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Schmerg_The_Impaler [Contact]

Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.

Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.

My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.

The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.

My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!

As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.

You're welcome.


Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!

No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone

When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!

For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�

No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone

No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!

Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�

My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�

Well, except for Wolfgang!

No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone

No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.

For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�

Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.

No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone

No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!

Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!

Probably scared of Tyrone!

When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!

No one flirts like Tyrone!

Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!

Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!


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Stories by Schmerg_The_Impaler [31]
Favorite Authors [13]
Favorite Stories [32]
Schmerg_The_Impaler's Favorites [45]
Reviews by Schmerg_The_Impaler



Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/19/06 Title: None

The story totally won't open! And it sounds so interesting! WAAAGH!

Magorian by The Savant

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: Lowbrow. High-concept. Medium rare. Magorian's back, and he's here to stay! A/N: All right, who stole all my exclamation points!?
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chicken Feast

Wow, this is so randomly funny! I love it! Where on earth do you get your inspiration? (Crack, perhaps?)
You have a unique way of phrasing things, and I can expect (I read the chapter titles) that this story will be spifftastical.

Author's Response: I thank you, and read your stories in turn.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 2: The WHEELMASTER

Wow, the beginning of this chapter, his flashbacks, and the author's notes were among the funniest bits of writing I've ever read. The part about the mushrooms and the Tarantella made me snort. Loudly. Like a centaur.

Author's Response: Mushrooms make me snort too. Though in an altogether different way.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 3: The Man on the Mountain

OH MY GOSH! I absolutely died laughing. I ADORE MOTM! (I don't even want to know where you got the name) and of course, the leotard bit was truly inspired. The part about the drugs cracked me up... hahaha, get the not-really-all-that-subtle play on the word 'crack?' Yeeaaahh...

Author's Response: Man Of The Mountain. MOTM.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 4: Female Trekkin'

Wow! The author's note is longer than the chapter! Flitwick is my absolute favourite now...

Author's Response: Flitwick was funny. I shall bring him back in the next chapter.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 5: Oigroig's Scheme

Wow. I lied when I said Flitwick was my absolute favourite. Oigroig is my favourite. And Batman. And Magorian. And...

You know what, I'll just say that this FIC is my favourite and stick with that. I'm now favouriting it.

Author's Response: Aw. Well, if it counts for anything, you\'re my favorite reviewer... mostly because you\'re, like, my only reviewer. Anyway, I promise to update soon. School and stuff.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 6: Finstralia

This is just getting better and better! The part about RHED and the new colour was hysterical.

Dude, I just went to Finland. It's really nice. The whole city of Helsinki is like one big Ikea. (And of course, there's the Finland song in Monty Python's Spamalot.)

Author's Response: One big IKEA? I\'m packing bags as we type.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 7: Video Killed the Fanfiction Star

YUSS! Monty Python references! (I'm a massive fan...) This chapter was my favourite so far. Absolutely everything was funny... the bridge of death, the video game, Dumbledore's hilarity, the description of people (Ralph Nader... Mickey Mouse...), the life expectantcy of a capybrara, the last sentence... you're brilliant at this. I only found out about this story from Zoheb, and I'm so glad I did.

Author's Response: The capybara (also capibara) (Hydrochoerus hydrochaeris) is a semi-aquatic herbivorous animal, the largest of living rodents. It is endemic to most of the tropical and temperate parts of South America east of the Andes, and has been introduced to north-central Florida and possibly other subtropical regions in the United States. It is the only living member of the family Hydrochoeridae.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 8: Can't Wait For Chapter 9

"Im sorry about this, Harry. But not really." Okay, that's very funny. Oigroig reminds me strongly of Professor Pippy P. Poopypants from Captain Underpants (*cough* Er, I mean, not like I regularly use Professor Poopypants's Name Change-o Chart 2000 every day or anything...)

The whole thing about the students attacking people with normal names was very funny, although I think Draco Malfoy is a beautiful name, actually. It rolls off the tongue. Pity Draco himself is such a pansy...

Author's Response: Malfoy, maybe. \"Draco,\" no.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 9: Game, Set and Match

OH MY GOSH! That was brilliant! I love this story so much! The Gameshark idea is one of the best I've ever stumbled across, and the whole thing about all of the things that JK Rowling said weren't true (ie. Crookshanks being the Unknown Soldier) just slayed me with laughter. The first paragraph was also great. I'm surprised that this story isn't more popular-- it's one of the best humour fics I've seen.

Author's Response: I know, right? This story should so be more poular! I\'m awesome!

Author's Response: popular*

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 10: O She of Shadows

'In' backward is 'ni?!' Why, that's preposterous! I can't believe he went to the Centaur Liason office! Why, that's also preposterous!

My favourite sentence was: "The train was extremely cool." I'm not quite positive why. The Gothmage idea is almost a spoof of some of the crazier darker characters I've seen flitting ever-so-seriously around this website.

Author's Response: Yes, \"in\" backwards is indeed \"ni.\" I took it up with several English professors, but they just gave me blank looks and bellowed at me to get out of their classroom. They just aren\'t ready for the truth, I suppose.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 12/04/06 Title: Chapter 11: Of Lice and Fen

"A gander at his face somehow always reminded casual onlookers of a fledgling stunted parasauralophus." Brilliant sentence. "Why, you look like a fledling stunted parasauralophus, Sir!"

This chapter seemed a bit more... distracted than the others, maybe because there are so many characters. I loved the beginning and the naming process, though.

Author's Response: It took me forever to figure out how to spell \"parasauralophus.\"

A Very Harry Christmas by Jase

Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: A Christmas play about Harry getting a book of Christmas stories and he and Ron read them. (Lots of Parodies)
The first story: "The Flightmare Before Christmas". Ron gets the bright idea to try Christmas this year, and does this with the help of a magical horse that can fly.
Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Flightmare Before Christmas

This is hilarious! As a Ron fan, I'm very glad that you made Harry the stupidest one for once.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 2: A Christmas Scarol

This chapter is hilarious! I've never been much of a Draco fan, but I love your portrayal! I was Scrooge in that play once (Yes, I am a girl), and so I know the story well. My favourite line was, "Are you the ghost of bad fashion?"

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 3: How The Snape Stole Christmas

That's cute! I can just imagine Snape's heart growing, and his eyelashes fluttering, just like the Grinch in the film.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 4: Grawpy the Snowman

Harry's hilarious! My favourite part is: HARRY: *Bursts into the common room* Hermionehermionehermionehermionehermionehermioneeee! *Crying* HERMIONE: Its okay, its okayjust tell me whats wrong. HARRY: Well, Hagrid, Ron and I? *Sniffle* We werewe were making a snowman? And it sort ofsort of*Hiccup*came to life. HERMIONE: I see. Of course, he's the hero, he gets anything!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 5: Buster the Blue-Beaked Hippogriff

This story just keeps getting better and better. I loved the dating show, with Harry in his orange suit and Hermione in her dress. The best part, however, was: "Buster wandered through the snow, alone and hurt. He felt bereaved, bitter, cheerless, dejected, depressed, despairing, despondent, disconsolate, dismal, distressed, doleful, downcast, forlorn, gloomy, glum, grief-stricken, heartbroken, low-spirited, lugubrious, melancholy, morose, mournful, pensive, pessimistic, somber, sorrowful, troubled, upset, wistful, and even woebegone. He came upon a strange hut, and even though hippogriffs usually stay away from humans, he smelled food in this house. He was a hungry hungry hippogriff." Did you need a thesaurus for that?

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 6: Deck the Halls

This is amazingly funny. For some reason, I laughed at "Glon't glention glit," brain-damaged Hagrid... I found that terribly humorous. I also enjoyed Ron's innocence when it comes to certain, er, feminine things. That's actually pretty in-character.

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 7: The Twelve Days of Christmas

That's very funny, though Luna was just a bit OOC. I don't have any problems with non-canon ships; however, I don't think Luna would respond to these bizarre gifts like a normal person! Why do I always laugh at random bits? Such as, "I DO NOT LIKE FIRE CRABS!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Anyway, this story definitely brightened my day! You seemed like you were rather hyper when you wrote it, which I can definitely relate to!

Reviewer: Schmerg_The_Impaler Signed
Date: 04/08/06 Title: Chapter 8: Hagrid Got Run Over By A Reindeer

That was wonderful! Wherever do you get these strokes of brilliance? My brother and I cracked up for about five minutes at Snape... and my Random Giggle Moment of the Chapter was, "There's a flobberworm eating your hand..." I found that hilarious. Another great part was Dumbledore's horoscope, and, of course, Santa's note!