Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

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Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Twisted by insane_duckie_spork
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 17]

Summary: Just a fun filled story and well yeah

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 545 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
12/05/04 Updated: 12/12/04

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Dream

This is so weird, but I love it! And by the way... I think your user name is brilliant. I actually only read this fic because, "Anyone whose username has the words 'insane,' 'duckie,' and 'spork' in it has to be funny." I was right! I've had dreams like the one Harry did...


Summary: Based on the Lion King on Broadway's song 'the Madness of King Scar'. "Peter," Voldemort moaned sadly, "Peter? Why am I not... loved?" R/R please!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2298 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
12/30/04 Updated: 12/30/04

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Song

Splendid! I just love The Lion King! I did a spoof of it/Harry Potter crossover, but your song was much better than mine! I can also see the Death Eaters doing "Be Prepared," and "Avada Kedavra" instead of "Hakuna Matata..."


Summary: Parody of the Harry Potter series written and completed before the release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. It looks at the lives of some of the major characters as they wait impatiently for book six to arrive. Naturally, chaos ensues. Suitable for all.

Winner of the first annual Quicksilver Quills Award 2006 for best humor fiction. Thank you!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 14850 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
01/06/05 Updated: 06/18/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Unfair!!!

Ahahaha... this is very funny. I can't wait to read more of it. *Suddenly realises that I can click the 'Next' button. Right, then.

Anyway, I love the way you wrote Lucius. He's a favourite of mine, and I like his combination of suck-uppishness and condescention.

Author's Response: Thanks, I love to write Lucius that way, it seems to suit him. I wasn\'t aware of any spelling errors, could you tell me what they are? I\'m a perfectionist when it comes to things like that.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter Two: An Evil Plan

I'm loving this! True, there are a few spelling errors, but the description and characters are so funny! I loved the description of Remus as "dancer extraordinaire."

Author's Response: Thanks, I\'m glad you\'re deciding to review each chapter as I get a feel of how the story flows.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter Three: The Postman Always Rings Twice

Wow. *Blinks* THAT'S a new one. I can just see Voldemort singing that little song.. My favourite line is: "I am not the slightest bit interested in being the one-hundereth customer to the local supermarket, beach holiday or no beach holiday!"

Author's Response: Ha ha - yeah it\'s pretty different alright, mostly due to the fact that I just started typing rather than sitting down and planning the story out.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter Four: Dancing Against The Dark Arts

Wow. Cookie/marshmallow warfare. This story is so unpredictable! The image of Remus in a leotard and lycra pants made me slightly ill, though.

Author's Response: Ha ha ha - thanks! I totally didn\'t plan the cookie/marshmallow warfare, though it did become a major plot point. Well, if it ain\'t broke...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter Five: Like Marshmallows From A Baby

What? I was expecting Harry to have eaten his pillow. Hmmm. Anyway, this was actually a really good chapter. I liked this quote:"Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?" sang Crabbe, twirling and clapping his hands.

This story really makes me want to eat some marshmallows!

Again, a few spelling errors, but other than that, good job!

Author's Response: Everyone says this story makes them crave marshmallows, hee hee. Again, the spelling errors. Sorry about that. I\'ll check over the story to see if I can spot them. Are you sure it isn\'t differences in spelling rather than actual errors? I\'m Irish, hence I use U.K. spelling rather than American English spelling. That could be the cause of the confusion, as I\'ve had some other posts like this from different reviewers.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/09/06 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter Six: Returning to Hogwarts

"I like trains," said Remus simply.

"I like this story," said Schmergo simply.

I laughed out loud at the image of the cover of Voldemort's book! The story just keeps improving!

Author's Response: I love the book cover too, though a reviewer drew it for me so I can\'t take credit for it! Thanks so much for your reviews, I\'m looking forward to hearing what you think of the rest of the story!


I love...who? by Hermiones_Revenge
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 985]

Summary: Harry writes a love note to one person...but someone else recieves it and gets the wrong idea. From here, confusion and chaos come about. Who is really sending the notes? Who really likes who? What is going on?!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 13418 Chapters: 8 Completed: Yes
01/25/05 Updated: 03/26/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 2: Results of a Miscomunication

Neville is so incredibly cute! Can I borrow him?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 4: Who Would've Thought

I have the biggest crush on Neville, so your story makes me very jealous.

I LOVED RON'S POTIONS ESSAY! I once turned in a civics essay titled "CIVICS JUNK", so that was really cool to read.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 5: Two down...

GRAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH! That's my evillicious laugh. So cute and fluffy.... like STITCH! I loved the list of everything coming out of the fire, and Hermione's list. Ham squared!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 6: The Plan

SCHNEEHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHHE! New evil laugh. Well, that was great. Malfoy... haaaahahahah....Wow....That was a completely incoherant review, but I've been reduced to a giggling mound lying on the floor. Sadly, I'm in the library.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 7: Bagels

You're so evil... VERY EVIL!

Wow, that was great! I agree with Hermione, though, cream-cheese bagels rule!


Harry's our WHAT??? by Kelsid
Rated: 3rd-5th Years [Reviews - 595]

Summary: Past Featured Story*Last chapter is up!* Due to a mishap in Charms class, James and Lily are taken away to Harry's time, only to meet Ron and Hermione. Kept hidden away from Harry by his two best friends, Ron lets something slip about Harry, James and Lily's relationship. Will James and Lily find out about their son, or at least before Remus, Sirius and Peter in the Marauder era figure out a way to bring them back? Includes people turning into ducks, Monty Python quotes and lots of Marauder goodness. PLEASE R & R- Hint, this does not mean read and run!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded

Word count: 39421 Chapters: 20 Completed: Yes
02/02/05 Updated: 08/28/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 20: The End (at last!)

This was the first fanfiction that I EVER read, and it's always been my favorite. I've read it about seven times, and I always emailed all of my friends to tell them when a new chapter was up!


Summary: (Hi, I wrote this when I was 16, please keep that in mind. I'm keeping it up because people still like it.)

So, you want to be an evil villain? In this handbook that a certain Hogwarts student purchases, all of the rules, techniques, and frequently asked questions about evil villainy are explained. Do you have what it takes? And what will happen to the student who purchases the book? Another story from the strange, twisted, and slightly unfortunate Hermione's Revenge.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 11692 Chapters: 9 Completed: Yes
02/19/05 Updated: 05/01/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/07 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

The Evil Schmergo's secret plan for world domination:

Purpose = To force everyone in the world to speak only in dactylic hexameter, hahaha!
Nemesis = Shakespeare and his stupid iambic pentameter.
Evil laugh = Bwahahahahaaaargh! *Cough splutter gag* I, er, swallowed my mint...
Clothes = A red halter dress with white polka dots, sparkly red shoes like Dorothy's from the wizard of Oz, sparkly red earrings, a red flower in my hair, and vampire fangs and red contact lenses.
Pet = A pterodactyl. The DACTYLIC PTERODACTYL!
Evil phrase = Any quote from "The Aeneid," which is written in Dactylic Hexameter.
Henchman = The poet Virgil, as well as Lucius Malfoy (because he's really cool) and Marvin the Paranoid Android from "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy."
Plan = Build a dactylic hexameter thing that looks like a giant satellite dish and put it on top of the Capitol building. It converts all ordinary speech into dactylic hexameter! BWAHAHAHAHAAAARGH!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/20/06 Title: Chapter 1: So, you want to be an evil villain?

This is great. My friends and I (especially one who could have been a model for your character 'Felix') use this practically as a behavioural bible! *Points randomly* HAHAHAHA!


All I Ask of You by MoonysMistress
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 34]

Summary: Sequel to By My Side. There's trouble in Dreamland for Remus and Tonks, who have recently professed mutual love for each other. The trouble? There is no Dreamland. Why does it seem that all Tonks and Remus are doing is avoid each other? Written to the song "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera. PG for language, mostly. R&R, darlings!

Categories: Remus/Tonks Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 4044 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
02/21/05 Updated: 02/21/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 1: Trouble

I adore your story, Harry Potter, and The PHantom of the Opera! They belong together! For a much, much sillier Harry Potter/POTO combo, you can read my spoof, called "The Phoenix of the Order" at

Author's Response: HP and PotO really are a great match, I love them. I\'ll try to read your story soon! Possibly tonight, I\'m looking for fun stuff to do, and spoof sounds like just the thing. I look forward to it. Thanks for the review AND the link!


What Would Be A Drill? by Kelsid
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 94]

Summary: COMPLETED! When Harry goes to Uncle Vernon's work for the summer, odd things happen, including beating Ron at drill questions, sending millions of letters to Vernon and making Dudley wear a cotton candy outfit!

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 8488 Chapters: 7 Completed: Yes
02/28/05 Updated: 06/04/05

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/17/06 Title: Chapter 6: A Dead And A Not So Dead Persons Are Back

Wow! Arent werewolves those cute little animals that are so furry and adorable and lick you? she asked, apparently thrilled.

Erm no, Lupin admitted, trying to keep from getting frustrated. They are humans that, on a full moon, transform into a terrible wolf that actively seeks human blood. They have no human mercies they just kill. If one bites you, you become one of them.

Was that inspired by the Monty Python thing about the man who wants to be a lion tamer, but gets lions confused with anteaters? Or maybe I'm just too obsessed with Python...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/17/06 Title: Chapter 7: The End (Finally)

The s- ooon no s sun sun!! The sun s sets the sun sets in a blah bla blazz. Blaze!!! Blaze!!! The sun sets in a blaze of fiery... um

Hmmm... that reminds me of the Kamikaze Scotsman sketch from Monty Python, where the guy are reading the "Book Before Bedtime" thing and can't sound it out properly... I'm too obsessed with Monty Python. Loved the ending!


The Power Of Suggestion by FriendsOfSnape
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 650]

Summary: "Be careful what you wish for," the old adage goes. So what happens when Hogwarts is under a spell where what you say is what you get?

Chappie 14 is UP! And while it is the end, let us not be sad, but instead read the insanity that has driven so many to review and nearly wet themsleves with delight.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 27684 Chapters: 14 Completed: Yes
03/10/05 Updated: 07/21/06

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: That's Hand-y, Hermione.

I'm rereading this story after bashfully realising that I couldn't remember about Neville's megalomaniac complex.

In any case, it's even funnier than I remembered! I love randomness... and I love the part at the end that read: He sat back down, and the Hall erupted into a flurry of chatter, accompanied by the sound of Filchs cat burning the end of the High Table, and a fwump as a third-year Hufflepuffs head opened.

Author's Response: I too love randomness. Makes life interesting.

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