Penname: Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]
Real name: Call me Schmergo
Member Since: 02/19/06
Website: schmergo.tumblr.com
Beta-reader: Yes
Status: Member
Bio:
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.

A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS

Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!

ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!

TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!

EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!

ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
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Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler
 

A Very Harry Christmas by Jase
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 203]

Summary: A Christmas play about Harry getting a book of Christmas stories and he and Ron read them. (Lots of Parodies)

***
The first story: "The Flightmare Before Christmas". Ron gets the bright idea to try Christmas this year, and does this with the help of a magical horse that can fly.

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 18765 Chapters: 12 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/15/04 Updated: 12/01/04


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 5: Buster the Blue-Beaked Hippogriff

This story just keeps getting better and better. I loved the dating show, with Harry in his orange suit and Hermione in her dress. The best part, however, was: "Buster wandered through the snow, alone and hurt. He felt bereaved, bitter, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, heartbroken, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, troubled, upset, wistful, and even woebegone. He came upon a strange hut, and even though hippogriffs usually stay away from humans, he smelled food in this house. He was a hungry hungry hippogriff." Did you need a thesaurus for that?

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 6: Deck the Halls

This is amazingly funny. For some reason, I laughed at "Glon't glention glit," brain-damaged Hagrid... I found that terribly humorous. I also enjoyed Ron's innocence when it comes to certain, er, feminine things. That's actually pretty in-character.

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 7: The Twelve Days of Christmas

That's very funny, though Luna was just a bit OOC. I don't have any problems with non-canon ships; however, I don't think Luna would respond to these bizarre gifts like a normal person! Why do I always laugh at random bits? Such as, "I DO NOT LIKE FIRE CRABS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Anyway, this story definitely brightened my day! You seemed like you were rather hyper when you wrote it, which I can definitely relate to!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 8: Hagrid Got Run Over By A Reindeer

That was wonderful! Wherever do you get these strokes of brilliance? My brother and I cracked up for about five minutes at Snape... and my Random Giggle Moment of the Chapter was, "There's a flobberworm eating your hand..." I found that hilarious. Another great part was Dumbledore's horoscope, and, of course, Santa's note!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 9: The Nutcracked

I love the Marauders, and that was great! The best part was Sugar Plum Fairy!Remus, and of course, Rat King Wormtail was appropriate. My only problem is, Lily's muggleborn. Her granddad wouldn't have a wand... oh well. Still brilliant!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 10: It's A Horrible Life

Okay, I officially loved that... though why Lupin and not Sirius? Hmmm.... doesn't really matter. That was funny. Anyway, I love the crossover reference, with the character named Harry in both, etc. Marvelous. My random laughing line in this one was the "What carrot?" I also enjoyed Dumbledore's Enron stocks! Funnily, when Enron crashed, I thought it was a sign that Ron would die in the next HP book... *Face-palm*

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 11: The [Insert Adjective Here]-est Christmas Pageant Ever

HILARIOUS, as always! I always love it when you make Harry and Ron uber-stupid. My Random Giggle Line was, "HERMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINEE! IM STUCK IN THE ORCHESTRA PIT!" And Neville's, "I keep forgetting my knives!... I mean... lines..." That was great! Very Neville!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 11: The [Insert Adjective Here]-est Christmas Pageant Ever

I forgot to mention that I was in "The Best Christmas Pageant Ever," once! I was Imogene Herdman. Woot!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 12: White Christmas

Fantastic! I'm so sad to see that it's over! I speak German fluently (eighth year and counting-- I started when I was six) and I was SOOO happy to read something in German! My other favourite part was, RON: I DONT NEED A BLOODY SACK OF BLOODY POTATOES! I HAVE ENOUGH BLOODY VEGETABLES GROWING ON MY BLOODY FARM AT MY BLOODY HOUSE! AND YOU BLOODY GO AND GET ME EVEN MORE INSTEAD OF GETTING ME SOME BLOODY SHEETS OR SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY BLOODY NEED! BLOODY! HARRY: So you like it? RON: I love it! Thanks pal!

 

Summary: A series of hilarious journal entries and lists from Hermione, describing the insane "war" she has gotten herself into with Parvati. Insanity, and hilarity, ensue... A sequel to "The Secret Thoughts of Hermione Granger" (though it'll make sense if you haven't read it)

Note: Another story from "back in the day."

Categories: Humor Fics Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 14991 Chapters: 11 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/27/04 Updated: 01/24/05


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 1: Crazy Partys and Evil Plots

This is absolutely great. I loved the original, and this one rocks out. My favourite part was Neville's "FINLAND! FREE THE GOATS!" My friends and I have sort of an inside joke about Finland (The country where I quite like to be!) and goats (something about 'goatmeal--' it's too hard to explain) so I just about fell off my chair when I read it. Good job!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 2: Parvati's Revenge

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Llama! Terribly sorry about that. That was clearly the funniest chapter of any story I've ever read, with the possible exception of the late Hogwarts Overturned. I think I started crying laughing on the drugged-out Hermione and, my favourite line, "ALASTOR MOODY STORMED INTO THE ROOM AND BURST INTO FLAMES!" I could picture that happening so clearly in my mind! Tiggeriffic job.

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 4: Parvati's Revenge...Again

1.Yay!
2. Wow, that was a short review.

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 5: Hermione's revenge

**Here's a llama! There's a llama! And another little llama! Fuzzy llama! Funny llama! Llama llama DUCK!** In case I didn't mention it, this is my second-favourite song after "The Phantom of the Opera." Great job! This really brightened my day!

Mini flamingos. Hermione is so based on me, that if I ever go even more insane than I am now, I'm suing you! Like the Da Vinci Code! Only not!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 6: An Inopportune Time to Act Out of Character

Great as ever! I'm running out of exultant compliments... I loved the FILCH BURST INTO THE ROOM WEARING A FLUFFY PINK NIGHTGOWN! Again, I actually imagined that.
Ron. Ron. Ron. Is. Just. Like. My. Friend. If I showed him this story, he's probably ask why I kept calling him Ron.
I never thought I'd say this, but where's Harry? I'm actually starting to miss him!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 7: Stuck to a shelf in a pink dress

Oh this is fabulongoshoomarvellishywonderpipical. I liked the lists, as always, and... that's where Harry was. I kind of missed him in the last chapter.
Ron in a dress, what a horrible and yet strangely interesting thought...
Yes, your Filch jokes continue to crack me up. People don't use Filch nearly enough in fanfiction.

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 8: Trouble in the Dragon's Lair

He's going to the Three Broomsticks to teach Hagrid how to knit? But Hagrid was knitting a canary yellow circus tent in the first book!
Okay. Ron's so much like my friend, I could puke with glee. But my friend doesn't like like me in the way that Ron likes Hermione... at least, as far as I know... so scratch all the snogging, etc.


 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 9: Harry Has Gone Insane

Twenty-seven goose/cat hybrids honking around the grounds? No. Way. That totally happened to me. Okay, just kidding, but this reminds me of me, like every other chapter. I LOATHE it when people spread rumours about me, though frankly, the one about the giraffe was funny. OFF TOPIC!
So! I liked the list of annoyances. The curtain one was cool, because it reminded me of the GOF film!

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 10: The Truth Revealed

This is gorgeous. It's so real, too. These very mean people at my school are just like Parvati. And Ron continues to be just like my friend. His writing in Hermione's journal was EXACTLY like what my friend would do. Insane in the membrane. Ron with an insanely deep voice is strangely attractive...

 
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 11: Epilogue - Learn Your Lessons

Woo-hoo! I love Godspell! Ron writing in Hermione's journal caused me to read it out loud to my mum, after falling out of my chair. My mum didn't find it funny. Parvati is so evil, I could rip her hair out. Ron reminds me of my friend. And I know a guy named Rob. That is all.

 

No Inhibitions by GringottsVault711
Rated: 1st-2nd Years [Reviews - 82]

Summary: Ron accidentally takes a potion to free him from his every inhibition - with 'interesting' results. Will this finally be the push that makes him reveal to Hermione his true feelings? Not so much fluffy as funny.

Categories: Ron/Hermione Genre: Warnings: None

Word count: 2879 Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes
Published:
11/30/04 Updated: 11/30/04


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: No Inhibitions

AWWWW! That was so cute and adorably funny! Ron is my favourite character, and this was great characterization. I laughed SO HARD at half of the things that he did-- especially when he hit Harry and said, "Sorry, I couldn't help it."

 
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