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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler

ROMANTIC COMEDY NO. 4037 by Muse Sublime

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Post-HBP. Hogwarts is in need of a little cheering-up, and Ron and Hermione are in need of a push in the right direction. Ginny offers a new spin on an old tradition to get the ball rolling.


Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, especially those who've reviewed several times. I promise to have Chapter 4 available by June.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/19/06 Title: Chapter 3: The Wronski Feint The Ronski Faint

AHAHAHAHAHAH! This is hilarious! Muse Sublime, meet Brilliance. Oh, you've already met? I loved the 'illicit smuggling of sequins' and Seamus and Dean putting on lipstick. The last sentence is great. How can something be this cute and mushy, believable, and hilarious all at once?

Author's Response: Haha... what a compliment! Thank you. I guess I wouldn\'t mind being friends with Brilliance, if he wouldn\'t mind being friends with me. I only hope he\'ll be around for the next chapter!

Hogwarts: A Musical by QueenHal

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: A SPEWish Covert Cupid for TheVanishingAct. Happy Valentine's Day, Professor Pat!

It's Seventh Year, and the new Headmaster has decreed that students must take some sort of course to fulfill the new Art Requirement. Our favourite characters have decided to take Drama. What kind of hilarity will ensue when the night of the first dress rehearsal arrives? Expect Hagrid as a Tree, Ron as Godric Gryffindor and Malfoy as the Amazing "Dancing" Ferret.

Ron/Luna, Prof. Pat/Hermione, Blaise/Himself

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 02/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: One Shot

Oh dear, hysterical! One thing I find interesting is the fact that "The Simple Joys of Maidenhood" (with which I successfully auditioned for a play) was originally sung in a musical starring RICHARD HARRIS, who is none other than the original ALBUS DUMBLEDORE! And that was a run-on sentence! I've also used "Be Prepared" in a spoof, sung by Voldy-kins, o'course! I've been in sixteen musicals, and up until now, the one I've most wanted to be in was "The Phantom of the Opera." But NOW it's this one! I want to be Helga Hufflepuff! *Loves Ron* *Is a Hufflepuff* *Likes fluffy yellow dresses* *Is hyper* *Uses too many asterisks*

Author's Response: Oh! I didn't even think about the Camelot associations! Nice one ;) You know, I suddenly really want to be in this musical too... We should be in it together! Hee, thanks for reviewing.

Harry Potter: the Musical? by kaammini_the_kreacher

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Pygmy puffs, both sides of Fred's buttocks and music. You would think that there were more important things in Harry's life.

Be amazed as Ron, Hermione and, of course, Harry attempt to write Harry's life story with a musical touch.

Warning: Involves out of tune Neville in later chapters. Disregards Deathly Hallows.

The next few chapters are now in the process of being written as I have a sudden breakthrough for a storyline. Thank you for your patience.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/04/06 Title: Chapter 3: Bittersweet

AHAHAHAHAHA! I love this. I... this is fantastic, and I'm sorry I can't give you a helpful review. It made me laugh so much, I can't even explain my favourite part."Ginny's doing WHAT?!" was brilliant.

Author's Response: Thank you...I do love that bit if I do say so myself :)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/19/06 Title: Chapter 2: Double Act

What a hilarious story! My favourite part was Tonks' little random line... it made me think of peeing chocolate, though, which sounds rather unpleasant.

Hey, can I be in the musical? I'll gladly play a crazed Ron fan! Or... anyone else! I'm a girl, though...

Author's Response: Thank you! I\'ll consider auditioning you for the muscial! Can you sing? Thanks again :)

Author's Response: Thank you! I\'ll consider auditioning you for the muscial! Can you sing? Thanks again :)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/26/06 Title: Chapter 1: Music made them lose control

Yep, I am not too shabby at singing... I can't dance, though! I try very hard, but I always look like a moose...

Author's Response: I\'ll see...lol :)

The Mudblood and the Dark Lord by Just Tink

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Myrtle Sawyer is best known around school as 'Moaning Myrtle.' But when she develops a crush on a handsome prefect her life takes a turn for the worse...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/31/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Mudblood and the Dark Lord

Ooh, this is good. Olive Hornby is an excellent character-- I know SO many girls like her. They seem nice at first, but they're really about as kind and caring as Tom Riddle.

I loved the ending. The dialogue sounds EXACTLY like how Lord Voldemort speaks in the books, and I can just imagine how eerie such words would sound coming from the mouth of some teenage studmuffin... EE!

This story is very well-done, and I've never seen a story like it before. I really enjoy it, and I think I like it almost as much as your Molly/Arthur piece!

Author's Response: ooh, a Shmergo review! *squee* MUST STAY CALM AND BREATHE. lol... thanks so much! Tom Riddle in the movies does such a fantastic job, I get a lot of inspiration from him! (Especially since he is most definetely a studmuffin.) It\'s great getting reviews on older stories... thanks so much!

Harry's Song by WhatsInAName

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: After that battle, our hero must leave. But what thoughts are running through his head?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 08/13/07 Title: Chapter 1: Harry's Song

Sam, I've read all of your poems, and it's extremely difficult for me to review poetry (who knows why? Maybe it's one of my weird blind spots, like my inability to toast pop-tarts without burning them).

In any case, you're an excellent writer. You have a great grasp of rhyme and meter (lots of writers *cough* me *cough* tend to fudge that up), making it sound effortless, and this definitely works as a song. It has a rhythm to it, and it would be fantastic set to music.

You use words beautifully! I just wish, petty as it sounds, that you could write something happy, just for a change of pace! For example, a song for Peeves to sing? Just a thought!

I hope to see more from you soon!

Author's Response: Aw, thanks, Schmergo! Oh, that reminds me, I need to go review your stories. I\'ve lost a lung laughing so hard.

lol, yeah, my stuff does tend toward the \'depressing\' end of the scale. Hate to say it, but I have at least one more angsty poem to post on here. I don\'t start out writing something depressing, it just happens. That Peeves idea, though... I might just use that - and credit you, of course.

Thanks again! ~Sam

Forgetful Mrs. Weasley by Bryant

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Mrs. Weasley wakes up one morning, and mysteriously forgets everything! How did this happen? Why would someone do this to poor Mrs. Weasley? The possibilities are endless... but, maybe there's something dark and sinister in the plot, maybe it's not what you think. Wow, I really made this sound really deep with mystery! It's not really, but it does kind of have a twist in it.

Winner of the Molly Weasley One-Shot Challenge! Written by Bryant of Ravenclaw.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Forgetful Mrs. Weasely

Brilliant! ABSOLUTELY brilliant!

Author's Response: Thanks! Yeah, I\'m really happy with this story, partly because it won the challenge, and partly because I had no idea that it would turn out as good as it did. Thanks for your reviews!

Six Flowers for a Wedding by Purplemage

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: When you marry someone, you marry their family too. This is something that Fleur Delacour and Bill Weasley didn't consider. The two families couldn't be more different, especially the women. The day before the wedding, Fred and George came up with a plan to make the women stop arguing amongst each other. That was, of course, if they didnt kill each other first.

Runner up for Challenge #1 of the Spring Challenge
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/28/06 Title: Chapter 1: Six Women

Ha! I can't wait to read the rest-- this is VERY typical of Fred and George.

Wouldn't Gabrielle be closer to eleven or twelve, though? Oh well.

I like the characterization of Louise-- she already feels canon.

My favourite part was, "Isn't she already wearing enough?"

Author's Response: Yes actually Gabrielle would be 11, but I couldn\'t have an 11 year old doing all the things that Gabrielle is doing. Just a little something I twicked. Wow, Louise feels like canon? That\'s one of the best compliments I\'ve got as a writer. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/28/06 Title: Chapter 2: Six Problems

Oooooh! Suspenseful much! This would make a TIGGERIFFIC soap opera! I really liked Ginny's comments to Gabrielle-- and that Louisa, what a creep! She's just like a real person, though, it's great. You're a splendid writer.

Author's Response: More compliments *squeee* Seriously you\'re too kind! Haha, maybe I\'ll write a soap opera one day :p just kidding. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/28/06 Title: Chapter 3: Six Tears

I never imagined Ginny to be a girly-girl, but not exactly a tomboy either... oh well, your characterization is great.

Wow. And I thought the Delacours had a perfect life! Far from it! I'm really warming up to Gabrielle now, though, I don't hate her anymore. Like Louisa, she's a real person.

Author's Response: Yeah well, all families have their issues, the Delacours are no exeption! Actually JK naver said that Ginny was a tomboy, but she\'s not described as a girly girl, since she grew up surounded by boys it seemed logical to me that she was a tomboy. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/28/06 Title: Chapter 4: One Wedding

GORGEOUS ENDING TO A GORGEOUS STORY! Too bad we didn't get to see the wedding itself, or the men... is a sequel in the works?

Author's Response: We did get a small glimpse of the men and anyways women are way more interesting, don\'t you think? Unfortunatly, I really don\'t see a sequel coming. I\'m not mush of a sequel person. Thanks for your lovely reviews!

T'was but a Puddle by Mind_Over_Matter

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
It was but a puddle, a muddy mud puddle,
But its now changed indeed.
To find out more, do look at my tale,
And please review after you read!

Twelve hundred square metres of thanks go to HermyRox12, who nominated this little ditty for Best Poem in the QsQ's. I'm all a'flutter!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 09/09/06 Title: Chapter 1: The One and Only Chapter... 'The Muddy Mud Puddle'

That's really cute... you have some very original ideas. I have no idea where you would get the inspiration to write a poem about the origins of the Black Lake, of all things...

Author's Response: HA, lol. I know exactly what you mean, and am now wondering myself. I wanted to enter the challenge though, and try out my poetry-legs... and prove that it didn\'t have to be all that serious. I tend to do that a lot.

Dear Mrs. Potter... by DaisyMaeEvans

Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Past Featured Story
Summary: Professor Granger deals with a pair of students who have inherited a knack for trouble...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: One Shot

This. Is. Adorable. I laughed my eyes out (literally... it rather hurts) at the part about "Tell Harry that was five words." This is such an original idea for a story! What's Fred's middle name, by the way? It starts with an 'N,' correct?

Author's Response: Oops-sorry about your eyes! :) I\'m glad you liked it though-as Harry said, we all need a good laugh. I have to confess I made up Fred\'s initial-I looked on the Harry Potter lexicon and JK never gave him one. (All of the others are according to her, though.) Okay since I\'m making it up his middle name is Norman. Why not? :) Thanks much- Daisy

A Battle Of Laughter by onmyway

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Fred and George have an unexpected customer who has seriously underestimated their dueling skills...
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/18/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Oh my gosh, this is hysterical! Definitely going on my favourites list. I can't stop laughing! My only qualm is that you described Fred and George as their film versions as opposed to the canon version (ie. tall and skinny, whereas they're supposed to be shorter and stocky.) Wait, sorry, gotta go. The guy who chased me all the way down Diagon Alley because my sign had the word 'poo' in it has just said to me,
"Now I shall kill you."

Author's Response: thanx for the pointer about what they really look like, that slipped my mind. but I do prefer to make them skinny and tall so there\'s more to make fun of.

Cupid's Liquid Arrows by moonbeamfairy16

Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: What happens when Fred and George test a love potion on Harry, Ron, and Hermione? Trouble happens of course!
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 1: Butterbeer

HA! Terrific premise for a story! Er... just making sure... the boys don't like each other, do they? I don't think I'd enjoy that.

Author's Response: no they don\'t. lol. but thanks for reading!!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 2: In the Garden

Oooh... interesting...

Do you ship H/Hr or R/Hr?

Author's Response: I ship both... lol. I ship anything reasonable. well, anything appropriate and not gross. (student/teacher. sry to those that shp that!)

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 3: At The Lake

Ha-HAAA! This is so, so cute. Hermione's lucky; I can't even get one boy to like me!
My favourite part of the story was:What does that have to do with breathing? Theyre two completely different bodily organs,

Author's Response: lol, i totally agree!! (my bf broke up with me today between FINALS and in the middle of a crowded HALLWAY) anyways ... i\'ve always wondered why boys can\'t breathe when they\'re hit *there*. lol. do you know?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 4: Sickness

"But Ron is playing Healer."
"Oh Merlin."

This is exceedingly cute. I really like this story, even if it is a bit fluffy.

Author's Response: Yeah, it\'s fluffy. lol. but who doesn\'t love a little fluff here and there? lol. Seriously, who would trust Ron as a Healer? lol not me!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 05/27/06 Title: Chapter 5: Two Truths and a Cure

I just read your profile. Your favourite word is 'masticate?!' No. Way. That's my seventeenth favourite. (I have a list of my top fifty favourite words in my notebook.) I was just telling my sister that 'masticate' meant 'chew' yesterday!

Author's Response: It is so my favorite word. lol it just sounds *dirty* when it really has an innocent meaning. lol.