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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

Cupid's Liquid Arrows by moonbeamfairy16

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: What happens when Fred and George test a love potion on Harry, Ron, and Hermione? Trouble happens of course!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 6: Fight!!! Fight!!! Fight!!!

Hee! I just love this. When Ron did his little, "Don't you love me?" I went... "AWWWWW." It reminds me of an avvie I have :http://www.mugglenet.com/images/icons/85.jpg

Author's Response: aww i can\'t see it! maybe you can host i on tinypic and stick it ina review?

But I'm not Broken by Avenger_of_Dumbldore

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: One unknown spell, one devoted mother, one terrible accident, and one strange girl. But Im Not Broken. A Luna Lovegood story submitted for the extra credit spring challenge by avenger of dumbldore of Gryffindor.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/28/06 Title: Chapter 1: One shot

Wow, this was really good! But I thought that the boy would be Neville, because his mother's insane...
Oh well, this is cooler!

Author's Response: I guess that the boy could have been Nevil, but at the end of OotP, Harry is about ready to jump out a window, and Luna shows him its ok to be mad, and I thought that was important. Cheers. Avenger

Letters by Sarah Kavanagh

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Lily thought she was in for a boring summer... but James Potter had other ideas. Love Letters, with a rather bizarre twist.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/28/06 Title: Chapter 1: Knitting needles, a fun accessory

This is cute and hilariously funny! Definitely an antidote to your usual cliched fanfictions. James is so pathetic that I simply snicker at him.... a bit stalker-ish, really.

And Lily reminds me of a friend of mine.

I must favourite this!

(By the way, the inclusion of Vermin Dursley was inspired.)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/28/06 Title: Chapter 2: Knees, a fun body part

Aww! This is cute. The letter to Lily's mother was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. James is a total and complete dork.

By the way... pureeing James's privates with mangoes? I don't even want to get into how many people would want to get their hands on such a concoction. (I wonder what potions Snape could make with it..)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/28/06 Title: Chapter 3: Firbeglass, a fun torture device


Oh my gosh, that's the best ending ever! You, like, win the Schmergo Award For Reducing This Reader Speechless. I especially liked the bit about Sirius burning his corneas out, though I don't know why.

Now I Have Everything by Just Tink

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: The big day has finally arrived. After family conflict, a war, and a werewolf attack, Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour are getting married. a one-shot songfic to 'Now I Have Everything' from 'Fiddler on the Roof'.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/31/06 Title: Chapter 1: Now I Have Everything

GASP! Bill/Fleur fics = love. Fiddler on the Roof songfics = love, too. Fiddler on the Roof songfics incorporating Bill and Fleur shipping = TRUE LOVE!

This was very sweet, and I love the way that Bill and Fleur chose to make an unbreakable vow. And, of course, I loved the "I, too, came prepared."

Author's Response: IT\'S A SHMERGO PALOOZA! Sorry. Fiddler rocks, Bill rocks, Fleur rocks, its just general rockiness all around, so I HAD to write a story. I\'m glad it turned out alright! Thanks for the review!

My Best Friend by nuw255

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Dave Jensen thought Harry Potter was just a fun story - that is, until he found out that his best friend was a witch. Join Dave as he learns her true identity and helps her to stop running from her past.

This is a semi-fluffy, and really quite silly (hey, that rhymed!) one-shot.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: My Best Friend

That's so cute! I love the way Ginny burned the "Snape Is Innocent" t-shirt, and especially the fact that J.K. Rowling really is Rita Skeeter.

It was sweet and adorable, and I loved the ending. I think Dave got over his shock really quickly, but seeing as he's an easygoing bloke, I figure that's pretty much in character.

Author's Response: LOL. I was planning this story out in my head when I first ran across the \"Snape Is Innocent\" t-shirts online, and I couldn\'t resist making reference to them. I agree that Dave got over his shock really quickly, but I like to think that a part of him already knew the truth by that point, even though he refused to admit it even to himself. Thanks for the lovely review, Schmergo!


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/05/06 Title: None

This is incredibly good. I just love Anthony now-- I'm not used to reading stories from his point of view, and I think this is just great. He seems just like a real person.

Author's Response: Thanks so much for review of \"Welcome to the Light Side,\" Schmerg_The_Impaler! I\'m very happy with the reception I\'ve received at this site, and the support is greatly appreciated. I\'ve always had a bit of a thing for Anthony Goldstein (this is the part where you can tell me how weird I am, as I think I touched on every single one of his canon references in Chapter 1 alone), and I\'m having a lot of fun working on the story. It\'s going much more easily than any fanfic I\'ve written in the past (obviously, or else this wouldn\'t be the first one to make it to the Internet!). I\'ve got the whole thing mapped out, and I\'m currently estimating around eighteen chapters plus epilogue. I\'m submitting Chapter 2 this evening, so hopefully it\'ll be up online within the next couple of days or so. I don\'t expect updates to be *quite* this fast most of the time, but I can promise that this story won\'t be abandoned. Thanks again for the review. - AG

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 01/26/08 Title: None

I've just reread this story, and I think it's still absolutely brilliant-- in fact, I like it better than I did the first time I read it!

One thing I never really noticed is how Anthony, with his rather cynical attitude, always felt irritated with how much everyone talked about work and stuff like that. His relationship problems with Padma were because she always talks about her job. And then that paragraph contrasting Luna to Ernie and Hannah is perfect. It really does a beautiful job of setting up the Anthony/Luna ship.

I really wish you would update. I want to see what's going to happen with Anthony and Padma's relationship, with Anthony and Terry's friendship, with Zach Smith as a roommate, Luna's career prospects, and with whatever it is the Golden Trio have gotten themselves into.

I think it's incredibly cool how you emphasize Anthony's relationship problems and work problems as the foremost plot and have what most fanfiction writers would make the main plot-- Harry, Ron, and Hermione's secret mission. It was great the way you just had Anthony overhear it.

This is definitely one of the most original and realistic fanfictions I've read, and extremely funny! Anthony's a gift of a character, one of the most realistic and likeable ones I've seen (I love the way he keeps referring to himself as a former Head Boy, and his detached, super-Ravenclaw-ish way of thinking-- it puts a whole different perspective on the story), and Terry's dorkiness. I can tell a lot of effort went into writing this!

Why am I leaving another review? Because I'm doing a project for a Hogwarts Online class on the forums, where I'm supposed to write about an excellent example of a post-Hogwarts fic. This would be mine!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 11/12/06 Title: None

Oh, please update, or I'll cry my eyes out!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/29/06 Title: None

Yay! I was having a horrible day, then I checked my email inbox, and it said, "Welcome to the Light Side by omegaohm88, one of your favorite stories at MuggleNet Fan Fiction has been updated." Thank you for making my day!
Have you considered turning this into a TV sitcom? Think about it.

Author's Response: Haha, you probably could have guessed that you\'re talking to a sitcom fan here. I\'m glad that you\'re enjoying it, though I expect I\'ll take a couple weeks to update again. Busy time of year. :-\\ Thanks for sticking with the story -- I appreciate your reviews a lot.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/29/06 Title: None

I just realized something. A few months ago, I made a yearbook for Hogwarts, and I just found it again yesterday. Anyway, I portrayed Anthony Goldstein as being obsessed with Star Wars and bizarre songs in there, totally different from yours. (I based him on a friend of mine.) Thought you might find that interesting.

Author's Response: Always good to see appreciation for Anthony Goldstein. ;-) I\'ve heard of many different portrayals of his character, too. I\'ve read fanfics in which he\'s a total geek, but also others in which he\'s the good-looking hot-shot of Ravenclaw. It\'s funny that you based your Anthony on a friend and I based Anthony on myself. Maybe he\'s just a universal kind of guy!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: None

Ooooh! Do I detect a bit 'o.... *dramatic pause* shippiness? Excellent job-- I know I've said it before, but I love your portrayal of the magnificent Anthony Goldstein. I knew Anthony was a bit of a free spirit.
Eep, I'm trying to be good and not read ahead on fanfiction dot net, using all of my willpower, but it's hard!
By the way-- Luna is one of my favourite characters, and you did a good job of portraying her, but I think sometimes, her manner of speech is a bit too... down to earth in this story. Just an itsy bitsy bit. But then again, this may have to do with Luna getting older and more mature-- yeah, never mind. I think it's perfect characterization, don't pay any attention to what I just said about her being too down to earth...

Author's Response: I kind of thought she seemed too down-to-earth as well... I\'m having a little trouble characterizing her, which is too bad since she plays an increasingly larger role in the story. I\'m working on it! Don\'t worry about reading ahead at fanfiction.net. I\'m afraid that would be impossible; I post this story at a few other sites but I always update here first. ;) Anyway, thanks for the review -- I\'m working on the next chapter, but I just moved into school so things are progressing kind of slowly.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/23/06 Title: None

I really adore your story, and I liked the idea of making Hagrid head of Gryffindor. I can't wait for an update!

Author's Response: Yeah, I think Hagrid will most likely be Head of Gryffindor in Book Seven... McGonagall summoned him to the meeting with Flitwick, Sprout, and Slughorn at the end of HBP, so my bets are for Hagrid and Slughorn as the new Heads. I\'m working on the fourth chapter as we type. Thanks for the feedback!

Under Pressure by BlackMagic

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: When Hermione goes for a charms conference, leaving Severus with their two young daughters, will he cope? And more importantly, will they all come out unharmed??
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Under Pressure

A snivlin old bat that needs to take his head out of his backside.
This is SOOOO Funny!

Author's Response: I\'m so glad you liked it! I loved coming up with all those funny lines!! Yeah, there is some truth in it, but ah well you\'ve gotta learn to love him. I\'m glad you like it, so many people have complained because of the Hermione/Snape pairing!! Were you put off by it?

Ocean Soul by AstroFire

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: They say no one is born being evil. Is Tom Riddle an exception? A one-shot about the night a boy lost his innocence; the night everything changed for everyone. A story about how a boy turned into man... HBP spoilers. Please review. I'm very, very sorry for the weird problem with the format. It is now fixed, but I'm sorry if you had to read it without any spaces D:
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Ocean Soul

This made me cry...

Author's Response: This means that you were able to feel what I so desperately wanted to express. I\'m glad that you were able to feel it :) I\'m serious. It tells me that I was able to transmit the pain I imagined when writing Tom. Thanks for reviewing!

Three Words by Gemma Hawk

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Third Place in the One-Shot Challenge - Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes!

Daphne Greengrass has the "brilliant" idea to bring Draco and Pansy together. So she adds some potion to each of their drinks... but will it work?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot

This story is cute and funny, and I do like it. The ending was great, too. But unfortunately, I ship myself with Theo Nott, and my portrayal of him is SO different from yours that that distracted me throughout the whole story. That's not your fault, though.

Author's Response: Haha, I\'ve never met a Theo Nott fan before! Thanks so much for the wonderful review!

A Hogwarts Survival Guide by Pussycat123

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: During her fifth year, Lily Evans decides to write a guide to life at Hogwarts, and how to survive it. She covers all aspects of life, and gives helpful advice on how to deal with certain scenarios. For example, would you know what to do if you realised there was a kleptomaniac in your Dorm? What if you lost your beloved teddy bear, Mr Muffles? And do you know how to push, without any force? Read on, and find out the best way of living and surviving at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry ...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Hogwarts Survival Guide

This is incredible! It seems like it could apply to my own school! YAY!

Author's Response: Yay, that\'s what I was going for! It applies very much to mine, obviously, since it was originally ABOUT mine ...


Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/09/06 Title: None

I'd leave a review, but I unfortunately just died laughing.

Auntie isn't Aunt Marge, is she? That would make Harry and Voldy siblings!

Author's Response: No it wouldn\'t. First of all, Harry and Aunt Marge are not blood relatives. Second, the name \'Auntie\' just indicates that the blonde lady likes fawning over people. It doesn\'t mean she\'s Voldemort\'s real aunt. One minute... that\'s an idea...

Clich Nation by just_the_contrary

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: A compilation of the most commonly used Harry Potter clichs in the fandom. Features Angsty!Harry, Sweet!Draco, Head Dorms, sudden romances in the forms of Ron/Hermione, Harry/Ginny and of course, Draco/Hermione, because what's a clich without them?

The Marauders also make an appearance in this fic, including Lily/Lily's best friend/Lily's other best friend.

Warning: mention of hippopotamuses inside.

Chapter Five is up! The story is done. Also, thank you to everyone who nominated this neatly tied bundle of ridiculousness in the QQ awards, I really appreciate it!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 06/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Collection of All-Sorts

I knew from the first sentence that this would be hilarious, and I wasn't disappointed! Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you!