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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

No Wands Allowed by HarryPotter is my LIFE

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What happens when Ron and Hermione's rowing becomes too much for Harry to take? Only at Hogwarts could such a phenomenon occur. In an insult match that includes the entire school, what could be the outcome?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: No Wands Allowed

Ah, Severus, youre such a horrible murderer, that I somehow managed to remain alive, said Dumbledore serenely. He seemed to be enjoying himself very much.

This is the funniest thing. I made my mum read it. I like the ending, too-- Harry is so wonderfully lame.

Everyone is marvelously in-character-- fantastic job.

Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked it! Harry mucks everything up. It\'s impossible for him to be smooth. I\'m glad everyone is in character. I decided, if I was going to write something so outrageous, the least I can do is make everyone seem like themselves.

A Tale of Ordinary Madness by GryffindorGoddess

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Harry is troubled in the middle of the night by strangeness happening all around him. He dreams of a world that is blissfully and completely devoid of evil, but at the same time it's creepy and disturbing. Harry battles with accepting "the way things are" and does his best to counter everything this supposed dream has told him to be true. Is it just him, or has the whole world gone mad?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Tale of Ordinary Madness

AAAAAAAGH! FREAKISHNESS ENSUETH! In a good way. This was good, but I think my brain fell off, landed in the street, bounced into Knockturn Alley, was impaled by Lovely Lucius's snake cane (rather ironically, as I'M Schmerg_The_Impaler), was served in a seafood salad to young Draco, who subsequently perished violently. And there was much rejoicing.

In other words, your story was fantastically weird. But not as weird as this review!

Author's Response: haha yes..... ;)

Harry Potter and The Process of writing Fan Fiction by Purplemage

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: A hilarious ride inside an author's head as he tries to write the best fic ever written by a fan. Unfortunatley, things don't go as planned and the author must get himself out of a sticky situation before he ruins the joy of writing Fan Fiction forever.

WARNING: Random and Bizarre humor ahead.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: Harry Potter and The Process of Writing Fan Fiction

HARALD!!! Wait, is that even your name? It sounds familiar. I know it belongs to someone with 'purple' in their username.

PERSON!!!! This story is so funny! I love Neville, he's so funny-- he's always been one of my favourites. The Voldenort part was great, too. Yay! Puns! celebrated Neville, while clapping his hands like an imbecile. Do more!

Author's Response: LOL Yes, I\'m Harald. I had a lot of fun writing Neville in this story. I really don\'t see him as such an idiot, but I needed someone to be the \"dumb\" character and Neville seemed like a good option. Thanks for the review!

Love, Luna by Marauder by Midnight

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Having a problem with a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Are those pesky Lubkin Snapzits bothering you? Luna Lovegood is here to help. An expert in all fields, ranging from pest control to homework help to wild emotions, Luna knows all.

Luna Lovegood, after her ordeal in Hidden, goes on to become an advice columnist of the Quibbler, using personal experience to teach desperate, helpless souls what she knows. Read problems submitted by members of MNFF and even suggest one yourself!

Chapter One - Destroyer of Pretty Girls

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 08/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: Destroyer of Pretty Girls

Dear Luna,
I have no desire whatsoever to harm one of my fellow females; however, a boy (I'll call him 'Hank') who sits directly diagonally across from me has a horrible habit of humming annoying songs, calling me "Ducky" for no apparent reason (my name is actually Schmergo, I'll have you know), and putting his revoltingly smelly feet on his desk and picking at his repugnant toenails in the the middle of class. Occasionally, he eats them. What can I do about him?
Clueless Classmate

A Meeting Long Overdue by GringottsVault711

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Severus Snape is called to the Headmaster's office in the early hours of the morning for an important mission; a mission that will force him to face his past. Involves toothpaste and mail order catalogs.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Meeting Long Overdue

Awww.. that's so cute. Poor owl-y poo! Snape normally really annoys me, but this story induced much giggling. Great job. I love the way it's written in such a serious tone!

A Death Eater's Bedtime Story by Sly Severus

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: A father tells his young son a familar story. A story that has become the boy's favorite. It is the story of the Dark Lord and the evil Harry Potter.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

You have a way with playing with peoples' minds. This story sends chills up my spine-- excellent job. (But I still think that even Draco wasn't smart enough at that age to use phrases like
"overcome the foolish wizards who want us to be prisoners")

Author's Response: Sends shivers up your spine, huh? That is so cool. I don\'t think anyone has ever said that to me before. Thank you so much.

And, yeah, I have tendency to write children a little more maturally then they should be. It\'s something I need to work on.

Thanks for the review.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Sorry for the double post, but I just saw that you were writing about the Notts. Didn't JK Rowling say that Theodore Nott is a loner who doesn't like the idea of gangs? I'm guessing that includes the Death Munchers... but then, I'm biased, because I ship myself with Theo Nott. (Don't ask... it's one of those bizarre Hufflepuff blur drabble things.)

Author's Response: Hmmm...yes, Theodore is a loner, but that\'s at school. I think he would be different at home. For some reason I think of him as maturing fast because of his mothers death. I think he\'s a loner at school because he doesn\'t really relate to the other kids his age. I can still see him being a Death Eater. But that\'s just the way I see him. He\'s another character that we know very little about.

I don\'t mind the double post at all. Again, thank you for reviewing. :D

The Wolf Emerges by Buckbeak22

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: One bite can give you a liking for red meat. Two can make you irritable at the full moon. When Bill is bitten for the third time, on the day that the full moon is due, what will happen?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/22/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Wolf Emerges

I ADORE THIS STORY IMMENSELY! There just aren't enough good Bill Weasley stories on the net. Your characterisations of Fleur, Bill, Remus, Molly, and especially Tonks were spot-on (our first introduction to Tonks in this story was brilliant), and I could really just see this happening. I like the way you made Fleur honourable while still keeping her flaws.

The line "You are most stupid Englishman" made me think of Monty Python's French taunters: "You silly English pig-dogs!"

Author's Response: I am so glad you like this story, I had fun writing it. I had to do a little bit more on Fleur so that she was the kind of girl I would be happy seeing Bill with! I actually became quite fond of her flaws in the end. Thank you so much for leaving a review.

Blurting Out Something Horribly Stupid by loligo8me

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Katie Bell finally musters enough courage to ask a certain Quidditch Captain a question. The result? Definitely not what she expected!
Katie's POV. KB/OW fluff. Sigh...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

You have a gift for writing little-written characters, like Filch and Katie. This was cute and original, and after seeing the title, I HAD to read it. The second-person perspective was really unique.

Author's Response: Wow thank you. That really makes my day :)

Head Over Heels by Just Tink

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: We all know Molly Weasley as the caring mother of the Weasley clan. But she and Arthur weren't always sensible parents... Sixteen year old Molly Prewett reflects on her feelings for Arthur Weasley the summer before her sixth year.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/31/06 Title: Chapter 1: Head Over Heels

Awww... that is the sweetest piece of romance fiction I've ever read. I never thought of Molly's mother as being the typical pureblood... that's an interesting point.

I'm a big fan of the Arthur/Molly ship, especially Arthur, since he's such a funny and lovely person. He's so idealistic and really sweet... and he reminds me a little bit of a more even-tempered Ron, since Ron is my favourite character.

This story perfectly characterizes Arthur (even though we only see him indirectly, from Molly's perspective) and Molly, and I love stories that make the characters real.

I hope to see more Arthur/Molly from you, since this is so adorable!

Author's Response: and this is the sweetest review I\'ve ever read! Arthur/Molly is my OTP, so it was natural I\'d want to write it. I\'m so glad you thought the characters seemed real- that was one of my worries, that a sixteen year old Molly would just be too wierd. I\'ll let you know if I do more of these two- thanks for the review!

Welcome to the Dark Side. by darkwritterchild

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: POV of a Death Eater. Read it and find out.
No really, you must!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/22/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Excellent description and use of emotion.. it's a really, really good poem.

Incidentally, have you read omegaohm88's excellent fic, "Welcome To The Light Side?"

Standing Out From the Crowd by Valentinia

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: His beautiful black eyes have always stood out from the crowd for her. Even today, when she is the centre of attention, she is thinking of him and wishing things were different...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/10/06 Title: Chapter 1: Charocal Eyes


Okay, that was an incredibly unhelpful comment, but you have made the character of Snape likeable without making him out of character. You wrote a romance story with Snape without turning him into a handsome beast... you took one outstanding feature and used it to convey Narcissa's love. That's amazing. I rarely, if ever, read romance (if I do, it's either humorous fluff or spoofed), but I found this deeply touching and well-written. I especially liked the angel/devil/human part.

Personally, I think Narcissa really does love Lucius, despite his flaws, but your story poses another interesting point of view. (On a side note-- if you've ever seen Makani's fan art at http://acciobrain.ligermagic.com, you won't be able to help shipping Lucius and Cissa.)

Author's Response: Snape?!?!?! Naturally it\'s Reguglus!! *Kidding - I was talking about Snape* Anyway... thanks so much for the review!! I really don\'t mind unhelpful comments!! Not at all! I do sometimes ship Lucius/Narcissa, but... I really like the idea of Narcissa being wanted by many other men, but having finally decided to marry one of them - and then having to take another. Yeah... that made no sense did it? Anyway... Thanks for the review! [/pointless but grateful response]

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/10/06 Title: Chapter 1: Charocal Eyes

Wouldn't it be funny if the story wasn't actually about Snape? Like, if Valentinia responded to my previous post with something like, "Dude, you thought this story was about Snape? Who are you kidding? Naturally, it's about REGULUS!" or something like that.

Author's Response: :D... nope, I did have Snape in mind when I wrote this!

Friendship Never Dies by HJaneWeasley

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Lily and her friends journey through life's ups and downs during their years at Hogwarts. Though they go their separate ways, they all take one message to heart- friendship never dies.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/17/06 Title: Chapter 1: Teary Beginnings

Ooh! I enjoy this story immensely. I also LOVE your characterization. I love Renny, Caroline, Lilly, Ashleigh, and Sirius-- they're all so funny and realistic. (I think Renny is my favourite.) The part about 'muggle-hunting' was really chilling, although I loved the description of Sirius's pajamas. And the bit about Lucius Malfoy's stick... I almost died right there!

I also enjoyed your description of Sirius as 'that delicious piece of male.' HE'S A BOY! NOT A PIECE OF MEAT! ^_^

Author's Response: I\'m so honored! Schmerg came to read and review my story. Thanks :)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/17/06 Title: Chapter 2: Reaching for the Porridge


I love this chapter. Your version of Lily makes her out to be a real person, not the boring Hermione-ish shell many stories portray her as. I still love Renny, and the fact that she knocked out a house elf with the Aguamenti spell, and I thought the way that Caroline is so interested in History of Magic but not very good at magic is interesting.

I also love your version of the first-year Marauders, back when they were cute and little and... well, I was going to say 'innocent,' but I don't really think you can apply that one to the Marauders.

Author's Response: no, i don\'t think \'innocent\' quite describes the marauders either :). i think that caroline might be all right at magic, but she\'s just so wired and nervous at the moment that she can\'t possibly perform any of it correctly. okay, i\'ll stop defending her. even if she wasn\'t nervous, she probably wouldn\'t be able to do wand magic very well because she and renny are dead clumsy. thanks for your review!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/17/06 Title: Chapter 3: The Studious Septet (Plus One)

This chapter was really well-written. The idea of the "Studious Septet Plus One" was great! The scene at the end with Petunia and Lily was fantastic, and very touching. The way you wrote Petunia, I could see as being exactly how she was as a kid.

I laughed at the exam results in the beginning. I once got a 4% on a math test in sixth grade, when I was absent for a week and had to take a test on the lessons I missed when I came back!

Author's Response: The exam results- ahh, it\'s so common to hear people in the hallways moan \"oh, i did so badly on that test- imagine, i got a 92%!! So i kinda got a kick out of having the girls say \'oh i did so badly\' and have them actually do badly. I had trouble writing Petunia and Lily, so I\'m glad to hear that you approve! Thanks again for you review :)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/17/06 Title: Chapter 4: A Lost Friend

Wow... I had no idea about Caroline's sister. That was so sad... a tear just ran down my face. I just thought she missed her sister back home.

The part about Lily being the "protector of the weak" was also good. I can't wait to read more!

Author's Response: I made you cry- I\'m sorry, but I also think that (or making a reader laugh out loud) is the greatest compliment an author can receive. :) Thanks so much for your review!

Harry Potter, the Half-Blood Prince and Mary-Sue by Valentinia

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What if Ginny hadn't been there after Harry won his Quidditch game? In his euphoria, Harry would have fallen for someone else, of course. And who could that be but the beautiful foreign exchange student, Mary-Sue!

A Mary Sue parody!

Warning: Extreme OOCness follows. All of the warnings this fic has are based on not-to-be-taken-seriously situations!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/05/07 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 8: The Final Battle

WHAAAAT?! The last chapter! This... this can't be! What will my life be like without the cliche-ful goodness that is "Harry Potter, The Half-Blood Prince, and Mary-Sue?"

Woe is me! Now all I'll be able to do in my spare time is weep and pick lint off of Dumbledore's socks!

Anyway, this chapter was hilarious. Dumbledore was brilliant as always, I laughed out loud at the Nevile/Luna part (how do you think up these things, my dear?), and the incredibly un-poetic descriptions were great.

You better write more humour fics soon, or... or I'll cry. Or something. Or throw objects.

I noticed this chapter had a distinct lack of Ron. If he didn't marry anyone else, can I have him? Eh? ;-)

Author's Response: I\'m not sure if I\'ll be writing more humor anytime soon, but with inspiration like this! :D Wouldn\'t want to be hit on the head with anything you throw... hehe... Anyway, thanks for all the reviews you\'ve left for this fic! I\'m squeed at every one! :D As for Ron... Hmm... Are you sure you still want him? :) Thanks for the reviews!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/08/06 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 4: Head Dorms and Harry Problems

Wow, that's creepy! I was just thinking about how this story hadn't been updated in awhile, and POOF! It was! This chapter was funny, especially the part about the dorms and their colour scheme. Oh, yes, and Ron's miraculous strength. The second-to-last paragraph confused me because I thought she was looking for the perfect match for RON, so I had to reread it about seven times.But now I get it! Lovely job!

Author's Response: Sorry about the confusion... that would be pretty weird... But anyway, thanks for the review! I\'m so glad you enjoyed this chapter! But I\'m still sad that The Dark Lord\'s Blog is over... :D

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/06/06 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 3: Masquerade Time!

HAHAHAHAHAH! I love this chapter. It has the dorms! My favourite part of all was when he said: Something big. Something exciting. Something scary. Something hairy. Something crazy. Then I realized that Hagrid was missing. That really cracked me up... and Draco and Hermione's stupidity, of course. I kind of missed Mary-Sue, since she wasn't around as much in this chapter. Ah, well.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Don\'t worry, everyone\'s favorite character will return soon - with new schemes and thoughts and plans for romance! Glad you\'re enjoying this fic!