maybe later... this is SO. GOOD. I laughed until I almost vomited.

Author's Response: It\'s okay, any review is a great review. Thank you, I\'m glad you liked it!


Mid-dinnertime Disaster by the nutty imp
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 35]

Summary: A Shakespearean Parody featuring the Marauders.
Author applies Shakespeare's style of play writing and massacred some of the great play-wright's famous soliloquys too.

Categories: Poetry Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 675 Chapters: 1 Completed: No
06/02/05 Updated: 06/02/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/15/06 Title: Chapter 1: Act One Scene One

This is really, really good... I'm a Shakespeare geek, so this is kind of amazing. You should do Hamlet! That's an awesome play.

Author's Response: To be or not to be .... *grin* so much potential for total massacre...


Lessons by mnemosyne23
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 9]

Summary: Bill helps Fleur "eemprove 'er Eeenglish," and Fleur helps Bill handle his fears. All in all, an even trade.

Categories: Other Pairing Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 3463 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
06/05/05 Updated: 06/05/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/01/08 Title: Chapter 1: none

This story is amazing. I've just submitted my first Bill-centric story, and I've been a little bit insecure about writing about Bill, a character I barely see on MNFF. I absolutely love your version of Bill-- he seems like a fun, real person, like someone I'd love to hang out with.

I also liked the line about him having felt pro-active in Egypt-- I always wondered what it must be like for Bill to quit being a cursebreaker to work at a bank.

I love this sentence: Lightning bolts of enjoyment fired in Bill's limbic system, and it wasn't until he heard Fleur giggle that he realized he was whimpering happily. This bit's brilliant, too: His reputation as a debonair, chivalrous rake was teetering on a knife's edge right now. Though I think a rake is usually a villainous but sexy scoundrel-- which isn't usually compatible with 'chivalrous.' But Bill's special, so whatever...

Fleur overhearing Bill's nightmare was a nice touch. The idea of her knowing more about Bill than he knows she knows is an interesting twist.

I really like the difference between the way Bill deals with the idea of danger around every corner-- wanting to take action about everything-- and Fleur's way, adapting herself to the situation. A lot of times, when people write stories about the relationship between minor characters, they don't flesh out the personalities of the characters, but I like the way you've done this.

Your descriptive skills are really mind-blowingly beautiful. I can't even cite a specific passage because they're all so pretty.

"You are an 'orrid Breetish oaf." Hehe. ^_^ I also really liked it when Fleur said that she loved Bill, and Bill simply said, "I say." Your version of Bill and Fleur are impossibly cute, without being too deep and serious or too mushy and fluffy.

Great job!


Rated: [Reviews - ]


Categories: Orphan Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 0 Chapters: 0 Completed: No
12/31/69 Updated: 12/31/69

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/06 Title: None

Oh. Dear. I'm thirteen, (and immature for my age!) and I know exactly how Ron feels-- a mixture between curiousity and total disgust about kissing! And I love The Little Mermaid-- I got a part in the school musical singing "Part of Your World."


Hogwarts, Meet the Marauders! by Kelsid
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 248]

Summary: In this sequel to Harry's Our What???, James and Lily have time-travelled to the past and finally found out the truth about who their son is. Meanwhile, in their true time-frame, the Marauders have concocted a plan to rescue James and Lily. But when they arrive in Harry's time, they realize they can't get back and must seek the aid of their older counterparts.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 17066 Chapters: 7 Completed: No
09/16/05 Updated: 09/01/07

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: In Which Sirius Meets His Idol (Sir Elton John)

Dude, I saw Spamalot! It's the best thing ever, and I now own a t-shirt and a soundtrack!
... and this fic hasn't been updated for months... :( Sorry, I've been checking obsessively.

Author's Response: Oh I\'m sorry! You can see my lame excuse in the review above. I love Spamalot too! Go Prince Herbert!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/01/07 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7


Oh my gosh... I've been waiting FOREVER for you to update. This is my favourite story on this website, and I think I fell over from sheer glee when I saw it had been updated.

It did not disappoint.

I've been WAITING for the Marauders to meet their older counterparts! I loved the fact that Remus unquestionably trusted the adult version of himself... and preschool part was hilarious. Sirius is the best.

But here's the main thing I always love about your stories-- as hilarious as they are, they're beautifully written. I really liked the part about Remus thinking he was going to die-- you really have a way with words, whether it be description or dialogue.

I can't wait for more!

Your slightly creepishly adoring reader,

P.S. It's not that I intend to be slightly creepy, but I reread this review and I went, "0_0 Dude, I sound like a James Potter-esque stalker!"

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review. It really meant a lot to me, just to hear that I was doing a good job. ;) Glad you like the story so much!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: In Which Sirius Meets His Idol (Sir Elton John)

*Sings to the tune of "The Song That Goes Like This" from Spamalot*

Once for each good fic
There comes a massive break
When our favourite author
Does not want to update
Oh, why are there breaks
That go like this?
Why are there? WHY, WHY?!

Sorry... I'm seeing Spamalot in less than one month, WOO-HOO!

Author's Response: lol, I love your song!!! Should I send it to Eric Idle? Hmm... what an idea...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 5: In Which the Progress Made in the Last Chapter Backtracks

U*P*D*A*T*E! Purleeeez? Thank you very mucho. I have truly atrocious spelling and grammar at the moment, but that' what happens after Spring Break.

So I've submitted " When the Marauders Met" (The story that uses Sacred Mix-Match) but it hasn't been validated yet. Wish me luck!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 4: In Which Many Things Happen

Kelsid, your "Harry's Our What" was the first fanfiction I ever read, and remains my favorite. (I was that person who emailed you yea dark months ago to ask if I could borrow sacred mix match to use in a story once my account was validated. Six months later, my account has finally been validated, and I can finally review!) That was a long comment in parentheses. Anyway, I thought I was the biggest Monty Python fan on earth, but apparently, I was wrong. You rock my spam-patterned (really!) socks!

Author's Response: Thanks! I remember your email, I hope your story gets validated. lol, I'm pretty obsessive over Python, that's true... very, very obsessive... MONTY PYTHON'S PERSONAL BEST ON PBS IN TWO DAYS TWO DAYS TWO DAYS!!! Sorry, random outburst there. OMG, you have Spam patterned socks???? Where did you get them??? I LOVE SPAM!!!! I heard there's a Spam museum in Minnesota where you can build a Spam can and pose by a big can of Spam called Spammie and there's a section where they play the Monty Python Spam song and you can stare at Spam all day long! Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, SPAAAM wonderful SPAMMMM... (sorry, another random outburst...)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 1: In Which Sirius Meets His Idol (Sir Elton John)

Oh my gosh, really? I MUST go there! The weird thing is, I have this craziness about spam, and yet... I don't eat spam because it's dead pigs! I still have a spam shirt, though.

Author's Response: Me too! I've never even tried Spam before because I know I won't like it and that'll end my weird obsession. YOU HAVE A SPAM SHIRT????? *screams for about five minutes straight*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/14/06 Title: Chapter 1: In Which Sirius Meets His Idol (Sir Elton John)

I absolutely adore this story... PLEASE UPDATE! Sorry. I can't believe that somebody combined Harry Potter and Monty Python! They're just meant for each other. I have a really lame suggestion-- could you have Nearly Headless Nick make a cameo appearance doing the Ministry of Silly Walks, since he's played by John Cleese? That would induce much giggling.

(Apparently, I'm The Minister of Silly Walks, according to the Which Sketch Character Are You Quiz.)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 6: James and the Giant Squid

FABULOUS, FABULOUS! I'm so glad that this story isn't dead, it's my absolute favourite on fanfiction! But this chappie was worth the wait. I loved the bit about Uncle Vernon, that was hilarious. (Ponty Mython, anyone?)

I have only one suggestion-- you should put in something about Whizzo chocolates, since that's where JK Rowling got Cockroach Clusters. And it would be funny to make Nearly Headless Nick (aka John Cleese) do the Silly Walk, or something else Cleese-y.

Great job again!


A Seed From The Ground by Seren
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 49]

Summary: Past Featured StoryAuror-in-training Kingsley Shacklebolt is learning to blend in with the crowd in downtown London. There, he meets a small, lost girl, and learns how much impact a simple act of kindness can really have.

Categories: General Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2298 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
10/12/05 Updated: 10/12/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Seed From the Ground

OH. MY. GOSH. I love this story so unbelievably much. My favourite part was: "or wild chipmunks could eat your ankles." I don't know where a plot bunny like this one could have sprung out of your mental bushes (Kingsley Shacklebolt, of all people?), but your writing style, characterization, and incorporation of emotion into your story are excellent.


Dear Dumby by Oppungo
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 715]

Summary: What happens when Dumbledore has his latest "brilliant" idea, to start an advice column, and call it 'Dear Dumby'? Letters from some of our favourite Hogwarts students, some of our not so favourite Hogwarts students, some not even Hogwarts students at all, and, of course, lots of madness!

Pre-HBP for obvious reasons!
Nominee for the Best Humour Award in the Quicksilver Quill Awards! Many thanks to all who voted for it!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 18182 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
11/09/05 Updated: 09/08/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/02/06 Title: Chapter 9: Late Night Escapades

That's so funny! I've actually said "How about those Chudley Cannons" when there's a lull in conversation. Pure love. Your writing style is so original... a mentally defective plant pot...

Author's Response: Pure love indeed! What - you\'ve said that in real life, or in a fanfic?! Ah well, either one is great! Thank you! You know, I think those four words sum it up completely...a mentally defective plant pot indeed...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 6: Dear Dumby - Issue 3

Oh my gosh, this story made me laugh so hard! I have finally gotten a password to validate my account after SIX YES SIX months of waiting (!) and this story was number one on my list of reviews to post when I got my password! My favorite letter was Crabbe's--hilarious!

Author's Response: Whoa - six months!! That's quite a wait - congratulations, you have waaay more patience than I do!! Wow, I'm honoured that this was top of review list - and to get the review!! Thank you!! Now, for submitting a fic - hopefully you won't have to wait quite so long as that for it to be accepted!!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/14/06 Title: Chapter 8: Dear Dumby- Issue 4

This is one of my favourite stories! And it just keeps getting better and better.... Former Slytherin Stud, ha ha... that's so like Lucius.

I especially liked your wording on the Harry Potter fan letter-- "makes my hair shine brighter than spoons!"

I laughed so hard. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Thanks! I figured that he would be one of the few conceited enough to sign as that - must be hereditary! The fan letter I wasn\'t so fond of, but I\'m glad you liked it! Yeah - laughter is great! Thank you!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/23/06 Title: Chapter 10: In The Face Of Adversity

That is FUNNY! I loved the whole list of everyone that Hermione cared about. It reminds me of a fight I'm in witha friend *COUGH* FORMER FRIEND of mine.

Author's Response: Thanks! Teehee, Hermione\'s list was fun, I\'m glad you liked it! Oh dear, I hope you sort things out with your friend soon!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/11/06 Title: Chapter 12: The Notice - Part 2 guess the whole I hate you and never want to see you again was a euphemism?

BRAVA! BRAVA! BRAVISSIMO! This is sheer brilliance, and the ending is even better than I could have expected. Too bad this is the end. :( I liked the shippy fluff... it was really cute. And Voldemort is funny, as always.

Author's Response: Thank you!! (I must say, I liked that line as well!) I\'m so pleased that the ending exceeded your expectations! Even if it is sad for it to be over... It was fun whilst it lasted! Thanks for reviewing!

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