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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Clich Nation by just_the_contrary

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: A compilation of the most commonly used Harry Potter clichs in the fandom. Features Angsty!Harry, Sweet!Draco, Head Dorms, sudden romances in the forms of Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny and of course, Draco/Hermione, because what's a clich without them?

The Marauders also make an appearance in this fic, including Lily/Lily's best friend/Lily's other best friend.

Warning: mention of hippopotamuses inside.

Chapter Five is up! The story is done. Also, thank you to everyone who nominated this neatly tied bundle of ridiculousness in the QQ awards, I really appreciate it!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/15/06 Title: Chapter 4: I Came, I Saw, I Dissolved Into a Fit of Laughter

This is really funny! Amazing job. I loved the resolution between Harry and Voldemort.

Author's Response: Thank you. You do? Oh good. Harry and Voldie had to make up some time, right? >.>

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/17/06 Title: Chapter 2: The New York Student Exchange

Hahahahahaha! For some reason, I was actually imagining this happening in the fifth Harry Potter movie, and just started laughing out loud.
Can you please put a little Remus into the story, though? He's fun..

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/17/06 Title: Chapter 3: I'll Just Go Throw Myself a Large Pity Party


Oh wow. That's absolutely perfect... though I still think there should have been more Remus... (I like the chocolate reference, though, that was good.) I almost vomited imagining Lucius Malfoy in tight leather pants. What a horrible thought.

Author's Response: You don\'t like the leather pants? Too bad. Thanks for saying it\'s perfect, wow! I quite like that line too. I just find it quite humourous how many times Harry has faced Voldie. So there you go. :) More Remus? Maybe. He isn\'t really part of many cliches though except for the ones I\'ve already written. Thank you!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/29/06 Title: Chapter 5: Bring Me to Life

Awww, it's so beautiful! *Wipes tear from eye* My favourite part was Snape's line "Your blonde hair is practically blinding my eyes. I do not want to be blinded, however, because then I would not be able to look at your beautiful brown eyes." For some reason, I can actually imagine him saying it. And your version of Dumbledore was pretty spiff, too.

Author's Response: You can imagine him saying it? *laughs* That\'s great! I love Dumbledore, good that you liked him. Thank you.


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/17/06 Title: None

This is very good, especially your characterization of Peter. I just want to know, though... why was he sitting in Sirius's lap?

Author's Response: Who knows, who knows? Randomness is the spice of life. Cheers, Mollie

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/17/06 Title: None

Wow. Intelligent Sirius.... that's a new one. I do like your portrayal of Peter a lot. Some stories show him as having no talent at all.

Author's Response: I always felt that Sirius was actually pretty intelligent- maybe lacking in common sense... but smart... Cheers, Mollie

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/24/06 Title: None

Yay, you updated! It's been too long, dahling. This is the most refreshingly original version of Sirius I've ever seen... I've always imagined him as slightly mad and obsessive about things he likes/dislikes, come to think of it...

Author's Response: I bounced the idea off of a friend, and she agreed too, so I guess we aren\'t as odd as we seem. Picutre someone asking, \"How do you think Sirius will do with bohemia?\" and the expression I got... thanks for waiting so long! Cheers, Mollie

Voldemort's Day Off by KitKat517

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Have you ever wondered what Voldemort does when he isn't planning a new way to kill Harry?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/06/08 Title: Chapter 1: Voldemort's Day Off

I really love this poem! I honestly can't say I've ever seriously thought about what Voldemort does in his spare time. (I've made up some ridiculous theories involving yoga, pop tarts, and Power Rangers, but that's not 'serious thought.' That's silly thought.) It almost makes me feel sorry for the poor guy. This is a very original idea, and I like the tone of your writing! My only (mild) complaint is that the stanza about wizards' chess doesn't really seem to flow. But this is a really nice poem, and I'm glad I read it!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I love your ridiculous theories! I completely agree with you about the wizards\' chess stanza, but I can\'t figure out how to fix it. Le sigh. Thanks again!

Am I going crazy? - Ron's Dream Diary by Mira Miracle

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Have you ever wondered how the Dream Diary Ron had to do for Divination his his fifth year was like? Well, here it is: Homework Assignment: Dream Diary by Ronald Bilius Weasley. Dive into Ron's subconcious, explore his dreams and read up his comments on them. Do they maybe show the future? Do they merely show his wishes? Are they just weird? Or is Ron - going crazy?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 2: Maybe I should go to Madam Pomfrey?

This was the funniest story! I laughed so hard that I almost snorted nacho cheese out of my nose! Ron is my favourite character, and you definitely do him justice. I hope I was the one he married... no, just kidding. I liked the description of his singing voice, and the rice pudding dream was great!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 3: I'm saved!

STOP! I LOVE WEREWOLVES! Oh, okay, then.

Woo, this is really creepy. Ron's dreams are freaky.

But I loved Harry's interpretations, they were sheer brilliance.

I leave this on one final note, and that is: Stew. Irish stew.

Beneath The Shell by Sly Severus

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Andromeda takes a young Tonks to the beach. She quickly finds herself exhausted and falls asleep. Tonks decides to explore on her own. She meets someone her mother never expected her to meet.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This is a truly fantastic one-shot. I really admire your writing style and your interest in the Black sisters.

Author's Response: Glad you enjoyed. This is a personal favorite. And, yes, I am a little obsessed with the Black Sisters. Thanks for the review! :D

A Blues for My Father by Tabletop_Joe

Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: Set post-HBP. Hermione hasn't seen her parents since the Quidditch World Cup. Now an enigmatic letter has sent her back to London, alone, without Harry or Ron... Will she be able to come to terms with her past as the Order makes its first moves against the rising darkness? Rated Professors for drinking, fighting, swearing, and other grown-up stuff.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 08/03/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Criss Cross

Wraaagh, I'm hooked!

This story's excellent, even better than I expected. I love the Monty Python references, being somewhat obsessed. And the best part... well the coconut song. I speak German fluently, so I sort of blinked and said to myself, "Wait a minute, that says 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..."

Author's Response: Danke schoen! Keep reading, there\'s more! This is a pretty intense story, so the humor keeps things from going overboard. And that bit with the cash point machine was exactly the sort of thing I imagined happening to poor Arthur. Arthur will redeem himself later.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 08/03/06 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: Thirteen O'Clock

"I thought he was with Hare bloody Krishna, 'til he blew up my car."

AAAARGH, this is so good, and I'm so freaked out by the story... I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and I know this is just going to go through my head the whole time, waiting for the next bit.

Author's Response: Next bit\'s in queue; the plot will thicken, and thicken again, Keep checking back. I\'m having a blast writing this thing, and I\'m glad you\'re enjoying it.

When The Line Has Been Crossed (It's Time For Revenge...) by Hermione_Rocks

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: The Marauders have tormented, bullied, and teased Severus Snape since their first year at Hogwarts together. The night comes one day in their sixth year when they cross the line...but it won't be Severus who takes revenge...

Off-shoot to my fic Living With What's Done, but can be read on its own. Originally written for the June/July Monthly Challenge number 5: Revenge.

Rated 3rd-5th years for language, just to be safe.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/06/06 Title: Chapter 1: When The Line Has Been Crossed (It's Time For Revenge...)

This is my favourite of your stories (and I like everything you've written.) Although I've never been incredibly fond of Snape, your portrayal of him is the most realistic, three-dimensional characterization I've ever seen. I especially like this story's characterization, showing Severus's and Selena's flaws and good traits without stating anything about them outright. Your writing style reminds me of JK Rowling's-- are you sure you're not secretly her?
My favourite part was when Severus returned all scratched up, and when Selena demanded to know where he had been, he replied, "I went out." He's just so... I don't know. He reminds me of one of my friends, and that made me chortle under my breath. I liked your portrayal of James, too-- I liked him a lot.

Author's Response: Wow, I\'m just awed at all your praise. I\'m surprised you liked how James was shown; I\'ve never really written him (or Sirius) and had no earthly idea how to go about it initially.... Thanks so much!

Strip Poker (A G-Rated Tale of the Marauders) by Rhys

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: One night in the Marauders' fifth year...

A bit of fluff and laughs.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 07/17/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Game of Cards

Wow, that was hilarious! I really loved your portrayal of Peter-- he seemed a lot more like a real person than the two-dimensional portrayal he gets from other stories.
I saw that picture on Artdungeon as well, actually.

Author's Response: Thank you very much. Good picture, no? Hope you continue reading.

Meet Mrs. Norris by loligo8me

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Young Argus Filch is overwhelmed with the work that needs to be done at Hogwarts. As the new caretaker, his hatred for those nasty little children reaches a point where he becomes miserable. Maybe a companion could cheer him up...

A one-shot.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: Meet Mrs. Norris

Wow! This is reall well-written, and your characterizations of Filch and Dumbledore were both spot-on. You don't see many stories about Filch... as a matter of fact, I'm writing one right now, but it's a humour fic.

The last sentence is my favourite!

Author's Response: Oh a humour fic with Filch in it. :) Yeah he\'s a good character for humour fics... probably because he\'s a bit insane. heh Thanks!

Black Bloods by Sly Severus

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Sirius has left his family, and now he's staying with James for the summer. He should be having the time of his life, but he's not. He's worrying about his brother, and reconsidering his choice to leave. A chance encounter with someone he hasn't seen in years helps him make up his mind, once and for all.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Kill the giant squid!

This is a really good story, and you can vividly describe a scene without being too wordy. I liked your characterization of Sirius (who is usually my least-favourite character), and the ending was great, very poignant. Trust Tonks's mum to be deep!

Author's Response: Thank you for all the compliments. :D

I can\'t believe Sirius is your least favorite character! He\'s one of my favorites. I cried forever when he died in OOTP.

As for Andromeda, I always thought of her as being the deepest of the Black sisters. She\'s really such a mystery though.

Idiot Ron Starts A War by POTCgirl1337

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: The eight Gryffindor seventh years are all bored out of their minds. But then, Dean gets a wonderful idea to start a wild snowball fight down on the grounds of Hogwarts. All is going well when Ron somehow brings to life an Army of evil snowmen. Their recent fight against each other soon becomes a raging battle to protect their sanity and prevent themselves and their friends from getting kidnapped bythe snowmen.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/15/06 Title: Chapter 1: Dean's Idea

*Has Just died laughing* Oh dear, I'm afraid I've just fallen madly in love with this story.

On a completely random side note, I've just looked at your authors page, and was pleasantly surprised to see that you like the Midnighters books (*Is a rabid Rex fan-girl*) AS WELL as Hitchhiker's Guide (*is obsessed*). You obviously have good taste in books! :)

Author's Response: Like wise! I\'m really going to have to check out Sleeping Freshmen Never Lie, I sounds blody fantastic!

Sisters by Sly Severus

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Bellatrix comes home for the summer, after her first year at Hogwarts. Her sisters are excited to see her, but they have some difficult questions for their big sister. She does her best to guide them, and discovers just how big a role she plays in their lives.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/05/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This is incredibly cute, and well-written. It's a little bit creepy to see them so young and sweet, since we know what they (especially Bellatrix) are like as adults.

Narcissa is so cute!

Author's Response: Hey, glad you enjoyed it.

Actually, the point was kind of to show that they weren\'t always the way they are now. None of the older characters were born as cynical as they are now. People grow to be the way they are because of their experiences.

Also, I think of Narcissa as a very adorable child. I also believe that she was really girly. Probably way more girly than her older sisters. I can\'t imagine that Bella was ever your typical girl.:D

Thanks so much for the review!

Disturbing Conversations by Hallie Black

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Sirius has finally realised he has feelings for a certain girl... but since he can't share these considerations with James, who is he going to turn to for advice?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/11/06 Title: Chapter 1: Disturbing Conversations

This is really cute. I love Remus, and this is a nice portrayal of him. I always have seen him as slightly perverted in a quiet sort of way... kinda like my friends!

Author's Response: I know... MWAHAHA!