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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

My Name is Draco Malfoy... I Think by mooncalf

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The whole wizarding world is in uproar after the death of Dumbledore. All Death Eaters have a price on their heads. During these troubled times Hermione finds Draco Malfoy practically on her doorstep- with no memory of who he is or what he's done. Why is he there? Why does he wake screaming every night? And how can she deal with a Malfoy who regards her as his best friend... or maybe more?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/06/06 Title: Chapter 9: Vile Visit

OH-HEM-GEE! I'm currently doing my Update Dance of Joyous Disbelief.

I can't wait for more! This chapter was so exciting! Are Fred and George okay? Is Mme. Delacour a Polyjuice'd Death Eater? Is Monsieur Delacour Imperius'd? WHAT WILL HERMIONE'S LETTER BE LIKE?!?!

Please don't take so long to update again! This is one of my favourite stories and a fantastic chapter.

Author's Response: LOL, so many questions! And can I say you have just given me an idea? I\'ll do my best to be faster; I\'ve a clear idea of where I\'m going now.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/01/07 Title: Chapter 12: Spiderweb

Oh, wow. This is one of my favourite chapters so far, possibly THE favourite. You've kept Draco and Hermione both so perfectly in-character. I wasn't sure if you could pull off such a lovely canon Draco, since I got so used to Nice Draco, but he was perfect (and I liked the way he argued with himself. The part where he tried to convince himself Hermione wsa ugly was great.)

I also think the story has taken a VERRRY interesting turn. I'd like to see what happens! I hope you update soon!

Author's Response: *squee* I\'m so glad you like the characterisation! I was a bit worried, because, as you said, I\'m used to nice Draco, and wasn\'t sure how I\'d get on with the real thing. Hope you like the next chapter as much!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Memories

Oooh, this is SUCH a cool premise. At first I thought it was uncanon, then I realized that maybe Draco's nasty because he's been raised as such by his parents, not by nature.

Author's Response: Yep, that\'s what I think. His nastiness was mostly caused by nurture, not nature! Thanks for the review.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/07/07 Title: Chapter 11: It Tolls For Thee


Oh my gosh, I was hoping for an update... I really love this story. And the end of the chapter... oh man, perfect. I really like how you incorporated Deathly Hallows stuff into the story. You're also good at describing things really well and making the reader feel the characters' emotions.

I'm also really anxious to see what's up with Madame Delacour! You were able to give the story the sense of urgency that it needed...it's really good!

Great... how am I supposed to wait for the next chapter now?

I think it got maybe a little melodramatic toward the end of the chapter where Hermione was trying to decide between Ron and Draco... But what am I saying, it's a romance fic! They have to be a little bit melodramatic!

Also you spelled Viktor wrong, but WHO CARES? It still gets a 55804698/10!

Author's Response: Wow, thanks Schmergo! Hermione probably was a little OTT, but I suppose after such a traumatic time she might be a little shaken -- but I shouldn\'t make excuses. I\'ve a tendency for melodrama which I have to work on. I\'ll fix the Victor/Viktor thing, thanks for the notice!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 3: A Warm Welcome

Awww, poor Draco! This story is so cute... I've never been much of a Draco fan, but I adore this story.

Author's Response: Wow, I\'ve converted someone! I wasn\'t a huge fan of Draco before I started writing this, but I have become a little obsessed now. I think the appeal of this story lies in seeing him so innocent and vulnerable!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 4: Dreams

I get a feeling that you don't really like Ron, huh? I have to say, he's always been my favourite character, but I feel about ready to strangle him in this story.

Author's Response: Ron? No, I like Ron! I\'ll have to go back and check this fic for anti-Ron-ness. You should see my sister(lunar)\'s fic. Now that\'s a girl that dislikes poor Master Weasley.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 5: Monkey Mayhem

*Huggles Draco* Oh dear. I feel like Hermione. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE DRACO! WHAT'S HAPPENING! It must be your awesome writing that's done it, goshdarnit!

Author's Response: Yay, definite convert! Poor little Draco, he needs hugs! *huggles him too*. Thank you for your lovely compliments, I\'m blushing here!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 6: Decisions, Decisions


Why am I so upset? Sheesh! I can just click the 'next chapter' button! Durrr!

Author's Response: That might be a good idea! Actually, you should see some of the reviews I got after this chapter was posted and then I forgot to update for about a month as usual. I\'m surprised I\'m still in one piece!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 7: Revelations

Oh wow. Is there some subtle reason why the Malfoys dye their hair, or what? I don't know, but I feel so sorry for poor Draco.

Author's Response: Erm.. I don\'t know about subtle, but Draco in particular has a reason. I\'ve started the next chapter at last, and it should be finished some time this week, then no updates for at least five weeks! I\'m a disastrous author.

A Fairy Tale by Fairy-Light by Mudblood428

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: There's no better Christmas gift than a first kiss. A special Ron/Hermione Christmas one-shot to keep you warm - no misteltoe required. Special Christmas Update 12/25/05: "Ron's Secret" - a special illustration by yours truly!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Awww... I never read romance, but I happened upon this one, and it's really cute. So lovably awkward. I love your characterisation of Ron, too.

You're also quite good at art! Keep writing and drawing!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: One-Shot

Awww... I never read romance, but I happened upon this one, and it's really cute. So lovably awkward. I love your characterisation of Ron, too.

You're also quite good at art! Keep writing and drawing!

Snape's Reward by black spot

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: AU, Total fluff. The war is nearly over, and Snape finds himself somewhere unexpected.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

Hilarious! This made me laugh so hard! It reminded me of "The Wish List" by Eoin Colfer. Snape in heaven, heh. I can just see him... wherever did you get the idea for this fic? I give it a nine, and I'm normally fairly strict.

Newly-made orphans by ellidiot

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Challenge 3- Theodore Nott thought he was independent, didn't need anyone. Until the one person he did need, his father was killed, and now he realises just how much he relied on him. But Nott-senior was killed serving the Dark Lord, and Theodore needs some time and space to sort out his mixed feelings. Advice from an unexpected quarter might help too.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: Orphans

I love your portrayal of Theo Nott. I have a particular soft spot for him, since I ship myself with him, and this is the first version of Theo I've ever seen that's anything like the way I've imagined him, and it gives me that delightfully warm and fuzzy feeling.

The Art of the Quill by Pussycat123

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: *One shot* It is Lily and James's fifth year, and they have to endure many extremely dull classes. To pass the time, they swap notes. This is a collection of most of those notes ... and the madness that inevitably ensues.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Art of the Quill

I nearly died laughing! Those Marauders have the EXACT SAME twisted sense of humour that I do! Favorite parts: *Ok! Do you like badgers? *Power to the llamas, and the night before that it was, French cheese is eating my otter supply, and the night before THAT it was, Bungee jumping is overrated, weaving is more my thing,. *Of course I was, you diseased carrot. *Does it involve raccoons like last time, because I told you, Filch would notice if they were hanging around his office. Those sound exactly like the type of things I say on a regular basis... and I plan on calling at least six of my friends a diseased carrot after I go back to school!

Author's Response: Hee hee, I like the phrase "diseased carrot" too. I have no idea where it came from, just a moment of randomness that I had a few months ago, and remembered it ever since, waiting for the right time to put it in a fic! Anyway, so glad you likeed it.

Sliding Drawers by Loup_garou

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: It is argued that the most minuscule of occurrences can shape the course of history irrevocably. Butterflies flapping their wings overzealously, missing a train/forcing open the sliding doors of a train and catching it/getting your finger stuck in the sliding doors of a train as you attempt to force them open and having to run alongside it for the duration of the journey as an alternative to having it ripped offand other such minutiae. Thus it was that, on a cold, wet night seventeen years ago, in a room above the bar at the Hogs Head Inn, that Severus Snape made his (skid)mark. The History of the Potterverse is now at stake, and it remains for Lily Potter (with a little help from Lupin) to sort it all out. BE YE WARNED - this story contains pants. Underpants. (This story is intended as a bit of light-hearted fun and should be read as such, even if it is rather OOC!) Final chapter is up! Gather round, my children, and witness the astonishing finale!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 2: Domestic Bliss

This is shockingly well-written, and not above using a good dose of bathroom humour. I don't know why I read this, I never think underpants are funny (except like two years ago when I used to read Captain Underpants, but I was only in sixth grade!) and I am less than fond of Snape, but I just ADORED this story! Though I prefer not to think of Dumbledore wearing Snape's pants. *Vomits* I am going to give this a ten, although I was preparing to give it a five before I read the fic.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! Ooh I feel motivated all of a sudden...I feel another chapter coming on!

Failure Is Punished by Hermione_Rocks

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Severus, Draco, a cold, high-pitched voice said. Welcome, welcomecome in, no need to dawdle

This was my entry to the Mugglenet 'write the opening to book 7' competion.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/06/06 Title: Chapter 1: Failure Is Punished

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH. Wow, I really come off as a total imbecile in the reviews I'm leaving for your stories, but I can't help it; they always leave me speechless. Your characterisation of Snape is flawless as always, and you've managed to write the most realistic, sinister, and commanding Voldemort I've ever read. (My own Voldemort is a comic relief character in a humour fic, so I definitely respect yours!) I know I'm going to get confused and think of this as a canon excerpt from book seven from now on...

Author's Response: I love writing Severus (as you have probably noticed :). He\'s just such a great character; Jo is very clever. And you sound fine in your reviews, by the way. :)

The Acromantula and its Ability to Consume the Most Repulsive Beasts on This Earth by Mind_Over_Matter

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Intelligent, attractive, witty and classy first year, Draco Malfoy, has found himself stuck with the task of writing an essay for an incompetent, and frankly stupid teacher, Professor Quirrel.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: Draco Malfoy. 11. Genius.

SCHWAA! (Scratches head wondering what 'schwaa' is supposed to mean, shrugs, and continues.) I had no idea that this was by you-- I read this ages ago, before I had an account on MNFF, and it made my laugh hysterically.

I love this story, especially the description of Ron, for some reason (and this makes no sense because I am an avid Won-Won admirer.)

Author's Response: Yay! Thanks, Shmergo. Yep, my sense of humour is kind of whacked out, but I\'m glad to know it works for some people ;)

Sirius: The Black Knight by Pussycat123

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Sirius was killed by Bellatrix. When he lands headlong at his dead best friend’s feet, he is a little perplexed. All is soon explained, however. He has reached Heaven, and James is here to welcome him. Before he can begin to get used to life in Heaven, he must first “watch his life” on the large screen in front of him, because it will help him understand things better. And so, that’s what he does. From the very beginning, to the very end. You too, can follow him through the ups and downs. Follow him through the highs and the lows. Follow him through the laughter, the pain, and the romance. Follow him through the story of his life. This fic is a tribute to Sirius Black. It is not all marauder-era, although a bulk of it is, and that is why it’s in this category.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: The End

Oh dear, I cried reading this. It's so beautiful! Love, love, loved it! I only read this story because of your HILARIOUS note-passing one, and I have a dark secret to reveal-- Sirius is my least favorite Harry Potter character. *Hides under my computer desk* But I loved this story so much, especially Omniscient!James. Absolutely wonderful.

Author's Response: Hey thanks again. Sirius is truly an amazing charcter ... I should have written this fic long ago ... If only the mods would hurry up and read chapter 2, damnit.

The Importance of Being Single by erikthephantom

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Fourteen months after leaving Hogwarts, Sirius takes it upon himself as a seasoned veteran of love to educate a "nave" Remus on the dark, inner workings of the female mind when the former receives a letter from a girlfriend demanding his time. Pointless, yes, but Erik enjoys procrastinating.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Importance of Being Single

This story is love. I absolutely adore your characterization. Only Sirius can simultaneously be that wise and that idiotic.

ROMANTIC COMEDY NO. 4037 by Muse Sublime

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Post-HBP. Hogwarts is in need of a little cheering-up, and Ron and Hermione are in need of a push in the right direction. Ginny offers a new spin on an old tradition to get the ball rolling.


Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, especially those who've reviewed several times. I promise to have Chapter 4 available by June.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/19/06 Title: Chapter 2: D Words are Dangerous

So funny and so adorable! This is just like Ron. "Gabriel? No. Um... he smells..." I liked all the names you made up for guys, and the removable post-it notes? TOO FUNNY. I can just imagine Ron abusing the bludgers, too... Ron reminds me so much of my friend.

Author's Response: I\'m so glad you had a fun time with Ron. Goodness knows I certainly did. During the fight section, I found myself constantly admonishing Ron, \"Just tell her already!\" ...And then I\'d remember that I was the reason he wasn\'t telling her. Thanks for reviewing!