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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Harry Potter, the Half-Blood Prince and Mary-Sue by Valentinia

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What if Ginny hadn't been there after Harry won his Quidditch game? In his euphoria, Harry would have fallen for someone else, of course. And who could that be but the beautiful foreign exchange student, Mary-Sue!

A Mary Sue parody!

Warning: Extreme OOCness follows. All of the warnings this fic has are based on not-to-be-taken-seriously situations!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/05/07 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 7: Crystal Clarity and Cold Calculations

Ooh, goody! I've been waiting for this! And I'm so happy that you included Voldemort. Any story with Voldemort (or shall I say 'Tom'?) in it makes it a good story... though I have a slight, sinking suspicion that you're making fun of me.

Ah, well! It's so funny how easily Hermione falls in love. For some reason, I found it vastly humorous how it described Remus as 'manly and wolfishly sexy.' It's like, "If the manly sexiness doesn't win you over, then the wolfish sexiness will do it!"

The writing style in the beginning of the story seemed a little bit different from usual, but it feels good to be back! Please don't wait so long to update next time!

With much squeefulness, etc.


Author's Response: :D Thanks for the review! I was not making fun of you, don\'t worry... a lot of people do that. Plus, I never spoof anything unless I can name a fic that pulls the relationship/characterization/plot point off plausibly. Anyway... Thanks!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/10/06 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue: Meeting Mary-Sue

That's fantastic! MAria-Susana... that's an interesting one. I want to see Harry's reaction to Mary-Sue.

And I read your profile, where you talked about your fondness for Lavender and Parvati. I can see why you're spoofing their characterization here.

Author's Response: Yeah. I really hate when they\'re characterized like I have in this fic... if it\'s meant seriously, of course... Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/10/06 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 1: Who is this "Half-Blood Prince," Anyway?

Ha, I love this chapter! Especially the dry commentary on Ron's characterization, and the part that talked about Harry having had a growth spurt. That particular part made me laugh, because I imagined him having a very FAST growth spurt, right before Mary Sue rested her head on his shoulder.

Author's Response: Thanks for yet another review! I\'m so glad you enjoyed this chapter! *What an original response, eh?*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/10/06 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 2: The Bemusing Musings of Dumbledore and Draco

Wow. You have managed to cram every cliche into one story. The only thing this story needs now is a head boy/girl shared dorm and time travelling to Marauder era and future generation portions to incorporate all of the cliches! (This was pointed out to me by the suddenly extremely handsome Severus Snape, who is for some reason wearing tight leather pants and being really, really nice, despite his cold exterior.)

Author's Response: Oh, you guessed it! Snape will be feauturing next chapter. I\'m not sure about Time travelling, though. Maybe some sort of sequel though... hm... Mary-Sue Jr... *runs off to feed plot bunny*

Sequel Of Suggestion! by FriendsOfSnape

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: It's baaaaaack...........

As the name implies, the ever-wacky, ever-evil Power Of Suggestion has returned to Hogwarts! What insanity will occur this time?

Note that this is a sequel (duh), so it's strongly advised to read the first part first. Just check my author page for a link!

Chappie nine is UP! Enjoy!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 3: Subplot Action, Part One: Questing For Arbitrar!

WHOOOOOT! This was my favourite chapter of this story and "Power of Suggestion" combined! I was not expecting it to be Neville at all, and the dialogue was great. Where did Neville get all of the gold anyway?

In any case, I can't wait for an update! This is getting better and better.

*Oils an oinking onion with ointment*

Author's Response: Wow, really? I didn\'t realize it was that good. I was just having too much fun with those warlocks. And Neville is, I assume, like Harry and not lacking in the money department.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/06/06 Title: Chapter 4: Music To My Ears

YUSS! I must read the next part. I absolutely loved this, since I'm in a band, and it was murder to get a bassist. The guy we do have is, er, very sullen about having to play the bass. This chapter seems incredibly random compared to the rest of the story, though. The part making fun of rock music was quite funny, however, as well as the "Respect your llama."

Author's Response: I kid bassists, they\'re lovely people. And I kid rock music, I love it. And you MUST respect your llamas. (They spit.)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/06/06 Title: Chapter 4: Music To My Ears

YUSS! I must read the next part. I absolutely loved this, since I'm in a band, and it was murder to get a bassist. The guy we do have is, er, very sullen about having to play the bass. This chapter seems incredibly random compared to the rest of the story, though. The part making fun of rock music was quite funny, however, as well as the "Respect your llama."

Author's Response: Ever get the feeling you\'ve seen something before?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 03/16/07 Title: Chapter 5: The Battle Of The Bands

Did I really not review this chapter yet? Hmm, funny, I thought I did. Well, as usual, this is great, particularly the bits about Bellatrix and Snape. My favourite line in this chapter is:

O"h yes. Ghastly business that. No, thats not the right word. I actually think hilarious would be more applicable."

That is perfect for Bellatrix! She's so psychopathic and maybe even sociopathic, and she's totally aware of that fact.

I'm very curious as to what happened to Neville? I'm assuming that's a plot point.

Well! I got the reference about "Oh, Switzerland." Zoheb should be happy to see that that made it into the story. And it was hilarious how much Harry was getting into being in a band. I can completely imagine him with a faux-hawk.

Author's Response: Why, thankee! I\'m always pleased to not be impaled by you. Also: Bellatrix is my evil hero. Long story. Also: Neville will be back next chapter, so stay tuned! And I think Harry may keep the faux-hawk. Which is frightening to some extent.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/29/06 Title: Chapter 2: What IS Your Fascination with My Forbidden Closet of Mystery?

This is really hilarious. Its measured randomness reminds me of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (which is a compliment, as I am a big Douglas Adams fan.)

I can't wait to read more! My favourite part was Harry's "llamas" and the tapioca pouring out of the girl's ears, which was an extremely vivid image.

Author's Response: Wow, a comparision to Douglas Adams for randomness! I\'ll take it as a compliment, as I am also a fan of the Hitchiker Trilogy. I also enjoyed the phrase, \"extremely vivid image.\" Thankee for the review, and for not impaling me.

The Saving Bunnies From Evil Deaths Society by Just Tink

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Every Muggle has heard of Opposite Day, the one day of the year where you're allowed to act completely different than you normally would. But in the Wizarding world Opposite Day is much more literal...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/11/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Saving Bunnies From Evil Deaths Society

This is excellent, and very funny! Especially the peace-loving Gryffindor boys... Seamus throws the guitar into the fire, teeheehee...

The only thing I didn't like was that you beat me to this great plot idea!

Author's Response: Glad you liked it! My personal favorite was when they all sang kumbayah and ron folded origami, and then they all started a conga line. The gryffindor boys were definetely my favorite characters to write, especially Dean... sorry I beat you to the idea. =) Thanks for the review!

Where Light and Shadow Meet by Ennalee

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: All his life, Percy has built and gathered, painted and carved, and now everything is falling down around him.

Standing in the shambles of the Ministry, Percy questions the life he has built for himself.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/05/07 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Oh my gosh... everything you write is so beautiful. I just read your story about Luna, and she is about as different as you can get from Percy, and yet you embody both characters perfectly. You have a real gift for getting inside the heads of characters. Percy craves logic and clearness and Luna likes unpredictability and lives in her own world, but they're both outsiders and they're both misunderstood.

My favourite line was "he wonders vaguely if kissing is the purest form of Legilimency." Seriously, that is highly philosophical.

That must have been an extremely long kiss! Now, I must tell you, I've not yet had the chance to kiss a boy, and if it turns out to be a disappointment when it happens, I am blaming you. You make a kiss sound so incredibly, deliciously beautiful and perfect.

But then, you did the same thing with eating apples, and I don't even like apples. But now I want to eat one!

Author's Response: Thank you! I have a lot of fun playing with different types of characters, so it\'s nice to hear that you think I can do them justice. And yeah, I guess the structure of the story does make it seem like a really long kiss, though I guess I don\'t imagine that he really has time to think all that in the middle - it\'s more there for the audience than for Percy.

The Harry Potter Literary Storm by Mind_Over_Matter

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: The Harry Potter Literary Storm has caused quite the sensation around the world, JK Rowlings magnificent series of books touching the hearts of people of all ages. But what if Harry Potter was never written by JK Rowling in the first place? What if another genius was behind it?

Many thanks to the fantastic people who nominated this story for the Quicksilver Quills: Best Humour Fiction award. I'm truly flattered.

Chapter Seven, Part Five is now up - yes, that is the final chapter!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 01/05/07 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter Seven, Part Five: Happy OBriens Monumental Success

Aww! Thanks for noting me in the, er, author's note. (Note, note note.)

Okay, now that I've used the word 'note' a lot, I must say I'm a huge fan of this chapter... it's totally my favourite. The epic battle, and, natch, Ron's awesomeness, seeing as he's my favourite character. I can't wait to see more from you! Cheers as always!

Author's Response:

Peh - at least you weren\'t repeating a word like, \'compactify\' or \'unsatisfactory\'. THAT would have been annoying.

Yay! It\'s my favourite too, for much the same reasons. It was oh-so satisfying to write his hero!moment. And did you get the Deathpants reference?

Thank YOU for everything you\'ve done for this story! *Love*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Little Baby Potter and the Hut Out at Sea

I'm Evil Spoiler Woman, so ignore the next sentence unless you're Mind_Over_Matter:

I just realized, the cactus thing is foreshadowing!

Author's Response:

Ha ^^

I don\'t think anyone would get what that means, anyway... ;) And besides, see? Even Happy and I can foreshadow!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/06/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Little Baby Potter and the Hut Out at Sea

*Blushes* Awww... by the way, I seriously enjoy your Jackie banner. He actually looks exactly as I imagined him... which is REALLY weird, since I always see him with that enthusiastic smile on his face.

Author's Response: Yay! *Dances* Thanks; I always imagined him with slightly longer hair, but other than that I was really, really lucky to find that photo.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One: Little Baby Potter and the Hut Out at Sea

WHOOT! It's up on MNFF! This story is so funny, even my parents liked it. (Yes, I forced them to read it...)

I think I'll nominate this for the Quicksilver Quills.

Author's Response: Aww - thank you so much, Schmergo. I actually can\'t believe you showed this story to your parents. I shudder to imagine trying to explain mugglenet to mine... Personally, I\'m still getting over the fact that the Mods accepted it...

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/26/06 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter Five, Part Two: The Flashback Extraordinaire Man Of Geniusness

Fweehahahargh, this is my favourite chapter so far.

How do I know, since it's not posted yet? Well, I already read it.

By the way, the nice things you say about me in the author's notes always make my day. Do I get to be called Hebog now because of the cool title you bestowed upon me?

Author's Response:

Actually, I liked this chapter when I read it over again before submitting, a lot more than when I actually wrote it. Yay for Snape!

^^ and haha! Hebog - it\'s quite the title, but I think you deserve it. After all, who wouldn\'t want to be called \'Hebog\'?
No one, that\'s who.
Muchos gracias as always, Schmergo. *Goes back to editing Gauntlet story, although it doesn\'t actually need to be finished for quite a while*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/29/06 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter Seven, Part Four: X Marks the Spot

*Shifty eyes* I know I've read this before, but I love this story too much NOT to review. It still cracks me up every time I read the part about "We have the next best thing-- Hermione!" I like your "Book 7" chapters the most because they can allow you to be more creative, even though you're still using all of the cliches.

By the way, I am a tad bit offended by being described as "only SLIGHTLY insane." I believe I'm at least "stark raving looney" material. (No, only joking.)

Author's Response:

Oh, come on. Cut me some slack. I called you ludicrously odd before - that\'s got to count for something!

I like that bit too... the \'bottoms up\' bit though... so stupid, but I like that line. Anyway, it\'s always lovely to hear from you, be it here or on the forums. So yeah, rock on, you sock-rocker!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/06/06 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter Four, Part Two: The Next Chapter About the Next Book About the Guy With the Thing

Okay, I was just re-reading this, and I realised something-- the part where Martin says "And I'm not old-- I'm thirty-seven." GO MONTY PYTHON! *Waves around a demented looking foam finger wearing Martin's brass knuckle*

Author's Response:

Okay, for a start, \"I was just re-reading this\". For some reason it makes me really happy that this can be read again without boredom taking over.
Also, dude. *Waves around flags and big flashing lights* I do take all of your mad suggestions AND random comments seriously! And I also seriously mean it when I say you know humour. Please, do allow me to get my shovel so I can more effectively pile on praise.

Oh, oh, oh, and by the way, did you see my Jackie banner?

Sirius Black and the Drapery of Doom by capella_black

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The last day of Sirius's life. He's got a lot of free time to hit the bottle and brood on life, memories, people, etc. Order members come and go, and it all ends with the battle and a certain mysterious veil.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter One

Are you a member of COSforums, because I'm almost positive I've read this story there. My username is SchmergoWeasley. In any case, I LOVE this story. Sirius is usually my least-favourite character in canon, but your portrayal is realistic and interesting and clearly showing his flaws while still being likeable.

Author's Response: Yep, I\'m posting it there too, and I think I have seen you around. Anyway, I\'m glad to hear you love the story so far. :D Any reason he\'s normally your least fav? I\'ll admit I was sort of indifferent to him at first, but he\'s really grown on me since I started writing about him. :)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter Four

I'm loving this story. Update, pur-leaze! I like your portrayal of Remus, too-- that's very nice. :)

Author's Response: Thanks again! I\'ve got a lot more of that conversation written, but it needs much tweaking. I\'ll try to get it up soon though. :)