Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

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Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

The Power Of Suggestion by FriendsOfSnape
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 650]

Summary: "Be careful what you wish for," the old adage goes. So what happens when Hogwarts is under a spell where what you say is what you get?

Chappie 14 is UP! And while it is the end, let us not be sad, but instead read the insanity that has driven so many to review and nearly wet themsleves with delight.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 27684 Chapters: 14 Completed: Yes
03/10/05 Updated: 07/21/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 2: Creepy Creatures and Walking Plants

OOh! A crumple-horned snorkack! Melikes! My favourite part was: The class looked at the cow, er, Crumple Horn Snorkack. It looked back. Suddenly, it shot laser beams from its eyes, vaporizing Harry!

Only joking, thats Voldys job. The cow just mooed. Thankfully, before the class got any more idiotic, the bell rang.

For some reason, I'm impressed by the fact that you mentioned Ernie MacMillan some authors seem to forget about such minor characters when they write fanfictions.

Author's Response: Well, they were going to Herbology, and they usually have that with Hufflepuffs, so Ernie showed up.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 3: Repetitive noise is a form of torture

AHAHAHAHA! Hermione's so practical... she hit stop... the question is, what CD has both a hip-hop mix and "Yellow Submarine."

By the way, I absolutely adore your characterisation of Dumbledore.

Author's Response: What CD mix has hip-hop and \"Yellow Submarine\" on it? One of Arbitrare\'s, of course!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 4: Knights of the Wrong Table

Wow. This is very odd and random, but I love it. My favourite sentence of all is: "The Snorkack then stood on top of it and proceeded to eat its helmet."

I also enjoy the line: That cowll eat anything, said Ron incredulously, "because I imagine that he's referring to Rita Skeeter. ^_^

Author's Response: Oh. Well, I didn\'t mean that, but it kinda fits, doesn\'t it?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 5: Revenge of the Penguin

[/rabid fangirling]

In any case, is that why you made the mustache'd wizard in the previous chapter say 'plot device?' Plot device, Mr. Frodo. Plot device.

In any case, this is my favourite chapter this far. And the penguin bit reminded me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: "Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it."

Actually, this whole fic reminds me of Hitchhiker's Guide!

Author's Response: Yes, isn\'t LF grand? That is where I got the \"Plot device\" line from...Wow, a comparison to \"Hitchhikers!\" *Is flattered*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 6: Death Can Be Funny

"Whoaaaa, for the longest time

I love that song!

Anyway, I love the chapter name, and the sentence "That's my student you're desecrating." I mean, the disrespect for Dead Draco was just too funny! Why isn't there a warning for Character Death on this story, though?

Author's Response: Probably because A) SPOILERS! he comes back, and B) No one cares about Draco. I think Character Death is reserved for serious stories, not this silliness.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 7: Weekend At Draco's

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I seriously love the thing that Arbitrare was writing. "Blarg, I'm dead." How witty. (Actually, that sounds like something I'd do.) And Snape's list of hot women caused my head to fall off with laughing. (Fear not. I duct-taped it back on.)

Author's Response: Oh good. Sounds like another fic sort of thing where Bellatix\'s head got lopped off....\"Blarg I\'m dead\" I shamelessly stole from 8-Bit Theatre.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 8: Anyone Who Thinks Fights Have Rules Is Delusional

HAHAH! I love this so much. I saw heavy Mary Poppins references in this (I was Bert in that play once), which is always a good thing. I've added this story to my favourites.

By the way, I like the line: He firmly convinced himself that he could still see, then went to the seventh floor corridor.

Author's Response: Yay, added to another favs list! ^_^

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 9: Dance Time! Or, A Mockery Of February

This is hilarious!

My favourite part is:

Ron rolled his eyes. Give it a rest, Hermione. I say, ride it out and have fun doing it.

Not a chance. Besides, she said, starting down the hall again, When have I ever had fun?

I also love Bellatrix's evilness, and Voldy's... not so much. Ginny's hook is also quite entertaining.

But I must know... how did Neville get to be QUEEN? Wouldn't he be KING, being male and all?

Furthermore, I hate Legolas (*cough* I love Wayne *cough*), especially when portrayed by that sap, Orlando Bloom, so your story made me cheer loudly.

Author's Response: Neville was queen because I got a review where somebody suggested he become queen of the flying monkeys, so I went with it. Besides, doesn\'t the gender-bending just fit?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 10: More Sinister Plots, Now With Goo!

This chapter's great! A tad eccentric, but aren't we all? I like your characterisation of Snape, by the way.

Furthermore, my favourite part was: Madam Pomfrey shrugged. I normally wouldnt go quite that far, but it almost seems like it. Someone out there must really like you.

Hello! called the author from the door


Author's Response: Not quite. Invincible implies he can\'t be hurt, which he clearly can. I\'d say he\'s indestructable.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 11: The Safety Inspector

I like this! The inspection made me laugh. And cry. Because Dumbles said Hogwarts would never close, and that made me think of the end of HBP.

I hope this really is important, sir, because I just left my classroom in the possession of pyromaniac third years.

*Is a pyromaniac third year herself*


Incidentally, I like the name Violet Shunn.

Author's Response: I suggest you stay out of Snape\'s classroom then, he\'s detention-happy this week.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 12: Magazine Madness

I like Ron's OMG, Penguins with Paper Bags Over Their Heads Weekly, the male weird sisters (because that's always bothered me), and Neville's evilness. I also like the plot development. Can't wait to click the 'next' button!

Author's Response: Well then click it, for goodness sake! Silly...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 13: What Lies Down the Rabbit Hole, Trio?

Wow! That's cool. This is uber-dramatic and awesome, and I think I just wrote the score for it in my head. I plan on selling it online for trillions, after making a major blockbuster of this story, starring myself as Arbitrare, despite the fact that I am female. (But I've played male characters in seven of the sixteen plays I've been in)

ANYWAY! My favourite line was Have you been in the candy again, Albus?

Author's Response: Wow, a reverse drag queen reviewing my story. (Pst, if you write the screenplay and the score, I get a cut of the profits.)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 14: This Isnt a Chapter, Its an Epilogue

I love this! Aw, thanks, Sev.

Dont call me that.

I think Arbitrar secretly loved Snape ALL ALONG! IN any case, I adore this story. And I have a *cough* suggestion for you to include at some point in 'sequel of suggestion.' Namely, I want to see Snape only able to communicate via Broadway-style song and dance numbers.

Author's Response: Hmm, I\'ll see what I can do. I was actually planning on him having something to do musically.....


Summary: A look into the life of Voldy's pet snake, Nagini.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Alternate Universe

Word count: 7566 Chapters: 7 Completed: Yes
05/01/05 Updated: 11/05/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Memiors of a snake...

OH MY GOSH!! This is hilarious!

I didn't even know this fic existed until someone told me that they read this story right after reading my story, "The Dark Lord's Blog," and that they went well together.

I especially like the Wormtail torture and the 'hemoglobin displacement."

Author's Response: Thanks!! :-D I\'ll have to check out your fic, it sounds hilarious! Expect a review soon.... :-)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: Memiors of a snake...

OH MY GOSH!! This is hilarious!

I didn't even know this fic existed until someone told me that they read this story right after reading my story, "The Dark Lord's Blog," and that they went well together.

I especially like the Wormtail torture and the 'hemoglobin displacement."

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 2: Say It Ain't So!?

This is so funny. I liked the bit about the extra skin "in case she decides to shed hers," Voldy's over-protective behaviours when it comes to Nagini's hormones, the "Very fashionable belt." Nagini's so feminine, and yet so evil. I laughed out loud at Snape's secret stash of liquor.

Author's Response: I liked those parts too! :-) I guess the reason Voldy didn\'t want her to have a boyfriend is because he doesn\'t any \"little Nagini\'s\" running around, lol. Of course, Snape needes his secret stash of liquor. How else can he survive those ambush meetings with Bella? lol

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 3: Its a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!!!

I'm so immature, but I nearly died laughing at Voldy trying to get dressed when wasted.

How dare you even suggest Wormtail in a speedo? These freshman eyes can't handle such a sight!

The chapter was still great, though. Nagini's characterisation is lovely.

Author's Response: Don\'t worry, I laughed at the wasted Voldy bit myself when I wrote it. lol *nervous* Yeah, I admit, writing about Wormtail in a speedo was rather scarey. I nearly died while doing it....

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 4: Constantly Gardening

Constantly gardening... I think I just exploded with laughter. Really, only you could create an entire chapter around such a pun. The problem is, this is the kind of story I'll accidentally accept as canon, and the "Voldy gardening" business will be forever stuck in my mind.

Fantastic job!

Author's Response: You\'re the first one on MNFF to get the hidden meaning of the title, lol. :-) Who knows... maybe JKR reads fanfics in between writing, and will somehow incorperate Voldy gardening in book 7.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 5: Ive like, so had it here!

Fawkes? FAWKES? FAWKES?! Oh wow. What would their child look like?

Never mind, I don't even want to know.

But it's still quite funny, despite the slight inappropriateness.

Author's Response: I\'m guessing their love child would probably look like a cross between a snake and a phoenix. It\'ll have the snake-y body, but also have feather-y wings and can burst into flames at will... lol

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/01/06 Title: Chapter 6: Nagini Tells It Like It Is...

Mint jelly... I love this! This is my favourite chapter. You manage to be very silly and yet still keep sounding intelligent with your humour. My favourite part was her description of McGonagall.

Don't tell me this is the end? This is going straight onto favourites.

Author's Response: Thanks! I actually got the Mint Jelly bit from an old episode of the Simpsons, lol. No, this isn\'t the last chapter. The next one will be, unfortunately. I should have it back from my Beta shortly....

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